Chef! (1993) s01e03 Episode Script
Subject to Contract
I'm the best, so do not test, the top of my profession.
The master of my chosen field, of that there is no question.
Serious.
Serious, profession.
Serious.
Serious, profession.
Oh, what time is it? A wee wee small hours in the morning.
It's about three o'clock I'm sorry darling, I didn't mean to wake you.
I was awake anyway.
You can't sleep, because your so worried about us going into business That's right, yes.
Thought so.
Night, night.
Thats okay, I feel fine now you have comforted me.
Well, I would comfort you, Janice, But? But I've got a heavy day tomorrow, Yes? So I gotta get in a good night pretending to be fast asleep.
Why can't you really go to sleep? Cause I'm so worried about us going into business Funny how something can seem such a breeze in the middle of a sunny day and at three o'clock in the morning It feels like you have eaten a lorryload of all bran.
You see, we own more than half of this place Yes.
With our savings.
.
We're quiet nicely placed.
To buy Le Chateau takes every last penny.
And we'd take on a colossal mortgage.
Yes.
And if it fails.
.
We won't have a pot to piss in.
Exactly.
Should I make some drinking chocolate? Good Idea.
Okay.
No, I'll come with you.
No no, I'll bring it to you.
No, no! I don't wanne be late without you all that time.
Ooohh.
.
hm That's nice.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Do you remember, the night we met? Well, of course I do.
You had an artichoke souflée and a tomato cooly You remember the food.
In that pratio we had skate wings and black butter He was a prat.
He had to be.
Ordering fish on a monday.
Everybody knows the fishmarket 'd be closed, he should have known it 'd be frozen.
hahahaha.
.
What was I wearing? Pardon? What.
.
You heard me.
I was just playing for time.
I'm quite good at playing for time.
Oh, that reminds me, it's your mother's birthday next month I know.
You asked me to remind you.
Hm hm Why, don't you want to have a party at Le Chateau? Oh yeah.
Who shall we invite? Well People will have to travel you'll have to make plans.
And people will have to stay over.
We must get a duvet for that black bedroom Yes, what about a nice bleu one.
No, not bleu not in that room.
Oh.
I saw a nice one in North Leeds the other day.
A sort of William Morressay but not so nur Why are we talking about duvets? How do you else got it playing for time? Why would I talk to this journalist tomorrow? Because any publicity will help the business.
Oh, I see.
It wasn't easy getting that interview.
They weren't very interested in the restaurant.
Ooh, sounds promising.
Now don't be difficult with thou.
I won't I want you to You've done it again.
Okay, we've done, birthdays, duvets and journalists now let us return to you remembering the food but not, what I is was wearing.
Well You see up to now I'd always thought you spend the entire evening trying to look down the front of my dress.
Janice! It was quite a nice memory, really.
Now, it turns out you were just staring at my plate.
I was looking down your front.
Honest, I was looking down your front Don't bullshit me.
Well you'd left a bit, Janice.
You know how I hate that.
Quite a big bit, actually.
And it was my own special recepy with capers.
Why didn't you finish it.
I really can't remember.
Well there was obviously something wrong with it.
Gareth, we are talking about eight years ago.
Still it was a nice souflée.
Khhh Eight years, my word how they flown.
Well, they'd be here for six then.
Gosh, six years.
Yeah and we were terrified about buying this place.
Hmm.
We were yes.
My turn now okay isn't it? Hwwhh.
God we've been through some rough times together.
Hmm.
.
Getting the mortgage for this place.
Hm hm.
.
The crash of eighty seven.
Hmm, hmm.
Our honeymoon This could all be academic anyway.
I mean, whe got to sell this place so we can't t do it.
We'll sell it.
Oh, no-one has made an offer yet.
Give it a chance, Janice lots of people have looked at it and they all seem to like it a lot.
Well, who for instance? Well, that couple who expected any moment, they liked it a lot.
And they have to make up their minds very soon.
Oh, it wasn't that immanent, was it.
Janice, I was boiling water and looking out fresh towels, all the time they were here.
It was a very suspensfull experience.
And there was that women who talked, like she had a rather nasty smell under her nose.
Mrs.
Fortiss Perkins.
She thought it was simply charming.
And there was that guy who made all this money out of property.
Got there just in time, you know.
He liked it and he's an almost definite.
Oh, why didn't he make an offer then? He said he is all according to the capital games in brangomens.
so he had to see his accountant.
Hmm.
.
So, out of three people one of them is bound to go for it.
Hmm.
Well, we see.
Now who we seeing tomorrow, that bank champion.
And the guy from the receivers.
Ohm We got to crack on like we are dead confident.
Oh yes.
Well, your good at all that.
I know.
But only right now I'm faltering just a bit I expect it is because I'm only a women.
Yeah, that will be a problem.
Could you say something romantic and sentimental, just now please? Could you give me a for instance? Like, you love me? I love you, Janice.
And, you're glad you married me? I am! And you've no regrets.
What? Well, just the one.
What?? I really wish I hadn't booked capers and that artichoke souflée, you know.
Hmm.
.
How much brandy did you put in that hot chocolate? Just enough.
Hmm.
.
Huhuhu You see, if the bank gives you the mortgage, and the bridging loan, it will be secured on your house.
and ultimatly, this place.
Every penny.
Yes So if you fouled, the bank would be allright.
Phff.
.
Phfew,.
.
What a relief! I was véry worried about that.
But your savings and your home, everything will be in the venture.
You won't have anything.
No I mean you will be destitute.
Destitute.
The bank will ful close.
Take the restaurant.
Hmm.
.
Once you sold your house, you won't have anywhere to live That's what I'm driving.
Well we were always gonna move in upstairs here, they have a small star flat, but Yes, you're right, of course if we faul then eh, yes hm.
.
we will be, as you say Destitute.
Destitute, it's your word of the week isn't it? You see, if we do the deal, all the creditors will be covered.
They'll get their money.
But nearly all that.
The bank will be well secured.
Well, that's what banks do, isn't it? Cover themselves always up, charge huge interest rates and than, crack on doing everybody a big favour? In a nuttshell.
Well.
Nonononono.
I didn't mean to be rude, but Of course you cover yourselfves, but one element in this equation has to be brutaled.
Yes.
And that's you.
The receiver here takes care of the people who were owed money but, one of them has to take the risk.
Yes.
And that's us.
It is.
The bank will be okay.
Yes.
The crediters will be okay.
Indeed.
And we won't have a pot to Precise.
I think we understood.
Yes.
Good, well, as soon as I hear from the venue, I'll be in touch.
Right, we'll meet again on thursday.
Thank you.
Do you have that reposession I presume just a minute.
They're wonderfully reassuring, aren't they? Aren't aint just.
I still don't know their names.
Berk and Hair.
Goodmorning, ladies and gentlemen.
Good morning chef! Very shortely, these premises are to be visited be persons from the press.
Who will take photographs.
Which will be widely exhibited to a startled populous.
Who, seen the lamentable and squalled conditions under which food is prepared here, will make a mental note, never to set foot in this establishment.
Trade will decline sharply, the restaurant will close and all within will be thrown on to the streat to enjoy a life of suffering and painering.
Is that what you want? No chef!! Well then clean this frigging kitchen!!! Yes chef! I have never seen anything like it in my whole life.
Otto, dearheart.
Yes chef? I know I'm a little lightheaded.
It is probably the effect of inhaling all the fumes from the kilotonnes of putrified waste under my feet.
Therefore I may be a little confused.
But isn't it true that if we clear away the crap to a depth of about two feet, we'll find a cooker underneath? Chef? People ask me, you know why the receivers came in.
I say, very simple, we poisened the clientele.
Oxford account a council rubbish dump, nuclear waste disposiality.
How could I help you? Oh never mind it's just me having a little joke, it stops me giving into histerical sobbing.
Take the notice Nobody else around here does! So how are we doing, have we got any office yet? Oh got out just in time, jolly good.
Why, what's he offered? But that's rediculous, the shed's worth more than that! Well that's an insult.
We are talking about Linden Cottage, you know with the roof and windows and everything? Has everybody else offered anything? Oh, mrs rather nasty smell, mrs Fortiss Perkins, jolly good.
Nice lady, I liked her.
Snotty cow, what is the matter with it! What, is that all? I see Well, what about mr.
and mrs.
expecting it any minute? They want four bedrooms.
Four bedrooms? Yes, they had twins.
Unexpectedly Is that a joke? They don't seem to think so.
So, we haven't got a buyer at all.
Well no it seems not, I mean they have made lots of offers but no-one 's come near the asking price.
Well we can't buy this place if we don't get our asking price.
Well, don't worry, there'll be lots of other people to look at it.
We'll be okay.
It'll be okay.
.
Ohh.
.
got to go and talk to this journo now.
Gareth.
I will be a model of cooperation.
Mmhh.
.
Haahhh.
okidoki.
I'm Ginny, ehm.
.
just a little picky.
.
Now, could you just be chopping? And looking up at my and smiling? No.
No I'mean with just a few of your collegues in shot and, you with that big knife, looking up chopping a leek and smiling.
No.
I'm sorry? You see, when I'm chopping I look at what I'm doing.
It's how I've managed to reach the age of thirty four, with a full complement of fingers.
Hahaha Well funny.
.
Only it's just for the photo, you see.
I think the picture would be better if we just did our thing and you captured it, you know, without just looking.
See it's just, we usually have a nice smily pose picture for this feature, you know? Whoo! That's one of the best photos we've ever had, that'll be really excellent! Please don't use that picture! Please don't use that picture, I was being wordlessly sarcastic.
Marcel Marceau would have been proud of me, you know.
You know, this is a real kitchen we do not do smiling in this kitchen.
Honestly, that was really super.
Now, shall we grab a table and have a little chat? Hahaha.
So, what sort of food do you do? Well, that's the whole point, it's unamshamedly french I'll make no bones about that.
French cooking.
Yes, you see.
.
I love the summer.
Yes Your biro always write so well.
Are you married? What? Are you married? Yes, I am married.
.
but about the french cuisine.
.
How old are you? Thirty four.
Thirtee.
.
ffour.
.
He oh yeah, hahaha Yes you said, fingers, yeah.
.
Six foot two, weight fifteen stone, take a size seventeen collar.
Yeah, we don't need all that, it's eh, just, how old you are and if you're married.
Oh yes, and what star sign are you? Libra.
Libra Scorpio rising.
Done.
Nothing else you wanted to ask me? No, I don't think so.
Ooh.
.
yes, hahaha.
.
How stupid How did you meet your wife? How did I meet my wife Yes? I met her in a restaurant.
A res.
.
taurant.
.
A restaurant where they have cuisine like they have in this restaurant.
You see, what we do is, we take the central tennants of french cuisine but with a radical eclectic approach, for instance if you look at See we don't really, do that sort of thing.
central tennants and all that, it's eh.
.
it's more a smily picture and how you met your wife.
I see.
Or something funny that happened in the kitchen.
Sort of thing, you know.
.
It's that sort of newspaper.
Has something funny happened in your kitchen? No.
Ehm What? This is veal, isn't it? L'empecte de veau, yes.
Yes you see, I'm a bit worried about something.
What? Well, about this cut on my finger.
Well it's not bad is it? Put a plaster on it.
Oh, I had a plaster on it.
Elasta-plaster.
You know.
Hmm And I sort of lost track of it.
Lost track of it?? I mean, it was on my finger this morning, and now he's gone.
It was this sort of color.
And I did service a few times.
Have we been serving many of these? Oh, no.
.
You see.
.
If chef finds out I think he might be a bit upset.
Are you sure, it's in here? Well, no because I've done lot's of other things.
Like what? Like.
.
filling those little pies.
I helped do the ravioli to.
It's a bit worrying really.
Everton Do you know how long I've been sous-chef? No.
Do you know what it means to be sous-chef? You're number two, right? I'm number two in the best kitchen in England.
I've only been it, for a couple of weeks, and the first time that chef leaves me in charge for five minutes, we start serving fricassée of used elasta-plast!! I hate you Everton, I want you to die.
Now you're gonna find that plaster and find it fast.
Sive this stew and check every bit of it.
But.
.
Do it!! And not a word, to anyone.
Lucinda! Chef! Eighty for lunch.
Everything under control? Yes Chef.
Good.
Put a dressing on that.
Yes chef.
Good god, cooks cooking wiht open wounds, whatever next.
Why we don't just put a dollop of Botulinus toxin on everyones plate, and have done.
Not that what are you civilly in plasters here.
This box, down here.
Here, here, here! The blue ones.
God, you use an ordinary one and use it, it could end up anywhere, couldn't it? Yes chef! You'd never find it, can you imagine what a nightmere that 'd be? I can, yes.
That's why we use blue ones, you see, there is no blue food.
As yet.
It's spotted floating around in the boeff bourguignon.
Okay, everyone update.
It seems, no-one wants to buy our house.
And if we can't sell it than we can't persevere with our offer on this place.
I'm sorry I can't offer more hope at this moment in time.
Who made these? I did, chef.
What the hell is this?? Chef, you see Green pepper corns in a ravioli? Since when do we put green peppercorns in? Well, wewewewe the pies it.
.
Good, ehm.
.
we did decide on the green peppercorns last week actually.
It was my idea, but you said that.
.
That's right I did.
I'll try this later.
Hello there, find you all inhere.
It's all happening then? Yes.
All looks very professional.
Gosh you are brave, whenever I do it in a party I'm in an absolute panic.
I suppose you microwave a lot of stuff, do you? Strange to relate, no.
Oh come on, you buy things in bags and boil them up don't you? My friend was telling me.
No, actually we don't.
You see, this is what we call the kitchen.
We are chefs, we prepare the food from scratch.
You see, we take the basic ingredients.
.
It's allright!! I'm not going to print anything about the cooking.
Your secrets are safe with me.
Give me strength.
cheff.
.
You are whispering, Everton You are trying to engage my attention and yet you whisper.
This does not engender confidence it suggests unwelcome news will follow.
You know you told me to put a plaster on my finger? I do Well I did put one on.
You'll marry me.
.
I have an horrific premonition of what you are about to say.
And I sort of lost track of it, sort of thing.
Did you find it? No.
Do you have any idea of where it is? Not really.
What did you work on today? The blankets, but I checked them thoroughly.
And the pies.
And the ravioli.
Well the ravioli is easy, you just cut it open check and then rewrap in fresh pasta.
Yes, chef.
The pies you cut open, they're write-off Couldn't we just twist 'm.
.
Everton! This is a restaurant, that produces the finest food that can be prepared by men.
If you can imagine anything more apaling to discover on your plate then a used elasta-plast, then, I don't want to know what it is.
Do what I say, then when you've done it, take your sharpest knife, point it at your chest, and hurl yourself violently forward Yes, chef.
All the pies ruined? Yes, chef.
All the pastry rewrapped? Yes, chef.
Did you find it? Yes, chef.
Good.
It was under the soap in the toilet.
What an entirely charming interlude.
You're prat, Stonehen.
A prime pinheaded, pee brain pillock.
Yes, chef.
This restaurant tethers on a financel break and you cost us a packet.
Yes, chef.
Nonetheless I mindfull of the fact that you didn't just pretend, that nothing had happened.
So just this once, you won't have to kill yourself.
Thank you, chef.
Nore you will have to kill yourself next time, because I will do it for you.
Kitchen, chef.
Oh, hello feature editor of the Cottswald Reporter, I'm glad you called back.
Well, I don't want to seem overly conceited, I just think there are more interesting things about me than how I met my wife and how old I am.
Well I must have made a pin in the bath being sharply divided, some say I'm the greatest chef in the country.
Others say I'm the greatest chef in the world.
Either way I would think a question about my cooking would take presedence over my star sign! Oh, you want to talk about my cooking? Well, we have mondays of come to the house.
Yes, we'll talk then.
Eight thirty.
Good.
It's called "at home" that's why I couldn't come to the restaurant.
But we do do a slightly more in depth sort of interview than Ginny would.
Hey, I wasn't ready for that.
O, I thought you favoured the "snatched reality" approach.
Well I do I do, but next time, I'd like a warning, so that the reality of my best side is snatched, you know.
.
In a decent light.
Nice light in the sitting room.
I don't do any cooking inhere.
Oh, you know quanting your pease around the fire, kind of thing.
You now ball between your legs flickering firelight.
Nice shot on that chimney.
Yes, we do that.
Do we? Eh how about the bathroom? We do a remarkably small amount of cooking in the bathroom.
Hehe, it's how your profession, impacts on your habitat.
Do we see? Well, you did so call those pickle jars in the bath that time Gareth, didn't you? Well You still got those jars, have you governer? Well, yes.
And the bedroom.
The bedroom.
We do ripen our avocados in the airing cupboard that's just outside it No it isn't.
It's quite near it.
Janice, the airing cupboard is downstairs.
The thing is, uche, we have got Ginny's article, and if we are gonna dump it in favour of this, we gotta get what we want.
Well Not to mention finding a replacement for that, picture she took in your restaurant kitchen.
Smashing picky that I loved it.
Let me give you a guided tour of the entire house.
Certainly, with you.
While we're about it, why don't we look into the downstairs lavatory.
It is ofcourse where most of my cooking ends up.
Yes, wild Still not a word, about my kitchen philosophy.
Well it's a huge article.
Yeah, but it is all about the house.
I look as a prat in this bedroom picture.
Mmhh.
.
yes.
.
One, two, three, four, five pictures, the bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom, Could you just hold on for a second please.
It's mrs.
rather nasty smell.
She wants to pay the asking price.
She wants to pay the a.
Thu, how do you kn Hello mrs.
rathe.
.
I mean mrs.
Fortiss Perkins.
That's absolutely splendid.
Yes, well could you just Hello, mrs.
Perkins.
How nice to hear from you.
Unfortunately we have accepted a slightly higher offer.
Well there has been this article in the localrag, you see, a bit emberassing actually, but it has created a great deal of interest.
Oh, you saw it.
Yes.
Well, we have been offered 5000 above the asking price, as a matter of fact.
Yes, the phone hasn't stopped ringing.
Well, do give it some thought and call us back.
So nice to hear from you, bye.
What phone hasn't stopped ringing? This one.
Yeah hello? Oh hi.
Hehe, did you? Yes.
Well, we have actually been offered 10.
000 pounds above the asking price.
What did he say about the embranglements? Whoo, nothing not you, just, something here.
He, yes.
This is so nice.
It's our anniversary.
No, it isn't.
Yes it is.
It is eight years to the day, since you left something I cooked for you on your plate uneaten It isn't.
It is.
Eight years, since we met? And you're taking me out to celebrate.
Oh Gareth, you're so romantic.
I know.
I would have taken the night of just for me.
We are sitting in our own restaurant.
Just think of it.
Oh, Gareth.
Arthichoke souflée, madame.
Threksee Fleshire.
No capers.
Hmm.
.
Who should once have been different.
Why? Just fancied looking down your front for a bit.
It doesn't stop.
Wonderfull.
Oohh.
.
What? What is this? Artichoke souflée.
But this, it's amazing, a special ingredient.
Oh Gareth, I love you.
Yes yes what, what ingredient? It is something very special.
Janice, what are you talking about? I have never seen blue food before.
Did you eh, want a word with Everton at all? Everton no, why should I? Because he only has a few minutes to live, that's all.
The master of my chosen field, of that there is no question.
Serious.
Serious, profession.
Serious.
Serious, profession.
Oh, what time is it? A wee wee small hours in the morning.
It's about three o'clock I'm sorry darling, I didn't mean to wake you.
I was awake anyway.
You can't sleep, because your so worried about us going into business That's right, yes.
Thought so.
Night, night.
Thats okay, I feel fine now you have comforted me.
Well, I would comfort you, Janice, But? But I've got a heavy day tomorrow, Yes? So I gotta get in a good night pretending to be fast asleep.
Why can't you really go to sleep? Cause I'm so worried about us going into business Funny how something can seem such a breeze in the middle of a sunny day and at three o'clock in the morning It feels like you have eaten a lorryload of all bran.
You see, we own more than half of this place Yes.
With our savings.
.
We're quiet nicely placed.
To buy Le Chateau takes every last penny.
And we'd take on a colossal mortgage.
Yes.
And if it fails.
.
We won't have a pot to piss in.
Exactly.
Should I make some drinking chocolate? Good Idea.
Okay.
No, I'll come with you.
No no, I'll bring it to you.
No, no! I don't wanne be late without you all that time.
Ooohh.
.
hm That's nice.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Do you remember, the night we met? Well, of course I do.
You had an artichoke souflée and a tomato cooly You remember the food.
In that pratio we had skate wings and black butter He was a prat.
He had to be.
Ordering fish on a monday.
Everybody knows the fishmarket 'd be closed, he should have known it 'd be frozen.
hahahaha.
.
What was I wearing? Pardon? What.
.
You heard me.
I was just playing for time.
I'm quite good at playing for time.
Oh, that reminds me, it's your mother's birthday next month I know.
You asked me to remind you.
Hm hm Why, don't you want to have a party at Le Chateau? Oh yeah.
Who shall we invite? Well People will have to travel you'll have to make plans.
And people will have to stay over.
We must get a duvet for that black bedroom Yes, what about a nice bleu one.
No, not bleu not in that room.
Oh.
I saw a nice one in North Leeds the other day.
A sort of William Morressay but not so nur Why are we talking about duvets? How do you else got it playing for time? Why would I talk to this journalist tomorrow? Because any publicity will help the business.
Oh, I see.
It wasn't easy getting that interview.
They weren't very interested in the restaurant.
Ooh, sounds promising.
Now don't be difficult with thou.
I won't I want you to You've done it again.
Okay, we've done, birthdays, duvets and journalists now let us return to you remembering the food but not, what I is was wearing.
Well You see up to now I'd always thought you spend the entire evening trying to look down the front of my dress.
Janice! It was quite a nice memory, really.
Now, it turns out you were just staring at my plate.
I was looking down your front.
Honest, I was looking down your front Don't bullshit me.
Well you'd left a bit, Janice.
You know how I hate that.
Quite a big bit, actually.
And it was my own special recepy with capers.
Why didn't you finish it.
I really can't remember.
Well there was obviously something wrong with it.
Gareth, we are talking about eight years ago.
Still it was a nice souflée.
Khhh Eight years, my word how they flown.
Well, they'd be here for six then.
Gosh, six years.
Yeah and we were terrified about buying this place.
Hmm.
We were yes.
My turn now okay isn't it? Hwwhh.
God we've been through some rough times together.
Hmm.
.
Getting the mortgage for this place.
Hm hm.
.
The crash of eighty seven.
Hmm, hmm.
Our honeymoon This could all be academic anyway.
I mean, whe got to sell this place so we can't t do it.
We'll sell it.
Oh, no-one has made an offer yet.
Give it a chance, Janice lots of people have looked at it and they all seem to like it a lot.
Well, who for instance? Well, that couple who expected any moment, they liked it a lot.
And they have to make up their minds very soon.
Oh, it wasn't that immanent, was it.
Janice, I was boiling water and looking out fresh towels, all the time they were here.
It was a very suspensfull experience.
And there was that women who talked, like she had a rather nasty smell under her nose.
Mrs.
Fortiss Perkins.
She thought it was simply charming.
And there was that guy who made all this money out of property.
Got there just in time, you know.
He liked it and he's an almost definite.
Oh, why didn't he make an offer then? He said he is all according to the capital games in brangomens.
so he had to see his accountant.
Hmm.
.
So, out of three people one of them is bound to go for it.
Hmm.
Well, we see.
Now who we seeing tomorrow, that bank champion.
And the guy from the receivers.
Ohm We got to crack on like we are dead confident.
Oh yes.
Well, your good at all that.
I know.
But only right now I'm faltering just a bit I expect it is because I'm only a women.
Yeah, that will be a problem.
Could you say something romantic and sentimental, just now please? Could you give me a for instance? Like, you love me? I love you, Janice.
And, you're glad you married me? I am! And you've no regrets.
What? Well, just the one.
What?? I really wish I hadn't booked capers and that artichoke souflée, you know.
Hmm.
.
How much brandy did you put in that hot chocolate? Just enough.
Hmm.
.
Huhuhu You see, if the bank gives you the mortgage, and the bridging loan, it will be secured on your house.
and ultimatly, this place.
Every penny.
Yes So if you fouled, the bank would be allright.
Phff.
.
Phfew,.
.
What a relief! I was véry worried about that.
But your savings and your home, everything will be in the venture.
You won't have anything.
No I mean you will be destitute.
Destitute.
The bank will ful close.
Take the restaurant.
Hmm.
.
Once you sold your house, you won't have anywhere to live That's what I'm driving.
Well we were always gonna move in upstairs here, they have a small star flat, but Yes, you're right, of course if we faul then eh, yes hm.
.
we will be, as you say Destitute.
Destitute, it's your word of the week isn't it? You see, if we do the deal, all the creditors will be covered.
They'll get their money.
But nearly all that.
The bank will be well secured.
Well, that's what banks do, isn't it? Cover themselves always up, charge huge interest rates and than, crack on doing everybody a big favour? In a nuttshell.
Well.
Nonononono.
I didn't mean to be rude, but Of course you cover yourselfves, but one element in this equation has to be brutaled.
Yes.
And that's you.
The receiver here takes care of the people who were owed money but, one of them has to take the risk.
Yes.
And that's us.
It is.
The bank will be okay.
Yes.
The crediters will be okay.
Indeed.
And we won't have a pot to Precise.
I think we understood.
Yes.
Good, well, as soon as I hear from the venue, I'll be in touch.
Right, we'll meet again on thursday.
Thank you.
Do you have that reposession I presume just a minute.
They're wonderfully reassuring, aren't they? Aren't aint just.
I still don't know their names.
Berk and Hair.
Goodmorning, ladies and gentlemen.
Good morning chef! Very shortely, these premises are to be visited be persons from the press.
Who will take photographs.
Which will be widely exhibited to a startled populous.
Who, seen the lamentable and squalled conditions under which food is prepared here, will make a mental note, never to set foot in this establishment.
Trade will decline sharply, the restaurant will close and all within will be thrown on to the streat to enjoy a life of suffering and painering.
Is that what you want? No chef!! Well then clean this frigging kitchen!!! Yes chef! I have never seen anything like it in my whole life.
Otto, dearheart.
Yes chef? I know I'm a little lightheaded.
It is probably the effect of inhaling all the fumes from the kilotonnes of putrified waste under my feet.
Therefore I may be a little confused.
But isn't it true that if we clear away the crap to a depth of about two feet, we'll find a cooker underneath? Chef? People ask me, you know why the receivers came in.
I say, very simple, we poisened the clientele.
Oxford account a council rubbish dump, nuclear waste disposiality.
How could I help you? Oh never mind it's just me having a little joke, it stops me giving into histerical sobbing.
Take the notice Nobody else around here does! So how are we doing, have we got any office yet? Oh got out just in time, jolly good.
Why, what's he offered? But that's rediculous, the shed's worth more than that! Well that's an insult.
We are talking about Linden Cottage, you know with the roof and windows and everything? Has everybody else offered anything? Oh, mrs rather nasty smell, mrs Fortiss Perkins, jolly good.
Nice lady, I liked her.
Snotty cow, what is the matter with it! What, is that all? I see Well, what about mr.
and mrs.
expecting it any minute? They want four bedrooms.
Four bedrooms? Yes, they had twins.
Unexpectedly Is that a joke? They don't seem to think so.
So, we haven't got a buyer at all.
Well no it seems not, I mean they have made lots of offers but no-one 's come near the asking price.
Well we can't buy this place if we don't get our asking price.
Well, don't worry, there'll be lots of other people to look at it.
We'll be okay.
It'll be okay.
.
Ohh.
.
got to go and talk to this journo now.
Gareth.
I will be a model of cooperation.
Mmhh.
.
Haahhh.
okidoki.
I'm Ginny, ehm.
.
just a little picky.
.
Now, could you just be chopping? And looking up at my and smiling? No.
No I'mean with just a few of your collegues in shot and, you with that big knife, looking up chopping a leek and smiling.
No.
I'm sorry? You see, when I'm chopping I look at what I'm doing.
It's how I've managed to reach the age of thirty four, with a full complement of fingers.
Hahaha Well funny.
.
Only it's just for the photo, you see.
I think the picture would be better if we just did our thing and you captured it, you know, without just looking.
See it's just, we usually have a nice smily pose picture for this feature, you know? Whoo! That's one of the best photos we've ever had, that'll be really excellent! Please don't use that picture! Please don't use that picture, I was being wordlessly sarcastic.
Marcel Marceau would have been proud of me, you know.
You know, this is a real kitchen we do not do smiling in this kitchen.
Honestly, that was really super.
Now, shall we grab a table and have a little chat? Hahaha.
So, what sort of food do you do? Well, that's the whole point, it's unamshamedly french I'll make no bones about that.
French cooking.
Yes, you see.
.
I love the summer.
Yes Your biro always write so well.
Are you married? What? Are you married? Yes, I am married.
.
but about the french cuisine.
.
How old are you? Thirty four.
Thirtee.
.
ffour.
.
He oh yeah, hahaha Yes you said, fingers, yeah.
.
Six foot two, weight fifteen stone, take a size seventeen collar.
Yeah, we don't need all that, it's eh, just, how old you are and if you're married.
Oh yes, and what star sign are you? Libra.
Libra Scorpio rising.
Done.
Nothing else you wanted to ask me? No, I don't think so.
Ooh.
.
yes, hahaha.
.
How stupid How did you meet your wife? How did I meet my wife Yes? I met her in a restaurant.
A res.
.
taurant.
.
A restaurant where they have cuisine like they have in this restaurant.
You see, what we do is, we take the central tennants of french cuisine but with a radical eclectic approach, for instance if you look at See we don't really, do that sort of thing.
central tennants and all that, it's eh.
.
it's more a smily picture and how you met your wife.
I see.
Or something funny that happened in the kitchen.
Sort of thing, you know.
.
It's that sort of newspaper.
Has something funny happened in your kitchen? No.
Ehm What? This is veal, isn't it? L'empecte de veau, yes.
Yes you see, I'm a bit worried about something.
What? Well, about this cut on my finger.
Well it's not bad is it? Put a plaster on it.
Oh, I had a plaster on it.
Elasta-plaster.
You know.
Hmm And I sort of lost track of it.
Lost track of it?? I mean, it was on my finger this morning, and now he's gone.
It was this sort of color.
And I did service a few times.
Have we been serving many of these? Oh, no.
.
You see.
.
If chef finds out I think he might be a bit upset.
Are you sure, it's in here? Well, no because I've done lot's of other things.
Like what? Like.
.
filling those little pies.
I helped do the ravioli to.
It's a bit worrying really.
Everton Do you know how long I've been sous-chef? No.
Do you know what it means to be sous-chef? You're number two, right? I'm number two in the best kitchen in England.
I've only been it, for a couple of weeks, and the first time that chef leaves me in charge for five minutes, we start serving fricassée of used elasta-plast!! I hate you Everton, I want you to die.
Now you're gonna find that plaster and find it fast.
Sive this stew and check every bit of it.
But.
.
Do it!! And not a word, to anyone.
Lucinda! Chef! Eighty for lunch.
Everything under control? Yes Chef.
Good.
Put a dressing on that.
Yes chef.
Good god, cooks cooking wiht open wounds, whatever next.
Why we don't just put a dollop of Botulinus toxin on everyones plate, and have done.
Not that what are you civilly in plasters here.
This box, down here.
Here, here, here! The blue ones.
God, you use an ordinary one and use it, it could end up anywhere, couldn't it? Yes chef! You'd never find it, can you imagine what a nightmere that 'd be? I can, yes.
That's why we use blue ones, you see, there is no blue food.
As yet.
It's spotted floating around in the boeff bourguignon.
Okay, everyone update.
It seems, no-one wants to buy our house.
And if we can't sell it than we can't persevere with our offer on this place.
I'm sorry I can't offer more hope at this moment in time.
Who made these? I did, chef.
What the hell is this?? Chef, you see Green pepper corns in a ravioli? Since when do we put green peppercorns in? Well, wewewewe the pies it.
.
Good, ehm.
.
we did decide on the green peppercorns last week actually.
It was my idea, but you said that.
.
That's right I did.
I'll try this later.
Hello there, find you all inhere.
It's all happening then? Yes.
All looks very professional.
Gosh you are brave, whenever I do it in a party I'm in an absolute panic.
I suppose you microwave a lot of stuff, do you? Strange to relate, no.
Oh come on, you buy things in bags and boil them up don't you? My friend was telling me.
No, actually we don't.
You see, this is what we call the kitchen.
We are chefs, we prepare the food from scratch.
You see, we take the basic ingredients.
.
It's allright!! I'm not going to print anything about the cooking.
Your secrets are safe with me.
Give me strength.
cheff.
.
You are whispering, Everton You are trying to engage my attention and yet you whisper.
This does not engender confidence it suggests unwelcome news will follow.
You know you told me to put a plaster on my finger? I do Well I did put one on.
You'll marry me.
.
I have an horrific premonition of what you are about to say.
And I sort of lost track of it, sort of thing.
Did you find it? No.
Do you have any idea of where it is? Not really.
What did you work on today? The blankets, but I checked them thoroughly.
And the pies.
And the ravioli.
Well the ravioli is easy, you just cut it open check and then rewrap in fresh pasta.
Yes, chef.
The pies you cut open, they're write-off Couldn't we just twist 'm.
.
Everton! This is a restaurant, that produces the finest food that can be prepared by men.
If you can imagine anything more apaling to discover on your plate then a used elasta-plast, then, I don't want to know what it is.
Do what I say, then when you've done it, take your sharpest knife, point it at your chest, and hurl yourself violently forward Yes, chef.
All the pies ruined? Yes, chef.
All the pastry rewrapped? Yes, chef.
Did you find it? Yes, chef.
Good.
It was under the soap in the toilet.
What an entirely charming interlude.
You're prat, Stonehen.
A prime pinheaded, pee brain pillock.
Yes, chef.
This restaurant tethers on a financel break and you cost us a packet.
Yes, chef.
Nonetheless I mindfull of the fact that you didn't just pretend, that nothing had happened.
So just this once, you won't have to kill yourself.
Thank you, chef.
Nore you will have to kill yourself next time, because I will do it for you.
Kitchen, chef.
Oh, hello feature editor of the Cottswald Reporter, I'm glad you called back.
Well, I don't want to seem overly conceited, I just think there are more interesting things about me than how I met my wife and how old I am.
Well I must have made a pin in the bath being sharply divided, some say I'm the greatest chef in the country.
Others say I'm the greatest chef in the world.
Either way I would think a question about my cooking would take presedence over my star sign! Oh, you want to talk about my cooking? Well, we have mondays of come to the house.
Yes, we'll talk then.
Eight thirty.
Good.
It's called "at home" that's why I couldn't come to the restaurant.
But we do do a slightly more in depth sort of interview than Ginny would.
Hey, I wasn't ready for that.
O, I thought you favoured the "snatched reality" approach.
Well I do I do, but next time, I'd like a warning, so that the reality of my best side is snatched, you know.
.
In a decent light.
Nice light in the sitting room.
I don't do any cooking inhere.
Oh, you know quanting your pease around the fire, kind of thing.
You now ball between your legs flickering firelight.
Nice shot on that chimney.
Yes, we do that.
Do we? Eh how about the bathroom? We do a remarkably small amount of cooking in the bathroom.
Hehe, it's how your profession, impacts on your habitat.
Do we see? Well, you did so call those pickle jars in the bath that time Gareth, didn't you? Well You still got those jars, have you governer? Well, yes.
And the bedroom.
The bedroom.
We do ripen our avocados in the airing cupboard that's just outside it No it isn't.
It's quite near it.
Janice, the airing cupboard is downstairs.
The thing is, uche, we have got Ginny's article, and if we are gonna dump it in favour of this, we gotta get what we want.
Well Not to mention finding a replacement for that, picture she took in your restaurant kitchen.
Smashing picky that I loved it.
Let me give you a guided tour of the entire house.
Certainly, with you.
While we're about it, why don't we look into the downstairs lavatory.
It is ofcourse where most of my cooking ends up.
Yes, wild Still not a word, about my kitchen philosophy.
Well it's a huge article.
Yeah, but it is all about the house.
I look as a prat in this bedroom picture.
Mmhh.
.
yes.
.
One, two, three, four, five pictures, the bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom, Could you just hold on for a second please.
It's mrs.
rather nasty smell.
She wants to pay the asking price.
She wants to pay the a.
Thu, how do you kn Hello mrs.
rathe.
.
I mean mrs.
Fortiss Perkins.
That's absolutely splendid.
Yes, well could you just Hello, mrs.
Perkins.
How nice to hear from you.
Unfortunately we have accepted a slightly higher offer.
Well there has been this article in the localrag, you see, a bit emberassing actually, but it has created a great deal of interest.
Oh, you saw it.
Yes.
Well, we have been offered 5000 above the asking price, as a matter of fact.
Yes, the phone hasn't stopped ringing.
Well, do give it some thought and call us back.
So nice to hear from you, bye.
What phone hasn't stopped ringing? This one.
Yeah hello? Oh hi.
Hehe, did you? Yes.
Well, we have actually been offered 10.
000 pounds above the asking price.
What did he say about the embranglements? Whoo, nothing not you, just, something here.
He, yes.
This is so nice.
It's our anniversary.
No, it isn't.
Yes it is.
It is eight years to the day, since you left something I cooked for you on your plate uneaten It isn't.
It is.
Eight years, since we met? And you're taking me out to celebrate.
Oh Gareth, you're so romantic.
I know.
I would have taken the night of just for me.
We are sitting in our own restaurant.
Just think of it.
Oh, Gareth.
Arthichoke souflée, madame.
Threksee Fleshire.
No capers.
Hmm.
.
Who should once have been different.
Why? Just fancied looking down your front for a bit.
It doesn't stop.
Wonderfull.
Oohh.
.
What? What is this? Artichoke souflée.
But this, it's amazing, a special ingredient.
Oh Gareth, I love you.
Yes yes what, what ingredient? It is something very special.
Janice, what are you talking about? I have never seen blue food before.
Did you eh, want a word with Everton at all? Everton no, why should I? Because he only has a few minutes to live, that's all.