Chef! (1993) s01e04 Episode Script
The Big Cheese
I'm the best, so do not test, the top of my profession.
The master of my chosen field, of that there is no question.
Serious.
Serious, profession.
Serious.
Serious, profession.
No thanks, I not hungry.
What's the matter with you? Can't think.
This is after all a perfectly normal day, I'm left alone, while my husband spend all his time, cooking.
Well, that's what I do, Janice cook, I'm totally driven.
We're talking severe personality desorder here.
You know this.
This is why you married me.
Don't talk to me like that! Of course I know that.
You know, this is your day off.
Yeah, but this is important.
Important! Janice Important.
I'm important, I'm your wife.
I get your day off, that was the deal.
I am that important.
More iffing, blinding, frigging important than a pissing fish patê.
It's a mousse.
A salmon and dille mousse.
I don't care if it's caviar, truffles and foie gras steeped in Napoleon brandy, It is not as important as me you selfobsessed.
.
Janice, calm down Don't patronize me you workaholic, egomaniac.
Janice, this mousse.
.
Shut up about the piddling mousse!! You see it is a mousse.
It it had be a patê you could have picked it up and thrown it at me.
I wish it was a patê.
I can see that.
I want to cut the cute talk now, Gareth.
I mean this, a want more of your time, a lot more.
You'll have it, I promise.
That's what you always say.
You always say that.
And never meant.
This stuff me, this to kill for, isn't it? Hmm.
.
Oohh.
.
Gorgeous.
.
Could you be critical, please? How can I be critical, with this in my mouth? Well that's what all the girls say to me.
Don't! Don't do belong tendered me in that tone of voice.
I'm still angry.
Drink this.
Now a spoonfull of mousse.
What's the first taste.
Just sort of sweetly fishy.
Oohh.
.
What? Now it's salmonny.
Oohh.
.
Soo Salmonny.
That's the second.
Ah, now it's more smoked salmon.
Three.
Hmm.
Oh, this texture.
It's dille.
Four.
Dill, everywhere.
And the finish? Hmm.
.
it's almost.
Prawny, sort of buttery.
Prawny, sort of prawny, buttery, mmhh.
.
mhmhmhmhmh.
It's all gone now.
It's gone clean away.
Ready for the next spoonfull.
How kind.
It is important, this mousse, Janice.
Albert is coming for lunch.
Gareth, I don't care.
Albert? Yes.
You don't mean, Albert? Yes.
Albert Roux? Yes.
The mouse is not good enough.
I know.
The dille is to strong.
Yeah, and the salmon is to weak.
Yeah, and it is to creamy there is an area of blandness.
Yeah, and there is really only two textures.
And I think the prawnyness borders on the vulgar, to be franc.
It's crap, isn't it? Yes.
Alright, what do you want to do on my day off.
Help you get this mousse right.
No no, you're right, I have been sellfish, we'll go out, we'll do something nice.
Don't be silly Gareth, this is important.
Well, if you insist How do you know, Albert would choose this mousse, anyway? Albert has a very curious talent.
He picks up a menu, he has never been in the place before in his life.
All he sees, are the weaknesses.
He doesn't mean to, god knows he is an unvindicted man Lightly see isn't garlic and her butter wouldn't melt in his mouth But for some reason all the faillures, the phoneys,the flashees, they all wave from the menu.
Hello! Here I am.
Uncussesfull, Pointless, Pretentious, Cuwiii!! And then he says, hmmm I sink I'll start with zthis little phoney 'ere.
And then I'll follow that, with a nice brochette of abject faillure.
And then I think I finish with a nice plate full of pointless and flashy pudding, merci.
.
But shit, goes into the kitchen, chef calls it out, the words, ashes in his mouth, he certainly knows, what he never realised before, that his oyster and silariac soup is a catastrophy, that his fixed of pigeon breast are a calamity, and he blushes to the root of the ostentation of his pistachio, kiwi and sheeps yoghourt surprise.
It occurs to him in a blinding flash, that next to his avocado and welk valavant, madame's livro concert is the mekka of gastronomy.
I've been there, I've seen it, it's hell, I think my mousse was the weakness.
Well It isn't now.
You darn't toot 'm.
Goodbye, Love.
Thank you.
You'll be okay.
I know, I will.
Just relax and cook like you always do.
Janice, I can handle this, you know.
I mean, there are people, who think I'm a passible chef in my own right.
People like, Jonathan Meads, Eogon Ronay, The Michelin Guy, I'm really not nervouse.
No.
No, if I may I going to drive to my restaurant and cook for eighty people as I do, every day of my life.
Yes.
Thank you for your help.
Don't mention it.
But I'm really okay.
Of course.
Gareth Janice, I'm in a hurry, good bye.
Do you want the mousse at all? Will you tell the others? Don't be daft, they just panic and go all to pieces.
It's imperative I don't tell them anything.
That's what I thought.
Hmm.
.
The texture's excellent.
You've lost that prawnyness, I was never keen on that.
Lovely clean finish.
I didn't manage to bang van the smoked salmon flavour.
Ooohoooh!!! Oh, my god! Mmmhhh Mmrrhhh.
mmhh Is that salmon mousse or what!? Shall I ask Nola what she thought of it? Mis en place, for the mousse I tell.
Yes, chef! Everton! Ah, good evening, how nice of you to pop in.
Doughtless you happen to find yourself in the area.
Unfortunate looking on a few vagely remembered acquaintances.
Don't hit me with nothing with metal on that.
That's all I'm asking.
I'm a young man, I've got my whole life in front of my and I don't deserve permanent damage.
Are you a consumer of wacky backy, Everton? No stop I don't touch it.
Chef! You call me Chef! What do you call me? Chef, Stock! Chef.
.
I call you Chef, Chef.
As in good bye Chef, it was nice working for you, would you forward all my mail to the labour exchange, please? What are you talking about? I don't like dopeheads in my kitchen, Everton.
I'm not a dopehead.
Really? Well, you look glazed to me.
Look, I know I look a bit glazed but, It's my natural expression sort of thing.
You know.
Ah, you know? But today, you look double glazed.
Today you look like the Anglian window stand at the ideal home exhibition Bu.
.
But Chef, Stock, Chef! Look I really don't know, what you're talking about.
Today, Everton Albert Roux is coming for lunch, today, no-one screws up and lives to tell the tale, okay? Okay, okay, I won't screw up, and I'm sorry I'm late.
Who's Albert Roux? Albert Roux is the finest chef in England.
You know.
.
one of the finest chefs in England.
And you are gonna be cooking for him? Hey, that's góód.
Bloody hell, you must be shitting up yourself.
Nice, this fish paste ain't it? Oh, good morning, Sebastian.
Oh, morning, Chef.
What I'm looking for, is a nice, ripe Stilton.
Got any? Uh, got a couple eh? Good.
Eh, you know? Pasteurized? Yes, I do know pasteurized that's why I don't want them I'm looking for real Stilton.
We have discussed this before.
Oh, you can't get it anymore, Chef.
It's the government.
It is not a banned substance, Sebastian look, I'll level with you.
I do Stilton now and then.
I can handle it.
Yeah, but no-one makes it anymore they have bottled out.
It's the bugs.
I know it's the bugs, that's what cheese is gone off milk with bugs and mold.
That's why it tastes so good.
Look, thousand bugs together have a good deal going down.
Why can't people grasp this? Yeah, but you just can't get it anymore, Chef.
Sebastian, in this world, you can get anything, from crack to the eggs of the dartfort warbler, from a good nipple tongue, to a human kidney.
Believe me, someone somewhere does, real nasty, bareback, no safety net, unpasteurized Stilton, and I want it.
And I want a deal with the kind of supplier who can get it for me.
Shee, it's the hell if I suspect.
That's no concern of mine, that's more proportioned if my customers drop dead from eating real Stilton.
Well, they died in a good cause, and happy.
What more can expect? Whe have to for the wild element in our society, you know.
People who eat soft boiled eggs, people who drink tapwater, people who spread butter on white bread, you know the reckless ones.
The dare devils.
Anyway, al these are unpasteurized.
Ah, they're French.
But you can bring them into this country? Well, not all of them.
I mean, if I see a good cheese, I just whack it in sort of thing, without the paperwork.
You mean you do cheese running? Yeah This country has gone mad, there is be gonna be adverts soon: "clunk click every mouth-full".
"Camembert, really screws you up".
"While eating Brie, always where a condom".
So, there are cheeses here, you shouldn't bring in? Whea.
.
I few, yeah.
I'll have all of them.
Now, what about this Stilton? Ah, well Chef.
And I want it for lunch, today.
Well, today?? Yes.
Yes.
Albert Roux is coming for lunch.
Albert!? Yes.
Here?! Yes.
Today!? Still having trouble with the made up sentences, Sebastian? It's Albert Roux, for lunch, here, today.
Shall I have it commited of videling, get it send round? Blimey, fancy having to cook for Albert Roux.
Bet you're nervous, hé.
Ehm ehm Well, eh he'd eh he'd like some of them froggy ones.
They're the bussines.
I do not want the froggy ones.
All my life I have had Frenches Best rammed down my throat.
This is the one area, where I can stick two stinky, blue veined fingers up on all of that.
English Stilton is cheese one! Everyone knows that.
So, between his stunning French entree and his perfect French pudding, I want to give him a piece of unsurpassable English Stilton.
And then his meal will be perfect.
And I want to do this very badly, Sebastian.
Very badly indeed.
Real Stilton, by lunchtime, or don't ever bother coming here again.
Have a nice day.
But chef! Chef, chef! I got all the restaurants to visit.
Coming rea Morning Sebastian.
What have you got for us? Oh, just these.
Ah.
Cheese with the gift of movement.
How delightfull, is that all there is? Yeah.
Chef threw a bit of a wobbler.
Oh, did he? Oh, and make up a normal order for me, would you? Yes, ehm You know when Chef says things like don't ever come here again Yes? He doesn't really mean that, does he? Yes.
Yeah, but he'll forget it later, does he? No.
You see, he's my best customer.
That's right.
He said, if I didn't get him some real Stilton by lunchtime I wasn't to come here again.
Oh, what a shame! I'd like to wish you all the very best for the future.
No, no leave it out.
What am I supposed to do? Get him some real Stilton by lunchtime, I should think.
It is only eight thirty, you've got four and a half hours.
Could you bring the rest in? It's the king of cheese, it's the king.
And it's English so of course we let some bureaucrat who thinks tomato flavoured cheese he wants it is a really rather clever, throw it away for us.
Stock, stock.
Chef!! Chef! If you call me Stock once more, I'll pasteurize you.
Ahh.
What? It's amazing! What? The colors, like a Matisse canvas.
Ehmm The sweet corn, so yellow And the red of these peppers, look at.
.
so red! And here the glorious deep green of the water cress, so.
.
so Green? Yes! It looks like a Provençal summer.
A Toscan afternoon.
I'm very glad, you made this Piers, Yeah? Yes, it reminded my why we never have vegetable terinne on the menu.
It does indeed look like a Tuscan summer, It tastes like a Neapolitan compost heap.
But it's beautifull Throw it away Piers, before I make you eat it.
Good morning, Chef.
The salmon.
Is it wild? Well, it's not very pleased! Every bloody time, Leighman every bloody time.
One day surprise me.
Lucinda? Yes, Chef.
This is the salmon for the mousse.
Everton.
Chef? What are the fish like? They're eh.
.
they are kinda, they're kind of flat.
and a range of red spots on them.
Quite a nice color, actually.
I once had a tie like this.
And a kind of grey like my mohair sous-sous of grey.
That actually is a bit vagrant.
I know what a plaice looks like, you parrot brained pillock! I want to know if the fish are any good or not.
What is the most important element of cooking? Ingredients.
So, are the gills red, the eyes bright, the fish stiff and is it slimy? I mean, look at this, I haven't had one as stiff as this in weeks.
Don't anybody say anything.
It's red eyed and slimier than Kenneth Bacon.
Four casks of these, Raymon.
Right to ya, Chef.
Lucinda.
Yes, Chef.
Everton? Chef? I want you to clean the fish.
It's a long, stinky, unpleasant job.
Lucinda will show you how.
Enjoy.
Yes, Chef.
Need an extra seasening on your pheasant, Piers, always radical in your approach? I dropped it.
Well, I didn't think you were trying to return it to the wild.
More or right aren't you Piers? Me, I'm just gay, Chef.
Good.
How much, for the salmon mousse? Seven fifty.
It's a steal.
Is that right, Albert Roux's come for lunch? Yes.
Gosh, that must be quite a daunting prospect, cooking for him.
I really do think, I'll be able to cope.
Aren't you? No.
God, I'm good.
Stuff me, I am the dog's testicals and of that there is no dought.
Suck on my mousse, ye mighty and despair.
Will you tell me how it's done? No.
Will you tell Albert? Will, he ask you! He might.
He won't want to.
But you won't tell him.
There is no-one on this planet I will tell.
When I die that mousse dies with me.
Kitchen, Chef.
Yes! I do, who told you? Stilton! Well I don't know how franc one can be on an open telephone line I gather the cheese police are everywhere.
But I want some and I'm gonna use the "U" word now.
Unpasteurized Stilton.
No, I need it for lunch, today.
Any chance you could deliver? Don't worry, I'll be there.
Mr.
Hodgkin, Sweet Meadow Farm, Shiptoncom Studley.
You'll be expecting me, good, okay bye.
Shiptoncom Studley is miles away.
Seven or eight, I'll be back by about half past ten, the latest.
But what about the salmon mousse? Oh, you can do that, I'll show you how it's done.
That is Stilton.
Ahrr Haly bloody luha.
One major piece of cheese.
Cow and bug, in perfect harmony.
I'll take all four of them.
Haahhrrr.
.
Don't mind me asking but, that what you've got on, is that the latest fashion nowadays, is that? Oh my god, it's the cheese police.
Morning, sir.
Morning.
You'd be a cook than, would you sir? I can see you're detective material officer.
We don't need this sarcasm sir, I was merely passing a remark.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean I say, I should have to take very great care how I express myself in future? I'm sorry I'm just in a bit of a panic at the moment, to tell you the truth.
Indeed, sir.
And why might that be? Well, you see constable, I've got Albert Roux coming for.
.
Sergeant sir, Sergeant, I mean you can quite clearly see my badge and rang.
You're obviously not detective material.
Sergeant, sergeant, I'm extremely sorry I made a flippant remark, I do apologize.
I'm Chef de Cuisine at Le Chateau Anglais.
What that place over towards the residence? Yes, that's right.
You do much bussines over there, sir? We're full, always.
You have to have booked in a previous life.
People put their son's names down at birth.
Sometimes, during the conception.
Today for lunch we have a hundred people and Albert Roux.
Albert Roux, what, the Chef? Yes and I'm not nervous, I can cope.
Which explains no dought, why you are joyriding around the country side, twenty miles away in a classic sports car.
But it doesn't away.
.
What is the registration number of this vehicle, please sir? It's the wife's car, I think there is a "T" in it or a "Y" and, ehh.
.
What brings you out to mr Hodgkin's farm than? I came to buy some cheese.
Cheese? Yes, good ingredients are very important.
The most important element in good cooking, I'd say sir.
That's, that's right.
It is odd, than sir.
Why is that? Well, mr Hodgkin's farm isn't a diary farm at all sir.
Every inch of it is horrible.
Barley, patato, oil seed, rape.
Thirty acres of sunflowers seeds.
It is a wonderful sight in the summer.
Like a Van Gogh painting.
Twenty acres the south side.
Oh, and a greenhouse full of cannabis in the bottom field.
This is what brings me over here.
Oh, no We have reason to believe a gentleman from Le Chateau is a enthousiastic customer, for this lately class crop Everton, tonight you sleep with the fishes.
Of your mind, stepping out the car, please sir.
Nola! Yes, Chef.
Some cheese for today's lunch.
Thank you, Chef.
First things first, lunch.
Lamb.
Venison.
Starters.
Salmon mousse.
Puddings.
Hmm Everton? Chef? I am angry.
Yes, Chef.
My head is full of remarkably rude words, all jostling for release.
My brain receives an urgent message from my right foot.
Please insert me briskly and repeatedly in Everton's Stonehead's soft parts.
Why has my grey matter this trouble? Did you get the Stilton? The most intorable thing is, that on the day of the most important lunch of my life, thanks to you, I had to spend my time bribing policemen and doing deals with farmers, instead of working in my own kitchen.
and then when I return, I find that everything, Every last little thing is competely and utterly perfect.
Without me.
How do you think, that feels? Bribing policemen? I have had to hand out more free meals to the local police force, then a relief worker in Uzbekistan.
And all because mr Everton Stonehead, buys his dope at Sweat Manor Farm, Shipton Coms Dudley Chef, but Chef I told you, why do you think it's me? I don't even know where Sweat Manor Farm is.
Well, at New Shipton Coms Dudley.
First you ride by the post office, and then it's up that farm track, about a mile and a half.
Would you look at the color of that mayo! God, it's just perfect with the awely green, green of the capers.
It's so beautifull, look.
Oh, don't know what's the mattter with me today, must have got dropsy.
Piers! Piers.
Sorry Chef, but you know they'll wash out okay, accidents will happen.
Hmm.
hmm.
I hate to interrupt, but there are a few people in the dining room asking, if they could get lunch, here at all.
Ãa marche, one truffled eggs and a tagliatelli.
Yes, Chef.
One salade Niçoise.
Yes, Chef One salmon in champagne sauce.
Yes, Chef.
One plaice in Bernois.
Oui, Chef.
We have a pretty copper here, ladies and gentlemen, good luck.
Lunchwise we have lift off.
Hello police, I'd like to speak to Sergeant Attercliff, please.
Don't put the champagne in yet, let the foam subside first.
Sergeant, hello.
Yes, good news, I have the guy who has been buying mr.
Hodgkins dope.
Well I'm pretty certain it's him, I've got the evidence right here in front of me.
Yes, I can hold him here till you arrive, no problem.
Ten minutes, that's wonderfull, good.
Chef Garlic, chalottes, green peppercorns.
Yes, Chef.
Chef Piers, you are going down, I hate dopeheads.
Chef.
Forget it Piers, thanks to you I now have to apologize, to this kitchen mediocre.
Everton! Chef? I apologize.
I was percibited.
You're right mate.
Well I'm very sorry.
No problem, Stock.
I hate you, Piers.
I would like to see you offer on a plate.
Chef, please.
Chef, I only smoked a bit, it will never happen again, so help me.
It'd better not Piers, believe me it'd better not.
Because the next time you do that stuff, there really will be a policeman on the other end of that telephoneline.
What you mean you mean.
.
He's here, table 9.
Has he ordered? No.
Vegetables for a mullet.
Nearly done, Chef.
Nearly? Well, a moment or two.
Now I when they are needed, the fish is peeking there is no nearly, you must peek together.
Has your wife never mentioned this to you? They're almost there, Chef.
Bin!! What is the most important element of cooking? Ingredients.
Timing!! Ingredients was the most important element, this morning.
Timing.
I am so alone.
Thank you.
We have a taken for the salmon mousse.
Yes, Chef.
One celery au gratin.
Yes, Chef.
One cerril soup.
Yes, Chef.
One lambs stew.
And a calfs liver.
Yes, Chef.
And portent Piers, patent peasant with floor cleaner relish.
Yes, chef.
Ãa marche, table 9.
No-one says, "ça marche" in this kitchen but me.
I ám sorry, I simply couldn't resist.
What's the order.
Monsieur Roux sends his best wishes and wonders if Chef would be kind enough, to choose for him.
Aahhh.
Shit What's wrong with that? Well, now he knows, that whatever I give him is the best I can do, doesn't he? Ãa marche, one salmon mousse, one Venitian stew, one lemon tart.
Uhm.
.
What? I don't think the Venitian Stew, is the best thing you do.
Something wrong with it? No, it's gonna rehearse, it's just not the best main course you do, that's all.
Exactly.
Well, so nice to be here.
It was great.
Thank you, Chef.
Lemon tart, tingeant, you know, sharpness was absolutely right.
Aahh.
.
that salmon mousse, so light.
Superb.
Superb, ehmm.
.
My dear Gareth, I need something from you.
And, uhm, I feel a bit embarrassed to ask you, you know.
Please ask me anything.
Are you sure? Hm.
go ahead.
Anything.
I have to ask you Where you get your unpasteurized Stilton.
The master of my chosen field, of that there is no question.
Serious.
Serious, profession.
Serious.
Serious, profession.
No thanks, I not hungry.
What's the matter with you? Can't think.
This is after all a perfectly normal day, I'm left alone, while my husband spend all his time, cooking.
Well, that's what I do, Janice cook, I'm totally driven.
We're talking severe personality desorder here.
You know this.
This is why you married me.
Don't talk to me like that! Of course I know that.
You know, this is your day off.
Yeah, but this is important.
Important! Janice Important.
I'm important, I'm your wife.
I get your day off, that was the deal.
I am that important.
More iffing, blinding, frigging important than a pissing fish patê.
It's a mousse.
A salmon and dille mousse.
I don't care if it's caviar, truffles and foie gras steeped in Napoleon brandy, It is not as important as me you selfobsessed.
.
Janice, calm down Don't patronize me you workaholic, egomaniac.
Janice, this mousse.
.
Shut up about the piddling mousse!! You see it is a mousse.
It it had be a patê you could have picked it up and thrown it at me.
I wish it was a patê.
I can see that.
I want to cut the cute talk now, Gareth.
I mean this, a want more of your time, a lot more.
You'll have it, I promise.
That's what you always say.
You always say that.
And never meant.
This stuff me, this to kill for, isn't it? Hmm.
.
Oohh.
.
Gorgeous.
.
Could you be critical, please? How can I be critical, with this in my mouth? Well that's what all the girls say to me.
Don't! Don't do belong tendered me in that tone of voice.
I'm still angry.
Drink this.
Now a spoonfull of mousse.
What's the first taste.
Just sort of sweetly fishy.
Oohh.
.
What? Now it's salmonny.
Oohh.
.
Soo Salmonny.
That's the second.
Ah, now it's more smoked salmon.
Three.
Hmm.
Oh, this texture.
It's dille.
Four.
Dill, everywhere.
And the finish? Hmm.
.
it's almost.
Prawny, sort of buttery.
Prawny, sort of prawny, buttery, mmhh.
.
mhmhmhmhmh.
It's all gone now.
It's gone clean away.
Ready for the next spoonfull.
How kind.
It is important, this mousse, Janice.
Albert is coming for lunch.
Gareth, I don't care.
Albert? Yes.
You don't mean, Albert? Yes.
Albert Roux? Yes.
The mouse is not good enough.
I know.
The dille is to strong.
Yeah, and the salmon is to weak.
Yeah, and it is to creamy there is an area of blandness.
Yeah, and there is really only two textures.
And I think the prawnyness borders on the vulgar, to be franc.
It's crap, isn't it? Yes.
Alright, what do you want to do on my day off.
Help you get this mousse right.
No no, you're right, I have been sellfish, we'll go out, we'll do something nice.
Don't be silly Gareth, this is important.
Well, if you insist How do you know, Albert would choose this mousse, anyway? Albert has a very curious talent.
He picks up a menu, he has never been in the place before in his life.
All he sees, are the weaknesses.
He doesn't mean to, god knows he is an unvindicted man Lightly see isn't garlic and her butter wouldn't melt in his mouth But for some reason all the faillures, the phoneys,the flashees, they all wave from the menu.
Hello! Here I am.
Uncussesfull, Pointless, Pretentious, Cuwiii!! And then he says, hmmm I sink I'll start with zthis little phoney 'ere.
And then I'll follow that, with a nice brochette of abject faillure.
And then I think I finish with a nice plate full of pointless and flashy pudding, merci.
.
But shit, goes into the kitchen, chef calls it out, the words, ashes in his mouth, he certainly knows, what he never realised before, that his oyster and silariac soup is a catastrophy, that his fixed of pigeon breast are a calamity, and he blushes to the root of the ostentation of his pistachio, kiwi and sheeps yoghourt surprise.
It occurs to him in a blinding flash, that next to his avocado and welk valavant, madame's livro concert is the mekka of gastronomy.
I've been there, I've seen it, it's hell, I think my mousse was the weakness.
Well It isn't now.
You darn't toot 'm.
Goodbye, Love.
Thank you.
You'll be okay.
I know, I will.
Just relax and cook like you always do.
Janice, I can handle this, you know.
I mean, there are people, who think I'm a passible chef in my own right.
People like, Jonathan Meads, Eogon Ronay, The Michelin Guy, I'm really not nervouse.
No.
No, if I may I going to drive to my restaurant and cook for eighty people as I do, every day of my life.
Yes.
Thank you for your help.
Don't mention it.
But I'm really okay.
Of course.
Gareth Janice, I'm in a hurry, good bye.
Do you want the mousse at all? Will you tell the others? Don't be daft, they just panic and go all to pieces.
It's imperative I don't tell them anything.
That's what I thought.
Hmm.
.
The texture's excellent.
You've lost that prawnyness, I was never keen on that.
Lovely clean finish.
I didn't manage to bang van the smoked salmon flavour.
Ooohoooh!!! Oh, my god! Mmmhhh Mmrrhhh.
mmhh Is that salmon mousse or what!? Shall I ask Nola what she thought of it? Mis en place, for the mousse I tell.
Yes, chef! Everton! Ah, good evening, how nice of you to pop in.
Doughtless you happen to find yourself in the area.
Unfortunate looking on a few vagely remembered acquaintances.
Don't hit me with nothing with metal on that.
That's all I'm asking.
I'm a young man, I've got my whole life in front of my and I don't deserve permanent damage.
Are you a consumer of wacky backy, Everton? No stop I don't touch it.
Chef! You call me Chef! What do you call me? Chef, Stock! Chef.
.
I call you Chef, Chef.
As in good bye Chef, it was nice working for you, would you forward all my mail to the labour exchange, please? What are you talking about? I don't like dopeheads in my kitchen, Everton.
I'm not a dopehead.
Really? Well, you look glazed to me.
Look, I know I look a bit glazed but, It's my natural expression sort of thing.
You know.
Ah, you know? But today, you look double glazed.
Today you look like the Anglian window stand at the ideal home exhibition Bu.
.
But Chef, Stock, Chef! Look I really don't know, what you're talking about.
Today, Everton Albert Roux is coming for lunch, today, no-one screws up and lives to tell the tale, okay? Okay, okay, I won't screw up, and I'm sorry I'm late.
Who's Albert Roux? Albert Roux is the finest chef in England.
You know.
.
one of the finest chefs in England.
And you are gonna be cooking for him? Hey, that's góód.
Bloody hell, you must be shitting up yourself.
Nice, this fish paste ain't it? Oh, good morning, Sebastian.
Oh, morning, Chef.
What I'm looking for, is a nice, ripe Stilton.
Got any? Uh, got a couple eh? Good.
Eh, you know? Pasteurized? Yes, I do know pasteurized that's why I don't want them I'm looking for real Stilton.
We have discussed this before.
Oh, you can't get it anymore, Chef.
It's the government.
It is not a banned substance, Sebastian look, I'll level with you.
I do Stilton now and then.
I can handle it.
Yeah, but no-one makes it anymore they have bottled out.
It's the bugs.
I know it's the bugs, that's what cheese is gone off milk with bugs and mold.
That's why it tastes so good.
Look, thousand bugs together have a good deal going down.
Why can't people grasp this? Yeah, but you just can't get it anymore, Chef.
Sebastian, in this world, you can get anything, from crack to the eggs of the dartfort warbler, from a good nipple tongue, to a human kidney.
Believe me, someone somewhere does, real nasty, bareback, no safety net, unpasteurized Stilton, and I want it.
And I want a deal with the kind of supplier who can get it for me.
Shee, it's the hell if I suspect.
That's no concern of mine, that's more proportioned if my customers drop dead from eating real Stilton.
Well, they died in a good cause, and happy.
What more can expect? Whe have to for the wild element in our society, you know.
People who eat soft boiled eggs, people who drink tapwater, people who spread butter on white bread, you know the reckless ones.
The dare devils.
Anyway, al these are unpasteurized.
Ah, they're French.
But you can bring them into this country? Well, not all of them.
I mean, if I see a good cheese, I just whack it in sort of thing, without the paperwork.
You mean you do cheese running? Yeah This country has gone mad, there is be gonna be adverts soon: "clunk click every mouth-full".
"Camembert, really screws you up".
"While eating Brie, always where a condom".
So, there are cheeses here, you shouldn't bring in? Whea.
.
I few, yeah.
I'll have all of them.
Now, what about this Stilton? Ah, well Chef.
And I want it for lunch, today.
Well, today?? Yes.
Yes.
Albert Roux is coming for lunch.
Albert!? Yes.
Here?! Yes.
Today!? Still having trouble with the made up sentences, Sebastian? It's Albert Roux, for lunch, here, today.
Shall I have it commited of videling, get it send round? Blimey, fancy having to cook for Albert Roux.
Bet you're nervous, hé.
Ehm ehm Well, eh he'd eh he'd like some of them froggy ones.
They're the bussines.
I do not want the froggy ones.
All my life I have had Frenches Best rammed down my throat.
This is the one area, where I can stick two stinky, blue veined fingers up on all of that.
English Stilton is cheese one! Everyone knows that.
So, between his stunning French entree and his perfect French pudding, I want to give him a piece of unsurpassable English Stilton.
And then his meal will be perfect.
And I want to do this very badly, Sebastian.
Very badly indeed.
Real Stilton, by lunchtime, or don't ever bother coming here again.
Have a nice day.
But chef! Chef, chef! I got all the restaurants to visit.
Coming rea Morning Sebastian.
What have you got for us? Oh, just these.
Ah.
Cheese with the gift of movement.
How delightfull, is that all there is? Yeah.
Chef threw a bit of a wobbler.
Oh, did he? Oh, and make up a normal order for me, would you? Yes, ehm You know when Chef says things like don't ever come here again Yes? He doesn't really mean that, does he? Yes.
Yeah, but he'll forget it later, does he? No.
You see, he's my best customer.
That's right.
He said, if I didn't get him some real Stilton by lunchtime I wasn't to come here again.
Oh, what a shame! I'd like to wish you all the very best for the future.
No, no leave it out.
What am I supposed to do? Get him some real Stilton by lunchtime, I should think.
It is only eight thirty, you've got four and a half hours.
Could you bring the rest in? It's the king of cheese, it's the king.
And it's English so of course we let some bureaucrat who thinks tomato flavoured cheese he wants it is a really rather clever, throw it away for us.
Stock, stock.
Chef!! Chef! If you call me Stock once more, I'll pasteurize you.
Ahh.
What? It's amazing! What? The colors, like a Matisse canvas.
Ehmm The sweet corn, so yellow And the red of these peppers, look at.
.
so red! And here the glorious deep green of the water cress, so.
.
so Green? Yes! It looks like a Provençal summer.
A Toscan afternoon.
I'm very glad, you made this Piers, Yeah? Yes, it reminded my why we never have vegetable terinne on the menu.
It does indeed look like a Tuscan summer, It tastes like a Neapolitan compost heap.
But it's beautifull Throw it away Piers, before I make you eat it.
Good morning, Chef.
The salmon.
Is it wild? Well, it's not very pleased! Every bloody time, Leighman every bloody time.
One day surprise me.
Lucinda? Yes, Chef.
This is the salmon for the mousse.
Everton.
Chef? What are the fish like? They're eh.
.
they are kinda, they're kind of flat.
and a range of red spots on them.
Quite a nice color, actually.
I once had a tie like this.
And a kind of grey like my mohair sous-sous of grey.
That actually is a bit vagrant.
I know what a plaice looks like, you parrot brained pillock! I want to know if the fish are any good or not.
What is the most important element of cooking? Ingredients.
So, are the gills red, the eyes bright, the fish stiff and is it slimy? I mean, look at this, I haven't had one as stiff as this in weeks.
Don't anybody say anything.
It's red eyed and slimier than Kenneth Bacon.
Four casks of these, Raymon.
Right to ya, Chef.
Lucinda.
Yes, Chef.
Everton? Chef? I want you to clean the fish.
It's a long, stinky, unpleasant job.
Lucinda will show you how.
Enjoy.
Yes, Chef.
Need an extra seasening on your pheasant, Piers, always radical in your approach? I dropped it.
Well, I didn't think you were trying to return it to the wild.
More or right aren't you Piers? Me, I'm just gay, Chef.
Good.
How much, for the salmon mousse? Seven fifty.
It's a steal.
Is that right, Albert Roux's come for lunch? Yes.
Gosh, that must be quite a daunting prospect, cooking for him.
I really do think, I'll be able to cope.
Aren't you? No.
God, I'm good.
Stuff me, I am the dog's testicals and of that there is no dought.
Suck on my mousse, ye mighty and despair.
Will you tell me how it's done? No.
Will you tell Albert? Will, he ask you! He might.
He won't want to.
But you won't tell him.
There is no-one on this planet I will tell.
When I die that mousse dies with me.
Kitchen, Chef.
Yes! I do, who told you? Stilton! Well I don't know how franc one can be on an open telephone line I gather the cheese police are everywhere.
But I want some and I'm gonna use the "U" word now.
Unpasteurized Stilton.
No, I need it for lunch, today.
Any chance you could deliver? Don't worry, I'll be there.
Mr.
Hodgkin, Sweet Meadow Farm, Shiptoncom Studley.
You'll be expecting me, good, okay bye.
Shiptoncom Studley is miles away.
Seven or eight, I'll be back by about half past ten, the latest.
But what about the salmon mousse? Oh, you can do that, I'll show you how it's done.
That is Stilton.
Ahrr Haly bloody luha.
One major piece of cheese.
Cow and bug, in perfect harmony.
I'll take all four of them.
Haahhrrr.
.
Don't mind me asking but, that what you've got on, is that the latest fashion nowadays, is that? Oh my god, it's the cheese police.
Morning, sir.
Morning.
You'd be a cook than, would you sir? I can see you're detective material officer.
We don't need this sarcasm sir, I was merely passing a remark.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean I say, I should have to take very great care how I express myself in future? I'm sorry I'm just in a bit of a panic at the moment, to tell you the truth.
Indeed, sir.
And why might that be? Well, you see constable, I've got Albert Roux coming for.
.
Sergeant sir, Sergeant, I mean you can quite clearly see my badge and rang.
You're obviously not detective material.
Sergeant, sergeant, I'm extremely sorry I made a flippant remark, I do apologize.
I'm Chef de Cuisine at Le Chateau Anglais.
What that place over towards the residence? Yes, that's right.
You do much bussines over there, sir? We're full, always.
You have to have booked in a previous life.
People put their son's names down at birth.
Sometimes, during the conception.
Today for lunch we have a hundred people and Albert Roux.
Albert Roux, what, the Chef? Yes and I'm not nervous, I can cope.
Which explains no dought, why you are joyriding around the country side, twenty miles away in a classic sports car.
But it doesn't away.
.
What is the registration number of this vehicle, please sir? It's the wife's car, I think there is a "T" in it or a "Y" and, ehh.
.
What brings you out to mr Hodgkin's farm than? I came to buy some cheese.
Cheese? Yes, good ingredients are very important.
The most important element in good cooking, I'd say sir.
That's, that's right.
It is odd, than sir.
Why is that? Well, mr Hodgkin's farm isn't a diary farm at all sir.
Every inch of it is horrible.
Barley, patato, oil seed, rape.
Thirty acres of sunflowers seeds.
It is a wonderful sight in the summer.
Like a Van Gogh painting.
Twenty acres the south side.
Oh, and a greenhouse full of cannabis in the bottom field.
This is what brings me over here.
Oh, no We have reason to believe a gentleman from Le Chateau is a enthousiastic customer, for this lately class crop Everton, tonight you sleep with the fishes.
Of your mind, stepping out the car, please sir.
Nola! Yes, Chef.
Some cheese for today's lunch.
Thank you, Chef.
First things first, lunch.
Lamb.
Venison.
Starters.
Salmon mousse.
Puddings.
Hmm Everton? Chef? I am angry.
Yes, Chef.
My head is full of remarkably rude words, all jostling for release.
My brain receives an urgent message from my right foot.
Please insert me briskly and repeatedly in Everton's Stonehead's soft parts.
Why has my grey matter this trouble? Did you get the Stilton? The most intorable thing is, that on the day of the most important lunch of my life, thanks to you, I had to spend my time bribing policemen and doing deals with farmers, instead of working in my own kitchen.
and then when I return, I find that everything, Every last little thing is competely and utterly perfect.
Without me.
How do you think, that feels? Bribing policemen? I have had to hand out more free meals to the local police force, then a relief worker in Uzbekistan.
And all because mr Everton Stonehead, buys his dope at Sweat Manor Farm, Shipton Coms Dudley Chef, but Chef I told you, why do you think it's me? I don't even know where Sweat Manor Farm is.
Well, at New Shipton Coms Dudley.
First you ride by the post office, and then it's up that farm track, about a mile and a half.
Would you look at the color of that mayo! God, it's just perfect with the awely green, green of the capers.
It's so beautifull, look.
Oh, don't know what's the mattter with me today, must have got dropsy.
Piers! Piers.
Sorry Chef, but you know they'll wash out okay, accidents will happen.
Hmm.
hmm.
I hate to interrupt, but there are a few people in the dining room asking, if they could get lunch, here at all.
Ãa marche, one truffled eggs and a tagliatelli.
Yes, Chef.
One salade Niçoise.
Yes, Chef One salmon in champagne sauce.
Yes, Chef.
One plaice in Bernois.
Oui, Chef.
We have a pretty copper here, ladies and gentlemen, good luck.
Lunchwise we have lift off.
Hello police, I'd like to speak to Sergeant Attercliff, please.
Don't put the champagne in yet, let the foam subside first.
Sergeant, hello.
Yes, good news, I have the guy who has been buying mr.
Hodgkins dope.
Well I'm pretty certain it's him, I've got the evidence right here in front of me.
Yes, I can hold him here till you arrive, no problem.
Ten minutes, that's wonderfull, good.
Chef Garlic, chalottes, green peppercorns.
Yes, Chef.
Chef Piers, you are going down, I hate dopeheads.
Chef.
Forget it Piers, thanks to you I now have to apologize, to this kitchen mediocre.
Everton! Chef? I apologize.
I was percibited.
You're right mate.
Well I'm very sorry.
No problem, Stock.
I hate you, Piers.
I would like to see you offer on a plate.
Chef, please.
Chef, I only smoked a bit, it will never happen again, so help me.
It'd better not Piers, believe me it'd better not.
Because the next time you do that stuff, there really will be a policeman on the other end of that telephoneline.
What you mean you mean.
.
He's here, table 9.
Has he ordered? No.
Vegetables for a mullet.
Nearly done, Chef.
Nearly? Well, a moment or two.
Now I when they are needed, the fish is peeking there is no nearly, you must peek together.
Has your wife never mentioned this to you? They're almost there, Chef.
Bin!! What is the most important element of cooking? Ingredients.
Timing!! Ingredients was the most important element, this morning.
Timing.
I am so alone.
Thank you.
We have a taken for the salmon mousse.
Yes, Chef.
One celery au gratin.
Yes, Chef.
One cerril soup.
Yes, Chef.
One lambs stew.
And a calfs liver.
Yes, Chef.
And portent Piers, patent peasant with floor cleaner relish.
Yes, chef.
Ãa marche, table 9.
No-one says, "ça marche" in this kitchen but me.
I ám sorry, I simply couldn't resist.
What's the order.
Monsieur Roux sends his best wishes and wonders if Chef would be kind enough, to choose for him.
Aahhh.
Shit What's wrong with that? Well, now he knows, that whatever I give him is the best I can do, doesn't he? Ãa marche, one salmon mousse, one Venitian stew, one lemon tart.
Uhm.
.
What? I don't think the Venitian Stew, is the best thing you do.
Something wrong with it? No, it's gonna rehearse, it's just not the best main course you do, that's all.
Exactly.
Well, so nice to be here.
It was great.
Thank you, Chef.
Lemon tart, tingeant, you know, sharpness was absolutely right.
Aahh.
.
that salmon mousse, so light.
Superb.
Superb, ehmm.
.
My dear Gareth, I need something from you.
And, uhm, I feel a bit embarrassed to ask you, you know.
Please ask me anything.
Are you sure? Hm.
go ahead.
Anything.
I have to ask you Where you get your unpasteurized Stilton.