Chef! (1993) s02e01 Episode Script

A River Runs Through It

1 I'm the best, so do not test the top of my profession the master of my chosen field of that there is no question a serious serious profession serious serious profession.
™ª Come on.
You're going to have to clean that side.
All right, follow me.
With me, crispin.
Come on now, hurry up, hurry up.
That's very good, okay.
Thing of beauty.
Fish, that's very good.
Where's the rest of that garlic? - Here.
- Very good, Debra.
Wonderful, okay.
Hide that salad.
Thank you.
There we go.
Ça marche.
The fricassee, please, the coquille.
- Yes, Chef.
- Thank you.
Okay, get me a large knife, - Sharp like a razor this instance.
- Chef! I have to castrate the person who made this sauce And I want to avoid any unnecessary suffering.
It is imperative that the author of this atrocity Is not allowed to breed any more.
With dna like this in the gene pool, humanity would be doomed.
- Chef! - Everton, are you ever gonna reduce that stock Or shall we get table seven's address - And post their gravy on to them? - Yes, Chef.
I don't know what this murky sludge is.
Possibly, if it was struck by lightning, - Primitive-Life forms would emerge from it.
- Chef- The only incontrovertible fact about this unhappy fluid is It is unquestionably beyond all doubt not edible.
Could someone please do some cooking here? There are morons stacked up and circling round the pass - Like boeings on a bank holiday.
- Yes, Chef.
- Debra! - Chef! No need to worry about the health inspector coming into the kitchen - Because the shock would kill him on the spot.
- Chef! And the bacteria underneath everton's section - Would consume him within seconds.
- Yes, Chef! There are seriously deranged people Who dress up as doctors and pretend to perform Radical operations before being detected.
Until recently I hadn't realized - This phenomenon also occurred in kitchens.
- No, Chef- You are not a cook, you are disguised as a cook.
Because of your nut and caramel short crust I have to have Expensive dentistry performed on my upper jaw.
- What happened- - The other day I had a letter From the chairman of courtauld's asking how you managed - To make your omelets so durable.
- Yes, I know- Please depart this kitchen now.
Instante.
- At this moment in time.
- But Chef, I- Two weeks pay and your cards will be sent on.
They will reach you days before table seven gets its sauce, everton.
- Yes, Chef! - Go, tariq, go! You are sacked, fired, dismissed.
You are history, No longer present.
You are a was, a used to be, a have done.
Please repair to the place marked "done cooking.
" Shut the gate.
- But Chef, I- - Depart the kitchen now.
How do we get rid of this? If we pour it down the sink We'll end up starring in "world in action" for poisoning the environment.
Tariq was a total non-Cook And in my view his dismissal was long overdue.
That's right.
But as we've already sacked seven people Since I've been here, and as we are ludicrously overbooked And desperately behind with orders, Is abruptly further reducing our strength by one the best move you could have made? - Everton.
- Chef! Has table seven personally slighted you in some way? - Are you trying to get back at them for something? - No, Chef.
He could chop veg, sweep up, make stock, All of which would be very useful right now.
I wonder if you have fully grasped that what we actually need Is more people in this kitchen.
Thank you.
Crispin, is that bowlful under your arm ever going to become a bechamel Or is it some kind of recherch㉠fashion accessory you are currently affecting? Yes, Chef.
Scrub the poisson.
Table seven could not wait any longer.
Sorry, Chef.
I got me plate full sort of thing.
It's like I'm doing two people's jobs here.
Oh no! If you see what I mean.
No.
"Dear mr.
Blackstock, I saw keith floyd on television and now I want to be a cook.
" Keith floyd wants to be a cook, sunshine.
These are just commis, kids from cooking school.
I need real cooks as soon as possible.
- Alice is on the verge of speaking out.
- Really? Any day now everton is going to realize that he's doing the work of two people.
"I have worked with raymond blanc And also at alterlan, And with Gustave la roche at le provencal, carterton.
" What? - "I have worked-" - My god, Gustave la roche.
I'd forgotten all about him.
Jeez, that's a blast from the past.
Gustave le roche.
Good grief.
Um, is this story Going to develop in any way? Only the hero's name is well established now And I could go a decent chunk of narrative thrust, If it's all the same to you.
It was 20 years ago, before I went to france.
I ate at all the best restaurants- Research.
Yes.
The killer cook at the time was Gustave la roche.
His signature dish was a goose liver brioche.
It was miraculous, a wonder.
What happened to this geezer? Don't know.
I'd always assumed he'd gone back to france.
Le provencal, carterton.
Surely it's not down here.
Let's try a bit further down.
I only said that because I don't think- Oh.
Oh my goodness.
That was it.
Can't be.
- There must be two Gustave la roches.
- Or two le provencals.
There's only one in carterton.
It's not in any guide.
Quick, find me a call-Box.
We must telephone the michelin guide this instant.
Sarcasm is all very well.
We haven't actually eaten there yet, have we? I won't be long.
Um, I wanted a word with monsieur la roche.
There's no one here of that name, mate.
Who are you? Gareth Blackstock.
You see, the thing is- - Gareth Blackstock? - Yes.
- Chateau anglais? - That's right, yes.
- You're a cook, me old china.
- Yes, yes, that's right.
No, no, no, no, I mean, you are the real thing.
It's an honor to shake your hand.
I'm Gustave la roche.
Pleased to meet ya.
- You are? - My name is garry lambston, But you had to be a frog to be a cook when I first started, So I sort of joined up.
But I do speak the lingo like a native.
- Oh.
- A native of peckham, which I am.
Wait, you're the Gustave who did the foie gras brioche? What do you know about my brioche? Not a lot, I only had it once.
You've had my brioche? You're not old enough.
- You're too kind.
- Where? - L'auton.
- Oh, I'auton.
Yeah.
- So, who told you I was here then? - Um- - Ah, it was that commis.
- That's right, yes.
Don't touch him.
He couldn't cook a pot of noodle.
- Excuse me.
- Oh.
- So what you after then? - I want- - When I came in, why did you-? - Inland revenue.
Ah.
Well, I wondered If you'd be good enough to do your brioche one night.
You see, my wife's never tried it.
Well, you give me notice, matey, And I'll give you a meal.
He can cook, this geezer.
Yes.
- So what's the snag? - Snag? Anyone that cooks like raymond blanc doesn't spend his life Doing prawn cocktails and goujons of plaice At le provencal, carterton, does he? I mean, what's wrong? He doesn't do himself any favors In the personal freshness department.
Come on, no one's going to turn this down Because the Chef hasn't shaved in a day or two, are they? No, there must be some other reason.
I mean, didn't you ask? What, say what's a Chef like you doing in a dump like this? - Well yes.
- I did actually.
He changed the subject.
Do you think he'd work for you? I should hope so.
He's working in this craphole.
Fish.
I mean, we shouldn't just hire him.
There may be some problem we need to know about.
Yes, yes, I think you're right.
Do you think he could start next week? - I'll ask him.
- Good.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is mr.
Gustave la roche Who joins us today as sous-Chef.
Gustave, I'd like you to meet everton.
- All right.
- Everton.
- Donald.
- Donald.
- Crispin.
- Watcha.
- Alice.
- Hello, darling.
- And Debra.
- Pleased to meet ya.
- So, is this me here, Chef? - Yes, Chef.
Everton, would you care to assist? I'm glad it's you.
Shouldn't have females in the kitchen, strictly speaking.
God, I love fishing.
Well, obviously what I actually love Is holding a rod while standing in ice water up to my goolies.
That must be the appeal.
'Cause I never see a fish, never mind catch one.
Uh-Huh.
They're incredibly effective, you know.
Hmm? These patent fish-Repellent waders.
These are the super deluxe version.
Still, I've got you to talk to.
Hmmm.
Alphonse! Where is that sommelier? Alphonse! There's nothing in these.
Both are empty.
Where is that frog? - Chef.
- Yes? Remember the last time Chef went fishing, Chef wasn't very well? - Yes? - Watch him make the pheasant dal.
- Alphonse! - Oul, Chef.
Encore deux bouteille De burgundy, s'il vous plait.
But you've had these bottles already.
Oy, never mind what I have had or haven't had.
Fetch us up a couple of bottles tout suite.
- But monsieur, Chef says- - Chef, Chef? I'm Chef! Grand monsieur de Blackstock est away.
Je am Chef, and make it four bottles.
- Oh no- - Come on, sunshine.
Sur votre bicyclette, eh? Quatre bouteilles, maintenant.
- Not le jour apres next.
- Oul, Chef.
Vive la france.
He understands every word I'm saying.
What happened to the first two bottles? He tried them out to see if they were okay.
- And were they okay? - They must have been great.
And what happened last time? Three bottles of beaujolais, then he had to sleep them off.
- Why didn't you tell me? - I didn't know if it was a one-Off sort of thing.
- Plus I kinda like old gary.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I hate his guts.
What do fish look like exactly? Oh, I think I'm getting a cold.
God, I get colds so badly.
I've got a bite.
Wow, it's big.
God, it's strong.
He's huge! It's a jumbo pike or something.
You're fishing for trout.
I can't order them, it's not a fishmonger's.
Give me three brown trout, heads off and cleaned.
And can I have a bunch of parsley? This is hunter-Gathering.
What is this thing? Hang on, I'm- - It's okay.
- Yes.
- There's a kind of ledge.
- Yes.
- Like the continental shelf.
- Yes.
- It's not funny.
- I'm not laughing.
Only by a feat of heroic effort are you not laughing.
Gareth, why don't you come out of the water? I'm not sure I can.
Filled my waders.
I must weight several hundredweight.
Oh, shut up.
It's bad enough Having wellies up to your nipples as it is Without having shipped a kiloliter of river water.
Gareth, get out of the river, Get onto the bank and do a handstand.
- Don't laugh.
- Of course I won't laugh.
It's very bad form to laugh at another's misfortune.
I know.
- I've never liked you.
- I'm sorry.
I'm- I'm really, really sorry.
Of course that's the funniest thing out, isn't it? Nearly drowned, soaked to the skin, Facing days of misery.
Funniest thing since "fawlty towers.
" I think I'll phone the bbc.
They'll snap it up.
Come on, janice, knock it off, will you? You know how bad my colds are.
Look, the rod.
Oh, you've still got the fish.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, did I-? - Yes.
- Yes.
Yes.
Did you-? - Yes.
- Yes.
Yes.
I must have had a bit of a turn.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Yes.
It must have been something that I ate.
- No.
- No.
No.
I don't know what it was.
- Drink.
- Oh no, no.
- I hardly had a drop.
- Drink this.
Oh, right.
- What is it? - Water.
When you're drunk, you dehydrate.
This will lessen your future suffering considerably.
Oh.
Oh.
I was a bit thirsty now you come to mention.
- What do you mean, drunk? - Monsieur la roche- Gary, sweetheart.
Call me gary.
Gary, my name, incidentally, is alice.
- Alice.
- What you were is drunk.
In fact, it's pretty clear that what you are is a drunk.
And I'm not your sweetheart.
Come on, darling.
I mean, I ain't a drunk.
Blimey, I mean, I may be a lot of things- What you are, mr.
La roche, is a sexist pig, An angelic cook and a squalid drunk all rolled into one.
- God will have his little joke.
- Yeah, and you're it.
We'll only help you if we're able to proceed From clearly observed, well-Established facts.
- So let's cut the crap sort of thing.
- Quite.
This one time we say nothing to Chef.
That's very decent of you, darling.
- Alice.
- Alice.
Yes, it is.
But we'll only help you If you abstain from all forms of alcohol.
That won't be a problem, darling- Alice, sweetheart- Oh, I'm sure it will be a problem.
But it's yours, not mine.
- Come on, mate.
- Her legs go all the way up.
- I reckon I could force meself- - Oh please.
- What's her name again? - Come on.
Oh, I've caught another one.
Look at the size of that.
Mmm.
- Highly impressive.
- Blimey.
These are wonderful trout.
Goodness, you're a marvelous fisherman, Chef.
Well, you know, um- Pretty much beginner's luck, really.
- Chef.
- No.
- But- - Not a hope.
- But Chef will be here in a moment.
- Jolly good.
- Chef.
- Yes? - There's a bit of a problem, Chef.
- What? - It's Chef, Chef.
- Chef? - Yes, Chef.
- What's wrong with Chef? - Well, Chef- - Where is Chef? In the kitchen, Chef.
Could you ask him to wrap his head in bandages And pop on a pair of ray-Bans? He's clearly achieved invisibility and I'd like to be facing The right way when I'm talking to him.
Oh no.
Have you called a doctor? No, Chef, I don't think he'd want that.
You don't mean he's drunk?! He has had a drink, but I wouldn't go as far as to say he was drunk, Chef.
Please, everton, go so far.
This is drunk.
You can not get drunker than this.
Drunker than this is dead.
- How do you know he's all right? - Huh? This has happened before.
The other occasions while I was away? But you didn't want to trouble me with the details.
- Well, Chef- - No, no, I can see that.
This kitchen is my entire life.
Le chateau is the most important thing In the universe, as far as I am concerned.
So obviously, if it transpires that I have left it In the sole charge of a hopeless catatonic drunk, I wouldn't expect any of my trusty staff - To tell me or anything.
- Chef, I- Clearly I wouldn't want to be bothered with trivial details like that.
- Any other little thing happen while I was away? - Huh? Table full of customers drop dead from food poisoning - In a frenzy of projectile vomiting? - Chef- Did a psychotic waiter bludgeon to death a block booking Of high rollers in a berserk attack - Of left-Wing fundamentalism? - Chef- I take such an interest in the day-To-Day trivia of restaurant life.
- Well, I- - Shut up, everton.
Let me think.
- Yes, Chef.
- Can't get a word in edgewise.
This is serious.
- Yes, Chef.
Yes, Chef.
- It raises issues.
- Bless you, Chef.
- Got a bloody awful cold.
What do you think of these? They're amazing, Chef.
I've had a few things in my mouth in my time, But of the ones you swallow, this is certainly the best.
I'm with you.
I'm with you.
- Here's a little dilemma, if you like.
- Yes, Chef.
There's no possibility of having a drunk in my kitchen.
- No, Chef.
- And there's no possibility of my giving up his dishes.
- There's also the human dimension sort of thing.
- What? I reckon we should keep him on, Help him make it back to normality.
We should do it out of compassion and fellow feeling.
Get him back to being a useful member of society Living a full and happy life sort of thing.
How about we stick it just long enough - To nick all his recipes? - Well, we- Fellow feeling! I didn't get two michelin stars - By indulging in fellow feeling.
- No, Chef.
- I don't do fellow feeling, I do cooking.
- Yes, Chef.
From today, you are Gustave's minder.
The kitchen runs perfectly and we have all of his dishes.
Or you'll find yourself applying for the job Of washer up with clare rayner.
Fellow feeling.
Good grief.
Let me tell you about the qualities I want in a Chef.
Yeah, I'd like to know that, yeah.
Verticality is one.
I go for the vertical Chef every time.
Consciousness is another faculty high on my list.
I catch your drift, yeah.
You've the best Chef I've worked with.
I will go to any length to secure your services.
Ta.
But if I discover you drunk in my kitchen once more, You're out.
No appeal, no reprieve.
Oh yeah.
Quite right, yeah.
I don't care if the archangel gabriel himself Has booked a table so that his boss can try one of your brioche.
Yeah, yeah, nice one.
Brioche, yeah.
- I'll be out.
- You will.
How did you manage at le provencal? - You didn't cook with wine.
- They kept me off it, yeah.
I do know that I've got a bit of a drink problem.
You haven't got a bit of a drink problem.
You're a drunk.
I hate all these problems people have nowadays.
Yeah, I mean, too right, whew.
And while we're about it, do you think You could occasionally contrive to appear in my kitchen As though you've not just come first In a r.
C.
Nesbitt look-Alike competition.
Nice one, nesbitt, yeah.
Sorry.
- Chef? - Uh-Huh.
It's Chef, Chef.
Chef said, if Chef did it again, I had to tell him, Chef.
And Chef will be here later on, Chef.
Good.
He'll be removed from the kitchen.
- But his brioche? - I can make his brioche now.
- We all can.
- But look, there's other things.
His galette, his tortellini, His kidneys en croute, I mean he's got hundreds.
- Well- - If Chef finds him like that he'll sack him.
We'll all lose the recipes.
Chef will be pissed off really, inside.
Gary will become someone who'll ask you for 20p in the street.
And all because we didn't give it a go.
- Donald.
- What? We've got to help Gustave.
- Why? - Because he's about to be sacked.
- But I don't like him.
- Neither do I, donald.
But everton's right.
And there's no time to lose.
Chef will be here in three hours.
Debra, you've got three hours To get him sober and working normally.
- Piece of piss, really.
- How exactly do you make someone sober? Black coffee's no good.
It's a fallacy, all that.
Two things, exercise and water.
And all bodily functions, including If not especially vomiting, to be encouraged.
- Nice.
- How come I get all the plum jobs? Don't bother with coffee.
There's no scientific foundation for that.
Walk him round the grounds, make him drink, walk him round again.
- I vote we let Chef sack him.
- And there goes all the recipes.
I mean, you may not like him, but I- I don't like him.
The brioche was okay, it's okay.
- But all this other stuff.
- That's his galettes.
Come on, Debra, we can do it.
Ruined.
Get me another one.
Come on, what's happening? Let's go.
Watch it! Watch it! Sorry.
Would someone, um - where's Chef? - Chef! - Chef, um- - Where's Chef? Well, perhaps- Perhaps he's in the prep room prepping, Chef.
Everton, I'm not, as you clearly suppose, A feeble-Minded, lame-Brained halfwit Hopelessly in the grip of premature senility.
- No, Chef.
- Chef is obviously somewhere Other than this kitchen insensible with drink Being tended by Debra.
Excuse me, donald.
It does not need the talents of hercules poirot to tell me this.
- Chef, I can explain- - Everywhere I look I see evidence of people hopelessly inadequate - To the task before them.
- What happened, Chef- I watch bloody meat being placed on the top shelf of the fridge So it's salmonella-Rich juice could drip onto the cooked food below.
I watched as clean cloths were used to wipe the floor - Then plates.
- Actually, Chef- Give me that! It's probably the only safe comestible in the place.
You're not wearing your hat.
The place is so grotesquely filthy The only reason we haven't got cockroaches is they couldn't stand the squalor.
I would, and I speak with unrivalled honesty, Rather work at the local rubbish dump With plumbed-In raw sewage than in this shitheap.
- What are you all pointing at? - Me, I'd rather think, mr.
Blackstock.
You may remember, I'm your health and safety officer.
Give that a quick wipe down with a dirty cloth.
It'll be okay.
My name is Gustave la roche And I'm an alcoholic.
- Very good, Gustave.
- Thank you, madam.
I believe you have a friend here who's prepared to help you.
Well, I mean there's more than one actually.
Why don't you start By telling us a little bit about yourself? Well, I was, uh we can't keep this up, this is ridiculous.
We're going to get a fine from that health inspector as it is Because of Gustave.
No dishes, however good, Are worth this.
There comes a point- Cone on, janice, we have to.
This isn't just dishes, dear me.
There's a human dimension here.
- What? - The poor chap's got a drink problem.
Have a bit of fellow feeling.
serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession.
™ª Sync and Correction by Diplomatic