Chef! (1993) s02e02 Episode Script
Time Flies
1 I'm the best, so do not test the top of my profession the master of my chosen field of that there is no question serious serious profession serious serious profession.
- You okay? - Mmm.
- Bit of a headache.
- Really? - Usually only get those- - Yes.
My god, that month went quick.
Don't talk.
I can't believe it, time goes so fast.
- Yes.
- Do you want a panadol or something? No, no, no, no, no, I'm okay.
I'm a bit late, actually.
Really? How- How late exactly? - Day or so.
- Oh.
Getting on for a week.
A week? Getting on.
I mean, a week, Janice? Yes, I could be, I suppose.
How? As I understood it we take steps To thwart the ambitions of the relevant spermatozoa.
Nothing's 100% though, is it? - Um- - Well, abstinence is.
Which I know is your preferred option.
But I think I broke down your formidable resistance Once or twice in the relevant period.
- If memory serves.
- Janice! I think I am pregnant actually.
What? It's not surprising, is it? All that fishing you do.
I think I missed the biology lesson Where they explained how fishing leads to babies.
All that standing about waist deep in icy water.
Keeps your goolies cold.
They work better when they're cold, do they? They do.
They're hugely more productive.
That's why they're on the outside of your body as it is.
This has been quite a night.
I shall remember it As the night I found out I was about to become a father or the night I discovered why it is that I've got al fresco knackers.
Either way, it's been quite an occasion.
We are married, Gareth.
We are allowed to have babies, you know.
If this is a possibility, we have to discuss it sensibly.
I work a 15-Hour day, so do you.
We have a large and complex business to run.
- That's another thing.
- What? The restaurant is doing so well.
Bookings are terrific, We're on a real roll and yet we're slowly - Sliding deeper and deeper into debt.
- What? - I've worked out this plan- - Janice! - What? - What is this? 10 minutes ago I was fast asleep, A careless fellow happily raveling up The knitted sleeve of care.
You nip out to empty your bladder and all hell breaks loose.
All of a sudden we're up to our oxters in the pitter-Patter Of little feet and major financial restructuring.
You said you wanted to discuss it.
I wanted to discuss the question of parenthood.
What's the point? We don't know about that, won't for days.
I do know about the restaurant finances.
I do not want a general discussion On a multiplicity of topics just now, thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You seemed very chatty.
Okay, good night.
Very interested to know you don't want a child.
- I never said that.
- No, that's right, you didn't.
I wonder where I got that idea.
It's just the timing I'm worried about.
So am I.
I'm working on a biological clock here.
So what happens if I am? - Well- - Always some reason why it's not now.
Not now because we're moving to this restaurant.
Not now because we're buying this restaurant.
Not now because you haven't got your oeufs chateau anglais quite right.
That's a signature dish.
What could be more important? There's always something more important.
Well maybe it's been decided for us.
Not necessarily.
Excuse me, necessarily.
- Well- - All right, let us assume that you are pregnant.
Knocked up, up the spout, bun in the oven.
Well, we could Do something.
Do something means have an abortion Because it's convenient.
Would you actually do that? - Well- - No, you wouldn't.
You can't even say it.
You're the least euphemistic person I know And suddenly we're talking about doing something.
Give me a break.
I would be most unlikely to have an abortion For any reason at all, least of all personal convenience.
Thank you.
So what's the likeliest outcome if you are pregnant? In view of your angling obsession, triplets.
It's okay, I'm not up the spout.
I've been this late before.
- Have you? - Oh yes.
Oh.
Oh good.
Good night then.
Good night.
My name is gustave la roche And I'm an alcoholic.
One day at a time.
Ah, Chef's oeufs chateau anglais.
Or oeufs chateau crap, If you want my opinion.
I don't like the idea of outside investors.
We really don't have any option.
Besides, it would take the pressure off us.
We could plan our life sensibly, start a family.
- I thought we had.
- If we haven't.
- You're all right, aren't you? - I'm fine.
I'm sorry, you know, about last night, when you said- When I said I might be pregnant and you looked As though the restaurant had just burned down.
Something like that.
- What if it's a false alarm? - What? You breathe a sigh of relief, give up fishing And start wearing thermal underpants.
No, no.
I always thought you wanted a family.
- Of course I do.
- Good.
It just would be nice to know which particular batch Of years is going to be characterized by sleepless nights And a close acquaintance with waste products, that's all.
- Well- - What? To tell you the truth, I rather think I am.
I sort of feel like I am, you know? Curiously enough, I don't know, no.
And we don't have to do feelings, do we? We go down to the chemist, you perform in a bottle And within seconds we know.
Mothercare account, pampers wholesaler, "Nanny knows best" video.
Or a couple more years Of being free and seeing people.
- Seeing people? - Well- - This is very exciting.
- Look, Janice- You mean we're actually going to start seeing people? What, friends? - You know exactly what- - When did we last see anyone? Let's talk about bringing in outside investors.
A topic which is suddenly becoming curiously attractive.
That's what we're talking about.
If we don't do that We can't afford a family, simple as that.
There's nannies, clothing, prams, buggies, Child seats, cots, sterilizers- It can't be that much.
Other people do it.
Yes, but they don't know how they do it.
And then there's someone to do my job.
I'm so sorry, obviously you're planning on me Dropping a child one afternoon and then waiting tables Later that evening with it stuck to my boobs.
- Oh no.
- Asking people what they want for dinner.
- And no, they can't have what he's having.
- Janice! Then there's school fees.
- School fees? - Yes.
- Private schools? - Well- No child of mine is going to be sent To some snotty, snobby, poncey lord snooty private school To be given a weird outlook on life.
This child of yours, This is going to be the male version of the virgin birth, is it? - I expressed myself badly.
- Hmm.
In my capacity as 50% shareholder In this biological enterprise, All of my voting shares will be deployed against The private school's option.
- You see, I- - It is socially divisive.
It is immoral, it is inequitable.
I feel strongly about this.
- Well- - I don't wish to be unreasonable in any way.
- Good.
- I look forward to full and frank discussions About all matters concerning our putative children at a later date.
But I feel it is only fair that I make it entirely clear now That child goes to a fee-Paying school over my dead body.
Hello, redgates first? Yes, I'm ringing up to make enquiries about fees.
Thank you so much.
Merci, alphonse.
Good morning, mrs.
Birkin, um, I just wanted to make general enquiries about fees.
Uh-Huh, okay, that covers the first year.
Now, does that include- That's per term? Per term? Oh no, no.
I realize that, it's just- Um, how many terms are there exactly? Oh, there always were three.
It's just there's been so many changes, I, um- Right, so that's three times games are extra? How much? What sort of games do you play? Formula-One motor racing? Transalpine paragliding? Do you play battleships with the real thing? This is an extraordinary amount of money.
This is primary school, janet and john, Take away sums, squeezy bottle space-Ships.
It's not a brain surgery degree, for goodness sakes.
Well, I had no idea, that's why I'm phoning.
How much do the uniforms cost? I think I've seen those uniforms.
Versace, aren't they? Cashmere, spun from the coats of endangered species.
I suppose you'd better send me a menu- Um, brochure.
Prospectus, I meant to say prospectus.
Gareth Blackstock, le chateau anglais.
That's right.
Really? Did you enjoy your meal? Well, it can't possibly be done for less.
The ingredients, the man-Hours, the skill.
There's no need for sarcasm, madame.
You could not in fact Feed the british army of the rhine for a whole week On what you paid for one meal.
We operate on very tight margins.
We work extremely hard.
Quality does not come cheap.
Thank you, I shall look forward to receiving it.
Bloody cheek.
- Donald.
- Chef? - You've got kids, haven't you? - A wee boy, aye.
How do you manage? - I've no idea.
- He's at school now? I hope so.
The wife gets him off to school.
- State- State- - State school? - State school? - Oh aye.
We can't afford- And it's good, isn't it? Very good, I expect.
I mean, state schools are perfectly okay.
- Aren't they? - I think it's crap.
- Really? - It's this catchment area.
It's the best we can do.
It's very worrying.
- How about a squid? - I like the squid.
No, the texture is crap with the squid, it ruins it.
- Ever thought of shredding it? - Nice one, yeah, that would really set The world of gastronomy alight.
I mean, egg and crab stick.
Have you ever thought of pineapple chunks And cheddar cheese on a stick as a signature dish? Why ain't this on the menu then? I don't think I got it quite right yet.
You ain't got it right, mate, too right.
In fact, what it is, it's wrong.
Anyway, what do you know? You're an alcoholic.
I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Quite a lot, actually.
- Now, Gareth- - Don't worry, I won't.
Yes, that's what you said the last time When you were unforgivably rude.
That was different.
Anyway, we've fed him a trillion meals to make up.
I've never known anyone eat like this geezer.
Now look, he's the only bank manger we've got And we need some expert advice.
I mean, this is our future.
I know, I know.
- May not be just us.
- No.
No, quite.
So look, I'll be okay.
All right? I'll make shirley temple look like a lager lout.
Trust me.
- Ready? - Ready.
I do need to ask you some questions About your personal situation.
- Yes, yes.
- Things to do with your own income.
- Yes, yes.
- And your outgoings.
Fine, yes.
Have you got any children? - Yes.
- No.
- Um- - You have children from a previous- No, no.
I haven't got- We haven't got any, uh, And we haven't had a previous, you know, either of us.
Not a child-Producing previous, you know.
I mean, we've both had the odd, uh- Since we've been married, we hadn't ever- We haven't got any children, no.
- I'm sorry, I thought you said you had.
- No, no.
I did.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to contradict you.
I just got a bit confused, that's all.
See, when you said, did we have any children, just for a moment- You weren't sure? - It does sound silly, put like that.
- Yes.
No, no, I mean, it is possible.
We are married.
And I was sort of thinking of the future.
And with financial planning it is important To think of the future.
That's the important thing.
- Gareth- - Shut up? - That's right.
- I'll shut up.
No children at present.
- That's right.
- Well, We have established that.
- Alphonse? - Oui, Chef? Any morons about? Uh, waiters, serving staff at all? I don't think so, Chef, not for half an hour or so.
Mmm.
Have you had Breakfast at all? Actually, I only had a cup, half a cup.
Bit busy today.
Hmm.
Alphonse, um- - He's french, alphonse.
- Really? ÃÂa marche.
Un boudin noir, un filet de porc fumee, Deux oeufs sur la plate, deux pains grilles Avec tomatoes et champignons et deux saucisses, trois fois.
What's all this? - ÃÂa marche- - ÃÂa marche at the crack bleeding dawn? You out to lunch or something? I'm prepping, me.
What's all this? Bacon, eggs, black pudding, Tomatoes, sausages, mushrooms, Two toast, three times.
Certainly, no problem, full o' tricks, me.
This place turned into a greasy spoon or something? Stuff me, I ain't drying out To be cooking lorry driver's fry-Ups.
Donald! - Chef! - Mise en place for three english bloody breakfasts.
Are you sure they don't want pops de cocoa avec lait as well? Gordon bennett, look at me.
I'm the greatest Chef in the land, I'm in the middle of prepping And it's oy, drop everything and do British fry-Up heart attacks all round.
Oh, and donald! - Chef! - Give me a couple of mugs, will you, for the tea? And also send out for a copy of "the sun," "The sporting life" and an ashtray full of rollups.
God knows, we want everything to be just so.
Gordon bleeding bennett.
Ooh.
Simply delicious.
You know what they say.
If you want to eat well in england, Eat breakfast three times a day.
- Yes, quite.
- Anyway, Your little problem.
I seem to remember Warning you about this at the time.
No, you didn't.
I'm sorry, Janice.
Enough is enough.
Breakfast three times a day.
The man is a barbarian.
- Please, Gareth, don't - All I meant to say- French Chefs come to eat here.
Egon ronay comes here On his days off.
People come from all known areas of the world And brave many hours of long-Haul airline food to eat here.
It is possible to eat extremely well here at any time.
Not just breakfast.
- I really do apologize.
- And you didn't warn us of anything major.
You were far too busy drooling over the interest rates And the commission fees and the setup charges And the 900 other assorted fees that banks Are so uncommonly good in dreaming up to warn us of anything.
I know banks are criticized- Shirley temple you said.
Don't know if you remember at all.
Out here in the real world, sunshine, we make our money honestly.
And by and large we don't charge our customers 397 times over And expect them to fall at our feet weeping with gratitude.
This is how we can distinguish banks from real life.
- Gareth- - We bill our customers once And then we have to go out And pay for all the expenses of life With this real money we have honestly earned.
We don't have oodles of surplus cash To sponsor award ceremonies for weeping luvvies Or to pay off discredited ex-Chancellors With bundleloads of cash for sod all.
Or to load up students with naff plastic holders That nobody wants.
We have expenses! - Gareth! - And huge and dreadful are these expenses.
Nannies cost a fortune, it seems.
And the school fees are little short of criminal.
And if you want games included- - You haven't got any children.
- School fees? - Well- - I thought only fascist thugs paid school fees.
There may be certain circumstances where it might be unavoidable.
Like over your dead body, for instance? If we discover we're in a catchment area with a duff state school, Are we to let our child suffer for our political correctness? - Gareth, you said- - Let all the other parlor liberals Go into huddles in the corner with their estate agents And then secretly move to be near good state schools.
Because of le chateau we are locationally challenged.
The schools in this area are absolutely first rate.
- Are they? - Among the best in the country.
- I rest my case.
- What case? Mind you, nursery education, primary schools- - Really? - Redgates first is awfully good.
Come on, redgates first costs an absolute fortune.
- How do you know that? - I, uh- So I gather.
How did you happen to gather that since yesterday? I happened to phone them up and I happened to ask them And I happened to gather quite a lot.
All right, I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
That's all right.
Very occasionally I know I'm not as flexible as I should be.
- Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, I don't know.
- If we do have to pay school fees- - Yes? Then I'm afraid you're going to have to meet me halfway And let us bring in outside investors.
And thank you for all your help.
You've been wonderful.
Uh, breakfast was â£15.
70.
How would you like to pay? TouchãÂ.
- Okay, I think I've worked it out.
- Yes? If we cut back on everything, and I mean everything, Pay ourselves 12% more than we do now, By the time junior shows up for his first day at montessori school, 1,500 a term, 2 grand by then, I expect, No uniforms, games included, an absolute snip And they have cookery classes, we'll be bankrupt.
- That's it, is it? - It is.
So we do have to find some money from somewhere.
And what if this is a false alarm? Well, We can remedy that.
- I think that- - No, no, we really could.
If we had a really good weekend's fishing.
You know? Doesn't have to be right now.
I mean, I've been thinking this is just my hormones having a go.
You've got to be on guard against that sort of thing.
It's just hormones.
Human life is just hormones.
That's all it is.
Testosterone and estrogen.
That's the whole thing.
You're such a hopeless romantic, aren't you? What I mean is, we could wait a bit.
No we couldn't.
I'm middle-Aged.
- What? - I read it somewhere.
It explained it all.
Middle age, youth, elderly, all the ages.
35 is middle-Aged.
- 36.
- There's no need to say it out loud like that.
- I want to be a young dad.
- Well, you can't be.
You're such a comfort to me when I'm vulnerable and depressed.
That's why I married you.
I just don't want to be a geriatric dad.
- How old is that? - I don't know.
38, I expect.
So we have to start a family Because of your biological clock.
It's valid.
I'll have to climb trees and get kites down, Play football with him, run in the father's race.
He's not gonna want some wrinkly old git With a zimmer frame, is he? Don't be sexist.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- They're yuppies.
- They're not yuppies, They'll be go-Ahead.
I don't want go-Ahead investors, I just wanted an aged bobo who wanted a return on his cash.
These guys'll have ideas.
God save us.
They don't want to interfere.
They just want to back us.
- To back you.
- Hmm.
I mean, They have made some suggestions.
- Have they? - But that's all they are, Suggestions.
You're in charge.
What sort of suggestions? Well, for instance, They wondered about a prix fixe.
A prix fixe? - Yes.
- Anything else? - Well- - Perhaps they'd like us To elbow the canapes and hand around a bowl of twiglets instead.
- Gareth.
- Maybe we can install microwaves, Get on the blower to iceland, Buy some catering packs of cook-In-Sauce, Change our name to meals-R-Us.
Could save us a lot of trouble.
- For god's sake.
- Then again, perhaps they'd like us - To have piped music with a speaker in each corner.
- They would actually.
- Of course they would, they're neanderthals.
- Shh.
Their knuckles rub along the ground when they walk And they'd eat earthworms as long as they were in a prawn cocktail sauce.
- Look- - We're rubbing shoulders with the dregs of humanity.
We are talking about a set-Price menu Not the end of civilized society.
What is the difference? There'll be dralon in the dining room And tennis players scratching their bottoms over the mantelpiece.
You have told them I'm a cook, haven't you? - Or do they think I'm the dinner lady? - Will you- Will you stop overreacting? I am not overreacting.
I am stopping the rot here and now, Before we find ourselves boiling in the bag, microwaving Or selling chateau burgers from the side of a caravan in a lay-By.
Oh! This is just an idea.
- Don't think we're pushing in any way.
- No, please.
But we think for the standing of the restaurant And the profile of the company, Boil in the bag is a good idea.
Actually, there is something I should have made- - This is only a mockup.
- Yes, I can see that.
But this is a sort of thing we have in mind.
It's not simply just a good business idea, It's excellent for your personal promotion.
Which is good for all of us.
And of course, it would only be sold Through very upmarket outlets.
The most exclusive.
It would be ruinously expensive, The markup would be a disgrace.
We'd make a packet.
And all the time it's giving you Free personal promotion and advertising le chateau.
Yes, you see, Gareth is rootedly opposed To boil in the bag.
I'm sorry to be negative about this- No, Janice.
We don't need to be so hard and fast about everything.
There's boil in the bag and boil in the bag.
We mustn't overreact.
See, this could be very lucrative, Which is an important consideration for the future.
Of course.
I must take a leaf out of your book And try and be a bit more flexible.
Excuse me.
And this would be for stews, blanquettes, bourguignons? - That's right.
- Would you like to see my kitchen? Um, I'm terribly sorry.
I was half asleep.
I didn't sleep a wink last night.
New baby.
- That's nice.
- Is it? - How are you coping? - Who's coping? It's hell.
They say it's only the first 18 years you've got to worry about.
The kitchens were refurbished in 1992.
- Gareth.
- What? - That was the doctor.
- And? It was a false alarm.
- What's this then? - Bouef chateau anglais.
Yes, Gareth Blackstock here.
I'd like to book a double room For my wife and I for this weekend.
Yes, we're going fishing.
What? The honeymoon suite will be absolutely perfect.
Thank you.
There you are, you see? Elbow the squid like I said.
That's not so bad actually.
No, fair dues, That's quite acceptable.
You going fishing this weekend? - Yep.
- Cor, rather you than me, mate.
Fishing? Blimey, regular brass monkey weather's forecast.
- Freeze your what's-Their-Names off.
- So I gather.
That's bloody breakfast.
Gordon bennett.
I mean that's eggs, ham, black pudding, toast and tomatoes.
I mean, that's very clever.
That should be very popular.
Yes, I gather some people would eat it three times a day.
serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession.
Sync and Corrections by Diplomatic
- You okay? - Mmm.
- Bit of a headache.
- Really? - Usually only get those- - Yes.
My god, that month went quick.
Don't talk.
I can't believe it, time goes so fast.
- Yes.
- Do you want a panadol or something? No, no, no, no, no, I'm okay.
I'm a bit late, actually.
Really? How- How late exactly? - Day or so.
- Oh.
Getting on for a week.
A week? Getting on.
I mean, a week, Janice? Yes, I could be, I suppose.
How? As I understood it we take steps To thwart the ambitions of the relevant spermatozoa.
Nothing's 100% though, is it? - Um- - Well, abstinence is.
Which I know is your preferred option.
But I think I broke down your formidable resistance Once or twice in the relevant period.
- If memory serves.
- Janice! I think I am pregnant actually.
What? It's not surprising, is it? All that fishing you do.
I think I missed the biology lesson Where they explained how fishing leads to babies.
All that standing about waist deep in icy water.
Keeps your goolies cold.
They work better when they're cold, do they? They do.
They're hugely more productive.
That's why they're on the outside of your body as it is.
This has been quite a night.
I shall remember it As the night I found out I was about to become a father or the night I discovered why it is that I've got al fresco knackers.
Either way, it's been quite an occasion.
We are married, Gareth.
We are allowed to have babies, you know.
If this is a possibility, we have to discuss it sensibly.
I work a 15-Hour day, so do you.
We have a large and complex business to run.
- That's another thing.
- What? The restaurant is doing so well.
Bookings are terrific, We're on a real roll and yet we're slowly - Sliding deeper and deeper into debt.
- What? - I've worked out this plan- - Janice! - What? - What is this? 10 minutes ago I was fast asleep, A careless fellow happily raveling up The knitted sleeve of care.
You nip out to empty your bladder and all hell breaks loose.
All of a sudden we're up to our oxters in the pitter-Patter Of little feet and major financial restructuring.
You said you wanted to discuss it.
I wanted to discuss the question of parenthood.
What's the point? We don't know about that, won't for days.
I do know about the restaurant finances.
I do not want a general discussion On a multiplicity of topics just now, thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You seemed very chatty.
Okay, good night.
Very interested to know you don't want a child.
- I never said that.
- No, that's right, you didn't.
I wonder where I got that idea.
It's just the timing I'm worried about.
So am I.
I'm working on a biological clock here.
So what happens if I am? - Well- - Always some reason why it's not now.
Not now because we're moving to this restaurant.
Not now because we're buying this restaurant.
Not now because you haven't got your oeufs chateau anglais quite right.
That's a signature dish.
What could be more important? There's always something more important.
Well maybe it's been decided for us.
Not necessarily.
Excuse me, necessarily.
- Well- - All right, let us assume that you are pregnant.
Knocked up, up the spout, bun in the oven.
Well, we could Do something.
Do something means have an abortion Because it's convenient.
Would you actually do that? - Well- - No, you wouldn't.
You can't even say it.
You're the least euphemistic person I know And suddenly we're talking about doing something.
Give me a break.
I would be most unlikely to have an abortion For any reason at all, least of all personal convenience.
Thank you.
So what's the likeliest outcome if you are pregnant? In view of your angling obsession, triplets.
It's okay, I'm not up the spout.
I've been this late before.
- Have you? - Oh yes.
Oh.
Oh good.
Good night then.
Good night.
My name is gustave la roche And I'm an alcoholic.
One day at a time.
Ah, Chef's oeufs chateau anglais.
Or oeufs chateau crap, If you want my opinion.
I don't like the idea of outside investors.
We really don't have any option.
Besides, it would take the pressure off us.
We could plan our life sensibly, start a family.
- I thought we had.
- If we haven't.
- You're all right, aren't you? - I'm fine.
I'm sorry, you know, about last night, when you said- When I said I might be pregnant and you looked As though the restaurant had just burned down.
Something like that.
- What if it's a false alarm? - What? You breathe a sigh of relief, give up fishing And start wearing thermal underpants.
No, no.
I always thought you wanted a family.
- Of course I do.
- Good.
It just would be nice to know which particular batch Of years is going to be characterized by sleepless nights And a close acquaintance with waste products, that's all.
- Well- - What? To tell you the truth, I rather think I am.
I sort of feel like I am, you know? Curiously enough, I don't know, no.
And we don't have to do feelings, do we? We go down to the chemist, you perform in a bottle And within seconds we know.
Mothercare account, pampers wholesaler, "Nanny knows best" video.
Or a couple more years Of being free and seeing people.
- Seeing people? - Well- - This is very exciting.
- Look, Janice- You mean we're actually going to start seeing people? What, friends? - You know exactly what- - When did we last see anyone? Let's talk about bringing in outside investors.
A topic which is suddenly becoming curiously attractive.
That's what we're talking about.
If we don't do that We can't afford a family, simple as that.
There's nannies, clothing, prams, buggies, Child seats, cots, sterilizers- It can't be that much.
Other people do it.
Yes, but they don't know how they do it.
And then there's someone to do my job.
I'm so sorry, obviously you're planning on me Dropping a child one afternoon and then waiting tables Later that evening with it stuck to my boobs.
- Oh no.
- Asking people what they want for dinner.
- And no, they can't have what he's having.
- Janice! Then there's school fees.
- School fees? - Yes.
- Private schools? - Well- No child of mine is going to be sent To some snotty, snobby, poncey lord snooty private school To be given a weird outlook on life.
This child of yours, This is going to be the male version of the virgin birth, is it? - I expressed myself badly.
- Hmm.
In my capacity as 50% shareholder In this biological enterprise, All of my voting shares will be deployed against The private school's option.
- You see, I- - It is socially divisive.
It is immoral, it is inequitable.
I feel strongly about this.
- Well- - I don't wish to be unreasonable in any way.
- Good.
- I look forward to full and frank discussions About all matters concerning our putative children at a later date.
But I feel it is only fair that I make it entirely clear now That child goes to a fee-Paying school over my dead body.
Hello, redgates first? Yes, I'm ringing up to make enquiries about fees.
Thank you so much.
Merci, alphonse.
Good morning, mrs.
Birkin, um, I just wanted to make general enquiries about fees.
Uh-Huh, okay, that covers the first year.
Now, does that include- That's per term? Per term? Oh no, no.
I realize that, it's just- Um, how many terms are there exactly? Oh, there always were three.
It's just there's been so many changes, I, um- Right, so that's three times games are extra? How much? What sort of games do you play? Formula-One motor racing? Transalpine paragliding? Do you play battleships with the real thing? This is an extraordinary amount of money.
This is primary school, janet and john, Take away sums, squeezy bottle space-Ships.
It's not a brain surgery degree, for goodness sakes.
Well, I had no idea, that's why I'm phoning.
How much do the uniforms cost? I think I've seen those uniforms.
Versace, aren't they? Cashmere, spun from the coats of endangered species.
I suppose you'd better send me a menu- Um, brochure.
Prospectus, I meant to say prospectus.
Gareth Blackstock, le chateau anglais.
That's right.
Really? Did you enjoy your meal? Well, it can't possibly be done for less.
The ingredients, the man-Hours, the skill.
There's no need for sarcasm, madame.
You could not in fact Feed the british army of the rhine for a whole week On what you paid for one meal.
We operate on very tight margins.
We work extremely hard.
Quality does not come cheap.
Thank you, I shall look forward to receiving it.
Bloody cheek.
- Donald.
- Chef? - You've got kids, haven't you? - A wee boy, aye.
How do you manage? - I've no idea.
- He's at school now? I hope so.
The wife gets him off to school.
- State- State- - State school? - State school? - Oh aye.
We can't afford- And it's good, isn't it? Very good, I expect.
I mean, state schools are perfectly okay.
- Aren't they? - I think it's crap.
- Really? - It's this catchment area.
It's the best we can do.
It's very worrying.
- How about a squid? - I like the squid.
No, the texture is crap with the squid, it ruins it.
- Ever thought of shredding it? - Nice one, yeah, that would really set The world of gastronomy alight.
I mean, egg and crab stick.
Have you ever thought of pineapple chunks And cheddar cheese on a stick as a signature dish? Why ain't this on the menu then? I don't think I got it quite right yet.
You ain't got it right, mate, too right.
In fact, what it is, it's wrong.
Anyway, what do you know? You're an alcoholic.
I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Quite a lot, actually.
- Now, Gareth- - Don't worry, I won't.
Yes, that's what you said the last time When you were unforgivably rude.
That was different.
Anyway, we've fed him a trillion meals to make up.
I've never known anyone eat like this geezer.
Now look, he's the only bank manger we've got And we need some expert advice.
I mean, this is our future.
I know, I know.
- May not be just us.
- No.
No, quite.
So look, I'll be okay.
All right? I'll make shirley temple look like a lager lout.
Trust me.
- Ready? - Ready.
I do need to ask you some questions About your personal situation.
- Yes, yes.
- Things to do with your own income.
- Yes, yes.
- And your outgoings.
Fine, yes.
Have you got any children? - Yes.
- No.
- Um- - You have children from a previous- No, no.
I haven't got- We haven't got any, uh, And we haven't had a previous, you know, either of us.
Not a child-Producing previous, you know.
I mean, we've both had the odd, uh- Since we've been married, we hadn't ever- We haven't got any children, no.
- I'm sorry, I thought you said you had.
- No, no.
I did.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to contradict you.
I just got a bit confused, that's all.
See, when you said, did we have any children, just for a moment- You weren't sure? - It does sound silly, put like that.
- Yes.
No, no, I mean, it is possible.
We are married.
And I was sort of thinking of the future.
And with financial planning it is important To think of the future.
That's the important thing.
- Gareth- - Shut up? - That's right.
- I'll shut up.
No children at present.
- That's right.
- Well, We have established that.
- Alphonse? - Oui, Chef? Any morons about? Uh, waiters, serving staff at all? I don't think so, Chef, not for half an hour or so.
Mmm.
Have you had Breakfast at all? Actually, I only had a cup, half a cup.
Bit busy today.
Hmm.
Alphonse, um- - He's french, alphonse.
- Really? ÃÂa marche.
Un boudin noir, un filet de porc fumee, Deux oeufs sur la plate, deux pains grilles Avec tomatoes et champignons et deux saucisses, trois fois.
What's all this? - ÃÂa marche- - ÃÂa marche at the crack bleeding dawn? You out to lunch or something? I'm prepping, me.
What's all this? Bacon, eggs, black pudding, Tomatoes, sausages, mushrooms, Two toast, three times.
Certainly, no problem, full o' tricks, me.
This place turned into a greasy spoon or something? Stuff me, I ain't drying out To be cooking lorry driver's fry-Ups.
Donald! - Chef! - Mise en place for three english bloody breakfasts.
Are you sure they don't want pops de cocoa avec lait as well? Gordon bennett, look at me.
I'm the greatest Chef in the land, I'm in the middle of prepping And it's oy, drop everything and do British fry-Up heart attacks all round.
Oh, and donald! - Chef! - Give me a couple of mugs, will you, for the tea? And also send out for a copy of "the sun," "The sporting life" and an ashtray full of rollups.
God knows, we want everything to be just so.
Gordon bleeding bennett.
Ooh.
Simply delicious.
You know what they say.
If you want to eat well in england, Eat breakfast three times a day.
- Yes, quite.
- Anyway, Your little problem.
I seem to remember Warning you about this at the time.
No, you didn't.
I'm sorry, Janice.
Enough is enough.
Breakfast three times a day.
The man is a barbarian.
- Please, Gareth, don't - All I meant to say- French Chefs come to eat here.
Egon ronay comes here On his days off.
People come from all known areas of the world And brave many hours of long-Haul airline food to eat here.
It is possible to eat extremely well here at any time.
Not just breakfast.
- I really do apologize.
- And you didn't warn us of anything major.
You were far too busy drooling over the interest rates And the commission fees and the setup charges And the 900 other assorted fees that banks Are so uncommonly good in dreaming up to warn us of anything.
I know banks are criticized- Shirley temple you said.
Don't know if you remember at all.
Out here in the real world, sunshine, we make our money honestly.
And by and large we don't charge our customers 397 times over And expect them to fall at our feet weeping with gratitude.
This is how we can distinguish banks from real life.
- Gareth- - We bill our customers once And then we have to go out And pay for all the expenses of life With this real money we have honestly earned.
We don't have oodles of surplus cash To sponsor award ceremonies for weeping luvvies Or to pay off discredited ex-Chancellors With bundleloads of cash for sod all.
Or to load up students with naff plastic holders That nobody wants.
We have expenses! - Gareth! - And huge and dreadful are these expenses.
Nannies cost a fortune, it seems.
And the school fees are little short of criminal.
And if you want games included- - You haven't got any children.
- School fees? - Well- - I thought only fascist thugs paid school fees.
There may be certain circumstances where it might be unavoidable.
Like over your dead body, for instance? If we discover we're in a catchment area with a duff state school, Are we to let our child suffer for our political correctness? - Gareth, you said- - Let all the other parlor liberals Go into huddles in the corner with their estate agents And then secretly move to be near good state schools.
Because of le chateau we are locationally challenged.
The schools in this area are absolutely first rate.
- Are they? - Among the best in the country.
- I rest my case.
- What case? Mind you, nursery education, primary schools- - Really? - Redgates first is awfully good.
Come on, redgates first costs an absolute fortune.
- How do you know that? - I, uh- So I gather.
How did you happen to gather that since yesterday? I happened to phone them up and I happened to ask them And I happened to gather quite a lot.
All right, I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
That's all right.
Very occasionally I know I'm not as flexible as I should be.
- Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, I don't know.
- If we do have to pay school fees- - Yes? Then I'm afraid you're going to have to meet me halfway And let us bring in outside investors.
And thank you for all your help.
You've been wonderful.
Uh, breakfast was â£15.
70.
How would you like to pay? TouchãÂ.
- Okay, I think I've worked it out.
- Yes? If we cut back on everything, and I mean everything, Pay ourselves 12% more than we do now, By the time junior shows up for his first day at montessori school, 1,500 a term, 2 grand by then, I expect, No uniforms, games included, an absolute snip And they have cookery classes, we'll be bankrupt.
- That's it, is it? - It is.
So we do have to find some money from somewhere.
And what if this is a false alarm? Well, We can remedy that.
- I think that- - No, no, we really could.
If we had a really good weekend's fishing.
You know? Doesn't have to be right now.
I mean, I've been thinking this is just my hormones having a go.
You've got to be on guard against that sort of thing.
It's just hormones.
Human life is just hormones.
That's all it is.
Testosterone and estrogen.
That's the whole thing.
You're such a hopeless romantic, aren't you? What I mean is, we could wait a bit.
No we couldn't.
I'm middle-Aged.
- What? - I read it somewhere.
It explained it all.
Middle age, youth, elderly, all the ages.
35 is middle-Aged.
- 36.
- There's no need to say it out loud like that.
- I want to be a young dad.
- Well, you can't be.
You're such a comfort to me when I'm vulnerable and depressed.
That's why I married you.
I just don't want to be a geriatric dad.
- How old is that? - I don't know.
38, I expect.
So we have to start a family Because of your biological clock.
It's valid.
I'll have to climb trees and get kites down, Play football with him, run in the father's race.
He's not gonna want some wrinkly old git With a zimmer frame, is he? Don't be sexist.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- They're yuppies.
- They're not yuppies, They'll be go-Ahead.
I don't want go-Ahead investors, I just wanted an aged bobo who wanted a return on his cash.
These guys'll have ideas.
God save us.
They don't want to interfere.
They just want to back us.
- To back you.
- Hmm.
I mean, They have made some suggestions.
- Have they? - But that's all they are, Suggestions.
You're in charge.
What sort of suggestions? Well, for instance, They wondered about a prix fixe.
A prix fixe? - Yes.
- Anything else? - Well- - Perhaps they'd like us To elbow the canapes and hand around a bowl of twiglets instead.
- Gareth.
- Maybe we can install microwaves, Get on the blower to iceland, Buy some catering packs of cook-In-Sauce, Change our name to meals-R-Us.
Could save us a lot of trouble.
- For god's sake.
- Then again, perhaps they'd like us - To have piped music with a speaker in each corner.
- They would actually.
- Of course they would, they're neanderthals.
- Shh.
Their knuckles rub along the ground when they walk And they'd eat earthworms as long as they were in a prawn cocktail sauce.
- Look- - We're rubbing shoulders with the dregs of humanity.
We are talking about a set-Price menu Not the end of civilized society.
What is the difference? There'll be dralon in the dining room And tennis players scratching their bottoms over the mantelpiece.
You have told them I'm a cook, haven't you? - Or do they think I'm the dinner lady? - Will you- Will you stop overreacting? I am not overreacting.
I am stopping the rot here and now, Before we find ourselves boiling in the bag, microwaving Or selling chateau burgers from the side of a caravan in a lay-By.
Oh! This is just an idea.
- Don't think we're pushing in any way.
- No, please.
But we think for the standing of the restaurant And the profile of the company, Boil in the bag is a good idea.
Actually, there is something I should have made- - This is only a mockup.
- Yes, I can see that.
But this is a sort of thing we have in mind.
It's not simply just a good business idea, It's excellent for your personal promotion.
Which is good for all of us.
And of course, it would only be sold Through very upmarket outlets.
The most exclusive.
It would be ruinously expensive, The markup would be a disgrace.
We'd make a packet.
And all the time it's giving you Free personal promotion and advertising le chateau.
Yes, you see, Gareth is rootedly opposed To boil in the bag.
I'm sorry to be negative about this- No, Janice.
We don't need to be so hard and fast about everything.
There's boil in the bag and boil in the bag.
We mustn't overreact.
See, this could be very lucrative, Which is an important consideration for the future.
Of course.
I must take a leaf out of your book And try and be a bit more flexible.
Excuse me.
And this would be for stews, blanquettes, bourguignons? - That's right.
- Would you like to see my kitchen? Um, I'm terribly sorry.
I was half asleep.
I didn't sleep a wink last night.
New baby.
- That's nice.
- Is it? - How are you coping? - Who's coping? It's hell.
They say it's only the first 18 years you've got to worry about.
The kitchens were refurbished in 1992.
- Gareth.
- What? - That was the doctor.
- And? It was a false alarm.
- What's this then? - Bouef chateau anglais.
Yes, Gareth Blackstock here.
I'd like to book a double room For my wife and I for this weekend.
Yes, we're going fishing.
What? The honeymoon suite will be absolutely perfect.
Thank you.
There you are, you see? Elbow the squid like I said.
That's not so bad actually.
No, fair dues, That's quite acceptable.
You going fishing this weekend? - Yep.
- Cor, rather you than me, mate.
Fishing? Blimey, regular brass monkey weather's forecast.
- Freeze your what's-Their-Names off.
- So I gather.
That's bloody breakfast.
Gordon bennett.
I mean that's eggs, ham, black pudding, toast and tomatoes.
I mean, that's very clever.
That should be very popular.
Yes, I gather some people would eat it three times a day.
serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession.
Sync and Corrections by Diplomatic