Chef! (1993) s02e03 Episode Script

Do the Right Thing

1 I'm the best, so do not test the top of my profession the master of my chosen field of that there is no question serious, serious profession serious serious profession.
You're aware that wooden chopping boards are banned? - Of course.
- And you've destroyed all yours? - Good heavens, yes.
- Hmmm.
In the nick of time, I should think.
Everywhere I go I hear of people dropping down dead from wood poisoning.
Obviously the number one threat to life in the country today.
I mean, they were used all around the world for hundreds of years, But all those people just didn't realize They were dying from wooden chopping boards.
It's a human tragedy.
- Mr.
Blackstock- - They all thought it was old age, Accidents or dread disease.
But all the time These terrifying, lethal wooden chopping boards Were sweeping across continents scything down populations by the million.
I'm only a humble health and safety inspector, Mr.
Blackstock, doing a job.
I don't make the rules.
Now then, mr.
Blackstock, This cheese is kept in the refrigerator? It is.
It is put out on the cheeseboard Only for its regulation two hours.
- Good.
- If it were left any longer, of course, It might achieve it's full pitch of ripeness and character.
- That's all very well- - To be honest, I don't know why we feed our diners at all.
I think we should anaesthetize them on arrival, thoroughly delouse them, Give them the requisite number of calories intravenously And then send them home after a little liedown In an intensive care unit.
- Your slaughter certificates? - All in order.
Every single animal I use is killed By being drowned in detol by a freshly-Fumigated virgin.
I won't look at any other meat.
I think perhaps I'll leave my other comments To my letter.
Good day, mr.
- Bloody people.
- Yeah.
What is this? - That's a partridge, Chef.
- It is a partridge, everton, But it is that very particular kind of partridge That I wouldn't give house room to In the final days of a ferocious famine.
Why is it here? - This geezer, he came- - The partridge I want is one That has eaten wild food and lived a wild life.
- Yes, Chef- - Has struggled and hoped and dreamed.
Has sown wild oats.
Has tasted the bitter disappointments Of middle age and knows what it is to eyeball The grim reaper in the watches of the night.
- Oh, right.
- A partridge sunk in the veil of years With all the flavors of its rich, eventful life Captured in its texture, its juice, its very flesh.
- Right, it's just- - I do not want this Callow milkfed adolescent, Uncouth, undeveloped wedge of protein.
- No, Chef.
- I don't believe in eating virgins.
- This partridge- - Yeah, that's right, Chef.
This partridge on the other hand- - Got its leg well over, I shouldn't wonder.
- Yes.
- All signs of middle age, veil of reaper thing? - Exactly.
- Debra! - Chef! - Prep this fowl.
- Yes, Chef.
From where did these strikingly dissimilar creatures originate? Well see, this geezer, he does both sorts.
Let's you and I go into a corner And discuss this geezer at great length and in comfort.
- He interests me strangely.
- Yes, Chef.
Back to work! - Um - What? Having a nap, eh? I was, yes.
I usually do between lunch and dinner, as you may have noticed.
Yes, sorry I woke you.
It's just I gotta go out for a while.
- Out? - Yes, you remember out.
You go through this door, the temperature drops abruptly And the scenery changes.
You know, out.
- Why? - Got to meet this geezer about some ingredients.
- What geezer? - New geezer.
- Look- - I feel a bit guilty about this.
I know it's your department to check all the deals we do.
But I don't want you involved in this if it's shady.
So I'll do this on my own.
- Why is it shady? - No, no, no, you know, I just meant, if it is.
Why should you think it might be? No, no, no reason.
Why doesn't he just come here? He doesn't like to be seen near hotels or restaurants.
Really? Well, that doesn't sound Shady or anything, does it? - I'm coming with you.
- No! It's okay, really.
I'll go with everton.
Let me find out all about it, then you and I Can discuss what happens in the future.
You get some sleep.
- I'm coming with you.
- Janice.
Don't make a big thing out of this, okay? - You're not coming with me, end of story.
- I'm coming with you.
Wait a minute.
Janice! I'll wait downstairs while you get dressed then, shall I? - Fine.
- Jolly good.
Do you think he's a poacher? We're gonna meet this guy at a remote location I can hardly find on any map in the depths of the countryside To pay cash for game in the back of his shogun.
What do you think it is? A very small branch of sainsbury's? - No, but I was just thinking that- - Of course he's a poacher.
We're buying stolen goods? - Well- - Do you think we should? Has terry wogan just walked in? - Is this "do the right thing"? - I just asked a question.
These are the best gray-Legged partridges I have ever seen.
- They're full of flavor - They are, yeah.
I don't have a problem dealing with poachers.
They're real countrymen.
This guy is an authentic rural character.
But he comes from rotherhithe.
I'm not talking geography.
I'm talking attitude.
How did you meet him? I was sitting in the pub and this geezer come along and asked me If I worked at le chateau.
Then he gave me the partridges.
We're hardly the first restaurant to deal with a dodgy supplier.
- No.
- And you can't get quality like this anywhere else.
- No.
- So? Let's go break the law.
Here, take that.
He'll be here soon.
I'm sure he's reliable.
Unless he's been arrested.
We'll give him five more minutes and then that's it.
Yes, it is.
I'm in the middle of something at the moment.
Could you possibly- Oh! Hello, mr.
Well, not entirely, no.
My wife and a kitchen assist- Of course.
An old oak tree.
A path.
Which way is south, actually? Our car is facing east.
Okay, well, thank you very much, mr.
Fil- - Well? - He wants me to meet him.
- Where? - There's a path And an oak tree and I turn south.
- Right.
- I'm to go alone.
- What? - Blimey.
What is all this? He wants to make sure I'm not followed.
- Bloody hell.
- I know.
- Bit serious, isn't it? - Seems so.
- Be careful, Gareth.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'll be okay.
- Um - what? What does an oak tree look like exactly? You know what an oak tree looks like.
I do not.
I do cooking, I do not do forestry.
- It's the one nothing grows underneath.
- That's a sycamore.
- That's a beech.
- You said you don't do forestry.
I happen to know that one.
- I'll draw you a leaf.
- Most kind.
Shut up, everton.
Married to a man who can't recognize an oak.
Funnily enough this is the first time it's ever been a problem.
Ow! Wotcha.
- Mr.
Filkins, hello.
- Yeah, cheers.
- Got the cash? - Yes, can I see the stuff? - Certainly.
- Good.
No, no.
No, this way.
- You don't deliver at all? - I do not, chief, no.
I don't make a habit of being seen around hotels and restaurants.
- No.
- This ain't fortnum and mason's.
He's not cheap, is he? It's good stuff.
You get what you pay for.
I was wrong about him being a rural character, mind.
- Why? - When we'd done the business He said he could get me tickets for "miss saigon," Cheap trainers or a wide selection of cut-Price sex education videos.
Is that car following us? - Following us? - We've made two turns and he's still there.
He's quite a way behind, Chef.
- Why should anyone be following us? - Don't know.
How much were those videos? - Janice- - Chef! - What? - It's a police car, Chef.
Oh no.
Don't go too fast.
- No.
- Drive carefully.
- I am doing.
- And lose him.
How exactly am I supposed to manage that particular combination? Why should the police be following us? I can't imagine.
Obviously nothing to do With our just having done business with a major criminal In extremely suspicious circumstances.
Quick, turn here.
He can't see us now, go on.
Quick, now step on it.
Go fast.
- Go on, lose him.
- We are not bonnie and clyde.
It's not that serious.
What's he gonna say? What if he searches the car? If he finds half a ton of unplucked partridges in the back, What's he to think? We're carrying them around in case we get hungry? Chef, he's just put the blue light on, Chef.
- Oh no.
- What are we going to say about sidney? - The truth.
- I am many things, but I'm not a grass.
- If you'd only listen- - Any minute now we're going to be assuming the position.
We're gonna be in separate rooms with a video camera.
Nice and mr.
Complete bastard.
One phone call.
No right to silence.
We have to synchronize our stories now.
All right, I picked you up after I bought the stuff.
You don't know anything about it, you're both clean.
Let me do all the talking.
God, you're insufferable when you're being heroic.
How dare you! When have you ever seen me be heroic? I don't do heroic.
I do panic and gibbering.
Call me insufferable like that.
Chef, I'll take the rap.
You're the Chef.
And I told you about sidney.
There's no point in all of us going down.
Shut up, everton.
Going down! Oh god, what a day.
Stuck in a car with a spitting harridan And captain oates in the back.
Just keep shtoom.
I can handle this.
- Afternoon, sir.
- Good afternoon, constable.
Now don't tell me, it's on the tip of my tongue.
- Gordon blackstone.
- Stock.
Gareth Blackstock.
And you run that posh restaurant, "le chateau anglers.
" That's right.
So, you come out this afternoon To acquire some high-Class provender for your kitchen.
- No.
- Yes, you have, sir.
I've just seen you doing it.
These people had nothing to do with it.
I acted entirely alone.
They had no knowledge of it.
I see, sir.
Do you mind if I sit in your car for a moment, sir? - In- In my car? - That's what I was suggesting, sir, yes.
- Just for a moment.
- Uh, of course, go ahead.
What are you doing? Bit more comfortable.
- No objection? - No, no.
Janice, my wife, everton, one of my Chefs de partie.
- How do you do.
- How do you do.
I'd like to ask you a few questions if I may, sir.
About today's transaction.
Yes, of course.
I can't remember the man's name.
I never knew it.
I've no idea who it is.
Never met him before today.
It's sidney filkins, sir.
He's well know to us.
- Ah.
- Very well known.
Yes, well, just bought a few- Not entirely sure what I did buy actually.
Couple of birds.
Just thought I'd try- 48 gray-Legged wild partridges you bought, sir.
Had it on the tarpaulin before you all arrived.
Filkins doesn't carry his Produce about with him.
He's an admirably discreet sort of fellow.
Is he? Really? Yes.
It was of course a cash purchase, so no record.
Uh, well I can't imagine mr.
Filkins welcoming our flexible friend.
How much money changed hands, sir? Um, not much good when it comes to money.
If I might be forgiven for speaking frankly, sir, I think it would be genuinely in all our interests If you told me the whole truth Concerning your dealings with mr.
Filkins today.
Yes, yes, of course, officer.
It's just that, well, shouldn't you be saying something about my Having the right to remain silent? I mean, You know, I don't want to Do the wrong thing.
Procedure, I mean.
For god's sake, Gareth.
This isn't "nypd blue.
" - Janice? - A receipt? I keep the restaurant accounts, constable.
It's just a note for my own record.
Yes, I see.
Well, sir, it seems it was well worth My staking out mr.
Filkins today then.
Was it? I can get you wild gray-Legs For much less than this.
I don't suppose you can while you're on duty.
Well, never been much a stickler For rules and regs.
Just a small glass.
Well, he's a bit of a rogue then, isn't he? Our sidney filkins.
- So it would seem.
- It would seem.
Charging you that for a few gray-Legs.
He wants locking up.
- He's- - What's that, sir? Well, this is me being wise after the event, But I suppose he's, well, a poacher.
Poacher, sir? Sidney filkins? He couldn't poach an egg.
No, no, no, no.
He's a dealer, sir.
A spiv.
A wide-Boy.
That's all he is.
He's from london, you know.
- Why is he so- - Why's he so careful? - Yes.
- There's three people sidney lives in fear of, sir.
The tax man, the v.
Man And his last customer.
Anyhow, must be getting along.
Bad men to catch.
Now then, venison, Game bird, salmon, pike, Brown trout, hares, rabbits, Farmer's cheeses, fungi.
Well, is there anything you don't want? No.
- Um- - Yes, sir? - Where do you get all this? - Oh well, sir, I know everyone, sir.
All the estates, The farms, the shoots and so on.
Anyone worth knowing I know.
And they know me.
I know you wouldn't know it hearing me speak, But I'm a real countryman, me.
- Really? - Oh yes, sir.
Lost my accent, of course, when I joined the force.
But I'm a country bumpkin through and through.
Good heavens.
- We are of course talking cash here.
- Yes.
- Don't want too many records kept of all the deals.
- No, no.
No, quite.
It's what makes the world go round, isn't it? - Bit of trading.
- Absolutely.
Well, pleasure to do business with you, sir.
I'll be in touch.
Bosworth's the name.
Like the battlefield.
- Ça marche.
Deux rissoletes.
- Yes, Chef! - The bream, the fois gras.
- Chef! You have a cracked tile on your wall, mr.
It was there last month.
- A cracked tile? - Just above that skirting board.
Should I evacuate the building? Just have it replaced by next time.
Just tell me, how is a cracked tile going to wipe out my clientele? Bacteria collects in the cracks.
Food may come into contact with it.
But bacteria may collect in the grout all over the kitchen.
They've got us surrounded, these bacteria.
I guess so, mr.
Blackstock, Which is why as from next year it will no longer be acceptable.
- What? - As from next year- You don't mean they're gonna outlaw grouting? Exactly.
Continuous, Impervious surfacing will be mandatory.
That's it, isn't it? That's the bottom line.
That's what you people want all over the planet.
Continuous, impervious surfacing.
Only trouble is, if it ever did break Health inspectors would collect in the cracks.
Gareth henry Blackstock? I am indeed, and I'm in the middle of service.
So, if you don't vacate my kitchen immediately I'll serve some warm cheese on a wooden board and you won't see the morning.
- Gareth henry Blackstock- - I'll set my cracked tile loose on you.
- My name is- - Problems with the hearing? There's the door, you walk through it.
Closey-Closey after you.
Otherwise blood everywhere, even in the grouting.
Grieving relatives, orphaned children, Long court case.
Acquittal due to extreme provocation.
Compensatory reward to me from public funds.
Bad business all around.
'Nuff said? If you have any further business with me, I'll see you in an hour or so.
Ça marche! My name is gilbert waterman.
I'm from the national rivers authority.
These men are my bailiffs.
And I have here a warrant to search these premises.
- Warrant? - You're not obliged to say anything.
What you do say may be used in evidence.
Evidence? Probably won't have to search the place, mr.
Oh dear.
Once this gadget is in the salmon, They can track it to study fish migration.
They can follow salmon now from a helicopter.
They've made many remarkable discoveries.
But they were surprised when they detected a mature salmon Traveling at 58 miles an hour down the a-40.
I think it was then that they perhaps thought Something other than fish hormones might be at work.
Hello? Yes.
That's wonderful.
Thank you.
He's just outside.
Do come in.
My wife Janice.
This is mr.
Waterman from the national rivers authority.
- Ah.
- Oh, waterman, rivers.
Yes, sir.
This is a very serious matter, sir.
- Yes.
- I must know where you obtained that salmon.
- Actually I've called the police.
- The police? Yes, you'll have seen them about.
They wear dark blue, flex their knees a lot and call each other skip.
I thought I'd get them involved as it seemed so serious.
As you wish.
I simply need the poacher's name.
I'm prepared to accept you acted in good faith this time.
- Battlefield.
- Hello, hinkey.
What seems to be the trouble? We was at broadhampton junior mix together.
He was a prize clot then.
You hear him talk? He talks like a right yokel, don't he? You would think a man in his position Would do something about an accent like that, wouldn't you, eh? Bugger me.
If I can do it, anyone can.
So, what will happen exactly? Well, that's up to hinkey, isn't it? He sold me the salmon.
Silly pillock.
He's got more covering up to do than dulux.
Well, see you on monday, sir.
- Thank you.
- I'll get some glasses.
Did you leave a tape in the machine? - What is this? - What'd you get? "Sleepless in seattle.
" Oh, great.
I said I wanted an action film.
They didn't have much in.
Oh god, don't worry, we'll watch what you want.
Don't worry about me.
Don't be like that.
You'll like this film.
- It's wet, this film.
- You'll like it.
Don't keep saying that.
I want "die hard ii.
" I want death, destruction, carnage, action.
You know, just like my kitchen.
Well, it was out.
- Bloody hell, what's this? - What? Well, there are people with no clothes on Doing that thing that we do three or four times a year.
- What is this? - Um - I forgot to change the tape.
- Good god.
You kept this to yourself? - Well- - What are they doing? Well, strictly for research purposes.
What are they doing? Oh, it's magnificent.
Good god above.
It's good, isn't it? No, no, I'll- I'll change it.
Where did you get this from? - Well- - Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes! God's truth, look at that! I am looking.
You bugger.
You got a video off that sidney filkins.
He gave it to me.
Didn't cost very much.
It was a kind of sweetener.
You two-Faced old sod.
I'll just put "sleepless in seattle" on.
Oh no you don't.
You wanted an action film, you've got it.
See, I told you it was possible.
I think I went to school with that bloke.
serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession.
Sync and Corrections by Diplomatic