Chef! (1993) s02e04 Episode Script

A Diploma of Miseries

1 I'm the best, so do not test the top of my profession the master of my chosen field of that there is no question serious serious profession serious serious profession.
Yes, of course.
Yes, you're wonderful.
Yes, it's a deal.
I owe you one.
- Bye bye.
- I sincerely hope You're not squandering our profits on those 0898 numbers again.
I have just been speaking to anita lawrence's producer.
Really? Wow.
Who's anita lawrence? The tv chat show woman.
"The anita lawrence show.
" Ring a bell? Janice, the last time I had a chance to watch television, "Torchy the battery boy" was prime time viewing.
She's extremely popular.
Everyone who's anyone Is clamoring to get on her show.
Her parents must be very proud.
Now- I should know.
For the last six months I've been nagging, hassling, whining And groveling to get you on.
Me? Why? You've no idea how many favors I've had to call in on this one.
- Janice- - Giles, who I used to work with, Is having a bit of a thing with one of their researchers and he gave me the nod That dr.
Hilary's gone down with something nasty.
So I gave them a call and voila! They've agreed to have you on as a replacement.
What do you think? I think I'd rather be parboiled In a vat full of wildebeest urine.
Thanks, but no thanks.
Now, about this poultry order- Screw the poultry, Gareth.
We live in a small community.
People would talk.
Sometimes I don't know why I bother.
Come on, there's no point in getting angry.
Gareth, I am already angry.
In fact, I'm working my way up towards livid.
Now I know being married to a Chef Isn't exactly all bollinger and backgammon.
And strange as it may seem, I'm actually reconciled To the fact that you work every hour That god sends and I consequently Have a sex life slightly less active than the singing nun.
- She's dead.
- Quite.
But what I cannot, will not tolerate Is your obvious delight in dismissing and demeaning My professional efforts made on your behalf In my capacity as manager of this restaurant.
This is about the chat show thing, isn't it? Only completely.
Well, you know when I said that thing about being parboiled in a vat- Yes.
What I actually meant to say was, Would you mind driving me to the studio please, darling? - Wear your armani.
- Because it makes me look slim? I never said a word.
That thing about the singing nun- You didn't mean that, did you? Of course not.
Even dead she probably gets it more than I do.
I heard that.
I can't believe this.
Debra, alice.
I really can't believe this.
Imagine, Me in me own flat.
I can have dinner parties.
Well, I could if I wasn't working here all the time.
- Everton.
- Chef? May I ask how this has been achieved? I pay you what you're worth, so how could you afford a flat? Unfortunately my auntie jasmine kicked up her clogs And left me enough for a deposit.
Here you go- My card.
- What is this? - My moving card.
Name and address.
You can pop in anytime.
Alice, would you mind wielding the rod of iron tonight? - Oh, Chef.
- I'm leaving because I'm appearing - On "the anita lawrence show" tonight.
- anita lawrence show? Is this english for foreign students level one or something? Yes, I am and if there are any cock-Ups in my absence, Heads will roll and be rendered down for stock.
Capisce? - Yes, Chef.
- See you tomorrow.
- Bye, Chef.
- Aren't you nervous, Chef? - Nervous? - Well, it's a live show.
I'd be absolutely mortified at the prospect.
No, crispin, I'm not nervous.
When you get to be in my position You take these things in your stride.
Ha! Turn this car around immediately.
I want to go home.
- We're on a motorway.
- I don't care.
I'm gonna make a complete idiot of myself tonight, I just know it.
- You'll be fine.
- I won't.
They'll want me to be witty and amusing and I don't do witty and amusing.
Look, just tell them a few anecdotes.
I don't do anecdotes.
I hate anecdotes.
That's all anecdotes without any exceptions whatsoever.
Tell me, has anything funny ever happened in your kitchen? No, and if it ever bloody does I'll sack the bastard responsible.
Gareth, just calm down.
Don't bother to stop the car.
I'll just get out here.
Gareth! Heavens.
This is just an interview.
Look, there's a magazine down there with an article About anita lawrence.
Just read that and relax.
All right, all right.
I'm sorry.
"Miss lawrence, whose principle nicknames include 'The female mike tyson of television,' 'Lawsuit lawrence' and the 'terminator' Isn't clearly disarming in the flesh.
Laser, as her husband only half jokingly calls her, Is a mistress of deceptive charm.
" Why didn't you show me this before? I thought it might put you off.
I'm doomed.
I can see it now.
The headlines, "Anita grills Chef.
" "Blackstock barbequed.
" "Lawrence cooks Gareth's goose.
" The woman is a monster.
You're hardly gandhi yourself.
Look, you'll give as good as you get And it will make great television.
Nice try, but I don't rise to silly challenges like that.
There is no way that I'm doing this television show tonight, And that is my final word.
Stop this car now! Gareth! Gareth! Anita's just finishing an interview, But she'll pop out to see you when the band's on.
- Can I get you a glass of wine? - No thank you.
I have never been treated like that in my life.
If I'd been michael heseltine she couldn't have treated me with more contempt.
Phoning a solicitor when I get home, Director general tomorrow morning and somebody's head on a pole.
It was nice to meet you.
God, what a pompous prig.
So, who's next for the chopping block? - Joke.
- Gareth Blackstock.
The cook.
- Chef.
- Oh, whatever.
Gareth, I can't tell you How long I've been wanting to meet you.
- Really? - I ate at le chateau anglais - The night I signed my contract.
- Get away.
Sauteed fois gras nestled on a bed of lentils Drizzled with an amazing sherry and a- - Balsamic vinegar sauce.
- Heavenly.
It's your signature dish, isn't it? - You're a foodie.
- I am when you're cooking.
That night I wrote to my mother for the first time in five years.
"Send me the man who cooked me this meal And I will bear him strong sons.
" You enjoyed the food then? Gareth, you are singularly responsible For one of the most exquisite things Ever to find its way into my mouth.
Anita, I'm Janice Blackstock, Gareth's wife.
- We spoke on the phone.
- Of course you are.
I'm so glad you could make it, janet.
Do forgive me, I'm going to have to whisk Gareth away.
Band's nearly finished.
Claire will look after you, janet.
- Janice.
- Whatever.
See you later, love.
Don't worry about her.
We usually dump the wives In the viewing room.
Keeps them out of the way.
- So, Gareth, do you do anecdotes? - How many do you want? That was a marvelous anecdote.
But really, Gareth, You're already one of our top-Rated Chefs And a hugely successful restaurateur.
I wonder if there's anyone to whom you feel You owe a vote of thanks.
I'm the kind of man who prides himself on his humility.
So I would have to admit that no, I did it all by myself.
Thank you very much.
No, to be very serious, there is someone.
An unsung figure in the background, without whom, Well, I just wouldn't be where I am today.
I'm talking about, of course, the very wonderful Monsieur gerald lelonge, A great Chef who taught me everything I know.
Well, almost everything.
There are others, of course.
There's my extremely conscientious and hard-Working staff At the le chateau anglais who'd better not be watching this On a portable in my kitchen if they know what's good for them.
There are my backers; My banker, mr.
Bennett; my builders Who did the renovation work.
That's les the chippie and dennis his mate- That's really interesting, but what I was really trying to get at Was your charming wife janet.
- Janice.
- Whatever.
Can she cook? Can my wife Janice cook? My wife couldn't boil water Without a list of-Easy- To-Follow instructions.
When we first met She thought tiramisu was an italian opera singer.
I could sum up my wife's cooking in one word, But as this is a live show, I won't.
I said you mess about too much.
- Excuse me.
- Do you have a pass, miss? No, it's all right, I'm Janice Blackstock.
The wife of Gareth Blackstock.
- And who's he when he's at home then? - He is one of the guests - On tonight's show.
- Is he now? Well, if you're part of his entourage you should have been given a pass.
No, I am not part of his entourage.
Then that's why you haven't got a pass.
If I can just pop in, I'm sure he'll come out and explain- Sorry, miss, no pass, no entry.
It's bbc regulations.
oh, Gareth.
Listen, we've got to go, bye bye.
Janice? £120.
Janice? Janice?! Stop, stop! Stop! Janice?! -Hello? - Hello.
- Chef? - Everton.
It's late, Chef.
Everton, may I come up? It's late, Chef.
Well, I happened to be in the neighborhood.
- I was sleeping.
- Well, yes, I am sorry.
- Very tiring my job, you know.
- Uh, yes.
I mean, it's nice to see you, Chef.
It's nice to see you too, everton.
It's just a bit late, sort of thing.
- Are you drunk, Chef? - I sincerely hope so.
Because if I'm not and I feel like this Then I should be on the critical list.
I couldn't borrow a bed for the night, could I? Well- What's going on? I am sorry about this.
- What? - Could you pay the taxi? I appear to be temporarily without funds.
I'll make up a bed on the floor and then- I'll sleep in it.
If that's okay with you, Chef.
Morning, Chef.
So what do you think of my flat then? It's remarkable.
Limitless potential.
It is good here, isn't it? It'll be better when I put the picture up.
- Breakfast, Chef? - What is it? Ah, it's courgettes with gruyere cheese, Cream and normandy butter.
Something I was working on.
What's the matter? You still hung over? No, no, I could manage a soupã‡on.
So, tell me what happened to you last night? Just forgot my keys.
Didn't want to disturb Janice.
You mean she locked you out? Locked me out? There's been a slight marital rift.
Nothing serious.
- Oh, but I hope it is serious, Chef.
- What? If locking you out at 3:00 in the morning is just a bit of fun, I'd hate to be around when things do get serious.
- Well- - But it should be serious, shouldn't it? After what I saw on the television yesterday.
It wasn't very nice for mrs.
Blackstock, was it? I don't do nice.
You don't get to be Chef one by being nice.
Janice knows this.
She understands me.
- It's obvious she understands you.
- It is? Of course it is.
She locked you out, didn't she? Shut up, everton.
You have no idea of the strain I'm under, Trapped in the tyranny of my talent.
It's not easy being me.
Anyway, I'm not all that bad.
Well? I'm not saying nothing, Chef.
You should be saying something.
Your silence is disturbingly eloquent, everton.
Tell me what you think of me.
Come on, Chef.
I don't wanna die young.
I wanna live and have kids And dangle my grandchildren sort of thing.
- Tell me.
- You'll fire me.
Of course I won't.
Now stop fart arsing about and tell me what you think.
If you're gonna use such irresistible charm- Tell me.
Well, sometimes you're a bit selfish.
And arrogant.
Bad tempered.
Egotistical and rude.
Anything else? You're ungrateful, Chef.
You take people for granted.
Like last night with your wife and waking me up.
And nicking me bed.
You do ungrateful big time.
Thank you very much for being so candid, everton.
- Okay.
- You're sacked.
Chef, you just said I should be honest with- It was a joke, everton, for goodness sakes.
I have been ungrateful to Janice.
What am I gonna do? Janice, darling.
Um, look, I know you're a bit brassed off with me, But I think I can explain- Look, I didn't know what I was saying, I was nervous.
- Get out! - You made me do it.
- So it's my fault, is it? - Partly.
You give me no credit whatsoever for my input.
And then you humiliate me in front of nine million people.
I think your exaggerating.
It was more like eight.
Janice, let's talk.
Come on.
I had to stay at everton's last night, surely that's punishment enough.
And you can stay there again tonight.
I don't want you coming anywhere near the flat.
Come on, I can't stay there again, it's embarrassing.
So why didn't you give your buddy anita a call? I'm sure she'd put you up.
- You're being unreasonable.
- I don't care.
I hate you.
You don't mean that.
No, you're right, I don't hate you.
But I don't actually think I like you very much either.
So buzz off back to your kitchen.
Do the only thing in the world you're any good at.
I've got work to do.
Everton, I'd like a word with you, if I may.
Is it about the 41 quid you owe me for the taxi? No, it isn't.
It's about this nice thing.
And now, it's anita lawrence.
Hello? - I'm not talking to you.
- Don't hang up! Taxi? Look- Okay.
But this had better be good, Gareth.
Thanks for coming.
You better have a damn good reason for dragging me out here.
Gareth, what is this? This is me trying extremely hard To do nice and to say sorry.
- It's beautiful.
- Little bollinger? Thank you.
Right, if that's all, I have to be getting home now.
- Janice? - Gareth, you amaze me.
Do you honestly think that you can ridicule me in public And then make it up with- With all this? - I had hoped.
- You were wrong.
- I said I was sorry.
- Big bloody deal.
What about all those people who saw you on television? You can't tell them you're sorry, can you? Actually, yes, I can.
Thanks, everton.
Those of you watching earlier in the week I'm sure will remember Gareth Blackstock, The enfant terrible Of british haute cuisine.
Gareth has sent me something along today Which he wishes me to show you.
And who am I to deny the whim of a genius? Hi.
I'm Gareth Blackstock, michelin-Rated Chef, Award-Winning restaurateur And prat par excellence.
Last night I made some inexcusably cheap remarks About my wife Janice.
That's Janice.
And I just wanted to say that the truth of the matter is I would amount to little more than an unsightly Pile of toe jam without her in my life.
I'm arrogant and selfish, bad-Tempered and rude, Egotistical and nasty.
And that's on a good day.
My wife, however, Is selflessness personified.
She is the wind beneath my wings.
Janice, I love you And I'm a wretch at your feet.
Please, please, forgive me.
I hate the song.
But I appreciate the sentiment.
So, am I forgiven? I suppose so.
I hope you've made Something good to eat, I'm starving.
Dinner is served.
Thank you, Everton.
- Pizza? - Absolutely.
You didn't think I had time to organize this and cook, did you? Mmm, mmm.
Tastes great.
Quite right too.
You can't believe the hassle I had Trying to get them to deliver to a forest.
Tell me one thing.
I mean, Why here? Why the forest? Are you serious? - You don't remember? - Remember what? Look behind you.
- Yes? - That space behind you by the tree.
It's where we first did it.
The occasion was so memorable the grass has only just grown back.
- No it wasn't.
- Yes it bloody was.
- It wasn't.
- Wasn't it? As I remember, we tried to but you fell asleep.
I didn't.
I did.
- But I forgave you.
- Oh, good.
Little did I know that you were setting a precedent.
Where was the first time then? - You remember.
My father's old- - Oh my god.
of course.
It's good that you didn't tell me that earlier.
- Why? - I'd never have set all this lot up On the back seat of a morris traveller.
serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession.
Sync and Corrections by Diplomatic