Chef! (1993) s02e05 Episode Script


1 I'm the best, so do not test the top of my profession the master of my chosen field of that there is no question serious serious profession serious serious profession.
Hmm, what? - Gareth.
- Janice.
We did it last week.
Be reasonable.
I'm not waking you to demand amorous behavior.
It's nothing as alarming as that.
Oh, right.
It's just that we've got burglars.
burglars!? - In the restaurant.
- What? I'll call the police while you set about them.
Set about them?! - Where are they? - There're lights in the kitchen.
Someone left them on.
I heard moving about.
More than one person.
Shit! What time is it? - 3:00 am.
- Shit! Hello? Yes, police, please.
Janice Blackstock, le chateau anglais.
I suppose I'll have to hold, won't I? Look, be careful.
They may be armed.
May be? They're in the kitchen, Janice.
It's an arsenal of knives, choppers and cleavers.
They've got more weaponry than the mujahedeen.
I think we've got burglars.
- Oh damn it! - Hello, Chef.
You're up late.
What is going on? I hit my thumb with the tenderizer mallet.
That's the third time.
That ain't a thumb anymore, it's a human escalope.
What is going on in my kitchen at 3:00 in the morning? Is it that late? Time flies when you're having fun, eh, gussie? Yeah.
- You okay, Chef? - Everton- You said I could do a bit of work after service.
Service stopped at 9:45 last night.
Yeah, I know, but- I'm in real distress and agony, know what I mean? I've well and truly done this digit.
I think I should have a medicinal drink For purely therapeutic reasons.
No, you took the pledge.
Remember, one day at a time.
My name is gustave la roche And I am a mortally wounded alcoholic.
No one would deny me A glass or two of 70 proof spirit In any form that came to hand In these circumstances.
Try me.
See, Chef, I was practicing my signature dish.
- Sort of thing.
- Your what? Well, um- Let's have a little general knowledge test here, okay by you? - Yeah.
- What is the name of this establishment In which you are now very likely breathing your last? Le chateau anglais.
Only I- What is the name of the person standing before you, Who is still clinging to life despite having An abrupt and meteoric rise in his arterial blood pressure? - Gareth Blackstock, Chef.
- Chef! Exactly! Chef de cuisine of le chateau anglais.
- Top man of this outfit.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah- That painting on the ceiling of the sistine chapel, Who do you think signed it? Michelangelo or the geezer who footed the ladder? Take your time, much may depend on your answer.
- Well- - What is going on? I'll tell you what's going on.
Albert roux here - Is practicing his signature dish.
- What? - Evening, ma'am.
- Evening.
- Gustave, what are you doing here? - I was lending him a hand.
I do get a bit of insomnia now I've stopped drinking.
Look, I'm not entirely convinced That it is a really good idea for a person Never to have a drink of any sort ever.
I think the system rebels.
I do.
Gustave, in your case I have been instructed To employ only tough love and believe me, Right now I could tough for england.
- But- - Shut up, gustave! Shut up! God, what a night.
Tomorrow is going to be hell because of you cooking through the night, Scaring people half out of their wits.
Good grief.
I'm going back to bed.
- I'm going to follow you.
- Night, ma'am.
What- I am so angry.
- Yes, Chef.
- Yes, Chef.
- God! - I'm sorry, Chef.
Well, you know.
But I mean- You know.
As we are all here, our night ruined, What is this signature dish? It's a terrine, Chef.
Thank you, everton, I had realized that.
Terrine recognition at close quarters is one of my strong points.
It's partridge and it's got like a jelly.
Like a set wine gravy round the outside.
But the pastry's still crisp.
And it's herby.
Very nice with a drop of chateau neuf de pape '83.
Shut up, gustave.
Well, as it's here And I've been pitched out of my bed because of it, I suppose I'd better taste it, Tell you what I think of it.
Always assuming that would be of interest to a Chef of your accomplishment.
It would, it would.
I've made a few versions, actually.
- You can try them all.
- Most kind.
See, I have done myself damage.
And thumbs are important to a Chef.
Now, what I'm saying Is that a complete absence of alcohol Throws the coordination.
It's bound to.
Now, I reckon for professional reasons I should have a modicum- - Shut up, gustave! - Shut up, gustave! It's just a theory I'm interested in.
Mmm! Hmm.
Hmmm! Hmm! Mmm.
That one.
Nobody move, we've got the place surrounded! What exactly is going on? We're just tasting my terrine.
Would you like some? I'm terribly sorry, officer.
It appears that there's been some kind of false alarm.
- No burglars, sir? - No, no, it's- I'd forgotten that my staff were working late tonight.
I thought they'd broken in.
I thought my wife might have- What sort of a terrine is that then, sir? Partridge with jelly and herb crust, officer.
It's everton's signature dish.
You may have heard by way of the media, sir, that we are - Very overstretched just at present.
- I'm terribly sorry- And on the whole we would prefer not to have to drop everything In order to visit trouserless citizens Enjoying midnight feasts in the comfort of their own kitchens.
- I do see that.
- For some of us, sir, When it comes to generous helpings Of partridge pie, Chance would be a fine thing.
Well, we'll be on our way.
I should just like to add That wasting police time is a very serious offense.
- Oh, I'm- - How do you do that then? Keep the pastry crisp when you've got jelly in it? - This is a terrible cheek- - What's that, sir? It's important to know which of these is the best, And they'll be past their best tomorrow- And you'd like us to try them all And tell you what we thinking of them, sir? - It's an awful cheek, I know.
- Doesn't take too long.
- I cook a bit meself.
- Do you? I do, yes.
I've applied for master Chef.
Really? I met lloyd grossman once.
Don't worry.
We won't tell anyone.
Excuse me, do you carry a flask of any sort? For emergencies? - Okay- - Let's use the process of elimination.
- Yes.
- Now this one, I mean, it's wonderful.
Simply wonderful.
You're a very remarkable cook.
- Cheers.
- This one is the least good.
Yes, this is the least good.
The one with plain pastry I'd eliminate.
Yes, the plain pastry should go.
Because it's missing the whole point.
Missing the whole point, exactly.
So it's just these three.
Yes, and of these three it is perfectly clear That this one is the best.
- As they stand.
- Well- - But the jelly in this one is best.
- Well? - If you can get this jelly into that terrine- - No probs.
- You've got a world beater.
- Yeah? - Any chance- - What's that? Well, if you don't ask you never get, As I say.
Can I have the recipe? For master Chef.
Yeah, sure.
- I like plain food meself.
- Ah.
- Honest grub.
- Yes.
- Nothing fancy.
- Yes.
- Mind you, this is not bad.
- Nice of you to say so.
If you like that sort of thing.
Calling whiskey lima.
- Whiskey- Whiskey lima, rendering assistance in a domestic, Le chateau anglais.
Return to patrol In about 15 minutes.
Message received.
Over and out.
- Whiskey? - What? I thought I heard you say whiskey.
What's that? Nothing, sir.
Letter w.
Whiskey lima, w.
You know, alpha, bravo, charlie.
Oh yeah.
I was just interested, because- - Here you go.
- Thank you very much, sir.
Very kind.
And I've signed it.
It must be very gratifying for you, sir, Having a Chef of this gentleman's caliber in your kitchens.
Yes, it is.
- This your place, sir? - Yes.
- You're a very lucky man.
- Thank you.
Ever do any cooking yourself? - Signature dish! - What?! - Bloody everton! - What? Oh god.
I'm terribly sorry, I must have dropped off.
Under certain conditions, dead of night, Lying in bed while chronically exhausted, I find I do that.
Do you think it's serious? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
But I've just about Had a basinful of everton the prima donna Chef.
Working all night on his signature dish? Who does he think he is? - He's going to have to go.
- Go? I can't stand it.
He's got so above himself, He's unbearable.
- He's a good cook now.
- Now? He came to me with nothing.
He couldn't cook toast.
He was a worse than useless liability.
- I know, but- - But I persevered with him.
- Yes.
- I shouted at him, Screamed at him, abused him, hit him.
Gave him unrelieved, unremitting hell.
- Yes.
- And what's the thanks I get? - I know.
- Hmm.
Arrogant little fart.
He's been talking to journalists, you know.
- Has he? - Oh yes.
Giving interviews, if you please.
Just think what he's gonna be like when his partridge terrine is on the menu.
Why would you put it on the menu? Because it's absolutely sensational, that why! I hate him! I hate him.
- Ça marche! The fois gras, a gigolette.
- Chef! - Two more partridge terrines.
- No more terrine.
- What? - It's all gone.
- All gone? - Does seem to have proved rather popular, Chef.
- Make double tomorrow.
- Chef! Kitchen, Chef.
When? I'm not sure I'll be free.
How many dishes would you want? I beg your pardon? - Everton? - Chef! "Hot Chefs" wondering if you might Be interested in doing one of their programs.
Oh, right.
Hello? That's right, yeah.
See, that's fast becoming my signature dish sort of thing.
I wouldn't wanna expose that to a large audience at this stage.
However, my approach is becoming increasingly eclectic.
So perhaps something with a thai or middle east influence Would be of more interest to your viewers? You want- You want everything? Okay, cheers.
- Show it to him, everton.
- I don't know.
He's bound to see it sooner or later.
It's much better to have courtesy on your side.
I was worried he might be a bit pissed off.
- No, he won't be pissed off.
- Won't he? - No.
- Good.
He'll be incandescent with blind and barbaric fury.
Next to Chef, mount pinatubo will be an irritating unripe zit.
- Oh, right.
- The killing fields of kampuchea Will be as a bouncy castle.
I get the idea.
Nice of you to give me your opinion.
- What's that? - Nothing, I'm just- I was gonna- - My god.
- Yeah.
- My god.
- Yeah.
Oh my god.
- What's this? - Debra, look, - I just don't know what to do.
- Leave the country.
- Thanks.
- Go somewhere that's safer - Than being in Chef's presence.
- Great.
Rwanda, bosnia, moss side.
- You're so helpful.
- Would you leave me your knives? Mine are crap and they're so expensive.
Cheers, debra, cheers.
I'll remember it when you're in trouble.
You're not in trouble.
You're dead.
Hmm, what's this? They've sent me the new egon ronay restaurant guide.
- Oh yes? What's it say? - Don't know.
I want you to read it.
You know how I hate coming across bad news unexpectedly in print.
Well, it's very good.
- Oh good.
- There's just - One thing that might- - What's that? "The standards of cuisine at le chateau show no signs whatever of declining.
" This was good, that was good.
"And- A partridge terrine Of exceptional artistry And accomplishment alone Made the 90-Minute drive from london well worth while.
" That was bound to happen.
I mean, it is good.
That's okay.
I can rise above that.
Oh, good.
No, no, no! No, it's too much.
What have I done? - What? - Look at that.
- My god.
- He dies.
Everton stonehead, r.
- Now Gareth- - Look at that! That's not a person, it's a smirk on legs.
He's unbearable.
Two years of being A useless pain in the ass in my kitchen and now this! - Now, Gareth- - Listen to this! "I do feel the constraints of not having my own kitchen And having to conform to a dated and restricted cuisine.
" Now, don't sack him straightaway.
I'm not gonna sack him straightaway.
I'm gonna kill him straightaway.
Very slowly and wickedly, Revealing a hitherto unsuspected Vicious strain of sadism in my psychological makeup.
- Unsuspected? - Then I'll sack him! Appending his p-45 to his mutilated And lifeless remains as a compassionate gesture So that only his nearest and dearest will be able to identify him.
- There is another way- - Because when I finish with him, Identification by any other means will be Quite beyond the present day's scope of forensic science.
- You see, my idea- - Don't try and stop me.
This goes beyond reason.
The only possible response Is gross physical damage.
"Hot Chefs," signature dishes And now "dated and restricted cuisine.
" I must be allowed the sight of his blood outside his body.
God would agree.
There is no other way.
Um - everton.
- Chef.
- I must congratulate you.
- See, this thing in this magazine- "Gastronomy"? I've seen it.
I must say, I'm very pleased.
Chef, you have every right.
I see that now, it's just- - What? - In so short a time in my kitchen you've come so far.
- Hmm- - From talentless lame brain liability- - I speak frankly- - Of course.
To a serious cook in under one and a half years? - 20 months, yeah.
- It reflects so well on me And on this kitchen that you've progressed so fast.
Yeah, I suppose it does, Chef.
Not many kitchens can produce a budding michel roux, An incipient mosimann, a new burton race with such alacrity.
It's true.
Yes, it's true.
Let's talk about it, everton.
Come with me to the dining room.
- A light lunch for mr.
Stonehead and myself.
- Chef! - Salad, turbot, plum tartine.
- Chef! South dining room, I think.
- The pommery '83 please, alphonse.
- Oui, Chef, Everton, there are some things donald, that pigeon breast salad was very nice.
- What? - Very nice.
- Chef and I were very pleased with it.
- What? I think I should tell everyone that, um, Chef has made me deputy Chef.
Deputy Chef? Does that mean you get a badge - And a six-Gun as well? - No, no, no.
It means, if ever Chef is incapaciplated- Incaplapla- If Chef can't make it to the kitchen for any reason, I take over.
What? - Monday night is the old comrades' charity do? - That's right.
And we don't put any paying customers at risk, - We close the restaurant and give them a free meal.
- Uh-Huh.
No one in the kitchen knows it's not a normal night? Come on, Gareth, that's the whole point.
What do you take me for? - Janice, you're a genius.
- Hmmm.
- Kitchen.
- Don't let on who this is.
Who is it? - Chef.
Don't let on.
- Chef! Listen, you're going to be told a lot of things, So I thought I'd phone you to put you right.
- Oh, right.
- I'm not in intensive care.
- What? - If I was I couldn't phone you, could I? No, no, you couldn't, no.
A maximum care unit is not intensive care.
Yeah, right.
Where are you, Chef? I'm not saying anything till I've had the results of the tests.
But I'm looking on the bright side.
I do realize how lucky I am.
It's not every kitchen that has A fully capable Chef de cuisine in the ranks.
I'm well aware.
Gotta go.
The injections are having their effect.
Good luck with everything.
See you in a day or two.
Chef- Everton, it's over to you.
Um- Chef's not coming in For a bit, so, um, I'll be taking over sort of thing.
So I'll- I'm gonna to- - You'll check the bookings.
- I'll check the bookings.
That's right.
And then- - Sort out the ordering.
- Sort out the ordering.
And then I'll- - Do the menus.
- Do the menus.
- Yes.
- Nice to see you taking charge.
- What's wrong with Chef? - Nothing.
He's fine.
He's young and fit.
He's healthy.
He's not in intensive care or anything.
He'll be okay.
There's nothing wrong, really.
Where's the order books? Oh god.
So, what are you going to do? I creep into the restaurant, I have a meal.
If it's all pretty dreadful I chortle and then at the end I go into the kitchen for a discreet but enjoyable gloat.
Tee-Hee, show him what it's actually like to run a kitchen.
But if it's a catastrophe I just go in and take over.
- How is he? - He's very nervous.
He has a lot to be nervous about.
Let us go.
Thank you.
- You look very nice tonight.
- Thank you, so do you.
Alphonse, it's just you and gordon on this table tonight.
No one else comes near.
- Oui, Chef.
- And alphonse- - Oui, Chef? - If anyone finds out We're here tonight, you die.
But of course, Chef.
- Can I take your coat, madame? - Please, alphonse.
ã‡a marche.
- One salmon terrine.
- Chef.
- A duck salad.
A baudeau noir.
- Chef! - 10 minutes for a red mullet.
- Chef! - Gustave, please.
I'll do the lobster.
- Chef.
- We have lift-Off.
- Good luck, Chef! - Cheers.
- Bloody need it, me old china.
What a disaster.
God, how dreadful.
In my own restaurant.
I know.
This is the worst night Of my life.
Should never have done this.
It was your idea.
That's right.
Blame me.
I do blame you.
Give him enough rope, you said.
- Now look what's happened.
- I know.
Everything absolutely perfect.
Yes! serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession.
Sync and Corrections by Diplomatic