Chef! (1993) s02e06 Episode Script

Private Lives

1 I'm the best, so do not test the top of my profession the master of my chosen field of that there is no question serious serious profession serious serious profession.
Thank god for a relaxing bank holiday.
Recharged our batteries With enjoyable leisure pursuits.
What you've been up to? Invoices, tax return, v.
You little raver.
- What about you? - Bit of cooking.
How nice.
Trying my new pancakes.
Had to do all the washing up, Clean the kitchen from top to bottom.
Haven't done that for a while.
That's all right then.
Not as if you haven't had a change.
Fully booked for lunch tomorrow.
96 covers.
The restaurant only holds 90.
We'll put a table on the terrace.
- It's going to rain tomorrow.
- How do you know? You're putting a table on the terrace.
We shall squeeze a table in if it rains.
Don't worry.
Oh, joe and leslie phoned.
Well, good.
How are they? - Fine.
- Wonderful.
Who are joe and leslie? Come on, Gareth.
Joe and leslie, you remember.
- Um- - Haven't seen them since our wedding, mind.
- Um- - You remember our wedding? That's when you vowed To be celibate with me till death do us part.
Leslie, a blond geezer with a moustache.
Close, very close.
Leslie is black, Entirely without facial hair and a woman.
Otherwise you hit the nail on the head.
They invited us for dinner on monday.
We haven't got time.
Not until I've cracked these pancakes.
Will you mind telling them that? - Well- - I mean, it is extremely difficult Trying to explain to people on the outside We can't come to dinner because you've got to finish your pancakes.
Makes washing your hair seem like life and death.
I never see anyone.
We employ 20 people and serve hundreds every week.
You know what I mean.
I want to be bored to death at a dinner party And scream at you in the car about it all the way home.
I want to wonder if he's doing it with her or is he really gay? What's it like being a quantity surveyor? And what sort of holiday did they have in ecuador? And talk about the royal family- Sounds simply dreadful.
I know, but I wish we did it now and then.
Talking of things I wish we did now and then It's just a thought.
- Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
- Morning, Chef.
We are fully booked for lunch, so it's back to work - With a vengeance.
- Yes, Chef.
Particularly as half my staff appear to be absent.
- Everton, where are they? - See, donald- - Everton.
- Chef? Debra's crying and I haven't shouted at her yet.
See, she does cry when she's chopping onions, Chef.
Gets her in a big way.
She's chopping carrots.
She's been having a bit of a bad time with her boyfriend sort of thing.
Boyfriend? How can she have a boyfriend? She works here.
- But- - What's that got to do with cooking? Leave your private life behind you when you come into this kitchen.
- Yeah- - We all have trouble at home.
You try being married to my wife for a week.
That could make anyone cry.
- Must be sheer hell for you.
- It was a joke.
Janice? You were telling me about donald.
Donald's dad's in prison, Chef.
- Prison? - You know, place of penal correction, Three to a cell, bucket in a corner.
- You'd have heard of them.
- Do not get smart with me.
Sorry, Chef.
It's the holiday feeling, it ain't worn off yet.
I keep thinking I'm a human being in my own right sort of thing.
He got done for g.
He got drunk and decked this geezer.
- Oh no.
- Donald never met him till he was 18.
They've been trying to build up a relationship.
So it upset him a bit.
I don't want my staff building relationships, I want them here cooking.
- Chef.
- It's all these bloody relationships - That cause all the trouble in the world.
- Oh god, we're fully booked for lunch.
We'll have to send out for takeaways.
What about you? I suppose your private life's in some sort of crisis, is it? I don't have a private life, Chef.
- I work here sort of thing.
- Sort of thing is right.
Help him.
- Sorry, Chef.
- No, no.
- I'm just a bit upset.
- Yes, yes.
You see we are fully booked for lunch.
96 covers, actually.
I do want to talk to someone.
- Well- - And you're an older man.
Well, a bit older.
He's very romantic, william.
Uh, yes.
- Of course I like romance.
- Yes, yes.
But I love him.
The thing is, debra, I'm married, So I don't know very much about love and romance.
I can certainly vouch for you there.
Oh, well, Janice, I meant- - Debra is upset.
- I can see that.
Why don't you run along and do some cooking? We're fully booked for lunch, you know, 96 covers.
Oh, deb.
One has arrived, your lordship.
- What? - At one's place of employ.
Grant, don't call me your lordship.
The nearest our family ever got to a title Was when my mother was miss broadstairs 1969.
We're not titled, we're just grotesquely rich.
- Yes, sir.
- And don't call me sir.
This isn't "the remains of the day.
" It's britain in the '90s.
- Okay, you're the boss.
- Well, that is true.
- See you at 11:00.
- Cheers.
- And grant.
- Yeah? If you're going to spend the day shafting your doxie, As I presume you are, please don't do it in the car.
It's my personal habitat and I don't like third-Party nooky taking place in it.
Where the astonishingly- Rude-Word-Beginning-With-The- Sixth-Letter-Of-The-Alphabet - Have you been? - I'm very sorry, Chef.
- I don't find it hard to get staff.
- No, Chef.
People have offered me money, sexual favors, a blue peter badge And on one memorable occasion a place on the lower reaches Of the new year's honors list for a job in this kitchen.
- Yes, Chef.
- So, what happened? - It's a long story, Chef.
- I like a good story And it will be gala time for all of us because we work flat out.
- Yes, Chef! - It's my father.
He's just coming up to 50.
You know that generation, - They only think of one thing.
- Actually, what I had in mind was you would do Your "our tune with simon bates" thing whilst prepping veg, - If it's all the same to you.
- Chef! Thank you.
We are fully booked for lunch, 96 people.
- 96? - Yes.
- But we only hold 90.
- I'm going to put tables on the terrace.
- Suppose it rains? - Shut up, everton.
- Concentrate on your work.
- Yes, Chef.
I've got a cook who can't see for tears, Another whose old man is doing heavy duty needlework Courtesy of her majesty's prisons and now one Who can't turn up on time because his father's turned 50.
- How does that work out? - He's had a morality bypass, my father.
He's got more sexual partners than bugs bunny.
He makes alan clark look like cliff richard.
I owe my very being To a forgotten pill on a one-Night stand after a pink floyd concert.
Leaves its mark.
Could you actually make the connection now, please, Between your ancestor's sexual mores and your current lateness? Alfred hitchcock himself would have relieved the suspense by now.
Several of his girlfriends turned up at once.
I had to keep them apart.
I've lived a french farce for the last few days.
I'm just back from returning cheryl to northampton.
- Cheryl? - Someone who proved resistant to my father's charms.
There were lots of cones on the m-1.
I'm very sorry, it won't happen again.
- Sorry, Chef.
- Oh, no, no, please.
Kitchen, Chef.
One moment, please.
- William.
- I'm sorry, Chef.
Of course.
It's fine, please.
Oh no, of course I wasn't upset.
Oh! Oh yes.
I'll see you then, then.
Must go now.
he's popping in.
Just before dinner service.
If that's okay, Chef.
Of course.
- Qu'est-Ce qui se passe? - We have 96 for lunch.
But you put tables on the terrace.
Oui, mais monsieur ian mccaskill, He puts the black clouds all over his map, alors.
- I see.
- But madame tells the customer They can have a private room for no extra charge.
- Where's my staff supposed to eat? - Perhaps they can manage On the roof? Alphonse, are we fully booked tonight? Half full, I think.
Yes, madame says can you shout at your staff very quietly And ask them not to scream when you hit them? - A little joke, I think? - Remarkably little.
Almost unnoticeable.
Chef, I- Look, I'm really sorry I'm late.
I am fully aware of the reasons, donald.
I hope all is resolved in your private life.
I am renowned for my compassion and fellow feeling.
Unfortunately michelin stars are not awarded For those qualities and we are fully booked for lunch.
- So I just get on with it? - Exactly.
- I'm really sorry I'm late, Chef.
- I understand.
You'll never be forgiven.
You face a lifetime Of vain attempts at restitution but I'll forget it now.
I'm really sorry.
- Debra.
- Chef? I know things seem dreadful now, But with the perspective of years they'll become much less significant.
- Um- - At my age you see the underlying values.
A young and attractive, talented and intelligent cook, Your life is nothing but promise.
- Thank you, Chef.
- Just try not to be too upset.
I'm fine now, Chef.
I'm just chopping onions.
Gets to me in a big way.
- There's too much cream in it.
- Yeah.
- This isn't the right potato for this.
- No.
- Needs a different flour.
- Hmm.
This one- - I thought that.
- No, it's overcooked.
- Eggy? - Far too eggy.
So what do you think? - It's simply divine.
- It is, isn't it? These will be a big thing.
So, this what you're doing then.
Yeah, I've got two and a half hours in my kitchen before dinner.
- I'm gonna play with my train set.
- Good.
Oh! Kitchen, Chef.
Crispin's not here right now.
Look, all right, I'll take a message.
Grant, His chauffeur- Ex-Chauffeur called And- I am not about to pass on vituperative abuse, Including words beginning with the sixth letter- You found crispin's dad doing what in the back of the roller? Rodgering your doxie? Doxie? And crispin rodgered cheryl? Also in the back of the roller? Remarkably aphrodisiac vehicle, this roller.
Wait, I thought cheryl was dad's- Hang on, hang on.
Cheryl and doxie, right- Cheryl and doxie, yes, and dad And cheryl and doxie.
Lucky old bugger.
And crispin and cheryl, hmm.
And crispin and also another woman.
What? This weekend? My god, like father like son, eh? None of my business, it's just that working in my kitchen I don't think I'd have the energy for so much sexual activity.
You can say that again.
No, no, I'm still here.
So, hang on.
Cheryl, right- Oh no, sorry, I've had cheryl.
What do you mean, who hasn't? Now look, this has nothing to do with me.
I'm very busy.
I'll tell crispin you called, okay? All right.
Um, there's a man.
- What? - He's a bit odd.
Says he wants to talk to someone who works in the kitchen.
- For what? - He won't say.
Oh no, it's the light of debra's life.
It's william.
- Hello.
- Who are you? Gareth Blackstock.
This is my restaurant.
Are you the light of- Are you debra's boyfriend? - Eh? - You're not william? - Eh? - Are you crispin's dad? What? The only man I know you can't be Is donald's dad, because he's banged up.
I escaped.
Oh good.
I mean, right.
- Donald's not here at the moment.
- Where is he? There's a couple of hours between lunch and dinner.
People go off and do things, you know.
Sleeping- I've got to see him.
When you said escaped, you mean of course That your brief got you off.
- I legged it.
- Oh, yes, right.
Group four running true to form? That's right.
So, they're looking for you now.
- Yeah.
- You're on the run, to coin a phrase.
- Yeah.
- Fine, jolly good.
- Just wanted to clarify a few things.
- Yeah.
I don't quite know how to broach this.
I'm not prejudging anything in any way, there's two sides to every story.
To know all is to forgive all.
God knows I'm not a judgmental man- I done it.
I decked him.
- It's a fair cop.
- Please don't say that.
- It is.
- No, I mean, it's a fair cop.
They'll think you're taking the mickey.
- I can't handle this.
- Um- I've got to talk to someone.
And I'm a younger man.
At least donald will be pleased to see me.
- Yes.
- He's a great guy.
He is.
Wonderful cook.
- Cook? - Yes.
- That's what he does, is it? - Yes.
Still, he's young.
He can get a proper job later.
I'm not saying I behaved well.
Well, decking people is generally regarded As being at least impolite.
I have to agree with you there.
- I mean about donald.
- Ah.
- It's amazing he wants to see me so much.
- Yes.
I am very lucky.
What I wanted to say just now- You being on the run, So to speak, the police hunting for you At this very moment- This being a very respectable restaurant, - Without wishing in any way- - I left his mother as soon as he was born.
I went back to my wife and kids.
Nothing so complex as human relationships.
Left her a month later.
Went to kettering To live with a trainee go-Go dancer.
Had to sell cannabis to make ends meet.
- You're absolutely right.
- To come here? To say you haven't behaved very well.
I see you're a master of understatement.
- See, I'm drawing a line.
- Yes.
- Rebuilding my life.
- Uh-Huh.
- Wiping the slate.
- If I could just interrupt This thesaurus of repentance cliches Just for a moment to address the problem Of your being an escaped convicted felon And my being guilty of harboring, aiding And abetting I hate to seem selfish.
- No one knows I'm here.
- Well- No one connects me with donald.
Least of all yourself, it seems.
Would you excuse me just for am moment? God! Have you offered him anything to eat? That would be out and out aiding and abetting.
We'd do time.
We don't know that he's a criminal.
It's only everton who said.
He's told me himself.
He can't wait to tell people.
He's in compulsive confessing mode.
He'd own up to nicking shergar, being lord lucan or voting tory right now.
He's wiping slates clean, making new starts.
I got out just in time before he started saying, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
" It's donald's dad in trouble.
I mean, there's humanity here.
I'll do something for him.
We'll just have to keep Him here until donald- Kitchen, Chef.
Debra is not here right now, william.
Of course I'll tell her.
Are you hungry? I mean, would you like something to eat? No.
You got a minute? - Of course.
- I've got to talk to someone.
- Um- - And you're a woman.
Can't argue with you there.
Donald will be so surprised to see me.
It'll make his day.
Yes, I'm sure.
I'm making a fresh start.
Yes, so I gather.
I can't handle this.
Hello? Cooking, eh? I make it a rule in life to come out with at least One stupendously crass remark every day.
Today you struck lucky.
My name's cheryl.
Cheryl manningham.
- Is crispin about? - No.
- Are you mr.
Blackstock? - Yes.
Crispin raves about you.
You're the business, aren't you? - Yes.
- The best cook in england.
In the world.
And I'm trying to do a bit of cooking now.
I'm in my kitchen, I've got my outfit on and everything.
Of course.
I'm sorry to barge in like this.
But I've simply got to see crispin.
He gets some time off about now, doesn't he? He's off till service tonight.
Um is there somewhere I could wait? Sorry to be a bore.
I'll just sit quietly, I won't be in the way.
The waiting room is this way.
Thank you so much.
I'm not saying I behaved well.
I haven't.
- So I'm finally drawing a line.
- Uh-Huh.
- It's like a new start.
- Yes.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Janice, I'd like you to meet miss cheryl manningham.
- How do you do? - How do you do? Cheryl, this is, um- - Gordon.
- How do you do? I'm having a bit of a day.
- Excuse us.
- Of course.
You see, I'm wiping the slate clean.
Really? - I gotta talk to someone.
- Yes.
I can't handle this.
Oh dear.
It's beginning to get on top of me.
I see.
I mean, crispin's father is quite extraordinary.
Where'd you get these pieclets? - Pancakes.
I made them.
- They taste funny.
- In what way? - I hardly know him.
We just met and he said- Right out he said- Well, I won't tell you what he said, it was a word- Starting with the sixth letter of the alphabet.
- Yes, nicely put.
- What did you say? Not a lot.
I was so shocked.
But he meant it Because only the next day he tries it on with grant's- - Doxie? - With considerably more success.
In the back of the roller.
Has it been in the papers or something? - Grant phoned.
- Ah.
I mean, He's an attractive man, crispin's dad.
- I can't handle this.
- Shut up! Grant's out of control.
He went mad with crispin's dad.
- Did he deck him? - What? - No, nothing like that.
- I'd have decked him.
I mean, I'm not saying I behaved well.
I haven't behaved well.
It's amazing donald wants to see me so much.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'm very lucky.
Could you hang on a bit? I'd like to see how all this turns out.
Who did you say was spreading all these rumors about you and crispin? - The doxie.
- Yes.
- She says- - Does the doxie have a name? - Lavinia.
- Cheryl.
Hello, crisps.
I had to come and tell you before you heard it from someone else.
Lavinia is telling everyone that you and I- - What? - You know.
- In the back of the roller.
- You and I? Grant phoned to told me.
Me and cheryl? I'm not sure you're being that complimentary, crispin.
He also suggested you started a relationship With another young lady very shortly afterwards.
- He's out of control.
- Me? - Yes.
- Started a relationship? - Well- - I don't have relationships.
I work here.
They're quite nice, these pieclets.
- Oh no! - Donald.
- Oh no.
- Donald- - No.
- Donald? - Donald? - No! I can't handle this.
What is your problem? He only missed a probation visit.
It's not a serious thing.
- He's not "the fugitive.
" - He gave us the impression- He's only my father biologically anyway.
- So I gather.
- He's not on the run.
Just, you know, missed a probation visit.
- I thought- - He overdramatizes everything.
He's not dr.
He's just my father biologically anyway.
- Yes, you said.
- Not my father in any other way.
- Where is he now? - He's gone back to cookham.
Decided to make a fresh start.
Wipe the slate clean.
Turn over a new leaf.
- Alphonse? - Oui, madame? What is all this? We don't need this tonight.
- Chef has told me to do this.
- But- - You haven't got your Chef's gear on.
- Nothing gets past you.
- Want some champagne? - What is going on? Alice and gustave are on tonight, they can cope without me.
Great, they can cope.
Who's going to be maitre d'? I am, mrs.
I did it once before, at the willow trees.
- It's where I met crispin.
- Yes, but- He's explained the menus to me.
I won't let you down.
- Promise.
- Gareth alphonse.
Oh my goodness, leslie.
Hello, jan.
- Clean-Shaven black lady.
- I beg your pardon? It's lovely to see you.
- Hello.
- Joe.
- Oh my goodness, linda.
- Janice.
Oh hello, tony.
Goodness me, all these people.
What are you all doing here? - Oh, that's nice.
- Do you want to sit down? Yes.
- What is going on? - Janice, I've just invited A few guests round for dinner.
Don't keep on as though it never happens.
Thank you.
The weight of pancakes.
He was a pain somewhere quite distant from the neck.
I thought donald was gonna deck him.
Apparently crispin's dad Makes warren beatty seem like stephen fry.
They've all gone home now.
Crispin's taking cheryl back to northampton.
Do you think crispin and cheryl- Don't be silly, he's much too young for her.
- Stranger things - Is that the guy taking her to northampton? Yeah, and what's he driving her back to northampton in? The roller.
- Um- - Can I help you? - Um, I'm william phillips.
- Oh, the light of deb- - Debra's boyfriend.
- Debra's ex-Boyfriend.
- Oh no.
- What happened? I can't handle this.
serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession.
Sync and Corrections by Diplomatic