Chef! (1993) s02e07 Episode Script

England Expects

1 I'm the best, so do not test the top of my profession the master of my chosen field of that there is no question serious serious profession serious serious profession.
Morning, Chef.
- Ça marche.
Two hommard.
- Chef! - Langoustine.
- Chef! - Four partridge.
- Chef! - One well done.
Debra.
- Chef! - Ruin a partridge for me, please.
- Chef! Dry it out, destroy its texture, spoil its taste.
Once it has cast its very partrigdeness To the four winds to satisfy this barbarian - Chef! - this visigoth, this viking Who has presumably ordered it because the knowledge that I am weeping - In the kitchen brings him pleasure.
- Chef! Alphonse! Where's alphonse? Bring him to me at once, alive.
And I want him in chains.
- Alphonse! - Chef? I am not a wine expert, but even I have no difficulty In identifying rat's piss when I taste it.
And this isn't even vintage rat's piss.
- Chef? - Were I running gazza's fish shop, As so many people here seem to think I am, I wouldn't let my customers shake this over their chips.
- No, Chef.
- The person who thinks this is good enough to cook with - Is a grape-Brained milliwit.
- Oui, Chef.
- I'll bring you some- Some wine.
Sorry, Chef.
- Thank you.
Oh shit.
Mauritius, I thought.
Or maybe madagascar.
Yes.
Or france, say.
No, we've done france and we need somewhere were we can just flop.
I don't want ruins or your fitzy galleries or natural geysers To be guilty about not going to see.
What we desperately need Is a 15-Day sun-Drenched, over-Fed coma.
Yes.
There's a cooking competition in lyons I've been asked to go in for.
That would be restful, would it? Exhausting, I should think.
Planning it, packing, Getting everything there, the shopping, The contest itself.
Dreadful.
So, we won't do that then.
How about sri lanka? It's just that it is the major competition.
You can only enter by invitation.
It would raise our profile astronomically.
Bookings would shoot up.
Never mind national coverage, We'd get international coverage.
Business would boom.
We could retire.
Anyway, it's just a thought.
- Could be a mistake to enter.
- How so? I could lose, come last or something, That wouldn't be such wonderful publicity for le chateau.
Don't say that, Chef.
You're an amazing cook.
Don't be tiresome, everton.
I'm the best cook.
Anyone with half a tastebud and a gram of discretion Can see that I'm so far in front you need the hubble telescope to see me.
- We're talking about frenchmen here.
- Ah, right.
Most of the judges will be french.
There are two french teams, it takes place in france.
I never knew the french were so lacking in objectivity.
It's not the french per se, it's french cooks, French gastronomes, french food critics, All of whom think english Chefs are what you scrape off your heel After you've walked through a dog pound.
- Ah, yes.
- This is the eurovision nosh contest And I do not want to come away with nil points.
Also there's the question of food.
We have to do english food Using only english ingredients.
- English food? - Yes.
- The french do french food? - Yes.
We're buggered then, aren't we? Look, Chef, you've gotta do it.
If you don't do it, Some other cook who's not as good as you will and we'll lose.
Do it for king and country.
Fly our flag and that.
- Don't want it getting out you're afraid of it.
- I'm not afraid.
- I know that.
- I'm perfectly certain I should win.
I'm merely being realistic about partisan judging, that's all.
Remember torvill and dean and lillehammer? No, no, everton's right.
I don't have an option really.
It would be like the west indies dropping kurtley ambrose.
- Quite.
- Genius has its responsibilities.
- I see that.
- Exactly.
It will mean a tiny bit of work on the menu after service.
That's okay, Chef.
- Okay, can we do the sauce now, please? - Right.
- Ready? - Ready.
Lets go.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Crap.
What's going on with the plongeur? - Good night on the television, is it? - He's gone home, Chef.
What? Oh, of course he has, yes.
All right, let's go again with this.
- Lose the sherry vinegar, underdo the poaching.
- Yes, Chef.
Morning, Chef.
- What are you doing here? - I work here, Chef.
Donald is my name.
I've been here a few weeks now.
But it's- The morning! - We've worked all night? - Yes, Chef.
- Why didn't anybody say anything? - I don't like being hit.
- You don't get any time off in lieu, you know.
- No, Chef.
Should've said something.
I'll be tired and irritable all day now.
- How will we be able to tell the difference? - Quite enough of that.
- We'll resume this tomorrow after lunch.
- Yes, Chef.
- It is quite important, this competition, you know.
- Yes, Chef.
- Should have said something.
- Yes, Chef.
Sorry, Chef.
- Course we have to do this with english wine.
- English wine? - Yep.
- Where're we gonna get english wine? England.
It's a wild stab, I know.
- I was hoping alphonse was going to help me there.
- The wine waiter? He's a sommelier, everton.
He buys all our wine.
His knowledge is encyclopedic.
- Please never ever call him a wine waiter again.
- Yes, Chef.
That's like calling me ronald macdonald Or my restaurant "frog's legs you like.
" He's sommelier en Chef, and he is a genius.
But yesterday you called him a grape-Brained milliwit.
I was speaking in a different context.
That's the context you speak to me sort of thing, isn't it? - English wine? - That's right.
- I want you to buy me some english wine.
- Why? It's for a competition in france.
You are taking english wine to france? - That's right.
- Mon dieu.
It's the white wine I need above all.
You've got to help me.
I need an english wine for my white wine sauce.
I won't have those arrogant, snotty, conceited little frogs Sneering at me because the english can't cook.
I'm terribly sorry, alphonse.
It's okay, Chef.
I certainly should never have said fr- The f-Word.
- It's unforgivable.
I hate racism.
- Pas du tout.
And I'm sorry I called you a grape-Headed microwit.
Grape-Brained milliwit.
That's okay too.
- It was a different context.
- Shut up, everton.
That bad, eh? No, it was a joke, Chef.
I do know you've got to spit it out.
I mean, you'd be legless if you didn't.
This one is not so bad.
Now that's being legless.
This is quite nice, Chef.
- Geronimo.
- English wine, mon dieu.
It's very nice.
Who can believe it? See, they're not prejudiced or anything.
No.
But very nearly.
- Okay, mise en place- - Actually, Chef.
- What? - You know, you said we should say- - I mean, you said we should have said- - What? - Well, I'm saying.
- Everton, It is late.
I am tired.
Could you manage a burst, however brief, of intelligible english? I don't want to cook this again, Chef.
- No, of course not.
- Huh? Obviously, we should stop now.
I mean, we've worked on this For four sessions flat out.
The competition is within days.
Once more will do it.
We are within an ace of perfection.
So obviously we should stop now! It seems so clear to me now you mention it.
- But Chef- - It is that that has made england great- That immaculate sense of timing.
Edmund hilary, the second he saw The summit of mount everest 100 or so feet away said, "We know where it is now.
We might as well go back down.
" - The spirit is willing.
- Shut up.
You're a gutless, lazy, spineless twerp.
You wanted to go up for this contest.
I never said it was going to be easy.
- Yes, Chef.
- Mise en place! Or seek employment elsewhere in some easier kitchen.
I understand burger king in chipping norton Has a vacancy, and the uniforms are in your colors.
- Yes, Chef.
- Debra! Chef! Actually, Chef, remember you said we should say- Mise en place! Bloody people today.
There isn't an inch of backbone in the whole of britain.
Four minutes of effort and suddenly the whole country Wants to have 14 days in the algarve to recuperate.
Makes you want to bloody weep.
That's enough with that now.
Try this.
you see, me and everton, We'll take the ingredients And we'll go two days ahead.
Yes.
We can't take the fresh ingredients, Particularly the fish.
No.
And we'll want them on the morning of the actual day.
At the earliest.
- It is very important, this.
- Uh-Huh.
So I'll check everything And I'll take the non-Perishables.
I'll make a list of all the outstanding stuff.
You can get all that together along with the health export certificates.
- Can I just bring you up to speed here? - Eh? I'm your wife, remember? The one you married.
The one with the brain who isn't an infant.
Ring a bell at all? - What? - I'll bring the fish out on the day, Get the latest flight I can with one in hand.
Course you will.
Yes, I'm sorry.
While we're on the subject, there's another thing That wives are good for.
I don't know if you know it at all.
Come on, everton, careful with this stuff, please.
It's very fragile.
Mind him, mind him.
Turn right.
Just turn right.
Right.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, coming through.
Thank you, you're so kind.
Thank you very much.
- Down there, sir.
- We've booked three seats.
One for the stuff.
- Yes, sir.
- We've actually booked a seat.
I know it looks like a lot.
Well, it is a lot, - But we've paid for a seat.
- That's fine, sir.
- Uh- - Careful, everton.
- Sorry, sir.
Thank you.
- Here we are.
- Thank you.
- Right, okay.
Right.
That's right, everton! Put the eggs and the olive oil on the seat under everything else.
That way, by the time we get there, If we're lucky the mayonnaise will have made itself.
Moron.
- Excuse me, sorry.
If I could- - Certainly.
No, my bag.
Oh, my bag.
We have paid for this seat, you know.
- It's not as if we're hogging all the luggage space.
- No, no.
It's not as if we've commandeered the whole cabin for ourselves.
- No, right.
- Thank you very much.
This is important.
- Yes.
- Just come through here.
Fine, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Very patient.
Thank you very much.
Can we just- Thank you.
- Won't be long.
- No.
- No pressure at all for the clean down.
- Yes, Chef.
- Hello, roast beef.
- No, not here, mate.
- Try another kitchen.
- What you cook, roast beef? You have to start boiling your vegetables now Or they won't be soggy and tasteless in time.
- Who's roast beef? - We are.
What did you do? Le great boeuf with the soft cabbage And the rice pudding with the nice lumps? They call us roast beef like we call them fro- Everton, do not stoop to their level.
- Wine sauce? - That's right.
Hmmm.
But what is this wine? I'm sure you've heard of it.
It's an alcoholic drink Made with fermented grapes.
But you must use the ingredients anglaise, monsieur.
It is english, monsieur.
What is english? Having a spot of bother with the old second tongue, eh? It is english wine.
C'est pas possible.
C'est incroyable.
- Vin d'angleterre? - That's right.
vin d'angleterre? Le vin roast beef.
My friend, you have won this contest already.
No one else has this great advantage.
Le vin d'angleterre.
- What was that all about? - Psyching us out, everton.
Bit of sledging, the evil eye.
There'll be lots more of it.
In different forms I shouldn't wonder.
Shall we do some work? - Chef.
- Chop chop.
Rhubarb, please.
- Stocks.
- Mr.
Blackstock? - Yes.
- Marcel duchamp.
How do you do? - How do you do? - I have eaten at your restaurant a few times - And I enjoyed it very much.
- Good, thank you.
It is unusual to find Cooking like yours in england.
Forgive me.
I do not mean to be offensive.
- No, no, no.
- So, what will you do for the contest? Trout in jelly, partridge in white wine sauce- - Oh, what wine? - Chiltern valley.
Oh, english wine.
Of course.
- Do we have backup? - Another bottle, Chef.
- Okay, would you? - Merci, monsieur, oui.
- And, your pudding? - Bread and butter In a terrine with a rhubarb sauce And a julienne of blanched rhubarb.
- You will win, monsieur.
- Well- This is very nice.
Very nice.
Sante.
- Chef.
- Oh no.
But I haven't said anything yet, Chef.
Everton, you're a tragic loss to the english stage.
Chef is a small monosyllabic word, brief in duration.
And yet in this tiny utterance you manage To effortlessly convey an infinity of foreboding.
- What has gone wrong? - Well - remember when we were at le chateau? - No, no, no, no.
- No? - No, see, this isn't "once upon a time.
" Don't do "long ago in a land far away" Or "the mole had been working very hard all morning.
" Etch out all scene setting, cut to the bottom line, Particularize this disaster for me promptly.
Go for tough love, it's kinder.
- That english wine we brought- - Yes? - The backup bottle.
- Oh no.
We didn't bring it.
I don't know how that happened, Chef.
Flowers, or shall we send money to charity? Burial or cremation? I think the wishes of the departed should be respected.
- I don't understand how it happened.
- No.
You see, I remember putting it in this box.
Everton, can we now consider how we are going to rectify this omission? The time for postmortem allocation of blame And the execution of painful and inhuman punishment is for later.
- Perhaps we can get some here? - Here? They must have wine shops.
- We're in the heart of france.
- Yes.
The amount of english wine the french import is remarkably small.
- Still- - Can you buy japanese whiskey in tanguay? Morecombe bay sand in rio? Sausage and brown ale pizza in napoli? - It's worth a try.
- No, it isn't! Everton! Come on, come on.
Donald, hi, Chef.
Put my wife on the phone, please.
Oh god.
All right, put alphonse on.
What's he doing with his cousin in osworth street? He's my sommelier.
Day off? Yes, of course, day off.
Right.
Well look, go down into the cellar, Get me two more bottles of the english wine.
Don't you start! Yes, english wine.
I don't know exactly, somewhere.
Chiltern valley old luxter's.
Find it and I'll call you back.
We brought this wine, I just know it.
That's what I'm telling you.
- Three ticks.
I checked it three times.
- So did I, look.
- Gaston nicked it.
- We've been nobbled.
What are we gonna do? Hello? Great, can you hang on a minute? There's been a bit of an emergency.
Chef, it's mrs.
Blackstock.
She's at the airport.
Okay, it's all right.
There's no sweat.
The wine, it's been nicked.
It's okay, you're a plane in hand.
Go back, get some more wine.
Two bottles will be fine.
Alphonse is in osworth street.
Chiltern valley, old luxter's.
We are a bit pushed because I would have liked the wine as soon as you came.
Now you're going to be late but that can't be helped.
We'll manage somehow.
Don't worry, but we are in a hurry.
When you get to lyons tell the cabdriver to hurry.
That's depechez vous and vite vite and it'll all be okay.
No need to panic.
See you soon.
Excellent.
Uh-Huh.
See you soon.
She- She's got the wine.
She won't even be late.
She's got a complete backup set.
She said it was so important, It wasn't worth taking any chances.
That's my wife.
The one I married.
The one with the brain.
30 minutes, please.
It was amazing.
You were absolutely wonderful.
Imagine thinking of that- A complete backup set.
Well, you saved the day.
And we owe it all to you.
Fine.
Now you just concentrate on the cooking now.
Janice, I am so grateful to you.
We were screwed and you had it covered.
God, I'll never forget it.
- Jolly good.
- I mean, there we were- I've given this some thought.
I've had time since you've been going on.
I've decided that on balance I prefer it When you take me completely for granted and treat me like an infantile moron.
It's the comfort of the familiar.
You understand? - No, we were screwed- - I'll leave you to it.
Good luck.
10 minutes, please.
Hello, roast beefs! I want to learn how you are making le gravy.
Ah, bisto.
I want to know how you add the hot water to the powder.
I know this is the secret.
Gaston, Well able to give you le boot, okay? But monsieur, I must come here To learn all the great english secrets.
We want to have all your famous dishes here as well.
You must not be selfish.
Gaston, if you don't hop it tout de suite, I will frappe votre teeth so far down votre gorge You'll be able to manger avec your derriere As well as parleying out of it.
Comprennez-Vous? I bet he did nick the wine.
Complete backup.
You are absolutely incredible.
You've covered everything.
I've never known- Gareth, just put the hat on.
There's a good chap.
Double nooky from now on, guaranteed.
Twice a year? Now look- Marcel duchamp, france.
Gareth Blackstock, angleterre.
Deuxieme? Second? I don't do deuxieme.
Who's premiere? Premiere, gaston le brasse, france.
Second's good, Chef.
They're not going to give a roast beef premiere.
Gaston.
Lars tretternstern, norvege.
Give me strength.
A norwegian.
Don't be prejudiced, Chef.
Deuxieme, Gareth Blackstock, angleterre.
What is this? Monsieur deuxieme, me? What's going on? Premiere, otto poirot, belgique.
Poirot? They're giving prizes to bloody detectives now? Second! Gareth Blackstock, angleterre.
Troisieme? Not even a second, a bloody third? Deuxieme, Tatjana benincasa, italie.
No, no, no, no.
Deuxieme is my place.
You've got it wrong.
Premiere, otto wiesen, suisse.
Mr.
Two and mr.
Bloody three.
What a waste of time.
- Gareth Blackstock.
- What? Blimey, Chef, you won the contest.
The frogs are voting a roast beef best cook.
They must be dead prejudiced.
Roast beef, I'm here to congratulate you.
Most kind, gaston.
I know you did your best to make sure We couldn't win.
Hope you're not too disappointed I come to give you this hat.
We do the swap, yes? Like the footballers.
I want to change my hat for the winner's hat.
I have written something here.
Hmm, "well done, le duke of wellington.
Your old ami, gaston.
" I think you've already had something of mine, have you not? - Quoi? - Never mind.
Ah, here we are.
And here is a little present I've been keeping for you.
- For me? - Hope you like it.
It's quite difficult to get hold of in france.
serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession serious serious profession.
Sync and Corrections by Diplomatic