Children Ruin Everything (2022) s01e02 Episode Script


The body is a miracle.
You work it, it gets stronger.
You hurt it, it repairs itself.
I launched two babies from this body and I'm still truckin'.
Unfortunately, kids bodies are miracles too.
Viv, there's no Jell-O in that box.
It's literally just powder.
Viv! Viv.
Get back here.
Stronger, tireless miracles.
Sure, I still get bursts of activity.
But I wouldn't exactly call it exercise.
- I'm hungry.
- I know! - What? - I hurt my neck.
By turning my head.
Can I have some grapes? My body used to be a temple.
Now it's a jungle gym.
Thanks for stopping by.
Yeah, no, I mean, you sent me a text with a knife emoji saying I had to.
And you did.
Because you're reliable.
And that's the kind of guy that I want by my side when the corporate bloodbath begins and a new bigwig rises amid the chaos.
I don't love visualizing like a bath full of blood, it's jus You get a stronger tummy, James.
Gero's Grocery is opening four new franchises.
That means opportunity's afoot and you are my top guy.
Oh! Okay.
Which brings me to why you're here.
How you're dressed.
- You're dressed like a dad.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, Marla.
I just had one clean shirt left today and my son was making this thing where he mixes butter with hot chocolate powder for like a gross bagel spread.
I don't need the podcast on your life, James.
Next week, there is a groundbreaking for the newest franchise.
You and your wife are gonna be there to meet Mr.
I mean, I'll have to check to see if she can make that, but Sure.
Doesn't have to be the real wife, but sure.
I'm gonna try for my real wife.
I need him to love you, James.
I need him to see that youngish go-getter that I've described.
I might have to bring my daughter.
God, no.
Kids are career killers.
I want him to think that your only focus is this company.
So, no kids, and wear something not so Okay.
Yeah, no, no.
I got it.
So Astrid? Does this shirt look backwards? Maybe.
Where's the tag? There isn't one.
That's stupid.
Why'd you buy such a stupid shirt? Bo made it for me.
And that's how it's supposed to look? Yeah.
Yeah, that still looks backwards.
I can't go in like this.
Do you have just a plain silk blouse I could borrow? Um, I have a hooded fleece you can borrow.
I'm not gonna choose a worse problem.
Why are you moving like that? I hurt my neck because I'm out of shape.
Didn't realize I was supposed to consult a physician before turning my head! You should book a session with Pascale.
He's the fitness trainer I offer in all my severance packages.
Just because you're letting them go doesn't mean they need to let themselves go.
Better they work their frustrations out in a gym than turn a gun on me or my family.
- Hey, Vivian.
- Hi.
Cute bra.
You know what? I don't need a trainer.
I'm naturally athletic.
I was captain of the fields hockey team.
Because you were a bully.
You were all bullies.
No, I wasn't! I was a beast who could chase people down and hurt them in ways that seem like an accident, within the rules.
I'm complicit.
I cheered at every game.
Cheered? You screamed like a witch on fire.
I hate losing.
I'm sending you Pascale's number just in case.
You know what? Screw it.
I'll just own it.
I'll make a joke like, "Hey guys.
Didn't you get the memo? It's bizarre shirt day.
" Hilarious.
Then you just fire everybody.
HR doesn't just fire people.
I also resolve conflicts, enact programs to support and further develop talent.
Yeah, I do the same thing here but also laundry and story-time.
You are amazing.
Look at me.
Still cheering for you.
But I should go.
Today I am firing someone.
Toodles! Where's the duffel bag full of bootleg DVDs that goes with that outfit? Why's everyone so offended by my hoodie? This is supposed to be a professional environment Really? What did Marla want? To show you pictures of her scorpion? No.
I'm supposed to meet Mr.
She wants me to stop dressing like a dad.
Put the knife down, Marla.
I am a dad.
Yeah, but to say that you dress like one, that's There are billions of dads.
We don't all dress the same.
There's billions of fathers.
You are a dad.
With a dad haircut.
And a dad outfit with dad pockets.
How much stuff you got in your pockets right now? It's regul It's pockets! I don't know.
Keys, wallet.
Regular pocket stuff.
Look, lip balm.
Phone, doll's head.
Pockets are for carrying.
What's the problem? There's no problem.
Dads dress like you.
Cool people dress like me.
And Jeff Goldblum.
When I meet Mr.
Gero, I will be dressed nice and have empty pockets.
Okay? I can put together a few nice pieces.
Pieces? Like what? Cummerbund and a Tilley hat? Yeah? Where do you go to buy clothes that's so great? And can you take me there and help me choose them, please? Okay.
You can watch two episodes of Scoop McDooby but that's it, okay? Mommy's gonna workout.
I'm covered in snakes! Fun.
But I need those.
Those are my resistance bands.
- You can use them after me.
- You could use them after me.
Oh, my God! A dead mouse! Oh, my God! Snakes! - Do I look like a dad to you? - No.
You look like husband to me because I don't have those issues.
I love how well-adjusted you are.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Um, Felix starts baseball this weekend and we still haven't paid.
It's also three-mortgage- payment month.
And I also wanna hire Dawn's trainer so I can get strong enough to caber toss Viv into the neighbor's yard.
God, I also need work clothes.
Let me consult the budget.
We used to spend it all on ourselves.
So nice.
But kids are crazy expensive.
We try to follow a budget but our selfish kids wanna eat, take lessons and have clothes.
There are surprises.
Like a raccoon family moves into your roof, or your car needs new everything.
So you have to make sacrifices, be creative and frugal.
Or, another great option, go into debt.
I think I got it.
We're gonna have to cut cable.
I cut cable months ago.
Did not notice that.
So, good call.
How much does it cost to get swole? Only a couple of sessions.
So 150 tops.
Does Viv need to eat lunch everyday? Yes.
She also asked for a horse.
- For lunch? - To ride.
- Mm.
I'm a hard no on that one.
- Yeah.
Why don't we put your clothes and the trainer on the credit card and then worry about that next month? You know you are a genius.
Thank you, credit card.
All right.
Kids! Food's ready, let's eat! And four, and three Two more, and rest.
Yeah! That's good.
That's hard.
That's hard.
I feel it but I I can feel my muscles waking up.
Yes, because you are a powerful goddess.
The storm is over.
Blue skies are ahead.
- That's a bit much, but yeah.
- It was great.
I mean, you lost your job but not your motivation.
No, no.
No, I didn't lose my job.
I'm Dawn's sister.
It's interesting.
I have to say I'm a little self-conscious doing this in front of all these people.
It's like we're busking.
Don't worry.
Everyone's looking at me.
But, you are killing it.
Can't believe you had two kids.
Well, I actually feel like I've never loved my body more than when I was pregnant.
Well, pregnant bodies make me low-key sick.
- But, you're doing good.
- Okay.
- Let's do squats.
- Okay.
- You're ready? - Yup.
No, yeah.
Yeah, yeah yeah.
I used to play a lot of field hockey.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Well then, we'll see how far you can push it.
- Okay.
- Now give me some sumo squats.
Spread 'em wide, mama.
Let's go.
- Let's go! - Let's go! - You are a powerful goddess.
- Okay.
Dig deep.
- Oh! Yeah! - Yeah! Oh, no! Oh, no, no.
I just peed.
Then you dug a little too deep.
Oh, God! Oh! What? No.
- Astrid.
- Yes, come in.
I have a plant for you to have.
That's gonna die and then just be a bowl of dirt that makes me feel guilty.
I'll just leave it here.
So how are you? Good.
Yeah, good.
Pascale told me you peed your pants.
Could you kindly tell Pascale to shut the hell up? That was so humiliating for me.
Hey, it's me.
I love you no matter where you pee.
Pants, toilet, the parking lot at Canada's Wonderland while we missed the fireworks.
Oh, my God! I held my pee for the entire day.
The roller coaster, the drop tower.
Now I'll probably leak going through the turnstile.
It's natural.
You had two kids.
The last one left the barn door open and warped the frame.
So, do you think this is gonna happen again? - I don't know.
- Oh, my God! You could try those cute period underwear.
Like adult pull ups.
Wow, okay.
Thanks, Dawn.
I need you to be supportive and you're telling me to wear diaper and referring to my junk as a barn.
I'm sorry.
You know what? Go get checked up.
I have this great OB-GYN on Ossington.
She is a pelvic floor specialist.
I'll text you her number.
No, I don't wanna tell anyone else about this.
I'd like to keep my dignity and just let this quietly haunt me for the rest of my life.
She is very good, and if nothing else, maybe she can put your mind at ease.
- Nice purse.
- Bo's been busy.
His Etsy shop is starting to blow-up.
Call her.
Love you.
We can share them, but I want my whole cookie.
Daddy, where are we? Wow.
This is Phase, Felix.
It's an upscale men's store.
Normally someone like you wouldn't be allowed in here but then again, neither would your father.
These are straight outta the dryer.
Uncle Ennis, watch.
Is that good? James, could she not do that before? I thought it was great, Wonder Girl.
Is this good, Uncle Ennis? A jump.
Watch me take this step.
Hey, did you ask them to call me Uncle Ennis? Because I do not like it.
What's the matter? It's adorable.
No, it isn't.
I am not related to any kids and I like that about me.
Can I help you? Yes.
No, I don't know.
Uh, my friend James here just got out of prison and he is raring to go and ready to re-acclimate into society.
No, no.
I am not I'm from society, I was never in jail.
Although we don't judge the incarcerated.
System's broken.
Can I help you find anything in particular? I was I'm looking for a nice shirt.
- A little purse.
- I'm thirsty.
Where you go Okay.
Let's just put that Do they have to be in here? Yes, they have to be.
Come on.
I need your help.
I don't have a time machine and a vasectomy gun.
So, there's only so much I can do.
But I can help you with the clothes.
We're looking for something that says "professional but fashion forward.
" Something that says "I have in no way given up on life.
" Perfect.
Let me find you a few items.
Thank you.
What do you think about her, Felix? She seems like a nice teenager.
Solid reprimand.
That is You are now my favorite, officially.
Viv, step up your game a little bit.
What are you doing back there? Nothing.
So, you are having pee problems? Yeah, I guess I've had the occasional dribble if I've sneezed hard or I re-watch Baby Mama.
You know that movie? Baby Mama? Of course, I know that movie.
But you know my youngest is four, so I just figured that all my all my stuff had snapped back.
- No.
- Okay.
- Alley-oop! - Cool.
- And just relax for me.
- Okay.
I'd like you to try kegel for me.
Okay, sure.
- Go ahead.
- I'm doing it.
- Am I not doing it? - Let's try this.
When I hold up one finger, I want you to squeeze your vagina.
When I hold up two fingers, tighten your anus but not your bum.
Three fingers, contract your urethra.
- Okay? - Sure.
Should I also wiggle my liver and move my spleen up and down? - Nope.
- Okay.
- Nope.
- Ow.
- Good.
- Okay.
- No.
- Oh.
I am.
- No.
- This feedback is devastating.
Your pelvic floor continued to atrophy since your last child.
I'll give you some exercises to do everyday and in time you'll regain muscle tone.
'Cause wha 'Cause we were thinking about maybe having another baby.
It would take a lot of work to get back to where you are now.
Sluggish clenching, feeble sphincters.
You need to train everyday like an athlete.
Actually, I am an athlete.
Big field hockey star in high school.
So Do you mind if I just stay here for a few minutes.
It's nice to lie down.
What are you I'm doing kegel workout.
- Right now? - Yeah, I'm almost done.
Supposed to imagine I'm picking up pearls with my urethra.
You'd make a heck of a jewel thief.
Don't make me laugh.
What did you do? I made a terrible decision about work clothes.
Oh, nice.
How much? Mm.
Was that a wince or a really big pearl? One just flowed into the other.
I'm gonna return these.
No, it's fine.
We'll just carry a bit more debt.
I wanna start work in the fall.
Buy a yacht, it'd be great.
But how long will you be at work though if, you know, a baby happens? Depends how fast it happens.
We could start now.
So you're still in baby town? I am.
Where you at? I mean, how can we afford it? Well, Pascale said I didn't have to pay him because he made me piss my pants.
That's not the most reliable discount.
- I could make it work.
- It's not just the money.
'Cause we're finally getting time back for us.
For you to workout.
For me to shop better.
Did you not find something nice for that amount of money? - I panicked.
- What did you get? Red pants.
What? Red? Ennis said they popped.
I don't know what I'm supposed to like anymore.
Not things that pop.
I'm just This is my problem with having another kid.
I love our kids.
I just feel like I'm losing myself.
Um, honestly, well you've never been cool.
And I just find it irresistibly adorable.
You're doing your exercises right now, aren't you? You can feel that? Well, hello there.
Hi, Uncle Ennis.
I'm not responding to that.
Who is this handsome gentleman? It's Daddy.
Astrid, what do you think? Yeah, I like it.
You look like a king of the flight attendants.
Flight attendants get a lot of ass, so that's good.
James, why is your kid here? Uh, hi, Marla.
I've two kids.
This one refuses to stay with the sitter but also refused to get dressed.
- Okay.
Hi, Astrid.
- Marla.
This is a huge disaster.
Can we just pretend that she's with Ennis? Oh.
I don't think that's gonna work because I don't wanna do that.
This is a mess.
Just go home.
Gero can hate you.
Speak of the devil.
Marla, can we start? My shins are killing me.
James, meet the man who signs your checks.
Well, the checks are sweet, uh, thank you and - Just stop.
- Hello.
I've read emails about you.
James is our top dog.
This is his wife, Astrid.
She used to work with the City.
Her birthday is in March.
When is your birthday? Sadly, it's today.
- Yay.
Happy Birthday.
- Wow.
Just to circle back real quick.
Um I love the job first, then the checks.
So Hope that checks out! - Why are you doing this? - I don't know.
Anybody gonna introduce me or? No one Nanima got me new pajama.
Who is this? Oh.
This is our daughter Vivian.
Wish I wore my pajamas today.
Happy birthday.
Now, I wish I had a little girl.
See, I had a son.
- He's picking his acne.
- Oh.
Leave it alone, boy.
He's no fun.
- Too bad.
- Oh, too bad.
You're fun.
He has a kid.
I thought you said that Gero thought that kids were "career killers.
" No.
That's just my opinion.
Seems like your kid is in.
Let's exploit this.
Oh, oh.
No, no, no, sweetie.
It's okay.
That's just Baggie.
He's a mascot, he's fun.
He carries your food.
Inside of his body.
Which is actually weird if you think about it.
Hi, Mr.
I'm Ennis, by the way.
It's all right, sweetheart.
Don't worry about it.
You don't like Baggie.
Neither do I.
Go on.
Get out of here.
Baggie, nobody wants you here.
You scared my friend.
Looks like the photographer's ready.
It's show time.
Let's get Vivian and her parents in the shot.
- Oh.
- Come on, Vivian.
No, actually she doesn't go with strangers.
- There we go.
- Unless I'm right behind.
James, you're in the the pic.
You've breached the castle walls.
Thumbs up.
Ennis, Baggies council.
Go deal with him, okay.
Oh, is that what I'm here for? To deal with Baggie? All right everyone, are we ready? It looks like rain - Okay? - James.
- Mm.
- Your pants.
They're red.
- Yeah.
- Why? - Oh.
There she is.
Hi, Vivian.
- Hi.
Stand up straight, Nosferatu.
All right, everyone.
Are we ready? - I'll get her.
- No.
I will.
Oh, no! Oh, God.
That was incredible.
You're a beast.
I peed myself when I picked her up again.
All right.
On the count of three, everybody say "Gero's.
" One, two and three! Gero's.
So happy they gave me a framed photo of this.
Yeah, the red pants really draw the eye.
I hate it.
It's all I can see.
I'm never wearing them again.
No, you have to.
You paid too much for them.
Make 'em your Christmas pants.
And your Valentine's pants.
And your spaghetti pants.
I like those pants, Dad.
They look like blood.
Like your legs got all cut up and bloody.
- Mm.
- Yeah, that's pretty cool, right? I love your old pants.
Yeah, me too, sweetie.
I'm gonna put this in a drawer.
Hey, give that back! - Give that back! - She went that way.
She went that way.
Aha! Yes, I got it! And I have the money and you are nothing.
- Nothing.
- Hey! The body is a miracle.
You can handle so much pain.
Speak for yourself.
Even as you begin that phase in your life where hangovers lasts for days And you can pull a muscle in your back just by stretching you can still feel so much joy and pleasure.
So while it's easy to judge yourself for not being as strong as you were Or for looking like a dad.
Or, in my case, a DILF.
Oh, you're a total DILF.
Thank you.
You gotta follow your kids' examples.
They don't care what they look like.
And they think they're invincible.
More importantly, they think we're cool, strong and beautiful.
Until they're like eleven, so enjoy it.
I think we should take a little rest.
I wanna crush you some more! No, I think we're done crushing daddy.
Crush me, crush me.
You know what? You can crush your sister.
Okay? Gently.
- Upstairs.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God! My neck.
My neck.
I mean, you're gonna get critics.
There's gonna be people who don't like what you do.
I was a DJ.
You think everybody liked every song I played? You know what? Can I make a suggestion? Unsolicited advice? What about, like a, face? You know what I mean? Couple of eyes.
Even just a mouth would be really lightening up for people, you know.
Make you a bit more accessible.
Julian, what do you think? Yeah? A face would be nice, right? You get it.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode