Children Ruin Everything (2022) s01e03 Episode Script


1 Good morning.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I don't wanna, um, alarm you, but you have an eyelash.
Can you get it? Hmm.
- Oh! - Oh, my God! - JAMES: No, God! Oh, no! - ASTRID: Oh, my God.
How many clams does a walrus eat every day? - I do not like this brush.
- Stop.
- It's horrible - Okay.
- Come on, brush your teeth.
- 5,000 clams! - Okay, we're almost done now.
- VIV: Yes! ASTRID: Having kids means having a never-ending to-do list.
Sometimes the list is so long that you get wrapped up in it like it's an old-school phone cord.
JAMES: Or a noose.
ASTRID: That's why the number of intimate moments between you and your partner starts to go down, a nd I'm not just talking about sex.
Deep conversations.
Spontaneous dates.
- ASTRID: I already mentioned - JAMES: Gone.
Doing the crossword puzzle together while you look up answers on your phone.
- ASTRID: You saw that? - JAMES: Come on! ASTRID: Anyway, the intimacy in your relationship can take a back seat, as the number of repetitive, mind-numbing tasks go up.
Viv, come on.
Will you hold still for literally four seconds? - I'm almost done.
- What time is your meeting? 9:30, but I've to drop Viv off at my sister's first.
- Ow! You're pulling my hair! - You are pulling my patience.
What time is it? My God.
I gotta go.
I gotta get dressed.
Take this.
- Bye.
- JAMES: Okay.
Here it is, guys.
Come on, come on.
VIV: Go.
- [SPITS.]
- Oh! Sorry.
ASTRID: As the tasks pile up, the moments to connect dwindle.
JAMES: So you have to make them count.
Felix, you better not be reading a book.
How you feelin' about today? You excited? I'm nervous.
Haven't been in the office in four years, so I could do it myself.
ASTRID: Um, apparently, there's this big, new project they wanna catch me up on, so Hey, Felix.
Your bus is here.
Let's go.
So, like, when I go back in the fall, I can just JAMES: Your bag? You need your bag.
Come on.
Bye! Just Hey.
I miss you.
Um No.
I don't I don't have any.
Did you think, I said, "tissue"? You do it! 'Kay.
You look terrible.
So? You got glitter all over your face.
It's an unstoppable force.
What's going on with you? I had to end it with Penelope last night.
Oh, she seems smart and cool.
What happened? Mind games.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
She's in my head all the time.
You know, I'll just be thinking about her non-stop, and not even, like, "Ha, thinking.
" I'd be at the mall, and I'd see a candle, and I think, "Oh, Penelope would really like that.
" All right.
I don't think that's mind game.
This is super weird.
A couple of days ago, I almost got hit by a car on my way to work.
Like, two meters to the left, that would have been First thing I thought to do was call her.
It's like, "Get out of my head.
" It sounds like you're falling in love with her.
Well, something's going on.
Here, let me update my dating profiles and drown myself in women.
Don't be afraid to fall in love, pal.
It's really great.
Oh, yeah? Are you and Astrid still in love? - Yes.
- Really? - Crusher.
- Hmm? - Is that That's me? - Hell yes, it is.
You have been crushing this expansion.
Me too.
We're both Crusher.
Hey, Ennis.
That's my regular name.
I know what that means.
Now, James, I'm gonna need you to take over call with a group of potential franchisees on the West Coast, 3:00 p.
, Pacific Time.
So, six? 6:00 p.
our time.
You've something else going on then? Just my family.
Exactly! Let me know how it goes.
ENNIS: Well, Crusher.
Hey, take me with you when you climb the corporate ladder.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, if he gives me a raise, I'll do whatever.
Maybe some summer we can send the kids away to a camp, and Astrid and I can finally finish our conversation.
Sounds like somebody is playing mind games with you.
- DAWN: Oh, hey! Viv's upstairs with Corey.
He's just teaching her some basics on the theremin.
- A theremin? - Mm-hmm.
Hey, what is that? Is it like a like a spooky TV antenna, or It's the only instrument you can play without touching.
That's how I sound when I haven't been touched in a while.
Anyway, how's the, uh vow renewal party planning going? Super.
The catering's all set, and Bo is just putting the finishing touches - On the commitment arch.
- Oh.
- Oh, how was the meeting? - I don't know.
The reception area looks like a spa.
Everybody's 25, and the only person I recognized besides Chuck is Bubblegum.
That's a person? Yeah, she used to do the Starbucks run.
Now she's a chief project planner who will not respond to Bubblegum.
People change and grow.
You know, I used to hate leaving my desk, and now my job takes me all around the world.
So you can fire people.
Someone has to, Astrid.
People don't volunteer to leave when they've performed poorly or there's a downturn in the market.
Well, my job is gonna be completely different.
They have changed all our graph software to this, like, crazy new AloGa? Yes, Corey mastered it at coding camp last summer.
Well, it just seems like a lot to learn, and I'm just I'm worried my brain doesn't work in the same way as it did.
Oh, I think they'd be lucky to have you.
What does James say? I, uh I haven't have chance to talk to him about it yet.
DAWN: It's always good to share your feelings.
You know, sometimes Bo writes his fears on a napkin, and leaves it in my purse for me to find.
We need our napkins for spills, and sometimes as toilet paper.
Got your text.
They only had two percent.
Hello? ASTRID: In here.
Uh-oh, kids finally break you? You drop 'em off at the fire station? [SIGHS.]
They're upstairs watching an unboxing video.
I just needed for no one to be talking to me, or touching me, or asking me for juice.
Guess I'll get my own juice then.
Do you wanna swap the juice for beer? Help me make dinner? Uh-huh.
How did it go with Chuck? [BOTH GRUNT.]
The city might be hosting some of the World Cup games, and, so, obviously, they're not ready.
- Oh! Leave me alone.
Not you.
I - I've a work call.
- Right now? Yeah.
I gotta talk to the Vancouver people.
I gotta dominate them, or I'm in trouble, I guess.
I'm so sorry.
FELIX: Mom, the algorithm is getting weird.
Felix is finally asleep.
You wanna split that last beer? Um, you help your son snooze, you lose.
Ah! 'Kay.
I got consolation breakfast.
I wanna hear everything about today.
Bubblegum still say, "Chai Tea" or she moved on to coffee? Yeah, as much as I wanna vent about Bubblegum, I I have to learn AloGa.
- I don't know what that means.
- It's ugly and stupid.
Sounds fun.
You know what we should do? We should, um, take a little break and catch up on Project Runway.
Okay, no.
Can you stop distracting me? You have a real pop-up ad energy right now.
I just I just wanna hang out with you.
I know.
I wanna hang out, too, but I have to learn this if I wanna keep up with the 20 year olds and 50 year olds.
Okay, okay.
But Saturday, we are gonna do some "us" time.
We have Dawn and Bo's vow thing.
VIV: Daddy! My doll's looking at me.
All right.
Well See you when we retire.
MARLA: Insubordination cannot and will not be tolerated in this organization.
If Mississauga branch won't take down their Easter display, we will take it down for 'em.
It is a little late for Easter.
Okay, did they think we're not watching? Keeping track, writing down names when the time comes.
- Time comes for what exactly? - This is a goddamn rebellion.
Crusher, crush this.
I'm on it.
I'm gonna send email worded so strongly, it eviscerates all traces of Easter.
Those decorations won't have a Second Coming.
That's a really good joke, Marla.
It's great.
Okay, clean this up.
Why is it that Marla doesn't seem to notice or care that you are on your phone all day? Hey, people use their phones for work all the time.
- You ever hear of Slack? - Are you on Slack? No.
This is a dating thing.
High Bidder.
You bid against other users for potential dates.
It's like an auction for attention.
I lost a bunch of money when they got hacked.
But they fixed it.
- Dude, that sounds horrifying.
- No, no, no.
It's exciting.
See, you gotta be strategic.
You can't just bid on every girl or you run out of Bid-bucks.
Plus, of course, you get the Platinum membership, and then Oh, oh, oh! Come on! - I gotta bid on Zoey.
Damn it! - [PHONE VIBRATES.]
Who the hell is "hogsalad98"? [SIGHS.]
Life is short.
You gotta take your shot before it's too late.
Where are you going? Hey, Marla.
I'm gonna tear a strip off of this guy in person.
Crusher, Crusher.
Don't take any egg-scuses.
Easter eggs.
Yep, yep.
- That's good too, Marla.
- I didn't ask you.
NARRATOR: Then, in October, Morrow, Vic left his chilling message - Hello.
- on Debany's phone.
PERSON: I have your finger, but it's not there anymore.
So I'm gonna get another one very soon [SCREAMING.]
God! What is wrong with you? Why would you do that? I was trying to surprise you.
I wanted to get some alone time with you.
VIV: What did you do to Mommy? - Huh? Oh! - [SCREAMS, SNIFFLING.]
Oh, my What is she doing home? I thought she was supposed to be with your mom.
Mom canceled, because she got bit by a cat.
What are you doing with earbuds in? I could've been a murderer.
I got an eye on her.
What's a murder? Oh! That's a tough one.
Ah Let me start here James, go upstairs and get changed.
Okay, yes.
Okay, okay.
- Oh.
- Forgot the toilet paper.
VIV: Got you, Daddy.
Oh, there she is.
Oh, gosh! You bring me down, breaking me down - [GRUNTS.]
Do it again.
Do it again.
You do me now.
Who wants pancakes? I'm not hungry.
Pancakes are gross.
I want waffles.
Well, I wanna take a shower without one of you opening the bathroom door, but here we are.
- Knock, knock.
- Nanima! buddy! Oh, don't you look like a pretty princess today, Viv.
She also looks strong, and healthy.
And sparkly, like a little treasure.
Mom, to what do we owe this drop in? Well, I was hoping I could borrow the rugrats for the afternoon.
My friend, Graham, who helped me with my cat bite, mentioned that his church is having a funfair, and Well, I can't go alone.
What kinda church are we talking about? They had a float in the Pride Parade.
It's all very woke.
Honestly, I don't care if it's a death cult singalong.
Take them, keep them till Dawn's thing.
We could really use the alone time.
Oh! Oh, okay, okay! Gotcha.
Okay, kids! Let's get you upstairs, and get dressed up.
We are going to confession.
Uh Uh, kidding.
You guys relax and enjoy yourselves.
Light some candles, have a bath.
Mum, we don't need instructions.
All right, kids.
Come on.
Let's go.
Oh, just wait till we're gone before you have the "adult nap.
" - ASTRID: Oh, my God.
- Okay, kids.
Can I get a "Praise Jesus"? ASTRID: When you have young kids, you take time for yourself wherever you can.
You hide out in the bathroom.
You let them watch a little more TV.
JAMES: Sometimes when I take the recycling out, I kinda just stand there for a minute.
- ASTRID: That sounds nice.
- JAMES: Oh, the best.
ASTRID: When you suddenly come into hours of unplanned free time, it can be super stressful deciding what to do with it.
JAMES: Yeah.
You don't wanna waste your free time, so you panic and just start doing stuff.
Well, this place looks a little bit less disgusting.
- Hmm.
- What should we do? Hmm.
This is your opening moves? - Music? - Oh, yeah, that would be nice.
Okay, what are we looking at here? You want like a Taylor Swift situation, or like a Cardi B vibe? [MUMBLES.]
Is there someone in the middle? Oh.
Pink? I don't know.
That feels wrong.
That's an interesting question.
It's kind of - like a thought experiment.
- James.
Hmm? Yes.
Sorry, I just, I want this to be perfect, but also, who cares? Drum and bass.
One more, just a quick question.
Did you happen to bring that spoon up here? By any chance? Mm.
Oh! Oh, wow! Wow, wow, wow.
That was so, so ooh, so good.
So good.
Oh! - James? - [CLEARS THROAT.]
My love? Was that well - Did you? - Have my mind blown? Yes.
Yeah, that was so so good.
Did you just fake that orgasm? What are you talking about? I can feel things, you know.
Or not, as the case might be.
Okay, here's what probably happened.
I've been practicing a lot of self-love - Oh.
- recently, and that's [STAMMERS.]
It reduces the, um output.
That must be it.
When were you doing that? When you were washing the dishes or driving to work? No.
Oh, um Fine.
I was faking it.
- Yes, I know.
- Well [EXCLAIMS.]
Your face, your face.
You look like you are somewhere else.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I was distracted.
I I got that work text, - And then it got in my head.
- It's my fault.
I should have had a playlist queued up.
No, no.
Well Drum and bass is very demanding but, no.
I just honestly, I can't I can't stop worrying about work.
- That's normal.
It's fine.
- No.
I feel like I'm not ready.
I feel like I'm not Like I'm not cut out for it anymore.
Look, as someone who works in an office, trust me, nobody is cut out for it.
You are gonna be fine.
Ah! I know I'm gonna be fine.
I'm just saying to you that I'm intimidated to go back.
You'll be amazing.
You could do anything.
What is it? What are you doing? What are you, like, one of Viv's T-shirts? You're just saying that because you don't wanna change the plan.
Two incomes is a good plan.
- That's all.
- Because you think that me going back means that we won't have another baby.
Like, I can't do both.
God, we have to talk about this now.
Come on.
Do we have a bottle of wine to take to Dawn and Bo's thing? No.
I'm sure we'll find something.
So this is the theremin.
This controls the volume.
You can also use this to control the volume.
Well, I hope you two had a productive afternoon.
I'm gonna go annoy my kids.
Oh, please! Who bought the chintzy Irish cream? Who knows? You look beautiful.
Ah! Thank you.
PERSON: Kids, be careful with that.
Okay? DAWN: Thank you.
Thank you for being with us, as Bo and I celebrate our 11th trip around the sun together.
BO: As we do every year, I'd like to recommit to the vows we pledged 11 years ago.
I'd also like to add some amendments.
DAWN: Oh! Hey, hey.
Easy with the creampuffs.
- Here, take this.
- Yuck.
In sickness and in health, yes.
But also, in home renovation purgatory.
DAWN: But what is 11 except a couple of "ones" who decided to stick together.
A harbor in a storm ♪ A doorway in an earthquake ♪ A helicopter in a volcanic eruption ♪ - A panic room ♪ - Oh, my God! [DAWN LAUGHS.]
Most of you haven't aged a day since the wedding.
Except, of course, our ring-bearer, Charlotte.
BO: Dawn, I know that come what may, I can never really die, as long as I've your love and support, and your paella.
Damn it, Bo.
Why do I let you go first every year? You did it again.
Ah! I'm a mess.
I love you.
And I love our sensible sex life.
- Cheers! - Cheers! Om mani padme hum, Nisha.
Corey's about to start his theremining.
Saw the set list.
It got a song called "A Tear with Three Sides.
" Should've called it "Cry-angle.
" Mm-hmm.
I'd love to hear why you're intimidated to go back to work.
What if I've been out of the data-analyst game too long and I suck, and it confirms that I'm only good at being a mom? Hmm.
You might suck.
You might make a pie-chart so bad it kills thousands.
Why would I have egg on my face? But you also might regret not giving it a shot.
You love that job.
Yeah, I know.
And I know that I'm supposed to want to go back, and that's why I feel guilty for also stupidly wanting this baby.
It's not stupid.
It's nuts, but it's not stupid.
Trust me.
Being a great mother is not nothing.
I grew up with my mum yelling at me over Y&R.
No! I can't even imagine your mum shouting.
You've never gotten between her and her stories.
- Oh.
Is that a theremin? - [LAUGHS.]
Is that what a theremin sounds like? Yes.
- It's like a drunk radio.
- Yeah.
Like a mosquito trying to hypnotize you.
The kid is so weird.
- ASTRID: Good night, Viv.
- JAMES: Good night, Felix.
ASTRID: It's hard to stay connected when the focus of your relationship goes from one another to trying to keep your new tiny humans alive.
But you need to keep making time for those moments where you can.
Oh, my Shh.
JAMES: And that doesn't mean just sex.
It could be any kind of connection.
A look, a conversation.
ASTRID: Or a pretty freaking sweet romp-in-the-hay that you sneak in on a party without anyone knowing.
JAMES: About that I think they may figure it out.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Thank you.
Don't look at me.
That's a mouthful of cheese.
Bring 'em on.
- How'd you like that? - Mm-hmm.
It's gonna take me a second.

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