Children Ruin Everything (2022) s01e04 Episode Script


He's coming.
Are you playing games on my phone? - I don't think I was.
- Mm-hmm.
Stop picking on Felix! I'm not picking on Felix.
I want him to tell me the truth.
Let's go, Felix.
What's going on with you? I mean, I told you not to play on my phone.
The second my back's turned and I'm cleaning the kitchen, you take my phone.
I smell chocolate.
Did you have chocolate? ASTRID: When you have kids, your relationship with lying changes.
They're not ready for every truth.
This is chocolate-scented cleaning spray.
ASTRID: Sometimes, it's just easier to lie, because they're so gullible.
JAMES : And because it's so useful.
You lie so that they hate you, or to avoid a fight.
Or because life is harsh enough.
Listen, buddy, you gotta be honest with me.
'Cause there's gonna be times where telling me the truth is gonna save your life.
Like what? No, you got nightmares from watching Ponyo.
I'm not gonna start listing all the ways you could die.
Just tell me the truth.
- Always.
- Okay.
I like it better when Mom puts me to bed.
Was that so hard? [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Ah! I missed you guys! I made this one.
Felix and me.
That's beautiful.
We saw a skunk in the backyard, and we named him Fart Captain.
Uh, we? I named him Fart Captain.
- I have a wiggly tooth.
- What? No, you gotta keep that in.
I wanna be there when the Tooth Fairy comes.
Okay, speaking of teeth, let's brush ours.
- Right? Say goodbye to Mommy.
- Bye, Mommy.
- FELIX: Bye, Mommy.
- Bye.
- Okay, let's go.
- I'll be back from work training tomorrow night.
Hey! Hey, remember me! So, tell me, how's the preview of your new job? Yesterday, I was all, "The analytics modeling for waste management doesn't allow for the city's growth from now to 2026, dummies!" Sounds like you're crushing it.
And maybe being a bit mean.
Yeah, it's a real, um, "cool girl back of the class" vibe that I'm cultivating.
Everybody loves it! So, um I think Felix is done with the Tooth Fairy.
How could you let that happen? I don't know what to tell you.
He knows his teeth are worthless.
But if we don't get in front of it, I think he's gonna tell Viv.
Okay, well, I wanna be there for that conversation.
- That's huge.
- I agree.
When you get back, we'll take him out for ice cream, maybe on a long drive.
Sounds like we're having him put down.
We'll see.
Everything's on the table.
- VIV: Daddy! - Okay.
Bye, my love.
Gotta go.
She's not happy, huh? I'm so sorry, she's teething.
No, don't be sorry.
We all need teeth.
You know, if you If you leave that spoon in ice water for a bit, it'll feel really good on her gums.
Hot tip.
Cold tip.
You've done this before.
Two times.
Maybe three, but, you know, life's so busy already, but I just, when I see a baby, I just, I love you, I love you! [LAUGHS.]
Um, let me get you some ice water.
You stay here.
Hmm, good, good.
I needed a bigger terrarium for my scorpion.
They grow up so fast.
Am I early for a meeting? Blowing past the small talk and getting down to business, good! [CHUCKLES.]
Let's do our jobs! Okay.
Jeff Trombley, Gero's Grocery, VP of Operations, is dead.
Oh, my God! He bought me a muffin once.
I never really thanked him.
- I mean, retiring.
- I see.
So, people either work here or they're dead.
His absence has created a gaping leadership hole.
And we are jumping into that hole, James.
I have suggested that you become Regional Manager for our four new locations, while Trombley's successor is found.
Okay, what does that mean? Do I get Is that a raise? Do I get a raise? [GASPS.]
Do you hear that sound, James? I just scratched your back.
It's not my favorite sound, but I'm very grateful.
- I need a favor.
- Yes.
Currently, we are opening four new franchises.
But what if it were five? Yes, any fool could see that that's more, but how do we? How? I need you to figure out the distribution logistics for a potential franchise in Gatineau for Monday morning.
Mon Okay, today is Friday.
So, you have two days.
Scratch my back, James.
- [SIGHS.]
Would you drink a gin cocktail out of a can? Depends how it got in there.
My cousin is marketing these.
They're called Gin Destructible.
All the names are dad jokes.
You got Cruel Gintentions, Five Star Gineral Why do dads have to take the hit for puns? Why can't it be sportscasters and weathermen? They're the dads of the broadcast world.
I can't deal with this right now.
Marla is making me Regional Manager.
It's a lot of extra work.
Hey, you're moving up! Wait, wait, d-don't leave me here alone, okay? Who am I gonna talk to? Simon? I don't even know if his name is Simon.
We've just been calling him Simon.
Hey, Simon! I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm just trying to build a career, I guess.
To make some extra cash.
Well, you're a real Ginspiration.
Hey, I'm emailing that to my cousin.
Let me ask you something.
When did you figure out the Tooth Fairy? I was ten.
- I really believed.
- Oh, boy, I made a mistake.
My mother used to leave little footprints made of glitter and write little notes.
It was magical.
I've never forgiven her! I defended the Tooth Fairy so hard, we had to change schools.
And I had to get a new haircut for a litany of reasons.
Yeah, I think Felix is starting to doubt that there's a fairy walking around with cash collecting billions of teeth a year.
Then you gotta do your son a favor and rip the Band-Aid off.
I can still hear Todd Westerland calling me a baby idiot.
A baby idiot.
They're in here meditating.
BO: Breathe in.
Oh, looks like a very peaceful double homicide.
- Daddy! - Hey, Wonder Girl! Yeah! - Has the Tooth Fairy come yet? - No, sweetie.
Tooth Fairy only comes at night when everyone's asleep.
Oh, where'd my daughter go? - There she is.
- Like Fart Captain! Yeah [EXCLAIMS.]
Like Fart Captain! Do you wanna do me a favor and get your shoes on for me? Thank you.
The, uh The Fart, that was, that's not Uh, we saw a skunk.
Felix named him.
That's wonderful.
I love humor.
If you can't laugh at life, you'll probably cry.
Both are healthy.
So, any plans for the weekend while the cat's away? I'm referring to Astrid.
Uh, no big plans, just friends coming over tomorrow night - To watch the basketball game.
- You should invite Bo.
Um Bo.
Mm-hmm? Do you wanna, uh, come over and watch the basketball game? Me? I would absolutely love that, thank you! I'll go pack.
Huh? No, no.
Hey, Bo, Bo, Bo.
It's tomorrow night.
I know.
I hate doing anything last minute.
So, is he Mm-hmm.
What are you drawing there, Wonder Girl? This is the Tooth Fairy.
And her knife! Okay, why does she have a knife? The knife cuts the hole so the Tooth Fairy can get in.
No, she's magical.
She uses magic to get in the house.
- A magical knife? - Yeah.
Uh Ooh, it's a beautiful one! ASTRID: The carbon footprint of a parent is massive.
Kids use up a lot of stuff.
Every toy is packaged in ten layers of plastic, and cardboard.
Entire forests have been leveled to make coloring books that kids scribble in and chuck.
JAMES: They waste food, they leave taps running, they gobble up batteries, not literally.
Well, once, almost.
ASTRID: And, of course, you wanna use less and recycle, and care for the planet.
But also, sometimes, you want, like, 15 minutes.
Sorry, Earth.
Thank you, I'm not gonna put this one in the gallery.
Snacks and fun And snacks and fun ♪ And bonding with my brother-in-law ♪ - Just made that up.
- Hi, Bo.
They're clean.
You are, no exaggeration, seven hours early.
I need some extra time to prepare the snacks.
- Hey, Vivi.
- Hi.
Filo pastry parcel stuffed with goat cheese and cranberry compote.
We're just watching a basketball game, we're not, you know, entertaining the Mayor.
I don't get to do this very often, James.
In basketball terms, I'm a roo-kie.
It's pronounced rookie.
But listen, I'm really glad that you're here.
Me, too! Because I need to work.
I need to get some stuff done before Ennis comes, so can you watch the kids for me, please? James.
I recognize a man whose work's a succubus, drinking his life away.
That was me, before I broke down.
I can handle a little bit of homework if it means getting a raise, okay? Yeah, but that's how it starts.
A raise, work on the weekends, higher stress, less time for family.
One day, you light your tie on fire and walk to wealth! FELIX: Daddy, daddy.
Hey, there he is.
What's It came out! Oh, that's exciting, right? The Tooth Fairy's gonna come tonight, and cut a hole in our house! Magic! She magics into the house and takes our teeth for her own mysterious purposes! Right, Uncle Bo? Perhaps, she grinds them into a powder, then makes a paste that she can mold like clay into beautiful sculptures.
No! No! She [STAMMERS.]
She's We'll never know the real reason, but not that! I wanna see the Tooth Fairy.
Oh! But, buddy, she only comes after we're asleep.
What are you gonna do? - I can record her on my iPad.
- Mm.
- I wanna see what her deal is.
- Yes! Yeah, it's a super-smart idea, buddy! I'm gonna start cooking.
Snacks and fun ♪ [PHONE VIBRATES.]
Hey! So, you're not getting hammered on the golf course with the World Cup Committee? No, but I drank a beer in the tub.
Like a cowboy! - So, it was a good day? - Yeah.
Chuck wants me to come back next month instead of in the fall.
'Cause they're obviously nothing without my muscular brain.
And I might get a new job title and pay bump.
Wait, are we Are we a power couple? Well, for dinner, I ordered a room service burger with bacon, so, you tell me.
You know I would, but I'm too busy looking at $30 million homes on the Bridle Path, so I should actually go, because Chuck wants me to go over something for tomorrow.
But, hey! Congrats on your "maybe" promotion.
Thank you.
I remember when you started working at Gero's, you said you wouldn't last two years.
Now, look at you.
- Totally.
- Love you.
FELIX: You're not gonna get me! VIV: Yes, I What time is it? It's game time! [WHOOPING.]
Hey, come on, come on, come on! Are your kids here or can I do voices? They live here.
Also, they're asleep.
Let's keep our voices down.
I don't wanna have to say hi.
Do you want a Gin Destructible? We got, uh, Ginsane in the Membrane, and [CHUCKLES.]
Gint of Lime.
Some of these names, they need work, still.
Hello, Ennis.
I hope you brought your mouth? I don't feel safe.
Who's this? This is my brother-in-law Bo.
He's gonna watch the game with us.
It'll be great.
Excuse me.
Tonight's line-up of snacks will be very vegetable-full, but I can adjust for any food allergies.
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
- Hey, no, no, no, come on.
There's booze and there's snacks and there's a game.
What more do you need? Mm.
You're lucky these are divine.
Help yourself to any gin flavored beverage.
I don't drink, but I do like to indulge when I feel my mood darken.
Homemade edibles! Yeah, just helps me relax.
James? It's mild.
How mild? So mild.
It's nothing.
See, the thing about guys is, we know where to buy stuff like technology, and running shoes, but where do we go when we're in the market for organic surf apparel or a simple crocheted vest? You're exactly right.
I wouldn't know where to begin.
Hey, I think the second half of the game's started.
Oh, no, it's been over for a while now.
We're watching a nature documentary and Bo's telling us his business idea.
Oh, I see what happened.
So, I created GoBo.
It's like Etsy, for men.
So, would this be like sneakers designed by rappers? Or is it stuff made out of antlers? Exactly! And I have startup capital.
All I need is someone like James.
What? Someone like me? Yeah, someone who's good at logistics and distribution and workflow.
I mean, to balance out my pure creative energy.
What? - I have to be the Tooth Fairy.
And Felix set up a camera in his room to catch you.
- Yes.
- Means he's on to you.
You gotta end this.
No, look, it's not about Felix, it's about Viv.
You only get so much magic in your life, I don't want Felix to ruin that for her.
Okay, let's do it.
You changed my mind fast.
Bo, these are not mild.
- So, about half an inch.
- Okay.
This is for her body.
- James, you're doing amazing.
- Thanks, buddy.
Do you think she's a blonde with brunette lowlights or a brunette with blonde highlights? [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
- Twist.
- Twist 'em around? On it.
BO: Awesome.
We're good.
Bam, that's it.
ENNIS: Some more string for the hair.
Here's an idea FOR A FINAL TOUCH- perfume.
She's done.
JAMES: Bo, this is really great.
Yeah, she's really pretty.
This might be the weed gummy or the Gindiscretion talking, but you guys are great friends.
She's bold and powerful.
But she has a secret.
I'd never tell a soul.
Okay, guys, we gotta be very quiet so we don't wake Viv or Felix.
Oh, I don't wanna see your kids, I just came up here because I'm scared to be alone.
Do you expect the fairy to put the money under the pillow, or to take the tooth? I didn't actually think about either of those things because I'm too messed up on your weed gummy! It sounds counter-intuitive, but have another.
I did! Bo, you army-crawl behind the iPad, I'm gonna fly the Tooth Fairy right in front of the camera, you turn off the iPad.
Hey, careful with her! She's delicate.
But she has a wisdom, you know.
Stop creeping on the Tooth Fairy.
Let her do her job, please? We can do this.
Ennis, you watch Viv's door, make sure she doesn't come out.
I'm gonna hold on to the doorknob so that she can't get out.
That's Okay.
Here we go.
Let's do it.
ENNIS: That's just like in the army.
Where'd you find this guy? JAMES: Slide it out, like an eel.
- ENNIS: That's great.
- There we go.
- Slide - Hey, James.
We should get an apartment together.
- Let's We'll table that.
- Okay.
All right, fairy's coming in.
Hurry up.
Bo! - Bo.
- Bo! - Bo! - Bover! - ENNIS: Bo! - What's the matter with him? Oh, he fell asleep.
That's actually not a bad idea.
My cab's been waiting outside for about ten minutes.
Super-fun night.
Will you text me later to let me know that I got home safe? Okay, okay, okay, we got this, we got this.
VIV: Daddy! - Daddy! - Hello.
Felix's iPad made a movie of the Tooth Fairy! What? Let me see.
FELIX: She turned off my iPad, and gave me $10 dollars.
$10, not five, huh? She must have, uh, yeah, confused the bills in the dark.
Lucky you! - This is weird.
- Hmm.
What do you think, Viv? She came! She cut a hole in the house and left money! Yeah, so fun, right? I'm hungry.
Okay, we've moved on.
Uh, yeah, just help yourself to some breakfast, guys, get started.
- Working on Sunday.
- Okay.
I don't miss that.
Doesn't have to be that way.
GoBo is always there for you.
I'm gonna work on something that exists, so - [PHONE RINGS.]
- Oh.
Can I borrow that clean pair of underwear I brought back? I gotta take this.
No, it's actually a great idea because the new franchise could, uh, restock from the two existing depots Okay.
And, um, yeah, it would save us about 15%.
So, I can get started on that, uh, on Monday? When Yeah, no, or I could have it done by Monday.
Both work great! You lied to me! I gotta go.
You tricked me.
I know, buddy.
I'm sorry.
I feel dumb.
No, hey, hey, hey.
No, no, no.
Stop, you're not dumb.
I just wanted you to believe and have fun! Why do grown-ups trick kids so much? Okay, look.
The Tooth Fairy is just a game that makes losing a tooth less scary.
You said to always be honest.
Ahem And you should.
Most of the time.
But, sometimes, lying can be useful.
It can get you out of danger.
It can help you spare somebody's feelings.
It can keep your sister believing in the Tooth Fairy.
You want me to lie to Viv? Uh, no, I, I want you to be part of the longest-running and weirdest conspiracy in the world.
And I want Viv to have fun.
She can have my tooth to put under her pillow.
That's cool of you, buddy.
Unfortunately, I can't allow it.
It's against Tooth Fairy rules.
No swapsies.
That's a lie! Mm.
I'm gonna delete all your games on your phone.
Um, that's a terrible lie.
Can I just give you a couple of notes? What you wanna do is, you wanna make eye contact, you wanna exhale, look at me, ready? Like this.
I'm not gonna bop you on the head with this pillow! Bop! - Oh.
- See? - [GROANS.]
ASTRID: If you're a parent, you gotta lie sometimes.
Get over it.
JAMES: You don't want your kids terrified of a local serial killer, or knowing where the chocolate stash is.
ASTRID: Hold up.
Where's the chocolate stash? JAMES: Oh, it's above the dryer.
ASTRID: Smart.
You gotta reveal the complex and garbage-y parts of the world slowly.
- This sucks! - Mm-hmm.
Right? I had one yesterday.
Gin there, done that.
Tastes like pennies.
Unlike with your partner, where it's best to lob the truth like a grenade.
- What's up? - Screw Chuck.
Wait, what? What happened? He offered me a sweet job, a job that I'm clearly made for, - With a two-year contract.
- Oh, that dirty I don't know why we're angry.
Why are we angry? If we decide we wanna have a baby - Yeah.
- I can't wait two years.
And then, if I take mat leave partway through, who's to say that I have a job to come back to? Yeah, have you tried asking him about it? I don't want to have to ask Chuck if I'm allowed to have a baby! - Men have it so much easier.
- Yeah.
I hate my job.
- What? - Yeah.
I I hate my job.
I'm not trying to trump your very real and sexist dilemma, but I hate it and I'm it makes me feel depressed and unfulfilled.
I'm sorry.
Thank you for telling me and for having your soul crushed for us.
- Yuck.
- Oh.
There's the layering and the texture, there.
- JAMES: Yeah, it's there.
- All right.
Faye Dunaway, eat your heart out.
It's moving the glitter glue around.
Bo, I'm blowing it.
I'm tryin' to Don't put your fingers on it! But I'm I'm not.
I'm I'm making it drier faster.
With my mouth breath.
Hey, what's your favorite Tony Shalhoub show? Mine's Wings.
She's a blonde, but she's got sort of brunette lowlights.
I'm not sure about the lowlights.
ENNIS: When it's darker.
So, you have brown hair, and then you have highlights that are blonde.
But if your hair is blonde, and you put brunette streaks in it, then they're lowlights.
It's what they call them when it's darker.
Should have gone blonde for a while, I missed my chance.
James, would you pass me the purple glitter paint? Just take a little hit of purple sparkle.
BO: No, no.
No, no.
No, no, no! What? It's just a little purple sparkle.

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