Chozen (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 [Chozen] Dear Jamal.
Man, a week out the clink, I'm still feeling locked up.
Yo, those 10 years, they took a lot away from me.
Back in the day, I was like Michael Jackson.
Just making music with my crew, Crisco, Ricky, and Phantasm.
You like drugs? That's dumb I like friends and having fun uh-huh, yeah Ah, yeah, throw 'em up! [growls] [Chozen] Then shit went wrong.
Thanks for coming to the show man, I appreciate the support.
And P.
S.
, that's a great shirt.
Hey, Chozen, nice moves up there.
Oh, yeah, thanks I guess.
Yo, man.
You gotta stop cutting off my flow.
I was feelin' it.
You know how it is.
- Yeah, but that verse was mines.
- Yours? [laughter] Come on now, man, this is a team.
And we all got our positions.
You've a cool look, and you got, like, some semi-fresh dance moves.
Not everyone in a rap group needs to rap, stupid.
Look, I ain't here to be nobody's Mr.
Bojangles! Who you think I am, flavor flav? - Ah, come on man! - Here we go again.
Can I get a pic? [Chozen] And as Obi Wan Kenobi once famously said, the space between the light and dark is small as hell, yo.
[Phantasm grunting] Take it! Take it! I told y'all, little piggies got to eat! You want to kick it with the king, gotta take the meat! - Take that.
Take that.
- Yo, Phanto! Oh, yeah, you're just in time for the show, baby.
I'm about to him 'em with the roast turkey.
Damn, this shit is pure, yo.
Whoa! What are you doing, man? This isn't us.
This isn't you.
I got my own hobbies.
Projects, shit I do in my free time.
Phanto, please just calm your ass down.
Don't talk to me like I'm crazy.
I'm just emotional, yo! No, dog.
Emotional is when you cry after something horrible has happened.
Like 9/11, or when Bel Biv Devoe broke up.
- You just straight up nuts.
- Take that back! You know what, man? I am done with you, man.
You out of the group.
And I'm calling the po-po.
What? Because there is illegal things happening.
[moaning] You better watch yourself now, brother.
If you do this, there ain't no going back.
[phone beeps] Aah! [door knocks] What? Man, what the That's cocaine, weed, machine guns, and a passed out whore in the corner.
Oh, boy.
Suspect apprehended.
[Chozen] Shit, you know how it is, player.
When you go away, everything changes.
Your friends, your beliefs, your ability to bathe freely.
But you don't give up hope.
You conquer it.
And then you take what's yours.
My sister's been lettin' me crash with her while I begin my quest for rap domination.
Phantasm ain't ready for this.
Say what up to cookie and little ghost for me.
And watch your ass homie, and watch who's watchin' your ass I wish it could still be me.
Chozen.
[theme music] 1x01 - Pilot Don't be giving me it hard looks, dog.
In need.
I'll climb in that window like a Spiderman, and smack that weed out your mouth.
I'm coming back for that weed.
[moaning] Holy shit! What you all doin'? Sex? - Seriously, Phil, what the hell? - My bad.
Ssh, stay focused.
Stay focused, I'm almost there.
Where's the key I gave you? - Man, I sold that shit.
- What? To who? Some dude who calls himself the key-master.
Which is dumb because his name is Steve.
[farts] Whoo! Keep doing that thing.
I'm gonna dump out.
- Hey, so where were we? - Uh, I'm gonna go.
- Stay! - Yeah, no.
That fart I think I can taste it.
Just block it out.
Come on.
Don't leave mama hangin'.
Sorry, baby.
Later.
[grunts] I knew it was a mistake to blow your first.
I love you! [sighs] [farts] Oh, great, you're shitting with the door open! Yeah, I'm shittin' with the do' open! I gotta peep all the angles, 'cause fools be creepin'.
Phil, I'm the only one here.
What about homie with the little flabbiness? My boyfriend? He left.
Oh, I'm not gonna lie, I'm upset about that.
We was just getting to know each other.
You just made fun of his body, which is kind of weird.
I'm just helpin' a brother out.
Um, I'm gonna keep my food in my room from now on because you cleaned me out yesterday.
I was paying bills online today and I noticed that I owe, like, $100 to the cable company for pay per view.
Do you would you happen to know anything about that, Phil? Somebody watching G.
I.
Joe: Rise of the Cobra five times? That wasn't me.
Must have been somebody else who likes good movies.
That doesn't even make sense.
Relax, girl.
It's all good.
In a few months, I'll be at the top of the charts, and you'll be set.
Dipped in the finest clothes, pushin' the freshest whips, adorning yo' pussy in the finest jewelry, innumerable luxuries.
[sighs] I can't deal with you.
I'm going to bed.
Up next, we catch up with the king of rap, Phantasm.
Oh, hell no! So, let's talk about your new album.
Fo' sho'.
It's a concept album.
Hot.
[sizzling sound] Player.
And when it hits, rap will never be the same.
[chuckles] Whoo, child! Mama gettin' hot all over.
Let's throw it back to the studio.
- I'm stretchin' you out tonight.
- Uh, wha? Ugh, Phantasm! What the shit's going on out here? [snoring] Wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, I'm sleeping.
[football chatter] [sighs] Ain't nobody said was gonna be easy.
Struggle, the true test of a man maintain focus, implement the master plan How do I play? I play to win What do I like? Dudes with smooth skin back in the game, and I'm in it to win it my status grows steadily minute to minute spitting fire over hot beats, deep cuts shaking the spot between yo' butts and yo' nuts Hey, man.
Hey! Shit, I'm usually the only one here.
- Mi name-o es Jimmy.
- Yeah, I'm Chozen.
[chuckles] Chosen? Chosen for what? - No, stupid, that's my name.
- That's kind of badass, man.
You a big football fan? Yeah, something like that.
Not me, I'm into cheerleaders.
Young ones.
Their panties, their boobs, and butt-hole.
- Boom, freeze frame.
- That's cool.
Damn right it's cool.
"Candid-cheerleader-trim.
com.
" Guaranteed hard-ons.
I can get you a promo code.
Good lookin' out, homie, but ain't really my steez.
Ooh, that's a pretty dope prison tatt.
- Where'd you get it? - I got this prison tatt in jail! Mm, I've been there, amigo.
When Motley Crue says they need ass well, you know what, you just start grabbing girls.
- You don't check I.
D.
s.
- Wait, wait a minute.
- You in the business? - I was.
20 years.
I was a bus driver, roadie, lights, pyro, injected a bunch of shit into Nikki Sixx's weiner.
Pyro? Yeah, that's cool, that's cool.
Wouldn't mind hearing more about that weiner though? Well, you know, the rock and roll scene changed, so I moved on.
I like my tunes to have power, you know? Balls! [laughs] Feel you on that, man.
I like my shits to have big balls too.
- Ah, a songwriter, huh? - A M.
C.
You know, they have an open-mic deal every weekend at the student center.
I mean, you know, if you needed some place to play.
Thank you, Jimmy! [laughs] I mean, this sounds like the perfect spot to begin my rise to the top.
Well, you know, it's just an open-mic.
You don't need a it's not that big of a deal.
Yo, I'm gonna bounce, because that student center is gonna go crazy when they see this shit, man.
Hey, don't get so excited.
Anyone can do it.
Like, anyone! [keyboard clicking] Mm, these some good ass fries.
- Yo, what's crackin'? - Um - Yo, I need to use that.
- Who are you? I will give you a salisbury steak.
Thanks, but I have a paper due in the morning.
Yo, I'd hate to see your computer smashed up on the ground with macaronis and salisbury juices all over it.
That would be a waste of food, know what I mean? - Find these mans.
- Yeah, this is just a picture Analyze this with your technology.
Their facial patterns, iris construction.
- I can't do that.
- Fingerprint lookin' out fo'.
- You know, that stuff.
- I just I can't do that.
I Have you ever said "iris construction" before.
Look, I see you.
You're a dork.
But that's cool.
And I can tell you got skills by looking into your glasses, and then looking in your eyes, and then looking in your soul.
Believe in yourself, homie.
I just need their names.
Oh, snap, that's all? It's Ricky and Crisco, man.
I could have done this shit myself.
Listen, bro, that paper you wrote for me last week, I mean, I paid you for an "A", bro, you little baby [grunts] Yo, I saw this fish first! Don't y'all be violating the code, now.
Whoa! Did that just happen? - Thanks, man.
I'm Troy.
- I'm Chozen.
And yo, you're with me now.
Check it.
The way this work is I save your ass from steak-dick jocks, and you do pretty much whatever I say.
You feel me? Absolutely.
Totes feeling you right now.
- Anything you need I got.
- Mm, don't count on it, little man.
- Ehm, boom.
- Oh, you gotta be shittin' me! [laughs] [music] Hey, yo, can anybody tell me what time it is? Yo, I think it's time for a birthday right now.
Make some noise! I can't hear you! A Kool Kidz birthday! Hey, yo, Brandon, congratulations put your hands up in celebration no doubt this a marvelous day hanging out with friends, no school, and all play I see some kids who's ready to eat, whoo! you gotta have your lunch before you ready for sweets A Kool Kidz.
All right, time for hot dogs! Hey, dog, we started off slow and shit.
Like, we need to finish big, bro.
- No doubt.
- No doubt? Right, no doubt.
I'm thinking balloon animals and a pinata at the same time, dog! Hell yeah! Hit 'em with a combination! [laughter] Y'all look like a bunch of professional molesters.
[together] Chozen? Yo, when did you get out? My mind is like hurting real bad right now.
- I can't even believe, dog - Hey, guys? Excuse me.
[sniffs] Is that drugs? No, ma'am, they are not doing drugs.
This bomb-ass herb is all mine.
These guys are nerds.
They don't do cool things like puff the sticky-icky.
Yeah, ma'am, we don't do drugs.
Kool Kidz don't smoke weed.
Hurry up! We're cutting the cake.
Yo, you can't be coming up here with a joint.
This is our job, yo.
- Ricky, we got a show to finish.
- Damn! Just doin' whatever that white lady says, huh? I mean, that's cool, but if y'all wanna hear about making some real power-moves, meet me tonight, eight p-dot-m-dot, chuck's.
Yo, I'm a eat this hot dog off the ground.
Delicious.
Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo boo-yeah! [laughs] Oh, man! Ooh! I be ownin' y'all tonight! You can't see me! You can't see me! [laughs] That's a little taunt.
Yo, Choze.
What can I get you guys tonight? Yo, let me get three Mr.
Pibbs, please.
And you know what? Yo, make that extra icy.
Hey! That's not cool.
Oh, sorry, dog! But those bears be feelin' frisky.
[growls] Hey, tell me why we're here, dog.
Oh! Ease up, Ricky.
It's been a long time, man.
Lots of emotions up in this Cheezy Charles, man.
You look different, man.
[laughs] Yeah, dog.
I was gonna say the same shit.
Yeah, well, jail changes a nucca.
If y'all had been cool friends, and reached out to a brother, I mean, I'm just saying, you might know that.
What? I got to mass, bro.
Sundays are for dios, not for the people in jail.
Dude it was all Phantasm.
After he got you locked up on those bullshit charges, - things got ugly.
- Bro, we knew that you were innocent, and we were ready to go to the cops, and then boom, Phantasm finds out.
He told us we gotta stay out the game, man.
Stay away from you.
He was kicking it with these roughnecks man.
Yeah, straight up gangster shit, dog.
Shit, I mean, y'all playing right now.
Phantasm ain't no gangster.
We only let that fool in the group 'cause his hairs was white.
I mean, that was like the singular reason.
No, dog, he changed.
You remember Ricky's cat Reginald? Oh, yeah, that fluffy little sucker was cool as hell.
[Ricky] So Reggie had disappeared one night.
[hisses, meows] And then the next day I got a letter and shit.
And it was written in his hairs, bro.
He was probably cold, dog.
He was so cold, dog.
Dude, I got a DVD delivered to my house.
I played that shit and seen my mama laying on a table.
She up at that massage place she go for her fibromyalgias.
That what? - Mm, that's the deep tissue.
- How about here? Oh, yeah, sweet babies.
I learned how to use the youtubes.
The rap game is mine.
Zip yo' lips biotch.
What I'd he found out we were making music again or talking to you? Man, you done let that fool get up in your head space.
I spent years with some real tough brothers, and Phantasm, shoot, Phantasm ain't caca.
I know fools who'd be playing his butt-hole like a saxophone.
Be like [tooting Sanford and Son theme] - Look, bro - Jazzmatazz for that fat ass.
Hoo-hoo! [laughs] It's like this.
Y'all looking old man, I'm talking beat down.
It's time to quit the half-stepping, and do this shit for real.
I booked a show.
I'm taking back what's mine, and you can too.
Phantasm won't know what hit him.
Redemption, fellas.
Redemptions.
Look bro, it's good to see you and all that, but we got a good thing going.
Yeah, we're kind of hot on the party circuit right now, but we're still, like, small enough to fly under the radar of Phantasm.
I mean, we're not rock stars and shit, but it's something.
Hey, man that's how it works.
Oh all right, I see how it be then.
You enjoy them birthday cakes, dickheads.
'Cause when I blow up Phantasm's spot, I'll be sure to send him your way, you damn, dirty, little bitches.
[bleep] y'all, I said [bleep] y'all.
[pinball machine dings] Bears, screw those dudes.
I wish they was dead.
No, I think I love them dudes.
Ugh, at least I got you bears.
Sometimes yo' friends let you down take yo' dreams and smash 'em on the ground what do I do, turn the page? uh-uh, hell no, I'm goin' channel my rage and spit rhymes of horror, unspeakable things from deep inside me, the darkness sings murder, murder, sex, sex, murder, murder murder, murder, sex, sex, murder, murder murder, sex, sex with murder, murder with sex dead people have sex, then they murder [crowd groaning] I let him go knuckles deep in my butt-hole.
Don't tell anybody! Oh, hell yeah! Oh, y'all bitches ready to party? Yo, watch my friend.
And, yo, no cuddles.
'Cause I'll know.
- Ew, who's that creeper? - That would be my brother.
What's up? You look pretty comfortable, all nestled in that bean bag.
It's like a doughnut, and you's the supple, soft-skinned jelly filling.
Mm.
I'm Tracy's brother.
I'm a rappist.
But she probably already told you that.
- No.
- Well, I am.
And I like your shirt, player.
It's fits your little muscles real nice.
So why don't you just flex for daddy? - Uh - I can take you anytime I like.
[gasps] [record scratch] Yo, you want to do this together? Phil! Oh, my god.
Is that a landing strip? Oh snap, yo I almost forgot.
Everybody, I got a show tomorrow night at the student union.
We all friends now, so I expect to see y'all up in that piece.
- What are you doing? - What? This a party, ain't it? You're drunk, you're a mess, and worst of all, you lied to me about renting that dumb movie.
It's not dumb.
It's a fine film.
Seriously, Phil, what the hell? I'm trying to help you out.
You're blowing it again.
Man, what you mean? I ain't never let you down before.
You got lock up when I was nine.
You were my hero! Do you remember those days we spent in the backyard creating cutting-edge gymnastic routines? All right, let's do this! I'm Béla Károlyi, and you Nadia Comaneci.
We gonna do some gymnastics, bitch! Front tuck! Handstand! Let me see those toes pointed girl! Good.
Back handspring! And finish arabesque! [Tracy] Those were the best times of my life.
I was gonna go the whole way.
I needed that choreography, and I needed you.
And you weren't there.
Come on, let's be honest, I mean, you was a little too thick to compete at a high level.
Oh, so now I'm fat? Jesus christ, you're an asshole.
Dude's all balls.
[growls] [rock music] [camera shutter clicks] Yes, mm A little more soap.
[chuckles] - There it is.
- Hey Jimmy Ssh! Yo, be cool, man.
Come here.
Check these out.
Rich-girls-making-bad-decisions.
net - I'm gonna make a killing.
- I guess.
What's wrong with you, man? Someone shit in your wheaties? Someone? More like e'ryone! First my old crew punks me out, and then my sister be talking about "losing her faith in me.
" What are you gonna do about it Besides act like a little puss-puss? I I'm gonna play the show tonight, that's what.
[scoffs] Not like that, you're not.
Looks like you just got into a fist-fight at a bukkake party, and the dicks won.
Yo, you think you could help me out? I could, but that's kind of a manager's deal.
I've always been more of a road-hog, if you know what I'm saying.
I'll let you take pictures of my sister in the shower.
Now, we're talking.
Look, I know it's your sis and all, so how about we do something elegant, classy? Like, maybe we just hide a small go pro camera in her toilet? You're not into that.
That's fine, that's cool.
We're spit balling, this is a brainstorming session.
You know what, it's a process, not every idea is a winner.
Just, think on it.
Right now though we gotta get to work.
[music] [Chozen] Yo, Tracy.
I'm sorry I let you down.
A girl needs her big brother.
I'm gonna make it all up to you, do what's right.
I shouldn't have rented all them movies.
It's just [sighs] that Channing Tatum that dude is magnetic.
Enjoy these candies Tracy, and this Dear John movie disc.
Hopefully it will touch you as much as it touched me.
Be at the student center tonight! Feelings, Chozen.
[woman] He was too young, I was too broken.
And our hands were too bloody.
Asia.
[applause] Whoo! This is gonna be awesome.
- Huh! Time to shine! - Ooh, I don't know, man.
Mouth is all dry and shit, my booty all sweaty.
Yo, this was a bad idea.
I don't even know why I'm here.
You're here to rock this bitch, man.
We're with you, dog.
We're done being afraid.
I didn't like that feeling anyway.
We started this together, and we're going to finish this together.
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
And I made a new beat for your song Ding-dong! Guys, you're up! - Shall we destroy? - Hell yeah! - Let's do it! - Ah, yeah! Get your hands up! Yeah, whoo! behold a hip hop genius lyrical master with a smooth ass penis straight out the pen, where it gets no rougher hard ass brothers get spread like butter I've seen criminals crying in they underwear crackheads smoking on they pubic hair they got the jenkem running though their bloodstream trippin' balls off of last night's ice cream new fish writing letters to the Mrs.
before he knows it, consensual kisses up in the shower room, where the shanks come out fools be creepin, trying to up they clout dirty snitches get the stitches I got words for one of them bitches Phantasm, yup I said it that little punk cunt was gonna learn to regret it because I'm back with passion ready for action grip the booty, spread it wide, mashin' that's right I'm coming fo' ya, son and when I grip the mic, I'm gonna blow ya, son Bitch! In six months, ya name ain't mean shit adios to the hoes and the luxury whips - Peace! - # ha-ha, I take it all, trick # and if you wasn't so ugly, you could suck my dick Redemption, that game is mine I'm gunnin' for a brother with a tight behind and I'll be crushin' it, bloody like murder scene tip touches, technique supreme Redemption, I paid my dues ten years in, now I'm making moves pop-radio fools, I'm gonna jack yo' jewels always on the hunt for money and cool dudes Redemption, I'm back, little suckers if you's a hard boy, let me see that turd cutter bow down before the glorious one - Yeah! - # your face is the target # my dong is a gun Redemption [mic backfeeding] [cheering] Man, you see how hype we got that crowd? That one bitch was straight moist, son! - Oh, just like back in the day! - No doubt, fellas! [laughs] That felt damn good.
Bring it in! [all barking] - Who are we?! - Real cool, dog! No.
No, we gotta say the same thing.
Just something like "we're da' best!" Okay? Let's just do this right, this time.
Aye? - Who are we?! - We're da' best! - Bad asses, shame.
- I'm back little suckers!