Chozen (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

Love & Bottlerockets

1 Whoo, look at that.
We are square.
Man, you playin' with me right now? This is a paltry amount.
Aw, I'm gonna get some candy.
Yeah, well, we had expenses, and the venue could've been better, but you guys lit their tits up.
Yeah yeah, let me see you put your hands up! Buck! Buck! Come on, now.
Let's get crushed.
Buck nihao, asians! [both] # We gettin' drunk # we smokin' weed too it's like that A-game when the homies come through I need to change dude somethin' fresh, see how about some angel dust? P.
C.
P.
[woman gasps] Bruce Lee.
Ching-chong.
Says-a Bruce Lee.
Oh yeah, a few more shows, a killer demo, and we'll be on the road to the Grammies.
Who you know gives a shit about the Grammies except white people and Kanye West? I'ma go make some piss.
Whoo! - Hey, um, I'm Michael - Shh! - We shouldn't use names.
- Right.
Of course.
Well, hello, bitches.
Y'all ain't doing it right.
- Hey, wait! - Come back! [chuckles] You will never forget me.
[title theme] 1x02 - Love & Bottlerockets Man, I'm tired here how M.
C.
spittin' all these weak-ass sob stories.
Talkin' bout how they heartbroken and shit.
Don't y'all have any pride, yo? a real man stands on his own two it ain't matter if a bitch don't love you I ain't a bustah I'm a god, son invincible army of one [both] # you want love? Shit is evil # I'll tap that ass but only trust in my people game tight don't need no relationship save the holdin' hands for a soft-ass girly bitch emotions? Stupid I got a hit out on that little fool cupid [sighs] I'm pressing all these buttons and shit.
But still sounds like ass.
Um, maybe if you just tweak this a little right here, Ricky ow! Get your pinche fingers outta here.
I'm the producer.
I touch the mixer.
Who's the strongest man in the world? I am.
[grunts] Ten.
Ah yeah.
Ricky, Troy-boy, chill.
Mean, you all be on some childish shit right now.
Like ho's fighting over the same dick, man.
Hah, we used to have cock-fights on the cell block.
Man, I can see it now.
Just a big ol' hog just swinging.
And Ricky, you know, he's going up top.
You know, getting that shaft.
You know, where he think he gonna win.
But Troy gets all gully with it, locking down that big-ass apple bag.
And then they just go to town.
I mean, just two little nerds nibblin' on the d-zick.
- Nibble-twins! - [laughs] Y'all got blowed up! Does he think I'm an idiot? Yeah, no, I texted him like 15 times this morning and there's been no response.
No, it's just like, man up.
Okay.
Well, let me know if you hear anything.
Later, bitch.
- Hey, Tracy.
- Hey, Ricky, eat a dick.
Well, I didn't expect you home.
I thought you would be at Kai's place.
Forgot a book, 'cause apparently you need books for class.
Oh, and also, I think Kai is cheating on me! Oh, hell no awesome.
Karen said she saw him at the caf with some freshman vag.
Ain't no one gonna treat my sister like an NBA wife.
- Oh, uh, let me help you with that.
- No, I'm good.
Seriously.
Hey, don't be a dick, don.
Women can carry things, too.
- I've I've got these.
- [sighs] Whatev's.
Ha-ha, you just got owned, son.
- Troy got skills.
- 'Syeah, I'm playing it smooth, dog, on the down-low.
Man, I knew that dude was trouble.
Kai.
Pfft.
Its like a karate sound, be like kee-yi! Well, Troy ain't got nothing on me, homey.
I'm the entrepreneur with the dope-ass crib.
- You live with your folks.
- Nah, I live behind them.
It's detached.
It's different.
Learn about real estate before you start talking shit, macho man.
Hey, assholes, this could jack up our whole deal.
Girl is at dude's pad 24-7.
They break up, and we gotta say goodbye to kickin' it here all day, doin' cool drugs together and dropping tracks.
With Tracy gonna go ballistic.
- Kai gots to make shit right! - I think we should stay out of it.
Dude, you are here more than anyone.
Without this, you would be stuck with your girl going on hikes and chillin' at the farmer's market.
[laughs] You probably wearing yoga pants and shit.
All short, like you could see the vein on your dick and shit.
If we could chill at your place, we wouldn't have this problem.
Nah, bro, I got baby brothers and sisters.
With tiny little brains and shit.
They're all innocent, dawg.
And I need to protect, like, their hearts and shit.
We gotta bounce.
The cycle has begun.
Tracy gonna come back with a gang of food and stuff it all in her dumb face.
And then she'll blast Nine Inch Nails and go in her room and start doing sex things to herself.
Because that is the only way that she can feel in control.
Uh, like, what kind of sex things? That's the thing, man.
If you gonna fool around on your girl, - you gotta keep your game tight.
- I heard that.
Pfft.
You've never even cheated, dawg.
I'm lucky enough to be in a good relationship.
But you know, once a girl stops slippin', - Crisco gets to dippin'.
- What about fat Tina? Woof.
- Don't bring Tina into this.
- Man, that fat bitch hooked up with dirty-ass Devin behind the gym in eighth grade.
And you just acted like nothing ever happened.
Well, I heard that she fingered him and ate a hot pocket at the same time.
- Huh, that's a bad bitch, bro.
- Come on, now, I didn't see that.
Did you? We all know Devin's a dirtbag.
Hey, homeboy over there keeps peeping you, dawg.
Like peeping real hard.
Hey, you could get hurt creeping on a man.
It's good to see you, brah.
Wait, you don't remember? I'm Hunter.
From Saturday night? The roman feast? I already done learned all I need to learn.
But that don't stop me.
I'm still the big man on campus.
- Welcome to college.
- # Don't mind if I do # let's get the party started with some cool-ass dudes pop the bottles spark the hash, young buck gettin' lifted off a daddy's cash you got the jocks, nerds, and geeks stuck-up bitches and metal-head freaks kids frontin' like they're grown but they actin' a school of suckers ripe for the jackin' I got my doctorate in taking shit conducting research in the rhymes I spit five-star recruit full scholarship Mr.
Popular and my game's legit hitting keggers 'bout every night purple drink in the cup and my fashion's tight handle my business never act the fool bear witness, I'm the coolest kid in school [roars] - Can I have another tab? - Hell yeah.
Mm.
I feel hot.
I'm just gonna take this off.
- Do you mind? - Hell no.
[unicorn whinnies] The other night was crazy, man.
But, you know, it was kinda nice.
Oh, if you catchin' feelings, you can pump the brakes, son.
I mean, you's just a trick, and that's it.
You know, emotions and caring and shit like that, it's just It's just, I ain't with that, okay? But if I want you, I will find you.
Until then, stay out my lane.
- Hey, who was that? - Ain't nobody.
Just some dude I partied with.
You know, popped some pills.
Drank some drinks.
Yeah-yeah-yeah, raver style.
Whoo-whoo.
Yeah, and then I railed him out.
[crowd oohs] Oh, this gonna be that hot mess.
Divers-with-tits-eating-shit.
org.
Or maybe you could make another site for, like, fat diver girls.
Yeah, I appreciate the tip, homeboy.
But that's a bit too specific.
See, with these, I get both the swimsuit crowd and the epic-fail market.
With some accidental hits from the scheisse porn weirdos.
There's a sweet spot there.
[P.
A.
] Now diving Kai Fulton.
For real, though, we gotta handle this fool.
Ooh, we could hit him with one of those Christmas tree shanks.
Just ba-bow! Ba-bow! You know? Just see how good he swims with his chest leakin'.
Aw, hell yeah! Wait.
It's Christmas right now? No, stupid.
It's a knife shaved like a tree.
Goes in smooth, comes out messy.
You just use the pen for the stabby part, and then you just fold the paper until it gets all sharp and shit.
You don't think cutting a fool violates your probation? How about we just talk to the kid? - Boring.
- You mean, just, like, using words? Yeah, man, we can't just go around and messin' fools up.
I will go along with your crazy-ass scheme, but if it don't work, then we don't do it my way.
Oh, look-look-look-look! It's a lollipop.
Ooh, yeah.
Good afternoon to you.
Hello, nice to meet you.
I'm Chozen, this my crew.
We need to see Kai, please.
- Good for you.
- Yeah, dawg, it is good.
If you could just do me a favor and let him know No dice, bro-seph.
If k-money wanted you here, I'd know about it.
You're not being very helpful right now, dawg.
I've got an idea.
Why don't you nerds get the hell off my porch? You're scaring away the trim.
[Chozen] Oh, hell no.
I'm comin' in, bitch.
Like it or not.
[grunts] Okay.
[grunts] That's a good door.
Here we go! [laughs] Suck it, Crisco! This was your weak-ass plan.
It's time for option B.
- Jimmy, you got them weapons? - That's an affirmative.
Stay moist, children.
[crickets] [screams] [Jimmy coughs] Time to peep the angles.
Let's find our boy.
All right, now, yeah, you'd better shave that chest.
Oh, that's some greco-roman nonsense right there.
- You see him? - What? Who? Give me that shit.
- How did it go? - All good, dawg.
My mommy's like a beast on the sewing machine.
Man, this could take a while.
Why don't you go cop some stake-out snacks? - But I just got here - It's an important job, Ricky.
Your taste in delicious treats is second-to-none.
- Only you can do this.
- I won't let you down.
And Chozen thank you, bro.
Ooh, target lock.
Enemy mig straight ahead.
Sweet baby jesus.
Whoo, still a little wet, huh? How about you drop that towel? Oh yeah, let those puppies air-dry.
Show daddy that sweet Georgia peach, yes sir.
I know you got it on you.
You mind if I squeeze one out real quick? Man, do your thing.
I'd be pissed, too.
She knows you had those jeans first.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, she's jealous.
Hey, look, baby, I gotta go.
Okay, I love you bunches.
Big smooches, bye.
[both laugh] Holy shit, brother.
That was bru-tal.
You just slashed your dick off, - but with words.
- Y'all are haters.
You straight bitch-made, son.
[laughs] Hey, let me ask you something.
What's it feel like to have a vagina? I mean, do them lips ever get like, folded up and twisted? I've never seen that happen.
Can that happen? Hey, I'm living rent-free.
Wardrobe second-none.
Girl got that family money, and she ain't shy about spending it - on this good dick.
- So you basically her house-boy.
Whoa-whoa-whoa, easy, huh? Hittin' a little low there, brother, no need to get racial.
- She's white.
- Oh, in that case, wesa best get to work before the missus come back from market.
Hey, not cool, man.
Not cool.
Oh gosh I can touch it, I can feel you come on, fingers, come on.
Ha-ha, looks like somebody needs to go on a diet, puto.
All right.
Game on, homey, let the players play.
Do you want some of mine? I'm full anyways.
Maybe just a bite.
Hey, what's up? I got this for you.
You can plant it and make your own palm tree.
Oh.
Thanks.
Yeah, and your hair looks really elegant right now.
Like, all professional.
We're actually studying here.
Hence the books.
Well, I was just in the neighborhood.
On business and shit, and I thought I'd stop by and grab a fresca.
They have those off-campus.
Everyone knows that.
Oh, what I really wanted was, like, your lady opinion, 'cause you have, like, really good style.
- What? - I'm peeping on my kitchen, right, in my house that I own.
And I don't know if I should do granite countertops or, like, just shiny model classic style.
Oh, damn it, I'm late for an econ lecture.
- Can we pick this up later? - Absolutes.
I know this is a hard time.
Just remember, you need to take care of you.
Hey, don't leave and trip on your dude pounding another panocha.
You know what? That's his problem.
Ricky, blow me.
- You heard what she said, right? - [sniffs] Is that cologne? Yeah, it's WD-40 and motor oil, homey.
Manly stuff, but you wouldn't understand, though.
- Yeah, you're real smooth.
- Hey, dawg, you're not her type.
She likes bad boys, like, edgy dudes.
- That's all me, dawg.
- We'll see about that, Ricky.
We will, dawg.
We'll see real good.
That's the entry-point.
Back in the klink, they had a commissary.
All the best stuff was in there.
I'm talkin' smokes, peach snapples delicious.
Cinnamon buns.
Back issues of Men's health.
- An occasional sudoku.
- So did y'all pick the lock or what? That would never fly those locks are heavy duty.
- Shoot, you got that right, Jimmy.
- Then what was the move? You take a guard hostage, barter his life for goods? Maybe create a bomb made of match-heads - and day-old shits? - Nope.
I knew this crackhead.
His name was Tookie.
Homeboy was connected, yo.
I mean, ran heron in and out the joint for the mob.
Ah, shit yeah.
It's good to see you again, baby.
I love you, baby.
I can't wait to feel this come out my reckum.
And then one night, we was like, "yo, Tookie, you gettin' us "into that commissary whether you like it or not.
" - Oh, word.
- And then what? And then Tookie says he got a way in.
'Cause he had a key.
'Cause it turns out he was working in the commissary.
So it was very easy to get in.
He opened the door, we took errything we wanted.
- It was dope.
- So And then a whole bunch of crips just killed him.
- Damn! - Whoo.
Strong finish.
Lucky for us, I gots a new Tookie.
- Hunter.
- Hey man, it's me.
I was just thinking 'bout you, and, uh, I thought it would be cool to see you.
That would be tight, bro.
All right, let's make it interesting.
Just prop open the side-door, and I'll just sneak in, but you won't know when.
Ooh, anticipation.
Sounds hot, bro-meo.
- Oh, it will be.
- I can't wait to We're in.
Hey, look-look, I got some tight-ass masks too.
- Wow, this shit is so soft.
- A'ight, fellas.
Remember the plan.
Spooky, right? Just wanna say, I'm not cool with this.
Chill, man, this is college, and we're just playing a prank.
Gentlemen let's dance.
Shit.
Have you seen my roommate? Cool, yeah, let me show you my bed first.
[door creaks] - Wait, what - You relax.
- If you scream - We'll chop you up, stupid.
Whoa, we're not gonna murder you.
Shut up! Suspend yo disbelief, dawg.
- Is that Phil? - Yeah I mean, no, no.
There's no Phil here.
[snaps finger] We are the Shadow-watchers.
And I am lord Mortis.
- These are my dark brethren.
- Door-lock.
- Simian.
- I'm ghost-man.
We know all and see all, and you, young Kai, have been wicked.
There is a woman who loves you.
Her name is Tracy, but you forsake her, you dumb ass.
We have seen you with another.
Skin touching skin.
You will apologize to the girl and offer gifts of forgiveness.
Or you could just dump her.
[knock on door] Hey, diggy? I'm getting laid, man can I use your camera? Silence.
Amends shall be made.
You will bring her diamonds, flowers, and an Applebee's gift card for at least $50.
'Cause, let's face it, I mean, she really loves appetizers.
If you do not do these things We're gonna fillet your balls, bro.
All you'll be left with is the shaft part.
Imagine it.
A shaft without nuts.
Just useless.
[door thuds] What the he ow.
We'll be watching.
- Ooh.
- Pow! Right in the nuts.
[laughs] Those hoods are hilarious.
- Get them! Get them! - Go, go , go, go! I don't wanna get caught by the wrestler guy! Going hot.
And now for the coup de grace.
Ooh, side-armed that one a bit.
[people scream] [sheep baahs] Man, my first year in, there was a big-ass race riot.
- But nothing was dope as this.
- Reminds me of '98.
Vancouver amphitheater.
The dope show tour.
Manson had us build a big, long 18-foot dick that spit flames.
Wow, that's like a dream.
Who knew a gust of wind, though, could turn the flaming jizz into a full-blown inferno? - I'm talking fire-come.
- Y'all crazy as hell.
I ain't waitin' around for five-oh.
I'm outta here.
Ha-ha, do I look like a wizard? Did you get it? Oh-oh, how about when that car exploded? I never knew that fire could, like, fly around and shit.
- You burned down my house! - Okay, firstly, I didn't burn shit.
- And for second, yo ain't got no proof.
- Yeah, 'cause it's solar fire, playboy.
Yo, Tracy.
I'd hate to say it, but boy's a cheater.
We all saw it.
- I knew it, you m ! - Hey, wh I never cheated! Oh yeah? Well, what about little miss thang? Maybe 18? 5' 9".
Tittays for days.
Beautiful like Lindsay Lohan.
If you're into that shit.
- But me, I like cushion.
- Dude, that's my cousin.
- Nasty.
- No, she's been staying with me, checking out campus.
She might transfer here next semester.
Oh, well, that makes sense then.
Oh, baby.
I'm so sorry I doubted you.
Whoa whoa, no, we're done.
You're a cute chick and all, but this is insane.
And, honestly, you text too much.
It's annoying.
Your "LOL" can "S" my "D.
" Lates.
Oh, shit, here we go.
I'll be your rock, Tracy.
The Dwayne Johnson kind.
Hey, the best thing is probably for you to, like, bang a dude real quick.
Yo, Troy, Ricky, gets to steppin'.
Girl needs some alone time.
But if you're still here, how's she gonna be alone? - Go! - Holler, Trace.
Look, I'm sorry homeboy screwed you over - What? If you hadn't - Shh hey, shut your mouth, okay? Listen, I know it's hard.
But who knows? I mean, maybe the dude will come back.
Now take this.
I got this especially for you.
I know how much you love chocolate and nuts all mixed together.
[Tracy sighs] Oh my god.
[knock on door] Yeah? Yeah, it's not him.
You still dumped.
[Tracy cries] - The house it's gone.
- Good thing I wasn't up in there.
Well, I'm okay.
Thank god.
Think I can crash here tonight? Yeah see, that ain't gonna work.
Yo, how's this sound? Go down to the janitor's closet.
Open up a bottle of floor wax.
And just breathe it all up.
In and out.
In and out.
I'll grab a pillow and some beers.
That sounds real nice, brother.
And then, just throw some chapstick all up on them lips.
Because you gonna need it.
[smacks lips]