Chozen (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

Beef

1 2014.
Nothin' left to prove.
Y'all can't hate what you wish was you.
Let's go.
My shit's special your shit lame coming with the force of a runaway train game ain't a game crush the whole area # poison is rad mass hysteria # money ain't a thing 'cause I got it hoes kiss the ring 'cause they about it dime pieces and they niece's creases sweet like reese's love never ceases king sex surrounded by bitches number one V.
I.
Penis delicious Caligula master controller unfadeable but I already told ya kill yo'self I'm better than you if I die one day I'll be deader than you I am the alpha and omega supreme being the world is my treasure Phanto.
What.
2014.
Yeah.
I win.
You lose.
No contest.
Phantasm yup I said it that little punk hoe is gonna learn to regret it Phantasm yup I said it Hey, Boss.
Why you trippin' on these multicultural non-professionals? Them dudes don't matter.
Let me tell you what don't matter.
Spelling words right in texts.
Whether you eat sea salt or regular.
How Barry from storage wars gets paid.
But this? This matters.
Who who are those guys? They ghosts, but they ain't dead yet.
1x03 - "Beef" Mm.
Yes.
And you know this.
Welcome back to our safe place, where everyone's equal, and equal is everyone.
Guys, let's get started.
Oh.
Yo, is this the place where the dick at? Don't get your hopes up.
Nothin' but wall-to-wall prudes.
Yuck.
I know.
I've been coming here for three weeks and haven't had a single hard-on.
Oh.
Damn girl.
You packin' dong too? Man, that tuck game is tight.
Respect.
- I'm Bobbi.
With an "I.
" - Chozen.
With a "ozen.
" Tonight's topic the media and their portrayal of gay men as shallow, over-sexed deviants with no respect for family values.
Oh, I knew I came to the right spot.
Hey, everybody.
When we startin' this orgee? - You're new, aren't you? - Oh, y'all gonna jump me in or something? - I assume you're a student? - Why, yes, my name is Tracy Cullens.
What? Dudes can't be called Tracy? I mean, that's some intolerant business, ya ignorant bitch.
What happened to the safe place? Yo, hold up, I gotta take this.
What up, Tracy? This an other Tracy.
Proceed.
Your parole officer called.
She moved your appointment up an hour.
Dang.
Good lookin' out.
How's the meeting going? Man, there ain't one bangable dude up in this piece.
Well, except for this one guy with the hat.
Oh, no.
Scratch that.
He got white-trash eyes.
Man, what you looking at, sparrow-man? Mr.
Cullens.
- Phillip Cullens? - Yeah.
But you can call me - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- That's just like Phil Collins! You know what I feel comin' in the air tonight? You pronouncing my name wrong a bunch.
- Just call me Chozen.
- Okay, Chozen.
The first thing we gots to do is get you a J-O-B.
A jack-off boy? Yo got all this here too? Nasty.
I'm talking 'bout a job.
Oh, I got that work.
I'm a rapper.
Oh, "rapper", huh? I know how y'all get down.
Got but one thing on y'all dirty thug minds.
Make the ass clap.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Ooh, work it, girl.
Work it, girl.
Look back at it.
Ow.
Yo.
I appreciate the butt-cheek control.
Truly.
It is excellent.
But your booty ain't makin' shit happen in my dick area.
- Oh, you playin' hard to get.
- More like impossible.
We'll see about that, sugar.
This one came in today.
Might be a good fit.
"Impresario in the fields of liquor, fashion, and entertainment seeks team player to join his team of players.
"Love of luxury items, high end cuisine, and street knowledge a must.
" It's like whoever wrote this must've scanned my dreamscape.
Thank you, miss Po-Po.
Thank you.
- Call me Tanesha.
- Tanesha, fine.
Once again.
I see ya titties.
But I am not with it like that.
Hey.
Respect yourself.
Top floor.
- What about you? - Six.
Yo, you happy on six? Throw some bangs on that shiny-ass melon and you might make it to seven.
Hey.
Respect yo'self.
Oh.
No way! Yo, M.
J.
's glove? Yo, a Spike Lee joint.
One of 2 Chainz chains.
Oh, snap! He got two 2 Chainz chains! Holy mary mother of god.
They got a 20th century popping corn machine.
Man.
Who is this guy? Whoa.
Hold up.
Yo, it can't be.
Oh, my god.
My new boss is a huge Phantasm fan! You trimmed up, chubb rock.
Ten years in the clink did a body good.
Phantasm.
Man, it's bad enough I'm face to face with my mortal enemy, but what's even worse is you're probably gonna get this job.
- Homeboy's got all your shit.
- It is my shit, stupid.
I hope you don't mind having these hollow-point dispensers pointed at your dome piece.
Man, cut the theatric address.
Why am I here? I've been lookin' for someone to buff my big-ass head, roll my blunts, and clean up the leopard dumps when my leopard dumps.
- I thought I'd throw you a quick bone.
- You framed my ass! Get over yourself.
I've framed a lot of fools.
It's true.
Son of a bitch framed me.
Then gave me the best job I ever had.
Dad, shut the [bleep] up.
Look here, brother.
I can't say I'm proud of everything I did.
But I can say I wanna make things right.
You cannot put a price on a man's dreams.
- I'll pay you $400 a week.
- That is a lot of money.
Real talk, can't no one do for you what I can.
I'm a corporation, an icon, a goddamn energy source.
You want a piece? That's easy.
Just admit I'm the man, and kiss my converse.
Man, I ain't kissing nothing.
And for the record, your rhymes are still corny as hell.
You step in that elevator, and the truth's gonna hit you real quick.
You're like a big-ass encino man.
Irrelevant as a two-way pager.
Man, you ain't never gonna do any better than this.
Wrong! You better watch that ass, 'cause I'm gunning for you.
Try your best, chump.
But never forget, I'll always be one step ahead of you.
When I was in jail, I always liked dudes one step ahead of me.
- Ugh.
- This ain't over! See what we got, okay, we got a "l," that's and a "G" and another "G" I don't these buttons is confus Look, I'm just gonna hit "mezzanine" and then find my way out from there.
This ain't over! Look, I tried to be the bigger man, but if Phantasm wants a war, he gon' get one.
And I've been dreaming up ways to crush his bitch ass.
Yah! Whah! Gaggada-gaggada whah! Finish him off! Hold up.
You can't do that.
"No" duh, Crisco.
That's why they called "fantasies.
" I still can't believe dude offered you a job.
He offered me slavery.
Eh duh hey, di did he ask about us? I don't know.
I stopped listening when he pissed me off.
But as members of my crew, you are de facto caught up in a rap beef, which by its very nature can be unpredictable.
Is this a "slash your tires" beef, or a "slash your throat" beef? Could be anything, really.
I mean, his boys are strapped.
But you know Phanto.
He likes to show off.
Look, players, this is my fight.
If you're here only to bounce I will not stay in your - Okay, bye.
- Peace out.
Oh.
For real? Let 'em go.
I'm with you, brother.
What's the move? Man, I got it all worked out.
Diss tracks.
Youtube videos of me talking trash.
Put some little white dots up next to his face, classic Perez Hilton-style.
- I'm gonna own that fool! - Mm.
Kinda soft.
Think about it.
What's a celebrity fear the most? Click, click.
Yeah.
How'd a little black bean get mixed in with all these pintos? - Neighborhood watch.
- Babysittin' again? Always, dawg.
Hey, quick.
Get in before Tati escapes.
- Yo.
Is that a dog leash? - It works for kids too.
Hey, only three more hours.
Then it's bedtime, Chooch.
- Make me, pendejo.
- Ah, he's a good kid, and shit.
- Man, this Phantasm beef got me shook.
- Hey relax, dawg.
We'll just kick it here until it all blows over.
We could watch my new TV.
It's high definition and shit.
I don't know why I'm trippin'.
Phantasm's got better things to do than to mess with us.
I'll get troy to bring some food over.
Get down.
Oh, shit.
Nobody has ever gotten a scar on their face from doing something good.
- You sure your friend can get in? - Oh, she'll get in.
Question.
Do you just jerk off to yourself all day, or what? How does that work? Jimmy.
Please.
Don't be ignorant.
Okay.
So what I'm gonna do is hit the VIP, get up on Phantasm And flash me the full "Scottish good morning.
" Exactly.
You get the shot, and tomorrow, I'm the finest bitch on T.
M.
Z.
Mm.
My church is gonna be so pissed! You sure you good with this? 'Cause I don't want you to feel, like, like, exploded and shit.
No, honey.
The only one getting exploded tonight is his dumb ass.
- VIP only.
- Black, move yo' ass.
Good morning, Vietnam.
Mm.
This is bullshit.
I ain't dyin' for Chozen's fat ass.
Hey, don't try to scare to me, dawg.
Just be quiet and we'll be fine.
Chooch.
Shut up.
Phew.
Stop.
Ooh.
That's some high-grade sweater meat.
Oh.
It's going down now.
Shit.
Yo, we best be rollin'.
You got Katie Couric in the morning.
Sorry, kitten.
We'll have to play another time.
Is he gone yet? Nuh-uh.
He's waiting by the curb.
With a book.
And a briefcase.
This is just like the movies.
That's his kill kit.
Hey.
What happened to Troy? - What are you doing here, homes? - You on a stakeout, pig? No.
I'm not an officer of the law.
Prove it, esse.
- Hit this.
- Uh, no.
Thank you.
Um, asthmatic, y'all.
You don't take a pull, we got a problem.
- Hmm.
White bol likes to get wet.
- Dusty.
- I'm sorry you didn't get your picture.
- Well, thank you for tryin'.
I'm gonna hit another spot.
You wanna come? Nah, I'm just gonna finish my $28 Courvoisier - and then just walk my fat ass home.
- How about I'll give you a ride? I can guarantee you that something weird will totally not happen.
Oh.
Hey, I'm not paying for this! Tough night, boo boo? Oh, hell no.
Yes.
Vagina.
- What the - Don't worry.
I killed it.
Always one step ahead, stupid.
- Yo.
But - Admit it.
You liked it.
Maybe.
Phil, why does it smell like pussy? Fool a dude once it's shame on you fool a dude twice then he's the fool try a third time thinking it's the charm that ass best be ready for some bodily harm you can't beat 'em yo I beat 'em harder I'm breakin' balls I'm makin' martyrs focusin' on all yo' weaknesses I breed this thorough just like the freak this is ain't no justice it's just me 1.
000 kilowatt shoot light through your smokescreen ain't gon' be no "I" in your team I'm comin' straight for ya no vaseline final solution retribution ain't no time for a stay of execution the devil's at your door and he comin' in - # Game over.
# - # I win.
# - This is the only way.
- I know.
Nice try, buster.
I saw that dick comin' a mile away.
But no one sees Chauncey until it's too late.
Vagina.
What can I say, man? You's was right.
I feel like a straight butthole.
You win, man.
There is worse things in this world then having to kiss another man's converse.
Game's game.
Know what I'm sayin'? Somebody gotta be C-breezy, and somebody gotta be riri.
- Am I riri? - Yes.
You're riri.
But now we even Steven.
When you was away, I had a lot of time to think about these feelings I got up in my chest.
You know, you've always had that thing.
Shit just came natural and easy for you.
Me, I had to struggle every step of the way to get mines.
Real talk? I ain't got no friends.
No real friends, anyway.
I cry myself to sleep on the regular.
I don't even write my rhymes anymore.
Sometimes a thug would trade it all just to have his homies.
Sounds like some old bitch shit to me.
Game.
Sir.
Boom-shocka-locka.
I win.
And what you think you gon' do with that? Man, I got you on tape saying some soft shit.
The whole world is about to know what a pussy the mighty Phantasm truly is.
Too bad I just cut a single about how I miss my friend Chauncey.
How do I know who's really down loves me for me and not my crown I miss my boys but the music's love can money ever be enough? Hm.
I'm going deep on that one.
It's called nuance.
And the critics are gonna love it.
Go ahead.
Post your little Youtube clip.
Help me flip some iTunes, fat boy.
And so the beef goes on.
Hey.
Wake up, man.
See if the coast is clear.
Ah.
He's gone, dawg.
Thank god, yo.
I'm starving.
Let's go eat.
If you let me get the diaper bag and pack a pair of shit, we cool.
Aw, shit.
No! All my, we gonna rap! Open up.
I know you in there.
Enough of this shit.
I ain't livin' in fear no more.
- Eh But that scar, dude.
- Who knows where he got that from? He might just be a clumsy dude.
You know what we gotta do, right? You putas wouldn't last a day at my school.
- Stand down, stupid.
- Hey.
Where you from, bitch? - I don't wanna die.
- You don't have to do this, dawg.
- Take a look into your heart, and shit.
- Just make it fast.
- No! No! - Not the kids! - You're not gonna take it.
- Behind on payments.
You want this shit back, then call Vernita at customer service.
Also were you happy with my repossession today? If so, please fill out this survey for a chance to win a brand new television.
That was some messed-up shit.
That was.
Hey, yo.
Whatever happened to Troy? Shoryuken! but she killed it.
So, that's the one positive I got out of this situation.
Not gonna be a daddy, yo.
So, would you say you identify as bi then? Well, I identify you as a silly little bitch, Terrence.
So, why you gotta keep labeling our asses every five minutes? Just chill.
You guys? I think what Tracy is trying to say is that there's not one uniform definition of what queer means.
I guess.
I mean honestly, no disrespect, y'all, I don't even know what "LGBT" means.
Like, lesbian guys and, like, guys bacon and tomato.
Call yourself what you like.
Own that shit.
If it feels good, do it.
Me, I'm Chozen.
And I am just a sex person.
Ca-caw! Ca-caw! Sparrow-man.
Ooh.
I hate that dude's shitty face.