Chozen (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

Da Director

1 Ew.
Oh yeah.
[announcer] Are you an artist that is struggling to get his music heard? Are you still living with a family member and you're not paying rent? Eric.
We buy tissues for a reason.
- And when you gettin' a job? - Shut up, Mom.
[announcer] Shit, bitch better shut up 'cause you's about to be a baller.
That's a $40 hat, yo.
[announcer] All you need to do is upload a video to "Thuggstar hiphop's next big thang contest.
" The winner gets a spot on our front page.
Oh, hell yeah.
[announcer] But if that ain't enough, first prize is 10 grand from our sponsor 45 hour energy.
45 hour energy it's pretty much cocaine.
But remember, y'all can't win if you don't enter.
So don't get caught slippin'.
[announcer #2] Creative forfeits all rights and compensation in perpetuity to Thuggstar hiphop, a subsidiary of shing-na chemical and rubber, incorporated.
That cash is mine.
Internet, I'm comin' for that ass.
- Shh.
- Hey, don't shush me, girl.
These two dudes is lookin' up pipe bombs.
Those gloves ain't foolin' no one, cutter.
It gets better, y'all.
Somebody's gon' die.
[title music] 1x04 - "Da Director" And that is why to the untrained eye the works of Sofia Coppola appear to be terrible, boring, and a waste of time.
[Chozen] Tracy.
[clears throat] - Can I help you? - Why, yes.
Fancy teacher.
I am looking for Tracy Cullens.
Watch out.
Yo, white precious.
Can you move for a second? - [sighs] What do you want? - Well, I am here to inform you that I'mma put a video on the internet and get hood rich and very famous.
That's the first time anybody's ever thought of that.
[clears throat] Excuse me.
Why you all up in my business, Nick Fury? Look.
I got a supreme vision.
And you know how to do all the boring technical shit that no one really cares about.
Will you be my producer? - No.
- You ain't even seen my storyboardses! Ugh.
Can you please just get outta here.
Yo, solid snake.
I got a cinematic question.
What woulda happened if Marty McFly banged his moms.
I mean, would she have given birth to him, or, like, a weird splice-baby between him and that crispix glover dude? [laughs] Oh, man.
Time travel's confusing.
Hey, yo, Troy.
Meal card.
First prize is ten G's.
But better than that, all of AmErica, and at least half the Orient, will know who I am.
If you really wanna win this thing, You should get drunk hood rats beatin' the shit out of each other in front of a fast food joint.
Knockouts get mad hits.
[laughs] I ain't aimin' to be the hood Bob Saget.
I'm talkin' about birthin' a masterpiece.
A critical darlin'.
A genuine game-changer like when Nelly swiped his credit card through that girl's butt crease.
- Cherry Boys assemble.
- Not now, Manesh.
Come on.
Please? Wait.
Cherry Boys? Yes.
We are a once-proud society of virgin men on campus.
[laughs] - Wait y'all playin' right now, right? - There are only two of us left.
Bein' a virgin is a secret that you hide deep inside you.
Like grape-flavored cigarillos during a cavity search.
Cool chain, slumdog.
Tracy, have you decided on a subject matter for your documentary yet? Yes.
I met a homeless crackhead, but he decided to get sober.
- Selfish prick.
- Who was that colorful individual who came into class today? Yeah, sorry.
That was my brother.
He's he was in jails for a while so, he's he's just not so good with class protocol, or just, like, life.
But he's gonna be a rapper, though.
So, it's all gonna work out.
Some people say, "giving a voice to struggle can produce a great truth.
" Jesus Christ.
Is it too late to drop this class? [laughter] Oh, man.
Tyler Perry, you ain't no woman.
[laughter] Hey.
Are you still looking for someone to film your music video? I sent a MySpace message to Hype Williams, but I ain't heard back yet.
I'm interpreting that as a hard maybe.
Well, I was doing some thinking about your offer, - and you're right.
- Oh my god, thank you! And of course, stupid.
This could be an awesome opportunity to really partner up on something together.
- Okay.
But I'm the boss.
- Absolutely.
I'll just DP.
Even if we could find another dude, [laughs] I don't roll like that.
Also, you my sister, dummy.
The "director of photography.
" I don't care who you get.
It's still a moral gray area.
A'ight, people! Somebody get me a jelly bean.
Oh, I did it.
I did it.
Didn't you see the sock on the door? That's the code for painting Gundam.
You know this.
"F" your gundam.
I'm a man now.
Commander Bashida! You know Erica? The cutie down the hall? She asked me to fix her computer.
Easy peasy.
Then we had sex.
Shirts off.
Oh, my god.
How was it? Oh.
Remember in "Days of Yore," when your smithing level got high enough to make dragon armor? - Yeah, that was life-changing.
- Almost as good as that! [Erica] Manesh.
I'm waiting.
Gotta feed the meter.
But what about the brotherhood of the cherry? Oh.
Cherry go pop.
The theme for this short music movie is - the movies.
- Oh, that's good.
- That's like Michael Bay good.
- Oh my god.
Thank you.
Now, I was thinkin' we could get Patrick Swayze to cameo.
That dude hasn't worked for a while.
- He's dead.
- What? How you gon' tell me this right before we shoot? That's pretty common knowledge.
Look, just shut up! Move over, Peter, because a celestial roadhouse just got a beautiful new bouncer, and one heck of a surfer.
It's for you, Bodhi.
It's for you.
Hi, Tracy.
I just happen to have an extra extra-hot soy latte.
It's not like if I give it to you, you'll have to have sex with me.
[laughs] - What? - Uh, nothing.
Um, h hey, Chozen.
- Hey.
Call me "da director.
" - Hey, da director.
Can I talk to you, like, private style? [sighs] Manesh had sex.
Like, legitimate, penetrative coitus.
[laughs] Little man puttin' some life in that pie.
I'm happy for him, and all, but now I'm the last virgin and I don't know what to do.
Help me, Chozen-Wan Kenobi.
You're my only hope.
First of all, you need to stop quotin' Star Trek.
Second, I ain't got time for your hymen.
I'm composin' shots, and realizin' visions.
I'll be the laughing stock of the whole Quidditch team.
Shut up.
If Sean Penn could fix Haiti, I guess I could get you laid.
I'mma put my top pussy men on the case.
[grunts] God damn.
It won't fit.
- I think it's rusted.
- I'll wet it up, dawg.
[spits] - 'Sup? - Now, go shave those nuts, slap on some drakkar, and get to practicin' your "oh" face.
[laughs] Listen up, y'all.
" "Errybody" listen up.
We are about to embark on a massive undertaking.
This will be the single most meaningful experience of yo' lives.
So, all I ask is that you follow a few basic and highly-reasonable ground rules.
Get in my shot, I kill you.
Step in my light, I will kill you.
Eat one of my snackwells? That's cool.
Just kidding.
I'll kill you.
We family.
Let's do this.
This is going to be a disaster.
[Tracy] I'm counting on it.
Hustle up, fat ass.
We losin' light.
Or you blockin' the light, you fat son of a bitch.
[groans] Why are you so excited about gettin' Troy's dick wet? Hey, if you were stuck in a sex desert, wouldn't you want someone to give you - a cold glass of pussy? - Cold? What'd I tell you? Hey, pump up that jodeci - and fill them balls up.
- You full of shit right now.
If Troy gets his churro chewed, he'll stop obsessing over Tracy.
My Tracy.
You feel me? All right.
And how you plan on doin' that, Romeo? Easy, dawg.
I got 40 bucks, three pounds of carne asada, and candy kingdom.
[Troy] What is this place? They call it, "casa de la raña peluda.
" - Ooh.
It sounds exotic.
- Yeah.
It means "whore house.
" It's a rite of passage for all the boys in the neighborhood.
Once we turn 11, our fathers take us to Esmeralda.
- Ricardo.
It's time.
- I'm, like, really scared, papi.
[laughs] Que lindo.
It is okay.
How is his pinga? It's good for his age.
Small but strong.
Just like his papa.
[Esmeralda] Come, little one.
But be quiet.
Jonbi is sleeping.
Who the hell is Jonbi? [dog barking] Oh, dear god.
Jonbi looks pissed.
[Crisco] That ain't Jonbi.
- [Jonbi] Jon-bi - That's Jonbi.
Aah! And, cut.
I'm impressed.
I didn't know Psycho was one of your favorite movies.
Are you kiddin'? Showers, blood I mean, so relatable to my life, specifically.
I'm gonna need you to act like I'm really gonna stab you, or else I will stab you for real.
- What? - Take deuce.
Goin' again.
Aaa and, action.
[Chozen] Marcy.
You're in my shot, girl.
To the left.
Further left.
And Marcy ran into a pole, ladies and gentlemen.
Might wanna change that tampon, Marcy.
Don't need no negativity on my set.
Decaf? This is some bullshit.
[screams] Aah! [screams] Damn it.
One of those assholes looked directly into the camera.
We goin' again.
[groans] [Troy] Not gonna lie, this is kind of creepy.
So, how did you lose yours, Crisco? Well [kissing] Before we start, I just wanna say I'm really glad I could do this with my best friend.
- Aw.
Me too.
- I love you, Denice.
[moans] [Denice] Up! Up! Up! - [Crisco] Where is it? - I don't know.
It's like I was born knowin' exactly what to do.
Some guys are just good like that.
[grunts] Oh shit.
[Crisco] Jonbi.
[grunts] Um, so, is this like the only prostitution option we have? Jonbi.
Hey, what's up, dawg? Remember me? I brought you a present, dawg.
I know you like presents.
Candy kingdom.
Hey hey.
He's distracted.
Get in there.
[grunts] Candy kingdom.
[gasps] Oh.
Are you frightened, chiquito? No I'm I'm Troy.
What kinda oil is this? I told you grape seed.
This is nasty-ass olive.
I'm gonna smell like Rachael Ray's pussy for the next week.
[ringtone] Oh.
Whose cell phone is that? [ringtone] Duncan.
You cake brand bitch.
I knew it was you.
[ringtone] See, Marcy? Do you see? [whimpering] Oh, you gon' cry? Aw.
You don't know what pain is, Duncan.
Try having two black disciples stretchin' you out on Sloppy Joe night.
That's pain! I am a fulbright scholar.
I don't deserve to be treated like this.
- Come on, Marcy.
- That's right.
Get on up outta here.
You fired.
You see, that's what you get for hirin' a bunch of unprofessional student persons.
Don't worry, Xerxes.
Got everything I need.
- No shit? - Uh, yeah.
We're good.
Oh, okay.
Well, that's a wrap, then.
I am not feelin' any friction right now.
[Ricky] Hey, Jonbi.
Back to gumdrop forest, bitch.
[laughs] [growls] Dude.
Just let him win.
One-way ticket to taffy tunnel, puto.
[grunts] Ooh.
Is that working for you? Your nipples are weird.
- Mm, my boy has big teeth.
- Oh.
[Troy] Oh my god.
I sense your heart is with another.
You're the first person to really get me, Esmeralda.
I am still going to need that $40.
[Jonbi] Mama.
[Jonbi] Mama.
[Jonbi grunting] - Aah.
- Small, but strong.
- Uh, you remember to me? - Oh, Esmeralda never forgets.
Hurry up.
I think there's something wrong with him.
Aye, lo siento.
He gets like this when he's hungry.
Jonbi! Mm.
[laughs] I thought for a second there you were gonna breastfeed him.
Oh, si.
I am.
The chocolate is for me.
Chocolate milk.
Chocolate milk.
[moans] [snoring] Thank you, Thuggstar, for this most religilous award.
Ten large.
And this fitted cap is tight.
By which I mean it fits me perfectly.
I owe it all to myself.
And to my baby sister.
But mostly myself.
I just had the trillest dream.
Which one of you Judases ate my snackwells? [Chozen] You see the sleeve all open and shit? Lettin' air all up in my devil's food.
[Tracy voiceover] At the end of the day, Phil remains a boy trapped inside a man trapped inside a wife beater.
[applause] Bravo, Tracy.
You've given us this incredible and touching portrait of a broken man.
And delusional.
You forgot violent.
And super sensitive.
Thought I'd find ya here.
You get a good grade on yo project? Yeah.
I got an "A" Plus.
- Can I "axe" you somethin'? - Sure.
Yo, did you shoot any of my video? Or was you just running game? It's not like you've never taken advantage of me before.
I would never cross that line.
You don't pay rent.
My place reeks of menthols and ball sweat.
Somehow there's always pubes in the butter.
- And you're wearing my sweatpants.
- Take 'em back.
I laid down tracks in 'em anyway.
They're yours now.
- So, you're mad at me? - No.
I just didn't expect to get played by my own blood.
Come on.
You know, in the joint you gotta hide your dreams.
Soon as people find out you got ambition beyond the walls, all they wanna do is tear you down.
I thought you were my sister.
Turns out, you just another wall.
[moans] Mm.
Everything cool? [groans] [moans] Oh, Hunter.
I'mma find you.
I'mma scavenge that ass.
Glad you could make it.
What in the ? Who the? Is this a intervention? Hunter.
You asshole.
How you gonna turn hide and seek and sex into a game of seek and hide and trick a man? Phil.
I promise you're gonna like this.
Tell Tracy that I am not speakin' to her.
Ask Troy what's crack-a-lackin'.
You shut up.
You done enough, stupid.
Are you finished? Last looks final touches quiet on the set while I twist up my dutches watch that ass don't step in my light 'cause I got final cut on yo life Oscar winner into wieners over budget silver screeners Sly as hell got that Rambo flow creatin' worlds that you ain't never seen befo' da director ron Predator x-rated no need for an editor I'm an auteur you's a hater gleam more cubes than my homeboy Chris Slater my flicks is sick special effects I go hard bring pain with a panaflex next step cinema glory da director based on a true-ass story It it's it's perfect.
Hey, y'all.
It's a few minutes till they announce the winner on Thuggstar.
I won't even front, little sister.
That video was tight.
I mean, I win that money I'mma dry-clean those sweatpants that I shit in, earlier.
Kinda had my eye on a camera.
Now ain't the time to be selfish, but if you get one, I might let you direct the sequel.
Hey, Tracy.
That was super cool.
- Very cinematic.
- Why you still got that necklace on? I thought Esmeralda juiced that berry.
- Esmeralda? - Long story short, she a hoe.
And she feeds titty milk to her grown-ass son.
Of course.
Troy was too chicken and couldn't stick it in.
Shut up, Ricky.
I want my first time to be with someone special.
[laughter] It ain't about the heart.
It's about the hole.
Ah, don't listen to him.
I think it's sweet.
[groans] Either someone is boilin' mushrooms, or my boy Troy just busted a nut.
N no, I didn't.
N no.
No nut was busted.
- Them khakis gettin' juicy, Troy.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry, Tracy.
- Take that back, Troy! You never apologize for spillin' yo' seed.
You a virgin no longer.
It's on.
[announcer] And now, Thuggstar hiphop proudly presents the Next Big Thang.
Bitches hittin' bitches that's right bitches hittin' bitches all I need is bitches hittin' bitches swag bitches hittin' bitches bitches hittin' bitches that's right all I need is bitches hittin' bitches swag I told y'all.
Some shit never change.
What can I say? [laughs] That was a classic.
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