Chozen (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

Laced

1 Hey.
You in my seat.
- Oh, uh - Shh.
And that's my gum.
- Yo.
You hate Nazis too? - I hate everybody.
Oh, man.
That's silly.
Yeah, I'm gonna get out of here.
I'm gonna tear it up.
Hard to believe this is the last time we'll be soaping up together.
I know.
You're like one of those dudes that you meet at camp, and your boys from home get pissed off when you keep talking about your camp friends.
And you're like, "damn, chill.
We were in camp together.
We went through things.
" I don't know what camp is.
Is this a blow-bang or couples' therapy? Shut up, trout.
Your mouth is for one thing.
And it ain't words.
1x05 - Laced - Thise place is nice, isn't it? - Be a lot nicer if we had some dessert.
I mean, I'm eyeing this deep-dish cajun cookie pizza.
We'll have one of these.
Hey, why don't you get under the table? I'll have my cookie, and you will have your thing.
- There are families here.
- I know.
It sucks.
But don't worry, I can block 'em out.
Tracy told me about this crazy party.
I mean, DJ's.
Lasers.
A grip of sporty-ass dudes.
It's gonna be bananers.
Yeah.
I was hoping maybe we'd just go home and Netflix something.
Oh, no more "orange is the new black.
" Women in prison? Who ever heard of such a thing? Okay, Mr.
Boring.
We're blowing up this spot - whether you like it or not.
- What? Dine and dash! Oh, I love this game! - 400 bucks? - Red stitch and yellow laces? Ah, this is a Kazuo Kadashi.
The most famous blind graffiti artist in Tokyo.
If you want ugly-ass shoes, my cousin Rosa can hook you up.
She has two lazy eyes and a lobster hand.
We're not buying.
They're having a sneaker release party here Friday night.
All the shot-callers are gonna be there.
Do I need to help you? Brooklyn Chan! It's real dope meeting you in person.
I retweet your thoughts all the time.
Oh, word.
Guess you didn't see my last tweet about how crazy busy I am.
Yeah, you got that Kazuo air maximus party coming up, right? Sold out, homey.
Guest list full.
Peace.
Yeah, you know.
It's just, my crew, we'd love to do a set.
Yeah.
Classic, bro.
Hey, remember in high school when phanto used to rock those L.
A.
Gears with the blinking lights and shit? Sk what-what-what? Wha-what? Rewind.
You know Phantasm? Uh, yeah.
We were his original crew.
We pretty much defined him.
Right on, homey.
I dig that old-school throwback angle.
- See you on Friday.
- Oh, thanks, Brooklyn.
- You're a solid dude.
- Uh-huh.
Gotta jet.
My guy at the morgue just spotted a dead hobo with a mint pair of '91 pumps.
What? Oh jeez.
Uh, no, Dragon lord, I don't believe ten sacks of barley will suffice.
Your castle is mine.
Oh, jeez.
Things got a little hot out there on the quad.
Mind if I cool my heels? Damn, Troy.
You looking like an old man's dick.
- Sorry.
- "Days of yore," huh? Mushrooms.
Feathered hair.
Sex with dwarves? When's this game set? Summer of '87? "Doy" is the most immersive fantasy RPG ever made.
I haven't slept in two days, but the quest will never end.
Mm.
Why don't you just go on a little date with my friend Addy? The most popular girl in school.
She'll keep you up all night long.
- I don't - Nut up, wild man.
Well, if it will help me keep playing, maybe.
Whoa.
Mouth shots.
Hardcore! Yep.
I feel it.
Hi.
Do you want to stop domestic vio Wesley is the only man who could bring Blade to life.
I got number two right here.
You wanna see homeboy drop the hammer on some dirty crackhead vampires? No, I got class in the morning.
- Why don't you call Hunter? - Man, Hunter don't appreciate urban action fantasies.
He's always saying he wants to connect emotionally.
Twilight nukka.
Hey, Tracy? What if we were daywalkers? Go to bed.
Good night, Blade.
Good night, Whistler.
Good night, Deacon Frost.
Good night, rest of the amazing cast of Blade.
Oh, that smells like my black shadow.
Yeah, I could always pin you in three moves.
Hey, Jamal.
You wanna watch Blade 2? Hell yes.
This is the best part of being on the outside.
You can have whatever you want.
I mean, what you in the mood for, boo? Chinese? Mexican? Deli? Or perhaps a desert person? I wonder if little dude's a pharaoh.
- About time.
Shit.
- Forgive me.
I didn't know we was on your schedule, negro.
He got you, man.
I saw it.
Y'all was scared.
Ricky.
Crisco.
This is my number one homey from the pen.
- It's Jamal St.
Clair.
- Hey, what's good? Hey dog, I did feel, like, a little afraid inside, for like a second.
But now it's funny to me.
Hah! Jamal is always a good time.
Oh man.
So many stories.
Jamal, tell 'em what you always tell me.
- I ain't scared to die.
- Oh! He ain't.
He ain't afraid to die! So, yo, check it.
I got us this gig Yeah-yeah-yeah.
Sounds cool.
Look, I'mma grab some gyros.
Jamal.
You will not believe the sauce, man.
It is off-the-chain tangy! So what what were you in for? I was balls deep in the Napster game.
Also, I lit a man on fire.
- Oh shit! - Why you burn to him, dog? - For being Mexican.
- What? Yo, I'm just playing, Mexican.
I ain't prejudiced.
He was a brother.
Hey, man, these some funny dudes.
Ah, damn! That's some kick.
Oh.
You still gassy as ever.
That's my bad.
Try some of this bahbahgabloosh.
I'm gonna stab whoever made this.
Yo dawg, you make my nuts sing all day, erryday, it's the same old thing pulling pranks, laughing a lot playful spanks, damn dude, you're hot a sunny afternoon, full of delights window-shopping, betting on fights you're beautiful, so damn strong that twinkle in your eye make me wanna go long deep-balling straight to your end-zone all my other bitches on the bench in the friend-zone movie night, my favorite shit hole in the popcorn, hope I fit let's escape into magical stories the perfect date, and I'm feelin' horny that's just the way it is when you come around and you know I'll be down wanna hold you a little too tight sexual warfare, each and erry night passion so unique chocolate and vanilla filthy sweet we like long-lost brothers the only difference is we touch each other what can I say? You the shit rough neck with a cool-ass dick You know, I always wanted a son.
Why doesn't everyone do this constantly? I've been asking the same question for 39 years.
- Who's that? - Oh, that's Queen Vaginismis of the Frigid isles.
You must impregnate her with your, you know, dick glue to fulfill the Slissian prophecy.
Oh, impregnate, sure.
Of course.
I'm her man.
Come forward, champion.
Enter! Jimmy, just be careful.
Sometimes you end up so deep in the realm that you you can't find your way out.
Hey.
I lived in a corn maze for 42 days.
- Uh, I don't - Give me that keyboard.
Enter.
- Hi.
Is is Chozen here? - Nope.
It's just, I brought taquitos.
And we usually watch the Mentalist.
- Starts in five minutes.
- TV broke.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well, it's working.
I'm looking at it.
You ain't half bad.
Long eyelashes.
Soft-ass skin.
Two lips.
I might even milk my snake to you later.
But Chozen don't want you no more.
He was using you as a dick-warmer for me.
Guess who made taquitos? First, you might wanna toss the salad.
Then you can eat my asshole.
As we both watch the Mentalist.
Best.
Day.
Ever.
Yo.
- Yeah.
- That was dope, yo.
Ugh! Yeah, that was tight.
Yo, what you think, son? It was a'ight.
You were good, believe me.
But them two? Pssh, you know.
- No, I don't know.
- Put it like this, Crisco.
That was like watching an eagle try to fly with two dumb-ass weights strapped to his legs.
Yo, inspired metaphoricals, Jamal.
I am a eagle.
You gonna let this guy dog our music? What he know anyway? I'll tell you what I know.
872,000 tracks downloaded.
Chart-toppers.
Deep cuts.
B-sides.
Unreleased gems, brother.
Live bootlegs.
And not that bo-bo shit.
Soundboard feeds, son.
What you know about string cheese and the lips?! Webster hall? New Year's eve? Y2K? What you know? - What? - Uh Jamal's kinda into jam bands.
- Oh.
Like Phish.
- Hell no.
Point is, I know good music.
And y'all ain't it.
Say that to our fans after we kill it on Friday night.
Oh, right, right.
The shoe store.
Heh.
What? The phone booth was booked? Hey, a lot of dudes get their start at the shoe store.
Yeah.
The dudes who work at the shoe store.
Hey, man, if these suckers don't want my expertise, I will take my talents elsewhere.
Ugh.
See.
Now y'all did it.
I'mma be giving that brother back-rubs for, like, a year.
Ay, hold up, J.
Man, back in the day, all you talked about was making it to the top.
Not some bougie-ass shoe locker.
You should be playing half-time shows.
Carpet events.
Dick Clark's New Year's rockin' eve.
You ain't payless.
You pay-more.
- Yeah, but those are my boys.
- Oh yeah? Your boys, huh? And where were they when big ray was gonna take your shower shoes? What about Stinky Steve straight farting on your potatoes? Or when Black-ass Billiam done stabbed you in the sternum area? Oh god.
I can still smell those tots.
Man, all these memories got me hungry-like.
How about we grab some fries? No stank.
- What time is it? - Ah, who gives a shit? - What day is it? - Days mean nothing - within the realm.
- Oh my god oh my god.
- What? - We're here.
The Veil of Mordath.
The quest is almost over.
If we totally die tonight, whether in battle or from our hearts exploding because an overdose of drugs, I can tell you one thing.
- It's been a pretty good time.
- It's been a pretty great time, Jimmy.
Darkwood, land of the ogre death nears for a brave young soldier Galwin, an elven legend prepares to join his fallen brethren have no fear, grok's on the scene berzerker beasts, sword never clean unlikely friends face mutual foes a fellowship is born and so the story goes one elf, one man travel North to the spire of Shatan near awaits a princess captured if she dies, the realm will rapture strong of heart, our heroes hatch a scheme form a new alliance with the young spider queen climb the tower with the fruits of her gland victory awaits at the tip of the strand days of yore days of yore days of yore yore No! Hi, Phil.
Why don't you take a seat? Okay.
Phil.
We got a room full of people who just love you to pieces.
We're gonna say a few things.
You're gonna listen.
And then we're done.
Oh, dope! A roast? Don't go easy, y'all.
I can take it.
Dear Chozen, your relationship with Jamal is Oh, snap! Here come the Jamal jokes.
Oh, J, where you hiding at? Ugh, this isn't a roast, Phil! We're here to talk to you about Jamal.
- What, like how good he is for me? - He's not good for you.
I don't know what you talking about, Hunter.
You stood me up on must-see Mondays.
Oh my god.
Jamal stole my taquitos and kicked me out.
Lies! Filthy-ass lies! J would never take credit for another man's taquitos.
You just jealous because Jamal lives for today.
- So stupid.
- Hey, dog, you're missing rehearsal.
And the one time you do show up, Black Yoko shits all over our music.
He told me y'all would be like this.
Oh yeah? Did he tell you that he stole my diamond earrings? He was gifted those from his rich Uncle Jonathan.
Phil.
Do you know how crazy you sound? The dude has been filling your head with nonsense.
The only thing dude is filling me with is knowledge.
And also splashes of other things.
Bottom line, bro.
It's him or us.
It's me.
- This place sucks.
- 'Sup, Jamal? - 'Sup, Joshua? - Who's Joshua? Don't worry about Joshua.
- What's he cooking? - The rent.
Where do I plug in my movie machine? - In the plug.
- Oh.
Uh - What? - Just trying to find the TV.
We ain't got no TV.
It was stolen.
Back.
- Any other complaints? - Nope.
No, we can make it work.
You know, just paint the walls.
Cop a leather-style sofa.
Maybe lay down a rug to cover up all them millipedes.
Them's Joshua's friends.
And that window.
That's for shits.
Ugh.
I feel weird out here in public.
- We need to get back in the realm.
- Man, what's glory worth to you? Everything.
Nothing.
All I have.
- I'll suck a dick for glory.
- Shh! Shh.
Shh.
Pssshh.
- Do you see her? - It's the princess.
I bet you could climb that tower.
I could totally climb that tower.
This the tightest whip I ever seen, man.
Your rich Uncle Jonathan hooked you up.
Jona-who? Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Jonathan.
Hey, where'd you get those ehrrings again? I don't know.
I forget.
You jacked 'em, didn't you? Don't be tripping.
I got a big surprise.
- Let's ride.
- Yo, you being serious right now? Quit acting the bitch, bitch.
We need scrilla for the necessities.
Food.
Do-rags.
And Joshua's improv classes ain't gonna pay for themselves.
Man, I ain't no bitch.
Josh is an animal man.
I hope he dies today.
You can count me out.
Oh, what you gonna do then, huh? Be a big fancy music star? - Rockin' eve, my ass.
- Well, you may not believe in me.
But there are two dudes in there who do.
And another dude who makes a damn good ta-qui-to.
Uh-uh.
You don't get to choose this choice, Chozen.
You ain't runnin' shit no more.
- Oh.
Oh, so you on top now? - Always have been.
Except for those times I wasn't.
But that was a sensual choice.
Do what I say, punk.
Eh no.
- I'm sober! - Oh shit, man! You're gonna die.
Help! What do I do, Jimmy? Go limp.
Just enjoy the fall, bro.
No.
Who wants to enjoy a fall? Trust me.
If I learned anything from my prom, it's that the drunk driver never gets hurt.
Miss you, Roxie.
We never did have that last dance.
I'm going for the window.
Ew! Ick! No Uh, wassup, Chozen.
Bitch! For the record, I always let you pin me.
Oh body-slam! We over, dog.
Freeze! Nobody move! Oh shit! That was dirty.
Come on! Damn dog.
Kids be looting shit.
Ugh.
People are despicable.
Dude.
Happy anniversary doo-dah doo-dah today is your special day all the doo-dah day Damn, Troy, you almost got decapitated.
Yeah.
I could totally be dead right now.
That nerd shit will melt your brain.
- So you wanna cut out? - Just you and me? I'm thinking Netflix and nut licks all night long.
Dope.
You know what else we could do? Dine and dash! Whoo! Oh, no! I love this game!