Chozen (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

I'm With the Contraband

1 [Chozen] Yo, the best things in life don't last long.
Like nutting, leftover birthday cake, and Joey Fatone's beautiful physique.
Bye, bye, bye.
Oh, goddamn shit! And to think, a week ago, it was all a dream.
Just like B-I-G predicted.
Baby, baby.
[girl giggles] Dude, she's totally into you.
I've had sex 16 times.
I know what I'm talking about.
Bros, stoked you want to get your party on.
But unfortunately, no room for freshman.
I told you we wouldn't get in, Manesh.
Don't worry.
I got this.
Bro, this isn't Mumbai.
There are rules here.
Hey, hey.
I said no fresh-men.
Fresh-women are always welcome.
Ladies, Thatcher Brooks.
Mi casa es su casa.
Can't help it.
Bi-ling.
- Summer in Madrid.
- Ooh.
I hear Spain's amazing.
Hey, guys, we're having a lingerie party next week.
And it would be tops if you guys could just go ahead and kill yourselves.
'Cause I don't really want to have to go through this again.
Adios, compadres.
[title music] 1x06 - I'm With the Contraband They separated the men from the women.
- Just like the goddamn holocaust.
- Exactly like the holocaust.
I'm sure all the women inside there are naked and scared.
All we can do now is drink our cares away.
- Like poets.
- This sucks.
Maybe it was for the best.
All we would've gotten are hangovers, smoke in our hair, and bugs all up in our dick-fur.
- Oh, that sounds awesome.
- Yeah, it kind of does.
- Yo.
What's up, cool dudes? - Oof! [Chozen laughs] Sneak attack! Yo.
All bullshit aside, though, I'mma need that tomorrow.
Heavy on the fabric softener, please.
And don't be using that generic shit.
put snuggles on the case.
Yo, what happened, did George Lucas die? Y'all giving "sausage party" a bad name.
I'm glad I B-Y-O'd my own B.
[Manesh sighs] Aye, tech support, you need to stop reckless eye-balling my macrobrew.
Sorry, we just got frosh-blocked by some fraternity toilet-head.
Goddamn it, man.
I bet the girls are getting drunk right now.
Yeah, probably getting face-blasted, too.
- Those frat dudes move fast.
- This is so unfair.
Freshman guys can't get in anywhere.
No one respects us.
You wouldn't know anything about it.
I did not come to America to be sober.
And that's when I realized I knew these young dudes better than they knew they own selfs.
Dah! And when you really think about it, being a frosh ain't all that different from being a fish.
New to the harsh realities of institutional life.
No connections.
No privacy.
C'mon, smile.
Spread those cheeks.
Cough twice, spread your cheeks.
[in video] Yeah, spread those cheeks, girl.
[man] Spread them cheeks, boy.
Either way, you gots to do your bid.
But a little contraband can turn "hard time" into "the time of yo' life.
" And for the entre-prison-neur, it.
Don't.
Stop.
Rainin'.
Money.
Best of all, I wouldn't have to keep that shit all up in my butt hole.
Yeah! Got that stout liquor to get you there quicker.
Ha! That means beer.
- Yes! - Hey, yo! Fall back.
This fine malt is priced a dollar a shot.
Hippy-hippy-shake! Cocktail style! [bottle breaks] You know what? Make that two bucks a shot.
- Here we go kokomo! - No! The only thing lower than their tolerance for booze was my tolerance for bullshit.
That's almost $100 in money.
I mean, we keep this up, and there's no telling how far we could go.
Maybe you guys could get some new audio equipment.
Silly Troy.
Jay-Z didn't just run out and buy a bunch of music machines.
First he built a solid, yet subtle, criminal enterprise.
Then he got paid and bought fly shit.
Then he rapped about said-fly shit and really got paid.
It's called the blue print.
It's a vicious, lucrative cycle.
Ah, that's a good point, dog.
I'm gonna step up my tooth game I'mma get a shiny-ass new grill.
It's gon' be like rims for lips.
I'mma get me a bike, some leathers, dope helmet, and a little compartment for my sunglasses.
Straight ruff ryders style.
Ruff-ruff! Oh, yeah! Shout-out to dreams within reach! Oh, guys, this is just like the episode of Entourage when curly-haired Vince and his boys stand on top of the roof and talk about how they're gonna run Hollywood and shit.
Is that, that show with those three ugly-ass dudes and turtle? [groans] I like that one.
Ugh.
Oh, dear Jesus, please let E.
T.
be at the end of this candy trail.
Thanks for nothing, Jesus.
Phil, what's going on? - Free enterprise, prison style.
- Most of this stuff is stolen.
In my defense, I did say prison style.
Tracy, I don't know if you were aware, but exploiting the underserved is a time-honored method to unlockin' untold power and riches.
- This smells like trouble.
- [scoffs] Trouble is odorless.
That sweet pungency tickling your nostril holes must be these dead prezzies! Oo-whee, Andy Jackson made a stinky.
- That's just a lil' taste.
- Not interested.
A'ight, just sayin'.
I see you peepin' them high-gloss surfaces.
Luxuries [sighs] [whispers] Luxuries Hey, you got I.
D.
, homey? Underage only, player.
Get outta here.
Oh, right this way, ladies.
Wink.
When you're the only game in town, word spreads fast.
Nearly half the freshmen dorm was up in that joint.
On a school night, you heard? Hi.
You have any Vodka Redbulls? It's gonna be $18, hot shot.
- Uh can I pay with ritalin? - Well, this sounds like good stuff.
80 mg time release.
Big boy pills.
I like your style, son.
All bets are in, then? Fight! Get it! [groans] I'm giving two-to-one on Jared versus homesick from Tampa.
My name's Tim, and I'm just depressed Ugh! I wanna go home! These are free at the health center.
Cool, no problem.
They open at nine.
I'm sure she can wait.
Come on, daddy, let's go.
[giggles] You're gonna go with that one? This one's got spermicide, undercoatin', and a generous reservoir tip.
Or for a dollar more, you get all that - plus protection against vagina goblins.
- Vagina goblins? [giggles] Itchy.
- $10 for 15 minutes.
- Aw, but I won't need that long.
It's not my problem, stud.
Tracy! You gangsta.
Guess it runs in the family.
Heat wave! It's them hogsnouts! Then I remembered, not everyone here spoke prison.
It's a raid, bitches! Go go go! Quite the party here tonight.
I ain't got the foggiest, what the hell you talkin' bout, screw.
Screw, huh? [chuckles] When those peels come off? Just got sprung, but my bit was a bum beef.
What are you, a catch out? I went from new jack to hack, all the way to mighty whitey before I got dirty.
Listen up, inmate.
Freshman dorm is my block, but for 20% of the action, I can get you a dedicated spot.
But what's the catch? 20%.
That sounds fair as hell.
[knocks on steel] - Password.
- We no discuss no password, dog.
How about "Chozen got a big old dong?" I'm not tryin' to talk about your dick, man.
What about "backstrokin' USA?" Hey, Chozen.
What about Beetlejuice? Nice try, Ricky.
I ain't scared.
Why do we need a password? - Every exclusive club has a secret pass - Beetlejuice.
Ricky, do not say that thing a third time! - [playfully] Beetlejuice.
- God damn it, fine! Ricky, if that sumbitch shows up, it's on you.
We all know what he did to Whitney Houston.
- Wait.
Wh-what? - Behold - Our new center of operations! - This place is a shit hole.
And you know what you do with a shit hole? Fill it up with cool things.
Now that we had our own spot, it was more than a hustle.
It was a empire.
- Nice jacket.
You ride? - Yeah.
As soon as I get my bike.
Blackjack.
House wins.
Yeah.
I'm gonna have the freshest Mexican grill since chipotle.
I love your moves.
You're a really good dancer.
[giggles] I make a lot of mistakes when I'm drunk.
Ha ha, tell me about it.
I totally get sch-wasted all the time.
[coughs] Anything they could dream I made come true for the right price.
Crime is so much cooler once you get organized.
I bet that's why the mafia is so into it.
Plus the money and the drugs.
All right.
There we go.
Is it cute? Is it hot? Oh, no.
It's super cute.
Super hot.
It's just what you asked for.
A rock and roll scorpion.
Oh! I wanted a butterfly.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're probably not gonna like this then.
Anything's better than stretch marks though.
Am I right? Have a great night.
God damn! Look at Steve Harvey over here, huh? That suit's lookin' sharp.
Steve Harvey, personal hero.
Hey, we got a problem in the red bulb district.
As you can see, the bulb has burned out.
Also, your sister's gross.
Ooh, ow [groans] ow Hey, what happened to that model you were telling me about? Oh, her? She decided not to wake up today.
And thanks to a staph infection on the Ugly Kid Joe tour bus, Starlee had an unexpected opening.
Unexpected openings are my specialty.
She's got potential, but, uh I think we need a makeover.
Glory, glory, hole-lleluja.
Ooh.
Yo, Starlee, if you get tired, I can jump in.
Ain't no thang.
The world was our oyster, and we shucked the shit out of it.
[music] Used to be QVC, now we cash money comin' up on riches Corleone-style, call me Sonny what you need, yo? Make us an offer, we take the cream off the toppah every deal like Jimmy Hoffa living the American dream true crime family, so charming, disarming leave you an amputee the sky's the limit, and we jettin' to the top elevatin' our game, the hustle don't stop money in the bank, check in the mail either way you pay, 'cause we too big to fail markin' shit up, ain't never heard of a sale the perfect business, too big to fail we making dreams come true we making dreams come true no time for waking up we making dreams come true Bottom line, all of us here are talented cocksmen.
And tonight's the classiest event of the year.
So no C-blocks, no closet peeps, no upper-deckers, Fischer.
[Fischer laughs] It's all leading to one thing.
- Hard pumping? - Hard.
Pumping.
You nailed it, Connor.
'Cause in the immortal words of coach Taylor? - Clear eyes.
- Full balls.
Can't lose.
Come on! [boys cheer] Mhmm.
Whoa, Nelly.
Where is everyone? Boiler room.
Line's too long.
- Can I use the toilet? - [laughs] Only if I can watch.
Come on, Fischer.
You ever wonder how fun prison is? Well, wonder no more.
Behold, the cellblock experience.
20 to life in just 20 minutes.
- Who's in? - Chozen, we have a problem! Goddamn it.
Hey, little cinnamon, don't move a freckle.
Thatcher, bro-town, I'd love to let you in.
You're such a boss.
But like I already told you, it's freshman only.
Come on, brah, we can work something out, right? Hey, asshole.
This isn't Mumbai.
There are rules here.
[Thatcher growls] What seems to be the problem here, hotness? - Who are you? - I'm the boss.
Well, me and my many friends here would like to drop some money and quite possibly some DNA in there.
So far I like what I'm hearing, and surprise, I like what I'm seeing.
Chozen! You're not gonna let these guys in, are you? All I see is money and dick out here.
We started this place because these guys shit all over us.
Please.
Fine, we can keep these elephant guns out the pussy reserve, but you owe me big time.
And I'm sorry, beautiful.
I cannot let you enter this club.
But I have something that would love to enter you.
[Chozen] We were hot, like a hound dog left in a parked car, or a turd after an indian buffet.
But key point, we was on fire.
But a polish wind was blowing.
Yo, what's up, Kowalski.
Whoa.
That suit looks like a custom job.
- Things must be going well.
- You tell me.
Ain't nothing to see here.
Just two men sharing a nice bagged lunch.
This don't feel like 20%.
That's because it's ten.
Whoa whoa, slow down there, buttons.
- You can't just change the deal.
- I just did, bitch.
[Chozen laughs] White nino brown, kingpin style.
Don't forget.
You work for me, D-cups.
Keep talking like that, and so help me god, I will smash your rocket scooter to pieces.
Final offer.
30% or L.
O.
P.
Loss of privileges.
Counter offer.
Zero percent or L.
M.
B.
Lick my butt hole.
Don't do you do it, you son of a bitch! Don't you walk down those stairs away from me! You can't touch me.
I'm the only game in town.
Nothing you can do.
Shit.
When negotiations go sideways, you break out the union buster.
Hey, why use bolt cutters when we can use Ricky's garbage grill? [laughs] His just sucks.
These are gonna get me way more pussy, unlike that stupid-ass bike.
Oh wait, you still don't have no bike.
Don't worry.
It's comin'.
Once I get my insurance paid, and that credit report clears - freedom.
- Ricky, y-your mouth is bleeding.
I know.
It happens while the grill forms to my gums and shit.
Line's startin' early tonight.
We better hurry up.
These people is ready to party.
Oh, and I forgot to feed Starlee.
Kowalski, you two-wheeled gypsy bastard! Give me back my club! Oh, it's mine now.
Let me introduce you to my new manager.
He's a real party animal.
Thatcher! Yo! Brozinis how's it hangin'? I'd love to show you what I've done with the place, but no freshmen, no fat chicks, no losers.
[chuckles] Guess rich, white, and handsome wins again.
Bee-tee dubs, we're keeping Starlee.
I know that white boy didn't just call me a fat chick.
Is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your family? No.
Just don't steal caviar, because then bitches get used to that taste.
Okay, okay.
Shut up! [sighs] I think that we can all agree That my dipshit brother got greedy, and as always, - ruined everything.
- Ha! Classic Chozen.
I don't know what y'all are complaining about.
I was skimmin' off the top.
I got the most to lose.
[deep voice] I can get your club back.
[Darth Vader-like breathing] [deep voice] Kowalski turned on you for a bigger cut.
[normal voice] But if it turns out to be a bigger cut of nothin', he'll come crawling back.
So, what? Stop people from going to the club? - How do we do that? - Yo, I got an idea, but it ain't pretty.
On the inside, when a new dealer disrespected another man's turf, he got dealt with.
Boom! Hot shot.
My man gave out O.
D.
's like government cheese.
once word got around that he was selling poison, homey couldn't sell water wings to a drownin' baby.
Where we gonna get the heroin and shit? - I got some horse right here.
- No.
[in German accent] We queer the beer.
[operatic music] Nice color.
Catching hints of hickory, caramel, and a whole lotta payback.
Dude, we already got our delivery.
- Uh it's a gift from Kowalski.
- [chuckles] Choice! Hey, remember.
Drink responsibly.
Whatever.
Nice Aztec braces, Quetzalcoatl.
Uh! - Bro, clutch cultural slam! - Yeah! Blow it up.
- Blowin' it up! - Pow! Whoo! I'm here at Palm View University, where hundreds of students were hospitalized with what seems to be an alcohol-related poisoning.
Yo, call Kowalski.
We gettin' our club back.
Good job, me.
- But it was my idea - No credit for freshmen! To ensure that this never happens again, we are instituting a zero-tolerance policy.
Period.
- Oh, shit.
- Way to go, Troy.
[groans] Guess if I want the rest of this living room set, - I'm going to have to start stripping.
- Not with those thighs.
- Thanks, bitch-tits.
- Mean.
Yup.
[exhales] Life is like a refrigerator box.
You never know what's comin' through that hole.
But you best be ready.
It's too bad we didn't get to keep the club, but at least I got my grill Oh.
Oh! [grunts] - Aw, shit.
Aw, shi - I don't know shit about teeth and stuff, but you need to get your ass to the dentist, like, right now.
And how am I gonna pay for that? Sometimes, when you love something, you have to let it go.
And then if it comes back, you know.
And you love to it - Hey, what happened to the crotch rocket? - My girl said no dice.
But it's cool.
Those things are death traps.
And what happened to freedom, dog? I'm still free to go wherever I want, as long it's within 30 miles of a charging station.
Can you take me to get my mouth fixed? - Hop on.
- All these probations are making me thirsty.
- Drop me over at the liquor store! - Let's ride.
[imitating engine] Here we go.
Time to kiss the sky.
Whoo! [inhaling] Ugh.
[quiet whirring]