Chuck s01e03 Episode Script

Chuck Versus the Tango

Your money's on the desk.
What a piece of crap.
Please don't shoot.
Don't shoot me.
Just put the gun down.
I can't shoot, that's the problem.
This stupid thing is busted.
Oh, when it comes to Mr.
Bartowski, my friend, busted is just a state of mind.
Little bit of this.
Tweak that.
And ta-da, locked and loaded.
Try that.
- Nice shot.
See? - Chuck, Big Mike wants to see you.
Not now, Harry.
Can't you see I'm with a customer? I apologize, sir, this is not how we do things at Buy More.
- Now, Chuck.
- I was just on my way to see you.
That's crazy.
Pause that.
What is it you want out of life? Existentially? Like fulfillment, inner peace, that kind of a thing? Or practically? Like Lakers tickets, personal steam room We're talking Buy More.
Career objective.
Where do you see yourself in five years? Ten years? - Honestly? - Honestly.
- I have no idea.
- It's time you started to think about it.
There is an assistant management position open.
It's down to you and Harry Tang.
Now, you want that job or not? I do.
I do.
I'm sorry, Big Mike.
I absolutely want that job.
Well, then, Bartowski, it's your turn to show me something.
I got some bad news.
Big Mike wants us to fix all of this junk in two days, or he's gonna give the assistant-store-manager position to Tang.
- I'm sorry, guys, and Anna.
- "Guys" is fine, I don't mind.
We need to come up with something non-gender specific.
How about "team"? - Fellow Nerd Herders? - The Lesters? Chuck's stable of ho's? Hey Oh, man.
Uh Heard Big Mike threw down the gauntlet, just wanna say I'd love to help.
But, A, I lack the skill set, and, B, old computers give me the willies.
No idea how much courage it's taking just to stand here.
- I'm really proud of you, buddy.
- Whoo.
Thanks, bro.
I bring you news.
- What? - Your lady is here.
And if I'm not overstepping my bounds, looking good.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Give me a kiss.
I'm sorry.
What? We've been on three dates, we have to sell it.
- That's it? - I'm not really good with the PDA.
Well, let's go somewhere more private.
Shall we? Okay, he is so in.
This is Hey.
Okay, whoa, why don't we give the kids a little privacy? Not cool.
Sorry to break up your little tryst.
Next time you to talk to the subject, I'd appreciate a heads up.
I wouldn't dream of starting without you, Agent Casey.
Mom, Dad, can we get on with it? I have hard drives to fix.
- Why are these people sleeping? They're not sleeping.
They were killed, Chuck, and we wanna know why.
- I have no idea.
- Well, look again.
I'd rather not, it's kind of creepy.
Sorry, I was gonna take a nap.
I'll come back in five.
Kind of called dibs on the couch.
- Chuck, what did you see? - I don't I'm not totally sure.
Water lily painting, weapons, an art auction tomorrow night.
Does the name La Ciudad mean anything to you? - Why? - I think he's gonna be at the art auction.
Right, I'm gonna fix some hard drives.
Good luck with the spy stuff.
Excuse me.
Chuck, I am so proud of you.
Morgan told me about the assistant manager job.
Team Bartowski moving up in the world, huh? Ha-ha-ha.
Okay, first of all, it's not mine yet.
Second, you can ease up on the enthusiasm.
It's only a $2-an-hour raise at an electronics store.
And it doesn't even give me my own parking space.
Does lack of interest mean you're leaving the Buy More for a real profession? Real profession? Sorry, I'm gonna need clarification on that.
He went to Stanford, for God's sakes.
Right, and was expelled senior year.
Sorry to bring that up, we need to be realistic about our goals.
- His goals or your goals? Great question.
Think we need a plan for Chuck.
Where do we see him in five years? - Ten years? - We? Fine, then just you and I.
Glad to hear you've settled into Chuck's building.
But if he's right, this is a high priority.
La Ciudad is the most elusive and dangerous arms dealer in the world.
Last anyone heard, Ml6 in London had a drop on him, but he vanished.
If he turns up, we'll take him down at the auction.
Not easy.
We have no idea what he looks like.
No photographs.
No one has seen La Ciudad that has lived to tell about it.
So we'll bring the Intersect.
Everything we know was fed into that computer.
No, it's too dangerous.
He has no field experience or training.
He'll be fine.
It's an art auction.
Listen, it is way too scary out there.
Chuck can't leave the Buy More.
We're still finding ourselves.
No offense, but my brother has spent a few years finding himself.
And he's proven that his place is not at the Buy More.
You don't understand.
He is a fragile little gelding.
You know, still trying to find his legs.
The real world will crush him.
Do you know what a gelding is? It's that weird creature from The Dark Crystal.
"Smells like gelding.
" That guy.
He'll be fine.
- La Ciudad probably won't even be there.
- And if he is? - Is it worth the risk? - All right, I've heard enough.
Put him in the field.
We don't know what he's capable of until he's been tested.
What he needs is something to challenge him.
Test his limitations.
A brush with his own mortality.
- You know what I'm thinking? - I have no idea.
Dude, you're way off the reservation.
Class 5 white-water rapids.
Just the two of us this weekend, near-death experience, awesome.
That sounds great, but my wet suit's at the dry cleaners.
That is a terrible idea.
That's way too dangerous.
I agree, I'm not comfortable with you spending time together.
Well, Chuck hasn't said a word.
What do you wanna do? I'm just gonna hit the sack.
Good night, Team Bartowski.
That's great work, guys.
You see what you're doing here? It's awesome.
- Oh! - Congratulations, Chuck.
You just got your first mission.
Tomorrow night.
Hope you're ready for the real world.
Dress attire for this evening sneakers, or we classifying this as a shoe event? We rented you a tux.
Oh, that's very ni - How did you know my size? - NSA.
We've records of your rental information from prom night.
- I checked the suit in your closet.
- This is my first foray into spy work.
So you could ease up on the sarcasm.
How am I supposed to recognize La Ciudad? Is there a picture? If there's a photograph, why would we need you? - What did we just talk about? - Sorry.
We're hoping something triggers a flash.
See, that's all you had to say.
Now, hand-to-hand combat.
In all seriousness, if it comes down to me and La Ciudad is there a tutorial you can take me through? Don't worry.
Nothing's gonna happen to you.
Assuming you know how to tango.
Seriously? Oh, I don't joke about your life.
- Right.
- Chuck, your girlfriend's here.
Oh, one minute, I've computers to fix.
Don't worry about it, we got it.
- Only a few left.
- You sure? Done, next time I have a date, you're gonna cover for me.
Okay, great.
Thanks, team.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Thanks, team.
Where you lovebirds headed? Oh, we're actually going to an art auction at the Wilshire Grand.
Oh, swanky.
Yeah, I like it, man.
- Aren't we moving a little too fast? - No.
Career, girl.
Guy's got it all.
The idea with a cover is to keep it as simple as possible without revealing true personal detail.
Any thoughts on a name? Charles Carmichael? Simple, dignified.
Easy to remember and not far off from Graduated with honors from Stanford, runs a successful software company semi-retired, and is considering entering America's Cup.
Have you done this before? Let's just say, Mr.
Carmichael and I share a small kinship.
How's that? When I first entered Stanford it's kind of where I envisioned myself being by now.
Except for the sailing part, I don't know where that came from.
But he's where most of my class already is.
So, what happened? My life took a little detour senior year when our old friend Bryce Larkin discovered stolen tests under my bed.
- Was kind enough to alert administration.
- Did you steal the tests? I thought it was kind of implied that I'm a decent person.
Well, we all make mistakes.
And I've made plenty.
That just wasn't one of them.
Then Bryce sent me database of government secrets now locked in my brain, keeping me in a constant state of fear danger and anxiety.
So I'd say we're even.
Don't worry about tonight.
No reason to be nervous.
I'm not gonna leave your side.
Me, nervous? Come on, never.
Your hand is a little moist.
It does that when I'm freaking out.
Hey, sis? Hey, sis, um, do you know how to tango? No, why? Uh, no reason, I just have a date tonight.
I thought it might come up.
You're tangoing on a date? That's new territory.
Good to see you reaching outside your comfort zone.
Considering my comfort zone extends to the end of that couch new territory was bound to come up.
Did someone say tango? No, thank you, Captain Awesome.
I'll look it up online.
Would you please put on a robe or something? Did a semester abroad in Buenos Aires.
Spent many a night tangoing my way into seƱoritas pantalones.
And go.
There's no way he's gonna break the two-minute record.
Oh, there.
It's okay, sweetheart.
Lester is right here.
Sorry to interrupt.
But we found just a few more down by the loading dock.
Where's Bartowski? On a date with a smoking-hot wiener girl.
No biggie.
And he left you all here? Good leadership.
Real good.
Well, shouldn't be too difficult to get these done by morning.
I'll leave the coffee pot on.
What are those? - Morgan, what are those? - Dang.
Here, this is for you.
Inside is a GPS tracking system.
That way, you can't run away from me.
If you flash on anyone, tell me immediately, then stay out of the way.
Yeah, I always run from a fight.
This isn't a joke.
No one who's seen La Ciudad alive has lived to tell about it.
Seriously, what are my chances of getting into trouble? You'll be fine.
Assuming you know how to tango.
Did some preparation.
Wouldn't call myself an expert Why would he need to know how to tango? Is that code? No, not No, he told me that I needed to know how to tango.
- Spy humor.
I like that.
- You ready? Right here.
That's right, thank you.
Okay, wait, wait, where's everybody going? We got computers to fix.
- Sorry, I got my bar mitzvah lesson.
- Internet poker.
- I'm off by 8 and hammered by 8:05.
- What about Chuck Bartowski? What about our fearless leader? - We owe him.
- For what? Because Chuck Bartowski's going where none of us have ever gone before.
- Intercourse with a beautiful woman.
- Speak for yourself.
- Interesting.
- Interesting.
Yeah, we could chitchat - I'm out of here.
I gotta go.
- Okay, okay, fine.
See you, guys.
Big Mike will just give the position to Harry Tang.
Oh, have I got your attention now? Good.
Good, because you know what that means? No more two-hour lunch breaks.
No more Xbox tournaments.
No more porn.
Yeah, yeah.
Total work hell.
I'm in, but your boy better close the deal.
- Let's do this.
- Okay, thanks a lot, Les.
Don't touch me.
I'm gonna talk about this girl thing.
Hey, Jeff, attaboy.
Oh, nice.
Yes, thank you.
Oh, nice.
I've been a spy all of five seconds, and I already have soy sauce on my shirt.
Well, go and wash it off.
And, Chuck, stop saying that you're a spy.
Of course.
Do we know each other? No.
No, not that I know of.
- It's him.
- Who? La Ciudad.
Come here.
All right, we've already identified the perp, as it were.
What are we still doing here? I mean, you know, mission accomplished, time to go.
Chuck, go wait at the bar.
Go wait at the bar? Okay.
You go do what you do, I'm gonna be at the bar waiting there.
Covering that whole area.
- Drink, sir? Yeah, I'd like a martini, barkeep, shaken and stirred.
Thank you.
Would you like a cherry with that? Chuck Bartowski? No, name's Carmichael Alan Watterman.
Stanford? - Hey, how are you? Hey, you, hey.
- Hey.
I'm great, I don't know if you heard, I sold my company.
Kind of unemployed.
Problem is, I'm too young to retire.
- I'm too rich to work.
- Ah, ha-ha-ha.
That's quite a pickle you've found yourself in.
What are you doing now? Last I heard, you were fixing computers or something.
Yeah, you know, just kind of weighing my options right now.
You know, I may be getting a managerial position at an electronics conglomerate, so, you know.
I knew you'd make something of yourself.
- Who you here with? - My date, she's right over there.
She's with you? Ouch.
- We have a very open relationship.
- Well, hey, give me a call.
You know, if you need help with the whole job thing.
I know people.
- I bet you do.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
Insider trading and offshore accounts in the Caymans.
What did you just say? Do you work for the SEC? I gotta go.
Something fishy going on.
I know you think Chuck's a great guy, but that wiener girl is super hot.
Even for me.
It's obvious, dude.
She's a pro.
Are you kidding? You think Chuck could afford her if she was a pro? All right, enough crapping about her.
Break time's over, let's go.
- Who's up for a game of "Deer Hunter"? - Done.
No, no, no.
Guys, work now, play later, okay? We got hard drives to fix.
Look at this place, come on, lookit.
Let's go.
No! Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, what? The lock is broken, man.
You need a key to open it.
Then get the key, Jeff.
There's only two keys.
Harry Tang has one.
And old Chuck has the other one.
- Where you going? Anna, don't go.
No, no, no, come on.
Old computers freak me out.
Somebody give me a hand and help me.
Chuck, get me out of here, please! Hit me again.
You stay.
Stay? Like a dog.
Beautiful painting.
- What's that? Yeah.
Beautiful painting.
Yeah, it's It definitely has a quality about it.
Very, I would say, Bob Rossian in its influence.
- Who? - Bob Ross.
Bob, you know Bob Ross.
The guy who used to paint on PBS with the afro and the soothing - You've no idea what I'm talking about.
- Sorry.
It won't be the first time.
- I'm Malena.
- Hi, Chuck.
Charles Carmichael.
- So you don't like the painting.
- No, I It seems very lovely.
I'm just more interested in the frame, but that, you don't So sorry.
So sorry about this.
Work, never leaves you alone.
I'm in the software game so - So you were saying about the frame? - Nothing.
It doesn't really actually matter.
- Champagne? - Sure, yeah.
- Thank you.
- Cheers.
What's your real name, and who do you work for? Mm.
I love a tango.
Oh, yeah.
Ha, ha.
Who doesn't? Do you? Do I wanna? Uh Um You know what? What the hell.
Yeah, let's give it a shot.
What are you doing here? Please don't lie, it will make this much more painful.
- Mr.
Carmichael - Please, Chuck.
Chuck, I think your hand is supposed to be on my hip.
Apparently, I learned the girl's part of this dance.
- Would you mind leading? - Not at all.
Federal agents.
Don't move.
Don't you move.
- International agents, Ml6.
- Drop your gun.
- We're British Secret Service.
- Lower your weapon.
Everyone take a deep breath.
I'm putting down my gun, and I'm getting my identification.
- What are you doing here? - I could ask you the same thing.
We've been pursuing an arms dealer.
- Let me guess, La Ciudad? - That's right.
Ml6 intercepted a painting with plutonium hidden in the frame.
Rather than announce the bust we removed the plutonium and kept the auction in the hope of luring Ciudad.
If you're not La Ciudad, then where is he? Help.
Oh, okay, okay, so listen to me.
My friend is at some sort of art function at your hotel, okay? Now listen to me clearly.
I need to speak to him.
It's a matter of life and death.
Describe your friend.
Good-looking, depends on your angle.
He's not classically handsome, I wouldn't say he is.
But he makes up for it with charm, lots of charm.
And he's kind of a lost soul.
Does this thing when he's nervous.
He laughs, he goes, "Ah, ha, ha.
" Anyways, what? What? Brown hair, 6' 1 ".
Does that help at all? What line of work are you in, Malena? Why are you so interested, Mr.
Carmichael? No reason, just making conversation.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you Chuck Bartowski? Who, me? No.
- No, I'm Carmichael.
- That's him, I can hear his voice.
Hey, Chuck! Are you sure you're not Mr.
Bartowski? - Your friend insists.
- No, no, I insist.
I've never heard that name in my life.
I gotta go.
Excuse me.
Why don't we head up to my room now, Mr.
Carmichael? And find out who you really are? Oh, okay.
Oh, so I guess we should regroup in the morning? - Good idea.
- Yeah.
No, wait.
Where you guys going? Dude, it's just this is out of my pay grade.
I gotta get some serious alcohol in me or I am never gonna sleep.
I'm sorry, Morgan.
Be strong.
No, don't leave me in here with these computers.
Hand me a slice, some water, I need to survive through the night, and I Not cool.
Let's start with an easy one.
- What's your real name? - Carmichael.
Charles Carmichael.
- Chuck Bartowski.
- That wasn't so hard.
Now, before you answer my next question I want you to think long and hard about my options here.
There's the old favorite.
Yank out a tooth.
Too noisy.
Cut off a toe.
- That's too messy.
- Far too messy.
Or we can chuck you off the balcony, Chuck.
Probably land face first.
Teeth go through the back of your head.
Tsk, tsk.
Not a good way to go.
So here's my question: Who do you work for? No one.
No, no, stop, stop.
I fix computers for a living, I swear to God.
I snuck into the party under a fake name to impress a girl.
Please, put chair down.
- Goodbye, Chuck.
No, no, no, it's a setup.
What is? The painting, the painting.
The painting, I think the painting might be a fake or something.
- Why? - Lf you put me down, I'll tell you.
I saw a photo of the painting in the LA Times, okay? But it had a different frame.
So I'm assuming somebody swapped it out.
- I would not buy that painting.
- A fake painting.
And you had no intention of bidding on it? Me bid? No, not unless they were selling it for 25 bucks.
- What I have in my decorating budget.
Tell me how to fix a computer, Chuck.
My first inclination's that your bus speed isn't up to snuff with your video card.
We're talking about a PC, right? Is your memory dedicated? That's enough, Mr.
I believe you.
Problem is, since you've seen me, now I have to kill you.
Have to? No, no, no, I disagree.
I disagree vehemently, vehemently.
I won't say anything, I swear.
You don't know the things I know about people.
Don't worry, it will be fast.
Goodbye, Mr.
I enjoyed our tango.
I didn't like it that much though.
- He was kind of silly.
Really? - Hey, buddy.
- Hi.
They're onto us.
The SEC knows everything.
Shelly, they know about the Caymans.
Oh! I surrender, I surrender.
Chuck, get down.
- Aah! Unh.
Sarah, help! Let's do this.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Chuck, are you okay? Okay? Okay, two more seconds and I'd be dead.
They were gonna throw me off.
- You tell them you work for us? - Of course not.
Where were you guys? You're still alive.
I'd consider myself lucky.
- We have to get you out of the country.
- But first we take him out.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How was the big date? - It was good, great, fine.
- I'm gonna go to bed.
I love you.
- What? No, no, no.
Is that all I get? Come on.
Sit down, I wanna know, you know.
Do you like this girl? It's You know, it's complicated.
Well, explain it to me slowly.
I'll catch up.
She's a very beautiful girl.
Go on.
And she's very agile.
I'm not sure how that applies, but continue.
And I think she's too exhausting for me.
Well, what happened? Did you guys tango? Oh, yeah, yeah, we tangoed.
In fact, we tangoed quite a bit.
But Awesome taught me the woman's part of the tango.
So it was a little difficult, as one might expect.
What's up, bro? Did you do the famous dip? Yeah, I was on the receiving end of that dip.
- You did tango with a woman, right? - And on that note No, no, no, you're not getting off that easy.
Why won't you talk to me? It's Look, it's complicated, okay? Just let it go.
You don't wanna talk to me, I suggest you find someone to talk to.
Like maybe your idiot friend.
He's called about 75 times.
He locked himself in a storage cage, whatever that means.
Oh, God.
It's you.
Dude, you have no idea the night Okay, okay, okay, settle down.
Settle down, settle down, it's all good.
What happened? Oh, what happened? Tang showed up, and he dropped all these off.
I guess he was stashing them, you know, so All right, let's do this.
What are you talk? You don't know how to fix a computer.
Moral support, man.
Never leave your wingman, okay? Something your team could learn about.
Look, it's okay, man.
Go get some sleep, okay? You sure? Because you say the word, and we go down together.
I appreciate that, but it will be nice to do something I'm good at.
- So I'll see you.
- Fantastic, see you later, good night.
Good night.
You finished, Bartowski? - Mission accomplished.
- Whoa.
Two days is an incentive, I didn't think you'd really do it.
I'm impressed.
And I'm not a man easily impressed.
Well, I think you should know that I only fixed the last few.
Uh, my team deserve the credit, and you're only as good as your team so First rule of management: Always take credit.
- Hope we can sell all this crap.
- Sir, there's been a major infraction.
Drinking alcoholic beverages on the property.
Nothing wrong with a man wetting his whistle every once in a while.
- Keep it out of the store, Bartowski.
- Yeah, absolutely, sir.
You get extra points for style.
Looking sharp.
You look like a waiter.
Was I scared? Yeah, yeah, I was scared.
But then the survival instinct kicked in.
Something I didn't even know I possessed.
A desire to live.
Good news is, I may be able to retire off of this.
Talked to Big Mike, he'd be hearing from my attorneys.
That cage is a fire hazard.
- Good work last night.
- Okay, you know what? I'm working on an all-nighter here, big guy.
And I realize that you are probably armed.
And so I'm gonna ask you very nicely would you please ease up on the sarcasm? I wasn't being facetious.
You helped us find La Ciudad.
- But she got away.
- We got a photo from hotel security.
We had a blood sample from a broken window.
Intel tells us she's heading to Central America.
We have people waiting there.
- You're looking sharp.
- Oh, thanks.
That was facetious, idiot.
I fixed this one personally, so it should be good as new.
And sorry about the delay.
Chuck, hiding from work again? I think I dropped something.
Go away, Harry.
You wish I would.
I'm not going anywhere, Chuck.
When you go to sleep at night, all you're gonna see is Tang in your face.
Excuse, please.
Where can I find a Chuck Bartowski? - Uh, why? What's he done? - Because I need to speak to him.
Okay, well, if he's in any kind of trouble, let me know.
Chuck, you have a visitor.
Chuck? Well, uh, maybe I can help you, sir, I I think we have some company.
- I'm on it.
- Chuck Bartowski, to the storage cage.
Chuck Bartowski, please report to the storage cage.
- Where's the storage cage? - Oh, just through here, sir.
I'll show you.
By the way, we're having a big sale on refrigerators, in case you didn't notice.
- Whoa.
- Where is he? - Where is Chuck Bartowski? - Oh, sir, I'm just a salesclerk.
Take me to him now.
Ha, ha.
Oh, you.
You got Big old guy in the thing That was so broken this morning.
Now that's what I call moving some merchandise, yeah? Yup.
Hang here.
Uh, Charles Irving Bartowski of the Encino Bartowski's could you please report to the Returns Desk? Charles Irving Bartowski, re - What? - Nothing.
I'm just loving this thing, man.
You know what? We should get one for your apartment.
Oh, good news.
They fixed the lock on the storage cage so What? I'm really sorry, sis.
I know that I've been kind of evasive.
It's just that I I didn't wanna lie, and I chose not saying anything as being the lesser of two evils.
Why would you have to lie? Ellie, trust me and know it has nothing to do with you.
You want me to butt out.
- I get it, it's none of my business.
- No, no, no, I'm not saying that, I I don't wanna create false excitement for a relationship that seems doomed.
Well, why is it doomed? Because she's not into me.
Oh, trust me, I have seen the way that that girl looks at you and she is into you.
Really? It's none of my business.
Okay, no.
Okay, fine, what the hell.
What do you wanna ask me about Sarah? Really? You better hurry up, this offer will not last.
Do you like her? - Yeah.
- Oh.
Hap! No, no unnecessary excitements.
- What else? - That's it.
- That's it? - Yeah, Chuck, that's it.
I don't need to know the intimate details.
As long as you're happy, that's enough for me.
And I don't I don't wanna nag you about your future and job.
- Don't wanna be the sister that pesters - No, no, no, you're not a pest.
I just know what an incredible guy Charles Bartowski is.
And sometimes, I'm not so sure that he knows it.
How do you feel about a brother-sister hug right now? - I'm open to it.
- Okay.
Okay, hold on.
Sorry, I thought we had plans tonight, you know.
What is she doing here? What gave you that impression? Oh, when you were leaving earlier and you were like, "See you later, dude.
" Took you at your word.
It's cool, if you didn't want me here, just stop giving me mixed signals.
- Come on in.
- Super, awesome.
What are we having? - Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
- You okay? - Uh, occupational hazard.
She got in a lucky kick.
The wine's from both of us.
Congratulations on your first mission.
- You did really good, Chuck.
- Stop it.
I'm not really a spy.
Your computer ended up in the head of a guy who only knows how to fix them.
You survived a near-death experience under the threat of torture.
Apprehended one of the most elusive killers.
I'm not sure what you think spies do but most of us consider that a good day.
Okay, sure.
So today, I helped take down a major international arms dealer.
But tomorrow Tomorrow, I still gotta go clock in at Buy More.
What's good of being a hero if nobody knows about it? You know.
And so do I.
You know, if we were really dating this'd be the part where I'd be forced to kiss you good night.
Forced? Would it be so bad? I'm sure I could suffer through it.
Me too.
Man, that dude is creepy.