Chuck s01e04 Episode Script

Chuck Versus the Wookiee

Keep it going, Chuck.
Head in the game.
Comeback time.
How do I like my eggs? What's up? Poached.
- Yeah, baby.
- I don't even know why I play this game.
Any day now, buddy.
Come on.
Don't rush me, okay? Six, okay.
Easy, easy.
My all-time favorite pet? Um, cocker spaniel.
- Peaches.
- Who got Peaches? Wrong.
It was a springer spaniel named Peaches 2.
Not to be confused with the original Peaches who got hit by a car.
I think we can just give it to Sarah, Morgan.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, fine, fine.
I'll say anything next time and I'll just take a point.
You told me the original Peaches ran away: - She did, she did.
What are you doing, Morgan? "Most humiliating childhood nickname"? I promised Morgan I would never say it out loud.
Okay, um, "Organ.
" Oh, boom.
You see what I'm talking about? What's it say? What's it say? Organ, Organ, boom.
Yeah, move me up a spot.
- Okay.
Victory battle.
Keep it moving.
Here we go.
Okay, big money, big money.
No Whammy, no Whammy.
- Next, next, next.
- "Most dangerous situation ever"? - Um Doesn't know it.
I don't know, fixing a flat tire on the side of the freeway? Good guess.
I was 9 and we were on a family vacation and my sister and I put on baby oil instead of sunscreen.
We ended up looking like two little blond lobsters.
Know how that feels.
I know.
Okay, most hated person ever? - It's so easy.
- Total give me, dude.
- Harry Tang? Harry Tang? - Come on.
- I don't know, I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's a stupid game.
Well, no, no, hold on a second.
No, it's Bryce Larkin.
How could you not know Bryce Larkin? Dude pretended to be his buddy, sexed up his girl and got him kicked out of Stanford.
- Lf Chuck is Solo, Larkin is his Fett.
Okay, okay.
Do you understand? - No point, no point.
- See you in a bit.
- Take your time.
Well, we did great tonight.
Yeah, you know, I like to win, but, uh, Morgan clearly has an edge.
When he started to list off my favorite in descending order, that was a little much.
- Yeah, he's like the Intersect on you.
- Yeah, I wish I could access your file.
Know everything about you but the stupid thing doesn't work like that.
- Well, you could always just ask me.
- What, really? L? Um, okay.
Well, I mean, I know that you and Bryce worked together but how close were the two of you, exactly? Uh, well, Bryce was my partner but we were never really friends, if that's what you're asking.
Right, right.
So your relationship you'd say was more like, "You, hey, get that bad guy.
" Or "Nice judo chop.
" Or "How about them Redskins?" - Or something like that.
- Yeah.
When you're undercover, you're still you but the details are different.
There were a couple of those questions we could've done better with.
Which ones? You know, those questions.
The questions.
- The sex questions? - There you go.
Morgan did well with those too.
Well, what exactly is our cover for that topic? Uh, we're taking it slow.
Right, yeah.
We're being prudent, aren't we? Oh, you meant walk Sarah to her car.
Makes sense, I don't have a car.
I knew it was you.
You always telegraph your punches.
Bloody nose says otherwise.
- Your cover? - Carina.
- You? - Sarah, Sarah Walker.
So, Sarah Walker, what brings the CIA to Los Angeles? Same thing that brings a DEA agent like yourself, a job.
Well, whatever it is, it looks boring.
All right, Carina, what is it? If you're here, it means you need something.
- A diamond.
- Wow, you, uh, looking to settle down? No, I'm gonna steal one.
And you're gonna help me.
Well, couldn't you just have called? Guys, guys.
Did you know that there is an undercover DEA agent out in the courtyard? - Relax.
We know.
- Oh.
- Should I go? He can stay.
Uh, who are they? Seen-but-not-heard, we're being debriefed.
The diamond is heavily guarded inside of Peyman Alahi's Malibu compound.
- Are they with us? - Shh! Mr.
Alahi is an international financier for the opium cartel which is why the Drug Enforcement Administration asked us to cooperate.
You'll assist Carina in acquiring the rock.
- Acquiring? - Shh! You'll take Chuck to Alahi's compound to get his Intersect data on his alarm system.
Set up the grab for the following day.
Sir, Carina is a tremendous field agent but we can't trust her.
Chuck is way too valuable.
Alahi has friends outside the opium trade.
We've received intel that he plans on moving the stone within the next 72 hours.
- Uh I've had dealings with Carina in the past too.
Uh, ahem, she can be a bit of a wild card.
We're aware of what happened in Prague, Agent Casey which is why you and Agent Walker return the diamond to us.
Under no circumstances should Carina be entrusted with it.
What happened in Prague? L I don't need to know.
- So this is your team? - My team.
Oh, hello, Casey.
Nice to see you with your pants on.
And, uh, who might you be? I'm Chuck, the new guy.
- Really? - He's an analyst.
- Hey, Chuck.
- Another member of your team? Uh, no, that's Morgan.
Chuck's best friend, he's a civilian.
Hey, Morgan, this is my friend Carina.
We used to work together.
- Hello.
- Madame Carina.
And I say Madame Carina, right? And she goes, "A pleasure to meet you, sir.
" But it's her eyes.
Man, her eyes say everything.
- Like what? - Like "Martin.
" - Huh? - She kind of got my name wrong.
She goes "Martin" instead of "Morgan.
" - It's completely fine, though.
- Tang's coming.
Okay, gotta go.
Morgan wasn't made to mix with the opposite gender.
Unlike me.
How are you supposed to get any female friction action with him third-wheeling you? What does that even mean? - Sex.
- Can't you just say that? Yeah, I mean, I could.
It's just it lacks, uh, flavor.
I can guess what Casey's doing here, but, uh, what about this Chuck guy? What is he analyzing? You? Our cover is boyfriend-girlfriend.
Speaking of.
I'm sorry to hear about Bryce.
It's, uh, been hard Of course, getting dead is an occupational hazard.
So, what's the assignment here, anyway? It's top-secret.
So I guess I'll just talk to Chuck myself.
Well, that's not happening, either.
Hey, Carina.
Come on.
- Carina.
- And where do you think you're going? I need two eyes on the revolving wieners.
Hear me? Hey, Carina.
- Excuse me, do you work here? - Oh, uh, yeah.
Uh, we met this morning at Chuck's.
- Martin.
- Oh, right.
- Have you seen Chuck? - Chuck? Now, where is he? Oh, my God, she is way too good for him.
She's too good for this store.
Isn't there a nicer establishment where beautiful people can shop? Hi.
- Okay.
- Talk to you later.
- She's sweet.
Chuck, you have to fix me up with Carina.
No, I mean I don't think that's a good idea, Morgan.
Chuck, I know what a third wheel is.
I know it's me.
Give me a chance here, man.
Let me be a fourth wheel for once.
Or any other even number.
- What do you think you're doing here? - Getting to know your team.
If I'm gonna trust them with my life, I wanna be certain they're the best.
Wait, you don't think I'm good enough.
That's it.
- No, no, I just Chuck, if you can get Sarah, that means just about anything's possible.
- Mm-hm.
- Let me spread my wings here, man.
Fine, fine, I'll see what I can do.
But no promises.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Have the girls gotten hotter around here or is it just me? Well, this is my op, and my rules.
You're gonna do exactly what I say.
We'll see about that.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
Hi, Carina.
- Can I just talk to you for a second? - Sure.
I need to ask you a favor, and feel free to say no.
And by that I mean, say no.
But, uh, could you fix Morgan up with Carina? Make sure you really exaggerate "no" so they can lip-read it.
They're a little lame, but I think they can crack "no.
" You know, that is a great idea.
No, it's no.
"No" is the answer.
You're supposed to say "no.
" - Think this can pierce through bone? - You want my help with your mission? I believe those were your orders.
Then I need your help to protect Chuck's cover.
You're going on a double date, with Morgan.
Small price to pay.
Which one of these geeks is Morgan? Green shirt.
Well, that will be fun.
Easy, girl, easy, girl, easy.
Take it down.
You guys are so cute.
Really, you're like the cutest couple ever.
Oh, well Thanks, yeah.
We're doing good.
Good? I'd say we're doing very good, sweetie.
Well, I stand corrected.
So, um, how did you two meet? At work, I guess.
Right? - Yeah? - Yeah, work.
Sarah came with a broken cell phone like a modern-day damsel in distress.
- I guess you're right.
A lot of people who meet at work end up dating.
Uh, so do you guys wanna watch a movie or something? Good idea, sweetie.
Yeah, that's a great - I rented that, um, penguin movie - No, no, no.
Movie's a terrible idea, don't you think? I think that people don't take enough time to get to know each other.
All I wanna do tonight is find out everything there is to know about Carina.
Ha, ha.
Oh, really? Like what? Were you always this hot? Or did you just, like, recently find your hotness? You're so cute.
Man, dude, Carina is really into me.
- Yeah, seems that way, doesn't it? - What does that mean? - What? - Well, the way you said that.
"Seems," like why wouldn't she be into me? No, no, no.
I'm sure that she's into you.
Really? You know, you don't have to be so hands-on with Morgan.
You said I'm on a date.
- This is me on a date.
- You're gonna give him the wrong idea.
Oh, come on.
I'm just giving the kid a thrill.
I mean, this place is like if a yawn could yawn.
How do you stand it? - I'm good here.
- Yeah, right.
Who's up for a hot slice, huh? Penguins are generally monogamous and continue to nest in the same location often with the same penguin partner from the previous year.
- You like to travel? - With someone fun.
- Shh! - You shh! 13-year couplings have been observed.
- Where were you last? Argentina, okay? Now will you shut up? They're almost to the Antarctic.
It may include blocks of sounds and vocalizations.
Do you wanna get out of here, go to Chuck's room? Somewhere private? Hey, dude.
Uh, did Carina call about me yet? No, Morgan, it's the middle of the night.
She hasn't called yet.
Uh, when do you think it's cool to call her? - You know - I am asleep.
Not true, because here we are talking.
Right, you know what I mean? Ahem.
Chuckie? Okay, okay, you know what? Listen, listen, she has not called in the time that it's taken me to pick up and hang up.
Leave me alone, Organ.
And hello to you too, ma'am.
Yes, I am, uh, the on-call Nerd Herder for all Nerd Herd computer emergencies.
And what is your room number? Hey, Chuck.
Use your feet.
Where's, uh, your computer? I don't have one.
I lied to get you over here.
- Why would you do that? - Because I know you're with us.
Who's, uh, us? Who is with us? Oh, thank you.
But no thank you, I You can't access my file to know about Argentina unless you get a G-6 clearance or higher.
Cheers to spying.
I hope you like what you see.
I should probably call Sarah.
Sarah should probably be here.
I think that it would be important for her to know.
You're not much of a spy, are you? I don't know how many more clothes I can, uh, take off.
But if Sarah were here I couldn't seduce you.
Unless, maybe, you're into that sort of thing.
Hmm? You know, just one Or maybe I'm wrong and you're already sleeping with Sarah.
Are you sleeping with Sarah? - You know that a gentleman never - Oh, got it.
Well, that makes sense, considering Bryce.
Bryce, Bryce? What are you talking about? What, you don't know about Bryce? Bryce Larkin? Her boyfriend.
We'll go in undercover as party guests and locate the diamond.
- Where's the diamond? - Well, that's your job, Chuck.
The Intersect knew about Peyman Alahi's connection to the opium cartels.
- So you want me to steal the diamond? - No, later.
Today, we just get in, we find it and we get out and that's it.
- Right, get in, get out.
Got it.
- Are you okay? Yeah, fine.
Why? Well, you just seem a little, I don't know, something.
- Are you sick? - Nope, fine.
Oh, one last thing.
At the mansion I need you to do me a favor and stick by my side.
- Why's that? - Well, Carina, she likes to improvise.
And things can get sticky fast.
She likes trouble and she looks for it.
You know, one time in Pakistan, I really had to save her Okay, it doesn't matter.
But the point is that Carina is not to be trusted.
Oh, Sarah, you have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that.
What is it? Why? - Well, Carina said something last night - Last night? Oh, right.
Well, she put a call into the Nerd Herd after-hours number.
- And I was the one who was on-call.
- What did she tell you? Miss Walker, your break is abutting the 25-minute mark.
Ahh, one second, please.
- What did she say? - I mean, it doesn't matter if it's not true.
Just tell me.
Something about Bryce and you.
You know, being together.
I'm sure whatever you're discussing is a matter of national security but the ketchup vat isn't going to refill itself.
Did you know that 55 percent of accidents occur in the kitchen? And I'm sure most of them are accidents.
It's not true, right? You and Bryce, that's not true, right? It was complicated.
I thought you were supposed to be good at lying.
You know what? This is ridiculous.
I'm buying the next suit.
I can see my own boxer shorts through my pants.
Well, I think you look very sexy.
Listen, I'm sure Sarah's warned you about me.
That I improvise, take risks.
She might have mentioned something about that.
Did she also mention my record? How I took down the Quintana Gang in Colombia? - So trust me.
Got it? - Mm-hm.
Now, see that man over there? Peyman Alahi.
His house, his party, his diamond.
- For now.
- Wait.
Are you talking about SeƱor Wookiee over there? Heh, heh.
Just, uh, grab a drink and, uh, look casual.
Okay, okay.
There's a southern egress with two armed guards.
And by the garage exit, three more.
Why did you tell him about Bryce? You compromised my cover.
We're on a mission here.
Try keeping your private life and work life separate for a change.
Hey, we okay? How are you? Uh, yeah, I'm cool.
I'm cool.
Um, so I count six SVB-54 explosion-protected security cameras with infrared surveillance.
- Did you have a flash? - Di? No, they sell them at the spy shop in the Buy More plaza.
You got a light? Studies indicate that smoking can be hazardous to your health.
Pick up a paper.
From the '60s.
Thermal-imaging cameras, north and west walls.
Yeah, someone really doesn't want us getting in there.
Let's go for a little stroll.
So I'm guessing if this was you and Bryce you'd be breaking into the bedroom, huh, Sarah? Chuck, now's not the time.
Oh, that's awesome.
There you are.
You know, I really think we should go now.
Just 30 more seconds.
So you like my diamond? Oh, yeah.
Uh, it's really pretty.
- You're not supposed to be here.
- Oh, I'm really sorry.
But the door was unlocked.
And, uh, who are you? - Pretty girls call me Peyman.
- Hi, Peyman.
- Hey, Peyman.
- I'm Carina.
This is Sarah.
And this is our brother, Chuckie.
- Yo.
- Brother? More good news for me.
So, what would I have to do to get this thing on my finger? It is said that he who owns the Nadan-I-Noor rules the world.
Ha, ha.
So, what if, like, someone tried to steal it? It's impossible to steal.
Because if touched, the vault will seal itself off.
The gas will fill the room.
And after that, my security team would eliminate the threat.
But me, I'm more of a lover than a fighter.
Wow, you know, I saw some really cool paintings outside.
- Can I have a look? Sure.
- Like this one? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, you got a nice pair of eyes amongst other nice pairs.
Um, the guy wearing the fur sweater failed to mention one fairly significant security detail.
- Like what? - Twenty thousand volts of electricity protecting the stone.
- Hmm, problematic.
How you gonna fix that? - I'm sorry, you're asking me? - Well, yeah.
Sarah told me you have this big brain.
So for our follow-up mission, what do you recommend? Now that we know there's a trap I might use compressed air to knock it off the pedestal.
The dude liked to paint naked girls.
I mean, I can't say I blame him.
- Like what? - Like, I don't You know, something like Oh, that would work.
- Carina, Carina, what are you doing? - Improvising.
I got it.
Hey, this was only recon.
Just like Little League.
I got, I got it, I got it.
- What were you thinking? - Bad guys approaching fast.
I made a split-second decision.
- I was doing us a favor.
- Stop doing me favors.
Oh, go there, there.
Excuse me, pardon me.
Your shoulders looking a little red there.
- Thank you.
- Carina improvised.
She snatched the diamond.
Meet us on the beach.
I'm on it.
What the? Huh.
- Hey, Carina, what now? - You two run for it.
Give me the stone.
You can double-back and get me out.
What? No, she's lying.
- Chuck, trust me.
- You Remember what I said.
Oh, yeah? Which lie are you referring to? It's so hard to keep track these days.
- What? - Thanks, Chuck.
- You planned this? Catch you later.
Oh, my God.
Get in.
Get in the front, go.
Okay, come on.
Go, go, go.
I have to be able to trust you on a mission.
No matter how you're feeling about me personally.
How am I supposed to know Carina has a remote-controlled jet ski? - It's not usually an option in real life.
- Our orders were to bring the diamond in.
What's she gonna do? Is she gonna sell it? No, she's a gamer.
She'll give it to her bosses, move up the DEA's covert ranks.
What are you doing? Can't believe I have to work my stupid hotdog shift.
If I call in sick again, I'll get canned.
- What? - Don't be mad.
- Well, you left us to die.
- I knew you'd get out of it.
You're burning a bridge.
The CIA is gonna have your ass for this.
Well, I gotta run.
Thanks again.
- You go to work, I'll get the diamond.
- What? NSA magic.
I've put a trace on her phone.
Wherever she's going, I'm going.
- Eyes up front, soldier.
- L What are you? I was looking Carina? Can I help you, sir? Damn it.
- Carina.
- Martin? Yeah, sure.
I'm so glad I found you here.
Wow, you look fantastic.
I just Wow.
I just happened to be in the neighborhood.
- This is great.
- Sorry I didn't call.
It's just not gonna work out.
I've got this old relationship thing.
You wanna talk about it over coffee? - One for each of us, I'll treat.
- I can't.
It's just It's too soon.
Hello, Casey.
Where's the diamond? Love the competitive spirit, Johnny, but I don't have the diamond.
I'm not in the mood for any of your games.
- Give it to me now.
- I don't have it, I swear.
If I did, I'd give it to you.
Go ahead, look anywhere you'd like.
In fact, maybe you should just start with me.
I haven't heard from Casey in an hour so I'm going to Carina's hotel.
I need you to stay home tonight, got it? - You don't want my help? - Not tonight.
- So I'm off the team.
- No, Chuck, just benched.
But we're gonna have to talk about what happened.
- Someone got a headache tonight? - Yeah, yeah, that would be me.
Xbox? Where's Sarah? Oh, we had a fight, you don't want to hear about it.
Wow, fight, my man.
It's, like, your first fight.
That's kind of a big deal.
Wonder what our first fight would have been like.
I mean, I know it's stupid, but it's Sarah's fault.
I never would've done it if she told me the truth.
You're not even listening to me, are you? No, sorry.
I stopped listening when it wasn't anything about Carina.
And how she kissed me, and then dumped me.
Cari? You kissed Carina? Yeah, man.
At her hotel.
On the lips.
But I guess she has some past relationship or something? I don't know, man.
Her loss.
You want another one? Hells yeah, I can feel a bender coming on.
- All right, one grape soda coming up.
- Thanks, bud.
Oh, I got the new "Stealth Underlords" game.
I was gonna surprise Carina but that's another thing she'll be missing out on, so pfft.
- Lf you wanna grab it, it's in my bag.
- Sure.
Oh, Chuck? Can I get some more pizza? - Because I just I'm feeling a little - Got it.
- Hey, Chuck.
- Yes, Morgan.
You know what, if our relationships don't work out? Okay, because we got each other, don't we? - That's really, really sad.
- I know.
It's, uh, just like Prague, huh? Oh, that's very, very funny.
You're What are you doing? Smile.
He who owns the Nadan-I-Noor rules the world.
Hey, oh, hey, thank God.
I know that you're mad at me right now, okay.
Wait, you know this is Chuck, right? Okay, good.
Okay, listen.
The diamond that we stole, it is not a drug diamond.
It's not a drug diamond.
It belongs to an Afghan terrorist group.
I could get into details but point is, it's more dangerous than we thought.
Chuck, find Carina and tell her to bring me the diamond.
Hey, Morgan buddy, long story, but I'm gonna have to go ahead and Hey, listen, go ahead and take whatever you want, okay? I keep a little cash in my sock drawer.
And by little, I mean spare change.
Pizza? Absolutely, help yourself.
It's behind me on the counter.
This? You want this.
I can't actually give you this.
Because it's not mine to give, really.
Ow! - Carina? - Fine, it's me.
The mask is so Martin wouldn't ID me.
Now give me the diamond.
Wait, no, no.
I need your help, Sarah's in trouble.
Sarah's fine, she's very resourceful.
Now, the rock.
You're just gonna cross your fingers instead of helping your friend? Come on, you know this thing of ours? We're all in it for ourselves.
It's what we do.
It's not what Sarah does.
And if she would have thought that in Pakistan then you wouldn't be alive right now to have this conversation.
You want it? Here you go.
But with or without you, I'm gonna go help Sarah.
Just hold onto it.
In case I change my mind.
Dude, what's the ETA on my pizza? Uh, Buddy, I gotta go pick up some more.
And your grape soda's on the kitchen floor.
- Who do you work for? - Tiffany.
You have no idea who you're dealing with.
You didn't just take that diamond from me.
I was holding it for a friend of mine.
A very grouchy, dangerous friend.
Does he like your new look? Normally I don't mind women being rough but that was very rude.
Watch the one with the clovers.
I don't get it, Chuck.
I thought you and Sarah were on the outs.
I made a mistake.
I'm still getting used to how you guys need to lie about who you are.
I'm feeling like a knife fight.
You analysts don't know what it's like for us field agents.
But it's our job.
We shed identities like people shed clothes.
In your case, that's quite often.
We try them on, like them or leave them.
It doesn't even matter.
So you don't let anyone know who you really are? Can't.
Might have to leave them in 5 minutes or shoot them in the head.
Trust me, a spy doesn't want you to know anything about them that's real.
No matter who you are.
You carry the diamond, I'll act as intermediary.
And listen, if we're still alive afterwards, how about we go back to my room? Kind of stuck back on the still-alive part.
Told you smoking can be hazardous to your health.
Do you have what I want? Maybe.
Maybe I pawned it for front-row tickets to Justin Timberlake.
Why do you always have to provoke people? Show me the diamond.
I have it, I have it.
It's right here, I have it in this.
Just get There it is.
Here's your That's your I have it right there.
- Now give it to me.
- No.
I know that I'm new to this but I'm pretty sure that this is the part where I do what the man says.
He didn't say please.
Now, if you want it so badly, try taking it away from me.
Look around you.
Everyone in the room is with me.
What are you gonna do, fight us all? - All by yourself? - She's not by herself.
Gotta hide it, gotta hide it.
Gotta hide it.
Open the door.
Open the door, open up! Wait, wait, wait.
- You know where this goes? - No.
Well, neither do I.
So step back or I let it go.
Now what? I'm not really sure.
I hadn't thought it through that far.
- What? - What? Capturing the Nadan-I-Noor diamond has dissolved Peyman Alahi's credibility.
His network has fallen apart.
We were able to thwart the purchase of $26 million of surface-to-air missiles the terrorist group was planning on buying.
No diamond, no cash, no sale.
Job well done, people.
You didn't.
- Well, this was fun.
- Yeah, goodbye, Carina.
Working with you has been - Well, let's never do this again, hmm? - Thanks, Johnny.
Maybe next time you can shake it up a bit and pull the four-leaf clovers out of the rotation.
Well, you know, as much as I hate your methods there's never a dull moment, right? Well, if you want a dull moment, just check out your cover life.
Well, you know, we have our adventures.
Oh, uh, dinner tonight? So we can talk? - Pizza? - Sounds good.
Sure you don't wanna come back to my hotel room? Um as flattered and intimidated as I am by your proposition why me? Well, you're sort of cute-ish.
But, um, the real reason is I love taking what Sarah wants.
What? Me? No, Sarah Sarah doesn't want me.
Yeah, she probably doesn't even know it herself yet.
But, um, I do.
No olives.
It's the only thing I know about you that's true.
You don't like olives.
Thank you.
- Come in.
- Thank you.
Look, I'm sorry about the beach.
You're absolutely right I shouldn't let my feelings affect the mission.
And, um if you and Bryce, if you had a thing well, that makes sense.
He always got the great girls.
I just wish I knew something real about you.
Can't you just tell me just one true thing? Just one? Like, where did you grow up? Or if that's too much, I get it.
I get it, if that's too much, what's your name? What's your real name? Middle name.
What's your middle name? Can't you just tell me your middle name? I'm gonna go and get the napkins.
It's Lisa.
My middle name is Lisa.