Chuck s02e15 Episode Script

Chuck Versus the Beefcake

Who's the stiff? BECKMAN [ON MONITOR]: The corpse was dug up from a CIA dump site.
The grave belonged to Brad White.
It's one of the Fulcrum agents who ran the Intersect test on Chuck.
-Why would they rob his grave? -We need you to find out.
We picked up that whatever they took is potentially game-changing intelligence.
You want us to grab Chuck? I don't think that's necessary yet.
But keep a close eye on the asset until we have further information.
Don't let him out of your sight.
[RINGING] Chuck, it's Sarah.
Don't you wanna answer it? I'll, you know-- I'm gonna see her later anyway, so.
Sometimes you gotta play hard to get.
Cold and detached is a very powerful aphrodisiac, babe.
So is abstinence.
You wanna try it? Not getting involved.
The other night, you said some pretty heavy things about Sarah.
About her not being the one.
Well, you know, I mean, we've got our issues.
But don't worry, sis.
It'll all work itself out.
ELLIE: No, Chuck.
It won't.
That's what you always say.
You have to take control of your life if you wanna move forward.
You said you'd work at the Buy More temporarily.
It's been five years.
It's just-- It's not so easy breaking up with Sarah Walker, you know? It's a little complicated.
I know, I know.
And I love Sarah.
I just think that if she's not the one, you gotta tell her.
You're not just hurting her, you're hurting yourself.
Do you have any idea what it's like to be in a relationship so upsetting it keeps you up at night? -Vaguely familiar.
-I don't think you do, man.
Look at me.
I haven't slept in days.
You know, if I don't get at least 12 hours, I'm a basket case.
-Something wrong with you and Anna? -We're really good.
No, it's my mom and Big Mike.
They're like teenagers.
They just keep going at it and keep going at it.
The man moans like a wounded sea lion.
[SHUDDERING] I was just wondering if I could just crash with you till this whole thing blows over.
[PHONE RINGING] -Yeah, I'll run it by Ellie and Awesome.
-Thank you.
Thank you.
Screening my calls? Hey.
Yes, a little.
I've been meaning to talk to you.
I was waiting for the right time.
I've been slammed here at work.
Can I buy you a frozen yogurt? Sure.
-So, what did you wanna talk about? -You can go first.
Mine's spy-related, and I have a feeling yours isn't.
-I wanted to talk about us.
-You wanna break up again? I caught some chatter through bites of cereal on the surveillance tap.
-Sorry, it's an occupational hazard.
Of course.
Look, Sarah, it's not you.
-It's me.
-Not the best idea to give the it's-not-you-it's-me speech to an assassin.
I was warming up into original terrain.
Can you give us a minute, please, Casey? Um.
Look, Sarah, you know how much I care about you.
It's just getting so complicated lying to my sister and my friends.
I don't even know what lie I'm telling.
Tell them we're taking things slowly and that while we enjoy each other's company, we don't need to label it.
And who knows what the future holds for us? But that's just another lie, isn't it? We'll never really be together.
And that's why I think we should break up.
-Is that what you really want? -Yes, it is.
The most annoying romance of my life is over.
Downstairs, now.
Come on.
We were able to lift a print off the body bag.
It seems the grave was robbed by a Fulcrum agent, Cole Barker.
Seems like a real ladies' man.
He arrived at LAX this morning and took a cab to The Standard Hotel.
That's where he's going to meet his Fulcrum contact and make a handoff.
Agent Walker will attempt to retrieve the intelligence he's carrying using any means necessary.
That's all.
Can we get a little closer on this picture of Cole? Maybe push in on his groinal area? You seeing something you like down there, Bartowski? Oh.
Okay, I just flashed and the intelligence is in Cole's belt buckle.
Well, you're gonna have to get his pants off, Walker.
Good thing Bartowski dumped you.
Or should I call you son? Who are all those geeks at the Customer Service desk? You were supposed to hire a new green shirt today.
Wanna do the interview? Get a little taste of what the power of management is? Why can't you do it? Your mama asked me to stop by the house and take care of things.
Hasn't been a man around in a while, certain things have become, ahem -neglected.
-Like what? -Oh.
-Uh, the-- The plumbing's a mess.
I got to get there and lay down some pipe.
I gotta snake the drains.
Make sure everything's running smoothly again.
-Oh, God.
-You're in charge, son.
Just think, all this could be yours someday.
I wish we could hire a green shirt that looked like that.
Hey, you've got too much on your plate, emotionally.
-Jeff and I can help with the interviews.
-That's, um, oddly sensitive of you.
-And I appreciate it.
Thank you.
-Yeah, no.
-You know what I'm thinking? -No.
Casting couch.
-Follow me.
JEFF: I kind of like her.
And her.
Why are these babes gonna get busy with us, again? The casting couch is a long-honored tradition between men and women.
We offer fame and fortune.
They offer themselves.
For a job as a green shirt? Ah.
For the opportunity of a lifetime.
A high-paying modeling job at Burbank's finest electronics store.
May I present to you the Buy More babe.
Lester, you're a genius.
Beefcake just stepped in.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS] WAITRESS: Can I get you anything? -I'll have a martini.
Straight up.
Where's his contact? Do I have an Intersect in my head? Look around.
We don't have much time, so get to his room, get his belt off.
Make it a quickie.
Maybe there's, uh-- Maybe there's a better way to do this, you know.
Throw a sack over his head, drag him outside.
Come on, Casey, you're always up for a good mugging.
Can't risk his contact seeing us.
What's the matter, Bartowski? Afraid of a little competition? -Morgan, what are you doing here? -Chuck didn't tell you? Oh, man.
This is kind of embarrassing.
My mom is, uh, romantically involved with my boss from work.
So I need a place to stay.
-Big Mike's boning Bolonia? -Gross, honey.
-Morgan, look-- -Listen, Ell.
It'll just be for a few days, okay? And I promise I will earn my keep.
I've taken the liberty of drawing a bubble bath and ice-cold martinis.
Dry with olives.
-Well, thank you.
-Now, off to the tub with you.
The roast will be out of the oven soon.
Roast is in the oven.
Cole's Fulcrum contact is gonna be here any minute.
Time to let it all hang out.
I'm just wondering if it's safe for Sarah to be alone with such a dangerous guy.
It's okay, Chuck.
I've got protection.
And besides, we have a safe word.
If I ask for any Cristal champagne, Casey will know I'm in trouble.
She'll be fine.
Trust me.
It's not like it's her first time.
I noticed you sitting alone.
Very observant.
Do you want some company? Not really.
Well, neither do I.
But, uh, the problem is, if I sit alone at the bar-- [ON RADIO] --then every guy is gonna think I'm lonely and desperate.
And try and take a shot at a total stranger.
Isn’t that what you're doing right now? Guilty as charged.
If we're gonna continue this conversation I think I should make one thing abundantly clear.
I'm not a very nice guy.
Good, because I'm not into nice guys.
BARKER: Really? And why is that? Well, all they want to do is talk about their feelings and emotions.
And sometimes what a woman really wants is a man who acts.
Well, then why don't we stop talking and take this up to my room? You have my word, nothing nice will happen.
Good girl, Walker.
SARAH: What floor? BARKER: Hit 11.
Here we go.
Hot plate.
This is incredible, Morgan.
I mean, it is truly awesome.
You know, food is kind of like a seductress, you know? I'll give you a little tidbit.
I scored Anna by serving myself à la mode.
It's just a shame Chuck couldn't be here.
Although I'm pretty sure he's enjoying his own delicious meal right about now.
And of course I mean Sarah Walker.
Yeah, if he hasn't broken up with her yet.
Uh, why on God's green earth would he ever, ever break up with Sarah? Ask Ellie.
It was her idea.
-Really? -What? He said that he didn't think she was the one.
There are a few precious things I know anything about in this world.
Chuck's one of them.
Believe me, Sarah's the one.
-How do you know? -It's all over the kid's face.
When Chuck is around Sarah, he is the Chuck that we always dreamed of.
The Chuck that has the potential to do anything in the world.
Maybe I shouldn't have told Chuck to break up.
Look at the bright side, honey.
Chuck said he was moving out years ago.
It'll be years before he gets around to breaking up with her.
SARAH: Which room is yours? BARKER: Eleven-twenty-one.
It's a suite with a fantastic view giant king-size bed and a Jacuzzi tub.
You okay? Who, me? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Just curious if I'll be home in time for Charlie Rose.
You shouldn't listen.
Take that out.
I will listen.
In case I flash on something.
Like right now.
The two suits getting into the elevator, they're Fulcrum.
-They could be the contact.
-You stay here.
I'll handle this.
Hey, guys.
WOMAN: Could you hit eight? BARKER: Here we are.
Not so fast, honey.
[MOANING] SARAH: I usually don't do this on the first date.
[CHUCKLING] BARKER: Whoa! [PANTING ON RADIO] [CHUCKLING] Let me get something from my purse.
Aah! You're staying right here.
I hope this isn't too rough.
Oh, yeah.
Bartender, something really strong, please.
SARAH: Let's get this belt off.
BARKER: Sure thing.
Slow down, tiger.
I told you I wasn't a nice guy.
Okay, hands up.
It'll be okay, ma'am.
Step off the elevator with your baby.
Please don't shoot.
Let's go.
-Unh! WOMAN: Kill him.
SARAH: I'm-- I'm willing to try new things, but it's getting a little hot in here.
I wonder if we could maybe grab some champagne.
Maybe some Cristal? BARKER: Let's order the lady some Cristal.
Hit me again.
Hey, I need a bottle of Cristal for suite 1121.
I heard the safe word.
I think Sarah's in trouble.
Got my own problems, Chuck.
Don't be a hero.
Get out of here.
Okay, this is getting a little too dangerous for me right now.
Enough games, sweetheart.
Who do you work for? Hey.
Somebody order room service? Champagne? [GRUNTING] [GRUNTING CONTINUES] Sarah.
[GLASS SHATTERS] [WHIMPERS] [PANTING] Maybe you should put your dress on.
Because it's a little chilly in here.
We've got the belt and Agent Barker and we're heading to the car.
-You guys are making a huge mistake.
-We'll deal with you later.
There won't be a later.
You have no idea who you're dealing with.
You think I'm falling for this? Trust me, you're not that charming.
That's not our ride.
-Who are they? -Not ours.
Okay, you stay here.
I'm gonna pull fire away from you.
Casey, it's Sarah.
We need help now.
Listen to me clearly.
I'm not a Fulcrum agent.
I'm Ml6 working undercover.
-Why didn't you say anything before? -I didn't wanna blow my cover.
-How do I know you're not lying? -If you want her to live you don't have a choice.
Do something, or she's already dead.
-Get down.
Come with me if you wanna live.
[BARKER GRUNTS] You're not going anywhere.
I want to apologize to you directly, Agent Barker.
We had no record you were Ml6.
You people just blew We did recover the stolen intelligence, didn't we? I mean, it wasn't a complete loss.
I'm just saying it wasn't a complete loss.
Information on that chip is useless without the playback device.
Why? Fulcrum devised a system to ensure that information, if intercepted couldn't be read.
My mission was to bring the chip and find out what's on it.
To do that, we need the playback device.
I'm ordering you to stay locked down in Castle until we speak to your superiors and figure out our next move.
Agent Walker will stay with you.
Make sure you don't get yourself into any more trouble.
Well, I can think of worse ways to spend the night.
Funny, but I can't think of any.
You could stay at my house if you wanted to.
My best friend Morgan is sleeping on the sofa.
But I don't think he'd mind if you're there.
He has a beard like yours.
What's up, babe? Couldn't sleep? I'm worried about Chuck.
I'm afraid I shouldn't have pushed him to break up with Sarah.
Well, he's not home.
That's a good sign, if you know what I mean.
Come on, I'll make you a cup of tea.
It'll help you sleep.
Whoa! Evening.
Talk about low-hanging fruit.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna kill Chuck.
Didn't Chuck tell you I sleep in the buff? Hey, come on, big guy.
Where are you going? It's not a big deal.
But-- But you know what I'm saying.
Um, so are you sure that you're okay alone with this guy? I don't mind staying.
Go home, Chuck, and get some sleep.
I'll see you in the morning.
Oh, hey, Chuck.
You got a second? Uh.
Yeah, sure.
-So, um, what's the deal with you two? -The--? Us two? It's-- You know, it's purely professional.
-Why? -Uh, because she's hot.
Since there's nothing going on between you I'm gonna try and butter that muffin.
-Aren't we missing a houseguest? -Oh.
Honey, it'll be okay.
-Your boy dropped trou last night.
-Excuse me? -Mm-hm.
-The bearded buffoon sleeps au naturel.
Which I respect, just not on my couch.
Appetite gone.
I am so, so sorry.
Yes, let's just forget about it.
Did you talk to Sarah? I did.
And we've decided that we're just gonna be friends.
"Oh"? Oh, what? Didn't you say that I should break up with her? That I needed to move forward with my life, remember? Yeah, I do remember saying that.
I just think that once you let her go, it's gonna be really hard to get her back.
Back? Why would I need to get her back? What she means is that, um, a babe like her is not gonna be on the market for long, bro.
Seriously, Chuck.
What were you thinking? [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] Good morning, darling.
How come you never came to bed last night? I didn't feel like sleep.
Who said anything about sleeping? Let me make this very clear.
I'm not interested.
Me neither.
I just think your seduction skills could use a little work.
And I'm offering my services.
Well, you seemed pretty reluctant in your hotel suite last night.
Well, I didn't wanna blow the cover.
CHUCK: Sarah? Cole? Cole.
Look, I'm not saying you don't possess the necessary instruments.
You've been a bit out of practice.
Look at this place.
Locked up in this dungeon.
It's like keeping a Botticelli in the basement.
No one can appreciate the beauty.
Get dressed.
As you wish.
Uh-- -Come here.
-What? We gotta think about it some more.
Next applicant.
So my agent says that the salary is between four and seven figures.
We are not at liberty to discuss numbers, I'm afraid.
It means it's completely negotiable.
-Are you not wearing any underwear? -I don't know.
Am I? I'm confused.
Are you the owners? No, no, no.
Our acquaintance's mother is sleeping with the store manager.
-So basically-- -Don't think of us as bosses.
Think of us as bosses with privileges.
Does your building have a security-access code? [CHUCKLES] He's just-- Late-night emergencies are common in this line of work.
So if you're looking for a sales associate then why do you need to hire a swimsuit model? I nearly have a degree in business from the El Segundo School of Finance.
So some of these concepts might be over your head.
-I have a business degree from Harvard.
Friendly rivalry.
-I'm calling my boyfriend.
I'm calling the police.
Who's in charge here? -Chuck.
So we can't open it.
How do we get the playback device? Maybe I can hack the chip.
I've cracked a data drive or two in my day.
BARKER: Not like this.
It's more complicated than stealing video games.
Don't try to be a hero on this one.
Leave it to the pros.
Excuse me, I am a pro.
My job is a certified computer and electronics technician.
-Great cover.
-It's not a cover, it's his life.
We're gonna read what's on that chip if we get the playback device.
Maybe my cover is still intact.
I'll call my contact and arrange a meet.
No, that's too dangerous.
It's sweet that you're worried about me, but I can handle the heat.
It's not that.
It's the intelligence on that chip falling into Fulcrum's hands.
I'll go without it.
Leave the chip here.
Worst-case scenario, we smoke out a few Fulcrum agents.
Worst-case scenario, they catch you and kill you.
Well, that's a chance I'm just gonna have to take.
Give me a chance.
Maybe I can do this.
Chuck, just go back to the Buy More.
We'll call you when it's over.
Hey, don't worry, champ.
Lots of other fish in the sea.
Don't get cute with that chip, Bartowski.
SARAH: Know how to handle that? I need you to smooth things out with your sis.
I'll wear pajama bottoms.
Not now, Morgan.
I'm in the middle of something.
Are you Chuck? -Yeah.
How can I help you? You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
-Oh! I told Jeff and Lester to hire the new green shirt.
And I guess they took a few liberties.
I'm sure they did.
BARKER [ON RADIO]: My contact is late.
I don't see him anywhere in this crowd.
Any sign of Fulcrum? Hard to tell.
They all look the same.
There they are.
We're on.
Signal Sarah when you see the playback device, then we'll move in.
-You got the chip? -You got the playback device? Someone call for a professional? Don't tell me to leave the spy work to the spies.
Someone just tripped the homing device on the microchip.
This guy doesn't have it.
It's coming from Burbank.
It's a setup.
Kill him.
Casey, gun.
CASEY: Hold your position.
That's an order.
Cole could be in danger.
He's off the grid.
We're not authorized to be here.
Get back here.
SARAH: Drop it.
WOMAN: No, you drop it.
MAN: Don't move.
You almost fooled us, till someone tried to hack into the real chip.
And they said it couldn't be done.
Well, that's when they call in the real pros, isn't it? [SCREAMING] -Check it out.
The fuzz.
-Oh, God.
One of those models called the cops.
-I told you not to flash them, perv.
-The casting couch was your idea.
How can I help you? Bartowski better lock it down.
-Let's get out of here.
That was dumb.
Why do people always insist on doing things the hard way? No, no.
I assure you, I don't.
What is the hard way? [GRUNTING] Oh, my God.
This is unbearable.
My back is killing me.
My wrists are chafing.
This is gonna get ugly.
What level is his pain tolerance? -I'd say about a one out of 10.
-What? A one? I'd say I'm at least at an eight.
Chuck, the torture hasn't started yet.
This is the pre-torture? Okay, okay, put me down for a one.
Sarah, I saw it.
I know what's on the chip.
What? Uh, sorry, mate.
It's a bit difficult to put my fingers in my ears right now.
It's okay, Chuck.
I'm on it.
It's me.
We can't let Fulcrum ever find out.
No matter what, you cannot tell them.
I can't-- I can't handle torture, Sarah.
You see all those syringes? You know how I feel about needles.
Don't worry.
I'll incite them, get them to kill us quick.
Interesting plan.
We just have to hold out until Casey gets here.
Until then, if the pain becomes unbearable, pass out.
-How? -Scare yourself.
Shouldn't be too hard.
Glad to see you're all in such a chatty mood.
The identity of the Intersect is on that chip.
So who wants to tell me first? [WHIMPERING] Hey.
Ooh, nice suit.
Where you headed, a funeral? Yeah, yours if you don't tell me where Bartowski is.
-He got pinched.
-What? Cops nabbed him for indecent exposure.
Guy can't keep it in his pants.
What cops? A hot woman.
Real taskmaster type.
She can frisk me anytime.
Shut up, you idiot.
That's how we got in this mess in the first place.
I would not like to share a cell with that.
I can't take it anymore.
No more torture.
[GRUNTING] BARKER: She's torturing me, idiot.
Tell me who the Intersect is, Cole and the pain can end.
Sarah, I can't let them do this.
She's gonna kill him.
No, Chuck, no.
Just keep your mouth shut.
Enough, enough.
Can't you see he's never gonna talk? Everybody talks.
Cole knows that.
Well, how about it? You ready to talk, or should I turn up the heat? I know what's on the chip.
I watched it.
No, Chuck, no.
It's me.
I'm the one you're looking for.
All along, it was you.
Do you really think the CIA would put its entire database of secrets inside his head? He's a weakling.
How could they send him on assignment? How could he even withstand torture? It's true.
He's just a computer and electronics technician.
A brave one, but he's not the Intersect.
Then who is? Me.
I'm the Intersect.
No, he's not.
It's me, okay? I resent the fact that I couldn't stand up to torture.
Do your worst.
You can stick that incredibly long needle in my eye, I wouldn't tell you anything.
ALEXIS: This needle? You want me to put this needle in your eye? You know-- You know, on second thought.
Wake him.
General, we have a situation.
I need surveillance from a NASA satellite.
What's going on, Agent Casey? Fulcrum's captured the asset.
I suspect he's being tortured.
Dear God.
He'll never last.
Aah! It's freezing.
No, please.
Please, no more torture.
We will try a different approach.
Tell me who the Intersect is by three or I inject Agent Walker with enough ricin to kill an army.
One, two-- -It's me.
-It's me.
Hands in the air.
Don't move.
-Let me see your hands.
Get down.
MAN 2: Don't move.
Get on the ground.
CASEY: Hands, now.
Our turn now.
We get to find out everything you know about Fulcrum.
No, you won't.
Trust me, babe.
Everyone talks.
I know.
No! [PANTING] Fulcrum wins.
[GROWLS] Thank you.
What happened? Well, I fainted and hit my head on the ground.
Real brave, Bartowski.
CHUCK: I fainted on purpose.
That was my move.
You know I'm terrified of needles.
So your move was to faint and his was to endure torture.
We have different methods.
Looks like his method is working.
Keep the ice on that.
Oh, I'm fine.
I'm really proud of you.
It's not easy to withstand torture.
CHUCK: They didn't know the buttons to push.
I have exceptionally ticklish toes, you know.
As a child, Ellie was able to extract information from me at will.
That's good to know.
Besides, you've had a lot of practice enduring torture with our fake relationship.
You know, it wasn't completely torture.
We certainly had our moments, didn't we? Well, even though it wasn't real, I'm really gonna miss it.
Look, maybe I made an impulsive decision.
Well, I guess I'd better be heading out.
Chuck, thanks for risking your life for me.
Don't ever do it again.
Don't worry, I won't.
Right, I'll give you two a couple minutes.
We have to talk about Chuck.
If you know who Chuck really is, then you pose a security threat.
Someone that I have to handle.
Well, I can't say being handled by you is an unappealing option.
Look, if I've proved anything to you by now it's that I can keep my word.
Feel free to say no but your government has sent a fully-loaded G4 to fly me to London.
I figure same amount of fuel, we could go to Fiji.
Sorry, I need to work.
I'm offering to help you with your interrogation skills.
-Do these lines actually work? -Often.
Change of tactic.
The truth.
I really need a vacation.
And it looks like you do too.
All I can offer you is good company, warm sun and lots of wild passion, because the truth is I think you're a breathtakingly beautiful woman.
You've spent so much time worrying about someone else.
You've forgotten about yourself.
SARAH: I've got work to do.
-See you around.
Hey, Chuck, I was thinking that maybe Ellie seeing me naked was actually a blessing in disguise.
Not for her, it wasn't.
I realized I need my own place, somewhere I can sleep naked and my poor sweet mother isn't constantly being violated by my boss.
-Yeah, that sounds sensible.
-It makes perfect sense.
I'm 27 years old, I live in the same room with the same Tron poster I've had since I was 12.
I need to make something happen, you know? Yeah.
Yeah? Let's move in together.
Tell me you're not joking.
Let's do it, buddy.
I mean, it's time we both moved on with our lives.
Damn right it is, buddy.
[MORGAN LAUGHING] I've been waiting so long to hear you say those words.
MIKE: Bartowski.
How come I got a machine full of calls from Human Resources? Some kind of harassment.
I may have a couple of ideas, sir.
Get in my office.
You think he'll talk? Everyone talks.
[TIRES SCREECHING] [CRASHING] -Guys? -Ellie, Awesome.
You guys gather round.
We got an announcement.
ELLIE: Is it safe? -Yeah, no.
Cool, man, cool.
-Fruit stand's closed.
-It's okay, babe.
It's still a little fresh.
It'll wear off.
Hey, you wanna do the honors? Ellie, Awesome I have made a very important decision.
I'm moving out.
-And moving in with Morgan.
Oh, yeah.
Video games and nudity all day and all night.
-What's up? -What are you--? Oh, I'm sorry.
Can I talk to you for a second? It's kind of important.
MORGAN: Take your time.
Hey, Sarah.
Talk about your third wheel.
Cole's been captured, by Fulcrum, we believe.
Oh, my God.
That's terrible.
I'm sorry.
He knows you're the Intersect.
We have to go into 24-hour protective detail until further notice.
What exactly does that mean? It means we can't break up and we have to move in together.
Well, Ellie's watching.
We'd better sell it.
Are you sure about this? I mean, he's a really tough guy.
Maybe he won't talk.
Chuck, everyone talks.