Chuck s05e02 Episode Script

Chuck Versus the Bearded Bandit

Hi, I'm Chuck.
Here are a few things that you might need to know.
Let's dance.
- Hello, Chuck.
- Decker froze Bale's accounts.
Castle and the Buy More aren't frozen.
- All of our money? We have nothing? - Payback's a bitch.
The Buy More.
We take Buy More's profits put them into Carmichael Industries until both companies can make money.
My name is Charles Carmichael, and I have one final question for you: Have you ever needed to subdue a Basque terrorist on a Swiss train? Or fight your way through the jungles of Southeast Asia? Or take out an arms dealer with a penchant for murder and ice cream? Well, we have.
So while considering security needs, when lives are on the line I implore you to consider us.
It's not that one.
It's not that-- Carmichael Industries.
Thank you.
- You did good.
That was good.
All right, we have one more team presenting.
Uh, they should be here, uh, any minute.
What's happening? Wait, this is not a real attack, is it? No, this is our competition.
Three hundred agents from all over the world.
CIA, KGB, Mossad and Interpol.
We work for the Pentagon, we work for the Kremlin and we'll work for you.
My name is Gertrude Verbanski, and we are Verbanski Corp.
And if we can get to you, we can get to anyone.
Yeah, Verbanski.
Sorry, kind of got carried away; there I thought-- This is not a bit that? Right.
Uh Go ahead.
Who is she? One of the KGB's most ruthless spies till the fall of the Soviet Union.
Then she went into the private-security game.
And how do you know her? Minsk, 1995.
I was being a patriot.
Anyway, we had an altercation.
I ended up with a Rosewell blade in my shoulder.
Made a nasty scar right over one of my favorite scars.
Well, Verbanski is good.
She took all of our potential clients today.
Awesome ditched rock climbing to help me.
He is gonna be so disappointed.
It didn't go well? Did you give eye contact to all four quadrants of the audience? It was great, all of your advice was great.
Of course it was.
Same tactics I used to woo your hot sister, heh.
Um Look, we were just a little outmatched is all.
Well, at least you still have the Buy More, bro.
Still cash flow coming in there.
Right? - What? Is that an actual tumbleweed? - Yeah.
We put in a home-and-garden section to drum up business.
I'm glad someone put out the tumbleweed.
- Oh, boy.
- Anyway, how was the presentation? Not good.
No, not good.
Verbanski Corp took all of our clients.
Put me out there, you don't worry about what other companies are doing.
Look, I know I seem like just an ordinary guy but I am, in fact, the Intersect.
Multibillion-dollar CIA asset turned super-weapon-for-hire.
Buddy, no one can know that we have the walking CIA database on our team, okay? The Intersect is a secret weapon for a reason.
That sucks, man.
I have all these powers and abilities.
And how am I to help people if I can't tell anybody about it? Because, Morgan, if you do, it could get you killed.
- What? - Oh, I just zoomed.
I just zoomed.
- There's a bad guy in the Buy More.
- Are you sure? Know what we gotta do? We gotta take him down.
Take a breath.
We gotta be subtle about this.
He's going for a weapon.
He's coming.
- I'm in.
I'm in.
- Morgan.
Ah-! Not good.
You just found out that the zoom is mightier than the sword, my friend.
Hey, hey, hey.
You okay? Man, I feel incredible.
Did you see that? You like that, "the zoom is mightier than the sword?" Oh.
Casey, we have a bit of a situation here.
I just got a call and someone wants to hire Carmichael Industries.
He's coming to the Buy More to meet with us now.
We actually just met, heh.
Sneijder? Mister -- We are so sorry.
Please, take a muffin.
What's happening? Welcome to Carmichael Industries.
Uh, I must apologize for your unnecessarily rough welcome, Mr.
Or, uh, shall I call you Karl'? - You want a muffin or not'? - He made them fresh this morning.
Um, I just have one, uh, little question for you.
Is there a reason why our, uh partner thought that you were, I don't know, a criminal? I do work in the diamond industry in South Africa.
We're not known -for keeping our hands clean.
- Hmm.
I don't eat bran.
Nobody does.
I told you.
Listen, I've come to ask for your help on something entirely legitimate.
We're listening.
My little brother, Wesley, was kidnapped by a buyer I may have wronged in the past.
I don't know where he's being held, but I do know he's being tortured.
My little brother, he never wanted to have anything to do with my affairs.
He's a good man.
- And they will kill him unless - We save him.
Why should we believe these people actually; took your brother? They sent me this.
We gonna draw straws to see who opens that thing? - Oh.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's not even on ice, I-- That's probably not gonna be able to be reattached.
I know it's not a lot of money but I'm willing to offer you $200,000 upfront and another 200,000 when you deliver my brother to me.
And I know you don't wanna help me, but please consider helping my brother.
No one else will.
If you don't mind, we'll take some time to consider your offer and check facts.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, I- ls your friend with the beard going to be a problem? - No.
- No.
What Morgan did today in the Buy More could've really blown our cover.
The first months with the Intersect are a big adjustment.
It's scary and exciting.
Your hormones are totally out of whack.
You're really rediscovering your body.
- It's a lot to take in, all I'm saying.
- That's exactly why he needs a handler.
What? Who, me? You had Casey and me, Chuck, okay? Morgan needs you.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Chuck.
Listen, I wanted to, uhsay sorry about what happened with Sneijder.
No, hey, buddy, you know, look, I totally get it.
It took me a while to be out there with the Intersect too, so It's like, uh, Peter Parker, Amazing Spider-Man.
The thing is, it took him a while to kind of really harness in his powers to really get a hold of his Spidey sense.
- Right.
- So Yeah, heh.
Uh, which, interestingly enough brings me to something I wanted to talk to you about.
Um, I was wondering what you thought about me maybe being your handler? I could show you the ropes just like Sarah and Casey did for me.
- Yeah.
- Great.
And on missions, you know, you can still show off your zooms.
But for now, we gotta keep the Intersect under wraps and focus on the store.
Aloha, Chuck.
Hello, stepchild.
- Hey, Like my new threads? I just got back from four weeks of sexual experimentation and snorkeling with my new wife in Hawaii.
So, what you boys been up to? The Buy More seems empty.
Are we observing International Pancake Day? No, no, no.
Um Business has just, you know, been a little slow.
That's not gonna work for me.
I need this job.
Bolonia Grimes Tucker is not a cheap tigress, boys.
I think we're on the same page, Big Mike.
Not having to do with your mother being a tigress.
I wouldn't know anything about that.
But we need something new, we need something big to save the Buy More.
I may actually have just the thing.
Say, Miss Lady, you need any help? Yeah, Pops, I do.
Do you have Betamax? Sure enough.
We even sell VCRs depending, of course, on what you're into.
- And it's on sale, only 2 grand.
- Oh! That's a far-out deal, mister.
But come on now, you only buying that? Why don't you Buy More? Damn, I was skinny.
Boogie fever So I figure we just re-air this spot.
Brought in a lot of business at the time, if you know what I mean.
Na offense, Big Mike, but it feels a little dated.
Maybe we should come up with something that showcases some of our more current merchandise.
Maybe what we're looking for is a fresh face uh, to kind of tell people that the Buy More, um has something new to offer.
- Hmm, yeah.
- Right? I hear you.
Everybody wants something new.
The finger is a positive match, Casey.
It definitely belongs to Wesley Sneijder.
Yeah, got it.
You were right on the location too.
Got eyeballs on Wesley.
He's being held in a guarded compound.
Well, let's just see how well protected you are.
What the hell do you think you're doing? Hey, hey, I'm just hunting waterfowl, that's all.
What are you doing? - You're on private property, man.
- Oh, well, my bad, then.
Uh, sorry, I didn't realize.
No harm, no fowl.
Get it? Okay, have a nice day.
At least 12 guards with weapons pointed at the entrance.
- We are not going in the front door.
- There has to be another way in.
If there is, I'll find it.
Oh, I get it, he meant waterfowl.
Hello? Ah.
Please forgive me.
It's our busy season.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, yes, not many people have disarmed Colonel Casey but I like to remember all my victories, even little ones.
Have a seat.
Uh, you mind telling me what I'm here for? You said you had some information.
Verbanski Corp has a job opening.
- And? - And put simply, I want you.
Private security isn't a game you just try your hand at.
I have agents in 38 countries under 15 separate Pentagon contracts worth over 2 billion annually.
Well, that's very impressive.
And what does Carmichael Industries have other than a former colonel and a CEO with skinny arms? What am I really doing here? We both know I'm not gonna leave my husband's company.
Are you trying to recruit John Casey? Is that his name on that second folder? Let me be frank.
I'm talking to you because you're good but your company isn't going to last, Miss Walker.
You should switch while you can.
First of all, ifs missus, and second of all, I'm disappointed.
I thought this was gonna be a friendly cooperation between business associates.
But if it's competition that you want, then I suggest you watch your back.
Oh, by the way, when this whole thing ends don't expect me to mount anything of yours in my office.
It's just tacky.
Casey said he wanted something light.
He said that, but he doesn't mean it.
Is this the best use of our time? We could be doing so much more.
Zim-zam-zoom, chop-socky.
- Morgan.
-I-- I know.
I'm talking a lot about the Intersect, but, you know, I finally get it, though.
For the first time, I sort of feel as cool as you.
I can't figure out why I can't use what I have to make this dusty little rock that we all have to share well, just a bit better for all of us.
- It's a pretty good speech - Give me all your money.
Get it now.
- Morgan.
Morgan, look.
- Hurry up.
I'm getting it.
- My God.
- I know.
- This is it, what I've been waiting for.
What? What? What do you mean what you've been waiting for? A chance for the Bearded Bandit to come out and play.
What are you talking about? This isn't a game.
I know, but I can do this, I can save the day.
Do you even know what "bandit" means? It's like "robber" or "crook.
" No, I Googled it.
It's a fighter aircraft.
What? I don't-- What did you say? I Googled it, It's slang also for "fighter aircraft," so there's that.
This is not a good idea, Morgan.
Wish me luck.
Morgan, Morgan.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
Are you a COP? Heh, not even close, sweetheart.
I'm the Bearded Bandit.
Oh, no.
Uh Take whatever you want.
Just don't hurt me, No, nu.
It's a slang term for fighter“ For-- Uh - Morgan.
- Nice save, Chuck.
That's what I'm talking about.
We could do this.
Be superheroes.
I'm the worst hand [er in the world.
Holy crap, Chuck.
Move, move, the fuzz, fuzz, fuzz.
- I know, uh, I know, it's just-- - Chuck, we are a legitimate company not a bunch of vigilantes fighting crime at the Circle K.
I know that, I know.
But his heart is in the right place.
That should matter for something.
Morgan is your responsibility.
He could have gotten killed and the clerk yesterday.
That is what matters.
We found the compound where Wesley's kept.
We've already alerted Karl.
There's just one thing left we need to handle.
You're sticking me in the van? Chuck, come on, dude, I am the Intersect, man.
Okay, all right, okay, look.
You don'! wanna pitch me to potential clients, that's up to you, okay? But you gotta use me an the missions.
- Morgan, it's not that simple.
- But it is that simple.
How is it not? You're my friend.
Buddy, we got lucky at the Circle K.
Very, very lucky.
What you did was dangerous and letting you do that was my fault, I'm your handler, not just your friend.
I need to protect you.
Buy More commercial, take 28.
- Rolling, and quiet.
- It's one line.
Can't you even deliver one line? Why not Buy Mme? Remind me of one of them (roll dolls.
And action.
- Why not Buy More? WOW! Man, I am so over this whole Jeffster thing.
- Me loo.
- Cut.
Just stop.
My commercial was a hit because I was a hot piece of meat a thing women and men wanted which, at the time, was a lot less common.
The store's on the line here.
None of you have a face that'll bring in customers.
Sookie, sookie.
Mike, you guys got any baby pads around here? Yeah, uh, Aisle 3.
Okay, heh.
That's a pretty' man.
Casey did some recon and the house is impregnable from the front road.
Yeah, and this cliff is impossible to free-climb.
Told you, sounds like a job for the old-- A job for real spies.
There, why don't you wait in the van? Don't worry, buddy, you'll be with us on the next one.
- Ready? - Absolutely.
"Wait in the van, Morgan.
" "Yeah, wait in the van.
" "Oh, in the van, moron.
Grunt, grunt, grunt.
" We're on a private line.
I didn't wanna worry Chuck, but I had a meeting with Verbanski yesterday.
What did she want? Ugh, apparently she wanted to recruit me, but I think she was really after you, What do you mean? Well, she has your gun on display in her office.
The gun from Minsk? She kept my gun? Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Casey? - Casey, I'm slipping.
- Casey.
Looking good, babe.
Doing good up there.
Doing good.
There you go.
Jeez, what's up with you and Verbanski anyway? Don't worry, Walker.
I got your back.
Still climbing.
Holy cow.
- All clear.
- All clear.
About time.
Okay, Chuck, this is all you.
- Who are you people? - We're here to save you.
- What are you talking about? - Relax.
Your brother hired us.
He did what? What are you doing? We're hereto protect you.
The only thing keeping my brother from killing me are the men I hired to guard this compound.
What? - But your finger.
- Who do you think cut it off? I'm trying to testify against him.
This is a giant misunderstanding.
We're not here to hurt you.
- Yeah, my men will be here any second.
- Morgan, get the van ready.
Morgan, do you copy? Morgan? Get back.
Kamikaze! I'm gonna punch you in the face.
What's up, team? You guys need some help? - Yes and no.
- Okay.
That's- Just zoomed.
Wesley's brother's not trying to save him.
- He's trying to-- We know.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
If the Intersect wasn't stifled, we would've known that ahead of time and I wouldn't have had to take out Wesley's guards.
- Really sorry about that, dude.
- It's, you know, - Hey, Karl.
- Sat images show.
that you took care of the guards at the compound.
Nice work.
I have a team coming up the access road to pick up my brother.
Do you'? That's great.
That's great news.
We'll be right here waiting for them.
Bye now.
Karl's men are gonna be here any minute.
- Yes.
- Well, then I'm a dead man.
We came here to save you and that's what we're gonna do.
What? No, no, no.
The Intersect runs from no man.
For now, he does.
Let's go, Morgan.
- We had a deal.
- Exactly.
You hired us lo save your brother.
No, I paid you to extract him and bring him to me.
We didn't know you were planning on killing him.
Nor did we know you were responsible for the finger-cutting, That's crazy.
Listen, you have exactly four hours to deliver Wesley to me.
Otherwise, I’m coming after you and that is something you will not enjoy.
And that comment card you sent with the contract? Well, you can consider-- - What are we gonna do'? - Got a fingerless guy in the game room and his psychopath brother threatening to come after us.
So we go to the source.
We take out Karl before he gets to us.
With what army? We don't work for the government.
If we can get to Beckman, she can help put Wesley into custody.
No, there's no time for that.
We have to act now, We're not going into a firefight unprepared.
End of story.
I feel like a burrito.
Go on a food run, huh? - A food run? - Yeah.
- Again, I am the Intersect.
- Then act like it.
Okay, okay.
Why don't I just go with you, buddy? And we can get a little breather while we wait to hear back from Beckman.
Don't forget the utensils.
Thank you.
Must have had one too many pina coladas and my blood pressure is generally outrageous, I'm just glad I was here for your dizzy spell.
Devon, ever given any thought to doing something that involves less doctoring and more making a commercial for the Buy More? - What? - The Buy More needs a fresh face.
I'm about to go on paternity leave to spend more time with my family.
Sure, I did some modeling for Abercrombie & Fitch back in college but, heh, I hung up those cargo pants a long time ago.
Hold on.
I'm not talking about doing some teenage porno.
This is your brother-in-law's place of business, and it's empty.
But your creamy skin and unusually high cheekbones can change all that.
And if you are taking time off to help your family isn't Chuck your family too? I can't believe Casey sent us out for burritos.
Burritos, Chuck? I'm tired of running errands for that man's stomach.
Look, Casey means well.
Yeah, but it's not just Casey, dude, okay? It's Sarah too.
What is that supposed to mean? Isn't she the one who told you to be my handler in the first place? - Yeah- - Did it occur to you that she made you my babysitter to distract you from the fact you're being sidelined? I don't know if you noticed, chief.
You're on a food run with me.
Look, I'm not- Look, I love Sarah, I do, okay? It's just I wanna make sure that she's not the one handling you.
She's not.
- You just passed the exit for Dos Locos.
- We're not going to Dos Locos.
We're going to Karl Sneijder's corporate headquarters.
Oh, yeah.
Zoomed on a file in Castle.
Oh, did you? And why didn't you tell anyone? Why would I, okay? We're gonna take him down.
No, no, Bearded Bandit.
No, we are not.
It is far too dangerous.
I'm gonna call Casey and Sarah.
They can help.
They can what? Stick us both in the van? No.
Come on, Chuck.
We don't need them.
We're here.
Hey, they don't understand that you and I are like Batman and Robin, okay? Unless you don't wanna be Robin.
Who wants to be Robin? We'll be Batman and Batman.
We should be saving the day, not running errands or waiting for Beckman to get back to us.
Morgan, I know what it feels like to have the Intersect surging through you.
- Like you can do-- - Anything.
Yes, yes, anything.
Save the day, be a hero, anything.
Put those away.
What are you doing? Here's the thing, though, Chuck.
You don't need the Intersect to feel that.
With or without it, you are a hero, so don't call them.
All right, we can handle this together.
Just come with me.
I need you.
Morgan, no, no, no! God.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
Chuck? - Sarah.
We're at Sneijder's headquarters.
What? Don't go in there.
I know.
Morgan ran inside, he's in trouble, We 're in trouble, Fm going after him.
Chuck, no, you can't.
Please wait for us, okay? I'm Morgan's handler.
It's my job to take care of him.
Which is why I called you, which is why I have to go help him now.
You'd do the same for me.
Oh, God.
Chuck's doing a great job handling Grimes.
The blind leading the blind out there.
We get to Sneijder's headquarters before something happens.
Casey, what is this? Your team- They're at my brother's building, right? That place may look like an ordinary office but Karl realizes something's up, he's gonna lock it down like a fortress.
No one's gonna be able to get in or out of there alive.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You came.
- Let's go.
No, no.
Stop, stop, stop.
Through that door, that's Sneijder's office.
We find proof that he's smuggling conflict diamonds and then grab him.
What are you talking about? We have to go.
I'm not going anywhere, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa, trouble.
No, no, no.
Listen, you are the best spy that I know and I would rather have nobody else watching my back.
Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna take it slow.
Please don't.
- See? Nothing to it.
- It's great.
Very good.
Now what? In the old days, we'd just call the commandos for backup.
Wanna work for Verbanski Corp, have a DOD contract -,.
go ahead.
- I don't wanna work for her.
I saw her website on your computer, okay? - How much is she offering you? - Nothing.
The only thing Verbanski's interested in is me.
- Sexually.
- What? Watch the road, Walker.
Sweep the leg.
It was a long time ago.
It only happened once.
Seeing her again makes it, ugh, complicated.
Complicated how? Well you ever, uh, have sex with someone who'd just tried to kill you? Oh, God.
It was incredible.
Okay, I think we should focus on the mission now.
Uh-huh? - Wow, good job, Indy.
- Yeah.
Who? Indiana Jones? - You know? - Cool.
Let's go get Sneijder.
Wait, no.
We have to get out of here right now.
If there's five to start with, then there's more.
- Chuck-- - Da-da-da-da, Intersect Handler.
But look what we did here, man.
Just like I said, Batman and Batman.
Just because you have the Intersect doesn't mean you don't have something to learn.
You have a lot to learn.
I'm not gonna let you kill yourself today.
- I called Casey and Sarah.
- What? You called them? Mr.
Carmichael? I do wish you would have called before dropping by.
Place is a mess.
So did you bring me my brother About that Wesley was right.
The building's already in lock down.
We have to get in there.
Chuck's not answering his phone.
- We have to do something.
- We're not gonna get in now.
Place is a fortress.
The boys are on their own.
Well, that is not good enough.
I'm gonna do whatever it lakes to get us in there.
Who are you gonna call? I cannot believe that you called them.
I had Sneijder right where I wanted him.
We're not superheroes, not vigilantes, we're a team.
I thought this one was you and me.
Why are you so against Casey and Sarah? Because they don't believe in me, they don't trust me.
And it's very clear to me now, neither do you.
- Morgan-- - Shut up! I can'! listen to you schoolgirls babble on anymore.
Come to think of it I only need one hostage to get my brother back.
What's happening? Oh, I know what's happening.
Put your weapons down.
I'm son's, one more time for clarity, and then I shoot something that counts.
Put your weapons down.
I got a couple of buddies in Moscow who would love to get you in a tiny windowless room for a couple hours.
- You came.
- Well, it wasn't cheap.
You know, some might say it's tacky hiring your competition to help you, but I think it takes balls.
Oh, and I'll have someone from our Burbank office drop off your bill.
We don't have a payment plan.
Always a pleasure, John.
You guys all right? Yeah.
Thank you for coming.
We needed you today.
Yeah, of course.
We're a team.
What's with all these people? My God, do you think something's wrong? Just tell me Jeff's not trying to bathe in the washing machine again.
So this is more than just a store.
This is my second home.
It's the 1080p television that I watch the big game on.
The waterproof radio that I listen to in the shower.
It's the blender that I use to make my protein shakes -that help me look like this all day.
- His eyes follow everyone in the store.
So, yeah, I guess for someone like myself who's a he-an surgeon and a natural athlete, why not buy from the best? Why not Buy More? Well, I guess we're in a better financial situation than we thought.
Sneijder gave us 200 grand.
Yeah, well, we still owe Verbanski Corp Plus, 30 grand for the repairs on Wesley's safe house.
- The climbing gear.
- V-21 bolt gun.
Gas for the Lotus.
What? Okay, fine, I'll cover that.
Hey, it's a start, and it's what we needed.
Well, it's something.
I feel like I should just say that, uh, I'm sorry, you know, for what happened.
Buddy, me too.
I'm sorry.
I called Casey and Sarah to protect you, not hurl you.
I'm trying to be the best handler I can be.
I'm just new at this, you know? Sure.
I get it.
So I'm not gonna be a spy for a while, right? That's kind of what I'm picking up, though.
Yeah? Look, you have all the potential in the world.
It just takes time, that's all.
And I promise you, I will be with you every step of the way -,.
until the day that you are ready.
- Hmm.
Yeah, I bet.
I bet.
Someday, though.
I gotta get to Alex's place, see her.
Uh, you're still in for movie-trilogy night tomorrow, right'? Sure, man.
So Star Wars or Die Hard? I don't know, dude.
Uh You pick, man.
That's more your thing.
Intersect's going to his head, isn't it? Yeah, uh, maybe, I don't-- He certainly doesn't seem like himself lately.
Today on the mission, it's like he had never even heard of Indiana Jones.
And just now with trilogy night Ugh, I don't know, maybe he's just distracted.
Grimes better get his head on straight.
And soon.
- Ah.
- No, don't stop.
It'll just get harder if you stop.
Thought you'd still be in bed.
It's so early.
Come on, I'm used to this.
Us spies without the Intersect have to find time to exercise.
Hey, hey, hey.
So, uh, quick question since you're here, heh.
Did 'gnu ask me to be Morgan's handler because you were trying ta handle me? If you don't think I should be in the field, I just need to know that.
No, I asked you because the job entails bringing out the best in somebody and what better example for Morgan than you? So, no, I'm not handling you.
A, because you don't need a handler anymore”.
,and B, because handlers can't do this.
Okay? Come on.
Let's go.
That's not fair.
That's not fair.
You can't just take off.
Oh, yes, I can.
Hello, Gertrude.
It's Colonel John Casey.
I'd like to have a meal with you.
My treat.
That was good.
That'll work.
Hello? Hello? I'm sorry about that.
So I assume you're here about the job opening.
Let me assure you that I am more than ready.
See, uh I have something I can offer you no one else can.
The Intersect.
Really? I've heard about that.
I wasn't sure it really existed.
Oh, ahem, believe me, it exists.
Well, I was wondering who the real Luke Skywalker was on your team.
It's good to finally know.
I'll bet it is.
One question, though.
Who's Luke Skywalker?