Clueless (1996) s02e02 Episode Script

Salsa, Chlorine & Tears

Bored with her usual diet of trendy hang spots, we wanted to try something new, some place far from home, some place without a single celebrity owner.
This salsa club was raw, untamed And totally undiscovered.
OK? At least that's how it's described in this month's magazine.
Ok, tune for favorite, there seems to be some sort of a cheese product on these nachos, and I specifically asked for tofu.
Translate El Tofu.
But everyone recognizes the other side, You have to dance.
Yeah, HiFi.
Right, put it.
Although it only sells in New York Album of the year, it's called Salsa, no Salsa is something you eat with tortilla chips, preferably the baked kind, which they've also never heard of here.
Were you raised in the valley? I'm trying to listen to the.
We saw these same candles on Melrose for Forty dollars, do you remember? Chef.
I tested.
Excuse me, pardon? She is literally the polar opposite of perfection.
She has everything and she give it to you and that it looks, can be.
Heart on his sleeve, Justine.
Is an ordinary.
I see that, Harry.
Last night was Fabulous on the spot.
Oh, it was just like one of those cool commercials where they don't take American Express.
Oh, tough break about amberjack, though.
If she wasn't In such a hurry to get out of the neighborhood, she wouldn't have sideswiped that Virgin Mary Lawn ornament.
Can we spend just a few more seconds reliving the rapture of that singer? He was beyond Baldwin.
He made the Baldwin look like a trailer Trash clown on Family Feud.
I have not seen it.
But that billboard worthy since.
Would you excuse me? You look, Smithey, Feel free to take a refreshing dip.
It's you left in the middle of our say, Oh, my friend is having a Jaguar crisis With my uncle Jack ran over his lawn ornament last night.
Small world stop.
This is so romantic, you followed Cher here and posed as the Pool boy just to meet her, Who's posing? I am the pool boy.
I'm filling in for a man.
Well, he had this toenail fungus now, and it got to the place To employ you.
I guess I should get back to my scum's.
Do you want to talk tomorrow night? Oh, maybe I'll have to check my appointment calendar.
I've got to go another emergency, Roseanne's hot tub, just not wearing that thong.
Some primal hand beyond all human comprehension has snatched up the most charismatic singer in Echo Park, plopped him down in my backyard and prodded him to ask me on a date.
This was huge.
Gigantic? Carnie Wilson asked.
Maybe I should have said yes, Maybe no, honey, maybe we'll go shopping this weekend.
Maybe Tori Spelling will never win an Emmy.
You should have absolutely said yes to a date with that scum skimming stud muffin.
What if you never see him again? You heard him.
I mean, he cleans my pool.
He has to come back.
It's like contractual or something.
Yeah, well, you better pray Manuel's fungus doesn't clear up any time soon.
You're dating the Pool boy, Not just a pool boy, he's a very talented singer and I haven't technically said yes to him yet.
You saw him, Amber, he was all that and a big bag of Doritos quorum.
So he's a gorgeous, talented singer who skips dead bugs out of your Jacuzzi chair.
You are breaking the servant barrier, as you doubtless would have to tell Mr.
Rico Suave repeatedly on your date.
Don't go there, Amber.
For once, put away your pointy hat and broomstick.
Yeah, you obviously know little about men as you do about waxing.
Ricardo is hot stuff because he's dangerous.
He sings in a club with no cover charge.
Take it from me.
Dangerous guys are so happening.
Just last week, this guy was flirting with me At a stoplight.
Everything on my boy was ripped, his jeans, his ass.
I was like, oh, there must be some mistake, my boy.
I do not flirt With guys at stoplights.
So I drove off and continued on to church by myself.
That's my big.
When you start going to church, that's what all the hottest women are so down with me because I'm a rebel and I'll never be any good a rebel.
Right, right.
Like last week when your grandma said you can have a cookie before dinner bell, you still got back prints on your ass.
But I don't even want to know how, you know, the topography Of Shawn's, but frankly, I'd like to hear how he knows.
Excuse me, but right now we are dealing with Cher's self-destructive cravings to date, not only outside of her economic class, but outside of her school district.
Amber, don't you have some freshmen to humiliate? I can do that from here.
Hey, nice cleavage, bad boy.
See, now, where was I? This thing with Lizcano is so not a big deal.
It's barely even a date.
So what outfit are you barely going to wear? Well, if I go at all, it'll be just some old thing.
The old thing in question just happens to be a flawlessly restored 1950s cocktail dress that probably cost more than Marilyn Monroe's monthly martini budget.
Sorry I'm late.
Drew Carey is pulling me to more disaffected than I thought more than anyone thought He might have.
Yes, that.
Earlier in the day.
The money going.
Let's bring in.
I wanted to write it on a notebook cover big enough for the whole world to see SeƱora Cher, Horowitz, Camacho, Martinez, Deran, De La Hoya, Beren wow, if only to buy XXL Bathtub's to handle that monogram.
Daddy, you weren't spying on me, were you? You bet I was.
I was a baby, In a word, dizzyingly romantic.
Ricardo's truck broke down and I got to pop the clutch.
Oh, he has the fiercest tattoo.
And I ate refried beans made of actual lard.
Can you imagine? Sure.
Sounds great.
Oh yeah.
What do you mean by great? I mean, great.
You think I'm slumming looking for cheap kicks on the wrong side of the tracks, don't you? This is about the certain barrier, isn't it? Why must your generation always trying to destroy what they don't understand we share.
Normally I come up with the narrow minded paranoid accusations and then you throw your hissy fit.
If I.
I think Riccardo's a fine young man, you do good manners, brought you home before midnight and got the algae out of the deep sea.
I'm not going to prove too much, otherwise you'll lose interest.
That is so not true.
I totally value your opinion.
Oh, what about that nice young man, Eugene? Perfect gentleman.
Always complimenting your clothes, your makeup, your shoes.
He wanted to borrow them.
Anyway, as far as you're dating the help, it would be hypocritical of me to object, Daddy, you did the same thing.
No, but thank God your mom did.
When I was in law school, I worked nights as a waiter and her sorority house.
The help she needed was me.
You a waiter? I don't believe it.
Well, I'd love to prove it to you, but this isn't my table.
He was a waiter at first, I thought she was flirting with me because she wanted extras on the tater tots.
Luckily, she had a good metabolism because this is in the days before it became chic to have an eating disorder.
So you were grinding pepper and goat cheese onto a regular and that was it.
Love at first sight? Not exactly.
But we were in the balcony during the last reel of the Blue Lagoon, and when I kissed her for the first time, I knew it was love.
I also discovered that body heat plus a box of Milk Duds can make for a very embarrassing stay.
But I think that.
As I pondered the miracle of mom and daddy getting together a miracle on the same scale as Brooke Shields getting her own TV show, after all those sappy nudie flicks, I wondered if Ricardo and I were destined to follow in my parents footsteps.
Was he the one? Every fiber of my body screams, yes, But my head said yes to.
So why does my heart feel like a pinata full of sweet surprises, but in constant Danger of being broken? I got a job, I got a Girlfriend, I could slap the Mackoff off those lips of yours D I tried to call you last night, I couldn't get through.
My dad must have been looking for periodontal patients on the Internet again.
He says they have a Bleeding gums chat room.
Oh, well, you could have faxed no paper cell phone.
She better check her battery.
Whose side are you on anyway? You know, I love both of you.
You could have walked the two blocks to my house to tell me about your date.
Walked D It was a post date report, not a national emergency.
Where were you? Just wear you like your man rush out of town.
Ouch, that must have been more painful than an Olsen twins concert 30 days.
That is so hot.
What do you say later we take a ride on my hog.
You better be talking about a motorcycle.
Oh, yeah.
Check the date on it that way.
Oh, two weeks overdue, I should go down to the edge, baby.
Hey, wait a minute.
Oh, well, not on the edge exactly, but like real near here, you know, edge adjacent.
Oh, sure.
Why are on this? Huddled masses kick Hugo, the sweaty janitor would like you.
No, no.
If that's your sido bitchy way of asking how my date went.
It was fabulous.
Oh, finally, nice of you to spill it while I still have my original hips.
Sorry to pee in your pool share, but aren't you forgetting about the racial issue here? What are you talking about, Amber? Excuse me, the cross-cultural issue, you know, the invisible lines that separate them from us, the sacred but unspoken laws that keep Beverly Hills safe for our kind.
I mean, how has history taught us? Nothing.
Amber, what history has taught us that this country is great, mostly because people of different backgrounds make it great.
I'm not talking history.
I'm talking TV history.
So what is your cable box like stuck on Nick at night? Truth, my friend, is where you find it.
Ambre Groundbreaking and iconic.
So it was I Love Lucy was a made up TV show.
Oh, my bad.
Well, maybe.
And Ricardo will end up like the real Lucy and Desi.
That's right.
I know that's ridiculous.
Ambers way derivative forecast was I suddenly felt a chill that had nothing to do with my admittedly low back, but still tasteful Norma Kamali dress.
Amber right.
Was my relationship with Ricardo a spicy recipe for heartburn and heartbreak? Hey, I thought you might be thirsty, So I made you some lemonade.
It's my favorite.
It's very healthy to completely natural and unsweetened.
And less filling, Ricardo, I was wondering, hypothetically speaking, you would never want to live in a tacky black and white apartment, would you? And you know that I'd never dye my hair red, right? But did you have some serious planning to do? Why, sure.
Look, I think you're perfect just the way you are.
When I kissed you for the first time, I knew it was love.
As creepy as it was for Daddy's voice to interrupt at a time like this epiphany.
Suddenly, none of the obstacles matter, my friend's opinion, the horrible commute to Ricardo's neighborhood or even the high fat content of his native cuisine.
All that matters is that Ricardo kisses like a hungry poodle, Suddenly, none of the obstacles matter.
My friends opinions, my parents desire for me to marry a nice Catholic girl.
Her dad's pretentious modern art collection.
All that matters.
She kisses like a starving chihuahuan.
That is so harsh.
I mean, you get your mouth ready for a sizzling beef burrito when you end up with cold fish tacos last year for sure, but I'm stronger now.
I learned my lesson.
What would it take to get, you know, kind of a different lesson? Excuse me.
Did you guys order the free range cheeses, barbecued chicken with extra artichokes? Stella, can you break 50? I can't right now, but I could bring it tonight when I pick you up for dinner and the movie interest in.
I'll tell you in a second.
Bad, bad, bad, the Ladies of today go for dangerous men.
No problem, we can do that.
Yeah, I'm so bad I skipped breakfast.
Get out.
That's the most important meal of the day.
I know that you're back.
Look at this.
Property of Beverly Hills, First Financial Savings and Loan.
Actually, I took it by mistake, but I haven't brought it back yet.
Oh, you bet.
But check this out, Sean.
Last night, you sold some windows.
So did your neighbors get all tense? Well, it was my bedroom, know, but boy, was my mom.
Hoppen, I got it.
I'm going to call the psychic hotline and give them a fake birth date.
That's fraud.
That's really bad, right? I forget I said you did not hear that from me.
Hey, can I have my pin back?
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