Clueless (1996) s02e11 Episode Script

Valley of the Malls

Problem, oh, I wasn't going to say anything, but since you mentioned it.
There are no more visible panty line.
Now, how long have I been starkly clingy? Relax, it's behind you now, El Nino.
Oh, my other problem, daddy's birthday is in a week.
And I have come up with something that he would never buy for himself.
Spandex, bicycle shorts.
Oh, no.
A tree in the rainforest.
You give them money, they plant a tree and you can dedicate it to whoever you want.
In my case study.
It's totally P.
So what's the whole gift giving thing? Kind of loses something when the birthday boy's name appears on the credit card you used to buy it with.
Oh, please.
As long as the parent gets the gift before the bill is still a surprise.
I know, but for once I wanted to get something from me So I might have to get.
Don't say it an after school job.
Tell me that's the static guard speaking.
Share a job that is so drastic there must be other options.
I have fully mulled this over.
I am in an option free zone.
You have to help me get an after school job.
Me once.
Damn, somebody's got your static problem.
You know, I spent all last period thinking of witty, clean cracks.
You're not going to believe.
Oh, much like you didn't believe a salesclerk when she begged you not to buy those outfits for Those creeps from Tarzana High Kid, not our team mascot.
We have a team mascot.
We have a team As we speak snappy, the Bronson Alcott fighting tortoises in enemy hands.
But we're going to get them back.
Yes, right.
Oh, you're not going to do anything stupid or immature, are you? Oh, of course not.
Simply going to break in a Tarzan or high, steal their mascot and hold them hostage until they give us back our smart Kidnapping and hostages.
Count me in.
Yes, I have wanted to trash talk high since they named one of the boys shower stalls after me.
Oh, why would They name it? Look, long story.
Ok, you're in.
How about you guys? As much as I'd love to star in a segment of cops.
No thanks.
No, we will be busy tonight.
Typing shares resume A resume for Khoi.
I'm getting an after school job, you know.
Ok, seriously.
Why? I'm getting an after school job.
She is literally the polar opposite of perfection.
She has.
Everything is.
To you and you look and you seem to.
Not just the.
How can I write a Resume when I've never even had a job? Well, much like Amber on prom night, you're going to have to rely heavily on padding.
OK, let me see.
Have you ever done anything job? No, hold it.
I did fill in for Daddy's secretary once when she had mono.
Ok, that's a start.
Plus, you're a licensed driver, so bingo.
Licensed paralegal.
Very impressive.
Keep going.
You know, I deal with all the stuff around the house, too.
Has managed massive estate and supervised bilingual staff.
You're awesome.
Which jobs look interesting? What's a telephone fantasy artist? Skip that one.
Oh, look, I love to dance and convenient airport location share.
I'm kidding.
The airport is so not convenient.
OK, let's Forget about the want ads.
I know you could work in a hip little boutique with your passion for fashion.
I only want to know that the clothes on the hangers, I do not want to know how they got there.
Good point.
And more importantly than what you do is where you do it because you don't want to run into anyone, you know.
All right.
They assume the worst that daddy has suddenly become a totally and prominent attorney.
Well, that eliminates every establishment in our shopping slash dining slash dating vector, which means share.
Brace yourself.
Consider me breast.
For what, the Valley Valley.
Come on and tell us where you got this truck, Rule number one, no questions.
Rule number two, no real names for tonight.
I'm Tanya.
The two of you are Lenny and Squiggy.
I call Lenny.
No way I'm going to be Squiggy, although he was the funnier of the two.
Yeah, but Lenny went on to a more lucrative career.
Didn't you see him in Spinal Tap? Oh, yeah.
You know that she plays the nanny was in that.
So karate.
Zip it.
One more word out of you two.
And I am not taking you for ice cream after the kidnapping.
I can't believe I came to the valley for a career this.
What's the most stylish thing in the mall, So why don't you buy it Because it's so cute But is here? Do you want to try a cheese log with a chewy sausage center? Do you what's happening to us? It's the valley that's escaped before we get really bad perm and stop at a garage sale Leaf that she's like, I don't want to stinking up my car.
Ok, just a slice.
Aren't you curious? You're scaring me.
Let's get out of here before it's too late.
Ok, but don't knock it till you try it, OK? I just want to take one little cold it.
It is never too late for That, and it looks like he needs help.
Oh, how do I look? Like a girl who's about to join the workforce.
Go get him.
Small world, this is the same kind of life that daddy has on his wall safe.
We get the combination.
Let's just say a certain Tarzana guy was blinded by my charms.
OK, plus a hundred bucks.
Are you ready with the pillowcase elkies to put money in, He's not going to fit in a pillowcase.
Oh, please.
How far is this rabbit? What he was.
But he's a rabbit.
Oh oh oh.
Why would a licensed paralegal want to work in a record store? Well, because the only lifesize cardboard cutout we had at the law office was of Alan Dershowitz.
Ok, that's fair.
So how much do you know about music? I know.
I hate Mariah Carey.
That's good.
Well, I guess you're ready for your word association.
Sugar Ray, only the best ska punk hip hop band around Oasis And dysfunctional derivative delightful Handson Not.
You may want to kidnap a Bengal tiger.
Well, I will tell you what kind of stupid idiots, you know, I was up for a night of, like, criminal mischief, a little breaking, little entering, little rabbit snatching, no big one.
Next thing you know, I am being spit at by an endangered species.
You two are going to pay off Tanya.
Sir, we just passed the ice cream place.
It was.
Shut up, You two bunny Ears so hard.
Can you start tomorrow? Absolutely.
Thank you.
No problem.
Actually, I've got to close down and a little bit.
So you need a ride or will your boyfriend be picking you up? Actually, I came with my girlfriend.
Speaking of which, does your girlfriend work In the mall work? No, she wouldn't be caught dead working and actually still my girlfriend anymore.
Oh, what happened? I was doomed from the start.
She was a rich snob, manipulative, selfish.
You know, the type.
Oh, yeah.
People from Beverly Hills that creep me out.
So where do you live? Sure.
I live, you know, like right here in the valley.
OK, so I told a little white lie and said that I lived in the Valley.
It's not like I did it just to impress some incredibly gorgeous, charming available record store guy.
There was more at stake.
I needed a job to buy Daddy that fabulous whatever it was, I hope Dionne remembers.
Got that Brian's cue.
OK, so if you're going to pass the Valley Girl, we have to change your look.
So I've taken the liberty of assembling several different style free fashion options.
OK, choice number one, hippie witch origin Janis Joplin meets Cinderella blame.
Stevie Nicks went out in seventy eight, but that makes it cutting edge and valley time upside.
You don't have to shave your legs or armpits, so not me.
OK, no problem.
We have choice number two, grunge.
You know how that goes.
Lots of flannel stained corduroys, old, worn out Doc Martens.
It's called dressing like a boy.
I never got that one.
Blame and origin.
Seattle, Sombat.
I just want to look like a normal girl from the valley.
Oh, OK.
Oh, I feel tacky and my butt looks huge, Then I did it right.
Hey, buddy, it's lunch time.
Good news, we brought you to the King Hotel.
I'll take this chocolate pudding.
A better idea because you came here.
We reached in here a cafeteria food.
No wonder, OK? It has been over twenty four hours and those Tarzana twits have ignored our ransom note.
So big yawn.
I am bored with this whole caper.
You guys are on your own.
I am, Audy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast, Tanya.
Look, we started this together.
We're going to finish it together.
I don't think so.
Let her go.
Let's see what the Tarzana police find when they examine the scene of the crime.
I covered my tracks.
Oh, really? Well, I think there's something you might have left behind.
Like what? Like your avian boss does.
Lots of people drink Avon in Tarzana.
All right.
All right.
All right.
What do you guys want from me? Well, I think our lord stripey friend needs his litter box scooped.
You hope that he beats.
Oh, Smashmouth, I am so addicted to like what kids remarks.
I see your boyfriend.
How's it going? The customers seem scared of me to get my look.
I think you look adorable.
I mean, I actually miss the machines.
You're sweet.
I look listen, I've never done this before.
I mean, with an employee.
But any chance you'd like to go out with me on Saturday night, Saturday? Oh, I know it's weird.
I mean, us working together and everything like that.
But my friend has this awesome band and you love it.
Trust me.
What do you Say? Gnarly.
Is that a yes for sure.
OK, now where shall I pick you up.
So he has to pick you up in the valley.
How long do you think this relationship is going to last? I don't know.
I'm hoping for a while.
Ok, so we rent your house in the Valley month to month.
So how many bedrooms do you think you'll need? Three.
A pool pet's a barbecue.
I can't be a valet poser anymore.
Look, I've already had to buy the local high school book covers The infamous Tarzan of Tiger.
I hear he's old and beautiful d Really like Brian.
My only option is to tell him the truth.
I can't mislead him any longer.
Please share.
I've misled Murray six times today and it's not even lunch.
Let's keep thinking Now.
I don't know how many kidnappings you've been involved in, but this is not the way it works.
Forget the ransom money.
Forget the turtle.
Just pick up your stupid moth eaten old tiger.
Stop laughing.
Hello, come on, everyone has some for ransom money, it is the custom.
Oh, but apparently the school has told the student body that Bunny here died of old age for budgetary reasons.
They're replacing him with a student in a tiger suit.
Oh, I hate these, Valide.
They're idiots, and we're stuck here with the technically dead, very unemployed and incredibly flatulent tiger, and they're serious is great news.
Snappy wasn't kidnapped at all.
He was just being a tortoise in hyphenating the great Bunny fresh meat, Not snapping that turtle.
I wasn't talking about the turtle.
There now everybody will know you're special.
Oh, they're not.
Oh, no, you're slightly damaged.
Very funny.
We'll have, you know, these lips were just fine.
Before we make out in the stock room, there's something I have to tell you, see, I'm not really oh, a customer.
I could do your job right.
I'll tell you later.
May I help you out here? What are you doing here? This is the only place in town where you can find an ambient jungle city to put a damn tiger to sleep.
What is your excuse? I'm working here to raise money for my dad's reenforced birthday.
And I met my boss, who was really cool guy, and I was about to start misleading him when you came along.
So I'm begging you to not expose me.
What the hell is a rainforest birthday tree? Look, what I just said is really important.
And I said in one breath, which is really hard.
So play along.
Tanya Bellini, play along, Bryant.
Sure, this is my ex.
I was telling you about You're the reason he hates everyone from Beverly Hills.
God, that makes so much sense.
You guys know each other, Duh, she's been living in my shadow and envying my sense of style ever since Rodeo Drive preschool.
You're from Beverly Hills, too? Yeah, I hate people from Beverly Hills.
Excuse us.
Well, this explains the acid wash change the first year in the grody to the max.
So what are you trying to act like? One of those dweebs from the valley.
Brian, I am so sorry.
I was going to tell you the truth today.
All right.
One thing that is realized how much I like you.
I still really want to go on the date.
All right.
And tell you what.
Then why don't you write down your real address so I can mail you your paycheck for the two days you worked here? Worked.
You are so fired.
While you're still on the clock, can I use your employee discount? Ok, what should we sample next, a pork chop or a beef with No nitrous oxide? One more for me.
Look, don't be sad.
OK? Your adventure in the Valley just opened up the whole eight one eight area code for dating exploration.
Yeah, but Brian's gone forever.
So what we found out the valley is full of tasty treats.
If I hadn't been such a lying, judgmental snob, we would be together right now.
As if you want Ambroise leftovers, please.
Oh, it's enough to make me lose my appetite.
Almost one thing's for sure.
From now on, I'm just going to be me somewhere.
There's got to be a guy who can appreciate a rich, semi beautiful blonde from Beverly Hills.
Maybe someday I'll find him.
I want a moist towelette.
Oh, no.
I just realized I didn't make enough money to buy Daddy his rainforest birthday tree.
Oh, no.
What am I going to do? Well.
You Rupak, I'll get the wrapping paper from both.
He won't miss one more before.
I got us off the hook, the Wildlife Way station has agreed to adopt the world's stinkiest tiger.
That's great.
He gets to retire with his own kind.
It'll be like Leisure World for man eating beast.
So you guys are OK with the whole wildlife way station thing ever.
We're more than OK with it.
Yeah, I mean, we support it completely.
Because in exchange for his room and board, the two of you will be spending eight hours a week on duty.
Excuse me.
Oh, don't worry.
They supply the snow shovels and the hip waders.
Oh, I see.
Squid reminds me, you never did take us to get ice cream.
Murray, keep your eye on the big picture we're scooping up due to.
That's not good at all.

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