Clueless (1996) s02e12 Episode Script

A Very P.C. Holiday

The freak blizzard blanketing the Southland spared Beverly Hills, though the temperature did plunge to a blistering seventy five, making the holiday spirit infectious.
Traditionally, I am presented with a giganto dilemma what to buy for the daddy who has everything.
Well, problem solved.
Amazingly, it does not involve shopping.
Happy Hanukkah, Daddy.
Already I know it's early, but this gift has an expiration date, Admit one to the Bronson Alcott multidenominational holiday pageant Next Tuesday night.
I'm performing My Little Girl as I love this.
You never perform anymore.
I'll die.
That's because the holiday pageants traditionally a gathering of knuckle draggers.
But this year at dawn, I had the El Nino of rainstorms.
Since we're sharing the Toys for Tots drive, we realized that if we perform in the pageant, then we would generate a standing room only crowd and guarantee a monster toy hall for the tops.
Your performing is the best gift ever.
She shoots, she scores A hold it next week.
I'm in New York closing the deal.
Really? Well, maybe some parent with fewer obligations can videotape me.
In the spotlight, one show only singing The dreidel song.
Sure, why not? Fraid so.
Sure you haven't so traded to me since she was little.
Are you going to do the spin? It's dreidel, but I guess you'll just have to mess it.
OK, guilt trip.
Let's see if you are smaller.
I'll send an associate.
And never hear the end of it.
At least I get to hear my little girl sing the trails.
Stella SACEUR, now all I have to do is convince the pageant director to let me sing Dreidel.
See if Isaac Mizrahi has a Hanukkah line.
Oh, and learn how to spin without hurling.
Literally, the Polaroid of perfection.
Everything is.
To you and said he looks can you see? Not just for my.
Is an ordinary.
Holiday pressures are so overwhelming, the giving, the unwrapping, the returning plus now I have to convince Mrs.
De Michael.
The world needs to hear me sing Dreidel, which will have to wait since there's already a line of lost souls seeking gift guidance at my locker.
Right, I promised you I wouldn't help you with her gift, I'm quoting now, If he loves me, he knows where to get my share.
You don't have to say a word.
Just cough.
If I'm getting close to what? Testing cholesterol kit, hey, she wants to be a doctor.
It comes with its own personalized tote bag.
I hope they haven't started the monogram.
Sure, we have Toys for Tots fires to hand out.
I totally spaced.
I've been trying to remember the verses of Dreidel and it scrambled my mind dreidel the kitty folk tune.
Yeah, I accidentally promised Daddy I'd sing it in the pageant.
You didn't.
I did.
That's awful.
I know.
And so now to get my sister Michael to change the program, I have baked her a bribe.
OK, bought.
Well, you should have bought that for Sean because Mr.
Michael has stepped aside and Sean is in charge of the pageant.
Yes, it's dreidel time.
I knew it was over for me when the Trekkies declared themselves a religion and demanded to do a number in the pageant.
So here's the music.
The Eastern religions, Western religions, new age religions, old age religions, covenants, cults and sects.
It's your job to work them all in.
Wow, this is more confusing.
Tell me about it.
Used to be your play.
Holly Jolly Christmas, Feliz Navidad.
Light the menorah.
You're in, you're out.
Nobody gets hurt.
Time for cookies and a big flask punch.
You sure can handle this.
I have my doubts.
But you're young, you're strong, you're naive.
You'll be fine.
And I'll be there to accompany on the piano.
See what? The auditions.
Thank you.
So I hear we're in charge of the pageant.
I see lasers.
I see smoke machines.
OK, I see holograms of the baby Jesus being delivered by George Clooney himself is going to need a bomb.
We can blow something up.
Oh, Murray, maybe Murray.
When Mrs.
DeMarco asked me to take over her directing job, she didn't mention you.
Yeah, but people naturally assume they ask you.
They ask me.
Murray, while I love being closely associated with you, the choir's mine.
But I thought we were a team, Sean.
So we're million vanille.
You're not taking me down.
I just heard the great news this is for you Should suck up to that fascist.
Good luck.
This is the Michael o typo.
The point is, I just wanted you to know that I honor you and your new position.
I am volunteering to be in the pageant for the first time ever.
I'm even willing to sing a solo.
I'm thinking dreidel.
Sure, you have to audition just like everyone else.
Of course I knew that.
Hi, Sean.
I was just cleaning out my locker and I came upon this fabulous Armani suede jacket and it just screams Sean.
Yeah, I Bet it screamed, Please get me away from the schizophrenic elf wench.
Ho, ho, Ho, ho.
No, you have to audition for the pageant like everybody else For your multikulti tart fest, as if I would have be caught dead in cooties on parade.
No matter how much you plead, I Just can't do it.
Ok, I understand.
You're embarrassing yourself.
Now, the pageant will go on without me and my vast and intimidating talents.
Like I said, no problem.
Oh, all right.
Good posture, everyone.
We'll start off with some choral singing and see what we've got, John.
Do solo artists have to sing in the group as well? Has he given up? So this is an audition.
I'd like to hear the whole group sing first.
Wow, I didn't know Sean to do that conductor hand thing.
He's faking it.
Oh, that's nasty.
OK, why don't we all start again from the top and when I point to you stop singing so we can fix it, I mean, isolate our little problem separating us.
That's how all dictators start.
Well, above all, m'appelle.
What share you got, the voice I was looking for, so I got the solo.
No, but the good news is you don't have to sing with the group either.
He is mad with power.
Her voice did suck.
Well, it did OK, people cheer for far, and we're right back to you.
Was I really that bad? No, you were fine.
Sean is just so drunk with power that he has no ability to notice talent.
He would kick Randy out on her butt.
More embarrassing.
And Farrah on Letterman show.
Listen, you're out of the choir.
You just say the word.
And I'm Audie to.
No, no.
We did this for the tots.
We'll think of something else to get daddy.
Well, if it means anything.
I thought you were great.
Not much, but thanks.
And go sing your little heart out.
I'll be fine.
News of my alleged tonal impairment spread faster than the mystery in high Bergers Jacuzzi party, but it's no time for self-pity.
I still have to break Daddy's heart and buy him an actual gift.
I wonder where Murray saw that home testing cholesterol kit.
Citibank shopper page 14 Ember.
Is this a nightmare? Are you really in my room? This bedroom is a nightmare.
So let's just say a little bit of both.
How did you get in here? Well, discuss my friends at West Tech later.
Moving on.
I got dropkicks from the Saliva's Showcase.
So you came all the way over here just to mock me? Oh, please.
Now, I could have done that over the phone or the Internet or the wall.
The boys locker room.
No, I came here to offer my condolences and solution.
I feel your pain.
I, too, march to a unique and unappreciated drummer just because those lemmings in the choir demand mediocrity.
That is no reason that a unique talent like yours should be silenced.
You think I'm a unique talent? Absolutely.
And thanks to Cybill Shepherd, you are going to get to share that with the entire school.
Sybil was also a unique talent who got kicked out of the choir, but she sued the school so that she could sing in the pageant.
Really? Yes.
So thanks to the tone deaf and litigious Miss Shepherd, there is a legally sanctioned solo spot waiting for you.
Oh, that's great.
With me backing you up.
Well, will you back me up? Why don't you just sing your own solo? I'm saving that for Broadway.
But you you need accompaniment.
You play the piano.
Oh, even better.
Three to one needs work.
Hang in there.
Oh, that's the whole Yoko Ono thing.
It's over.
Oh, well, thank you for joining us.
Candy, many states left all out Mariachi's for half an hour late.
We had football practice.
Good answer.
Oh, flying solo can be a little bumpy, so We have a really big problem.
What I am not comfortable playing the little drummer boy.
I want to be a foxy little drummer girl.
Love, Sheila, Sheila E.
Yeah, Solid Rock the Buddhist.
All right, everybody, take five.
Let me figure out this mess, Shawn.
I'm waiting in the Fujisawa Divas.
I heard that.
Any time you want me to end this holy war, just say the word word.
I need you, buddy, or you're going to have to do a little bit better than that, OK? I was a fool to think I could do this alone.
From now on, when someone asks me to do something, I will naturally assume they're asking for you to spring for a deep dish pizza later.
You've got a deal sprung.
You shot.
This seems like the perfect time to go over the legally mandated solos.
The what? One of the many reasons you now have this game.
OK, Pagan's Douai Winter Solstice.
Then we have the Ramadan ceremony followed by Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel by Cher Horowitz, accompanied by Morin's.
Cher is singing.
No, she can't do that.
She'll make an absolute fool out of herself.
Somebody has to stop her.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Oh, very.
I have.
You know, I mean, I when it's dry and radio dreidel, I shall play.
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay when it's dry and ready to play.
Oh, I was WesTrac up for grabs.
I mean, anyone could just walk into my house.
Before you sing in that pageant, it is imperative that you listen to Exhibit A is dry and ready.
Why am I listening to this heinous bleep? Because it's you.
I recorded it just now.
No way.
So way, Cher.
That is what people hear when you sing.
Obviously, the tape is worked.
Know your voice is worked, OK? Exhibit B, Horowitz home video circa nineteen eighty six.
I get it at.
That voice.
Why didn't anybody tell me I know I should have told you right after the auditions and about a billion times before that, but like when OK, do you remember that time we were driving out to the outlets? Bohemian Rhapsody came on the radio and you almost right into the guardrail? Yes, it was because of that little high note you hit during the Gallileo part.
You said it was because your underpants were digging in.
Well, I just said that to be kind, Cher.
Listen, friends don't let friends who can't sing sing.
Thanks, Dee.
Oh, and thanks for the gift of honesty, I'm sure was almost as hard to give as it was to receive, but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
But I do feel ten pounds lighter.
Honesty pact agreed my turn, OK.
Know those hiking boots you love, they make you walk like a truck driver.
Oh, good deal better.
Oh, that does feel better.
Oh, my sparkling eye shadow.
You sure don't push it noted.
Deep breath, I must tell daddy the bad news, but I'm not going to be in the pageant.
Oh, no, we found a place for you in the pageant.
Mel is going to be so happy.
Get dressed.
Wait snag.
When Amber finds out we're not doing our act, she'll be crushed.
Oh, let me break the news to her.
Oh, they can't stop me.
My daughter's in the pageant.
Why else would you have come here starting? Thank you.
I hadn't noticed.
Our candy.
For this time of year, The world is revolving with cheer, The joy of giving you an.
My daddy Was.
Aspen, with my dad's fourth wife and her kids from her second marriage, I'm playing a teenage escort in the movie of the week, Cedars Sinai, for I Knew.
They told me, ba ba ba ba ba ba.
A newborn king.
See, Pop.
The light, the menorah, let's have a party with all, then come around the table, will give you a treat.
They should have let my daughter in jail.
That was dreck.
That was my daughter.
Accepting that the belief we share peace and love is the common phrase peace.
My best friend told me that the message is love, and I heard it loud and clear from the angel of Bull.
So in the spirit of our multicultural nation, we want to wish all of you a happy whatever and sidebar in case anyone stuck for a last minute gift, might I suggest the most perfect gift of all honesty.
One size fits all has a slimming effect on everybody, and it's perfectly OK to return it.
Sure, while perfect in every way, Is deceptively heavy.
God, get off me, your wings are shutting.
I'm allergic.
I'll ever lighten up.
Come on.
I bet I can find some holiday spirit In there somewhere.
Oh, Sean, that was the best pageant ever, honestly.
Oh, right.
We're doing that nasty thing this year.
Well, it was your best pageant ever.
Happy holidays, baby.
I hope you like it.
What the heck is this gift of life? That's how they advertise it on cable.
Is this what you think of me? Back burners, follicle stimulators.
Oh, there better be a backup and it better be huge.
Huge, I.
Look at this with thousands of children who would have gone without are going to wake up to a wonderful surprise on Christmas morning.
And it's all because of you.
This is just a microchip compared to the monster toy hall next year.
You are wonderful.
Can I be honest with you? Yeah.
They should have let you sing Gradle Daddy, let it go.
So after all those flyers, not one gift for me.
Oh, maybe there's something good about Toys for Tots fan.
Excuse me.

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