Cold Feet (1997) s08e01 Episode Script
Series 8, Episode 1
1 I do.
Sorry? You asked me if I wanted fresh towels.
I do, yeah.
Oh, we do.
Thanks.
- Would you get a move on? - All right! Spring is here The sky is blue Have you seen Mum? Well, weren't planning to.
- Not before the service.
- I can't find my cuff-links.
Are these them? Didn't look very hard, did you? We're going Going to the chapel And we're gonna get married How do I look? Oh, Jen, you look beautiful.
All eyes are gonna be on you.
I don't want to upstage the bride much.
Well, then, don't stand at the front.
Oh, wowzer! You look amazing! The bells will ring The sun will shine The car's here.
All right, good.
- Are you nervous? - A little.
Well, quite a lot, actually.
I just don't want to let her down.
You won't, Dad.
And we'll never be lonely any more Because we're Going to the chapel And we're gonna get married We're going to the chapel And we're gonna get married Gee, I really love you And we're gonna get married We're going to the chapel of love Here you go.
Oh, thank you for give me away.
- It's my pleasure, Ramona.
- Mm.
Come on.
Hey! Congratulations, Ramona.
I like your husband - very dashing.
Mm.
He's a count.
- Oh - Well Well, why did you marry him, then? - Hm? - Cos she wants to be a countess.
Ah I no care he's a count.
I care that he's nice to me.
And good-looking.
Good for you.
I had to settle for "nice to me".
- Which is more than I got.
- Hey! - Hey, er, Ramona - Mm-hm? Who's the, er, woman in the orange? Aha.
Alejandro's niece, Isabella.
I think she likes me.
You speak Spanish? Cos she have no English.
No, we're speaking the universal language.
Oh, Esperanto? Sexual attraction.
Oh! Bon dias.
Hola! So, how are you finding university? Oh, I am loving it.
- I meant Adam.
- Hey? Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's loving it, too.
My lecturer, oh, he's so inspiring.
- He's like that - Sorry.
.
.
Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society.
You're doing really well, aren't you, son? - I'm doing all right.
- Yeah.
So's Josh.
Of course, I wouldn't expect anything else.
Well, we did, to be honest.
Yeah, but he didn't go to one of them posh schools like Josh, did he? No, no.
We definitely gave him the best start.
That was your ex-wife on the phone.
Robin is handling Nikki's divorce from George.
- Oh, he's got a bob or two! - Not two any more.
- My settlement's just come through.
- Oh! So, that's two men I know who've suffered at her hands.
Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Here's to your sudden wealth.
How does it feel? Well, it's a relief, cos we've had to live on a budget the past few months.
I still do.
My circumstances haven't changed.
You better raise your game if you wanna keep up with that one.
Hey, Alejandro bring me here on our first date.
So, er, three months ago? Look, when you know is right, it's no matter.
- You know.
- Yeah.
- It's a shame you no bring Gavin.
- Gareth.
- Oh! - We split up months ago, Ramona.
I sent you a long e-mail.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I've been busy.
- Mm.
- So, we find you someone new.
- Not interested.
- Hm, you don't want to grow old alone.
Well, I'm doing all right so far, thanks.
- Oh, Karen, you will find someone.
- I don't need to.
And perhaps, hm he's here, hm? Ah! - Yo.
- Hey.
- So, what do you think of Alejandro? - I just hope he makes Ramona happy.
Don't see why he wouldn't.
He's charming, he's good-looking, he's rich.
Mm Not sure I trust him.
Maybe that says more about you than him.
- Probably.
Shouldn't you be talking to that Isabella? I thought you two were speaking "the universal language".
Something got lost in translation.
Oh, you're from Valencia! No, never been there.
I went to Madrid once to see United play.
They've got loads of Spanish players.
Er, De Gea, Mata Herrera.
They've even got one called Valencia.
But he's from Ecuador.
El es mi amigo.
Disculpa.
What? 'We didn't share the same interests.
'You know, football, me.
' Oh I'd like to say a couple of words.
Josh - Will you act as my interpreter? - Me? Yeah, well, you're studying Spanish.
Could I have some attention, please? Silencio! Thank you, Josh.
Erm, now, Ramona was for many years our children's nanny.
- Ninera! - Ninera.
Ninera And it was a great honour to be asked to stand in for her father.
- Dad, I can't do this.
- It's perfectly simple.
No, I hate public speaking.
Well, I'm doing that.
You just have to translate.
It was a great honour I always remember when David! I hadn't quite finished.
Look, they knew what you wanted to say.
Senora No se pense resistir Right, there you go.
- Wow.
- Who-o-oa! - What do you think, eh? - Oh, Pete! Oi! Where are you two going? We're going for a spin in Alejandro's car.
- Ramona's lent me the keys.
- Oh, nice.
Can I come? Erm Yeah, it's a two-seater.
Anyway, I thought you were hitting on all the senoritas.
Yeah, just a couple.
Not much luck.
I think it's my accent.
Oh, come on, don't leave me on my own.
Come on, I can squeeze in the back.
- Hm - Yeah.
I mean, we could do.
But then again you and me, the open road find ourselves a cosy little country lane.
Just saying.
Right! See you later, navigator.
Er Oh, come on! Don't be so hard on yourself.
Simultaneous translation's really difficult.
- Here you go, Mum.
- Aw, thanks.
Thanks, darling.
There's something I need to tell you, but I'm worried you're gonna take it badly.
Oh, God Well, come on, then.
You've never shocked me before.
What have you got? I've dropped out of uni.
Well, it happens.
Oh, Mum! Oh, come on! It's not the end of the world, sweetheart.
And when we leave here, you just come home with me and the girls.
And what about Dad? Probably best we don't say anything to him yet.
Not till we know what you're gonna do.
Now, look, are we going to sit here and mope or am I going to put you to shame on the dance floor? Come on! Oh, baby, when you talk like that You make a woman go mad So be wise and keep on Reading the signs of my body - Hi! - I thought you'd be longer.
Well, we would've been.
Yeah, except we got stopped by the police.
- Speeding? - Hmm Maybe parked up in a lay-by.
Yeah, they gave us a hell of a start.
Yeah, I felt that! - Are you having a good time? - Oh, yeah, brilliant.
I can't even get drunk.
No free hands.
Did you ever think life might be passing you by? - Hey? - No.
Slow dance, come on.
Come on.
- Come on, love.
- Aw We can't leave him on his own again.
No, look at him.
He's got his hands full with all his new friends.
Very good.
You said you wanted to be a hit with the senoritas.
Well, look at you now! When I'm lyin' in my bed at night I don't wanna grow up - Dad? - I'm in the bathroom.
Hey, that wasn't an invitation to join me.
I'm in a hurry.
Well, what do you do that for? Oh, no, it's, erm plant food for hair.
You know, it gives it extra body.
- Does it get rid of the grey as well? - Oh, get out of it.
- What do you want? - Wax.
- Oh, so you can use product, but I can't? - Mm-hm.
- Who's your date? - Need-to-know basis.
- Dad, can I have 20 quid? - Jeez Call it an advance on your inheritance.
Ta.
Don't leave it on too long.
You don't want to give it too much body! Oh, shite! Stay with me, Barbara.
The ambulance is on its way.
Keep it down, will ya? I'm trying to finish an assignment.
By rights, I should be singing, but you objected to that, too.
Well, you were flat.
Why are you doing it anyway? He has to practise.
He might have to do it one day.
Well, shouldn't it be second nature by now? Well, yeah, but I've never done it for real, and I'm worried that when I have to, I'll just freeze.
Oh, I know what you mean.
It's like whenever I'm on a plane, the emergency drill, I never take it in.
When were you last on a plane? Well, you can never get too much practice, Barb.
- Oooh - Do it in the other room, will you? Grumpy, eh? - Quietly! - Oh, all right.
We'll go the other room.
Are you going to give me mouth-to-mouth as well? Have you got your dentures in? Oh! You better hope so! Hey It's my favourite customer.
Very good.
Adam, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Never forget a handsome face.
Oh, I'm the same.
Gemma.
- Gemma - The usual? Er, to have here, yeah.
I'll bring it over.
Thanks.
David! I wasn't expecting you.
Hi.
- I hoped you might be free for coffee.
- No, I'm not.
Oh, well.
This won't take long.
'You want to take money out of the company?' Er, as a dividend, yes.
No, I'm not sure now's the right time, David.
I've just given a sizeable advance to a first-time author from Hull.
Did you have to? I mean, Hull? - Are you short of money, David? - No! No.
No.
I mean, I have overheads, obviously, like you do.
The girls' school fees, university tuition for Josh - Mm Er, I might need to talk to you about that.
- Mum? Josh? - Ah - Dad.
I thought you'd be at university.
Josh is just spending a few days at home to consider his future.
Oh, you don't graduate for another year.
What's to consider? W-Well, that's the thing.
Erm I'm not going to graduate.
Of course you are.
Nowadays, you only have to turn up to the exams, - they give you a 2:1.
- No I've dropped out.
He hasn't dropped out formally.
He's just stopped going.
- Why? - I'm not happy, Dad.
Happy? Who cares about happy? You go to university to get a degree.
I'm no good at Spanish.
You saw that for yourself.
And I hate business studies.
I only did it to please you.
So dropping out's gonna make me proud? - David, he hasn't dropped out! - Pete's Adam is doing very well.
Straight A's.
And he went to a comprehensive.
- So, how many lectureshave you missed? - Three.
- Ah - Months.
Months?! Josh, you told me a few weeks! That is a few weeks.
So, all this time I've been paying and you haven't even been there? I knew it would be about the money.
David, money's not the most important thing.
- It's important to me.
- I'll pay you back.
How, without an education? See, I told you there was no point in talking to him! - Josh - Josh, don't walk away from me! David, let me handle this! I want you back at university by the weekend! Sort this out, Karen.
She's all right.
What? We all do it.
Online dating? - I'm sure you don't need to.
- Why, thank you! I could say the same.
Oh, no, at my age, it's it's hard to meet new people.
You can't be more than, what 40 two? - Close enough.
- You must get lots of matches.
- Mm.
- I've seen what's out there.
Oh! She gives with one hand, takes with the other.
I'm serious.
If I was in the market for a 42-year-old with come-to-bed eyes, I'd swipe right.
Well, you know, if, erm, you are you know where to find me.
- Don't let your coffee go cold.
- OK.
I was a disappointment to my father.
You don't talk about him much.
No.
I hated the man.
God, he'd be spinning in his grave if he could see me now.
Thank you, David.
Oh, I don't mean you, darling.
I mean, living beyond my means and earning on commission.
There's no shame to working in insurance.
That's what I tell people I do.
We both know it's basically a call centre.
Yeah, true, if they hadn't been driving a Maserati, the repair bill wouldn't have been so high.
But then, if you hadn't driven into them, there wouldn't be a repair bill at all.
Yeah, and a very good afternoon to you, ma Another satisfied customer? It's difficult to tell.
She put the phone down on me.
Is Donna all right? Well, she's pregnant and on her own, so Val, who's answering your phone?! I'm telling people their bonuses.
Ah Well, that explains the air of incipient despondency.
"Incipient despondency"? You crack me up, David! Thanks.
So, bonus So, what am I getting? Nothing.
I wanted to tell you in person.
Now, crack on.
'If you hate it so much, find something else.
' How? We're barely allowed a toilet break.
I can't see them giving me time off for an interview.
- Well, then, quit.
- I can't afford to! Well No, but I can.
I can give you money till you're back on your feet.
What, live off charity? God, Dad would love that.
- I thought he was dead.
- He is.
Technically.
How do I look? Older.
- Unlike you.
- Is that my jacket? - Do you mind? - No.
God, I'm delighted you think I'm stylish.
Well, you work for a fashion website.
- You'd hope something rubbed off.
- In IT.
I don't tell people that bit.
I'll see you later.
Hey, wait, whoa, whoa! You said you were in tonight.
Yeah, the plans have changed.
Oh, I thought we'd watch Netflix and chill.
- You can do that on your own.
- That's not as much fun, though, eh? - See ya.
- Oh, right, yeah.
Your new girlfriend.
When am I going to meet her? - Here, invite her over for dinner.
- Dad Am I that embarrassing? OK, sure.
- I've gotta go.
- All right, have fun.
Do you think these boys look bigger? - Bigger than what? - Than they used to.
Hm, maybe a little lower.
- Do you think it's a menopause thing? - What, bigger boobs? Why don't you google it? I don't want that on my search history.
- It's already on mine.
- I'm sure it is.
And why would you think that anyway? - You what? - A sign of the menopause.
I don't know.
It could be.
- I feel really hot when I'm in bed.
- No, that's just this duvet.
Too many togs.
Plus my period's late.
Well, I did wonder, but I didn't want to say anything.
Hm.
That's a first.
- Maybe you're pregnant.
- Hm! Don't be daft.
No! Wait Wait, Jen.
Jen, yes, that's it.
Your period's late.
You're never late.
- We can set the calendar by you.
- Pete, I'm 50.
No, it could happen to women at your age.
It's not inconceivable.
See what I did there? I'm not pregnant.
Ah, we had great sex at Ramona's wedding.
- Unprotected! - It'll be the menopause.
Your boobs swelled up when you were pregnant with Chloe.
To be fair, all of me swelled up.
Look, trust me! You are up the duff.
I know these things.
When you were expecting Adam, I knew before you did, didn't I? - Yeah, that's true.
- Yeah.
- Go to sleep.
See, I'm not surprised.
- Since we renewed our wedding vows, we've been getting on so well.
- Mm.
This is the cherry on the icing on the cake.
Yes! It's good to get out.
Yeah, well, you're a free agent.
You've got no excuse.
Yeah.
- Well, I've got some news.
- What's happened to your hair? I left the dye on too long.
It's Matt's fault.
- Probably best not to say anything.
- Is it noticeable? No, no, no.
At least not until it's confirmed.
Are you listening to me? Well, it must be, otherwise you wouldn't have said anything.
Jenny's pregnant.
Right, you got our attention.
What's your news? - No, that's it.
Jenny's pregnant.
- Oh, bollocks! She's too old, surely.
Well, she's not been through the change.
Yeah, you don't look at her and think "fecund".
Well, if that means what I think it means, I'll have you know I find her very fecund.
- Are you sure? - Well, you know, sometimes.
- Once a month.
- No, that she's pregnant.
Well, not 100%.
But all the signs are there.
- What, like a positive pregnancy test? - Hm.
I don't need to do a test.
You know your own body, don't you? Yeah, you do.
Mind you, I did think, if it'd shut Pete up and I happened to be in the chemist's anyway.
'Got to admit, I felt slightly embarrassed 'shopping for a pregnancy test at 50.
' It feels a little bit like buying your condoms when you're 15.
Did you? 15? Yeah, had to.
Pete was always too shy.
Bless.
Anyhow 'I found one.
'But then I saw this mum of one of Chloe's friends.
'I panicked.
' Hi, Jen.
Hi! It's not that she might think I'm pregnant, she might think Chloe is! - Well, suppose you are? - Oh, God, I'm not.
Would you go through with it? Ohh Would you? God, no.
No, value my sleep too much.
- Hm - And I'd have to give up work.
Wouldn't have the time.
Or the mental capacity, frankly.
I'd have to give up my course.
I mean, I couldn't do that.
But, I mean, an abortion.
I mean, I couldn't do that either.
Well, hopefully it's the menopause.
Yay! Yay Menopause! - Oh, rubbish! - Yeah Look, we'll know soon enough.
I've got an appointment at the clinic.
Put Pete out of his misery.
He is carrying on like an expectant dad.
I've made him promise that he will not tell the lads.
And I know when it happened, too.
It was the night of Ramona's wedding.
Well, how can you be so sure? Oh, yeah, just once a month.
- I thought you were disturbed by the police.
- We were.
If anything, the shock gave me that little bit more thrust.
Come to think of it that is what probably caused it.
Shut up.
Mrs Gifford.
What can I do for you? Settle a bet.
My husband's got a fiver on me being pregnant.
Right.
Well, let's take a look at you.
Smart money says it's the change.
I need a girlfriend.
Getting sick of my own company.
Problem is they get sick of it, too.
Ramona's wedding.
That was a bad night.
I began to think I might be losing my touch.
- What makes you think you're not? - I have an admirer.
She's very attractive.
She's a barista at this cafe I go to.
Hey! It's my favourite customer.
- They live for tips.
- No, no, no.
She's made it clear that she likes me.
I'd swipe right.
That means nothing.
Baristas often draw a love heart.
Not with a Cupid's arrow through it.
Not with a Cupid's arrow through it.
Well, I'm relieved I'm not pregnant, but I'm not sure why you're still touching my boobs.
You can get dressed now.
It's because you mentioned one was feeling larger.
Oh, yeah? Is that a menopause thing, then? - Not usually.
- What was it, then? Professional curiosity? It can be a symptom of something else.
Well, I I've put on a couple of pounds, to be honest.
I felt a lump.
I'd like to refer you to the hospital for tests.
- Is it cancer? - Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
It might be nothing.
Yeah, but it-it might be cancer.
So, this barista that's got the hots for you, how old is she? - She's 27.
- Oh.
I checked her dating profile.
That's way too young, even by your standards.
The gap's 15 years.
It doesn't seem to bother her.
15?! Yeah.
She thinks I'm 42.
Yeah, but you're not.
You're clearly deluded, mate.
You're losing your mind as well as your looks.
Someone's in the canal! - It must be bloody freezing! - Bloody hell! - Hey! - Oi! Hang on! We're coming! It's OK.
Oh, barrel, barrel.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good idea! Bloody hell, you nearly brained him! Well, what are we going to do?! - We've gotta do something.
- Well, one of us has got to get in.
- What? - Wha-wha-what? It's my best suit.
Oh, for God's sake! - Grab that! - He's coming! He's coming! Good man.
Come on.
Come on, there you go.
There you go, son.
He's coming! He's coming! Ambulance, please.
That's it, Pete.
Come on.
That's it, that's it.
Come on.
Castlefield.
Near the white, bendy, wobbly bridge.
Lift his head out! Lift his head out! That's it.
Keep going.
Keep going.
You've just got to get people, experts needed now.
Please, now.
Almost there.
Come on! Give me your hand! That's it.
My two friends are looking after him.
No, both totally inadequate.
Oh, God.
Oh Oh, no! He's unconscious! Can you do CPR? Well, like, I've done a bit in the care home.
Come on, he's turning blue! Oh, God.
I need the song! - What? - Give me a song by the Bee Gees! - What?! - Give me a song by the Bee Gees! - Er, How Deep Is Your Love? - No, not that one! - Er, Night Fever? - No, not that! - Stayin' Alive? - That's it! - Sing it.
- Why? - I need the rhythm! Er You can tell by the way I use my walk No, no, no, no! The chorus.
The chorus.
Whether you're a brother Or whether you're a mother - That's it.
- Stayin' alive, stayin' alive Feel the city breakin' Everyone is shakin' - The ambulance is on its way.
- Stayin' alive, stayin' alive Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive Stayin' alive Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin' aliiiiive Oh! - You're all right! - It's OK! You're OK, mate.
You're OK.
Oh, my God, Pete, you saved his life! Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin' alive, stayin' alive - Ramona! - It's Alejandro! - He cheat on me! - Oh, no.
The man is a count! You think he know to treat me better, no?! - Is OK I stay with you? - Oh Yes Yes.
Thank you, Karen.
I kill him! Mum, where have you been? Dad just dived into a canal! What? You bloody idiot! - What were you thinking?! - Well, I wasn't.
- I just jumped in.
- He's a hero, Mum.
- He deserves a medal.
- You should be proud of him.
You could've died! You don't risk your life when you've got two kids.
Are we gonna eat soon? In a minute.
Possibly three I've done a test.
There is no baby.
- What should we do tonight? - Oh, I don't know.
Erm, go to the bar, meet your friends I think I'd rather stay in.
Netflix and chill.
Well, that sounds tempting now I know what it means.
You don't know what it's like Baby, you don't know Oh.
Erm, hey, I'm thinking of inviting someone to dinner.
This woman that I'm going to be going out with.
You're GOING to be going out with? Yeah.
She wants to.
I just have to ask her.
I thought you might like to invite your girlfriend.
A double date? I don't think so.
Well, you have to eat.
And I'd like to meet her.
- What about Thursday? - Uh-uh.
Well, you can have my jacket.
Have it? - Borrow it.
- Have it.
- Have it.
Thursday, OK? - Yes.
- He's still here?! - There's no point in going back, is there? Josh needs to toughen up, knuckle down and finish his degree! Why?! Plenty of successful people never finished university.
Richard Branson, Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates So many, you can name them.
Mark Zuckerberg, Lady Gaga, Steve Jobs Lady Gaga? Look, we are not gonna force Josh to do something that he hates.
Do you recall the Marsden family motto? Jesus Christ, David.
No, I do not.
I imagine it's some bollocks in Latin about duty and honour and not shagging below stairs.
Numquam ignavis vincit.
The coward never conquers.
Josh is a Marsden.
We don't quit.
Sticking at something that you hate makes you a loser.
You don't demand enough of Josh.
You never have! - No, no, no, no! Is not right! - Ramona? I know.
I bring Joshie up! Well, actually, Ramona, I did play a small part.
What's she doing here? I remember Joshie.
He just start crawling, and you make me teach him toilet! You did always hold him to an impossible standard.
No more than my father did to me.
And where's that got you, Dad?! Look, you might be content trying to fill your father's shoes, but I'm not.
I don't want to follow in your footsteps.
I want to live my own life! Isn't that what we should all strive to do? How's the love life? Any joy? I haven't tried.
You should.
I'm sure you won't be disappointed.
Yeah, on that, erm I've just bought a new coffee machine.
Yeah, my mate George recommended it.
Well, he's more of a brother, really.
Clooney.
Yeah-ha.
Er, anyway, if you, er, fancy trying a cup .
.
Thursday, say, with dinner before this is my address.
You're inviting me around for dinner? Or we could go out, if you prefer.
Oh, God, this is embarrassing.
- What, you don't drink coffee? - No.
I mean, yes.
But, no.
No offence.
No.
Er none taken.
I'm seeing someone at the moment.
Oh, so it's timing? Yeah.
OK, well, look, if anything changes before Thursday Adam, wait Yes? You haven't paid.
Oh, sorry.
Erm Excuse me, I'm looking for Evan Jenkins.
He's over there.
Thank you.
All right? It's Evan, isn't it? Well, I mean, you look a lot better than you did the last time I saw you.
And drier, too.
Well, I brought you a few things that I thought you wouldn't have.
Er, toothbrush, toothpaste kind of thing.
Oh, a bit of chocolate! Sorry, I'm Pete.
I'm the bloke that pulled you out of the canal and gave you CPR.
Yeah, I know who you are.
- You don't have to thank me.
- I wasn't going to.
- How'd you fall in? - I didn't.
You were pushed? Jesus You jumped? I was hoping I'd drown.
And I might have if some twat hadn't decided to act the hero.
Look, mate, come on Just piss off.
Leave me alone.
Go on.
Just go.
Yesterday, I was on top of the world.
I'd just saved a life.
I thought we'd created another.
It doesn't take much to bring you down, does it? But it could be worse, Pete.
How so? - Don't use my iPad! - I didn't! Well, we might not have two adorable kids, for a start.
I've got this.
- Oi! - Dad, she's gone and done it! Not again.
What have I told you two? - Why can't she use her own? - Pack it in, will you? Oh, Dad, it's not fair! Well, this is lovely.
Are we still celebrating my settlement? Well a lot of people have been giving me advice.
You, Karen, Josh Ramona.
- And today, I acted on it.
- At work? Mm.
I led a staff rebellion.
I was something of a hero.
I've asked around, Darren, and it turns out that no-one received a bonus.
Not true, David.
OK Hands up if you got one.
Individually, none of you did enough to get a bonus, but collectively, you did just enough to get me mine.
That's not fair! David's right.
Without our efforts, you'd get nothing.
My whole career, I've stood by and watched while the few at the top took advantage of those who do all the work.
Well, no more.
Well, that's obvious from which side of the table you're sitting.
No.
I mean, no more will I put up with it.
I still have my self-respect.
So, I'm resigning.
And I advise you all to do the same.
So .
.
who's with me? No longer, Darren, will we be broken on the capitalist wheel! Freedom is ours! Oh, my God! David, you were magnificent! Well, you know, someone has to make a stand.
So, what do we do now? - What do you mean? - Well, what's the plan? Well, I thought I might take a little time to consider my next move.
Well, I can see that, you know, if you've got outstanding student loans and and a mortgage and if you've got a baby on the way, then it might be a luxury you can ill afford.
'You were a hero.
' 'Mm.
Briefly.
'And then a pariah.
' So, er, that's that.
Does the offer of a loan still stand? No.
Ah It wasn't a loan.
I don't need you to pay me back.
Then I think we are still celebrating.
A bottle of the Moet, please.
Matt, your girlfriend's here! Matt?! Gemma! Adam! - I wasn't expecting to see you.
- No.
No, it's great.
Great.
Not a problem.
I've got enough for four.
Come in.
Come on.
God, I'm so delighted you decided to come.
Oh, Matt! Er, this is Gemma.
Remember I mentioned her to you? What? So, did you dump the guy that you were seeing? - No - How's that gonna work? Er, Dad Gemma's my girlfriend.
What? - You were hitting on my girlfriend?! - No.
No! Yes.
I mean, well, I didn't know she was your girlfriend.
- She was hitting on me! - No, I wasn't! Oh, really? "Come-to-bed eyes.
" Yeah, you have nice eyes.
So does he.
It's genetic.
You said you'd swipe right.
- "If old was my thing.
" - Old?! Old?! Do you want to talk about age? He's 17! You told me you were 22.
- Ah - Oh, my God, Matt.
You're barely legal! Gemma Dad! Gemma Gemma, wa-wa-wait! Please! Stay here, we can talk about this.
- 17?! - Yeah, well - I'm proud of you, Dad.
- What, for quitting my job? Yeah, it must've been hard for you.
Well, the thought of how much it would've upset my father made it slightly easier.
Look, I don't want you to feel you have to live in my shoes.
I find them uncomfortable enough as it is.
And you're right, Josh, you have to live your own life.
And I trust you to make the right decisions.
Really? Because Ramona's going back to Barcelona, and I'm going with her.
Karen? He plans on getting a job, David.
Two, in fact.
Yeah, working in a bar and teaching English.
He learn to speak Spanish proper.
Proper-ly.
Look, he'll be fluent within a year.
That's quicker than if he were at uni.
And in time, I, er, I want to start my own language school.
Ah, an entrepreneur.
Spain's where I was happiest, Dad.
Then I think that sounds like a very good idea.
She dumped me.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm sorry.
I really liked her.
I know.
What is wrong with you? It was bad enough at Ramona's wedding, running after women half your age, but this I didn't know she was your girlfriend.
The fact that she could be is what makes it wrong.
The fact she was, that makes it worse.
You embarrass me, Dad.
You're just sad .
.
and totally pathetic.
I don't know, Karen.
Maybe Matt has a point.
Perhaps I am beginning to look ridiculous.
Your hair was.
- Well, you never said.
- Well, I'm your friend.
That's what friends are for, to tell you uncomfortable truths.
- You looked ridiculous.
- Yes, all right, you've said that.
Is that her? Uh-huh.
You idiot.
- Hiya.
- Hey.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Forgotten.
One thing.
The love heart, I get, but the Cupid's arrow? Oh, no.
I just haven't got a hang of the nozzle yet.
Ah Hey, it's my favourite customer.
Hello, can I have my usual, please? Yeah, of course you can.
- I don't wanna grow old.
- Why not? - Because I'm not ready to.
- Well, you don't have much choice.
- Uncomfortable truth? - Hm? - You're gonna die.
- What? - You're scared of death.
- Oh, shut up.
No, it's true.
Ask yourself, why do you always date younger women? Because I can.
Well, I could.
No, you're hoping their youth's gonna rub off on you and you'll live longer.
It doesn't work like that, Adam.
Face it, you're 50.
50?! Look, you have a limited amount of time left.
Do you want to waste it chasing immortality? Because you will fail.
And you're gonna end up dying lonely and alone.
Alternatively you can embrace your age.
Throw yourself at your future with someone who's lived, who wants to live.
Someone you can grow old with.
- Well, how am I gonna find her? - I don't know.
But that's your quest.
Someone out there loves you Someone out there is lonely, too They may not know it They may be trying to tell you And you may not know Till you pass on the street Your heads turn, your eyes lock And you feel complete
Sorry? You asked me if I wanted fresh towels.
I do, yeah.
Oh, we do.
Thanks.
- Would you get a move on? - All right! Spring is here The sky is blue Have you seen Mum? Well, weren't planning to.
- Not before the service.
- I can't find my cuff-links.
Are these them? Didn't look very hard, did you? We're going Going to the chapel And we're gonna get married How do I look? Oh, Jen, you look beautiful.
All eyes are gonna be on you.
I don't want to upstage the bride much.
Well, then, don't stand at the front.
Oh, wowzer! You look amazing! The bells will ring The sun will shine The car's here.
All right, good.
- Are you nervous? - A little.
Well, quite a lot, actually.
I just don't want to let her down.
You won't, Dad.
And we'll never be lonely any more Because we're Going to the chapel And we're gonna get married We're going to the chapel And we're gonna get married Gee, I really love you And we're gonna get married We're going to the chapel of love Here you go.
Oh, thank you for give me away.
- It's my pleasure, Ramona.
- Mm.
Come on.
Hey! Congratulations, Ramona.
I like your husband - very dashing.
Mm.
He's a count.
- Oh - Well Well, why did you marry him, then? - Hm? - Cos she wants to be a countess.
Ah I no care he's a count.
I care that he's nice to me.
And good-looking.
Good for you.
I had to settle for "nice to me".
- Which is more than I got.
- Hey! - Hey, er, Ramona - Mm-hm? Who's the, er, woman in the orange? Aha.
Alejandro's niece, Isabella.
I think she likes me.
You speak Spanish? Cos she have no English.
No, we're speaking the universal language.
Oh, Esperanto? Sexual attraction.
Oh! Bon dias.
Hola! So, how are you finding university? Oh, I am loving it.
- I meant Adam.
- Hey? Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's loving it, too.
My lecturer, oh, he's so inspiring.
- He's like that - Sorry.
.
.
Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society.
You're doing really well, aren't you, son? - I'm doing all right.
- Yeah.
So's Josh.
Of course, I wouldn't expect anything else.
Well, we did, to be honest.
Yeah, but he didn't go to one of them posh schools like Josh, did he? No, no.
We definitely gave him the best start.
That was your ex-wife on the phone.
Robin is handling Nikki's divorce from George.
- Oh, he's got a bob or two! - Not two any more.
- My settlement's just come through.
- Oh! So, that's two men I know who've suffered at her hands.
Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Here's to your sudden wealth.
How does it feel? Well, it's a relief, cos we've had to live on a budget the past few months.
I still do.
My circumstances haven't changed.
You better raise your game if you wanna keep up with that one.
Hey, Alejandro bring me here on our first date.
So, er, three months ago? Look, when you know is right, it's no matter.
- You know.
- Yeah.
- It's a shame you no bring Gavin.
- Gareth.
- Oh! - We split up months ago, Ramona.
I sent you a long e-mail.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I've been busy.
- Mm.
- So, we find you someone new.
- Not interested.
- Hm, you don't want to grow old alone.
Well, I'm doing all right so far, thanks.
- Oh, Karen, you will find someone.
- I don't need to.
And perhaps, hm he's here, hm? Ah! - Yo.
- Hey.
- So, what do you think of Alejandro? - I just hope he makes Ramona happy.
Don't see why he wouldn't.
He's charming, he's good-looking, he's rich.
Mm Not sure I trust him.
Maybe that says more about you than him.
- Probably.
Shouldn't you be talking to that Isabella? I thought you two were speaking "the universal language".
Something got lost in translation.
Oh, you're from Valencia! No, never been there.
I went to Madrid once to see United play.
They've got loads of Spanish players.
Er, De Gea, Mata Herrera.
They've even got one called Valencia.
But he's from Ecuador.
El es mi amigo.
Disculpa.
What? 'We didn't share the same interests.
'You know, football, me.
' Oh I'd like to say a couple of words.
Josh - Will you act as my interpreter? - Me? Yeah, well, you're studying Spanish.
Could I have some attention, please? Silencio! Thank you, Josh.
Erm, now, Ramona was for many years our children's nanny.
- Ninera! - Ninera.
Ninera And it was a great honour to be asked to stand in for her father.
- Dad, I can't do this.
- It's perfectly simple.
No, I hate public speaking.
Well, I'm doing that.
You just have to translate.
It was a great honour I always remember when David! I hadn't quite finished.
Look, they knew what you wanted to say.
Senora No se pense resistir Right, there you go.
- Wow.
- Who-o-oa! - What do you think, eh? - Oh, Pete! Oi! Where are you two going? We're going for a spin in Alejandro's car.
- Ramona's lent me the keys.
- Oh, nice.
Can I come? Erm Yeah, it's a two-seater.
Anyway, I thought you were hitting on all the senoritas.
Yeah, just a couple.
Not much luck.
I think it's my accent.
Oh, come on, don't leave me on my own.
Come on, I can squeeze in the back.
- Hm - Yeah.
I mean, we could do.
But then again you and me, the open road find ourselves a cosy little country lane.
Just saying.
Right! See you later, navigator.
Er Oh, come on! Don't be so hard on yourself.
Simultaneous translation's really difficult.
- Here you go, Mum.
- Aw, thanks.
Thanks, darling.
There's something I need to tell you, but I'm worried you're gonna take it badly.
Oh, God Well, come on, then.
You've never shocked me before.
What have you got? I've dropped out of uni.
Well, it happens.
Oh, Mum! Oh, come on! It's not the end of the world, sweetheart.
And when we leave here, you just come home with me and the girls.
And what about Dad? Probably best we don't say anything to him yet.
Not till we know what you're gonna do.
Now, look, are we going to sit here and mope or am I going to put you to shame on the dance floor? Come on! Oh, baby, when you talk like that You make a woman go mad So be wise and keep on Reading the signs of my body - Hi! - I thought you'd be longer.
Well, we would've been.
Yeah, except we got stopped by the police.
- Speeding? - Hmm Maybe parked up in a lay-by.
Yeah, they gave us a hell of a start.
Yeah, I felt that! - Are you having a good time? - Oh, yeah, brilliant.
I can't even get drunk.
No free hands.
Did you ever think life might be passing you by? - Hey? - No.
Slow dance, come on.
Come on.
- Come on, love.
- Aw We can't leave him on his own again.
No, look at him.
He's got his hands full with all his new friends.
Very good.
You said you wanted to be a hit with the senoritas.
Well, look at you now! When I'm lyin' in my bed at night I don't wanna grow up - Dad? - I'm in the bathroom.
Hey, that wasn't an invitation to join me.
I'm in a hurry.
Well, what do you do that for? Oh, no, it's, erm plant food for hair.
You know, it gives it extra body.
- Does it get rid of the grey as well? - Oh, get out of it.
- What do you want? - Wax.
- Oh, so you can use product, but I can't? - Mm-hm.
- Who's your date? - Need-to-know basis.
- Dad, can I have 20 quid? - Jeez Call it an advance on your inheritance.
Ta.
Don't leave it on too long.
You don't want to give it too much body! Oh, shite! Stay with me, Barbara.
The ambulance is on its way.
Keep it down, will ya? I'm trying to finish an assignment.
By rights, I should be singing, but you objected to that, too.
Well, you were flat.
Why are you doing it anyway? He has to practise.
He might have to do it one day.
Well, shouldn't it be second nature by now? Well, yeah, but I've never done it for real, and I'm worried that when I have to, I'll just freeze.
Oh, I know what you mean.
It's like whenever I'm on a plane, the emergency drill, I never take it in.
When were you last on a plane? Well, you can never get too much practice, Barb.
- Oooh - Do it in the other room, will you? Grumpy, eh? - Quietly! - Oh, all right.
We'll go the other room.
Are you going to give me mouth-to-mouth as well? Have you got your dentures in? Oh! You better hope so! Hey It's my favourite customer.
Very good.
Adam, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Never forget a handsome face.
Oh, I'm the same.
Gemma.
- Gemma - The usual? Er, to have here, yeah.
I'll bring it over.
Thanks.
David! I wasn't expecting you.
Hi.
- I hoped you might be free for coffee.
- No, I'm not.
Oh, well.
This won't take long.
'You want to take money out of the company?' Er, as a dividend, yes.
No, I'm not sure now's the right time, David.
I've just given a sizeable advance to a first-time author from Hull.
Did you have to? I mean, Hull? - Are you short of money, David? - No! No.
No.
I mean, I have overheads, obviously, like you do.
The girls' school fees, university tuition for Josh - Mm Er, I might need to talk to you about that.
- Mum? Josh? - Ah - Dad.
I thought you'd be at university.
Josh is just spending a few days at home to consider his future.
Oh, you don't graduate for another year.
What's to consider? W-Well, that's the thing.
Erm I'm not going to graduate.
Of course you are.
Nowadays, you only have to turn up to the exams, - they give you a 2:1.
- No I've dropped out.
He hasn't dropped out formally.
He's just stopped going.
- Why? - I'm not happy, Dad.
Happy? Who cares about happy? You go to university to get a degree.
I'm no good at Spanish.
You saw that for yourself.
And I hate business studies.
I only did it to please you.
So dropping out's gonna make me proud? - David, he hasn't dropped out! - Pete's Adam is doing very well.
Straight A's.
And he went to a comprehensive.
- So, how many lectureshave you missed? - Three.
- Ah - Months.
Months?! Josh, you told me a few weeks! That is a few weeks.
So, all this time I've been paying and you haven't even been there? I knew it would be about the money.
David, money's not the most important thing.
- It's important to me.
- I'll pay you back.
How, without an education? See, I told you there was no point in talking to him! - Josh - Josh, don't walk away from me! David, let me handle this! I want you back at university by the weekend! Sort this out, Karen.
She's all right.
What? We all do it.
Online dating? - I'm sure you don't need to.
- Why, thank you! I could say the same.
Oh, no, at my age, it's it's hard to meet new people.
You can't be more than, what 40 two? - Close enough.
- You must get lots of matches.
- Mm.
- I've seen what's out there.
Oh! She gives with one hand, takes with the other.
I'm serious.
If I was in the market for a 42-year-old with come-to-bed eyes, I'd swipe right.
Well, you know, if, erm, you are you know where to find me.
- Don't let your coffee go cold.
- OK.
I was a disappointment to my father.
You don't talk about him much.
No.
I hated the man.
God, he'd be spinning in his grave if he could see me now.
Thank you, David.
Oh, I don't mean you, darling.
I mean, living beyond my means and earning on commission.
There's no shame to working in insurance.
That's what I tell people I do.
We both know it's basically a call centre.
Yeah, true, if they hadn't been driving a Maserati, the repair bill wouldn't have been so high.
But then, if you hadn't driven into them, there wouldn't be a repair bill at all.
Yeah, and a very good afternoon to you, ma Another satisfied customer? It's difficult to tell.
She put the phone down on me.
Is Donna all right? Well, she's pregnant and on her own, so Val, who's answering your phone?! I'm telling people their bonuses.
Ah Well, that explains the air of incipient despondency.
"Incipient despondency"? You crack me up, David! Thanks.
So, bonus So, what am I getting? Nothing.
I wanted to tell you in person.
Now, crack on.
'If you hate it so much, find something else.
' How? We're barely allowed a toilet break.
I can't see them giving me time off for an interview.
- Well, then, quit.
- I can't afford to! Well No, but I can.
I can give you money till you're back on your feet.
What, live off charity? God, Dad would love that.
- I thought he was dead.
- He is.
Technically.
How do I look? Older.
- Unlike you.
- Is that my jacket? - Do you mind? - No.
God, I'm delighted you think I'm stylish.
Well, you work for a fashion website.
- You'd hope something rubbed off.
- In IT.
I don't tell people that bit.
I'll see you later.
Hey, wait, whoa, whoa! You said you were in tonight.
Yeah, the plans have changed.
Oh, I thought we'd watch Netflix and chill.
- You can do that on your own.
- That's not as much fun, though, eh? - See ya.
- Oh, right, yeah.
Your new girlfriend.
When am I going to meet her? - Here, invite her over for dinner.
- Dad Am I that embarrassing? OK, sure.
- I've gotta go.
- All right, have fun.
Do you think these boys look bigger? - Bigger than what? - Than they used to.
Hm, maybe a little lower.
- Do you think it's a menopause thing? - What, bigger boobs? Why don't you google it? I don't want that on my search history.
- It's already on mine.
- I'm sure it is.
And why would you think that anyway? - You what? - A sign of the menopause.
I don't know.
It could be.
- I feel really hot when I'm in bed.
- No, that's just this duvet.
Too many togs.
Plus my period's late.
Well, I did wonder, but I didn't want to say anything.
Hm.
That's a first.
- Maybe you're pregnant.
- Hm! Don't be daft.
No! Wait Wait, Jen.
Jen, yes, that's it.
Your period's late.
You're never late.
- We can set the calendar by you.
- Pete, I'm 50.
No, it could happen to women at your age.
It's not inconceivable.
See what I did there? I'm not pregnant.
Ah, we had great sex at Ramona's wedding.
- Unprotected! - It'll be the menopause.
Your boobs swelled up when you were pregnant with Chloe.
To be fair, all of me swelled up.
Look, trust me! You are up the duff.
I know these things.
When you were expecting Adam, I knew before you did, didn't I? - Yeah, that's true.
- Yeah.
- Go to sleep.
See, I'm not surprised.
- Since we renewed our wedding vows, we've been getting on so well.
- Mm.
This is the cherry on the icing on the cake.
Yes! It's good to get out.
Yeah, well, you're a free agent.
You've got no excuse.
Yeah.
- Well, I've got some news.
- What's happened to your hair? I left the dye on too long.
It's Matt's fault.
- Probably best not to say anything.
- Is it noticeable? No, no, no.
At least not until it's confirmed.
Are you listening to me? Well, it must be, otherwise you wouldn't have said anything.
Jenny's pregnant.
Right, you got our attention.
What's your news? - No, that's it.
Jenny's pregnant.
- Oh, bollocks! She's too old, surely.
Well, she's not been through the change.
Yeah, you don't look at her and think "fecund".
Well, if that means what I think it means, I'll have you know I find her very fecund.
- Are you sure? - Well, you know, sometimes.
- Once a month.
- No, that she's pregnant.
Well, not 100%.
But all the signs are there.
- What, like a positive pregnancy test? - Hm.
I don't need to do a test.
You know your own body, don't you? Yeah, you do.
Mind you, I did think, if it'd shut Pete up and I happened to be in the chemist's anyway.
'Got to admit, I felt slightly embarrassed 'shopping for a pregnancy test at 50.
' It feels a little bit like buying your condoms when you're 15.
Did you? 15? Yeah, had to.
Pete was always too shy.
Bless.
Anyhow 'I found one.
'But then I saw this mum of one of Chloe's friends.
'I panicked.
' Hi, Jen.
Hi! It's not that she might think I'm pregnant, she might think Chloe is! - Well, suppose you are? - Oh, God, I'm not.
Would you go through with it? Ohh Would you? God, no.
No, value my sleep too much.
- Hm - And I'd have to give up work.
Wouldn't have the time.
Or the mental capacity, frankly.
I'd have to give up my course.
I mean, I couldn't do that.
But, I mean, an abortion.
I mean, I couldn't do that either.
Well, hopefully it's the menopause.
Yay! Yay Menopause! - Oh, rubbish! - Yeah Look, we'll know soon enough.
I've got an appointment at the clinic.
Put Pete out of his misery.
He is carrying on like an expectant dad.
I've made him promise that he will not tell the lads.
And I know when it happened, too.
It was the night of Ramona's wedding.
Well, how can you be so sure? Oh, yeah, just once a month.
- I thought you were disturbed by the police.
- We were.
If anything, the shock gave me that little bit more thrust.
Come to think of it that is what probably caused it.
Shut up.
Mrs Gifford.
What can I do for you? Settle a bet.
My husband's got a fiver on me being pregnant.
Right.
Well, let's take a look at you.
Smart money says it's the change.
I need a girlfriend.
Getting sick of my own company.
Problem is they get sick of it, too.
Ramona's wedding.
That was a bad night.
I began to think I might be losing my touch.
- What makes you think you're not? - I have an admirer.
She's very attractive.
She's a barista at this cafe I go to.
Hey! It's my favourite customer.
- They live for tips.
- No, no, no.
She's made it clear that she likes me.
I'd swipe right.
That means nothing.
Baristas often draw a love heart.
Not with a Cupid's arrow through it.
Not with a Cupid's arrow through it.
Well, I'm relieved I'm not pregnant, but I'm not sure why you're still touching my boobs.
You can get dressed now.
It's because you mentioned one was feeling larger.
Oh, yeah? Is that a menopause thing, then? - Not usually.
- What was it, then? Professional curiosity? It can be a symptom of something else.
Well, I I've put on a couple of pounds, to be honest.
I felt a lump.
I'd like to refer you to the hospital for tests.
- Is it cancer? - Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
It might be nothing.
Yeah, but it-it might be cancer.
So, this barista that's got the hots for you, how old is she? - She's 27.
- Oh.
I checked her dating profile.
That's way too young, even by your standards.
The gap's 15 years.
It doesn't seem to bother her.
15?! Yeah.
She thinks I'm 42.
Yeah, but you're not.
You're clearly deluded, mate.
You're losing your mind as well as your looks.
Someone's in the canal! - It must be bloody freezing! - Bloody hell! - Hey! - Oi! Hang on! We're coming! It's OK.
Oh, barrel, barrel.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good idea! Bloody hell, you nearly brained him! Well, what are we going to do?! - We've gotta do something.
- Well, one of us has got to get in.
- What? - Wha-wha-what? It's my best suit.
Oh, for God's sake! - Grab that! - He's coming! He's coming! Good man.
Come on.
Come on, there you go.
There you go, son.
He's coming! He's coming! Ambulance, please.
That's it, Pete.
Come on.
That's it, that's it.
Come on.
Castlefield.
Near the white, bendy, wobbly bridge.
Lift his head out! Lift his head out! That's it.
Keep going.
Keep going.
You've just got to get people, experts needed now.
Please, now.
Almost there.
Come on! Give me your hand! That's it.
My two friends are looking after him.
No, both totally inadequate.
Oh, God.
Oh Oh, no! He's unconscious! Can you do CPR? Well, like, I've done a bit in the care home.
Come on, he's turning blue! Oh, God.
I need the song! - What? - Give me a song by the Bee Gees! - What?! - Give me a song by the Bee Gees! - Er, How Deep Is Your Love? - No, not that one! - Er, Night Fever? - No, not that! - Stayin' Alive? - That's it! - Sing it.
- Why? - I need the rhythm! Er You can tell by the way I use my walk No, no, no, no! The chorus.
The chorus.
Whether you're a brother Or whether you're a mother - That's it.
- Stayin' alive, stayin' alive Feel the city breakin' Everyone is shakin' - The ambulance is on its way.
- Stayin' alive, stayin' alive Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive Stayin' alive Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin' aliiiiive Oh! - You're all right! - It's OK! You're OK, mate.
You're OK.
Oh, my God, Pete, you saved his life! Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin' alive, stayin' alive - Ramona! - It's Alejandro! - He cheat on me! - Oh, no.
The man is a count! You think he know to treat me better, no?! - Is OK I stay with you? - Oh Yes Yes.
Thank you, Karen.
I kill him! Mum, where have you been? Dad just dived into a canal! What? You bloody idiot! - What were you thinking?! - Well, I wasn't.
- I just jumped in.
- He's a hero, Mum.
- He deserves a medal.
- You should be proud of him.
You could've died! You don't risk your life when you've got two kids.
Are we gonna eat soon? In a minute.
Possibly three I've done a test.
There is no baby.
- What should we do tonight? - Oh, I don't know.
Erm, go to the bar, meet your friends I think I'd rather stay in.
Netflix and chill.
Well, that sounds tempting now I know what it means.
You don't know what it's like Baby, you don't know Oh.
Erm, hey, I'm thinking of inviting someone to dinner.
This woman that I'm going to be going out with.
You're GOING to be going out with? Yeah.
She wants to.
I just have to ask her.
I thought you might like to invite your girlfriend.
A double date? I don't think so.
Well, you have to eat.
And I'd like to meet her.
- What about Thursday? - Uh-uh.
Well, you can have my jacket.
Have it? - Borrow it.
- Have it.
- Have it.
Thursday, OK? - Yes.
- He's still here?! - There's no point in going back, is there? Josh needs to toughen up, knuckle down and finish his degree! Why?! Plenty of successful people never finished university.
Richard Branson, Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates So many, you can name them.
Mark Zuckerberg, Lady Gaga, Steve Jobs Lady Gaga? Look, we are not gonna force Josh to do something that he hates.
Do you recall the Marsden family motto? Jesus Christ, David.
No, I do not.
I imagine it's some bollocks in Latin about duty and honour and not shagging below stairs.
Numquam ignavis vincit.
The coward never conquers.
Josh is a Marsden.
We don't quit.
Sticking at something that you hate makes you a loser.
You don't demand enough of Josh.
You never have! - No, no, no, no! Is not right! - Ramona? I know.
I bring Joshie up! Well, actually, Ramona, I did play a small part.
What's she doing here? I remember Joshie.
He just start crawling, and you make me teach him toilet! You did always hold him to an impossible standard.
No more than my father did to me.
And where's that got you, Dad?! Look, you might be content trying to fill your father's shoes, but I'm not.
I don't want to follow in your footsteps.
I want to live my own life! Isn't that what we should all strive to do? How's the love life? Any joy? I haven't tried.
You should.
I'm sure you won't be disappointed.
Yeah, on that, erm I've just bought a new coffee machine.
Yeah, my mate George recommended it.
Well, he's more of a brother, really.
Clooney.
Yeah-ha.
Er, anyway, if you, er, fancy trying a cup .
.
Thursday, say, with dinner before this is my address.
You're inviting me around for dinner? Or we could go out, if you prefer.
Oh, God, this is embarrassing.
- What, you don't drink coffee? - No.
I mean, yes.
But, no.
No offence.
No.
Er none taken.
I'm seeing someone at the moment.
Oh, so it's timing? Yeah.
OK, well, look, if anything changes before Thursday Adam, wait Yes? You haven't paid.
Oh, sorry.
Erm Excuse me, I'm looking for Evan Jenkins.
He's over there.
Thank you.
All right? It's Evan, isn't it? Well, I mean, you look a lot better than you did the last time I saw you.
And drier, too.
Well, I brought you a few things that I thought you wouldn't have.
Er, toothbrush, toothpaste kind of thing.
Oh, a bit of chocolate! Sorry, I'm Pete.
I'm the bloke that pulled you out of the canal and gave you CPR.
Yeah, I know who you are.
- You don't have to thank me.
- I wasn't going to.
- How'd you fall in? - I didn't.
You were pushed? Jesus You jumped? I was hoping I'd drown.
And I might have if some twat hadn't decided to act the hero.
Look, mate, come on Just piss off.
Leave me alone.
Go on.
Just go.
Yesterday, I was on top of the world.
I'd just saved a life.
I thought we'd created another.
It doesn't take much to bring you down, does it? But it could be worse, Pete.
How so? - Don't use my iPad! - I didn't! Well, we might not have two adorable kids, for a start.
I've got this.
- Oi! - Dad, she's gone and done it! Not again.
What have I told you two? - Why can't she use her own? - Pack it in, will you? Oh, Dad, it's not fair! Well, this is lovely.
Are we still celebrating my settlement? Well a lot of people have been giving me advice.
You, Karen, Josh Ramona.
- And today, I acted on it.
- At work? Mm.
I led a staff rebellion.
I was something of a hero.
I've asked around, Darren, and it turns out that no-one received a bonus.
Not true, David.
OK Hands up if you got one.
Individually, none of you did enough to get a bonus, but collectively, you did just enough to get me mine.
That's not fair! David's right.
Without our efforts, you'd get nothing.
My whole career, I've stood by and watched while the few at the top took advantage of those who do all the work.
Well, no more.
Well, that's obvious from which side of the table you're sitting.
No.
I mean, no more will I put up with it.
I still have my self-respect.
So, I'm resigning.
And I advise you all to do the same.
So .
.
who's with me? No longer, Darren, will we be broken on the capitalist wheel! Freedom is ours! Oh, my God! David, you were magnificent! Well, you know, someone has to make a stand.
So, what do we do now? - What do you mean? - Well, what's the plan? Well, I thought I might take a little time to consider my next move.
Well, I can see that, you know, if you've got outstanding student loans and and a mortgage and if you've got a baby on the way, then it might be a luxury you can ill afford.
'You were a hero.
' 'Mm.
Briefly.
'And then a pariah.
' So, er, that's that.
Does the offer of a loan still stand? No.
Ah It wasn't a loan.
I don't need you to pay me back.
Then I think we are still celebrating.
A bottle of the Moet, please.
Matt, your girlfriend's here! Matt?! Gemma! Adam! - I wasn't expecting to see you.
- No.
No, it's great.
Great.
Not a problem.
I've got enough for four.
Come in.
Come on.
God, I'm so delighted you decided to come.
Oh, Matt! Er, this is Gemma.
Remember I mentioned her to you? What? So, did you dump the guy that you were seeing? - No - How's that gonna work? Er, Dad Gemma's my girlfriend.
What? - You were hitting on my girlfriend?! - No.
No! Yes.
I mean, well, I didn't know she was your girlfriend.
- She was hitting on me! - No, I wasn't! Oh, really? "Come-to-bed eyes.
" Yeah, you have nice eyes.
So does he.
It's genetic.
You said you'd swipe right.
- "If old was my thing.
" - Old?! Old?! Do you want to talk about age? He's 17! You told me you were 22.
- Ah - Oh, my God, Matt.
You're barely legal! Gemma Dad! Gemma Gemma, wa-wa-wait! Please! Stay here, we can talk about this.
- 17?! - Yeah, well - I'm proud of you, Dad.
- What, for quitting my job? Yeah, it must've been hard for you.
Well, the thought of how much it would've upset my father made it slightly easier.
Look, I don't want you to feel you have to live in my shoes.
I find them uncomfortable enough as it is.
And you're right, Josh, you have to live your own life.
And I trust you to make the right decisions.
Really? Because Ramona's going back to Barcelona, and I'm going with her.
Karen? He plans on getting a job, David.
Two, in fact.
Yeah, working in a bar and teaching English.
He learn to speak Spanish proper.
Proper-ly.
Look, he'll be fluent within a year.
That's quicker than if he were at uni.
And in time, I, er, I want to start my own language school.
Ah, an entrepreneur.
Spain's where I was happiest, Dad.
Then I think that sounds like a very good idea.
She dumped me.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm sorry.
I really liked her.
I know.
What is wrong with you? It was bad enough at Ramona's wedding, running after women half your age, but this I didn't know she was your girlfriend.
The fact that she could be is what makes it wrong.
The fact she was, that makes it worse.
You embarrass me, Dad.
You're just sad .
.
and totally pathetic.
I don't know, Karen.
Maybe Matt has a point.
Perhaps I am beginning to look ridiculous.
Your hair was.
- Well, you never said.
- Well, I'm your friend.
That's what friends are for, to tell you uncomfortable truths.
- You looked ridiculous.
- Yes, all right, you've said that.
Is that her? Uh-huh.
You idiot.
- Hiya.
- Hey.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Forgotten.
One thing.
The love heart, I get, but the Cupid's arrow? Oh, no.
I just haven't got a hang of the nozzle yet.
Ah Hey, it's my favourite customer.
Hello, can I have my usual, please? Yeah, of course you can.
- I don't wanna grow old.
- Why not? - Because I'm not ready to.
- Well, you don't have much choice.
- Uncomfortable truth? - Hm? - You're gonna die.
- What? - You're scared of death.
- Oh, shut up.
No, it's true.
Ask yourself, why do you always date younger women? Because I can.
Well, I could.
No, you're hoping their youth's gonna rub off on you and you'll live longer.
It doesn't work like that, Adam.
Face it, you're 50.
50?! Look, you have a limited amount of time left.
Do you want to waste it chasing immortality? Because you will fail.
And you're gonna end up dying lonely and alone.
Alternatively you can embrace your age.
Throw yourself at your future with someone who's lived, who wants to live.
Someone you can grow old with.
- Well, how am I gonna find her? - I don't know.
But that's your quest.
Someone out there loves you Someone out there is lonely, too They may not know it They may be trying to tell you And you may not know Till you pass on the street Your heads turn, your eyes lock And you feel complete