Cold Feet (1997) s07e07 Episode Script

Series 7, Episode 7

1 Stop it.
Is this because you're turning 50? Or is it the sign of a guilty conscience? - I want you to undress me again.
- Sarah, we can't.
Nikki's left me.
I've known for a while there's another bloke.
Find out for me.
There is someone else.
It's you.
I don't recognise you, Jen.
You're not the woman I married.
On either occasion.
Just tell Pete our marriage is over.
- ".
.
with a sexy blonde who trashed my literary tastes.
" - Oh, my God.
He's describing me.
A man with intelligence who's good with his hands.
I contrived it all, Adam, to get you into bed.
The plan to get even with Tina? She destroyed my happiness.
Adam - You're having an affair.
- I promise I'm not.
She didn't come all this way to return your stapler, Adam.
We slept together.
Once.
- We're trying for a family! - She seduced me to get back at you.
Well, you could have said no! - I'm sorry.
- So you've said.
About a hundred times.
I believe you.
It doesn't mean I forgive you.
One, two, three, four, tell her that you love her more Five, six, seven, eight, no more time, don't be late Five, six, seven, eight, no more time, don't be late - What can I get you? - Morning.
Can I have a rosehip tea and a full English breakfast, please? You haven't lost your appetite, then.
No point making myself even more miserable, is there? Besides, it's included.
Hey, how comfortable are those beds, eh! I wouldn't know.
I'm surprised you do.
I'm going home.
You clearly don't want to share a bed with me.
Don't be stupid.
I've been feeling like this for months.
It hasn't stopped me sleeping next to you.
Neither of us are gonna forget this birthday in a hurry.
I'm so tactless I'm so sorry - Morning.
- Oh, hi there.
Sleep well? David, are you asleep? No, not yet.
It'll come.
- Boarding school and all that.
I can sleep anywhere.
- I can't.
Not knowing I've got this bed to myself.
We could share it.
It's so big, we won't even be in the same postcode.
- Are you sure? - Mm.
I think you'll find you're on my side.
I can go back if you want me to.
No, no, won't be necessary.
Yes, slept very well.
You don't think Surely not.
Bloody hell! Find where the wire meets the wall You stay calm I'll hold it happily on - I'm not looking forward to going home.
- You and me both.
I honestly don't know what we're going to do.
Me neither.
But I'm not just going to sit around and wait to see what happens.
Sorry.
You're so feckless I'm so sorry Time's been reckless With your body - You're moving out? - I'm going to stay at Karen's.
- Isn't that the same thing? - No.
Moving out's permanent.
Oh, so this is temporary? We'll see.
What about David? He's in Karen's spare room.
Tina.
Adam.
I take it you're expecting me.
No need to show me the way.
So, you said you wanted to use me to get to Tina.
Come in, Adam.
Originally, yes.
But you couldn't go through with it.
Because of my feelings for you.
Yet you did! At the worst possible moment, just as the cake was being cut! You said you'd come and talk to me.
And I waited, but you didn't.
I thought that you'd forgotten.
I was in a state.
- I'm-I'm sorry! - Oh, you're sorry?! Yes! I'm sorry for everything! For the sex tape, for the Away Day, for What?! Are you telling me that you posted Tina's sex tape online? I found it when Jamie told me about the affair.
I was waiting for the right moment to use it.
- Jesus, you're mad! - I was angry! Don't you think I had every right to be? She destroyed my marriage! No, Jamie did.
He cheated on you.
- If it wasn't with Tina, it would have been someone else.
- Oh, really? Because you cheated too.
You did everything you could to make me.
It wasn't that hard, Adam.
We both felt it.
I know I did.
That's why I didn't want to hurt you.
What a mess.
Hello, girls.
Just doing a quick stock take, see who's still breathing.
You might want to check on Oona for a pulse.
I'm just taking down names for the Mystery Tour.
Families welcome.
Ooh, eh, I'll invite my Nikki! - Where are we going? - Hollingworth Lake.
And there goes the mystery.
I did my courting there.
- With Derek? - Among others.
We'd cycle round the lake, then have fish and chips at the cafe.
I did the same thing with my Frank.
Well, there was bugger all else to do in Rochdale.
Oh, I miss them cycle rides.
I miss going three hours without needing to pee.
Well, let's hope there's no hold-ups on the M62, shall we? Pig of a day.
Well, it's about to get better.
Your husband's left you.
What?! You heard what she said.
The whole restaurant heard.
"You're a waste of space and you take up too much of it.
" She didn't say that, Pete.
Up in our room she did.
Oh.
If it's space she wants, then she can have it.
Oh, for God's sakes! - I'm working full time! He's meant to be running things here.
- Instead he's run off.
And who can blame him? - What's for tea? - Eh? Oh.
I don't suppose he put that on before he legged it, did he? Beans on toast, love.
Where's he gone anyway? Thanks for this, mate.
Ah, the Three Musketeers! And D'Artagnan! You're in with Aramis.
On an air bed.
How could it all fall in one day? If you need to, keep time on me So, give me a progress report.
Have you found out who Nikki's seeing? I've established the third party was not the cause of your marital breakdown.
So you're saying she's not seeing anyone? Look, much as I like to see a grown man squirm, I don't have the time, so let's cut to the chase.
Jules is getting better.
He's learnt how to work the auto-focus.
I should warn you, George, that I am a black belt in Jeet Kune Do.
And I should warn you, David, that I don't give a flying fuck.
I asked you once before whether you were banging my wife.
Are you? - It was never my intention.
- Answer the question! We have been intimate, yes.
The brunette's Ellie and the blonde Olivia.
I have got that the right way round, haven't I? Attractive girls.
Of course, they can lose their looks.
You can keep that.
It's always nice to have a snap of your family.
Ah, flowers.
Seriously? I think it's going to take a lot more than that.
- They're for you.
- Why? For letting me in.
Hi.
I brought you some flowers, but um How are you feeling? I'm angry.
I'm hurt.
I also know I'm partly to blame.
If I hadn't had an affair with Jamie, she wouldn't have come after you.
Even so, I didn't need to respond.
Please come home.
Let's start again.
We were trying for a family.
I can try harder.
Just have a baby to fix things? No! We wanted one before all this.
All I want is for us to be a family.
Me, you, Matt I want to ask you something.
I need you to be honest.
Do you have feelings for her? You don't need to answer.
You just did.
You can see yourself out.
- Hiya.
- A-ha.
- I thought you might let me down.
- Well, it's Sunday.
I'm not working.
United aren't playing.
He's roped you in as well, has he? How many of us do you need to take old blokes to the toilet? I am not toilet monitor.
No, David is skilled labour.
He's driving the coach.
Joe needs the loo before we set off.
All right.
Come on, Joe.
I'll take you.
You lead the way.
- I should have gone to church.
- Amen.
24 all in.
- Nikki! - Come with me.
Come on.
I didn't expect to see you here.
So the look on your face would suggest.
You know my mum's one of the inmates.
Oh, right.
Yeah, I'm her driver for the day.
Have you been avoiding me? You've not returned any of my calls.
It was my phone.
I've been searching for it everywhere.
Did Did you check your top pocket? Sorry, I've been very busy.
Nikki, I You don't think you've been followed, do you? No, David, I don't.
I don't know why you needed me to come.
It's a day out for families.
- It's not like you're even a resident.
- Pete invited me.
He's family.
And so are you.
Anyway, he's going to be busy.
Peter, love.
Barbara.
Wife.
Your children say hello.
I know.
I do speak to them.
I wish you and Pete would talk to each other.
He's the one who flounced off.
I don't know what to say to him.
We haven't got anything in common any more.
You've got decades of shared history! You've got your kids.
- You've got me.
- Talking about you is not going to get us through the next 10 years of marriage, is it? Although there is plenty of material.
How is Tina? Is she talking to you? She came round to see me last night.
Jenny doesn't love me any more.
Tina hates me.
Nikki's husband has threatened to maim my daughters.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
I've just come to get some more stuff.
I'm quitting my job.
Because you've got feelings for Sarah? No.
Because I love you.
I want to save our relationship.
Then is there anything else I need to know? About what? I don't know, Adam.
That's why I'm asking.
No.
OK.
We'll see what Sarah has to say.
I'm going to meet her for a coffee.
You're what? Until she and I have had it out, I don't think you and I can move forward.
'Oh, God, Adam.
' Did you lie about what happened? No, no, no.
I told her the truth.
I just didn't tell her all the truth.
There was a kiss in the stationery cupboard.
It sounds like something out of Cluedo.
"Adam Williams, in the stationery cupboard, with a stiffie.
" Sorry.
Go on.
We only kissed but afterwards I went round to Sarah's house.
- Oh, shit! - No, I didn't go in.
My bloody conscience got the better of me.
But, you know, if she tells Tina I even thought about having an affair or how close we've become No.
OK, just phone her.
Now.
- Tina? - No, Sarah! Beg her not to say anything.
Thank you for coming.
Where would you like to start? By apologising for fucking my husband? I'll come back in a minute.
I don't know, Jen.
It might do more harm than good.
Let's just hope she meant it when she said she doesn't want to cause me any more grief.
Know the biggest difference between Adam and Jamie? Look, I know we've each slept with both of them but I'm not about to go comparing notes, all right? Adam regrets cheating.
Jamie regrets getting caught.
Adam loves you.
He wants to stay with you.
I'm not sure I want to stay with him.
That should give me pleasure.
We're both losers in this.
No.
I am.
Twice.
Whether you are, that's still up to you.
Can't we go home? Ellie, you were fine when we were shopping for you.
Oh, look, there's Gareth! Whose are those kids? Well, his I'd imagine.
No, no, he doesn't have any.
Well, that looks like their gran.
Maybe he's their uncle.
- Go and ask him.
- No.
No.
Come on, let's just go.
Cool! Oh, Peter, you love! Ooh, this is just like the old days! I bet your Frank didn't wear a helmet.
No, and nine months later our Nikki was born.
One, two, three, take my hand and come with me Because you look so fine that I really wanna make you mine I said, are you gonna be my girl? They think the world of Pete, you know.
Is that why you brought me here? To show me the high esteem he's held in? No.
He is though, isn't he? I don't know what it is you want.
Neither do I, Mum.
I just know I don't want what I've got.
I know I want more.
"More"? It's what everybody wants now, isn't it? No-one's ever satisfied.
Then you get to our age and you realise just how fortunate you were and you wish you'd appreciated what you had while you still had it.
I can already feel my calves seizing up.
I'd offer to rub some Deep Heat into them but I think you'd run a mile.
Or hobble.
I'm sorry.
I should have called you.
I'm a grown-up, David.
And then some.
I can take rejection.
No, I like you enormously, Nikki.
You're warm, you're witty Wealthy, once my divorce comes through.
Well, that's the least of it.
Please understand, it's about me, not you.
I just can't continue seeing you.
- Cos - David! David it's time we were heading back.
Honestly, it's for the best.
Oh, thank you, David.
Oh, listen, just come home, Pete.
There's no point you not being there.
Being there? You said you'd rather I wasn't.
That was just the heat of the moment.
You also said that you've been feeling like this for months.
I mean, what would change? Nothing.
Nothing.
You'd only get more miserable.
Make life miserable for me and the kids.
Well, what is the alternative? That we accept that 12 years is our limit.
We called it quits then and I think we should do it again now.
Wait, so, sorry, are you saying that you want a divorce? That's what YOU said you wanted.
And I always, always give you what you want.
So, yes, Jen .
.
I want a divorce.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am rather busy.
I didn't go enough.
That was exactly why.
Hi.
I, er, I've got to go and do something.
Homework? Could be.
I saw Sarah.
She told me everything.
OK, can I just say one Can we not say anything else? You leapt from crumbling bridges Watching cityscapes turn to dust Shall we order starters? I'm not sure I'll be staying that long.
Who were the children I saw you with on the street? Oh.
My son and daughter.
- Ready to order? - Sorry.
We're going to need a minute.
Thanks very much.
Certainly.
We stayed up all night sharing our life stories.
At least, I did.
And you overlooked two children.
Wait.
Hear me out.
Look I didn't want to scare you off.
Their mum walked out on us.
I am a full-time father of two young children.
Most of my dates, when I mention that, feel a sudden need to use the loo, and I never see them again.
I don't blame them.
They think you're holding auditions for a new mum.
And I'm not.
I'm just looking for attractive, intelligent company.
That's why I was attracted to you.
And because you think I'm vain enough to fall for flattery? You lied.
You lied to me.
Oh, come on I don't think you've been fully open with me.
Would you like to order from the wine list? Not for me, thanks.
No.
But um I am ready to order a starter.
And a main.
Don't read too much into it.
I'm just hungry.
When you're feeling low I will be there too 'Daddy! Daddy!' Morning, Musketeers! Oh, here, did you manage to have that chat with Jenny? Do you get the distinct impression that Pathos isn't a morning type of guy? Yeah, well, no.
Great chatting with you.
Karen, you mustn't let what I'm about to say alarm you.
That is about the most alarming way you can start a conversation.
- You know Nikki? - Your new girlfriend.
- My ex.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, her husband, who she was leaving, is jealous and vindictive.
So why have you split up? Because her husband is jealous and vindictive.
He's warned me off.
Not like you to allow yourself to be bullied and you shouldn't.
Karen, he's threatened to harm our children.
- What?! - It's probably nothing.
- You've got to stop seeing her.
- I have.
But we were seen together again.
An unfortunate coincidence.
- Is this man serious? - Deadly.
No, not deadly! But he is capable of violence.
- David, you need to go to the police.
- And say what? He'll just deny it.
Look, I won't see her again - and he probably won't react.
- Stop saying "probably"! I just felt I ought to tell you.
But there's probably nothing to worry about.
You need to talk to him, get it sorted.
Do something, for God's sake! - I will.
I am.
Ellie! - Hey, Dad.
- Can I go into town tonight? - No! You get this sorted, David.
Or I will! My resignation.
Snap.
You're quitting? - It's your company.
- It's Sarah's resignation.
I don't know what's been going on between you two.
I can imagine, though given your age, I'd rather not.
I don't want to lose you both.
And she insisted I accept hers.
You might catch her before she leaves.
Sarah.
Sarah.
I was hoping to be gone before I saw you.
You lied for me.
To Tina.
Because I told you the truth.
I do care for you, Adam.
At least that's one good thing to come out of this.
I've found I've a greater capacity for love than hate.
Here.
Something to remember me by.
You were always stealing mine.
I'm sorry, Sarah.
What for? I don't know.
Yeah.
Maybe if things were different, eh? Another time, another place.
Goodbye, Adam.
You might want to wipe my lipstick off your cheek.
Robbie! - Great to see you again.
- And you, David.
I was surprised to get your call.
When I left prison, I said I'd keep in touch.
- Yeah, but you haven't.
- I know, but - I've been thinking about your little problem.
- With George.
Will you come with me to see him? Act as your muscle? If I thought it would do any good.
But suppose we beat the shit out of him.
Think that would be the end of it? No.
Probably just the start.
You need to show him who's boss.
He pulls a knife, you pull a gun.
Sends one of yours to the hospital, send one of his to the morgue.
You really think it could come to that? I'm quoting The Untouchables.
Kevin Costner, Sean Connery? I haven't seen it.
It's probably just as well.
So here's my question.
How far are you prepared to go to protect your family? I'll do anything.
It's my family.
Oh, my God! - Is it loaded? - Without bullets, David, a gun is just a paperweight.
You don't have to use it.
You just need to impress upon him that you're prepared to.
I'm not a violent man, Robbie.
David.
It's your family.
"Sperm concentration, fair; motility, good.
" - It's a bit like the shipping forecast, isn't it? - Well, they both have an impact on seamen! Presumably you spoke to your GP and she's explained what all this means.
Yeah.
She says that with a fair wind, a following sea, there's a reasonable chance I'll knock you up.
- Reasonable? - "Fair to moderate, decreasing later.
" Yeah.
It's good news.
It is, yeah.
It is good news.
So why aren't you punching the air? I am.
I am inside.
It's just I don't know, Pete Maybe it's because I scraped through.
I'm used to being good at things.
Only you could be competitive about a sperm test! Or maybe it's Look, you know when you're in a restaurant - and torn between two dishes - Halloumi and whitebait.
- What? - When we go Greek, I can never decide on a starter.
- Cos I love them both.
- No, exactly! And it doesn't matter what dish you choose - Halloumi.
- Halloumi.
.
.
there's always a part of you that thinks you would have been better off with the whitebait.
- You can always have whitebait next time.
- There isn't a next time.
Well, you hope there won't be.
We do love Greek food.
No, it's an analogy.
About Tina and Sarah.
Oh.
Gareth may say he's not looking for a mum for his kids and I'm sure he means that but honestly, at their age, that's bound to be how they see a new woman in his life, isn't it? And do I really want to go back to that stage of bringing up a family? I'm looking forward to being out the other side.
It's so much easier when you're younger.
You just meet somebody that you like, your hormones kick in.
Bit of dry rubbing.
Bingo.
Middle age, Jen, it's messy.
I can't help it.
I I feel sorry for Sarah.
No, it's Tina I feel sorry for.
You need to forget Sarah and take whitebait off the menu.
No, forget the analogy.
- Or go on a diet.
- Forget it! Have you made any progress with Jen? 'I'm not sure you'd call it progress as such.
' He's announced he wants a divorce.
- What? - It's your fault.
- Mine? - Yeah, it was your idea.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what'll make her happy any more.
Stop being a doormat for starters! You let her walk all over you.
- I've left home.
- That's just a hissy fit.
Stand up for yourself instead of trying to please her all the time.
Then she might have some respect for you.
I said grow a pair, not demand a divorce! You eejit! Do you really think you'd be happier without him? I think I could be, yeah.
Because you nearly were, you know.
What? OK Last year He got so low that he considered suicide What are you talking about? He took himself off to a quarry, stood on the edge, thought about jumping.
- I don't believe you.
- He told me so himself.
He didn't He didn't say anything to me.
Cos he didn't want you to know.
It was only you and the kids that stopped him from stepping off.
- Oh, shit.
- Take it.
Talk to him.
- I don't know what to say.
- Oh, for - Pete.
- Is Jen there? Adam's in hospital.
Yeah, he's been beaten up.
Tell Jen to meet me at A&E.
You know, you scared the shit out of us.
What actually happened? - We were out for a drink.
- Whoa, you're underage.
There were some lads hassling me.
Yeah, I could see that she didn't like it.
So told them to do one.
Yeah.
Three of them.
All bigger than him.
Adam came to back me up.
- And I was the one who got hit.
- I owe you, mate.
Sounds like you two.
Well, we did used to get into a bit of bother.
You were the one that always got smacked.
The next generation.
Younger, not wiser.
You understood you weren't to see Nikki again! It was a coincidence, that's all.
- And I'm not seeing her.
- Bullshit! The two of you are laughing at me behind my back.
No-one does that! Lift your threat to harm my family.
Or what? Or you'll see just how far I'll go.
Oh, what're you gonna do, eh? Report me to the police, write a letter to the papers? - You've got no idea who you're dealing with.
- Oh, but I have, George.
You're a wife beater and a bully.
I've known your type all my life.
Intimidating people to mask your inadequacy.
You pompous twat! I've warned you, George! I've warned I just shat myself! Silly little sod.
Yeah.
Still, puts things in perspective, though, doesn't it? Realising how close you can come to losing somebody you love.
Let's not be melodramatic, Jen.
I'm talking about you.
Last year.
- Adam's told you.
- You should have.
I'll kill him.
Why? For trying to save our marriage? I don't want to get a divorce.
I don't want you to stay with me out of pity.
I wouldn't.
You know, it makes you think.
I don't think I thought it all through.
Let's start again, yeah? Press reset.
But do it differently.
So we can get through the next 12 years.
But how do we do that? Draw up a new marriage contract.
We'll have to negotiate terms, mind.
I know I haven't been blameless.
Oh, Pete Look, here's what I'll do.
I'll support you more in your ambitions.
I won't pay you lip service.
I'll be on board properly.
Actually, that is my first demand.
Well, great.
Let's do this.
Let's get a pen and paper.
I think there's some under the magazine.
Can I have some water? Yeah, yeah.
Here, here.
I'll get it.
- David.
- Sit.
So, I went home to pick up some stuff and George filled me in on your little spat.
And what caused it.
Is that the reason you didn't want to see me any more? It's the only reason.
It's no longer the 19th century, boys.
You no longer get to decide my fate.
So, George, we are getting divorced.
David will handle our financial settlement, representing both our interests.
And I will continue seeing him.
And if you have issue with any of that then I will let our children know exactly what kind of a man their father can be.
Did you put her up to this? No.
No, you haven't got the balls.
But she has.
Good luck.
Meet a friend of Daddy's first.
- Karen, this is Millie.
- Hello.
- And this is Arthur.
- Hi.
- He's my brother.
- Is he? Well, this is Olivia.
She's my daughter.
- Hi.
- Shall we go and play football? - Yeah, come on! Sweet.
You're under no obligation to meet them again.
I'd just like them to know who I mean when I talk of Daddy's girlfriend.
Why would I ever surface again? To be outshone and eclipsed by your invisible friend Sorry, everyone! Parking was a nightmare.
Right, shall we get started? Have you cut yourself shaving? No, I was just dealing with my little problem.
It's all sorted.
As they say.
So, welcome, everyone.
This is the very spot in this great city where, Pete tells me, he asked Jenny to marry him - for the second time.
- That's true.
So it seems fitting we're gathered here today for this renewal of their vows.
Now, when they asked me to officiate You promised you wouldn't go on.
Is there much of this? I've just got a couple of pages.
And a hymn.
- Hymns?! - Will Your Anchor Hold.
- It's the Boys' Brigade anthem.
It's a classic.
- I'm on a meter.
OK, all right.
Right, let's cut to the chase.
Pete, come on.
Come up here.
Pete and I just wanted to say a few words to each other.
Um, do you want to go first? No, no, you go first.
OK! Pete at times you really piss me off.
Seriously.
You know, the way you sing one line of a song over and over again, chew your toenail clippings I mean, who does that? .
.
think you're funnier than me.
The crap impressions you do of me when I'm cross The OK.
But we have come this far together.
It would seem a hell of a waste to chuck it away now.
It's not going to be easy.
We're going to both have to change to accommodate each other, but I'm so willing to try.
Cos I don't want to lose you.
Ever.
We're family.
Wait, wait.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
We're family.
We've got each other's backs.
You are my everything, for better or worse.
Pete.
I love you, Jen.
OK.
Hang on! Hang on! Hang on.
There's, there's There's one thing I need to say.
Um Pete and Jen I love you two.
Both individually and together.
But more together.
Because you're greater than the sum of your parts.
We all are.
Whether we're family or friends We're a community.
Indivisible.
Blimey.
That's deep for him.
I think he got it off the internet.
You and Pete, you're like a barnacle on a ship's hull - That bit's him.
- You're fused together.
You never split up.
- Well, except we already did.
- Yeah, but it didn't last.
It couldn't.
That's what we're all searching for.
The certainty .
.
that our destinies are bound together.
Oh, come here, you big softie! The three amigos.
Yes, hello.
Hello.
This is about me and him! OK.
Me and you.
Mmm.
That was lovely, what you said.
- Thank you.
- Heartfelt.
But you couldn't say that about us, though, could you? That we're destined to be together.
We don't know yet.
Don't we? I think we both really want it to be true.
It doesn't mean that it is, though, does it? Or ever will be.
You asked me if I still have feelings for Sarah.
The truth is I don't know.
But .
.
that scares the shit out of me.
I should never have asked you to move in with me.
If it ain't broke Don't fuck it up.
One thing that's changed, though.
I know that I want a baby.
But I don't think we should.
I don't want to split up.
Me neither.
But I think we should.
Yeah.
Eh, who knows? We might find that we can't bear to be apart.
We're gonna Oh.
We're going to make a move.
Yeah.
I think I'll come with you.
I'm just gonna stay here for a while.
- What, on your own? - Yeah.
OK.
If that's what you want.
I guess we'll find out.
Come on.
See you.
Did you heed my warning? This is the time of times Ooh ooh-ooh Ooh ooh-ooh This is the time of times There's a teardrop on your shoulder Says this is the time of times It's the time of times Again The time of times Ooh ooh-ooh Yeah, this is the time of times