Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e06 Episode Script

Gillian Jacobs Wears A Red Dress With Sail Boats

- Hey, reggie, you excited for tonight's show? Big one.
Gillian jacobs.
- I am so excited.
But I just thought of something.
I hope nothing bad happens during it.
- I'm gonna do you one better.
I hope nothing bad happens ever again Until the end of time.
- Well, I disagree.
I hope ten more bad things happen before the end of time.
- Five bad things.
Both: 7.
5.
- Okay, but as long as one of the bad things Is a guy's walking his dog and he gets sprayed by a skunk.
- Deal.
- [choking] help me! - This can't be happening.
- Huh? - [growls] - No! [sobbing] why? Why? [soul music] - [inhales] It's comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! - Featuring me, reggie watts.
- comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! uh-huh - Hey there, welcome to comedy bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
Gillian jacobs is here, as well as chef emeril luigi.
I'm scott aukerman, and you know, A lot of people ask me, "hey, how do I get my own tv show?" [chuckles] well, you know what? It comes down to the three p's--practice, practice, And I forget the other one.
I think it's phonograph.
I don't know.
I'll think of it later.
Anyway, in the meantime, Let's say hi to our good friend, reggie watts.
- [plays mellow keyboard music] [giggling] oh, stop that.
- No, I don't want to stop it.
I never want to stop it.
- Oh, yeah, me neither.
- Reggie, who is this? - This is my girlfriend amber, scott.
- Amber, like the rock, 'cause I love to rock! - Uh, I'm pretty sure amber Is just fossilized tree resin, not a rock.
Reggie.
- Huh? - You never told me you had a girlfriend.
- Yeah, don't you remember? I said I met her a week ago.
Hey, scott, I met a girl last night.
- No way.
Oh, yeah, I remember you telling me that.
- Hey, reggie, I don't like when you play the piano With both hands, because then you can't stroke my hair.
- [chuckles] I can do both, baby.
- Yeah.
- [plays discordant notes] [both laugh] - Ugh, all right, we'll check back with you later, reggie.
Thanks.
Well, anyway, the show tonightgonna be-- - Hey, scott, I got to tell you About this blind date I went on last night.
- Oh, hey, it's bookie, our talking book.
What's that, bookie? You went on a blind date? - Yeah, my friend, jane austen's emma, set us up.
I thought I was meeting this real hot number, A thin, little novella, but [distant rumbling] - [heaves] [throaty voice] heya, toots.
- Well, I'm sorry, bookie, I know how hard it is to find a good book.
Have you tried the library? [chuckles] - Eh, I still got under her dust jacket, If you know what I mean.
- You're disgusting.
All right.
Well, let's get to our first guest.
You may know her from the television program Comedy bang! Bang! Oh, she's on it right now.
Please welcome gillian jacobs.
Reggie.
- Oh, yeah, one second.
[playing mellow hip-hop music] yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
- It's so nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Come on in.
- Yeah.
That's what's up.
Word.
Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, gillian - So, scott.
- I want to call you "jillian," And I defy you to give me one reason why I can't.
- Uh, my mother, martina jacobs, won't let you.
- Do you think you would have been as popular If you had been named "jillian gacobs?" So I think it would only have been up from gillian jacobs.
- Oh.
- I was voted "most likely to win an oscar," Scott aukerman.
- You were? - Yeah.
- And, how is that going? - Well, so far, no good.
- So, gillian.
- Yes.
- A lot of people would know you From the tv show community.
- Mm-hmm.
- Please tell me if this question is crazy Or sounds insane or whatever, But did you sense any sort of community With your fellow cast members on the show? - Not at all, scot not at all.
- You've worked with chevy chase.
Am I a better talk show host than him? - Um, I've never seen his show, So I would have to go with you.
- Have you seen my show? - No.
- Excuse me a second.
Guys? - Huh? - Could you just try to keep it-- - Keep it "g," rated "g"? - Yeah.
"pg.
" - No, she said "g," not "pg.
" - Yeah, but I'm-- I raised the stakes.
- Yeah.
- So - Yes? - I don't know anything about you, But I want to guess where you're from - Okay.
- And you say hot or cold, Depending on the climate in the city that I guess, okay? - OhOkay.
- Minneapolis, minnesota.
- Cold.
- Very good.
Uh, cabo san lucas.
- Hot.
- Pittsburgh, pennsyania.
- Cold and hot.
- I don't-- I don't think so.
Like, during the summer, do you mean? - Yeah, it gets very hot there during the summer.
- Oh, okay.
I don't know.
I give up.
- I'm from pittsburgh, pennsylvania, scott.
- Why didn't you tell me I was right? - Well, I said, "cold and hot," enthusiastically.
I thought that would be a clue.
- That's not how you play the game.
That's cool.
- And hot.
- So, reggie, any questions for gillian? - Go ahead, ask it.
- Um, is it true that, um, Amber--that's me-- Once barfed in pittsburgh? - That sounds more like a question for you.
- Amber, did you barf in pittsrgh? - I did.
- [laughs] - And it froze, so it's cold there.
- So, gillian, I've always wanted to ask you, What is your favorite food? - Mm, sandwiches.
It's got to be sandwiches.
- Me, too.
I love them.
That reminds me, did, uh-- it's a weird question.
Did you, uh--did you eat my egg salad sandwich? - What? No.
- It's just I brought in an egg salad sandwich To work today, and I left it On the craft service table, And someone here must have eaten it, So I thought, you love sandwiches so much, maybe you - Couldn't have been me.
I'm allergic to eggs.
- You're sure you're allergic to eggs? - Sure, I am.
- And you couldn't have eaten my sandwich? - I'd be dead, scott.
- Huh.
[dark, brooding music] All right, well, you say you didn't eat it.
You didn't eat it.
I believe you.
- Mmm, this is a good egg salad sandwich, And the fact that it's scott's Makes it all the more delectable.
Thank god I have no allergies so I can eat whatever I want! - Hey.
- Oh.
- Is that my sandwich? - Sure is.
- Uh, so you admit you sle it? - I certainly do.
- Gilly.
- Sorry.
- Hey, tell you what.
I'm gonna have you on the show in a half hour.
I'm gonna ask you about this.
Promise to fess up? - I sure will.
- Thanks, pal.
- Hmm.
Oh, and by the way, scott, that is a clip from my film In which I play a girl who steals an egg salad sandwich, And the title of the film is earlier that day.
- Of course, yeah, and I'm sorry I didn't give you the chance To set up the clip before we rolled it--that's my bad.
I think it's really a coincidence that in the movie, You play a character who does eat my sandwich When, in real life, you did not eat my sandwich.
- It's very weird, but just to reiterate, In real life, I am very allergic to eggs.
Like, if I eat an egg, I will die.
[choking] help me! - Huh? - This can't be happening.
- [sobbing] why? Why? - Who was in the coffin? I'm chris hardwick.
Stay tuned after comedy bang! Bang! Tonight for comedy talk! Talk! Where snl's nasim pedrad and jacoby shaddix of papa roach Will be joining me to discuss Tonight's groundbreaking episode.
Until then, though, we want to hear from you.
Who was in the coffin? If you think reggie's in the coffin, Tweet #reggiewatts.
If you think tonight's guest, tweet #tonightsguest.
If you think it's bookie, tweet #bookie.
And if you think it's locke from lost, Tweet #baldguyfrom666parkavenue.
But no matter what, make sure to also include #cbbtv, #whosinthecoffin and #guessthecorpsecontest.
Otherwise, your vote won't be counted.
The winner gets a free bucket of backyard bourbon burgers.
All right, guys, we'll see you right after the show.
Bang on, folks.
- [choking] help me! - This can't be happening.
- Huh? - [growls] - No! [sobbing] why? Why? [upbeat music] [music slows down] - Sorry.
Well, welcome back to comedy bang! Bang! We're here with gillian jacobs, And it's time for a little feature on the show That I like to call-- - Hey, scott.
- Reggie.
- Amber's got some really cool ideas That'll improve the show.
- Yeah.
- Reggie, I hate to say this, But amber, you're turning out to be a real yoko.
- Awesome.
- Who's that? - [scoffs] all right, let's hear your ideas.
- So I just jotted down some things In my notebook about how to make your show awesome.
Okay, first of all, scott, You're on camera more than reggie, And I think we can all agree that that ratio needs to change.
- Oh, boy, here we go.
- I think that you, scott, Need to be on camera, like, Way, way more, And reggie needs to be on camera way, way less.
- How would that help the show? Come on, amber.
Next.
- Okay, right now you've got reggie singing, Like, during every single commercial.
I mean, don't you think that maybe you should sing? Um, in fact, I don't think reggie should be around At all.
- Isn't she great, scott? - Well, I don't like this at all, and in fact, I hope I don't have to deal with this later in the show.
Anyway, let's get to the rest of the show.
It's time for a little piece we like to call, "on this day in history.
" - on this day in history - Yeah! 'cause history happened on a day ah! - Ugh.
All right, well, on this day in history back in the 1920s, Billionaire tycoon roger pencygast Lost his entire fortune in just a matter of hours.
Boy, I wonder what it was like back then.
['20s music playing] - Ah, an excellent vintage, edward.
- Roger, what is that peculiar painting? - Ugh, it's by some terrible artist My wife insisted we buy.
His name is "something" picasso.
Ugh! [laughs] this will never be worth a penny.
[glass shatters] I'm thinking of giving all of my money To this fellow in america, "something" ponzi.
- Oh, I've heard he has quite a good scheme.
Oh, what is this? - Oh, it was invented By some idiot named "something" pillsbury.
It's bread that has already been sliced.
Bleh! [glass shatters] disgusting.
- Sliced bread is the worst thing since Picasso.
- [laughs] yes, I believe you may be right on that score, My dear friend, edward.
Well, gentlemen, I had a thought.
What if there were a thing Called "the national basketball association"? - No.
- What? - It would be most unpopular.
- Or a player named michael jordan.
- Or--or a thing called "the internet.
" - No, no, the wi-fi would be far too speedy.
- Look at these stupid dollars.
These things will never be worth a penny.
All: No.
- Burn them! Burn tm! - Yes! Yes! - Yes, burn them! [laughs] - I'm a genius.
- Yeah, he lost his entire fortune By setting fire to it.
It really makes you think.
You have to live each day like it's your last.
- That's a really good point, scott.
When you have a deadly egg allergy like I do, You just never know.
You know, any day, I could accidentally Take a bite of an egg and fall down dead, So I really got to live it up while I'm on This big, blue marble I like to call "pertinkertink.
" - Reggie, don't you think that's really good advice That scott gave about living each day like it's your last, Getting all your affairs in order and stuff like that? 'cause you never know.
today could be your last day on earth [laughing maniacally] - This can't be happening.
- No! [sobbing] why? Why? - [choking] help me! - This can't be happening.
- Huh? - [growls] - No! [sobbing] why? Why? [both laughing, playing keyboard badly] - Welcome back to the show.
Reggie, come on.
- [baby voice] um, reggie, I'm cold.
Can you get me a java triple mochaccino? - Oh, anything for you, angel.
- Mm.
- Hey, while I'm out, do you want me to get you some tampons? I'll do it, because that's how much I love you.
Extra large, right? - Gross.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye-bye, bye-bye, ba ba Scott, we gotta get rid of reggie.
- Get rid of reggie? Well, what do you mean? - Well, let's just say that Instead of playing the synths in the studio, He was strumming a harp on a cloud.
- Reggie doesn't play the harp.
I mean, his fingers are too thick and unwieldy.
- Okay, never mind.
Let's just say That instead of going to sleep in his bed, He went to sleep in the ground, six feet below the earth.
- How would you get a bed six feet below the earth? Amber, make sense! - Let's just say that instead of being The band leader on your tv show, he is dead in a coffin.
- What? - Oh, my god.
Okay, he's coming back, so just be cool.
- What, what, I don't-- be cool.
- [sighs] - hey, babe.
- Hey, oh, you scared me.
- Here's your coffee, And I got you a year's supply of tampons--12 of them.
- Sweet.
- All right, well, It's time to welcome our next guest to the show.
He is the author of the cookbook steaks, not stakes! Please welcome chef emeril luigi.
Hi, chef luigi, so nice to meet you.
- Uh, it's actually pronounced "lugosi.
" - Chef lugosi.
- Yes, it is.
- Hey, wait a minute, are you-- are you a vampire chef? - Yes, I am.
[teeth clink] - Well, it's so nice to meet you, my goodness.
- Oh, thank you so much for having me.
- Tell me about your book here.
- It's called steaks, not stakes! [laughter] A vampire chef's guide to backyard barbecues.
- Very good, very good.
All right, well, thank you so much for coming.
- Oh, thank you for inviting me.
After all, it's the only way I can get in.
[both laugh] Wonderful.
All right, so tell me about this food.
I am really eyeing these burgers right here.
- Oh, what you're looking at Are my classic backyard bourbon burgers.
- Oh, fantastic.
- What's on these? - What I've got here is a traditional american hamburger That I put a little something special on.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Bourbon-marinated onions.
- Ooh.
- Pop those right on top.
They really sparkle in your mouth.
- I bet that you like to serve these, uh, very rare.
- No, actually, you want them cooked To an internal temperature of about 160-- - No, no, no, no, no.
Because, uh, you-- you want them bloody.
- No, you want them, like, pink all the way through.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- No, I know what you're trying to do.
I'm trying to tell you how to cook meat responsibly.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay? - All right, okay.
We--we--we don't mean to imply that.
- When you're at a backyard barbecue, I want you enjoying this burger And getting all the way to the pie, Not having to go to the bathroom Or out in the woods and have, like, a watery shit.
I'm just looking out for you.
I understand.
I understand.
- No, I understand.
Okay, let's continue.
- Great.
- So what kind of bun is it? - Okay, it's a honey wheat bun on these right here.
- Not garlic bread? - What? No.
Garlic bread on a-- - Garlic bread.
- Oh, I see.
- It's a--what is that? Not your fang? - Ha! - [laughs] - You understand that's ludicrous, right? I'm 600 years old.
Think before you speak.
I get it.
You and your writers came up with a bunch Of dumb puns for this, but guess what? - Look, man, you're the one - I've heard them all before.
- Who called your book, steaks, not stakes! - Okay, no, the publisher called it that.
They said we needed a hook to drive online sales.
I don't know.
- Well, I'm sure the jokes are really driving you batty.
- Ha! - [laughs] - Hey, guy, listen.
One more vampire joke, And I'm gonna walk right back there, Go into my coffin, and I'm not coming out, okay? - Sorry.
- My agent should have told you, I don't like this shit.
- Well, that's your cross to bear.
- [snickers] [ominous organ music] - [growls] - This can't be happening.
- Huh? - No! [sobbing] why? Why? - What did you expect? - [choking] help me! - This can't be happening.
- Huh? - [growls] - No! - Oh, my god, how is this gonna end? - I mean, that whole coffin thing.
Who is in that coffin? - I don't know, but what I do know Is that this is fantastic television.
- I mean, one thing is for sure, I am going to buy every single product Advertised during this program.
- Why not? After all, this show appeals To the lucrative - Oh, shh, it's starting.
- I love you, baby.
[dance music] - Welcome back to the show.
We're here with our guests, Gillian jacobs and chef emeril lugosi.
And, uh, boy, those look great.
- Oh, don't they? Gillian, have you tried one of my backyard bourbon burgers? - No, I have not, but I would love one.
Do you have anything with which to wash them down? - Oh, yeah, I've got some of my nosferatu nectar wine coolers Over there somewhere, I'll grab you one.
- A nectar, like a neck.
- Hey, man, I asked you not to do that anymore.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay? So shut it down.
- Okay.
- Reggie, will you have some of this water? I prepared it for you.
- Thanks, babe.
Hey, before I forget, here's your camera back.
Thanks for letting me borrow it.
- Thanks, but where's my flash? - Flash? - I gave you it with the flash, and you didn't give it back.
I need my flash back.
- Flash back? - I don't think reggie should be around at all.
Today could be your last day on earth.
Let's just say that instead of being The band leader on your tv show, he is dead.
- Hey, scott, um, Do you think this would be a good poison to kill reggie with? 'cause it looks just like water.
- Amber, I don't care, okay? I think amber might be trying to kill reggie.
- Oh, my god! This burger tastes terrible! Quick, get me a wine cooler! - I'm looking for them! Oh, there they are! [growls] - [choking] help me! - [cackling] - Reggie, no! - Huh? - [laughing] - This can't be happening.
- No! Reggie! - [gagging] - gillian.
Ugh! - Ahh.
- What are you doing, man? My girl made me that water.
- That was no water, reggie.
It was poison.
Look! [crackling] - Oh, my god, scott, you're right.
Amber, what the hell? - I did it for love, okay? I did it for you, scott.
I'm gonna write you every day! - Wow.
Well, that was something--something else.
- Well, at least nobody got seriously hurt.
Or worse yet, died.
- Oh, it would have been really sad if someone had died.
[chuckles] Hey, you guys mind helping me put some of these toppings In my, uh, coffin over here so I can get out of here? - For you, anything.
- Careful, it's full of onions.
- [sobbing] why? Why? - What did you expect? After all, I'm a vampire chef, So where else would I keep my onions? - Are these onions making everyone tear up like this? - Whew.
- Oh God, why does the episode have to end like this With us staring down into a casket full of onions? - Oh, my god! - It was onions! - It's brilliant.
- Ha! Oh, my god! - Now, I know it's unprecedented To give a tony award to a half-hour episode of a tv show, But then again, they had never given an oscar or a grammy To a tv show either, and it's already won those.
And so, completing its egot, The tony goes to the "it was onions" episode Of, that's right, comedy bang! Bang! [cheers and applause] - [speaking gibberish alien language] - [speaks gibberish alien language] - [grunting, snorting] [richard strauss's also sprach zarathustra plays] [motor runs] [clatters] - The wolf dead.