Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e07 Episode Script
Andy Richter Wears A Suit Jacket & A Baby Blue Button Down Shirt
[soft orchestration.]
- Hey, there, it's scott and reggie, And this week, we're taking comedy bang! Bang! On the road and doing a show from new york city! - Yeah! - Hey, look, It's new york's michael ian black.
- Hi, scott.
Hi, reggie.
Listen, I'd love to show you guys around the town.
- Yeah! [big band music.]
- there's a place captivates and enthralls me [laughter.]
- I'm so excited to show you guys this bagel shop.
I think you're really gonna love it.
- broadway glitter, real pizzazz hit the village - Only in new york, reggie.
- Only in new york.
lotsa noise with lotsa notes am I blue? - Eat up, eat up.
- All right.
- I don't think I can finish mine.
- recipes for connoisseurs - [mouth full.]
I want more cream cheese.
Hot dogs! Mmm.
- Really painful.
[both groaning.]
- Mmm, look.
- Oh, god.
- [groans.]
- Ugh.
- my town my new yo-o-ork - Ugh.
- Only in new york.
- I can't.
- [laughs.]
[ethereal noises, droning and echoing.]
- [laughs.]
- [whimpers.]
I don't want pizza.
- Pizza, pizza, pizza.
- I don't want pizza.
- [laughs.]
- [shouting gibberish.]
Ugh.
- Wait, guys, don't go.
There's an amazing pizza place I want to take you to in the village.
- Screw you! No more new york episode.
We're going home.
- Wait, but guys! I forgot to take you to the statue of liberty.
- Bah! - There's a great hot dog cart Halfway up her dress! [as woody allen.]
"halfway up her dress," he says.
- new york [soul music.]
- [inhales.]
- It's comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! - Featuring me, reggie watts.
- comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! uh-huh - Hey, there.
Welcome to comedy bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
Andy richter is here, As well as political cartoonist tom perdy.
I'm scott aukerman, And I thought I'd begin tonight's show By taking you on a little tour of the set.
So--okay, well, obviously, this is where I sit.
This is where the guest sits, and Uh, yeah, I feel like I'm forgetting something.
I guess that's it.
Oh, hey, speaking of forgetting something, Let's say hi to our good friend reggie watts.
[fast, cacophonous piano music.]
Oh, hi, reggie.
Kind of a weird song.
- It's just really fast, so it's hard to hear What it sounds like at the regular speed.
- Could you maybe slow it down? - Fine.
[smooth jazz music.]
[music ends.]
- I kind of prefer that, actually.
- You would.
- Oh, hey.
I meant to ask you, are you into sports? - Uh, yeah, I mean, I'm a big fan of ball sports And some stick sports.
- Oh, cool.
I like basketball.
Do you want to bet? - Well, I don't bet on ball games.
- Oh, do you bet on stick games? - Yeah, stick games for sure.
- Like hockey? - Yeah.
Like, I bet a player this season Is gonna pick a puck off the ice And bite into it like a donut.
- Okay.
- And No one's gonna think it's weird.
- Oh, I will definitely take that bet.
How much are you laying down? - $8 million.
- Ooh, too rich for my blood.
All right, thanks, reggie.
I'll check back with you later.
- With you later.
- What? - I'll check back with me later.
- I'll check back with you later.
I should do it.
- Okay.
- All right, well, speaking of money, It's time once again to step into the lion's den.
[dramatic jungle music.]
[lion roaring and scratching.]
In the lion's den, we speak to potential entrepreneurs About their ideas in which they'd like us to invest.
First up is larry jetski, A stay-at-home dad from north carolina.
- Thank you for this opportunity.
My investment idea is inspired by my son terry, Who tragically was hit by a car And will spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair.
Did you know that there is a severe lack of handicap ramps In the United States? This got me thinking, "what if there were a wheelchair That could actually climb the stairs?" But I'm not a scientist or an engineer, So I couldn't do it.
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you [gulps loudly.]
My invention.
It's a teddy bear, that, as you can see, Is wearing the same red hat that I am wearing.
Yes, my son's condition is depressing, But when I look at this bear, he cheers me right up.
Now, what I'm looking for is a $17-million investment For a 10% stake in my company, larry's little bearys.
- Larry, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Okay, I like you.
I think you're a really smart guy.
- I am.
- But I kind of feel like You went halfway on the idea.
- It is a very, very delightful golden-colored bear.
It has a hat that's similar to yours.
It's very small, therefore, it makes it cute, But why stop there? Why not add some green pants, Like the ones you're wearing, to that bear? - Also, is the bear tea resistant? For example, if I'm having a tea party With my little teddy bear, I want to make sure That if I spill tea on him, it doesn't stain.
You see? - I can assure you, this bear Is 100% tea stain resistant.
And I almost forgot the best part: Teddy bears that look just like you.
[both chuckle.]
- now, this was challenging Because you don't wear red hats.
- Hmm.
- Scott.
- [chuckles.]
[playing piano notes.]
[both chuckle.]
- I don't think that this is something that we-- - No, it's really not-- - you know, this is not--no.
Larry, we'd like to invest.
Congratulations, you've made it out Of the lion's den unscathed.
- My son, terry, is not gonna believe this.
- Thank you, larry.
- Thank you.
[gulps loudly.]
[lion roaring and scratching.]
- All right, let's get to our first guest.
He is the star of a talk show, But he's gonna turn this show into a walk show By walking out here and talking to us.
Please welcome andy richter.
[soul music.]
- na na na - Hi, there's that walk.
- na na na no, no, no, no, no na na na - good job.
- no, no, no, no, no - good guy.
- na na na no, no, no, no, no - Come on back here.
- na na na no, no, no, no, no - There's-- there's nobody pictures.
- no, no, no - all right.
- na-- [music ends abruptly.]
- Mm.
- Hi.
- Hi, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you for having me.
- So andy, right off the bat - Mm-hmm? - Am I funnier than conan? - Um, sure.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
- What do you think about reggie? - Reggie's funnier than you.
Yeah, that's definitely the case.
- Did--do that again.
- Reggie, what were you doing there? You were pulling something towards you? - I thought you were doing, like, a rabbit magician, Pulling a tablecloth out from under a set table.
- Yeah.
- That's good too.
- Andy.
- Yes? Please, don't touch me! - I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
- Please, don't touch me.
[bones crunching.]
ow! - [laughs.]
- So tell me a little bit about yourself.
Where'd you go to college? [ominous music.]
[whispering.]
you okay? - I'm thinking.
The classes were indoors.
- Uh-huh.
- And there was a lady.
- A lady teaching the class, or just a lady next to you? - No wait, I'm thinking of when I was born.
- Oh.
- And the lady was my mother.
- You remember when you were born? - I do, I do.
- Tell me about that.
- Uh, I-- - who cares about where You went to college? - I refer to that As the day all the [bleep.]
started.
- [laughs.]
- How 'bout you? Where'd you go to college? - None of your [bleep.]
damn business! - It is my [bleep.]
damn business! I'm sitting right here! - That's not the question chair, that's the answer chair.
- Well, let's switch.
- Oh, okay.
Ugh.
Never sat on this before.
- Do you have hemorrhoids? - Yeah.
- 'cause there's an obvious kind of weird Cushiony ring thing going on.
- Yeah.
Do you want to switch back? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Ahh.
- Ahh, that's better.
- Andy, you hit a home run at the 2009 taco bell All-star legends and celebrity softball game.
- [laughs.]
- Were you juicing? - No, no, I was just-- - Now's the time to come clean.
- It was the pressure Of something being affiliated with taco bell.
If it had been, you know, like, a celebrity surgery event, I would've tried to save someone's life.
- Have you ever done a celebrity surgery event? - Oh, no, no.
I don't think they exist.
- Give me your best talk show laugh When someone tells a really funny story, if you would.
- [hearty laugh.]
- You could take some lessons from this guy, reggie.
- [odd, strained laugh.]
- See, that's good, 'cause mine draws attention to me.
His blends right in.
- So I understand that you had A really interesting plane ride recently.
Is that-- - Oh, "interesting" isn't the word for it.
- [laughs.]
- um, we hit some turbulence.
I had a drink, it went all over me, Ruined my best suit.
I just had to throw it away.
- That's it? - Yeah.
- I just-- when you told this story To our segment producer during the pre-interview, The way that she relayed it to me was so funny.
I just thought-- - oh.
- Actually, could we get her out here? Do you mind coming out here to tell the story? - Yes, hello, hi.
Okay, so this one is on a red-eye to new york city.
- [laughs.]
- and the dang plane Starts to shake shake, shake - [laughs.]
- shake, shake, shake you've got turbulence [laughter.]
So here comes the flight attendant.
She's walking--"oh, can I take your drink order?" And this guy right here, he orders a bloody mary.
- Do--do his voice, though.
- [nerdy voice.]
"uh, excuse me, Can I get a bloody mary?" - [laughs.]
- This plane is like the camerawork In the bourne identity series.
- [laughs.]
- it's shaky! It is shaky.
- [laughs.]
- And splash! Tomato niagara falls.
Outfit go bye-bye! [asian accent.]
tomato stain no looky so good on tv show! [gong ringing.]
ha ha.
- Thank you.
[laughs.]
Oh, okay, so--do you have any plans coming up For the downtime? - Uh, yeah, actually, we're going to fiji-- - I'm not asking you.
I'm asking her, actually.
- Okay, absolutely.
I am gonna be spending my time In luxurious burbank, california - [laughs.]
- where my home is.
- [laughing.]
"home.
" - my husband, jeez-- I'll tell you, don, he thinks he is a freakin' handyman.
But he is no ty pennington.
- [laughs.]
- Although, I wish he was.
Hubba hubba, mommy likey! [trilling tongue.]
- [laughs.]
Like, I'm gonna bust a gut here.
Oh, my god! - Um Can I just plug my film now? - Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, let's do that.
Your new film, the wedding party, Is coming out right-- it should be-- - Yeah, I actually-- I play a longtime bachelor Who's finally gonna take the plunge.
- Okay, yeah, let's just see the clip.
- I can't believe todd's getting married.
- I know! A cad like him, I'd be surprised If he could stick with one woman for the rest of his life.
- I know, I mean, what is the deal with weddings anyway? I mean you got this flower girl who's like, [child's voice.]
"I'm sorry, what am I doing here?" You got these old people who are like, [elderly voice.]
"my daughter's leaving me!" I mean, come on, can we get on with the ceremony? - [uproarious laughter.]
[babbling.]
[laughs.]
- How did you do that to my movie? - Oh, it's so good! We're gonna be right back, Oh, with more from our segment producer, I hope.
[goofy music.]
[laughs.]
Oh! Oh.
- You watch the game last night? Offensive line is looking pretty weak.
[referee whistle blows.]
- if they don't establish A running game, we've got no season.
- Oh, I'll get-- should I get it? I'll get it.
[referee whistle blows.]
The defense isn't looking too good either.
I mean, our secondary's getting killed.
- That's true.
Whoa.
[referee whistle blows.]
we have a problem, you know? These guys don't even have the fundamentals.
- We draft these top players from colleges.
They get to the pros, they don't do squat.
[referee whistle blows.]
- a lot of these running backs, They can't even get on the same page As the quarterback.
[thud.]
- oh.
It's an easy game if you play it right.
[Monday night football fanfare plays.]
- Touchdown! - [laughs.]
- [strained exhaling.]
Plbbt! [laughs.]
- [whispering.]
what is your name again? - It's scott.
- Scott.
- Welcome back to the show.
We're here with andy richter.
Political cartoonist tom perdy will be joining us in a second, But first, this is the part of the show Where reggie likes to ask our guest a question, So reggie, do you have anything? - Oh.
- Yeah, um, you are a-- you're like a-- You've been doing this for a while, right? - You mean sitting here? - Huh? - [whispering.]
that was the question? - That's not-- reggie, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
Uh, yeah, Someone stole my bike last night.
- Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
Did you find out who took it? - [sighs.]
can I show you something? - Sure.
- Now, I've been doing a little digging.
- Wow, reggie, you've really been working hard on this.
- Yeah.
Check this out.
Last night, uptown, my bike is stolen.
An isolated incident? I don't think so.
Two hours later, downtown, A young woman is found dead.
[distant scream.]
Her throat is slashed.
November 22nd, 1963.
Lee harvey oswald Shoots and kills president john f.
Kennedy From a sixth-story window.
[distant scream.]
Now, scott, I've got to ask you, What do all of these things have in common? - My god.
They're all crimes! - Yes, yes, and it's just the tip of the iceberg.
I've been doing some research, and it seems that Throughout history, There have been dozens upon millions of crimes.
If you connect the dots, all these crimes-- From streaking through a baseball game To the brentwood single-homicide of ron goldman-- They all trace back to one source.
- The devil.
What do you say you and me Raise a little hell? - Hey! Hello? [dramatic music.]
- [laughs.]
you rule, man, let's-- Sorry, jesus, I think I gotta go find a lint brush.
I see some fuzz.
- Save it, devil.
You're coming with us.
- Yeah.
Your days of tempting people to commit crimes are over.
- All right, fine.
You got me, okay? Just let me put some pants on, like a person.
Thanks.
[bike bell chimes.]
See you in hell, aukerman.
Bye, reggie.
- He's rabbiting! Stop! - [laughs.]
- Freeze, mother[bleep.]
! Scott, we're not real cops.
That's murder.
- See you in hell! [bell chiming.]
- Oh, I have an idea! - [grunts.]
- Sorry.
I have an idea.
Ooh, reggie, I don't know if I should shoot the devil or not.
I'm so conflicted.
- Hey, aukerman.
Shoot him.
Come on, it'll feel good.
- Ah ha! - Whoa! [grunts.]
- gotcha.
- Hey, hey! Whoa! - [chuckles.]
All right, put him right in there.
- [sighs.]
- well, reggie, Speak of the devil, he's bound to appear.
[both chuckle.]
one more.
Ah, looks like this devil Is about to get his due-- process of law.
- [laughs.]
- boop! - Aukerman! - Rizzoli.
- Watts.
- Isles.
- Great job.
- Looks like there's A new crime-fighting duo in town Making everybody feel safe, huh? Come on, rizzoli, let's quit.
[bike bell chimes.]
- Dad, you found your bike! - Yeah.
I couldn't have done it without him, scott here.
- [chuckles.]
- how'd you do it? - It was elementary, my dear watts's son.
[laughter.]
- Here you go.
[bike bell chimes.]
- We'll be right back with more andy richter And political cartoonist tom perdy.
Come on back.
[quirky music.]
- the skin just fell off my arm Like it was just, like, a wet glove.
Doesn't sound like a hate crime to me, but I'm no jury.
- Mm.
- Hey, welcome back.
We're here with andy richter, And our next guest is a political cartoonist Here to discuss some of his work.
Please welcome tom perdy.
[odd music.]
Hi, tom.
- Hi, scott.
Hi, hi.
Hi.
- Hi, tom, nice to meet you.
- Okay.
Ahh.
[music ends.]
- all right.
- Tom, welcome to the show.
- Hi.
Well, thank you so much for having me.
- Oh, I'm a big fan of your work.
- Well, thank you very much.
I haven't seen this show, But I look forward to seeing this one for sure.
- Oh, you'll watch the one that you're on? - Indeed, I will.
- How long have you been A political cartoonist? - I have been penning humorous observations About politics for 25 years.
- Why don't we take a look at some of it right now? - Please, I'd love to.
- All right.
- Now, of course, this is uncle sam.
- Oh, of course.
- Right? Eating a steak shaped like texas, And he's drinking oil, of course.
[chuckles.]
- oh, okay.
- It's really funny.
It's a smart, funny piece, scott.
- Andy, what does that represent to you? - UhWell, it's-- - Andy, take your time.
[laughs.]
- No, I am taking my time.
- Please.
- Uh, uncle sam is relying on texas's oil.
- Exactly right.
- America consumes a lot of oil.
- Indeed, they do.
- Great, okay, well-- - And I think that's what I'm saying with this piece.
It's very smart.
And it's very funny.
- Okay, let's see the next one.
- Yeah, if you keep saying it.
- Mm-hmm, please.
- Yeah.
Uh, what is happening in this? - We've got the democratic donkey And republican elephant standing in oil.
I mean, politics, right? I mean, this makes me laugh, and laugh so hard.
- I don't understand it at all.
- Can I--could I just Give you my interpretation of this cartoon? - Sure.
- It'sSo funny.
- Is the caption cut off, or something, Where there's some words? - No, I decided, With this piece, it didn't need a caption.
- Okay.
- Hmm.
- What are your politics? I'm trying to figure it out here but I can't really tell.
- Let's just say I drive a hybrid suv, And we'll leave it at that.
[chuckles.]
Just a small joke, just a very small But very funny joke.
- All right, let's see another one.
Okay.
- I mean, this is Self explanatory.
- Sure, The media is sipping oil from saddam hussein In a soup kitchen.
- Mm-hmm.
- I guess you're gonna have to explain it.
- Well, I mean, saddam hussein, who deals very much with oil - Sure.
- Well, he's dead.
- And the media.
- Yeah, he's dead--he did.
He's dead now.
- Well, he did--sure.
Well, this was-- - this was drawn Before he was dead? - I drew this-- This came out two months ago.
- He was long dead by then.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what my editor told me.
- All right, let's see the next cartoon.
- Okay, I mean, what do you say here? This is just-- - that's beetle bailey.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's someone else's cartoon.
- Yeah.
- You just ripped it off? - You see right there in the middle, If you can see it, I just Put an oil drum right in the middle.
- How could I not see that? - Okay, well, then, I've done my job.
- All right, let's see the next one.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's just - Yeah.
- A barrel of oil.
- That's a barrel of oil, yeah.
- It kind of almost looks like It's the exact same barrel of oil from the other ones.
Did you just xerox them? - On this one, I used a very thin piece of paper And put it over top of the existing.
- And traced it? - Yeah, and traced it.
Now, my intention here Was to put in beetle bailey and sarge into this one as well.
And you know what happened with this? I ran out of time.
- So what goes into a good cartoon? - Well, now, a truly successful political cartoon Needs a few things.
It needs to be intelligent, Of course, and-- oh, yeah, It needs to be funny.
- I haven't laughed once, to be honest, but-- - Well, I'm sure you've seen these ahead of time.
You've probably got all the laughs out.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
- Are youSmart? - Well, scott, I insist on it.
[laughs.]
- All right, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree.
We'll be right back with more andy richter And more tom perdy.
[mellow music.]
[odd electronic music.]
[slap.]
- ow! - Ooh.
- Hey! - Welcome back.
We're here with andy richter and tom perdy.
Well, guys, that's been our show.
Hey, we had some laughs, We had some gaffes.
[laughs.]
And reggie, let's not forget We made a very wise $17-million investment With the inventor of larry's bearys, huh? - Indeed, we did, scott.
- God, that guy was great.
You know what? I-I really miss him.
- Oh, scott, why don't you cheer yourself up With your scotty bear? - Great idea.
[laughs.]
Okay.
[british accent.]
a spot of tea For the distinguished gentleman? [chuckles.]
Oh! What the-- A-a tea stain? But he said that-- Holy stamps! - Nothing like a $17-million vacation, right, babe? - Oh, don.
- It's larry.
- Well, you may be no ty pennington, But you are a criminal genius.
[glasses clink.]
- Yay, dad! [tires squeal.]
- Wait for me! Wait! Wait! I can't walk! [engine revs.]
- The wolf dead.
- Hey, there, it's scott and reggie, And this week, we're taking comedy bang! Bang! On the road and doing a show from new york city! - Yeah! - Hey, look, It's new york's michael ian black.
- Hi, scott.
Hi, reggie.
Listen, I'd love to show you guys around the town.
- Yeah! [big band music.]
- there's a place captivates and enthralls me [laughter.]
- I'm so excited to show you guys this bagel shop.
I think you're really gonna love it.
- broadway glitter, real pizzazz hit the village - Only in new york, reggie.
- Only in new york.
lotsa noise with lotsa notes am I blue? - Eat up, eat up.
- All right.
- I don't think I can finish mine.
- recipes for connoisseurs - [mouth full.]
I want more cream cheese.
Hot dogs! Mmm.
- Really painful.
[both groaning.]
- Mmm, look.
- Oh, god.
- [groans.]
- Ugh.
- my town my new yo-o-ork - Ugh.
- Only in new york.
- I can't.
- [laughs.]
[ethereal noises, droning and echoing.]
- [laughs.]
- [whimpers.]
I don't want pizza.
- Pizza, pizza, pizza.
- I don't want pizza.
- [laughs.]
- [shouting gibberish.]
Ugh.
- Wait, guys, don't go.
There's an amazing pizza place I want to take you to in the village.
- Screw you! No more new york episode.
We're going home.
- Wait, but guys! I forgot to take you to the statue of liberty.
- Bah! - There's a great hot dog cart Halfway up her dress! [as woody allen.]
"halfway up her dress," he says.
- new york [soul music.]
- [inhales.]
- It's comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! - Featuring me, reggie watts.
- comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! uh-huh - Hey, there.
Welcome to comedy bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
Andy richter is here, As well as political cartoonist tom perdy.
I'm scott aukerman, And I thought I'd begin tonight's show By taking you on a little tour of the set.
So--okay, well, obviously, this is where I sit.
This is where the guest sits, and Uh, yeah, I feel like I'm forgetting something.
I guess that's it.
Oh, hey, speaking of forgetting something, Let's say hi to our good friend reggie watts.
[fast, cacophonous piano music.]
Oh, hi, reggie.
Kind of a weird song.
- It's just really fast, so it's hard to hear What it sounds like at the regular speed.
- Could you maybe slow it down? - Fine.
[smooth jazz music.]
[music ends.]
- I kind of prefer that, actually.
- You would.
- Oh, hey.
I meant to ask you, are you into sports? - Uh, yeah, I mean, I'm a big fan of ball sports And some stick sports.
- Oh, cool.
I like basketball.
Do you want to bet? - Well, I don't bet on ball games.
- Oh, do you bet on stick games? - Yeah, stick games for sure.
- Like hockey? - Yeah.
Like, I bet a player this season Is gonna pick a puck off the ice And bite into it like a donut.
- Okay.
- And No one's gonna think it's weird.
- Oh, I will definitely take that bet.
How much are you laying down? - $8 million.
- Ooh, too rich for my blood.
All right, thanks, reggie.
I'll check back with you later.
- With you later.
- What? - I'll check back with me later.
- I'll check back with you later.
I should do it.
- Okay.
- All right, well, speaking of money, It's time once again to step into the lion's den.
[dramatic jungle music.]
[lion roaring and scratching.]
In the lion's den, we speak to potential entrepreneurs About their ideas in which they'd like us to invest.
First up is larry jetski, A stay-at-home dad from north carolina.
- Thank you for this opportunity.
My investment idea is inspired by my son terry, Who tragically was hit by a car And will spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair.
Did you know that there is a severe lack of handicap ramps In the United States? This got me thinking, "what if there were a wheelchair That could actually climb the stairs?" But I'm not a scientist or an engineer, So I couldn't do it.
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you [gulps loudly.]
My invention.
It's a teddy bear, that, as you can see, Is wearing the same red hat that I am wearing.
Yes, my son's condition is depressing, But when I look at this bear, he cheers me right up.
Now, what I'm looking for is a $17-million investment For a 10% stake in my company, larry's little bearys.
- Larry, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Okay, I like you.
I think you're a really smart guy.
- I am.
- But I kind of feel like You went halfway on the idea.
- It is a very, very delightful golden-colored bear.
It has a hat that's similar to yours.
It's very small, therefore, it makes it cute, But why stop there? Why not add some green pants, Like the ones you're wearing, to that bear? - Also, is the bear tea resistant? For example, if I'm having a tea party With my little teddy bear, I want to make sure That if I spill tea on him, it doesn't stain.
You see? - I can assure you, this bear Is 100% tea stain resistant.
And I almost forgot the best part: Teddy bears that look just like you.
[both chuckle.]
- now, this was challenging Because you don't wear red hats.
- Hmm.
- Scott.
- [chuckles.]
[playing piano notes.]
[both chuckle.]
- I don't think that this is something that we-- - No, it's really not-- - you know, this is not--no.
Larry, we'd like to invest.
Congratulations, you've made it out Of the lion's den unscathed.
- My son, terry, is not gonna believe this.
- Thank you, larry.
- Thank you.
[gulps loudly.]
[lion roaring and scratching.]
- All right, let's get to our first guest.
He is the star of a talk show, But he's gonna turn this show into a walk show By walking out here and talking to us.
Please welcome andy richter.
[soul music.]
- na na na - Hi, there's that walk.
- na na na no, no, no, no, no na na na - good job.
- no, no, no, no, no - good guy.
- na na na no, no, no, no, no - Come on back here.
- na na na no, no, no, no, no - There's-- there's nobody pictures.
- no, no, no - all right.
- na-- [music ends abruptly.]
- Mm.
- Hi.
- Hi, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you for having me.
- So andy, right off the bat - Mm-hmm? - Am I funnier than conan? - Um, sure.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
- What do you think about reggie? - Reggie's funnier than you.
Yeah, that's definitely the case.
- Did--do that again.
- Reggie, what were you doing there? You were pulling something towards you? - I thought you were doing, like, a rabbit magician, Pulling a tablecloth out from under a set table.
- Yeah.
- That's good too.
- Andy.
- Yes? Please, don't touch me! - I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
- Please, don't touch me.
[bones crunching.]
ow! - [laughs.]
- So tell me a little bit about yourself.
Where'd you go to college? [ominous music.]
[whispering.]
you okay? - I'm thinking.
The classes were indoors.
- Uh-huh.
- And there was a lady.
- A lady teaching the class, or just a lady next to you? - No wait, I'm thinking of when I was born.
- Oh.
- And the lady was my mother.
- You remember when you were born? - I do, I do.
- Tell me about that.
- Uh, I-- - who cares about where You went to college? - I refer to that As the day all the [bleep.]
started.
- [laughs.]
- How 'bout you? Where'd you go to college? - None of your [bleep.]
damn business! - It is my [bleep.]
damn business! I'm sitting right here! - That's not the question chair, that's the answer chair.
- Well, let's switch.
- Oh, okay.
Ugh.
Never sat on this before.
- Do you have hemorrhoids? - Yeah.
- 'cause there's an obvious kind of weird Cushiony ring thing going on.
- Yeah.
Do you want to switch back? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Ahh.
- Ahh, that's better.
- Andy, you hit a home run at the 2009 taco bell All-star legends and celebrity softball game.
- [laughs.]
- Were you juicing? - No, no, I was just-- - Now's the time to come clean.
- It was the pressure Of something being affiliated with taco bell.
If it had been, you know, like, a celebrity surgery event, I would've tried to save someone's life.
- Have you ever done a celebrity surgery event? - Oh, no, no.
I don't think they exist.
- Give me your best talk show laugh When someone tells a really funny story, if you would.
- [hearty laugh.]
- You could take some lessons from this guy, reggie.
- [odd, strained laugh.]
- See, that's good, 'cause mine draws attention to me.
His blends right in.
- So I understand that you had A really interesting plane ride recently.
Is that-- - Oh, "interesting" isn't the word for it.
- [laughs.]
- um, we hit some turbulence.
I had a drink, it went all over me, Ruined my best suit.
I just had to throw it away.
- That's it? - Yeah.
- I just-- when you told this story To our segment producer during the pre-interview, The way that she relayed it to me was so funny.
I just thought-- - oh.
- Actually, could we get her out here? Do you mind coming out here to tell the story? - Yes, hello, hi.
Okay, so this one is on a red-eye to new york city.
- [laughs.]
- and the dang plane Starts to shake shake, shake - [laughs.]
- shake, shake, shake you've got turbulence [laughter.]
So here comes the flight attendant.
She's walking--"oh, can I take your drink order?" And this guy right here, he orders a bloody mary.
- Do--do his voice, though.
- [nerdy voice.]
"uh, excuse me, Can I get a bloody mary?" - [laughs.]
- This plane is like the camerawork In the bourne identity series.
- [laughs.]
- it's shaky! It is shaky.
- [laughs.]
- And splash! Tomato niagara falls.
Outfit go bye-bye! [asian accent.]
tomato stain no looky so good on tv show! [gong ringing.]
ha ha.
- Thank you.
[laughs.]
Oh, okay, so--do you have any plans coming up For the downtime? - Uh, yeah, actually, we're going to fiji-- - I'm not asking you.
I'm asking her, actually.
- Okay, absolutely.
I am gonna be spending my time In luxurious burbank, california - [laughs.]
- where my home is.
- [laughing.]
"home.
" - my husband, jeez-- I'll tell you, don, he thinks he is a freakin' handyman.
But he is no ty pennington.
- [laughs.]
- Although, I wish he was.
Hubba hubba, mommy likey! [trilling tongue.]
- [laughs.]
Like, I'm gonna bust a gut here.
Oh, my god! - Um Can I just plug my film now? - Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, let's do that.
Your new film, the wedding party, Is coming out right-- it should be-- - Yeah, I actually-- I play a longtime bachelor Who's finally gonna take the plunge.
- Okay, yeah, let's just see the clip.
- I can't believe todd's getting married.
- I know! A cad like him, I'd be surprised If he could stick with one woman for the rest of his life.
- I know, I mean, what is the deal with weddings anyway? I mean you got this flower girl who's like, [child's voice.]
"I'm sorry, what am I doing here?" You got these old people who are like, [elderly voice.]
"my daughter's leaving me!" I mean, come on, can we get on with the ceremony? - [uproarious laughter.]
[babbling.]
[laughs.]
- How did you do that to my movie? - Oh, it's so good! We're gonna be right back, Oh, with more from our segment producer, I hope.
[goofy music.]
[laughs.]
Oh! Oh.
- You watch the game last night? Offensive line is looking pretty weak.
[referee whistle blows.]
- if they don't establish A running game, we've got no season.
- Oh, I'll get-- should I get it? I'll get it.
[referee whistle blows.]
The defense isn't looking too good either.
I mean, our secondary's getting killed.
- That's true.
Whoa.
[referee whistle blows.]
we have a problem, you know? These guys don't even have the fundamentals.
- We draft these top players from colleges.
They get to the pros, they don't do squat.
[referee whistle blows.]
- a lot of these running backs, They can't even get on the same page As the quarterback.
[thud.]
- oh.
It's an easy game if you play it right.
[Monday night football fanfare plays.]
- Touchdown! - [laughs.]
- [strained exhaling.]
Plbbt! [laughs.]
- [whispering.]
what is your name again? - It's scott.
- Scott.
- Welcome back to the show.
We're here with andy richter.
Political cartoonist tom perdy will be joining us in a second, But first, this is the part of the show Where reggie likes to ask our guest a question, So reggie, do you have anything? - Oh.
- Yeah, um, you are a-- you're like a-- You've been doing this for a while, right? - You mean sitting here? - Huh? - [whispering.]
that was the question? - That's not-- reggie, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
Uh, yeah, Someone stole my bike last night.
- Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
Did you find out who took it? - [sighs.]
can I show you something? - Sure.
- Now, I've been doing a little digging.
- Wow, reggie, you've really been working hard on this.
- Yeah.
Check this out.
Last night, uptown, my bike is stolen.
An isolated incident? I don't think so.
Two hours later, downtown, A young woman is found dead.
[distant scream.]
Her throat is slashed.
November 22nd, 1963.
Lee harvey oswald Shoots and kills president john f.
Kennedy From a sixth-story window.
[distant scream.]
Now, scott, I've got to ask you, What do all of these things have in common? - My god.
They're all crimes! - Yes, yes, and it's just the tip of the iceberg.
I've been doing some research, and it seems that Throughout history, There have been dozens upon millions of crimes.
If you connect the dots, all these crimes-- From streaking through a baseball game To the brentwood single-homicide of ron goldman-- They all trace back to one source.
- The devil.
What do you say you and me Raise a little hell? - Hey! Hello? [dramatic music.]
- [laughs.]
you rule, man, let's-- Sorry, jesus, I think I gotta go find a lint brush.
I see some fuzz.
- Save it, devil.
You're coming with us.
- Yeah.
Your days of tempting people to commit crimes are over.
- All right, fine.
You got me, okay? Just let me put some pants on, like a person.
Thanks.
[bike bell chimes.]
See you in hell, aukerman.
Bye, reggie.
- He's rabbiting! Stop! - [laughs.]
- Freeze, mother[bleep.]
! Scott, we're not real cops.
That's murder.
- See you in hell! [bell chiming.]
- Oh, I have an idea! - [grunts.]
- Sorry.
I have an idea.
Ooh, reggie, I don't know if I should shoot the devil or not.
I'm so conflicted.
- Hey, aukerman.
Shoot him.
Come on, it'll feel good.
- Ah ha! - Whoa! [grunts.]
- gotcha.
- Hey, hey! Whoa! - [chuckles.]
All right, put him right in there.
- [sighs.]
- well, reggie, Speak of the devil, he's bound to appear.
[both chuckle.]
one more.
Ah, looks like this devil Is about to get his due-- process of law.
- [laughs.]
- boop! - Aukerman! - Rizzoli.
- Watts.
- Isles.
- Great job.
- Looks like there's A new crime-fighting duo in town Making everybody feel safe, huh? Come on, rizzoli, let's quit.
[bike bell chimes.]
- Dad, you found your bike! - Yeah.
I couldn't have done it without him, scott here.
- [chuckles.]
- how'd you do it? - It was elementary, my dear watts's son.
[laughter.]
- Here you go.
[bike bell chimes.]
- We'll be right back with more andy richter And political cartoonist tom perdy.
Come on back.
[quirky music.]
- the skin just fell off my arm Like it was just, like, a wet glove.
Doesn't sound like a hate crime to me, but I'm no jury.
- Mm.
- Hey, welcome back.
We're here with andy richter, And our next guest is a political cartoonist Here to discuss some of his work.
Please welcome tom perdy.
[odd music.]
Hi, tom.
- Hi, scott.
Hi, hi.
Hi.
- Hi, tom, nice to meet you.
- Okay.
Ahh.
[music ends.]
- all right.
- Tom, welcome to the show.
- Hi.
Well, thank you so much for having me.
- Oh, I'm a big fan of your work.
- Well, thank you very much.
I haven't seen this show, But I look forward to seeing this one for sure.
- Oh, you'll watch the one that you're on? - Indeed, I will.
- How long have you been A political cartoonist? - I have been penning humorous observations About politics for 25 years.
- Why don't we take a look at some of it right now? - Please, I'd love to.
- All right.
- Now, of course, this is uncle sam.
- Oh, of course.
- Right? Eating a steak shaped like texas, And he's drinking oil, of course.
[chuckles.]
- oh, okay.
- It's really funny.
It's a smart, funny piece, scott.
- Andy, what does that represent to you? - UhWell, it's-- - Andy, take your time.
[laughs.]
- No, I am taking my time.
- Please.
- Uh, uncle sam is relying on texas's oil.
- Exactly right.
- America consumes a lot of oil.
- Indeed, they do.
- Great, okay, well-- - And I think that's what I'm saying with this piece.
It's very smart.
And it's very funny.
- Okay, let's see the next one.
- Yeah, if you keep saying it.
- Mm-hmm, please.
- Yeah.
Uh, what is happening in this? - We've got the democratic donkey And republican elephant standing in oil.
I mean, politics, right? I mean, this makes me laugh, and laugh so hard.
- I don't understand it at all.
- Can I--could I just Give you my interpretation of this cartoon? - Sure.
- It'sSo funny.
- Is the caption cut off, or something, Where there's some words? - No, I decided, With this piece, it didn't need a caption.
- Okay.
- Hmm.
- What are your politics? I'm trying to figure it out here but I can't really tell.
- Let's just say I drive a hybrid suv, And we'll leave it at that.
[chuckles.]
Just a small joke, just a very small But very funny joke.
- All right, let's see another one.
Okay.
- I mean, this is Self explanatory.
- Sure, The media is sipping oil from saddam hussein In a soup kitchen.
- Mm-hmm.
- I guess you're gonna have to explain it.
- Well, I mean, saddam hussein, who deals very much with oil - Sure.
- Well, he's dead.
- And the media.
- Yeah, he's dead--he did.
He's dead now.
- Well, he did--sure.
Well, this was-- - this was drawn Before he was dead? - I drew this-- This came out two months ago.
- He was long dead by then.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what my editor told me.
- All right, let's see the next cartoon.
- Okay, I mean, what do you say here? This is just-- - that's beetle bailey.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's someone else's cartoon.
- Yeah.
- You just ripped it off? - You see right there in the middle, If you can see it, I just Put an oil drum right in the middle.
- How could I not see that? - Okay, well, then, I've done my job.
- All right, let's see the next one.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's just - Yeah.
- A barrel of oil.
- That's a barrel of oil, yeah.
- It kind of almost looks like It's the exact same barrel of oil from the other ones.
Did you just xerox them? - On this one, I used a very thin piece of paper And put it over top of the existing.
- And traced it? - Yeah, and traced it.
Now, my intention here Was to put in beetle bailey and sarge into this one as well.
And you know what happened with this? I ran out of time.
- So what goes into a good cartoon? - Well, now, a truly successful political cartoon Needs a few things.
It needs to be intelligent, Of course, and-- oh, yeah, It needs to be funny.
- I haven't laughed once, to be honest, but-- - Well, I'm sure you've seen these ahead of time.
You've probably got all the laughs out.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
- Are youSmart? - Well, scott, I insist on it.
[laughs.]
- All right, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree.
We'll be right back with more andy richter And more tom perdy.
[mellow music.]
[odd electronic music.]
[slap.]
- ow! - Ooh.
- Hey! - Welcome back.
We're here with andy richter and tom perdy.
Well, guys, that's been our show.
Hey, we had some laughs, We had some gaffes.
[laughs.]
And reggie, let's not forget We made a very wise $17-million investment With the inventor of larry's bearys, huh? - Indeed, we did, scott.
- God, that guy was great.
You know what? I-I really miss him.
- Oh, scott, why don't you cheer yourself up With your scotty bear? - Great idea.
[laughs.]
Okay.
[british accent.]
a spot of tea For the distinguished gentleman? [chuckles.]
Oh! What the-- A-a tea stain? But he said that-- Holy stamps! - Nothing like a $17-million vacation, right, babe? - Oh, don.
- It's larry.
- Well, you may be no ty pennington, But you are a criminal genius.
[glasses clink.]
- Yay, dad! [tires squeal.]
- Wait for me! Wait! Wait! I can't walk! [engine revs.]
- The wolf dead.