Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e10 Episode Script

Casey Wilson Wears A White Lace Dress & A Black Blazer

[audience whispering, orchestra tuning up] - Opening night, huh, scott? - Reggie, I don't know why we agreed to do comedy bang! Bang! As a broadway musical.
I mean, what kind of deluded idiot Would think this is a good idea? - Hello.
- Andrew lloyd webber.
- Oh.
- Lord webber, you wrote this.
What made you want to turn our talk show Into a rock show? - You know that I have long been a devotee Of your particular talking program, But if I'm honest, the one thing By which I cannot abide about it is all that ghastly talking.
And then one day it came to me-- Turn it into a musical.
And it will all end With my most phantasmagorical creation To date-- the chandelier copter.
It's a heli-o-copter Made entirely of spare chandeliers.
But it's a bit dear-- expensive.
I don't know if we have it in the budget.
[applause] oh, but soft, The greasepaint has commenced a-roaring.
Off you go, boys.
Do not say the title of the scottish play macbeth.
[cheers and applause] [laughs] - Andrew lloyd webber's comedy bang! Bang! The musical, With special guests casey wilson, Andrew lloyd webber, With band leader reggie watts, And our host for the evening, scott aukerman.
National funding for this program is brought to you In part by sullivan financial equity.
[applause] - Hey, there.
Welcome to comedy bang! Bang! I'm scott aukerman.
Great show tonight-- Casey wilson will be out here in just a second.
That's very exciting.
Plus, a few other surprises.
But before we get to that, why don't we go to the news? It's time for a topical monologue.
[jaunty music] did you hear about this, folks? this was in the news, folks I'll tell you all about it 'cause the news is my muse, folks it's got me all aghast and agog so what else could I do but a topical monologue? how about the weather outside today? it's so darn hot - how hot is it? - it's so hot even the fonzie lost his cool I said it's hot - how hot is it? - I boiled an egg inside my swimming pool - that's weird - it's really weird but my countertop oven was broken so it actually was pretty convenient when I was a lad I didn't know how to do the monologue for my talk show when it was hot I had no joke about michael phelps winning gold in the sunstroke but that was then and this is now and at my monologue I'm the cat's meow because it's hot - I said it's hot - oh, yeah, it's hot - so [bleep] hot - because it's hot I mean, it's hot and that's my topical I mean tropical monologue [applause] Hmm.
Let's say hi to our band leader, reggie watts.
[quirky music] [scats along with music] Perfect.
- Thank you.
- Hi, reg.
- Hi.
- So are you excited for this whole, uh, musical? - [exhales deeply] actually, not so much.
- Really? Why? What's up? - Not really.
Well, I mean, I sing all the time on the show, so - You do? - Yeah.
- Really? When? - You know, going into commercial, Playing people on and off, throughout the segment, Throughout the entire show.
You call me the bandleader.
- I never noticed it before, honestly.
- It's easy to overlook.
- Yeah.
[chuckles] You know, I just realized something.
If we're all singing the entire show, What makes you special? [sad music] - I am a man a virile man a man whose lot is cast to sing to this noble trade I cling it makes me special it sets me apart but now scott's breaking my poor heart I am a man a singing man I am reggie watts [evil laughter] - Wow.
I guess you are important, reggie.
- "tanks," scott.
- All right, we'll check back with you later.
It's time to get to our first guest.
She's the most talented wilson Since a little volleyball I know.
Please welcome casey wilson.
- Hello.
Both: Hi.
- So nice to-- okay.
We can do that.
- Hello.
Hi, reggie.
How are you? - Please.
Have a seat.
- Wow.
- How are you? - I'm well.
Thank you.
- Thank you so much for coming on the show.
- My pleasure.
- It's a pleasure to see you.
So we'll kind of just start the interview part Right now.
- Okay.
- Has anyone seen my notes? Seriously, does anyone know where my notes are? [quirky music] - here it is, the first guest's on time for scott to pass the verbal baton and there they are, the guest and scott but at his best, he certainly is not now he's saying - how do you balance family and work? - and she's thinking - I'm not even married you jerk - and he's thinking - is that question no good? - and she's thinking - he's stiff as balsa wood - and he says - um [clears throat] - and she says - Uh, yep.
- well, this is really bad tv All: this is not good, not good really, really bad tv - uh, let's see I think I have a question here somewhere - now he's thinking - should I really be a person with a show? - and she's saying - I can read your mind and I would say no - and he thinks - I wish I had a quip - and she says - can I at least play my clip? - and he says - yeah, go ahead - and she says - go ahead, play it.
- I think we lost the clip.
- well, this is really bad tv All: this is not good, not good really, really bad tv [both sigh] [applause] [dramatic music] - Impudent churl.
You bad talk-show host.
You don't deserve this excellent booking.
[laughs wickedly] - Yes, phantom.
Phanta-lize them.
- Oh, sounds like the phantom is here.
That's exciting, huh? Well, we'll be right back with him, plus a lot more After an intermission.
Come on back.
[quirky music] - [laughing maniacally] - Hello, I'm melrose ballrod, Three-time tony award winner And star of the long-running tv western The fervent moans of a gunslinger.
Well, what do you think of our special presentation Of comedy bang! Bang! The musical? I know that I am like a person Who successfully transferred his or her belongings From one domicile to another Moved.
So won't you please pledge whatever you can To make sure this expensive production can continue? I'm referring, of course, To the aforementioned chandelier copter, Which is not cheap.
Andrew lloyd webber mentioned to me that it's made entirely Of spare chandeliers.
And we crash it every night And have to buy a new one.
So, please, call now.
- It's actually musical notes.
- Oh, so those are musical notes.
I always thought those were letters.
- Welcome back to the show.
We're here with casey wilson.
And a big musical episode here.
And, casey, I always wanted to ask you [dramatic music] - beware beware - Who's this guy? - I'm the phantom of the bang! Bang! Set.
I live below your theater Directly below your chair, in fact.
So, if you were ever to poop through your chair And there was a hole in the floor, It would land on my head.
- Okay, I don't think that's gonna happen.
So why are you wearing only half of a mask? - Because half of my face is scarred.
- Yeah, I can see that.
So why isn't the mask covering the scar? - Because I need it to protect The half of my face that isn't scarred.
Think before you talk.
- Okay.
So what are you doing here? - I have a talk show too.
And yet I never get good guests.
I have to lurk below listening to you fumble your way Through interviews like this one With the beautiful, enchanting casey wilson.
- Oh, I see what's happening here.
You're trying to poach guests.
It's not gonna happen, because I think casey-- [dramatic music] Casey? - [laughs wickedly] come to me, my muse.
Thus, I have kidnapped thee.
[cackles] to have you on my show has been my quest your smile, your anecdotes please be my guest I will treat you right and with respect because I'm the phantom of the bang! Bang! Se [laughs wickedly] It's about a 15-minute boat ride.
- [vocalizing operatically] [shrieking] - That's enough.
[applause] - Wow.
Well, let's get to our next guest.
He is the acclaimed writer of several musicals Including the phantom of the opera, Oh, and the one you're watching right now.
Please welcome lord andrew lloyd webber.
- [chuckles] haunted harpsichord being chased by a whore [laughs] - Ah, yes, an old standard.
- Indeed.
- Welcome, lord webber.
- You don't touch lords, but Scottrick, what a pleasure it is For me to please you by returning To your tidy television program.
- So let me get this straight.
You wrote yourself into your own musical? - Yes, that's right.
I felt, who better to appear In this talking-show musical Than one of your talking-show guests? Namely me.
- Okay, okay, that makes sense.
And I should say, for the viewers at home, Everything we're saying right now was written-- - Has been scripted.
- Written into the musical.
- Yes, totally written into the musical, Yes, including the overlapping dialogue In which we have just engaged.
- Speaking of the book, which we have right here-- - Yes, here is the book of the musical.
You can see, it looks rather like a book That you or I would-- - the script, of course.
- Script.
- Do you mind if I peek ahead? - Oh! You'll spoil it, dear boy.
- All right, then.
But the phantom does come back, right? - Yes, absolutely.
- Okay.
Now, speaking of the phantom, Here's something I wanted to ask you-- - Hmm.
- Don't you think That some of this musical Is a little reminiscent of some of your earlier work, Specifically I want to mention the phantom of the opera.
- Oh, I say, that's a curious theorem.
I don't ascribe to it myself naturally.
I feel that this musical has something That none of my other musicals have ever had.
- What's that? - [laughs] a song featuring me.
- You wrote yourself a solo? - Yes.
Indeed I did.
- Okay.
Well, what's it about? - Well, let's just say, Recently, scottrick, I had occasion to take a bit of a trip.
thailand pretty cool place took an overnight bag and a large suitcase booked hotel online, flight through an agent came right here, met some pretty cool asians some of the food was so good one might say it was appe-thai-zing Both: two weeks in thailand and he's now an expert it's pretty nice except for all the smells two weeks in thailand and he really hit pay dirt all-inclusive meals and his clean hotel - found a good mcdonald's where I ate as well [applause] [grunts, breathing heavily] So there you have it.
- So you wrote that for yourself? - Yes.
I wanted to do that.
- All right.
Well, we'll be right back After a word from our sponsor.
- [laughs] [sad music] - once upon a time, I was lost lost in a snack-less land and then I found a tasty little cracker so exciting and, oh, so grand I snacked a snack of tasty cheese 'twas baked into a tiny cracker said cracker changed my life with ease and now I'm quite the mature snacker there's over 20 varieties like hot & spicy and white cheddar with 100% real cheese my life's 100% better now cheez-it is the snack I snack [applause] - Ah.
- So now you even wrote The commercials into this musical? - Oh, yes, I wrote every advert.
It was meant to be part of jesus christ superstar.
Of course, back then it was called Cheez-it cracker supersnacker.
- All right, that's enough.
We'll be right back.
[quirky music] - I fail to understand - All right.
Well, we're back here with andrew lloyd webber, The writer of the musical you're watching.
And, lord webber, now, the phantom, In the reality of this show, he has his own talk show, right? - Oh, yes.
Cracking show.
It's on right now.
Shall we check in with him? - Wait.
It's opposite my show? - Sorry.
- Okay.
Well, yeah, let's check in, if we can find it.
It's probably pretty high up on the dial.
- There it is.
- Oh.
- Stop it! He's bad.
He's bad.
- Casey, if you could go back [plays dramatic organ music] And give five-year-old casey wilson One piece of advice, what would it be? [plays dramatic organ music] - More nudity.
- Mm.
But as long as it's intrinsic to the story, right? - Mm, you know, mm.
[laughter] [sad music] Both: this is really good tv this is really, really good, good really, really good tv - there he is at hosting shows, he's a total pro how did he get so great? I'll never know his questions sharp, his jokes are good he's clear, concise, he's understood with casey wilson and her silky hair I took for granted on my couch right there - she was sitting on me - I am a man a virile man I'm reggie watts - I'm thinking, this is such a spooky place and he's thinking - I hope I don't scar the other half of my face I am a talk-show host - I snacked a snack of tasty cheese - and I'm the best I'm the phantom of the bang! Bang! Set - I am a man - I kind of liked it - a virile man - having casey rub against me, I kind of liked it - an extremely virile man - my name is sir couchley - hey, now, I'm going to win a tony replace the one I have that's a total phony - a man whose lot is cast to sing to this noble trade I cling - I'm the phantom - I've hosted this for far too long - of the bang! Bang! Set - every choice I make is wrong - hey, this is fun singing at the same time with all these guys Both: master of the house, master of the house - I am bad, I am no good - he's bad, he is no good - at this, my job All: he's no good at hosting shows [applause] - Oh.
All right, well, we'll be right back With the climactic conclusion of the comedy bang! Bang! Musical.
Come on back.
[quirky music] - No, that's a form of music also.
- I don't think so, dear boy.
- Welcome back to the show.
We're here with andrew lloyd webber, And casey wilson was kidnapped by the phantom.
And here to sing a song from the original soundtrack To comedy bang! Bang! The musical, Please welcome the phantom.
[upbeat electronic music] - Hey, comedy bang! Bang! Ready to get your freak on? I'm a nasty little weirdo with masks and whips and chains Both: whips and chains - if you're looking for a pervert well, that can be arranged Both: so deranged - I'll rock your world for the next few hours I'm the nastiest freak since austin powers I'm the phantom, baby the freaky phantom of the bang! Bang! Set Both: freaky - but why settle for just one kinky, campy criminal? ladies and gentlemen, the foreboding four freaky, freaky freak weird, weird weirdo - What the hell is going on? [music stops] - yeah, andrew lloyd webber, This is getting pretty strange.
- Strange? Scottrick, is it any stranger than a roller-skating train Or the very concept of a jellicle ball? - I'm sorry, lord webber.
We gave it a shot, but singing and talking Should not mix.
From now on, no more singing.
[sad music] a musical episode why did I agree? as futile as a conductor trying to chase away a bee [instrument screeching] this whole entire show is not quite my cup of tea and so upon this I hope we all agree Both: we will never, ever sing we prefer to simply talk if you hear us sing again you can get up and take a walk talking is the perfect way to say certain things we will never, ever, ever, ever sing All: we hate singing we will never do it again this is our solemn vow you will never catch us singing once again, talking's great and is preferable to singing we will never, ever, ever, ever sing - Well, actually, I'm partial to singing as opposed to talking.
It's my preferred method of communication.
- get out of here All: we don't like to sing - Bring out the girls.
All: we will never, ever sing we prefer to simply talk if you hear us sing again you can get up and take a walk talking is the perfect way to say certain things we will never, ever, ever, ever sing - Lord webber, look The chandelier copter-- we made it.
- So beautiful.
So expensive.
- What the hell is going on? All: we will never sing [all breathing heavily] - Let's Let's never do that again.
- Yeah.
You're right.
- [groans] Good job.
[bike zooming, then crashing] - The wolf dead.