Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e13 Episode Script

- Hello, mr.
Scott aukerman.
Well, hello there, mr.
Reggie watts.
What do you wanna do today? Let's have a dance party.
[giggles.]
That was fun.
Now what do you wanna do? [beeps.]
Oh, it's time for My favorite television program-- The final episode of mash.
[door shuts.]
[both exhale.]
- Wow, that was fun.
- Another great day of being played with.
You know what? Now it's time for us to have some fun.
- Yeah.
Hey, I got a great idea.
What if we did one of our fake talk shows? - Sure.
- Yeah, hey, reggie, You could be the band leader this time.
- Oh, okay.
- And bookie, You could be that talking book That sits on the shelf over there.
And sir couchly, you can be the couch Upon which everyone sits.
- That's the way we always do it.
- Maybe we could get this jessica alba action figure To be the guest on the show.
- I don't know.
That thing's creepy.
[soul music.]
- [inhales.]
- It's comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! uh-huh - Hey there, welcome to comedy bang! Bang! We have a great show for you tonight.
Jessica alba is here, plus president Of the little miss campers organization Gina guppies will be joining us.
I'm scott aukerman, and you may know me From such films as titanic, iron man 3, And star wars: Attack of the clones.
Saw 'em all on opening night, baby.
[chuckles.]
Let's say hi to our good friend reggie watts.
- Hi.
- Hey.
You're not gonna play music? - Oh, no, no.
I'm kind of done with that phase for now.
- Oh, really? Music was just a phase? - Yeah, you know, the notes, the measures, The clefs, the bars-- I think I was just kind of destined For something else.
- Oh, cool, what are you gonna get into now? - Well, now I'm into greetings, Like the greeting I gave you, "hi.
" Or others like, "hey, man," Or, "hello," or "bonjour" Or-- [speaking foreign language.]
- What are we gonna do about the music During the show though? - Oh, don't worry.
I'm still into my rhythmic typing.
[upbeat music.]
- Thanks, reg, we'll check back with you later.
All right, well, jessica alba Will be out here in just one second.
But before she comes out, I need the cards that Have the questions I'm going to ask her on them.
So please welcome the one and only King of cards.
[royal fanfare.]
[trumpet blows.]
Hey, king, how are you today? - Terrible.
My kingdom is in a state of great unrest.
Even as we speak, the earl of crathmore Is plotting against me.
He desires to usurp my throne And is gathering the forces of the west, Thereby shattering the treaty of brannington.
- Okay, could I get the cards, though, maybe, or-- - Your reign is over, king.
[chuckles.]
I've always wanted To wet my blade with royal blood.
- Sir zanifer, come for my head, have you? - Say, you don't suppose I could get those cards, do you? - The earl of crathmore commands it.
Now, die! [both grunt.]
- Good lord! - [gasps.]
- May I drink from your goblet, scott? - Yeah, sure, whatever.
Look, do you suppose I could maybe get those cards? Yeah, just get the-- - [shushes.]
Scott, scott, scott.
[slurps.]
ahh.
Oh! One day, scott, You and I will break-- Is this hemlock? It is.
[chuckles.]
I die, I die.
I die-- - Oh, well done.
Well done, my unwitting accomplice.
The treaty of brannington is no more.
And now I, the earl of crathmore, Am the new king of cards.
Bow to me.
Bow to me! [tense music.]
- Yeah, I'm not gonna bow, but could I get those cards? - Yeah, let me grab these out of here.
Okay.
Thanks again.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
Okay.
[royal fanfare.]
- All right, well, let's get to our first guest.
You've seen her everywhere, Except when she's playing the invisible woman.
[guffaws.]
Please welcome jessica alba.
- [vocalizing.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- purple lady purple lady, purple lady, yeah purple lady purple lady, pule times - Thank you.
- I don't think I've ever seen anyone Dance to their seat before.
I'm gonna try it.
[piano notes.]
- I mean-- - jessica, how are you? Welcome to the show.
- I'm so happy to be here.
- So jessica, flipper - Mm-hmm.
- Into the blue - Mm-hmm.
- The love boat: The next wave.
- [laughs.]
Have you ever considered changing your name To jessica albacore? - Wow, that's totally original, um - Thank you so much.
God, that's so nice to hear A compliment like that from such a wonderful actress.
I mean-- - [laughs.]
- So jessica, when you were doing into the blue And you were swimming around underwater, Did you ever see flipper? - Can we talk about something else? - Uh, every other question I have is into the blue Or flipper related.
- Me in a bikini.
- Yeah.
- I mean, that's just what I, like, Always wanted to do as a child.
- Have you ever thought of starring in a movie Called, "me in a bikini"? - As long as I get tortured.
- Tortured in a bikini? - Yeah, I think that would make more money.
- Reggie, would you see a movie Where jessica's tortured in a bikini? - Like, inside of a bikini? - Oh, no, she's wearing the bikini.
- Oh, wearing the bikini-- yeah, I mean, I guess if it's a good torture scene, Like, if it's really, like, realistic.
- Wait, but would you see the movie Where she was tortured inside of a bikini? - No, I wouldn't see that.
That's the line that I draw.
- Can I chew gum on your program? - Of course.
- Thanks.
- Unless you wanna spit it out right now Into my hand, like a good girl.
- It feels like a fetish thing.
- It kind of is a fetish for me.
- Yeah, I don't wanna-- - I love the feeling Of women spitting anything into my hand.
Ooh.
That was good.
So jessica, you were in the movie valentine's day.
- Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.
- Which, my wife is upset at me because I always don't pay attention to valentine's day Because I think it's just a bunch of b.
S.
Invented by the greeting card companies.
- Are you one of those, like, "oh, every day Should be valentine's day, except for that one day.
" - I'm more of a, "no day should be valentine's day.
" But I guess, you know, my question is, Should I leave my wife for you? - [laughs.]
- I got a question.
- Oh, yeah, reggie? - Do you really like grilled cheese? Like-- - I do.
- Okay.
- Totally.
- I was just wondering.
- How do you feel about grilled cheese? - I think it's okay, but it reminds me of jail.
You know, just, like, all the bars, If I use the grilling machine.
- [chuckles.]
- yeah.
Jessica, you were in the movie sin city.
- Yeah.
- What is the worst sin That you've ever committed? And if it's murder, you have to say murder.
- Murder.
- I knew it.
Murder club.
- [laughs.]
- Always nice to meet another member.
- High five.
- Uh - Other hand.
- This one? Oh, okay.
- Oh, yeah.
You're not super coordinated.
- Reggie, you ever killed anyone? - Yeah.
- Jessica, when you were a kid - Yes? - Were you called jessica elbow? - [laughs.]
I probably was.
- It's okay.
I was called scott arm-man.
So, as someone who was called something on the arm-- I mean, I was called the whole arm, You were just called the elbow.
- Okay.
- So jessica, Do you have any fun new projects coming up? - What's that? - That is my frequently asked questions board.
So if you want an answer to a question I get asked a lot, just refer to the board.
- Oh, yeah, there it is.
Wow, hm.
Sorry to ask you such a common question.
- It's okay.
- All right.
Well, jessica, I've always wanted to know, When you're making a film, How do you juggle work and family? Really, you're asked that question that often? That one's there too? Sorry, I'll try to ask you something really specific.
Okay.
During the production of your latest film, On the 23rd day of shooting, What time were you called to be on set in the morning? - It's our double points video "q" of the day.
Jessica alba here on the world-famous Hollywood boulevard.
Am I often asked what my call time is On day 23 of my very last movie? Let's check.
Yes.
So sorry.
You lose 50 points.
- [groans.]
oh - And now it's time for final qs.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, Monkeys and pandas, Scott, reggie, jim kennings, Write down your qs.
[tense music.]
Time's up.
Let's see those qs.
Scott, I've been asked that question before.
[buzzer.]
The cars.
- The cars.
- Reggie? Reggie, the question needs to be In the form of a question.
[buzzer.]
Jim kennings? [soft piano music.]
I've never been asked that question before.
[audience "awws".]
I'm good.
I'm really good.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, For the 15th week in a row, Jim kennings is our champion.
That's the show.
See you next week.
- You know, I'm pretty sure I asked you how you were when you first sat-- - We'll be right back.
[cheers and applause.]
- [whistling.]
- Scott.
I'm so sorry.
I knocked over Your vase full of dirt.
- That's not a vase full of dirt, reggie.
Those are my grandmother's ashes.
- Oh, no.
- She gave those to me When I was eight.
- Oh.
So those are just ashes That belong to your grandma? - Yes.
She labeled the vase because They were so important to her.
They're my grandfather's ashes.
- Oh, no.
- He's a chimney sweep.
- Oh, so they're fireplace ashes? - I should say he "was" a chimney sweep.
We had him cremated when he died.
- Are they important or are they not? - Does this answer your question, reggie? [whistling.]
[crying.]
oh, god.
[sobbing.]
I hate chores.
- Okay, so if you haven't really, Like, done it that way, then I guess basically, You're still a virgin, right? - Oh, okay.
Welcome back to the show.
We're here with jessica alba, And very soon the head of the little miss campers Organization gina guppies will be here.
But first, it's that time of the show Where we like to let reggie ask a question.
So reggie, feel free.
- Okay.
Is this a question for miss alba? - Yeah, it's not a question for me.
- Okay, sorry.
- You can ask me questions Anytime after the show, usually.
- Okay, I'll ask you after the show.
- All right, well, jessica, Coming up next on the show, we have a new style segment Which I think you're gonna be really interested in.
- Amazing.
- Yeah.
It's time for "make the sweater better.
" - We've all had those sweaters Hanging in our closets that we used to love But haven't worn in years.
That's where scott aukerman comes in.
- I'm gonna make a cardi-gan out of this cardi-gan't.
- He's got some helpful hints about How you can take an old sweater From the closet to the runway On "make the sweater better.
" Marcy gunter has a sweater that used to be her favorite, But she hasn't worn it in seven long years of bad luck.
- Well, I bought the sweater back in the mid-2000s, I think, from some store.
I used to really love it, But I haven't worn it in years.
- Marcy lives all the way out in amarillo, texas.
So I packed up my hot rod And headed down historic route 66.
Hey, marcy, so tell me about your sweater problems.
- Well, scott, I've been a sweater lover all my life, But my favorite green sweater has a hole in the front.
- Ooh, okay, well, what I like to do In situations like these is I like to maybe Cover up that hole with a fun patch.
See? - Oh, cool.
- Coming up next is gillian catheter.
She's a hardworking mother of three With sweater problems of her own.
She live in santa fe, new mexico.
So I hopped in my hot rod And headed down historic route 66.
[rock music.]
Yee-haw.
I did have a cow, man.
Mm, you gotta lick it before you kick it.
Anybody need a lift? Route 66, baby.
It don't get better than this.
- Hi, scott.
My sweater has a stain on it.
I think one of the kids drew on it-- - Here's a patch.
Next up Is millie dinero from flagstaff, arizona.
Route 66, baby.
Fun in the sun, baby.
[glass shatters.]
I'm the king of the world.
Uh-oh.
Shipwrecked, baby.
A hot dog! [chuckles.]
Now that's my kind of grill.
Caw! When three wheels just ain't enough.
Mmm, I'm talking picante.
Now that's my dog right there.
Woof! Woof! [laughs.]
Route 66, I'm home.
[tires screech.]
ah, rats.
I never made it to millie.
Well, that's all the time we have For "make the sweater better.
" I am out of here.
But remember, stay cool.
Okay, I got to go.
But also, keep cruisin'.
Hasta la vista.
[thud, police siren.]
Oh--oh, no.
- What the hell is going on? - Ah, sorry.
[clears throat.]
sorry, no.
I'm so, so sorry.
I didn't see you there.
- You didn't see my car sitting right here? - No, I-I'm making a tv show here About making sweaters better, so-- - A tv show about making sweaters better? We're in the middle of the desert.
That makes zero sense.
- Well, you know, I mean-- All right, we'll be right back With more jessica alba and the head Of the little miss campers gina guppies.
Come on back.
- there she is, mrs [singing under beat-boxing.]
- I always wanted to be a dj.
- What happened, I mean-- - I was tone deaf.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I mean, I'm not, like-- - Welcome back to the show.
We're here with jessica alba.
And, well, it's little miss campers Cookie season once again.
So here to tell us what to expect On the cookie front, please welcome the president Of the organization gina guppies.
[upbeat music.]
- cookies - hi.
- Hi.
- cookies, cookies cookies, cookies, cookies - Great.
- Nice little theme song for you.
- Cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookies.
- Lyrics right in your wheelhouse, I would imagine, because you sell them.
- That's right.
I'm the president Of little miss campers organization.
- Great organization.
- And cookies are our main deal.
Cookies and helping the community And skillful hands, pots and pans, Sweeping and cleaning, And helping your man.
- Oh, is that a poem that you say, or-- - That--yeah, that's our chant.
- Great.
I love the organization.
I buy cookies every year.
- Oh, thank you.
- I usually buy several boxes And I keep 'em in the freezer, Save 'em for later.
So I'm really excited.
Reggie, you love the cookies, right? - Cookies! [laughter.]
- That's good.
It's good.
Jessica? - Cookies! [laughter.]
- Oh, let me try it, let me try.
Cook--cook-- sorry, I'll get it.
[weakly.]
cookies.
Okay, well, tell us about these cookies.
So, what do we got? I love your cookies.
- Do you have any with you? - Oh, yes, I brought them all.
- Oh, great.
Let's see those cookies.
- Okay, here they are.
- Ooh.
- Okay.
So they're brand-new flavors.
So they're a little more edgier.
Again, they're for america today.
And I think you're gonna like this one.
This is called deep jar of diarrhea.
This one is skip along ear wax.
- Hold on.
Back up one second, Just to the very first thing you said.
Did you say deep-- Both: Deep jar of diarrhea.
- Is that just a fun-- it looks like It's chocolate, but it's just a fun title To kind of excite imaginations.
- No, I mean, that's what they taste like.
If they didn't taste like the title, Then we would get sued for false advertising.
So deep jar of diarrhea is-- - Sorry, sorry, let me just interrupt you.
You're making shit-flavored cookies? - Oh, no, that's just one.
This is skip along ear wax cookies.
- It tastes-- - skip along ear wax.
What's that sound, mom? Oh, it's the sound of a cookie Made out of part of your ear, And skip it along into your mouth.
So you should definitely-- I recommend all of these cookies.
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- They're all very good.
- What's the-- what's that one? - This one, this is the casey anthony.
It tastes like a party, but something's missing.
What is it? What is it? And that's for you to decide.
That one's really good.
- I'm sorry.
These cookie names are terrible.
- I came up with these, so-- - Just because you came up with them Doesn't mean I can't say what I think about them.
- Well, yes, it's a free country.
- How about that one? - This is "boogerwich.
" - hm.
Got a booger sandwich coming at you.
- It's a little better-- - it's pretty fun.
A little better than casey anthony.
- What about the other one? - That's the "aidsadoodles.
" - oh.
- They're not going anywhere - No, I'm-- - Except for in your mouth.
[giggles.]
- huh? Huh? - You know who loves cookies is reggie.
- Hm? - I don't know.
- Go for the diarrhea one.
- Okay.
Pretty accurate.
- Please, sit back down.
Look, gina, I-I have to say, I don't think that you should be in charge-- You like how they taste? - I love how they taste.
- So you--you just like the taste of shit? - I had an accident.
I was on an airplane and my ears popped.
But they popped like an explosion Across my face.
- You had a brain aneurysm? - Yeah, and it just switched my taste buds.
- Okay.
Can I just say That I don't think that you should be in charge Of the little miss campers at all? You know, I think you should be relieved of your duties.
- Oh, that's a great name for a cookie.
- What? - Relieved of your duties.
- Ugh, okay.
We'll be right back.
- [beat-boxing.]
[indistinct chatter.]
- Welcome back to the show.
We're here with gina guppies and jessica alba.
And reggie, you were telling me during the break That you had some cookie ideas? - I was thinking, maybe you could have A gymnasium-flavored cookie - Oh.
- A cookie that calculates the flavor Of the spice from dune, and then maybe one That's, like, kind of dog meets amphibian, You know, but, like, Cruisin' through the caribbean.
- Wow.
Can I hire you? Can I hire him, or-- - I'd kinda like to keep him, myself.
- Well, but I would-- I would like to make an offer.
- [blows nose.]
- Wonderful.
All right.
Well, I'd like to thank my guests Jessica alba and gina guppies.
And we-- oh, no, she's back! [all screaming.]
- Everybody, freeze.
- What do we do? What do we do? - Um--ugh.
- How did you get over here? [grunts.]
Why don't you two kiss? Kiss.
Aah! Kiss! - [guttural voice.]
feeding time.
- [grunts.]
- The wolf dead.