Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e14 Episode Script

Rashida Jones Wears a Black Blazer & Flowered Pants

- Aw, man, it's so muggy out there today That the miami heat changed their name To the miami humidity.
- Oh, really? I didn't hear that.
- Yeah, it's right here in the sports section.
- Oh.
- What the-- [dramatic music] - Oh, my god.
What is that? - Reggie, that's the biggest explosive device I've seen since the movie ishtar.
High five! [cell phone rings] Hello? - Pop quiz.
There's a bomb in your studio.
Now that the show has started, it is armed.
If the show runs less than 30 minutes, it blows up.
What do you do? - Well, I guess I get so upset when I hear the news that I quit.
- What? No! Wait.
If you stop before 30 minutes, it blows up.
- Hey, reggie.
- Huh? - How long is the show normally? - 30 minutes.
- Is it live? - No, it's pre-taped, But our editors make sure that it comes in Exactly at 30 minutes.
- Are the editors any good? - [laughs] our editors are the best.
The editors are the best.
Best--the best.
Our editors are the best.
- All right, challenge accepted.
But if we do end the show in exactly 30 minutes, Then you have to blow yourself up.
- As I said when I saw the bassist for the pixies, It's a deal.
- Good one.
[beep] All right, reggie, we have to do this show In exactly 30 minutes Or else we blow ourselves to kingdom come.
Think we can pull it off? - Our editors are the best.
The editors are the best.
[soul music] - [inhales] - It's comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! - Featuring me, reggie watts - comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! aah-ha - Hey there.
Welcome to the show.
We have a great one tonight.
Rashida jones is here, As well as monster truck champion daryl drummond.
I'm scott aukerman.
And--oh! Here's something fun.
If we go either under or over half an hour, We all blow up.
So I'm gonna try to keep it right on time, If you know what I mean.
Oh, we'rng? Oh, okay.
I'll just speed up.
Okay, so I'm gonna try to keep it right on time, if you-- Oh, now we're short? Okay, well, what if I told a story? All right, so the other day, I was at the old fishing hole-- Now we're long? We're five minutes long? Well, I'll just cut the story.
Oh, we're right on time again? Well, that all worked out.
Hey, let's say hi to our friend reggie watts.
[funky music plays] Wow! Hey, so what'd you do this weekend? - I went to las vegas.
- [laughs] oh, ho ho! Yeah, "lost wages.
" - [chuckles] - So what'd you do while you were there? - Well, I had some food at some buffets, Took in a couple magic shows, And I also won $3 million gambling.
- $3 million? - Yeah.
- Congrats.
What are you gonna do with it? - Well, scott, you know that expression, "what happens in vegas stays in vegas"? - Yeah, I've heard that but I don't know How it applies here.
- I left the money there.
- [laughs] reggie That's not what the expression means.
"what happens in vegas stays in vegas" Means that you have to spend all of the money in vegas Before you can cross state lines.
[laughs] come on.
- Can't believe I left all $3 million In room 108 of the bellagio in a pillowcase.
- You could probably get back to it if you rush.
- I-- - all right, reggie.
We'll check back with you later.
Well, it's that time of the show Where we check in with some of our friends on the wall.
Hey there, rammy.
- Hey, scott.
- Mrs.
Raccoon, how do you do this evening? - Hi.
- Hi, squirrelly.
- [laughs] - and who do we have here? Holy [bleep]! It's a human head! - Pleased to meet you, mr.
- Who are you? I mean-- Did someone do this to you? Did we do this to you? - No! It's simple, scott.
I'm chad, and I'm the biggest comedy bang! Bang! Fan There ever was! I thought, "well, gosh, I sure would love To be part of my favorite show," So here I am! And, no, of course you didn't do this to me.
- [sighs] oh, thank god.
- One of your producers did.
- [groans] - It was practically painless.
Just a little pinch when the knife Broke the skin on my neck, Two straight hours of excruciating pinching When it hit my bone and sawed through my vertebrae, And then two final pinches when it snapped My vocal cords and my esophagus.
- Okay, cool.
Well It's nice to meet you, chad.
[whispers] can someone get him out of here? - Ooh, do I get a closer seat? [squeals happily] Mmm! Bye, mr.
Aukerman! I can't believe I'm in a comedy bang! Bang! Dumpster! [muffled squeal] - Whew! Boy.
All right, well, let's get to our first guest.
If you've seen the office and parks and recreation, You've seen her twice.
Let's see her a third time.
It's rashida jones.
- ooh, yeah [scatting] - su - su-su-su-su - Sussudio.
- We can't sing that, otherwise we'd owe A million dollars to phil collins.
- I can say it.
It's just a name.
- Do you think that you could say, "suss-sussudio," And you wouldn't owe money to phil collins? - I do.
- I think you're living in a dream world.
- [laughs] let's find out.
- Usually, I prepare for an interview By reading wikipedia and then just asking questions About what I find there.
- That's good.
- But there was a lot of inaccuracies on your page.
You should really try to tidy it up, Because there's stuff like that quincy jones is your dad, And like - Ohh.
- Just strange stuff.
There's a prankster on the internet I've found.
- Yeah, that's-- there's-- You know, that's been a rumor for years, So it's like, why even bother to try to clear that up? You know? - I know.
But it also says that you went to harvard.
- That is true.
- What is the square root of 8,946? [bell dings] - I think.
- Correct.
It's correct.
- Is that right? - Yeah, you got it.
So, now, you were in the social network.
- Yes, I was.
- Can I ask? Why do they keep changing the way timeline looks? - Is that facebook? Are you talking about facebook? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They keep changing the way That it's all, you know, mapped out and, like-- Have you talked to them about that? - Well, there's no "them," 'cause it was ju-- it was a fictional-- - No, yeah, it's mark zuckerberg, yeah.
Have you talked to him about what he was doing about that? - I've never talked to him, ever.
- I thought it was weird that it didn't come up When you were sitting at the table with him and, like-- - You know that it wasn't a documentary, right? You know it was not? That was--that was a movie.
It was a movie based on somebody's life.
Therefore, we were not the real real people.
- I wondered what was going on, 'cause they never called you "rashida.
" - Right.
- And you never asked justin timberlake to sing.
- Right.
- Have you ever played a "jenny" before? - I haven't.
- Okay.
We have to talk about this.
I have it right here.
According to the "goofs" page on spoofsandgoofs.
Com For I love you, man-- a movie you were in-- The macbook on the kitchen counter? It keeps changing positions In the scene where peter comes home And you're talking to your friends.
SoCare to comment? - No.
- Okay.
- Did--did nobody vet the questions? I would have never agreed to-- - We don't have a vet on the-- - I wasn't gonna go here.
Uh - Are you fake crying? - No.
- Looked like you were fake crying.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
- You're doing a fake crying bit all of a sudden.
Hey, reggie, can you fake cry? - [imitates baby crying] - So, rashida, I've always wanted to ask you, How do you juggle work and family? - You know, it's really difficult, And I try my best, but sometimes it's hectic And it stresses me out.
- Sounds like you're a little stressed.
- Buddy, you know what you need? Should we tell her, reg? [lighthearted music] - when the rat race gets the best of you - just simplify and play it cool - you gotta get--bum-bum-- back to basics - you gotta get--bum-bum-- back to basics - I gotta get--bum-bum-- back to basics? Both: and mother nature will take care of you - Dig this.
OohhhhhYes! [scratching] - Now this is livin'.
- So you guys just scratch yourself with stuff? you guys sound cooler than lionel richie but there's more to life than feeling itchy what about work and money for food? - if you wanna eat, just look under your feet - yeah, don't just peep where you always peep you gotta creep deep and do a real steep peep now, eat a bug - Wait, what the [bleep]? That's disgusting.
- Oh, is it? [crunch] - Yeah.
- Yum.
Mmm, it's good.
- Dude, it's disgusting.
- you gotta get--bum-bum-- back to basics - [gasps] - you gotta get--bum-bum-- back to basics - don't think I wanna get-- bum-bum--back to basics Both: mother nature will take care of you - now you've learned just what to do glad we could be of help to you - I'm sorry, I still am hung up on this bug thing why are there so many bugs in your studio? I think that's really weird - you seem stressed - Here.
- eat a bug - eat a bug [dark music, bugs hissing, squeaking] - Eat a bug.
- Eat a bug.
- Eat a bug! - Eat a bug.
- Eat a bug.
- Eat a bug! - [shouting] eat a bug! [lighthearted music] [crunching] - [gulps] I didn't like that at all.
[retching] - Well, then, I apologize.
All: mother nature will take care of you - [sighs] - All right, reggie, magic time.
- Yeah! - I want you to take one card, remember it, Put it back in the deck.
Shuffle up the cards.
Pick two more cards.
Remember one.
Put it in your pocket.
Say the other one out loud.
- Six of diamonds.
- Shout it.
- Six of diamonds! - You can never remember the six of diamonds anymore.
- You see your card in there? - No.
- You shouldn't.
It's in your pocket, right? - Oh, right.
- Take this deck.
Hold it up really high.
Hold it really low.
Tap it five times.
You're gonna take one card, Put it in my hair, - it doesn't go in it.
- Take two of them.
Don't remember this one.
Tear it up into tiny pieces.
Turn every other card backwards.
Put it into my deck.
Put it back like-- - Aah! This trick is too complicated! - Oh, why doesn't anyone think I can do magic? Abra-ca-pocus.
Yahoooo! Dot-com.
- When that stuff's frozen, it's called ice.
- Okay.
Hi, welcome back to the show.
We're here with rashida jones, And, well, you know what? The show's been going so great, I think why don't I give everyone The rest of the day off? Okay? You guys have earned it, okay? [set bell rings] I amOutta here! - No, no.
No, scott.
What are you doing? No.
You can't leave before 30 minutes have passed Because then we're all gonna explode.
[dramatic music] - OhRight.
I forgot.
All right, guys, everyone back.
[set bell rings] sorry.
All right, well, it's time to confront Some cheating spouses in a little segment we call "fornicators.
" [rock music] Like every man, victor manilow loves his wife Unconditionally.
But he called "fornicators" when he suspected That her personal trainer was stretching out More than her muscles.
All right, victor, this is the park Where your wife works out and-- Take a look.
Sorry, victor, your wife Is a fornicator.
[rock music] Come on, let's move in.
Come on, come on, come on.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I want to watch.
- What? You wanna watch your wife have sex with this guy? - Now you're getting it, tall boy.
And you gotta watch with me.
- Hey, I-- - Hey, you two! We got you! - Hey, lady, we're trying to do a tv show.
What is this? - You're on "voyeurs.
" - No.
No, no, no, no.
This is "fornicators.
" We just caught victor's wife having sex wthat guy.
- Oh, my god.
Victor? You're watching us on "voyeurs"? - Uh - No, you're cheating on him On "fornicators.
" - Sex is an intimate act that should be shared in private.
You all make me sick.
- [sighs] I knew it.
She's a prude.
Hey, hey! There's no escaping it.
You're on "prudes.
" Yeah, you're being totally stuck-up and most frigid.
- But we got something to defrost your turkey.
It's ecstasy.
[police radio chatter] - what do we have he? Let's go.
[siren wails] All right, hold it right there.
How many of you have permits to be filming right now? - Uh All right, down on the ground.
Put your hands on your head! - No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
[bad boys -style reggae] - the "voyeurs" gonna give you no permit - [bleep] you, man.
- "prudes" are gonna give youpermit nobody gonna give you no permit - For "location permit cops," I'm officer daniels.
- no permit - All right, we'll be right back with rashida jones, And also monster truck champion daryl drummond.
Come on back.
[cheerful music] - [garbled singing] yeah! - Welcome back to the show.
We're here with rashida jones.
[cell phone rings] oh, I'm getting a call.
You don't mind if I take this, Do you? - Mm.
[suspenseful music] - hello? - How's it going? Are you Bombing? - As a matter of fact, we're killing.
- Good one.
- Oh, you wanna say hi to rashida? - Oh, no, no, I couldn't.
I couldn't.
- She's right here.
No, it's no problem.
Say hi to the bomber.
- Hello? - [gasps] hi.
Hi, rashida.
I am such a fan.
I would so Totally hate blowing you up.
- That is, like, the nicest compliment I've ever gotten.
- Hey, you know, rashida, as a longtime fan, In the movie I love you, man, you know, How come that scene, you know, with the laptop-- Why does the laptop keep shifting position? You know in the scene where peter-- - Call back later.
[beep] All right, our next guest is about to compete For his tenth-consecutive championship At the rumble nationals, America's biggest monster truck rally.
Let's take a look.
- This Sunday, prepare to be annihilated.
Daryl drummond and big yeti are back.
- Big yeti's about to crush some skulls! - Watch him break the world record By smashing 250 cars.
Staples center this Sunday.
Get your tickets now.
Be there.
- It's skull-crushin' time! Dink.
[explosion] - Please welcome daryl drummond.
[silly music] - well, I'ma do what I can just to be the best that I can - Hello.
- I've got a plan I hope you're there to see it when it all comes through - Welcome to the show, daryl.
- My pleasure, scott.
Thank you for having me.
- Thanks so much for being here.
I'm such a big fan of what you do.
We have so much to get to.
Now, I heard something interesting, daryl.
I heard a rumor That you're retiring? - I'm gonna retire after this--this season.
I'm gonna crush 250 cars - Amazing.
- And then I'm just gonna drop my keys And say, "I'm out.
" - wow.
Why would--you're at the pinnacle of your career.
Why would you do this? - I don't know if I could kill people again.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What do you mean "kill people"? - When we first started, and I was crushing cars, And people were like, "so what? "people are crushing cars all the time.
What are you bringing to the game?" So I ha--so my-- my manager at the time Had the brilliant idea of getting people And putting 'em inside the cars.
The deal was, if you wanted to die, You can get into one of the cars, And then, at 8:00 at night-- boom-- I'd just crush 'em, you know? And the big firestones Would just--boom-- right down on 'em.
- You're--you're killing people while you-- - Now, I didn't ask for people to kill themselves.
These are people that have problems.
Drugs, euthanasia, cancer.
And when they hear my name come up, You start smelling the smoke.
- Oh, god.
Start smelling the diesel, the rubber The meth, all of it, and--boom! I come down on 'em, man.
And when those 100-- Are just smashing down, boy It's like blood lust.
- Yeah, literally.
- How many people have you killed? - Well-- well, I started in 1992.
- Oh, god.
- I killed about 30,000 people.
Listen, the way this started was very organic.
Very cool situation.
People with cancer.
People with euthanasia.
People with-- - No, yeah, you've--you've described these people before.
- Now we're trying to get people that-- Drifters - Oh, god.
- Ex-cons, people without families.
- People who won't be missed? - Exactly.
- I'm now realizing That your signature move at the end of your rallies, Where you stand on top of all of the cars, And you pee on the cars - That's right.
That's a big thing.
- That's like a desecration.
- My penis had its own facebook page.
- [shudders] - well, that's impressive.
- "dicky piss" is what I called it.
Um, I had about 300 fans before I was forced To take down the site.
- No.
You can't continue doing this.
- I'm gonna continue.
And you're gonna go to staples.
You're gonna watch this.
- I'm not going to staples.
And rashida, I look forward To hanging out with you that night, Even if we don't go to staples.
- That's not gonna happen and that's not gonna happen.
- You know what is gonna happen? A clown car full of homeless people - Oh, god.
- Comes out, And you hear the [sings circus music] [imitates engine revving] Big yeti comes out and smashes the heck Out of those little bums.
- Daryl, I-I'm gonna have to alert the authorities.
I mean, you're a serial killer.
We need to have you arrested.
- Listen to me.
I got good friends in venezuela.
By the time this goes on tv, That's where I'll be.
And I'm not sayin' I ain't made mistakes, 'cause I have made mistakes.
And good lord knows, I make a mistake, He's cool with it.
- Please don't go to the staples center This--this week.
Please - Get there early If you want to see the little clown car get smashed up.
- W-we'll be right back.
[beeping] - [indistinct reggae singing] - That's matt moyd.
- I'm a fervent lover of the arts, literature, Music, what have you.
And while I hate to nitpick, occasionally, I'll have a single qualm.
It's time for "my one problem.
" I finally got around to reading Herman melville's classic, moby dick, And I have to say, wow.
It is quite possibly my favorite novel of all time.
An amazing story, but my one problem-- I didn't really like the part with the whale.
I mean, you've got captain ahab, You've got ishmael, you've even got a boat.
Let's focus on that, okay? Now, there's a book.
Do we really need some white whale in the mix Muckin' things up? I was not a fan.
But other than that, My favorite novel of all time.
Ah, broadway.
The sights, the sounds, the excitement.
I have been a broadway fanatic my whole life.
My one problem-- Why all the theaters featuring plays and musicals? You know? I mean, everywhere you look On that street, there's some show playing.
Can't a guy just go to the disney store in peace? Well, that's my one complaint about broadway.
I do love the place, though.
Broadway fanatic.
And finally, water.
I love the stuff.
My one problem-- why the two hydrogen atoms? I'm trying to watch my weight here, people.
[chuckles] "h2o"? Let's just make it "ho" and call it a night, okay? Thank you.
Well, that's our show.
It's been a fun one.
Oh, no.
[time bomb beeping] We're still 20 seconds short.
The studio, it's gonna ex-- [explosion] Oh, well, it seems the explosion footage That our editors put into the show Is gonna come in handy, huh? Looks like we're gonna wrap up right on time.
- Yeah, but shouldn't they have put in any other footage Aside from an explosion? - Ehh, you know what they say.
Explosion footage is cheap.
- Well, you know, I think I was wrong before.
Our editors are-- [line edited in] are the best.
- You can say that again.
- Our editors are-- are the best.
- Yes, mr.
President of the United States, I made sure the episode came in exactly on time.
And may I say how much I appreciate yourGratitude? [maniacal laughter] Yes, I somehow got rich off of this.
[engine revving, clang] - The wolf dead.