Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e15 Episode Script

Jim Gaffigan Wears a Blue Jacket & Plum T-Shirt

[steam whistle sounds] - [sighs] - Oh.
- Not so fast.
You're late again.
Do you think you can just come in whenever you want? - Look, I'm only, like, - No, you are You got me broadcasting dead airtime right now.
Our ratings are lower than the final episode of m a s h.
- [scoffs] - [groans] listen! You're already in hot water for last week's episode.
The fcc is all over my ass for nipplegate.
- All I did was say the word "nipple," And it was during my "baby bottle review" segment.
Very popular.
- Listen, buster You can't be too careful in this climate.
And you know what happens when things get sloppy? Somebody's got to come around and mop up the sloppy seconds.
- Wait.
So you're saying that you want our sloppy seconds? - [laughs] - no! I'm saying you're on notice.
No more screwups! And that goes double for you, jazzy.
- [mouths words] - Just get to work, you two giant assholes.
We'll bleep that later.
Start the show.
- You heard him-- start the show.
[soul music] - [inhales deeply] It's comedy bang! Bang! - Yeah.
- comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! uh-huh - Hey, there, welcome to comedy bang! Bang! We have a-- Hey, um, am I framed up properly? - Sorry.
It's my first day.
I always thought you'd be shorter.
- That's strike one, tall boy.
- Okay, well, we have a great show tonight.
Jim gaffigan is here, As well as physicist dr.
Lloyd fleen.
I'm scott aukerman.
And, you know, I may not be mark or david knopfler, But I am in dire straits tonight.
If we screw up too much, we're all out of a job.
Anyway, hey, speaking of screwups, Let's say it to our good friend reggie watts.
- ass and titties and nipples and butts ass and titties and nipples and butts ass, ass, ass, titties Ass? - Reggie, god, what a time For you to finally get into rap music.
- Strike two! - I'm sorry, scott.
I'll clean it up.
- Yeah.
- arms and legs and toast and water arms and legs and toast and water arms and legs and toast and water - All right, well, hey, reggie, how are you? - You know, scott, I've been thinking about these suspenders.
- Yeah? - I'm not digging them so much lately, So I think I'm gonna take 'em off.
I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen, right? - No, reggie, don't! - That's a ball-- bit outside.
If you didn't have a t-shirt on, you'd all be out.
All right, I'm going to the bathroom.
All these screwups are giving me I.
- Ugh.
- One more screwup, and you're all fired.
[dramatic organ music] - Well, anyway our first guest on tonight's sh-- - [laughs] the host with the most.
What's up, scott? - Oh, no, it's hooch the mooch.
Oh, reggie, of all the times for him to surprise us With one of his patented unannounced visits.
- Hey, scott.
- What--what are you doing with that plant? - Oh, I'm taking it.
I'm a vegetarian, so I got to eat something.
Hey, man, do you mind if I crash on your couch For, like, four or five segments? - Hooch the mooch, come on, You can't just crash out on my couch In the middle of a show.
- Oh, really? Oh, can I have that boom mic? Can I have this? - They're not supposed to see it.
- Then you don't need it, right? - No, we need it.
It's just supposed to be our of frame.
- Okay.
Can I have the frame? - Ugh, god, hooch.
All right, fine, you can crash on the couch, As long as you promise to be quiet And as long as you get out of here before my boss comes back.
- All right, I'll be quiet.
No one's gonna notice me, scott.
Calm down.
Can I have this? - No, you can't.
This is for jim gaffigan.
He's gonna be out here in just a second.
- Oh, can I have this one, then? - Yeah, go ahead and sleep on that one.
- I'm gonna keep this one.
Nighty-nighty, aphrodite.
- What--we need those.
Come on.
[claps hands] - Hey! [screaming] Where am I? - You're back on my couch.
Where'd you think-- You were asleep that quickly? - Oh, man, I just had a deep [bleep] nightmare, man.
You know those real realistic nightmares? - Fine, move your-- move your feet down.
- Okay.
- That's fine.
All right, well, it's time to get to tonight's first guest.
You may know him from his breakout role As tonight's first guest From the tv show comedy bang! Bang! Please welcome jim gaffigan.
[strange electronic music] Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Thanks for having me.
- Sorry, that's hooch.
- Hi.
- He'll just be quiet the whole time.
- How you doing? - Okay.
- Well, it's so nice to meet you.
- Good to see you too.
- Jim gaffigan.
- Gaffigan.
- Yes.
- That's my name.
- I assume "jim" is short for "james.
" - It is.
- What is "gaffigan" short for? - It's short for "gaffiganopoulos.
" - Oh, really? - You know, my parents were greek immigrants, and - I can see that.
- Yeah.
So we-- We kind of shortened it, 'cause it was pretty aw-- It was awkward.
- For show business? - Yeah, and also it's just, Like, my football jersey was too long.
- Mm-hmm.
- Stuff like that.
- I hate it when you're playing football, And you have to wear a football jersey All the way down to your knees.
- Yeah, that's awkward.
- Now, jim, you're a stand-up comedian.
- I am.
- Why is there always a stool onstage? Is that to tempt you away from standing up into sitting down? P.
, am I funny? - Yes.
I mean, to the first question.
I would say that the stool is-- That goes back to when they invented stand-up.
- Mm.
- Mark twain actually-- He was also--he started-- he used to do articles, And then he would do shows.
- Is that how you started-- articles first? - I started with articles first, mostly in parade magazine.
Well, I would write questions in to parade magazine.
- Oh, okay.
Letters to the editor.
- Yeah.
- That's not really an article.
- Kind of like-- some of my more famous ones, I asked, "is tom cruise a good guy?" That was one of my questions.
But back to the story-- - What was-- what was the answer, if I may? - The answer was, "yes, he is a good guy.
" - Fantastic.
I've always thought that.
- It was some good insight provided.
- So, jim, you are a stand-up comedian.
- Yes, I am.
- How do you deal with hecklers? Tell you what, why don't I just ask you a question - Okay.
- And then reggie and I will heckle you, And we'll see how you deal with it.
- All right, all right.
- So, uh, jim, where were you born? - [bleep] you.
- Wow.
So you just preemptively do that Before anyone even gets a chance to do it? - Your mom's fat.
- Reggie, are you ever heckled? - Yeah.
- Do you ever feel sad when that happens? - I mean, it's okay.
- Yeah.
Do you ever feel sad? - Isn't that what food's for? - Oh, right.
- You don't feel sad if you're eating.
- [chuckles] - right? - That's true.
- [grunts] - sorry.
- You stole my red shoes while I was sleeping.
- No, these are mine.
- These are his, hooch.
- Those are mine, man.
- Hooch! - This is bull[bleep].
I go to sleep, you steal my shoes.
- The pope gave me these shoes, hooch.
Are you all right? - No, man, I need some sleep.
- All right, we'll try to keep it down, hooch.
- Just keep it down.
- Sorry.
- Yeah, sorry.
- Started dreaming about a stool.
- Jim, do you think comedians should steal each other's jokes? - I would say probably no.
- Hmm.
- That usually is a bad thing.
- There's a big debate on that issue.
- I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that I'm against racism.
- Wow.
Reggie that-- that affects you directly.
- [exhales deeply] yeah.
- I also support the troops.
I don't know about you guys.
- I don't go that far.
- Yeah.
- Jim, they say that laughter is the best medicine.
- Yes.
- In your opinion, what is the second-best medicine? - Um, well, that's a very good question.
- Thank you.
- I would say the second-best medicine is probably, um, sleep.
- Just sleep it off.
Really? - We're talking about hangovers or? - Anything.
Cancer, broken leg.
- Cancer-- I don't know if-- - anything in that spectrum-- Cancer, broken leg.
- I don't know how much cancer has been cured by laughter.
See, that seems like it would be bad.
Like, I've got-- I've got colon cancer, And then you're like, "ha ha ha!" I don't know if a cancer patient would react positively to that.
- Wait, so you're the doctor laughing at them? - Well, if laughter is the best medicine-- - I think what that means is that If there's something wrong with you, You laughing helps, not people laughing at you.
- Oh, so you're turning it on its side.
So the doctor has cancer.
- So, jim, I've always wanted to ask you, How do you juggle work and family? - Well, I'm not physically juggling them.
But I, uh--I'm-- - wha-- Sorry, excuse me.
Who are you guys? - Oh, these are-- These are guys from my reality show.
- Oh, I didn't know you had a reality show.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I got a reality show.
They capture everything.
They follow me, you know.
From the bedroom to the bathroom, you know, everything.
You want to see a clip? - Oh, okay, let's check out that clip.
[peppy music] - So I'm really excited 'cause today I get to be On my favorite television show of all time.
Comedy bang! Bang! It's gonna be good.
It's gonna be good.
[upbeat music] [upbeat music] - You may know him from his breakout role As tonight's first guest from the tv show comedy bang! Bang! Please welcome jim gaffigan.
[serene music] - What makes the show so great is scott aukerman Is really, really good at hosting.
- Jim, they say that laughter is the best medicine.
- Yes.
- In your opinion, what is the second-best medicine? - Well, that's a very good question.
- Thank you.
- Or so I thought.
- Oh, I didn't know you had a reality show.
- He didn't even know I had a reality show.
- [slowed down] I didn't know you had a reality show.
- Do some research, man! - Look, I love scott, but sometimes he mistreats people.
And I couldn't let that slide.
What's your deal, bro? No one treats jim gaffigan like that! [dramatic music] - [sighs] - Hmm.
Well, that looks interesting.
Good luck with that.
- What's your deal, bro? - No one treats jim gaffigan like that! - Well, then come on, bro, let's do this! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Let's do this! - What is going on here? - Uh, nothing.
We're just, uh, having a mid-show hug.
[chuckles] hi, reggie.
- Good.
We'll be right back with no more screwups.
- Hey, that's my job.
We'll be right back with no more screwups.
- [giggling] [upbeat guitar music] - You've watched the show.
You've loved the show.
Now be the show.
Comedy bang! Bang!: Call to action, the video game.
[blipping] Using the "paddle" to bounce the "ball" around Really simulated the way that I use my mouth To make conversational topics bounce around on the tv show.
- Freeze! You're under arrest for making a video game That's nothing like the tv show it's based on.
[gunshot] - Yes [blipping] - [grunts] - It - [grunts] - Is! - [grunts] No [grunts] It [blipping] Isn't! - Incredible how the skin just fell off my arm Like a plastic glove.
- Welcome back to the show.
We're here with jim gaffigan, and dr.
Lloyd fleen Will be out here in just a second.
Reggie and I made up over the break.
And now, this is the part-- - Hey, man.
Keep it down.
I'm trying to have a wet dream over here.
- Hooch-- - How many wet dreams can he have? - I can have four in one day.
- Please don't do that on our couch.
Reggie, do you have a question for our guest? - Yeah, you have a very famous joke, um, about crepes.
I was wondering, do you have any other future jokes About other handheld foods? - I-I do have a lot of crepe jokes.
But, um, they're gonna be on my next special, And I don't want to really give 'em away.
- Ah.
- All right, well, before the show goes any further, I did want to show everyone This really cool thing I got at a flea market.
- Oh, awesome.
- Check this out.
It's a robotic singing fish.
[laughs] - That's not a real fish.
Not a real fish.
- No, no, no, this-- no, no, no.
But, um, when I press this button it sings, And wouldn't it be hilarious, reggie, To put this on our wall? - Yeah.
- Imagine that-- a talking animal on our wall.
Here, check this out.
- here's a little tune I scribed - [sighs] - [sighs] - you might want to sing it line by line [machinery whirs] don't be anxious - [groans] - be joyful - [laughs] So, yeah, let's just put this up on the wall and-- - Scott, you already have animals on the wall.
But if you like singing, well, we could sing.
And a-one, two, three, four.
All: [out of tune] we like to sing we like singing, I know - Ooh, that is terrible singing And a very poorly written song, I might add.
But you guys are my friends, And if you don't want this fish on the wall, Well, it is out of here.
Eric? - All right! - Yay! - Good-bye, fish! - Yeah! - What do you mean I don't have any more room For platinum records on my mantel? You're my carpenter.
Make room.
- don't be anxious - hold the phone.
- be joyful [cash register rings] - here's a little tune I scribed you might want to sing it line by line don't be anxious be joyful here's a little tune I scribed you might want to sing it line by line don't be anxious be joyful - Hey, bobby! Bobby! It's your cousin marvin! Marvin mcferrin.
Man, you got to hear this! [laughs] - don't be anxious - You know what, man? I really think you should sue this fish.
Yeah, for ripping off your song! And I'll help you do that, 'cause I'm also your lawyer.
I'm both your cousin and your lawyer-- Marvin mcferrin, attorney at law.
[dramatic music] - Order! Order! Will the stenographer please read back The defendant's testimony? - "listen to this tune I scribed.
It is fun to sing it line by line.
" - Objection, your honor! He's lying through his gills! - Jeez.
- [groans] - What? Just because I'm an attorney, I can't be funny? Your honor, I'm gonna need to tell jokes to plead my case.
- Enough! I've reached my decision.
Seeing as the defendant is a fake fish And this entire trial is pretty stupid, I'm declaring it to be a mistrial! - Awesome! - No.
- That's bad, right? - Yeah.
- Look up "mistrial.
" [suspenseful music] - Hmm.
Well, we'll be right back with more jim gaffigan, And dr.
Lloyd fleen is coming up--come on back.
- You should read that too.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
No, I wasn't going to throw this away.
You can--yeah, go ahead.
It's a pretty interesting story.
- What happened to al roker, where he did it in his pants-- That happened to me right now.
- Oh, my g-- Hey, welcome back.
We're here with jim gaffigan, And we're still one strike away from being fired.
But our next guest is here to help elevate the conversation.
He's a brilliant scientist With a new invention he wants to share with us.
Please welcome dr.
Lloyd fleen.
[upbeat keyboard music] Hi, dr.
- Hi.
- So nice to meet you.
- Thanks for having me on the show--I'm really excited.
- Oh, great.
Okay, and you're a quantum physicist.
Tell me a little bit about quantum physics.
- Well, here's what I do, scott.
I like to focus on particles on a microscopic scale.
- Okay, well, that sounds really interesting.
And it looks like you have a brand-new discovery That you want to share with everyone.
- Oh, yes.
I certainly do, scott.
- Okay.
- Take a look at my greatest achievement.
[triumphant music] - my word, that is big.
What exactly is that thing? - Scott, this here is a machine that teleports your hands So you can touch your wife's tits.
- W-what? - It teleports your hands so you can touch your wife's tits.
Here's how it works.
You reach your hands in the machine, It teleports them wherever your wife may be, And you touch her tits.
- Wait, wait, wait, back up.
It--it teleports? This is gonna revolutionize transportation.
This is crazy.
- Ooh, scott, no, it has absolutely nothing To do with transportation, It's specifically for touching your wife's tits.
- No, no, no, no, dr.
Fleen, You made it big enough that you could Just put your whole body in there.
- Why would you need your whole body to touch your wife's tits? You just use your hands.
- No, I'm saying you could walk into it, right? - Uh-huh.
- And then you would be transported - Okay.
- Anywhere you want to go in the world, Like--like France.
- My wife lives in glendale, So France would be kind of a waste of time.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, forget about your wife.
- Uh, no.
I love my wife.
- No--I--okay, I realize you love your wife, But what I'm trying to say is think of the thousands of people Who fly on airplanes every single day, okay? - Mm-hmm.
- They would really want to use your machine.
- Scott, I could make a fortune.
- Yes! - I can put the machine on the plane, And people can touch their wives' tits while they fly! Aukerman, you've done-- oh.
The machine won't fit on a plane.
- [sighs] - Never mind.
- Okay, all right.
Fleen, this is just for your hands, that's it? It doesn't do anything else? - Well, it's actually got a pretty amazing feature.
I am quite glad that you asked, scott.
Feast your eyes over here.
I've attached a phone so you can call ahead, Tell your wife to take off her bra.
- I'm sorry.
Fleen, I think it's a little weird that you're a grown man, A scientist, and you're obsessing over touching breasts? - Well, if you think that that's weird, Then call me "king weirdo," scott, Because I married a round-chested woman, And by god, I'm gonna touch her tits till the day I die.
- That's actually really sweet.
- You're damn right it's sweet, scott.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some work to do.
[dial clicking] Uh, hey, honey, can you lose the brassiere? It's tit-touching time.
[chuckles] okay.
[machine whooshes] - whoa.
- Tit-touching Time.
- That's how you warm up? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's go-- - Hi, honey.
You forgot your lunch at home, So I came to drop it off.
- Wha-- - Barbara fleen? But if you're here, then who is he-- [sultry jazz music] - whoo-hoo-hoo! [giggling] Hey, what are you doing back there? [laughing] Ah Can you blame me? - Uh, we'll be right back.
- Where's the music? - Oh, um ba, ba, ba, bum [beatboxes] - Get the fleens involved.
- Fleens, come on.
[all scatting] - boo, doo-boo boo, doo-doo, doo-doo - ba ba, ba-ba, buh-- Boo-doo, boo-doo? - boo, doo-doo, doo-doo - No, no, bah, bah, bah.
- ooh, boo-boo, boo-boo - Since I was 15, Yeah, the murder conviction isn't even on my record.
- Oh, I've heard that.
Hey, welcome back.
We're here with jim gaffigan, and what a show.
- Hey, the shower's completely out of hot water.
- [scoffs] hooch.
- My pubes are all over your soap.
It's disgusting.
- Hey, thanks, man.
See? He gets it.
He knows how to make a comfortable pillow for a guy.
- Whoa, no.
Hey, hold on.
- Hooch, come on, man, You said you were gonna be gone by the end of the show.
My boss is gonna be back here any minute.
- Is that the way it is, scott? - Yeah.
- You know what? I don't need your stinkin' couch.
- Good.
- Smells like farts anyway.
His farts.
- It's true.
- "hasta la pasta," baby.
I'm out of here.
You can take this stupid towel too--how about that? - Whoa, oh - Jeez.
- Hooch [dance music] Where did this music come from? - What the hell is going on now? - I'm sorry, sir.
It's not me, it's-- Hooch the mooch showed up, and he's screwing up my show.
- So you must be el jefe The man in charge-o.
I got this, scott.
I'll butter his bread.
All this chaos, all the mistakes, All the craziness going on It's not scott's fault.
It's been my fault the entire time.
- That's admirable, son.
But you don't have to take the fall for this Terrible host! - Um, he's not taking the fall.
He's actually just telling the truth.
- If anyone's gonna be fired today, It should be me who gets fired.
[audience aws] - no one needs to be fired.
This guy doesn't even work here.
We just need to change the locks.
- You know, I can't say I'm not once again Disappointed in you, scott.
But if you inspire this kind of loyalty in your friends, I guess you can have your show.
- Hey.
- Really? Okay.
- On One condition.
[dramatic orchestral music] I want to see a lot more of this guy! [laughter] - How can you see more of me? [disco music] - [laughs] - I feel like dancing too.
- Come on! - [laughs] - Would you please stop freezing the fra Ames? - Come on, scott, it's good for the show.
[engine revving, crash]