Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s03e14 Episode Script

1 - Ah! Worst day ever.
- Hi, Reggie.
What's the matter? You look sad.
- Hey, big squirrel.
Yeah, I am a little sad.
Last night I went to bed with water and oats in my mouth, and woke up with oatmeal in my beard.
- You know, Reggie, it's okay to feel sad.
You just have to remember that brighter days lie ahead.
- Gee, big squirrel, thanks.
That's great advice.
- Hey, Reg.
Who are you talking to? - Uh Nobody.
- Imaginary friend, huh? There's nothing to be ashamed about.
As a matter of fact-- - one minute to show, Mr.
Aukerman.
Hey, who were you talking to? - Oh.
Uh Nobody.
- Imaginary friend, huh? Can I get you anything before the show? Water? Coffee? - Hey, Stephanie.
Who you talking to? - Oh, uh Nobody.
- Well, could you clear set? I'm trying to set up frame.
- Howard, who are you talking to? - Oh, uh Nobody.
- Well, we need to get back to our job, which is filming an empty chair and keyboard for 30 minutes a week.
- Hey, Janie, who are you talking to? - Oh.
Uh, nobody.
- Okay.
Well, let's get-- - hey, big squirrel.
Who are you talking to? - Oh, uh Nobody.
- And now who are you talking to? - What do you mean? I'm talking to And I thought these were nuts! It's Comedy Bang! Bang! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! - # Comedy Bang! Bang! # Comedy Bang! Bang! - Featuring me, Reggie Watts.
- # Comedy Bang! Bang! # Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Uh-huh - Hey, there.
Welcome to Comedy Bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
Dane Cook is here, as well as the cast and creator of the hit television drama Millersville.
I'm Scott Aukerman.
Oh.
I should have mentioned I threw a Boomerang before the show started.
Let's say hello to our good friend, Reggie Watts.
# # Great song, Reg.
Hey, I have a question.
Did you always want to be a musician when you were growing up? - No.
Funny enough, I pictured myself being a fireman.
- Oh? Because you like to put out fires.
- No, I love starting them.
I love, you know, finding something to burn and, like igniting it and fanning the flames and watching it consume whatever I put in the fire.
- But, Reg, what you're talking about is actually considered arson.
- I see.
Yeah, well, I guess then, as a kid, I always wanted to be an arson man.
- Well, good luck with that.
We'll check back with you later.
All right, well, guys, this is very exciting because we have tonight the cast and creator of the hit cable TV drama Millersville here on the show.
I'm super excited.
In fact, thousands of 'svillers have gathered outside our studio.
They're all just waiting to see the cast of their favorite show reunite one last time before they go away.
Well, yeah, where's the key? Hopefully we'll find that out on the last show.
Boy, and I have to say, Reggie, it's great to see quality television get a little attention instead of that reality crap that they're always showing, like the Garrison Valley Grifters.
Ugh, I hate that show! Terrible.
All right, well, before they come out here, let's get to our first guest.
He is one of the only comedians to ever sell out Madison square garden.
Let's see how he does in an empty room with just Reggie and me.
Please welcome Dane Cook.
- Hi.
- Hi, Scott.
- So nice to meet you.
- How you doing? - Please.
- What's up, Reg? - Yes, sir.
- All right.
- Dane Cook, how are you? - I'm very good.
Good to be here.
- Good.
Great to have you.
- No, it's great to be here.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- You are one of the greatest stand-up comedians of our generation.
- That is not true, but - Oh, humility! - Who paid you to say that? - Reggie did, actually.
And then I pay him his salary, so it all is very circular.
- Yes.
- But--ooh.
I paid him to do that as well.
You're not getting a bonus for that one.
- So, Dane, you are the lead character Dusty in both Planes and the Planes sequel.
Fire & Rescue.
- I'd heard that about you.
That's so interesting.
- Thank you.
- So, Dane, I am going to read a list of a few names.
- Yes.
- And you tell me whether they're beloved characters from an animated movie about Planes - Okay.
- Or the names of amateur porn stars.
- Okay.
- Dusty Crophopper.
- That is Planes.
That's my--that's my character.
- Very good, very good.
Leadbottom the bi plane.
- That is also from Planes.
The film that I'm Yup.
- Very good, very good, yes.
Fat dong sex slave.
- I'm gonna go porn on that one.
- Planes.
- Oh! - Yeah, sorry.
- That must have been an ancillary character.
I wasn't recording that day.
Aw! - Oh, that's too bad.
Well, you know, I actually have my own animated script that I'm trying to get Pixar to look at, and I thought maybe it would create a little buzz.
Buzz, like lightyear If maybe you and I read a scene from it here on the show.
So there you go.
- This is wildly unprofessional, but it is your show, so - All right, let's do this.
In the spirit of toy story, Cars and Planes, my script is called Sweaters.
Okay, now you can play Wolford, our young, wide-eyed hero.
I will read for cashmere, a sexy sheer little number.
And Reggie over there is gonna play Irregular, a dumb redneck sweater full of holes.
And go.
- I know I may look, ahem, like a small, but I have the heart of a double-xl.
Things aren't always as they "seam.
" I know you think I'm just spinning another yarn, but it's crew Neck.
Listen, Wolford, you're hanging by a thread here.
I'm putting my v-neck on the line for you.
- Duh, maybe we should pull over and quit argyling.
Yee-hey.
- Guys, in order to convince Mr.
Aukerman to wear me on Comedy Bang! Bang!, I need to Wait.
- Is everything all right? There's 120 more pages.
- No, Scott.
Is this script about your sweaters hoping that you'll wear them on your show? - That's what they sound like to me.
- I don't think this has mass appeal.
- But will Pixar like it? - Yes.
- So, Dane, you are the world's record holder for the longest stand-up set ever at the laugh factory.
- Yes.
- Do you hang out with any of the other world's record holders, like the guy with the longest fingernails, or - Um, no, I don't hang with him.
I do--I did hang out with a woman with the largest vagina once.
- Oh, really? - She showed it to me.
- Reggie's mom? - Reggie's mom.
And it was a very strange experience.
She showed it to me.
I don't know how they measure that in terms of-- - I think they blow up a balloon inside it.
- Well, it goes from the back all the way to mid-stomach.
It just goes like that.
- That's how Reggie got out of there.
Reggie was born this size.
- Yeah, I didn't-- I didn't know that.
- So, Dane, you grew up in Boston, right? And you were really into sports, I take it? - I'm the ultimate sporto, some would say.
- Really? Well, let's put your sporto knowledge to the test with a sporto sports trivia.
What do you say, old sport? I think you mean old sporto.
- And let's play ball.
- All right.
Let's put 30 seconds on the clock and see if you can beat the record of 12, set by Annie Potts yesterday.
- Ah.
- Here we go.
Your time begins now.
Who was the 1961 women's Wimbledon champion? - Pass.
- Which American swimmer holds the record for most gold medals? - Pass.
- In baseball, who was nicknamed "the sultan of SWAT"? - Ha.
Pass.
- In football, what do you call it when a quarterback throws a ball to another player? - I have no idea.
- What sport does Michael Jordan play? It involves a basket and a ball.
- Pass.
- And time.
Wow, Dane, I have to say, I don't think that you know anything at all about any sport.
- Well, confession time, Scott? I I'm not the ultimate sporto.
In fact, I--I've never even been to a sports - A sporting event? - What is that? - Never mind.
So, Dane, you did some of the voices in Grand Theft Auto V, which is a Roman numeral for five.
- Yes.
- Right? - Now, I'm stuck on the hotel assassination mission.
Could you recite some of your lines, and maybe I could get some clues of how to get out of it? - If you want to get out of this, if you want to live, put the money in the mattress and throw it out the sixth-story window.
Now! - I think I know how to do it.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- That's one of my favorite-- I was so proud to finally do a voice in a game that I'd spent so much time-- - what other games have you done voices for? - There was Cubert.
I'm the original voice of Cubert.
You're the original Cubert.
- This is the guy.
- I know, it's not as good when you don't have all the wizards fixing it up.
But I did that.
- I don't like to brag.
I did Donkey Kong.
- Did you really? Chh-chh-chh! - Wow.
- Deedle-lee-ling! - Yeah, it's like I'm there.
- Reggie, you did one, right? - Yeah, I did Zaxxon.
- Ooh! Twoo-twoo! Twoo-twoo-twoo-twoo-twoo! - That's the fourth level.
- Yup.
- Pyramid level.
- Yes.
- Oh, we're all video game guys.
- Wow, look at us.
- Yeah.
Do you know Ms.
Pac-man by any chance? - I used to masturbate thinking of her.
- That round body.
- Oh, God.
She looked good.
- Little bow.
- Big mouth.
- Yeah, a bow.
She was always Yeah.
- Eating those pellets.
So, Dane, I have to say it is such a pleasure and a treat to have another hunky comedian on the show.
I mean, finally, someone I can relate to.
Am I right? - Not sure I know what you're talking about, but - Oh, I'm just saying, you know, we're both comedians.
We're both super handsome.
We both have ripped bods.
- Don't know if I can go there with you.
- What do you mean? - Well, you know, I just-- I don't mean to be rude, but you look more like a, you know, like a bird and not like a man.
- I look like a bird? Why--why would you say that about me? I mean, I don't look like a bird.
That's ridiculous.
I don't look like a bird, Dane.
That's stupid.
I don't look like a bird! - Oh, my God! It's him! It's him! - Oh, I get this all the time.
I got it.
Hi, ladies.
- No, we weren't talking about you.
We were talking about him! We have never seen a saddle-billed stork out in the wild before! We are from the Young Bird Watchers' Society.
And we actually brought some fresh worms for you if you're hungry.
- I don't want worms! I'm not a bird! I'm not a bird! - Oh, my God! He's squawking! - I'm not a bird! - He's squawking! - Hey, hey! This is my good friend, and he's a man, not a bird.
- Thank you, Dane.
- Yeah.
- I wouldn't mind some of those worms.
I'd like a little bit of a snack.
- Reggie! - Reggie! - All right, we'll be right back with my good friend Dane Cook, and the cast and crew of Millersville.
Come on back after this.
- Whoo! I wish I could fly! - Hey, Scott.
Check out these new pants.
They have little kangaroo pouches on the back.
- Yeah, those are called pockets.
You got 'em on the front too.
- Oh, wow.
It's like having four little kangaroo pouches on one pant.
- That's pretty standard for pants.
Most of them have four pockets.
Little kangaroo pouches.
Yeah, they're really convenient.
You can keep stuff in them, like your wallet or keys.
Or even your hands.
- Ah, they're really warm! - Thanks, Scott.
- Oh, Reggie.
Where have you been keeping your wallet and keys? - Me and Betty White just getting it on all night in a field.
- That's incredible! I've never heard that story.
Welcome back.
Hey, we're here with Dane Cook.
And coming up soon, my interview with the cast and creator of Millersville.
Let's check in with those fans outside.
Wow, they are excited.
It's gonna be good.
But first, the network wanted me to read this promo.
Don't forget to tune in Thursday night for an all-new Garrison Valley Grifter Gang.
Ugh.
On this week's episode, Hubs, Gomer, Scoots and Toots concoct a scammy scheme to swindle the shirt right off of a patsy's back.
Hee-hoo, that Garrison Valley Grifter Gang is at it again.
Ugh.
Sorry.
Sorry about that.
- What? Huh? - Yeah.
Terrible, terrible stuff.
All right, well, moving on to more important things.
Reggie, what are you doing this weekend? You want to get together or something? - Sorry, Scott, I can't.
I'm really, really busy.
Check it out.
The modern workplace is changing.
That's why I'm taking classes at I.
C.
C.
Tech.
The jobs of tomorrow are here, and I.
C.
C.
Tech knows that a degree is more than just a piece of paper.
It's the foundation for the rest of your life.
Earn your degree in Accounting, web design That's me, Reggie Watts, in my very first commercial.
After starring in dozens of commercials for technical institutes across the country, I decided to start I.
C.
A.
T.
I.
C.
Enroll at I.
C.
A.
T.
I.
C.
And let me teach you everything you'll need to know for acting in commercials.
Things like Having a conversation while walking down a hallway, moving a mouse with one hand while touching your chin with the other, and thoughtfully nodding at your own reflection in a computer screen.
And that's not all.
We'll also cover smiling while crossing your arms # # - I knew that I didn't have the looks to play a leading lady in other commercials, but I.
C.
A.
T.
I.
C.
Helped me to discover that I do look like a regular person who lacks the necessary skills to get a good job.
- I was impressed by how they combine theory and practice in their curriculum.
- Stop, Brian.
Look, this isn't Shakespeare, okay? I need it to be a little bit more monotone, and I need to barely be able to understand what you're saying.
Okay, again.
- I was impressed by how they combine theory and practice in their curriculum.
- Much better.
I love the mumbles.
Why wait another minute? Enroll today.
Are you like me? Have you been forced to shut down your acting institute because numerous students failed to pay their tuition in full? If so, don't wait another minute.
Call the law offices of Gable, Gable & Watts, and get the money you deserve right now.
- So, wait, are you an actor, a teacher, or a lawyer? - I can't answer that right now, Scott.
I've got too many TVs and VCRs to repair.
- All right, well, we'll be right back with more Dane Cook, and the cast and creator of Millersville after this.
- I grabbed him by the throat.
I said, "bleep you, George Stephanopoulos.
- Well, he deserved it.
Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Dane Cook.
Well, here it is.
In the town of Millersville, Indiana, things may not always seem as they actually are, because in a town like Millersville, occurrences are not as normal as you might expect.
With those amazing words, every episode begins, and it is time, finally, to will the 'ville.
May I present to you the cast and creator of the one and only Millersville.
Oh, hello.
- Such a pleasure.
- Likewise.
Thanks for having us.
Hi, how are you? - Good to see you.
- Oh! - Can I just say it is so surreal to see all of you here together.
That's amazing.
My first question, if I could begin, where's the key? - Ah! Nice try! - Not gonna tell you, man.
- But, seriously, tell me where it is.
- Lips sealed.
- We can't tell you.
- Hey, but you can't blame me for trying to find out where the key is, right? - Can't blame you, but can't tell you.
- But, seriously, can you blame me? - Ah, we're not gonna do it, though.
It's funny.
- But, seriously Millersville has just become part of the fabric of our culture.
Charlie Pedactor, you play Darren Miller, the dark, twisted, former town council person for whom we can't help but root.
- I--I just have to say this because I'm freaking out a little bit-- hearing your voice next to me, it's like I'm sitting next to Darren Miller.
It's kind of crazy.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Continue.
- I'm just a guy.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Sheila Linter, you play the ever-effusive miss Villy Millers.
- Yes.
- She is the, of course, the strong-willed aspiring incumbent female town council person.
I just love your work.
- Oh, thank you.
And I have a surprise for you.
- Oh, what is this now? Oh, my goodness! Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh! Where's the key? - That's the question I want to know.
- I know! - Oh, I cannot wait to get this on.
Here we go.
Oh, boy.
A shirt in the shape of a "t.
" Who thinks of these things? Wally Casinos, you play the mysterious gun-holding man, and yet I was interested to hear that you actually have a background in stand-up comedy, of all things? - That's true, Scott.
Uh Honk, honk.
Bah! - Very, very funny.
Very, very funny.
Erwin Allison, the brilliant mind behind Millersville.
Erwin, how did you come up with the original idea? - I just knew I wanted to do something clever, not like the Garrison Valley Grifter Gang, and reality shows like that.
- Oh, they're garbage.
- They're garbage.
- You guys are so much - Less than garbage.
- Better than that.
All right, it's time for a little fun.
In the seven years that we've spent at Millersville, we've met a lot of the town's residents.
But there's one in particular who always seems to get left out.
Take a look.
- Hey, I'm Gil, the Millersville locksmith.
I used to have a pretty good life around here.
But lately, things have gotten pretty loco.
If you're looking for some mystical key that will unlock the ancestors' jewel box, I can't help ya! Just leave me alone, will ya? - Oh, my God.
That was so funny.
That is so funny, Scott.
Seriously, though.
Real bleep funny.
- It really was.
- Yeah.
- But, hey, coming up after the break, we have the clip that everyone has really been waiting for.
That's right, we have a sneak peek at the series finale episode of Millersville.
You won't want to miss this.
Come on back.
So, guys, um, where's the key? - So you guys get together every single night? - Yeah, all the time.
- That's amazing.
Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Dane Cook and, of course, the cast and creator of Millersville.
And it is the most hotly anticipated moment of the night.
It's time to see that sneak peek of the season finale of Millersville, which will be on this Sunday.
It's time to will the 'ville.
Let's take a look.
You son of a bitch.
- You didn't think I could do it, did you villy? You laughed at me.
When I said that it was wrong of former farmer Mills to doubt my lies But I Know Something You Don't Know! - Not the precise location of the key that we've been searching for lo these many years? - The truth is it's been buried in the graveyard the entire time.
It's just 35 paces due South from the tip of former friar's tomb.
- What? No.
- # The key # was in the graveyard the whole time - Was that the final scene of the very last episode? - Yeah.
- The very last scene? - Uh-huh.
- Last one.
- Finale.
- Absolutely.
- And we found out where the key is.
- Yup.
- Why would you show that to us? You spoiled the finale! - Scott, you make a good point.
We apologize.
- This is ridiculous.
Reggie, aren't you upset about this? - I--I don't really care.
I--I've--I haven't seen the show.
I don't even know what it's about.
I've never seen an episode.
- Can I tell you a secret? I've never seen one either.
I've never even heard of it.
I've been reading these cue cards, all the information, and looking at your faces-- nothing's ringing a bell.
That clip-- I don't know any of it.
- I'm relieved to hear you say that, because I was just going with the flow.
- Boy, I mean, to be honest, Millersville.
That sounds fake, right? - Well, Scott, you, uh, kind of caught us in a little white lie.
- Wait, a little white lie? That your show is real? - Small.
- Why would you do this? Where did you get all these TV Association awards? - We buy these at the mall.
- You buyed these at the mall? Do you mean you bought them at the mall? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- I mean, you got to fake it till you make it, baby.
- Wait a minute.
Here's why they're so familiar.
They're the Garrison Valley Grifter Gang! - The Garrison Valley Grifter Gang? What are you guys here to grift? - Scott, your t-shirt.
- Wait, wha--what? Well, it looks like that Garrison Valley Grifter Gang is at it again.
- See ya! - # well, it's that # Garrison Valley Grifter Gang and they're up to their old tricks making up shows and stealing shirts just to get their kicks - Damn you, Garrison Valley Grifter Gang! - The wolf dead.