Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s03e16 Episode Script
Amber Tamblyn Wears a Leather Jacket & Black Booties
1 - Into the oven Thou goest.
- Hi, Reg.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Can't wait to get a taste of your famous cooking.
- Oh, thanks, Scott.
You know, I'm so excited.
I sent out invitations weeks ago.
[Boing.]
- "The roast of Reggie Watts"? - It's because I'm roasting this Thanksgiving turkey, you know.
It's gonna be delicious, and I set up a special area where we can sit and eat it.
It's gonna be awesome.
And I, of course, will be sitting next to the dais or the hot seat, as I like to call it, as it is closest to where the roasted turkey will be placed upon the table.
What a wonderful evening this shall be.
Ha ha.
[Humorous fast notes.]
- Uh, say, Reggie, who exactly did you invite to this "roast"? - All my best friends.
Uh, Jeffrey Ross, Whitney Cummings, Anthony Jeselnik.
- [Southern accent.]
The kings of zings.
Huh.
I don't believe this.
Those razz-slingers are gonna give Reggie the tongue-lashing of the year.
All he wants is to provide a nice Thanksgiving dinner for his friends, but how can I break it to him that he's in for a relentless and raunchy ribbing? - Scott, you've been kind of quiet.
Is there anything on your mind? - Uh, no.
Happy Thanksgiving, Reg.
[Timer dings.]
- Ooh! [With a brogue.]
Me potatoes.
[Soul music.]
- [Inhales.]
It's Comedy Bang! Bang! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! - Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! - Featuring me, Reggie Watts.
- Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Uh-huh - Hey there.
Welcome to Comedy Bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
It's our Thanksgiving special, and actress Amber Tamblyn is here.
I'm Scott Aukerman.
Oh, by the way, if you're a dog watching this at home, well, then, who's a good boy? [Light music plays.]
I knew it.
You are.
Let's say hello to our good friend Reggie Watts.
[Playing funky notes.]
[Timer dings.]
[Water bubbling.]
- Mmm.
- How's it going over there, Reg? - Beautifully.
My guests are going to love it.
- Oh, your guests are gonna love it, all right.
And by it, I mean the act of feeling bad about himself.
And by love, I mean feel positive affection.
Poor little guy.
- Scott, you keep blanking out for seconds at a time.
You're clearly not speaking.
- Oh, it's nothing, Reg.
- Oh, hey, [dinner music plays.]
Did I show you all the comments that my guests wrote on their RSVPs? Jeffrey Ross writes, [ominous music.]
"Get ready, pal.
I'm really gonna hand it to you.
" He probably's gonna bring a bottle of wine.
Gonna hand it to me at dinner.
[Dinner music resumes.]
Whitney Cummings says, "you're gonna get burned.
" [Ominous music.]
I think she's talking about my hands from all the cooking.
But the joke's on her, 'cause I've been wearing oven mitts.
[Dinner music.]
Anthony Jeselnik writes, "I'm gonna zing ya"? [Ominous music.]
Uh, I think he means I'm gonna sting ya.
Not sure what sting ya means, but I'm sure it's just a typo.
[Swallows loudly.]
- Hey, Reg, speaking of your roast, you know how sometimes when friends get together, they have a tendency to razz each other? I was thinking you might want to be prepared with a comeback.
For instance, you could say to Jeffrey Ross, "you're so fat that your blood type is ragu.
" - Ha ha ha - Scott David Timothy Aukerman, I would never speak to my guests like that.
This Thanksgiving is going to be a classy and genteel affair.
Now, if you'll excuse me [Dramatic musical buildup.]
Mmm! - All right, Reg, we'll Check back with you later.
[Reg slurping.]
Well, coming up on the show, we-- [doorbell rings.]
- Milk time! - Well, if it isn't Milton the milkman just in time for Thanksgiving.
How's it going, Milt? - Well, the milk is cold, so everything's great.
[Both guffaw.]
I got your regular order-- two bottles of 2% milk.
- You know, Milton, I've always wondered.
What's in the other 98%? [Cheerful music plays.]
- Motor oil.
- Daddy, daddy, will you play catch with me? - Hi, son.
Well, of course I can't.
It's Thanksgiving.
Why don't you say hi to Milton, though? - Hi.
- All right, so I should hit the road.
I don't want to intrude here.
- Daddy, daddy, can we have a tea party? - Oh, no.
That would spoil your daddy's Thanksgiving dinner.
But you know who could, milkmina, is Milton the milkman.
- No, no, no.
No tea parties for me.
I got to scoot before the milk spoils.
[Ominous notes.]
- Honey, have you en our kids? Milton, what are you doing here? - Hi there, honey.
I mean, Mrs.
Aukerman.
- Ugh! You're three months late on child support, you lazy slob.
It's no wonder I let Scott adopt our kids.
- You make a good Pint.
- Get out of here, you loser.
[Light music resumes.]
- Bye, Milt.
Ha ha.
All right, kids.
Daddy's in the middle of a show.
[Children giggling.]
- Run along, guys.
Be careful.
- Uh, that means you, too.
- Oh, okay.
[Bottle clinks, liquid pours.]
- Uuhhh! Motor oil.
Bleehh! [Squeaking.]
Uhh.
All right, well, let's get to our first guest.
We've all heard of amber waves of grain.
Let's hope Amber waves at me when she comes out here.
It's Amber Tamblyn.
[Synthesizer music.]
Hi! Ooh [Music continues.]
- [Purring, burbling.]
- Lovely.
- [Burbling.]
[Reggie continues burbling/purring.]
- Ha ha ha ha ha [Echoing.]
[Whispers.]
Amber - Scott.
- Oh, sorry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What a warm greeting.
- How are you? - Happy Thanksgiving.
Thank you so much for choosing to be here instead of with your family.
- Yes, of course.
- What are your Thanksgiving traditions? - Food.
- Food! - Yeah.
- That's almost an everyday tradition for me.
- Yes, but, um, in this case, I am an actress, so I don't eat the rest of the year.
- My goodness.
So, Amber, people would know you fromTwo and a Half Men where you played the long-lost lesbian daughter - of Charlie Harper.
- Mm-hmm.
- But isn't it unfair that there are two and a half men for every 70¢ a woman makes? [Solemn music.]
I'm s-- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
[Solemn music continues.]
I'm so sorry.
I didn't--I didn't-- I didn't realize that was a hot-button topic for you.
Play something happy.
[Slightly more upbeat music.]
Ha-ha-ha.
Happy Happy times.
Happy times.
Think of something happy.
- No? No? No? - Is that better? - Yeah.
- Okay.
So Amber, it's so great to have you here, mainly because I want my pants back.
- Oh, of course, Scott.
I actually-- I-I brought them back for you.
Thank you so much for letting me borrow them.
- Yeah, no problem.
Although it would've been nice if you would've returned them nine years ago when I loaned them to you.
- Oh, I know.
I'm so sorry.
It's just a bunch of friends and I shared them over a couple summers, and it was really amazing.
We were having all these incredible life experiences.
[Dramatic chord.]
- You let other girls wear my pants? God, tell me it was just one time.
- Well, a few years later, there was a second time.
- Aah! Please tell me there wasn't a third occasion.
- There's not.
- Thank you.
- Yet.
- What? - Listen, I had to wear them, and sometimes I'd wear them when I was traveling all around the world.
- Well, I guess it's pretty cool that these jeans have seen a lot of pretty cool places, huh? - Yeah.
I mean, I would, you know, I'd wear 'em when I had to go to the pharmacy or when I was getting tampons or when I was visiting the casino because I have a gambling addiction.
- You were just wearing them to do errands? - Oh, actually there was one really cool time.
I think you'd like this.
I wore them on the red carpet at the Oscars.
[Orchestral fanfare.]
- Oh, wow! - Yeah.
It's a red shaggy carpet [fanfare stops.]
At my uncle Oscar's house.
- Why did you think I would like that? - Because you're weird.
Why do you own women's jeans? - I have slender hips.
[Crash.]
[Seal barks.]
So, Amber, a lot of people don't know you started out in soap operas in General Hospital.
I would love to see your best soap-opera reaction to some shocking news I'm going to give you.
- Okay.
- Okay, here we go.
[Suspenseful music.]
I'm sleeping with your sister who's also my brother.
[Music ends.]
You look like you're in a horror film.
- Oh, actually, I have to fart.
[Passes gas.]
Know what I'm sayin'? - I would really rather not.
So, Amber, I have always felt thatTwo and a Half Men is really an allegory for the struggle of the minority to become whole in a society which punishes those without privilege.
Ah, Amber.
Hi.
Are you bored and/or sleepy? - Uh, yes, Scott, I am.
How did you know that? - I can see the cartoonishly large thought bubble above your head.
- You can see that? Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
How embarrassing! Please accept my apology.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
Anyway, as I was saying, two and a half men? I mean, why the half man, right? I mean, it really should be three completely whole men, and yet the half man-- Amber! - What? - You're doing it again - I-I'm so sorry.
I don't know why it keeps happening.
I-- - you would rather be sleeping or eating than be on my show? I mean, do you even want to be here? - Scott, let me prove to you how much I want to be here.
[Solemn music.]
[Harp-like notes.]
Aah! - Well, thank you so much.
It's so nice of you.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, my gosh.
[Ding!.]
So, Amber, I have always felt that just-- - [high-pitched.]
Peeeeehhh! - What was that? Was that a sneeze? - Yeah.
I have really, uh, really tiny sneezes.
Oh, here comes another one.
Pppbbbooohh! - [Laughs.]
Oh, that is just the cutest tiniest sneeze I've ever heard.
- You're right, Scott.
It is the cutest tiniest sneeze you've ever heard, but unfortunately, it's a little too tiny.
- What do you mean? [Suspenseful music.]
- My doctor told me if I don't have a big sneeze sometime soon, all the pressure that's in my head is gonna make it explode.
- Explode? Well, when? - Within the next 60 seconds.
- Oh, my gosh! We have to make you sneeze the biggest sneeze you've ever snoze.
What makes you sneeze? - Uh, the cold.
- Eric, bring a fan in for miss Tamblyn.
[Flapper music.]
Okay [Air howling softly.]
- Getting colder? - Ooh.
- Good job, Eric.
Keep it comin'.
- Ooh.
- You've almost got it, love.
- Ooh Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah [Squeaky.]
Chee-ch-choo! - Aah.
Eric, get out of here, you blasted fool.
Ahh.
Didn't work.
You know, I always figured one of my guests would die on the show.
I never thought-- - haghnahhagnahagnah haghnagh-- Schindler's List! [Ah-choo, squish.]
Oh! Oh, that's better.
- Uhh I feel as if I've had an encounter with onionhead, aka slimer.
Anyway, we'll be right back with more Amber Tamblyn after this.
[Upbeat music.]
- Sorry.
[Music playing.]
- Potatoes and gravy and stuffing, too If you're like me, you love Thanksgiving because it's the only time of year you get to hear all of your favorite Thanksgiving songs.
Mr.
president please pardon my turkey - football, all the dads are watching football - napkin rings I'm running out of napkin rings - I'll be having pizza this Thanksgiving - stuffin', yeah, it's all just bread - let's hang [Off-key.]
the Christmas lights early - gimme that dark meat, gimme that light meat gimme that thigh meat - it ain't the parade if Roker ain't fat - yams - Now, this is what we are referring to as music-- Thanksgiving Carols.
Only $1,000? [Sustained note continues.]
- yams - ah nah - You know, I heard he was frozen somewhere in Anaheim.
- Oh, wow.
Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Amber Tamblyn, and it's our big Thanksgiving show and-- [doorbell rings.]
Oh! - Our first Thanksgiving guest is here.
- Oh, no.
- Come in.
- Reggie! - Jeff Ross.
- The sultan of insultin'! - I can't wait to hand it to you tonight This bottle of wine.
- Oh[Laughs.]
- Say what? - Happy Thanksgiving, Reg.
Thanks so much, Jeff.
- Of course, man.
[Doorbell rings.]
- Ah--there he is.
- Hey! - Let me at him.
- Oh! - Hey, man! - Hey.
- Whitney Cummings.
Ooh, things are about to get gruesome and go bluesome.
- I am warning you.
You are gonna get burned tonight.
- Ooh! - Here it comes - Oh, you know what? You have an oven mitt.
You're fine.
Never mind.
[Both laughing.]
- Oh, my God.
Yes.
Oh.
- Reggie, I'm gonna zing ya.
[Ominous music.]
- Ooh.
- You mean You're gonna sting me? - Yes.
- What does it mean? - I don't really know.
Forget it.
Hey, friends.
- Hi.
- Happy thanks.
Aw, man.
- Why don't you guys have a seat? Good to see you.
- Come on.
- Right here? - Yeah, yeah.
Take a load off.
[Chattering.]
- I know.
- Hey, you guys, hey, hey, hey.
To Reggie, a guy we would never want to insult, huh? - To you, Reg.
- Thanks, guys.
- Sure.
[Clink.]
- Cheers, Reg.
- Love you, buddy.
- Cheers.
Cheers.
- Well, maybe this feast of foul language will be a feast of fine fare after all.
All right, we'll be right back with Amber Tamblyn and our big Thanksgiving special.
[Funky music.]
That was incredible.
- I don't know who they are.
- You don't know who they are? - No, none of 'em.
- Who's this Bruce Wayne character that everyone keeps talking about? - I think he's a millionaire playboy of some sort.
Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Amber Tamblyn.
And let's check in with our roast guests to see how they're doing.
- Jeff, I just want to tell you.
You look so handsome these days.
- Sorry, what was that? I was just listening to Anthony's newest album and being reminded once again [Tinny laughter from earbuds.]
That, Anthony, you, my friend, are a genius.
- Genius.
- Thank you, Jeff.
- Hear, hear.
- And, Whitney, the immortal bard could've been describing only you when he wrote, "haply I think of thee, "and then my state, "and to the lark at break of day arising "from sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate.
" - Oh.
Sonnet 29 is my favorite.
- 29.
- My favorite! - Oh, my go-- - thank you.
- Well, it seems to be going pretty well so far.
What do you say-- - hello? Hello? I'm hungry.
- [Gasps.]
Aah! - Oh, no! Aah! - Aah! - Oh! - Aah! - Happy Thanksgiving! - Fourvel? - Hello.
- Fourvel, what are you doing here? - I never really left, Scott.
I kind of been hanging around looking for scraps.
- I thought you went home with Bill Hader.
- No.
I killed him.
- Uh, Bill Hader's dead? - Yeah, he dead.
I stabbed him to death - With my knife! - Oh, God! - Yeah, he got a little mouthy, so I stabbed his neck off.
- Okay, put it away, Fourvel.
- I'm putting it away.
I'm putting it away.
Jeez, so worried all the time, Scott.
Calm down.
Hi, Amber Tamblyn.
- Amber, this is Fourvel.
He's a stabby little orphan - Hello.
- Who lives on the streets and fights for scraps.
- I thought I was the only guest.
- He's not a guest.
- Oh.
- He's an intruder.
- I'm not an intruder.
I'm an orphan boy.
- They're not mutually exclusive.
- I'm not gonna lie.
I broke in, okay? I may have stabbed a security guard - in the eyes and face.
- Oh, no! Not Manuel.
- Manuel is Not have a face anymore.
Very nice man.
I'm sorry I had to do it.
But I came in here because I smelled the glorious smell of toi-key.
- Reggie's making that turkey for our guests over here.
- You're making it for your guests? Well, funny.
I'm on the couch.
I guess that means I'm a guest.
- turkey for me.
- I don't know.
I mean, he's got a lot of roast guests over here.
You know, six people is a lot of people to eat one turkey.
I think maybe it's better - Yeah.
- You didn't have any.
- 'Cause you're a bleep assbleep.
Happy Thanksgiving! Scott Aukerman is a bleep assbleep.
- Come on, Fourvel.
Come on.
- Oh, I got my own comedy show.
I'm a little bleep smart-ass.
bleep you, man.
Just some toi-key.
- Fourvel, come on, please don't use that kind of language-- - it's just turk-- I'm gonna kill you, Scott! - Fourvel, put it away! - Just gimme a little piece of turkey! - No! - That's all I ask for.
- Not on Thanksgiving! - Amber Tamblyn, can you spare some gravy for a little orphan boy? That's all--I mean, like a thimble full of gravy.
- Really? A thimble full will do? - Yeah.
Like, just put enough gravy to cover the face of a dime.
- There's no loose gravy to be had, Fourvel.
I'm sorry.
- Scott, this is bleep ridiculous, man.
- Fourvel, you don't have to curse in front of a lady.
Amber Tamblyn is here.
It's Thanksgiving.
- Well, Amber-- let's get it straight.
Amber Tamblyn is a woman.
- Put on your Thanksgiving voice, if you would.
- Put on my Thanksgiving voice? Who the bleep? [Alters voice.]
Oh, thank you.
It's Thanksgiving.
[Normal voice.]
Who the-- there's no such thing as a Thanksgiving-- this is my voice, the voice that God gave me.
[Alters voice.]
Okay, happy Thanksgiving, everyb-- [normal voice.]
No.
That's bleep stupid.
- Actually, I like that a lot better.
- You like that better? Well, I don't like your face.
How about I cut it off and wear it as a hat? - How's that? - Fourvel, please! - Look at my Thanksgiving hat.
That's my Scott face.
Uh-oh.
Here comes another one.
- No, Fourvel, please! Don't do this--kill Amber first.
- No! Kill Scott first.
- Amber Tamblyn, you're fine.
Don't worry.
I not gonna touch you.
I'm a big fan.
- Then put it away.
Put it away.
- You were on 15 episodes of House that I enjoyed very much.
- Glad you enjoyed them.
- Fourvel, what are your Thanksgiving traditions where you're from? - Where I'm from? [Somber music.]
The streets, you mean? I pull up a little piece of sidewalk just for me, and I get a nice big, fat rat, and I take the lid off, and I go, "Mmm.
Thanksgiving.
You know what I'm thankful for?" Then, like, a car will drive by and splash me, and I'll cry for, like, an hour 'cause I realize I don't have a family.
Audience: Aw - That being said, I did murder my family.
- I feel like maybe Scott and I should adopt you.
- [Gasps.]
Really? Would you adopt me? That way, I could be your little baby boy.
That's all I've ever wanted.
- Oh.
- I mean-- - Scott.
- Yeah, we tried this the last time he was on the show.
- Hey, hey, don't bleep block, bro, okay? - Come on, Fourvel.
Come on.
- Amber Tamblyn's a nice lady trying to adopt me.
- You're free to adopt him if you want, but I-- leave me out of it.
- Oh, no, I'm not a part of this, but thank you so much.
- Well, Amber Tamblyn, what, you're backing out now all of a sudden? - All right, Fourvel, settle down.
- I wasn't talking to you, Scott.
You shut your bleep mouth.
I'm talking to Amber Tamblyn for a second.
Hey, Amber - Okay, I'm listening to you.
- What's up? What's the What's the bleep deal, man? I know you're a busy actress and you got stuff to do, but, like, I'm a nice boy.
- You--you--you're definitely-- I mean, you're very unique.
- Oh, thanks.
Oh, yeah, that sounded sincere, too.
I appreciate it.
- Yeah, yeah, no-- - I really believe you.
- You're very unique and, um, got a great-- you'd be a great character actor.
- I would be a great character actor? What does that mean? Like a Paul Giamatti type? Like a bleep ugly guy? Like a fat piece of shit, wha-- - Fourvel, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay? - I'm gonna have to ask you to remove your own neck-- - no.
Come on, Fourvel.
You have to put that away! - Put the knife away! - We'll be right back with more Amber Tamblyn, and Fourvel will be gone, hopefully.
- No.
I'm gonna stay.
Happy Thanksgiving! - God, Fourvel, no! No! - Happy Thanksgiving.
- No! [Groans.]
Oh - Turns out that Lost was a documentary.
- Yeah, well, of course.
Hey, welcome back.
Uh, we're here with Amber Tamblyn and, of course, little Fourvel.
- Hello.
- And you know what? This has turned out to be a great Thanksgiving special after all.
Hey, Reggie, how's that turkey looking? - Guys, the sup is up.
- Whoo.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- There you are, sir.
Miss.
- Mmm, thank you.
- Sir.
- Thank you.
- Scott.
- Ah.
Reggie.
To our host.
What am I thankful for this year? [Chuckles.]
Well, from where I stand, I see a man surrounded by friends.
Friends hungry for, not morsels of food, [soft piano plays.]
But kinship.
And that, Reggie, makes you a master chef in the kitchen of life.
- This tastes like dog shit.
- Uh, dog shit would be implying that it was once food.
I mean, I may as well put a bleep in my mouth.
- That is inappropriate language for this table.
- Careful.
This is our friend that you're verbally roasting at a high heat.
- This roast is toast, Jack.
- Hah.
- But I followed mom's recipe.
"30 minutes at a thousand degrees"? [Crunch.]
- Reggie, Reggie, it's okay.
It's just a little crispy.
- On the outside, but in the middle, it's bloodier than a bleep with a bleep In a bleep on her quinceañera.
- How dare you insult Reggie! - But wait.
What do you guys expect from jazzy over here? I mean, he's just a music man with a bush for a beard.
- Oh, Whitney.
- Stop it.
Stop it right now, you savages.
- Come on, man.
We're just goofing around.
It's funny.
- Oh, it's funny, is it, Jeffrey? You want to know what's funny? You! [Both gasp.]
- That's right.
In fact, I think that you're so fat that when your doctor took your blood type, he found out it was ragu! - [Gasps.]
- Yeah.
- Oh, what's the matter, Anthony? Jeselnik doesn't want to get his jesel nicked? - [Gasps.]
- Yeah.
Show no mercy, Scott.
- Okay, Scott, we're sorry.
We're sorry, roast master.
Stop, please.
- We had no idea what it felt like.
I mean, in all our years of roasting, no one has ever turned a vitriolic tongue on us.
- Not once.
Not never.
- Not once.
Not never.
- I don't know.
I don't know what-- I'm sorry, Reggie, but I j--oh.
- Scott, forgive them for they know not what they do.
[Heavenly choir sings.]
This is truly my last supper.
- Halle lu jah yams [Engine revs.]
[Clatter.]
- The wolf dead.
- Hi, Reg.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Can't wait to get a taste of your famous cooking.
- Oh, thanks, Scott.
You know, I'm so excited.
I sent out invitations weeks ago.
[Boing.]
- "The roast of Reggie Watts"? - It's because I'm roasting this Thanksgiving turkey, you know.
It's gonna be delicious, and I set up a special area where we can sit and eat it.
It's gonna be awesome.
And I, of course, will be sitting next to the dais or the hot seat, as I like to call it, as it is closest to where the roasted turkey will be placed upon the table.
What a wonderful evening this shall be.
Ha ha.
[Humorous fast notes.]
- Uh, say, Reggie, who exactly did you invite to this "roast"? - All my best friends.
Uh, Jeffrey Ross, Whitney Cummings, Anthony Jeselnik.
- [Southern accent.]
The kings of zings.
Huh.
I don't believe this.
Those razz-slingers are gonna give Reggie the tongue-lashing of the year.
All he wants is to provide a nice Thanksgiving dinner for his friends, but how can I break it to him that he's in for a relentless and raunchy ribbing? - Scott, you've been kind of quiet.
Is there anything on your mind? - Uh, no.
Happy Thanksgiving, Reg.
[Timer dings.]
- Ooh! [With a brogue.]
Me potatoes.
[Soul music.]
- [Inhales.]
It's Comedy Bang! Bang! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! - Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! - Featuring me, Reggie Watts.
- Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Uh-huh - Hey there.
Welcome to Comedy Bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
It's our Thanksgiving special, and actress Amber Tamblyn is here.
I'm Scott Aukerman.
Oh, by the way, if you're a dog watching this at home, well, then, who's a good boy? [Light music plays.]
I knew it.
You are.
Let's say hello to our good friend Reggie Watts.
[Playing funky notes.]
[Timer dings.]
[Water bubbling.]
- Mmm.
- How's it going over there, Reg? - Beautifully.
My guests are going to love it.
- Oh, your guests are gonna love it, all right.
And by it, I mean the act of feeling bad about himself.
And by love, I mean feel positive affection.
Poor little guy.
- Scott, you keep blanking out for seconds at a time.
You're clearly not speaking.
- Oh, it's nothing, Reg.
- Oh, hey, [dinner music plays.]
Did I show you all the comments that my guests wrote on their RSVPs? Jeffrey Ross writes, [ominous music.]
"Get ready, pal.
I'm really gonna hand it to you.
" He probably's gonna bring a bottle of wine.
Gonna hand it to me at dinner.
[Dinner music resumes.]
Whitney Cummings says, "you're gonna get burned.
" [Ominous music.]
I think she's talking about my hands from all the cooking.
But the joke's on her, 'cause I've been wearing oven mitts.
[Dinner music.]
Anthony Jeselnik writes, "I'm gonna zing ya"? [Ominous music.]
Uh, I think he means I'm gonna sting ya.
Not sure what sting ya means, but I'm sure it's just a typo.
[Swallows loudly.]
- Hey, Reg, speaking of your roast, you know how sometimes when friends get together, they have a tendency to razz each other? I was thinking you might want to be prepared with a comeback.
For instance, you could say to Jeffrey Ross, "you're so fat that your blood type is ragu.
" - Ha ha ha - Scott David Timothy Aukerman, I would never speak to my guests like that.
This Thanksgiving is going to be a classy and genteel affair.
Now, if you'll excuse me [Dramatic musical buildup.]
Mmm! - All right, Reg, we'll Check back with you later.
[Reg slurping.]
Well, coming up on the show, we-- [doorbell rings.]
- Milk time! - Well, if it isn't Milton the milkman just in time for Thanksgiving.
How's it going, Milt? - Well, the milk is cold, so everything's great.
[Both guffaw.]
I got your regular order-- two bottles of 2% milk.
- You know, Milton, I've always wondered.
What's in the other 98%? [Cheerful music plays.]
- Motor oil.
- Daddy, daddy, will you play catch with me? - Hi, son.
Well, of course I can't.
It's Thanksgiving.
Why don't you say hi to Milton, though? - Hi.
- All right, so I should hit the road.
I don't want to intrude here.
- Daddy, daddy, can we have a tea party? - Oh, no.
That would spoil your daddy's Thanksgiving dinner.
But you know who could, milkmina, is Milton the milkman.
- No, no, no.
No tea parties for me.
I got to scoot before the milk spoils.
[Ominous notes.]
- Honey, have you en our kids? Milton, what are you doing here? - Hi there, honey.
I mean, Mrs.
Aukerman.
- Ugh! You're three months late on child support, you lazy slob.
It's no wonder I let Scott adopt our kids.
- You make a good Pint.
- Get out of here, you loser.
[Light music resumes.]
- Bye, Milt.
Ha ha.
All right, kids.
Daddy's in the middle of a show.
[Children giggling.]
- Run along, guys.
Be careful.
- Uh, that means you, too.
- Oh, okay.
[Bottle clinks, liquid pours.]
- Uuhhh! Motor oil.
Bleehh! [Squeaking.]
Uhh.
All right, well, let's get to our first guest.
We've all heard of amber waves of grain.
Let's hope Amber waves at me when she comes out here.
It's Amber Tamblyn.
[Synthesizer music.]
Hi! Ooh [Music continues.]
- [Purring, burbling.]
- Lovely.
- [Burbling.]
[Reggie continues burbling/purring.]
- Ha ha ha ha ha [Echoing.]
[Whispers.]
Amber - Scott.
- Oh, sorry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What a warm greeting.
- How are you? - Happy Thanksgiving.
Thank you so much for choosing to be here instead of with your family.
- Yes, of course.
- What are your Thanksgiving traditions? - Food.
- Food! - Yeah.
- That's almost an everyday tradition for me.
- Yes, but, um, in this case, I am an actress, so I don't eat the rest of the year.
- My goodness.
So, Amber, people would know you fromTwo and a Half Men where you played the long-lost lesbian daughter - of Charlie Harper.
- Mm-hmm.
- But isn't it unfair that there are two and a half men for every 70¢ a woman makes? [Solemn music.]
I'm s-- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
[Solemn music continues.]
I'm so sorry.
I didn't--I didn't-- I didn't realize that was a hot-button topic for you.
Play something happy.
[Slightly more upbeat music.]
Ha-ha-ha.
Happy Happy times.
Happy times.
Think of something happy.
- No? No? No? - Is that better? - Yeah.
- Okay.
So Amber, it's so great to have you here, mainly because I want my pants back.
- Oh, of course, Scott.
I actually-- I-I brought them back for you.
Thank you so much for letting me borrow them.
- Yeah, no problem.
Although it would've been nice if you would've returned them nine years ago when I loaned them to you.
- Oh, I know.
I'm so sorry.
It's just a bunch of friends and I shared them over a couple summers, and it was really amazing.
We were having all these incredible life experiences.
[Dramatic chord.]
- You let other girls wear my pants? God, tell me it was just one time.
- Well, a few years later, there was a second time.
- Aah! Please tell me there wasn't a third occasion.
- There's not.
- Thank you.
- Yet.
- What? - Listen, I had to wear them, and sometimes I'd wear them when I was traveling all around the world.
- Well, I guess it's pretty cool that these jeans have seen a lot of pretty cool places, huh? - Yeah.
I mean, I would, you know, I'd wear 'em when I had to go to the pharmacy or when I was getting tampons or when I was visiting the casino because I have a gambling addiction.
- You were just wearing them to do errands? - Oh, actually there was one really cool time.
I think you'd like this.
I wore them on the red carpet at the Oscars.
[Orchestral fanfare.]
- Oh, wow! - Yeah.
It's a red shaggy carpet [fanfare stops.]
At my uncle Oscar's house.
- Why did you think I would like that? - Because you're weird.
Why do you own women's jeans? - I have slender hips.
[Crash.]
[Seal barks.]
So, Amber, a lot of people don't know you started out in soap operas in General Hospital.
I would love to see your best soap-opera reaction to some shocking news I'm going to give you.
- Okay.
- Okay, here we go.
[Suspenseful music.]
I'm sleeping with your sister who's also my brother.
[Music ends.]
You look like you're in a horror film.
- Oh, actually, I have to fart.
[Passes gas.]
Know what I'm sayin'? - I would really rather not.
So, Amber, I have always felt thatTwo and a Half Men is really an allegory for the struggle of the minority to become whole in a society which punishes those without privilege.
Ah, Amber.
Hi.
Are you bored and/or sleepy? - Uh, yes, Scott, I am.
How did you know that? - I can see the cartoonishly large thought bubble above your head.
- You can see that? Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
How embarrassing! Please accept my apology.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
Anyway, as I was saying, two and a half men? I mean, why the half man, right? I mean, it really should be three completely whole men, and yet the half man-- Amber! - What? - You're doing it again - I-I'm so sorry.
I don't know why it keeps happening.
I-- - you would rather be sleeping or eating than be on my show? I mean, do you even want to be here? - Scott, let me prove to you how much I want to be here.
[Solemn music.]
[Harp-like notes.]
Aah! - Well, thank you so much.
It's so nice of you.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, my gosh.
[Ding!.]
So, Amber, I have always felt that just-- - [high-pitched.]
Peeeeehhh! - What was that? Was that a sneeze? - Yeah.
I have really, uh, really tiny sneezes.
Oh, here comes another one.
Pppbbbooohh! - [Laughs.]
Oh, that is just the cutest tiniest sneeze I've ever heard.
- You're right, Scott.
It is the cutest tiniest sneeze you've ever heard, but unfortunately, it's a little too tiny.
- What do you mean? [Suspenseful music.]
- My doctor told me if I don't have a big sneeze sometime soon, all the pressure that's in my head is gonna make it explode.
- Explode? Well, when? - Within the next 60 seconds.
- Oh, my gosh! We have to make you sneeze the biggest sneeze you've ever snoze.
What makes you sneeze? - Uh, the cold.
- Eric, bring a fan in for miss Tamblyn.
[Flapper music.]
Okay [Air howling softly.]
- Getting colder? - Ooh.
- Good job, Eric.
Keep it comin'.
- Ooh.
- You've almost got it, love.
- Ooh Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah [Squeaky.]
Chee-ch-choo! - Aah.
Eric, get out of here, you blasted fool.
Ahh.
Didn't work.
You know, I always figured one of my guests would die on the show.
I never thought-- - haghnahhagnahagnah haghnagh-- Schindler's List! [Ah-choo, squish.]
Oh! Oh, that's better.
- Uhh I feel as if I've had an encounter with onionhead, aka slimer.
Anyway, we'll be right back with more Amber Tamblyn after this.
[Upbeat music.]
- Sorry.
[Music playing.]
- Potatoes and gravy and stuffing, too If you're like me, you love Thanksgiving because it's the only time of year you get to hear all of your favorite Thanksgiving songs.
Mr.
president please pardon my turkey - football, all the dads are watching football - napkin rings I'm running out of napkin rings - I'll be having pizza this Thanksgiving - stuffin', yeah, it's all just bread - let's hang [Off-key.]
the Christmas lights early - gimme that dark meat, gimme that light meat gimme that thigh meat - it ain't the parade if Roker ain't fat - yams - Now, this is what we are referring to as music-- Thanksgiving Carols.
Only $1,000? [Sustained note continues.]
- yams - ah nah - You know, I heard he was frozen somewhere in Anaheim.
- Oh, wow.
Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Amber Tamblyn, and it's our big Thanksgiving show and-- [doorbell rings.]
Oh! - Our first Thanksgiving guest is here.
- Oh, no.
- Come in.
- Reggie! - Jeff Ross.
- The sultan of insultin'! - I can't wait to hand it to you tonight This bottle of wine.
- Oh[Laughs.]
- Say what? - Happy Thanksgiving, Reg.
Thanks so much, Jeff.
- Of course, man.
[Doorbell rings.]
- Ah--there he is.
- Hey! - Let me at him.
- Oh! - Hey, man! - Hey.
- Whitney Cummings.
Ooh, things are about to get gruesome and go bluesome.
- I am warning you.
You are gonna get burned tonight.
- Ooh! - Here it comes - Oh, you know what? You have an oven mitt.
You're fine.
Never mind.
[Both laughing.]
- Oh, my God.
Yes.
Oh.
- Reggie, I'm gonna zing ya.
[Ominous music.]
- Ooh.
- You mean You're gonna sting me? - Yes.
- What does it mean? - I don't really know.
Forget it.
Hey, friends.
- Hi.
- Happy thanks.
Aw, man.
- Why don't you guys have a seat? Good to see you.
- Come on.
- Right here? - Yeah, yeah.
Take a load off.
[Chattering.]
- I know.
- Hey, you guys, hey, hey, hey.
To Reggie, a guy we would never want to insult, huh? - To you, Reg.
- Thanks, guys.
- Sure.
[Clink.]
- Cheers, Reg.
- Love you, buddy.
- Cheers.
Cheers.
- Well, maybe this feast of foul language will be a feast of fine fare after all.
All right, we'll be right back with Amber Tamblyn and our big Thanksgiving special.
[Funky music.]
That was incredible.
- I don't know who they are.
- You don't know who they are? - No, none of 'em.
- Who's this Bruce Wayne character that everyone keeps talking about? - I think he's a millionaire playboy of some sort.
Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Amber Tamblyn.
And let's check in with our roast guests to see how they're doing.
- Jeff, I just want to tell you.
You look so handsome these days.
- Sorry, what was that? I was just listening to Anthony's newest album and being reminded once again [Tinny laughter from earbuds.]
That, Anthony, you, my friend, are a genius.
- Genius.
- Thank you, Jeff.
- Hear, hear.
- And, Whitney, the immortal bard could've been describing only you when he wrote, "haply I think of thee, "and then my state, "and to the lark at break of day arising "from sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate.
" - Oh.
Sonnet 29 is my favorite.
- 29.
- My favorite! - Oh, my go-- - thank you.
- Well, it seems to be going pretty well so far.
What do you say-- - hello? Hello? I'm hungry.
- [Gasps.]
Aah! - Oh, no! Aah! - Aah! - Oh! - Aah! - Happy Thanksgiving! - Fourvel? - Hello.
- Fourvel, what are you doing here? - I never really left, Scott.
I kind of been hanging around looking for scraps.
- I thought you went home with Bill Hader.
- No.
I killed him.
- Uh, Bill Hader's dead? - Yeah, he dead.
I stabbed him to death - With my knife! - Oh, God! - Yeah, he got a little mouthy, so I stabbed his neck off.
- Okay, put it away, Fourvel.
- I'm putting it away.
I'm putting it away.
Jeez, so worried all the time, Scott.
Calm down.
Hi, Amber Tamblyn.
- Amber, this is Fourvel.
He's a stabby little orphan - Hello.
- Who lives on the streets and fights for scraps.
- I thought I was the only guest.
- He's not a guest.
- Oh.
- He's an intruder.
- I'm not an intruder.
I'm an orphan boy.
- They're not mutually exclusive.
- I'm not gonna lie.
I broke in, okay? I may have stabbed a security guard - in the eyes and face.
- Oh, no! Not Manuel.
- Manuel is Not have a face anymore.
Very nice man.
I'm sorry I had to do it.
But I came in here because I smelled the glorious smell of toi-key.
- Reggie's making that turkey for our guests over here.
- You're making it for your guests? Well, funny.
I'm on the couch.
I guess that means I'm a guest.
- turkey for me.
- I don't know.
I mean, he's got a lot of roast guests over here.
You know, six people is a lot of people to eat one turkey.
I think maybe it's better - Yeah.
- You didn't have any.
- 'Cause you're a bleep assbleep.
Happy Thanksgiving! Scott Aukerman is a bleep assbleep.
- Come on, Fourvel.
Come on.
- Oh, I got my own comedy show.
I'm a little bleep smart-ass.
bleep you, man.
Just some toi-key.
- Fourvel, come on, please don't use that kind of language-- - it's just turk-- I'm gonna kill you, Scott! - Fourvel, put it away! - Just gimme a little piece of turkey! - No! - That's all I ask for.
- Not on Thanksgiving! - Amber Tamblyn, can you spare some gravy for a little orphan boy? That's all--I mean, like a thimble full of gravy.
- Really? A thimble full will do? - Yeah.
Like, just put enough gravy to cover the face of a dime.
- There's no loose gravy to be had, Fourvel.
I'm sorry.
- Scott, this is bleep ridiculous, man.
- Fourvel, you don't have to curse in front of a lady.
Amber Tamblyn is here.
It's Thanksgiving.
- Well, Amber-- let's get it straight.
Amber Tamblyn is a woman.
- Put on your Thanksgiving voice, if you would.
- Put on my Thanksgiving voice? Who the bleep? [Alters voice.]
Oh, thank you.
It's Thanksgiving.
[Normal voice.]
Who the-- there's no such thing as a Thanksgiving-- this is my voice, the voice that God gave me.
[Alters voice.]
Okay, happy Thanksgiving, everyb-- [normal voice.]
No.
That's bleep stupid.
- Actually, I like that a lot better.
- You like that better? Well, I don't like your face.
How about I cut it off and wear it as a hat? - How's that? - Fourvel, please! - Look at my Thanksgiving hat.
That's my Scott face.
Uh-oh.
Here comes another one.
- No, Fourvel, please! Don't do this--kill Amber first.
- No! Kill Scott first.
- Amber Tamblyn, you're fine.
Don't worry.
I not gonna touch you.
I'm a big fan.
- Then put it away.
Put it away.
- You were on 15 episodes of House that I enjoyed very much.
- Glad you enjoyed them.
- Fourvel, what are your Thanksgiving traditions where you're from? - Where I'm from? [Somber music.]
The streets, you mean? I pull up a little piece of sidewalk just for me, and I get a nice big, fat rat, and I take the lid off, and I go, "Mmm.
Thanksgiving.
You know what I'm thankful for?" Then, like, a car will drive by and splash me, and I'll cry for, like, an hour 'cause I realize I don't have a family.
Audience: Aw - That being said, I did murder my family.
- I feel like maybe Scott and I should adopt you.
- [Gasps.]
Really? Would you adopt me? That way, I could be your little baby boy.
That's all I've ever wanted.
- Oh.
- I mean-- - Scott.
- Yeah, we tried this the last time he was on the show.
- Hey, hey, don't bleep block, bro, okay? - Come on, Fourvel.
Come on.
- Amber Tamblyn's a nice lady trying to adopt me.
- You're free to adopt him if you want, but I-- leave me out of it.
- Oh, no, I'm not a part of this, but thank you so much.
- Well, Amber Tamblyn, what, you're backing out now all of a sudden? - All right, Fourvel, settle down.
- I wasn't talking to you, Scott.
You shut your bleep mouth.
I'm talking to Amber Tamblyn for a second.
Hey, Amber - Okay, I'm listening to you.
- What's up? What's the What's the bleep deal, man? I know you're a busy actress and you got stuff to do, but, like, I'm a nice boy.
- You--you--you're definitely-- I mean, you're very unique.
- Oh, thanks.
Oh, yeah, that sounded sincere, too.
I appreciate it.
- Yeah, yeah, no-- - I really believe you.
- You're very unique and, um, got a great-- you'd be a great character actor.
- I would be a great character actor? What does that mean? Like a Paul Giamatti type? Like a bleep ugly guy? Like a fat piece of shit, wha-- - Fourvel, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay? - I'm gonna have to ask you to remove your own neck-- - no.
Come on, Fourvel.
You have to put that away! - Put the knife away! - We'll be right back with more Amber Tamblyn, and Fourvel will be gone, hopefully.
- No.
I'm gonna stay.
Happy Thanksgiving! - God, Fourvel, no! No! - Happy Thanksgiving.
- No! [Groans.]
Oh - Turns out that Lost was a documentary.
- Yeah, well, of course.
Hey, welcome back.
Uh, we're here with Amber Tamblyn and, of course, little Fourvel.
- Hello.
- And you know what? This has turned out to be a great Thanksgiving special after all.
Hey, Reggie, how's that turkey looking? - Guys, the sup is up.
- Whoo.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- There you are, sir.
Miss.
- Mmm, thank you.
- Sir.
- Thank you.
- Scott.
- Ah.
Reggie.
To our host.
What am I thankful for this year? [Chuckles.]
Well, from where I stand, I see a man surrounded by friends.
Friends hungry for, not morsels of food, [soft piano plays.]
But kinship.
And that, Reggie, makes you a master chef in the kitchen of life.
- This tastes like dog shit.
- Uh, dog shit would be implying that it was once food.
I mean, I may as well put a bleep in my mouth.
- That is inappropriate language for this table.
- Careful.
This is our friend that you're verbally roasting at a high heat.
- This roast is toast, Jack.
- Hah.
- But I followed mom's recipe.
"30 minutes at a thousand degrees"? [Crunch.]
- Reggie, Reggie, it's okay.
It's just a little crispy.
- On the outside, but in the middle, it's bloodier than a bleep with a bleep In a bleep on her quinceañera.
- How dare you insult Reggie! - But wait.
What do you guys expect from jazzy over here? I mean, he's just a music man with a bush for a beard.
- Oh, Whitney.
- Stop it.
Stop it right now, you savages.
- Come on, man.
We're just goofing around.
It's funny.
- Oh, it's funny, is it, Jeffrey? You want to know what's funny? You! [Both gasp.]
- That's right.
In fact, I think that you're so fat that when your doctor took your blood type, he found out it was ragu! - [Gasps.]
- Yeah.
- Oh, what's the matter, Anthony? Jeselnik doesn't want to get his jesel nicked? - [Gasps.]
- Yeah.
Show no mercy, Scott.
- Okay, Scott, we're sorry.
We're sorry, roast master.
Stop, please.
- We had no idea what it felt like.
I mean, in all our years of roasting, no one has ever turned a vitriolic tongue on us.
- Not once.
Not never.
- Not once.
Not never.
- I don't know.
I don't know what-- I'm sorry, Reggie, but I j--oh.
- Scott, forgive them for they know not what they do.
[Heavenly choir sings.]
This is truly my last supper.
- Halle lu jah yams [Engine revs.]
[Clatter.]
- The wolf dead.