Community s01e06 Episode Script

Football, Feminism and You

A small, fading remnant of a star.
A white dwarf.
That's right.
I used a memory technique.
Dwarves hate being called midgets, and midgets are small.
And what does a star turn into after it collapses? A movie of the week.
A black hole.
Troy, you could be an astronomer.
As far as I'm concerned, there's only one black hole worth studying.
It's called Sagittarius A.
It's located in the center of our galaxy and it has the density of 40 suns.
Just like my wiener.
You said "wiener.
" That's funny.
Pierce and Troy didn't get along at first but now they're bonding through mutual adolescence.
Shut up, fart head.
Will you shut up, poo-poo head? Hi, everybody.
Well, look at this group.
Having some kind of meeting and being so diverse.
There is just Boy, there is just one of every kind of you, isn't there? Well, we are missing a pipsqueak but we don't want one, so beat it.
Uh, Pierce, that's the dean.
You kidding? Sorry.
Just my luck.
It's all right.
Don't let me interrupt.
Sometimes, I just roll around campus like a little football.
I can't believe this.
Here I am in a random conversation about football, and I'm talking to Troy Barnes, star quarterback from Riverside High.
Troy, did you know Greendale has a football team? Did you know they had a football? Ah.
That's very funny.
Troy, I was so sorry to hear about your injury, but now that you have recovered, we would love for you to play for the Human Beings.
The team's name is the Human Beings? Yeah.
My idea.
It was the Greendale Grizzlies but I thought that, um Well, a lot of these students have been called animals their whole lives.
Unfortunately, I don't know what to do about the mascot.
I could help with that, Your Honor.
I have a wealth of experience in image management, icon development, and Y2K preparedness.
Well, aren't you found money.
Troy, all of your friends are lining up to turn Greendale around.
How about you? Troy isn't interested in football anymore.
Getting injured in that keg stand was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Yoko Ono much? Ha-ha-ha.
Bros before ho's, Troy.
Listen, man, no offense, but I was the best and I finished on top.
I wouldn't play for this school with a 10-foot pole.
Dean, I'm sure Troy will sign up for football, if and when some accident damages the part of his brain that feels pride.
Until then, would you excuse us? All right.
Well, uh, if you change your mind, the field is always open.
Oh, figuratively speaking.
You know.
Wednesdays and Sundays it's used as parking overflow for the megachurch.
Now let's meet the minimum requirements for a language credit, shall we? Yes, but I need to go to the bathroom first.
Uh, Britta? Oh, no, I don't have to go.
I'll go with you.
What? She's offended? Girls go in groups.
Did you learn nothing from standup comedy in the '90s? I'm familiar with the concept, I just Uh Fine.
If it's important to Shirley, I'll go next time.
I'm willing to try some more mainstream feminine stuff.
Then you should know nothing says, "I'm a woman" like doing it with me.
Nothing says, "I'm a pig," like you.
Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.
It makes the group uncomfortable when you talk like we're characters in a show you're watching.
Well, that's sort of my gimmick.
But we did lean on that pretty hard last week.
I can lay low for an episode.
Are you sure you made the right call on the football team, Troy? It looks like they won something once.
"Most Valued Customer, Henderson Trophy Cases.
" We should still study a little more astronomy later, right? Maybe over some Milky Ways or some Mars bars.
Or pancakes.
"I'm Jeff and I'm a student at Greendale"? Well, that's not good.
Wood undergoes rapid oxidation because it reacts spontaneously to Okay, guys.
We've talked about this.
Okay, you have got to turn off your cell ph That's mine.
My bad.
I'm going to the bathroom.
Would you like to come with me? Well, yes.
Yes, I would.
That's nice.
Okay, what's it called? Antoni? Hold on.
Does anybody have a pen? A pen? No one has a pen.
Why would you not bring a pen to class? Idiot.
No, you're not an idiot.
I had my blinker on about five minutes and this no-good, "clearly bald but trying to hide it with a bandana" loser swooped right in.
I couldn't believe it.
Maybe he didn't see you.
He saw me.
Maybe he had his blinker on too.
So you got any family, Britta? Yeah.
My mom might visit this weekend.
She and I are gonna get makeovers at that spa Makeovers.
They sure have us programmed right.
I am a female pleasure unit.
I require a new coat of paint.
Just something I thought might be fun.
Here's something I think might be fun.
Let's find out the number of makeup companies that are owned by women.
I'll save you the trouble.
It's zero.
Of course, you're saying, "Britta, aren't you a hypocrite? You're plastered with glitter and goo from head to toe like the rest of us.
" Well, I also pay income tax and pull over for cops.
But that doesn't mean I support a country that oppresses citizens, restricts voting rights Thanks for offering to help design the new mascot.
I, uh, have been a little stumped.
That's no problem.
By the way, I took the liberty of thumbnailing a Human Being prototype, uh, which I modeled after Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man.
You're offering it but The penis is a little small, I think.
Oh, okay.
It looks a lot like you.
Um, here's the thing.
If we are the Human Beings, you know, and we have a mascot that's just a white guy, what message are we sending? Our symbol needs to reflect the diversity of our school and our species.
So, black? No, because we're not the Greendale Blacks, Mr.
Hawthorne, or the Greendale Asians, or any other creed.
We are the Greendale Human Beings.
Sorry to disturb you guys.
Who are clearly looking at a clearly naked drawing of Pierce doing jumping jacks.
Dean, a quick download, please? Uh Absolutely.
Excuse me.
Fill me in later.
Good, a pencil.
First of all, I'm flattered.
Oh, well, you're a very photogenic man.
Is that real bed head, or do you put something in there? Can I? Oh.
It's crispy.
I was thinking about the four disembodied heads and I thought, Where's the heart? Where's the soul? Where's the different poster design? You know I did think those were less than personable.
Which is why I went with the full bodies in these mailers we have going out.
Mailers? I didn't give permission for this.
Jeffrey, did you not read the release agreement on the back of your registration form? Heh-heh-heh.
I'm starting to see why someone used to be a lawyer.
Look, if someone from the outside were to find Okay, if someone from the outside were to find out that I am a student at a community college, that could have a negative impact on my future career.
Look what we have stumbled onto.
An opportunity to help each other out.
I suppose I wouldn't need this promotional campaign if I could announce to the press that Troy Barnes is playing football here.
I think he's been pretty clear about declining that offer.
I think if you said jump, he'd say, "How high?" If you said stop, he'd say "Hammer time.
" You starting to get what I mean? Hmm? No, I need another example.
You know, I didn't realize before, but we should send those out to local businesses.
Law firms, lawyer companies, legal gatherings.
You trying to blackmail me? I think so.
Gentlemen, I present to you the Greendale Human Being.
That's a falcon with a gun.
Now it's a falcon with an erection.
Oh, hi, Abed.
He's just laying low.
Oh, are you going to the bathroom? Uh Yes.
I'll go with you.
You know what? I'm good.
She probably just, you know, had to go number two.
Okay, what's the closest planet to Earth? Planet Hollywood? Ha-ha-ha.
That's not the right answer but it shows how fun astronomy can be.
Hey, Troy, can I talk to you for a sec? We're studying, so Troy's busy.
Well, the galaxy's not going anywhere.
I'll bring him back.
You ever miss being a quarterback, Troy? I miss being the best at something.
I miss having a coach.
I miss knowing what to think.
You still know what to think, Troy.
Oh, good.
For instance, after the dean talked to you about football, you and I were thinking the same thing.
That dude looks like Moby.
We were thinking, what if Troy did play for Greendale? You'd be surprised at how many of your favorite football players got started at community college.
Really? Name one.
Who's your favorite player? Me.
Maybe you and I should go check out the Greendale Thunderdome.
The dome arrives later.
It comes with thunder.
Let me tell you a little secret about me, Troy.
Every day, on my way to school, I drive through downtown, past the courthouse, just to get a glimpse of the world that I once ruled.
And I just wanna jump out of my car, run up the steps, and exploit the legal system for profit.
But I can't.
I'm locked out of my old kingdom.
You're not.
You see what I'm saying? You're saying I could be a lawyer.
I'm saying you're a football player.
It's in your blood.
That's racist.
Your soul.
That's racist.
Your eyes? That's gay? That's homophobic.
That's black.
That's racist.
When you played, you were a god.
Now you're not playing and you're not.
I'd tell you to do the math, but math isn't important.
The only thing that's important is this.
Yeah, but Annie said Annie said that Benjamin Button was compelling.
Look, she's a smart girl but sometimes she's just wrong.
Eighty-five, go long.
It's like a drug, isn't it? Feel it, Troy.
Throw it.
The scoreboard lights up.
There will be a scoreboard there.
It's complete.
Nice catch.
The girls, the glory, the scouts, the career.
It starts when you join this team.
Is that linebacker a pregnant woman? Look, you can meet them later, but this decision has to be yours, T-Bone.
And this decision has to be yes.
How did you know my nickname was T-Bone? Because you're a football player and your name begins with T.
Your name begins with T.
Britta? Oh, are you finished? I mean, I have to go, but apparently, I failed yesterday's tryouts for the position of bathroom companion.
Oh, Britta, I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings.
You didn't hurt my feelings, Shirley.
I don't need to go to the bathroom with other people.
I was just trying to throw you a bone because I like you.
You can keep that bone.
Listening to a story about a stranger pissing me off and taking the stranger's side? And then you can't talk about your own business but you insinuate my mama's a robot because she and I want makeovers.
That is the ladies room, Britta.
A place where ladies go to share, listen, support each other, and discretely eliminate waste.
And I like you too.
I even like that you're a little hard, but if you can't learn to be soft in there, you need to pee alone.
I've peed alone my whole life.
Women have always hated me.
I don't even know how it started.
Maybe it was when I got boobs before everybody Shhh.
Not out here.
In there.
Whoo! Ha-ha.
Troy, Troy, the wonder boy.
You dropped your books, Poindexter.
Troy, I've been waiting for an hour.
It's all right.
I'm worth it.
# Hip hop, body don't stop # # Riverside got the broom Don't need a mop # # Put your team in a box Put a ribbon on top # # We're not John Kerry Because we don't flip flop ## Troy, why are you doing our politically conservative high school's shamefully outdated fight rap? Have you been playing football? Threw the skin around a couple of times.
I still got it.
Uhn, uhn, uhn.
Doosh! Uhn.
But you knew we had an Astronomy test tomorrow.
Class blows.
What I need to know about the universe is that I'm at the center of it.
# Oh Bing, bong, sing along # # Your team's Al Gore Your views are wrong ## Troy, stop.
Don't become this person again.
This isn't the real you.
This is the arrogant jock that totally ignored the only people that truly liked him for non-superficial reasons but weren't allowed to say anything because their parents are bigots.
Huh? Football is bad for you, Troy.
Jeff said you'd say that.
Jeff What now? Troy.
Troy, Troy, Troy.
That's my name.
I think if we add in a little bit of Phylicia Rashad, we'll be in better shape.
Yeah, you're right.
That beige is a little light.
Um Wow.
Yeah, yeah.
We are developing the perfect mascot.
No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.
You see, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from.
Pan-Asian eye folds, uh, Irish chins, women's breasts.
Is that Seal? Oh, that is our human color wheel.
It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.
What do you think? I think not being racist is the new racism.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to the prototype? Ooh.
I left the nose in the kiln.
So Troy is gonna play football.
Which means I'll be getting rid of these.
No, uh, I won't mail these out but they are staying with me until the press announces that Troy is a part of the team.
And I want him at that pep rally tonight.
Reporters are gonna be there.
We're gonna unveil the new mascot and things are finally going to start turning around.
Oh, and my ex-therapist is gonna think twice before he makes fun of my job! Here it is.
Still hot.
Oh, Dean, I'm gonna get some more coffee.
You want anything? Yeah, uh, a Desmond Tutu with just enough cream to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.
La Bamba.
Got it.
Aha! I've been following you.
How much did the dean pay you to make Troy play football? I'm not having a conversation with someone who emerges from a bush.
Because I'm right? No.
Because I'm not in a commercial for breakfast cereal.
Look, the dean has pictures of me, okay? Horrible pictures of me.
Attending his school.
And for that, you've convinced Troy to flush his life down football's toilet again? Britta's right.
You are the most selfish person alive.
And all that is gonna end right now.
I'm telling him what kind of friend you really are.
Maybe you should tell him you're hopelessly in love with him.
High school must have been tough, huh? Waiting for a superstar to notice you.
But here, here, he's all alone and he needs so much help.
Did you enroll in all his classes or were you worried that might freak him out? The important thing is that you are there for him.
The important thing is that you are the only one there for him.
And you don't really care what he wants, just as long as you don't have to share him with the world.
Because, really, you are just as selfish as I am.
You're just not as good at it yet.
You're right.
I could never be as good as you.
Probably because I actually care.
Profound but technically meaningless.
And don't bother trying that thing women do where they walk away and make the guy feel like crap, because it won't happen.
Damn it.
Shirley, will you please come to the bathroom with me? Where's Shirley? Shirley's not coming.
But, uh, I'm here to listen, girl.
Why do we inflict so much pain on ourselves for men? I don't know, sweetie.
Maybe it's because men make the world go around? Kleenex? I've been infatuated with Troy.
Now he's joining football.
Now he'll have his pick of the litter and I'll never get to be with him.
Oh, Annie, screw him.
There are guys out there that would kill to be with you.
If Troy isn't one of them, that's him failing your standards.
You got that? You're right.
I can't control him.
And if I truly cared about him, I wouldn't want to.
Thanks for talking to me, Britta.
It really helped.
Seriously? Yes.
Who's my girl? Excuse me.
I did it.
I did it.
Yes, you did.
Human Beings, Human Beings, Human Beings.
Human Beings, Human Beings.
Don't go in there, man.
What? You got the most you were ever going to get out of football in high school.
A life of disillusionment and depression begins on the other side of that door.
Hey, man, is this your first pep rally or something? You told me football was the most important thing in the world.
Well, buckle up, Troy I was exaggerating.
It's kind of my gimmick.
Let me tell you something.
No, let me tell you something.
You know that keg flip that cost me my scholarship? Yeah.
I hurt myself on purpose.
What? There was a scout coming to the final game at Riverside and I couldn't take the pressure.
So I took the easy way out.
When you showed me that field, I saw there was nothing to worry about here.
I could just play football for the fun of it.
I mean, have you seen these guys? There is nowhere to go but up.
Dude, we have feelings.
I don't know about you, but I know I ended up here because things weren't that great out there.
You should try accepting where you're at, man.
Take a pottery class or something.
# Greendale, we're number one Nancy Pelosi is no fun ## Hey.
I've decided to support Troy.
They deploy things in football.
I went for rhyme over clarity.
Look, I'm, uh I'm really sorry about before.
I just think we were both wrong.
Really? Because I'm an 18-year-old girl and you made me cry in public.
Okay, maybe I was a little more wrong.
I should grow up and make peace with being here.
I mean, it's not like Greendale is gonna kill me or anything.
Holy crap.
Oh! Sorry.
Hey, say hello to our ethnically neutral mascot, the Greendale Human Being.
The costume makes it difficult for him to see.
He can't move his mouth either.
But take it from me, that's human for "hello.
" Let's get you into the pep rally.
Great idea.
Let's do it.
We've solved racism.
What's next? Let's do something for little people.
Or albinos.
How about little albinos? Well, this has the potential to be a uniquely Greendale experience.
My lady? My lord.
Attention, students, this is Abed.
And the disco spider.
Here at Greendale.
Say what? A few quick announcements.
Announcement number one.
All announcements will be cool, starting right now.
Announcement number two, butt soup.
Announcement number three, I am not Hadji from Jonny Quest, Jeff Winger.
On security news, you guys gotta start locking the dean's door so guys like us don't get in.

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