Conan O'Brien Must Go (2024) s01e02 Episode Script
Thailand
1
Earth.
A cradle
for unimaginable beauty
and staggering wonder.
Incomprehensible,
overwhelming,
this planet mocks our
feeble power to describe it.
Yes, to truly appreciate
the astounding grandeur
of this planet,
sometimes you must defile it.
Behold the defiler.
His character is vile,
base, and depraved.
Once a proud talk show host,
he has been driven
by a changing ecosystem
to a drier
and harsher climate
the weekly podcast.
Here, without the nourishment
of his studio audience,
this clown
with dull, tiny eyes,
the eyes
of a crudely painted doll,
is forced to feed
on that meagerest of morsels,
the random call-in fan.
Unhinged by the feral scent
of their mild enthusiasm,
he scavenges
in distant lands uninvited,
fueled by a bottomless hunger
for recognition
and the occasional selfie.
[dramatic music]
♪
This is madness.
This is lunacy.
This is chaos.
This is
"Conan O'Brien Must Go."
Thailand.
Hey, Conan.
I'm Anna,
and I'm calling from Thailand.
So tell us a little bit
about yourself.
Where do you live?
I live in Bangkok,
the capital city.
And right now
I'm living with my mom.
How's that going?
It can be quite hard
when, you know,
I'm working from home
and I have to be on Zoom,
and my mom will
always yell outside.
What kind of things
does she yell at you?
Anna! Do you want dinner?
If I could talk to her, maybe
I could explain to her
that it's very important
that Anna do her work,
and you've got to stop yelling.
Why do you think
she would listen to you?
[lively traditional music]
♪
Hey.
Hi!
Wait. Hold on. Okay.
- Yeah.
Okay. I can come in?
Yes, you can, but you need
to take your shoes off, though.
Take my shoes off?
Yes, of course.
I respect that.
- Oh.
Okay. Wow.
You seem somewhat
you seem a little, like
I'm so shocked
that you're here.
- Thank you for
- Yeah.
Well, you didn't really
invite me, I don't think,
but I'm here anyway.
[speaking Thai]
- Hi.
- Hi.
[speaking Thai]
- [speaking Thai]
[speaking Thai]
I am Conan.
Is she a big fan of mine?
- Hmm?
Not a big fan.
Have you seen me on TV,
you know, ha, ha?
Oh, very good. I like.
[laughs]
- She doesn't know you.
- She's lying.
She has no idea.
Why is she lying then?
[laughs]
You realize
I'm a celebrity in America?
Not at the top, no,
kind of in the middle.
Just take my word for it.
Like, I wouldn't get invited
to a like, an Oscar party.
But if there was an Emmy party,
they would think
what are you doing?
What is she doing?
What is she doing?
- I don't know.
Why are you doing
these weird things?
What's happening right now?
I don't know.
She's frightening me.
Can I call you Mom?
- Yeah. Okay. Okay.
- Okay.
Mom, I'm friends with Anna.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
And we have a problem
that I wanna help fix
with your daughter.
- No.
Yes, well, we
we do, actually.
[laughs]
Okay, you're laughing,
but I'm being honest.
She works in the house.
Mm-hmm. She works.
She works in the house.
I mean no disrespect.
Mm-hmm. No problem.
You are loud sometimes
when she's trying to work.
Let's work on a new way.
So this is where I talk
to you on the podcast.
Yes.
So you're clicking away
on your work.
- Yep.
- Anna!
- Oh, my God.
- Anna!
Anna!
- Okay, okay.
Come on in, Mom. Come in. Hi.
Okay, okay. No, no.
Here, here.
Too too loud, too loud.
Too loud.
Try it this one.
[softly]
Anna.
Try now.
[softly]
Anna.
- Anna.
- Okay, again.
Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna,
Anna, not listen to me,
but you stay here.
You listen to me. Why?
- [laughing]
Ah! Ah!
She attacked me!
Do you think your mother
is listening to me?
Is she gonna change?
[both speaking Thai]
- I'm promise.
- You promise?
I promise.
You are such an actress.
I don't believe her
for a second.
Okay, okay.
[laughs]
What's with all
the exercise equipment?
Oh, yeah.
- It's good.
What are you doing
to my ears?
What are you doing?
- [groans]
- Ow!
- Whoa!
- Ow!
- [grunts]
- God!
Not ow.
Anna! Anna!
- Not stay here.
- [groans]
- Not stay here.
- Ow!
Oh. Ow.
Ow. Ow!
You hit me.
No, that one
is exercise for you.
That's not exercise for me.
Incredible.
It's [laughing]
- Not good?
- I like you very much.
- I like you.
If you ever need help
with anything,
just yell my name Conan.
[screaming]
Conan!
Only a fool would end their
first long day in Bangkok
after a 20 hour flight
by agreeing to sing
on a hit TV show
in a foreign language.
I was that fool.
How are you? Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.
I am jet lagged.
I'm a little out of it,
and I don't speak Thai.
But I think I can do this.
I'm a real song and dance man,
whatever you guys
where are you?
Whatever you guys need,
I can do it, okay?
I'm agile, I'm still spry
for my age.
Oh, sorry.
That person just saw
an old red-headed woman
doing leg squats and ran away.
Tell me if there's
anything you need.
Yes.
I need to be able
to speak Thai,
and I need to be able
to sing this song.
And I need more talent
than I have.
Those are the three things
I need.
- In 30 minutes?
- 30 minutes.
This is Jen,
who's helping us out.
Here.
[singing along in Thai]
What's the song about?
It's, like,
about someone in the corner
that, like, he's looking at
and having a crush on.
Oh, it's, like,
a song about a creep.
Yeah.
Possibly a stalker.
Here, you be the
you're the girl, right,
and you're here just
minding your own business.
- Uh-huh.
- And then
Yeah, exactly.
Not that scary. [laughs]
[clears throat]
Here we go.
[singing along in Thai]
Mai plot pai is that "phai"?
Mai plot phai.
What does that mean,
"mai plot phai"?
- Not safe.
- Not safe?
Yes.
It's a song
about a creepy guy
who's making the woman
feel not safe.
What a wonderful ballad.
[singing along in Thai]
[soft pop music playing]
♪
Time to go. Time to go.
Music.
[speaking Thai]
[dramatic music]
[speaking Thai]
Mr. Conan O'Brien.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Welcome to "The Wall Song."
This is a huge treat for me.
Yes!
[speaking Thai]
[laughter]
I got off a plane
four hours ago.
I don't know what's happening.
[laughter]
[speaking Thai]
And do you know that
you come to this program,
you have to sing a song for us?
I'm jet-lagged
and I don't know the language.
Let's give it a shot.
Gentlemen.
Okay.
[cheers and applause]
[romantic music playing]
♪
[singing in Thai]
[speaking Thai]
[music stops]
[upbeat music]
[zany cartoon sound effects
playing]
♪
[laughter]
I I don't know where I am
or what is happening.
But God bless you all.
And really, what you're
doing here is God's work.
I really believe that,
and I'm gonna go
to the nearest hospital.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
After my appearance,
I needed protection
from angry Thai viewers.
Meet Pon.
Pon is my security guard, yes?
- Yep.
'Cause there's this notion
someone had that people here
in Thailand would
just go so crazy
when they saw me that
my life might be in danger.
Pon, has anyone tried
to attack me so far?
No.
Does anyone
seem that excited?
No.
I'm gonna come at you
in a few different ways,
and you show me
what you would do.
I'll do it in slow motion.
I'll kill you, Pon.
I'll get you, Pon.
[laughter]
I'll get you, Pond.
- [grunting]
Oh!
I'm very impressed.
Thank you.
[grunts]
Good.
Okay, I'm on the
famous Damnoen River.
This is the site
of the floating market.
You can float along
this river, and very soon
we'll encounter other boats
that are selling things,
and I can haggle and buy stuff
while I'm on the boat.
Hold on. Oh, oh! Stop.
What do you see?
What do we have here?
Let's see what we have here.
Hold on. Hold on.
No, no.
I'll give you 6, 6.
[speaking Thai]
I just haggled.
Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it.
[laughter]
I must have this.
Can you put this
in a bag, please?
I don't wanna walk around
with this.
Yeah, if you could
wrap that up.
Look, it's already
breaking through.
It's look at that.
Ah! No!
I didn't buy anything.
I didn't buy that.
A child.
He saw this.
What are these? What's this?
Is this a potato? What is it?
It's tamarind.
You can't get good tamarind
at Whole Foods.
My God, look at this.
Look at this.
How much for the python?
[speaking Thai]
200 to buy?
- No, not buy. Photo.
- Photo.
Oh, photo?
They seem to think
that I want the python,
like, wrapped around me.
Give me your hand.
The kissing,
kissing not necessary.
- Give me your hand. You touch.
- Okay, that's great.
I paid for this privilege.
[speaking Thai]
Oh, yes, that's great, yes,
the kiss, yes.
Yeah. Mwah, mwah, mwah.
[laughs]
Yes, yes.
Yeah, you know.
Now now you kiss.
You kiss. You kiss.
No, no. No, no.
Oh, this way.
I want the big fan, big fan.
- Big fan.
- Right there.
Oh, my.
[lively traditional music]
Ooh, hoo!
Nice. Feels good, right?
[rubber chicken squeaking]
Ah! Rubber chicken! Go back!
I must have it. Rubber chicken.
[speaking Thai]
- [speaking Thai]
[rubber chicken squeaking]
[laughter]
[rubber chicken squeaking
continues]
Hey, look!
all:
Conan, Conan, Conan!
Yes!
You can't buy that kind
of propaganda.
Thank you, Pon. Thank you.
This is very good.
Oh, Pon, just one second.
Do you think
[grunting]
Fan. God, he's good.
The people of Thailand
have a tradition
of bold and colorful clothing,
and being a known fashionista,
I decided to partake.
Nanya is a very famous suit
and dress maker
here in Bangkok.
- Yeah.
What I would like is
something very nice and formal
because this is how
I normally dress,
like someone who just
got out of rehab, you know.
Oh, hello.
[speaking Thai]
This means
we are now married.
[laughter]
Yes.
Now, my chest,
big chest for a big man.
- Yes.
- Strong man.
Yes, yes.
That's why your name
is Conan.
Yes, because I'm so strong!
- Oh.
- Thank you.
While my suit was being made,
I ducked out
to a local shopping mall,
where I ran into
a longtime fan.
I was filming over there,
and someone said
you wanted to talk to me.
What's going on?
- Yeah.
I just had this with me.
Look at that.
You have a "Late Night
with Conan O'Brien" shirt.
How long ago did you get that?
17 years ago.
- Did you get it at the show?
- Yeah, I got it from a show.
I went, stood in line, got a
ticket, went and watched you.
Do you remember
what happened during the show?
Yeah, there was some skit
down the aisles
and Winter Olympics
or something.
It was during, like,
the Finland president
I vaguely remember this.
So wait, you were
in the audience?
- I'm in
- Where are you?
- That's me right there.
- Stop it.
- That's me.
- There you are!
You know what I'm noticing?
Know what? You're not laughing.
- [laughs]
- You're not.
I'm just looking at myself.
You look like
you're about to be executed.
17 years ago,
you witnessed that sketch.
Then, miraculously,
we are reunited.
You didn't laugh then.
Can you give me the laugh
that you didn't give me then?
- Sure, sure.
- Go.
[forced laugh]
All right. Thank you.
Having bagged
yet another fake laugh,
I got a text
that my suit was ready.
Huh?
- Oh, wow.
Right?
Yes.
What do you think?
Beautiful.
Contrast.
I feel very important
a great man, a man who stands
astride a continent,
a man who's in control
and commands.
Huh?
A man who deserves great
respect, that's how I feel.
A man who commands millions.
A man who will live
throughout history
and never be forgotten.
A man with his hands
on his hips
for a long time,
even though
that's not necessary
and no one stands this way.
A man men want to be
and women want to be with,
and some men want to be with,
and that's okay.
It's whatever anyone's into.
A man who walks around
still with hands on hips,
padding on ass.
A man who refers to himself
as a man a lot.
A man who just goes on
and on and on
while this patient artist
waits for him to be quiet
and leave the country.
A man who doesn't understand
that maybe his time here
ran out 20 minutes ago.
A man who will live
throughout history
Bangkok's clothes are matched
by the color and beauty
of their magnificent temples.
This is Pong.
Pong is a professional
and expert tour guide.
Hello, Pong.
- Hello.
- Very good to see you.
- Nice to meet you.
Yeah. [speaking Thai]
You take people on tours
of the Buddhist temples.
Is that right?
- Yes.
The temple tour is good
because, um,
95% of the people here
are Buddhists.
I see.
And a man like my age
used to be monk for some time.
Wait a minute.
You were a monk?
- Yeah, one week.
- One week?
One week, yeah.
You can do meditation
to purify your soul,
to be reincarnation
for the next life.
Okay, you know what,
I don't want a next life.
This this life
has been trouble enough.
Is it okay to to take a pass
on the next life?
Commit suicide, maybe,
but it's not
not the right way.
[laughter]
You're the first person
I've met today
that has advised me
to commit suicide.
- Yeah.
- Where are we right now?
What is this beautiful
structure behind us?
We call Wat Arun.
This must have
taken months to build.
This is beautiful.
So like a year to build?
In total now,
240 years for Bangkok time.
- That's unions.
- Yeah.
[soft traditional music]
Yes, yes, yes.
Where are you from?
- China.
Oh, you're from China?
Thank you. Thank you.
I never know you are so tall.
No one knows I'm this tall.
People think I'm small.
I'm very
I just told that you
are the big movie
I mean TV star.
- Well, movie star.
I'm on cable television!
Oh!
[shark growling]
Yeah, TV star, yeah.
I said you host for an Oscar.
Well, Emmys, Emmys, and the
the Latin Grammys.
I hosted the Latin Grammys.
This guy was a monk for a week.
Tell him.
He's telling you I used
to be a monk for one week.
I thought you were gonna
say it in their language,
and then you just said
what I said again.
Let's get out of here.
All these temples in Thailand
are guarded by massive,
fierce stone warriors
standing there angry.
But then there's this guy.
I just found him.
And I'm gonna say it.
He's just sassy.
[upbeat music]
♪
Sassy!
- Which temple is this?
- Reclining Buddha Temple.
Reclining Buddha Temple.
[soft traditional music]
This is absolutely
jaw dropping.
This is one of the most
extraordinary things
I've ever seen in my life.
Now, let me ask you a question.
The Buddha is reclining,
but he's clearly not asleep,
unless he sleeps
with his eyes open,
which is creepy.
- Because
I had a girlfriend
that did that once.
- Because just
- [snores]
Just the image, is not real.
Okay.
Oh, I know it's not real.
The Reclining Buddha
is a symbol of Tuesday.
Is that right?
- Yes.
And Wednesday is
The meditation position.
And what about Monday?
Monday Monday
You don't know Monday?
See?
You can't just be
you can't be a monk
for a week
- A week.
- And then say, I've got it.
[snoring]
Next I was off to Bangkok's
Chinatown, which at night
transforms into one of
the world's biggest spots
for street food.
I'm here to experience
the culture in Bangkok,
and that means everything,
even if that includes
eating street food
that, well, frankly, scares me,
'cause that's what
travel hosts do.
Deep-fried scorpion.
[crunching]
Delicious.
♪
Thai street food
is notoriously spicy
crazy spicy.
What they do often is tone
it down for the tourists.
I said no, I can handle it.
Go all the way.
Give me your spiciest.
Is this it?
Not bad.
[suspenseful music]
[heartbeat thumping]
♪
[voice echoing]
Crazy spicy.
[maniacal laughing]
[voice echoing]
I said no. I can handle it.
Ee! Ee!
[sobbing]
Go all the way.
Shut up.
Give me your spiciest.
[car horns honking]
[soft string music]
[screaming]
[voice echoing]
Crazy spicy.
[voice distorted]
Crazy spicy.
Sassy!
[voice echoing]
I'm back.
[laughing maniacally]
[lively music]
Once the feeling finally
returned to my face,
I visited another fan.
At least I thought
she was a fan.
Nice to see you, Whitney.
Tell me a little bit
about yourself.
What do you do for fun?
I climb.
I do indoor rock climbing.
Have you tried?
- No.
The idea of going to a gym
and doing rock climbing
really frightens me.
No, it's really fun.
You should try.
Whitney, do you really think
I'd be a good rock climber, honestly?
No.
[laughter]
Well well, wait a minute.
Are you aware that
I'm a very old man?
I am aware.
You, like, 70s?
No, I'm not 70s!
I like Whitney.
That's terrible.
Is there anything you'd like to
say that's positive about me?
Well no.
[laughter]
All right.
Well, Whitney, I do hope
our paths cross one day
and you take care.
Hey.
- Hi.
Nice to see you.
How are you doing?
- I'm good.
- Oh, Whitney. How are you?
I'm good. I'm good.
Where are we?
Is this your apartment?
It's a gym, a climbing gym.
- This is a climbing gym.
- Yes.
Can I say, you are so strong?
- Thank you.
- Now, you try this.
Oh, that's good, too,
not bad.
You can lie a little.
How about a little
- I already did.
You already did.
[laughing]
Oh, this is good.
You're tethered to something.
- This is top rope.
- Okay.
So Barn there,
she's gonna belay me.
Okay, she's gonna belay you,
which that means she
My life is in her hands.
If you fell,
she would catch you.
- Yes.
- Okay.
You must stay focused.
I know it's a big deal
to you that I'm here
big deal.
She doesn't even
know who you are.
She's pretending to not who
know who I am,
to try and look cool.
Whitney, whenever
you're ready, go for it.
Okay.
Climbing.
[mysterious music]
♪
She's going up so quickly.
She's like Spider-Woman.
[speaking Thai]
Whitney, that's incredible.
Thank you.
I don't think I can do that.
You can do it.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Just try.
You just wanna see me fail.
Well, that's true.
[laughing]
So this leg here.
- And this one
- Small one too.
- This one for left.
And then this has to go
on either side of
- Yeah.
- Yes, the
What? The junk?
We don't say "junk."
What do you say?
Testicles.
The male reproductive system
has to be avoided
on both sides, yes?
What's that?
You already have kids,
so you should be okay.
Oh, just 'cause
I have children already,
I don't need a penis?
- Yes.
You're a you're
it's the Don Rickles
of Bangkok.
You're unbelievable.
So you just put your foot
on this part, right?
- Yeah.
- You ready?
[tense music]
Go, Conan. Go.
- Yeah.
- You can do it.
Yeah.
Move your hand high,
and move your right foot
to the right side.
Look at the right side.
We have the big one.
I'm doing it!
I'm bleeding a little bit.
Is that okay?
You are fine.
You're fine.
You're fine, yeah.
You're very good.
The big one on your left.
- Yeah.
You guys suck.
Yeah, big one on the right.
Why?
Why did I come to Bangkok?
Doing it.
- Nice.
- Yeah, almost top, Conan.
[grunting]
Go to the left.
Go to the left.
Two more.
Okay!
- Yes!
[both cheering]
I did it!
Take me down.
Just let go and lean back.
Nice job!
Be careful.
[laughs]
[panting]
Okay.
All the way, all the way.
Now put a sheet over me.
See? You did it.
You motivated me, Whitney.
By laughing at me,
you made me fly
over 8,000 miles, come here
- And you try.
And do something
I didn't think I could do.
Awesome.
How is the health care
in Bangkok?
- Terrible.
Okay.
I'm at Big Brain Studios
right now,
and I'm here because a lot of
animation is done in Thailand.
They do fantastic work here,
and I've been invited
to this studio by Thum.
Is that right?
- Thum, yes.
Thank you so much
for having me.
Here's what I've noticed.
When I watch television here
in Bangkok, lots of animation.
Right.
And even when
they're shooting somebody,
they have lots of things
happening all around them.
- Right. Yeah.
- You guys love animation.
Of course, yes.
Tell me what people
are working on.
I don't wanna bother anybody.
Who's this guy?
- He's Hey.
- This is Hey?
- Hey, the monitor lizard.
So this is a character that
you created here in studio?
- Yes.
- Hey!
[energetic jazz music]
♪
Isn't it possible that you've
done something very dangerous?
You've taken the monitor
lizard,
a known predator and danger
to all humans,
and made him cute and cuddly
to children.
Don't you believe that
maybe this is a mistake?
Ow! He bit me.
- No.
- Infected, oh.
Oh, no, no.
He tricked me.
He was so cute and cuddly.
We-oh, we-oh.
[imitating heart monitor
flatlining]
- No.
- Yes.
Conan's gone, Conan's gone.
Who's to blame? Thum.
[laughs]
No way.
What's amazing is,
I've been walking through
and talking to you,
and no one stopped working.
Because they're
afraid of you.
They're afraid of me?
How do you know
they're afraid and they
maybe it's just that
they don't care?
No, no, no, no, no.
They are polite because most
or some of them
cannot speak, but
- They can't
Here, this guy
can speak English.
I like how you just
you just shoved him around.
Like, you'll pay
attention to Conan.
Yes.
He can speak to you.
No, no.
What are you doing?
These are people.
These are not puppets.
These are human beings.
He like me to do,
like, things like that.
Okay, I'm sure.
Yeah, he seems to love it.
He loves yeah, yeah.
He loves your whole
Franklin Roosevelt bit.
Here, right over here.
There you go. Enjoy.
You can ask him
about animation.
Okay.
I could, or I could ask him
if he feels safe here.
If he feels he feels safe.
Do you feel safe working
here or does she scare you?
No, I I behind your back,
so he can see me.
Crazy woman.
Crazy right here.
Yes, I understand.
Thum, we asked you
and your creative team
here at Big Brain to make
an animated short
that commemorates
my visit to Thailand.
- Mm-hmm.
- You've done that?
It's a work in process,
but you can see
Can I see
what we have so far?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Here we go.
There I am, showing up.
Oh, look.
There I am on a motor scooter.
Oh, that's so great.
Getting a massage.
Got you
Oh, eating a scorpion.
What's going on
with my throat right here?
It looks to be swollen,
as if I have a glandular issue.
- It's Thai style.
- Thai style.
They believe that if you
have, like, a lot of this,
you get, like,
richer and richer.
Yeah, but here's the thing.
I live in Los Angeles,
and we would
have these lines removed.
But in animation
we believe that
you're gonna get
richer and richer.
Yes, but in real life in LA,
if you have wrinkles,
you get poorer and poorer.
- Oh.
- Okay.
I have a few things
that maybe we could add,
if it's not a problem, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
That are more accurate
to my trip here.
Right.
Can we include
a segment where
I'm not answering texts
from my wife?
Maybe the phone
could be going
[shrilly] Where are you?
Where are you?
And I'm just, you know,
not listening, okay?
Okay.
Maybe a little segment
where I'm having
way too much white wine
at night in the hotel bar.
Okay.
And then maybe my producer
pulling me away from the bar.
Yeah.
Oh, maybe a segment where,
because I watched your cartoon,
I think monitor lizards
are safe.
So I go to cuddle one
and it bites me,
and I get a terrible
blood infection.
And then you and I
are in court.
- Oh.
- Let's add that segment.
Yeah, yeah, you're in court,
and the judge is going,
"You're guilty."
And then I get
a whole bunch of money.
- Okay.
- Okay? Yeah.
And then the then the
monitor lizard and I high five
'cause we were
in cahoots the whole time.
- Okay.
- Thank you very much.
[both speaking Thai]
Good luck ever getting money
out of me for this.
[laughs]
[roaring]
There was another temple
to explore in Thailand.
Yes, I'm talking
about my body,
which I decided
to put to the test.
This is Chao.
Chao runs a school,
TC Muay Thai?
- Yes. Thai Boxing.
- This is Thai boxing.
Chen "Chao" Weichao
is a former
WBC Muay Thai world champion
and a master of one
of the most grueling
types of boxing in the world,
Thailand's own Muay Thai.
Thai boxing, of course,
we all know uses a lot of legs.
Yes.
[audience shouting]
Look at my legs, long.
Look, this leg is as long as
almost as you.
Comes up to
- Yes.
Oh, my God.
- Right.
I wanna ask Chao
a couple of questions.
Okay.
Chao, how long have you
been a boxer?
[both speaking Thai]
- Yeah, you need to tell me.
- Okay.
Do you understand
how translating works?
You get it, right?
- Yes.
He told you in Thai,
and you're like
Well, I'm glad you know now.
- 16 years.
- 16 years?
Yes.
Does he think I have
the physical attributes
one needs to be
a good Thai boxer?
- [speaking Thai]
- Yes.
- Agile. I move.
- Yes.
I move.
- Wow, wow.
- I'm here.
- Yeah.
- I'm over here.
Right? Right? Now I'm here.
Incredible, yes?
- Yeah.
Can I use Thai boxing
in a real fight?
Because sometimes
people come after me,
and I need to protect myself,
mostly family members.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Yeah. My wife not happy.
Wow.
Yeah. Okay, okay.
Yeah.
- My wife.
- Oh, your wife is here.
- Yes.
- Is she also a fighter?
- Yes.
Do you ever start
kicking each other?
Yes.
[speaking Thai]
Wha wha what?
This is your wife.
Your name is?
- Yui.
- Yui.
Is it true what he says,
that sometimes you
you guys are
kicking each other?
Yeah, just for fun.
Oh, for fun.
I love that if you two went
to a couples counselor,
all the discussion would be
methods of self-defense.
[laughs]
Forced laugh.
All right, show me
what I need to know.
- Hup, hup.
- Hup.
- Hup.
- Hup.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
One.
Uh-huh.
Two.
One.
Okay.
- Yeah.
This just broke.
This is all broken. Broken.
[both grunting]
- One, two!
One, two, three, four! Hup.
Hup, hup, hup, hup.
One, two, three, four!
[yelling]
Why are you yelling?
I'm the one
that's doing everything.
And then kick.
[yelling, grunting]
Okay.
I feel like
I'm ready to fight.
Yes.
I think in about
four minutes,
I have mastered Thai boxing.
- Yeah.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
- Are you afraid?
- Yeah.
- You should be afraid.
- Yeah.
- Call your family.
- Yes.
Tell them today
is the day you die.
I have daughter.
I have a son.
- I'm sorry.
You had daughter. You had son.
No one has survived
these legs, no one.
[dramatic traditional music]
♪
Here.
Oh, stairs.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
[exhales]
♪
[grunting]
[groans]
[panting]
♪
[bell dinging]
♪
[grunting]
[yelling]
[groaning]
- [laughing]
Yes! Yes!
[speaking Thai]
[laughing maniacally]
[intense music]
♪
[all groaning]
After putting eight men
in the hospital,
I knew it was time to race to
the airport and flee Thailand.
I'll never forget my visit
to this magical country,
my fans, Anna,
her mom, and Whitney,
and especially
the Thai people,
some of the warmest, funniest,
and, perhaps rarest of all,
happiest people I've ever met.
They made me feel so welcome,
and it was gratifying
to learn that my name
means a lot in their country.
But they also tested me,
putting me through some
of the most grueling physical
and mental challenges
I've ever had
to endure in my life,
experiences, and triumphs
I will never forget.
Thank you, Thailand.
[upbeat music]
[horn honks]
[chimes]
[snoring]
[phone buzzes]
[jazz music]
♪
[sighs]
♪
[siren wailing]
[laughing]
[gentle traditional music]
♪
This is deranged.
Earth.
A cradle
for unimaginable beauty
and staggering wonder.
Incomprehensible,
overwhelming,
this planet mocks our
feeble power to describe it.
Yes, to truly appreciate
the astounding grandeur
of this planet,
sometimes you must defile it.
Behold the defiler.
His character is vile,
base, and depraved.
Once a proud talk show host,
he has been driven
by a changing ecosystem
to a drier
and harsher climate
the weekly podcast.
Here, without the nourishment
of his studio audience,
this clown
with dull, tiny eyes,
the eyes
of a crudely painted doll,
is forced to feed
on that meagerest of morsels,
the random call-in fan.
Unhinged by the feral scent
of their mild enthusiasm,
he scavenges
in distant lands uninvited,
fueled by a bottomless hunger
for recognition
and the occasional selfie.
[dramatic music]
♪
This is madness.
This is lunacy.
This is chaos.
This is
"Conan O'Brien Must Go."
Thailand.
Hey, Conan.
I'm Anna,
and I'm calling from Thailand.
So tell us a little bit
about yourself.
Where do you live?
I live in Bangkok,
the capital city.
And right now
I'm living with my mom.
How's that going?
It can be quite hard
when, you know,
I'm working from home
and I have to be on Zoom,
and my mom will
always yell outside.
What kind of things
does she yell at you?
Anna! Do you want dinner?
If I could talk to her, maybe
I could explain to her
that it's very important
that Anna do her work,
and you've got to stop yelling.
Why do you think
she would listen to you?
[lively traditional music]
♪
Hey.
Hi!
Wait. Hold on. Okay.
- Yeah.
Okay. I can come in?
Yes, you can, but you need
to take your shoes off, though.
Take my shoes off?
Yes, of course.
I respect that.
- Oh.
Okay. Wow.
You seem somewhat
you seem a little, like
I'm so shocked
that you're here.
- Thank you for
- Yeah.
Well, you didn't really
invite me, I don't think,
but I'm here anyway.
[speaking Thai]
- Hi.
- Hi.
[speaking Thai]
- [speaking Thai]
[speaking Thai]
I am Conan.
Is she a big fan of mine?
- Hmm?
Not a big fan.
Have you seen me on TV,
you know, ha, ha?
Oh, very good. I like.
[laughs]
- She doesn't know you.
- She's lying.
She has no idea.
Why is she lying then?
[laughs]
You realize
I'm a celebrity in America?
Not at the top, no,
kind of in the middle.
Just take my word for it.
Like, I wouldn't get invited
to a like, an Oscar party.
But if there was an Emmy party,
they would think
what are you doing?
What is she doing?
What is she doing?
- I don't know.
Why are you doing
these weird things?
What's happening right now?
I don't know.
She's frightening me.
Can I call you Mom?
- Yeah. Okay. Okay.
- Okay.
Mom, I'm friends with Anna.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
And we have a problem
that I wanna help fix
with your daughter.
- No.
Yes, well, we
we do, actually.
[laughs]
Okay, you're laughing,
but I'm being honest.
She works in the house.
Mm-hmm. She works.
She works in the house.
I mean no disrespect.
Mm-hmm. No problem.
You are loud sometimes
when she's trying to work.
Let's work on a new way.
So this is where I talk
to you on the podcast.
Yes.
So you're clicking away
on your work.
- Yep.
- Anna!
- Oh, my God.
- Anna!
Anna!
- Okay, okay.
Come on in, Mom. Come in. Hi.
Okay, okay. No, no.
Here, here.
Too too loud, too loud.
Too loud.
Try it this one.
[softly]
Anna.
Try now.
[softly]
Anna.
- Anna.
- Okay, again.
Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna,
Anna, not listen to me,
but you stay here.
You listen to me. Why?
- [laughing]
Ah! Ah!
She attacked me!
Do you think your mother
is listening to me?
Is she gonna change?
[both speaking Thai]
- I'm promise.
- You promise?
I promise.
You are such an actress.
I don't believe her
for a second.
Okay, okay.
[laughs]
What's with all
the exercise equipment?
Oh, yeah.
- It's good.
What are you doing
to my ears?
What are you doing?
- [groans]
- Ow!
- Whoa!
- Ow!
- [grunts]
- God!
Not ow.
Anna! Anna!
- Not stay here.
- [groans]
- Not stay here.
- Ow!
Oh. Ow.
Ow. Ow!
You hit me.
No, that one
is exercise for you.
That's not exercise for me.
Incredible.
It's [laughing]
- Not good?
- I like you very much.
- I like you.
If you ever need help
with anything,
just yell my name Conan.
[screaming]
Conan!
Only a fool would end their
first long day in Bangkok
after a 20 hour flight
by agreeing to sing
on a hit TV show
in a foreign language.
I was that fool.
How are you? Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.
I am jet lagged.
I'm a little out of it,
and I don't speak Thai.
But I think I can do this.
I'm a real song and dance man,
whatever you guys
where are you?
Whatever you guys need,
I can do it, okay?
I'm agile, I'm still spry
for my age.
Oh, sorry.
That person just saw
an old red-headed woman
doing leg squats and ran away.
Tell me if there's
anything you need.
Yes.
I need to be able
to speak Thai,
and I need to be able
to sing this song.
And I need more talent
than I have.
Those are the three things
I need.
- In 30 minutes?
- 30 minutes.
This is Jen,
who's helping us out.
Here.
[singing along in Thai]
What's the song about?
It's, like,
about someone in the corner
that, like, he's looking at
and having a crush on.
Oh, it's, like,
a song about a creep.
Yeah.
Possibly a stalker.
Here, you be the
you're the girl, right,
and you're here just
minding your own business.
- Uh-huh.
- And then
Yeah, exactly.
Not that scary. [laughs]
[clears throat]
Here we go.
[singing along in Thai]
Mai plot pai is that "phai"?
Mai plot phai.
What does that mean,
"mai plot phai"?
- Not safe.
- Not safe?
Yes.
It's a song
about a creepy guy
who's making the woman
feel not safe.
What a wonderful ballad.
[singing along in Thai]
[soft pop music playing]
♪
Time to go. Time to go.
Music.
[speaking Thai]
[dramatic music]
[speaking Thai]
Mr. Conan O'Brien.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Welcome to "The Wall Song."
This is a huge treat for me.
Yes!
[speaking Thai]
[laughter]
I got off a plane
four hours ago.
I don't know what's happening.
[laughter]
[speaking Thai]
And do you know that
you come to this program,
you have to sing a song for us?
I'm jet-lagged
and I don't know the language.
Let's give it a shot.
Gentlemen.
Okay.
[cheers and applause]
[romantic music playing]
♪
[singing in Thai]
[speaking Thai]
[music stops]
[upbeat music]
[zany cartoon sound effects
playing]
♪
[laughter]
I I don't know where I am
or what is happening.
But God bless you all.
And really, what you're
doing here is God's work.
I really believe that,
and I'm gonna go
to the nearest hospital.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
After my appearance,
I needed protection
from angry Thai viewers.
Meet Pon.
Pon is my security guard, yes?
- Yep.
'Cause there's this notion
someone had that people here
in Thailand would
just go so crazy
when they saw me that
my life might be in danger.
Pon, has anyone tried
to attack me so far?
No.
Does anyone
seem that excited?
No.
I'm gonna come at you
in a few different ways,
and you show me
what you would do.
I'll do it in slow motion.
I'll kill you, Pon.
I'll get you, Pon.
[laughter]
I'll get you, Pond.
- [grunting]
Oh!
I'm very impressed.
Thank you.
[grunts]
Good.
Okay, I'm on the
famous Damnoen River.
This is the site
of the floating market.
You can float along
this river, and very soon
we'll encounter other boats
that are selling things,
and I can haggle and buy stuff
while I'm on the boat.
Hold on. Oh, oh! Stop.
What do you see?
What do we have here?
Let's see what we have here.
Hold on. Hold on.
No, no.
I'll give you 6, 6.
[speaking Thai]
I just haggled.
Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it.
[laughter]
I must have this.
Can you put this
in a bag, please?
I don't wanna walk around
with this.
Yeah, if you could
wrap that up.
Look, it's already
breaking through.
It's look at that.
Ah! No!
I didn't buy anything.
I didn't buy that.
A child.
He saw this.
What are these? What's this?
Is this a potato? What is it?
It's tamarind.
You can't get good tamarind
at Whole Foods.
My God, look at this.
Look at this.
How much for the python?
[speaking Thai]
200 to buy?
- No, not buy. Photo.
- Photo.
Oh, photo?
They seem to think
that I want the python,
like, wrapped around me.
Give me your hand.
The kissing,
kissing not necessary.
- Give me your hand. You touch.
- Okay, that's great.
I paid for this privilege.
[speaking Thai]
Oh, yes, that's great, yes,
the kiss, yes.
Yeah. Mwah, mwah, mwah.
[laughs]
Yes, yes.
Yeah, you know.
Now now you kiss.
You kiss. You kiss.
No, no. No, no.
Oh, this way.
I want the big fan, big fan.
- Big fan.
- Right there.
Oh, my.
[lively traditional music]
Ooh, hoo!
Nice. Feels good, right?
[rubber chicken squeaking]
Ah! Rubber chicken! Go back!
I must have it. Rubber chicken.
[speaking Thai]
- [speaking Thai]
[rubber chicken squeaking]
[laughter]
[rubber chicken squeaking
continues]
Hey, look!
all:
Conan, Conan, Conan!
Yes!
You can't buy that kind
of propaganda.
Thank you, Pon. Thank you.
This is very good.
Oh, Pon, just one second.
Do you think
[grunting]
Fan. God, he's good.
The people of Thailand
have a tradition
of bold and colorful clothing,
and being a known fashionista,
I decided to partake.
Nanya is a very famous suit
and dress maker
here in Bangkok.
- Yeah.
What I would like is
something very nice and formal
because this is how
I normally dress,
like someone who just
got out of rehab, you know.
Oh, hello.
[speaking Thai]
This means
we are now married.
[laughter]
Yes.
Now, my chest,
big chest for a big man.
- Yes.
- Strong man.
Yes, yes.
That's why your name
is Conan.
Yes, because I'm so strong!
- Oh.
- Thank you.
While my suit was being made,
I ducked out
to a local shopping mall,
where I ran into
a longtime fan.
I was filming over there,
and someone said
you wanted to talk to me.
What's going on?
- Yeah.
I just had this with me.
Look at that.
You have a "Late Night
with Conan O'Brien" shirt.
How long ago did you get that?
17 years ago.
- Did you get it at the show?
- Yeah, I got it from a show.
I went, stood in line, got a
ticket, went and watched you.
Do you remember
what happened during the show?
Yeah, there was some skit
down the aisles
and Winter Olympics
or something.
It was during, like,
the Finland president
I vaguely remember this.
So wait, you were
in the audience?
- I'm in
- Where are you?
- That's me right there.
- Stop it.
- That's me.
- There you are!
You know what I'm noticing?
Know what? You're not laughing.
- [laughs]
- You're not.
I'm just looking at myself.
You look like
you're about to be executed.
17 years ago,
you witnessed that sketch.
Then, miraculously,
we are reunited.
You didn't laugh then.
Can you give me the laugh
that you didn't give me then?
- Sure, sure.
- Go.
[forced laugh]
All right. Thank you.
Having bagged
yet another fake laugh,
I got a text
that my suit was ready.
Huh?
- Oh, wow.
Right?
Yes.
What do you think?
Beautiful.
Contrast.
I feel very important
a great man, a man who stands
astride a continent,
a man who's in control
and commands.
Huh?
A man who deserves great
respect, that's how I feel.
A man who commands millions.
A man who will live
throughout history
and never be forgotten.
A man with his hands
on his hips
for a long time,
even though
that's not necessary
and no one stands this way.
A man men want to be
and women want to be with,
and some men want to be with,
and that's okay.
It's whatever anyone's into.
A man who walks around
still with hands on hips,
padding on ass.
A man who refers to himself
as a man a lot.
A man who just goes on
and on and on
while this patient artist
waits for him to be quiet
and leave the country.
A man who doesn't understand
that maybe his time here
ran out 20 minutes ago.
A man who will live
throughout history
Bangkok's clothes are matched
by the color and beauty
of their magnificent temples.
This is Pong.
Pong is a professional
and expert tour guide.
Hello, Pong.
- Hello.
- Very good to see you.
- Nice to meet you.
Yeah. [speaking Thai]
You take people on tours
of the Buddhist temples.
Is that right?
- Yes.
The temple tour is good
because, um,
95% of the people here
are Buddhists.
I see.
And a man like my age
used to be monk for some time.
Wait a minute.
You were a monk?
- Yeah, one week.
- One week?
One week, yeah.
You can do meditation
to purify your soul,
to be reincarnation
for the next life.
Okay, you know what,
I don't want a next life.
This this life
has been trouble enough.
Is it okay to to take a pass
on the next life?
Commit suicide, maybe,
but it's not
not the right way.
[laughter]
You're the first person
I've met today
that has advised me
to commit suicide.
- Yeah.
- Where are we right now?
What is this beautiful
structure behind us?
We call Wat Arun.
This must have
taken months to build.
This is beautiful.
So like a year to build?
In total now,
240 years for Bangkok time.
- That's unions.
- Yeah.
[soft traditional music]
Yes, yes, yes.
Where are you from?
- China.
Oh, you're from China?
Thank you. Thank you.
I never know you are so tall.
No one knows I'm this tall.
People think I'm small.
I'm very
I just told that you
are the big movie
I mean TV star.
- Well, movie star.
I'm on cable television!
Oh!
[shark growling]
Yeah, TV star, yeah.
I said you host for an Oscar.
Well, Emmys, Emmys, and the
the Latin Grammys.
I hosted the Latin Grammys.
This guy was a monk for a week.
Tell him.
He's telling you I used
to be a monk for one week.
I thought you were gonna
say it in their language,
and then you just said
what I said again.
Let's get out of here.
All these temples in Thailand
are guarded by massive,
fierce stone warriors
standing there angry.
But then there's this guy.
I just found him.
And I'm gonna say it.
He's just sassy.
[upbeat music]
♪
Sassy!
- Which temple is this?
- Reclining Buddha Temple.
Reclining Buddha Temple.
[soft traditional music]
This is absolutely
jaw dropping.
This is one of the most
extraordinary things
I've ever seen in my life.
Now, let me ask you a question.
The Buddha is reclining,
but he's clearly not asleep,
unless he sleeps
with his eyes open,
which is creepy.
- Because
I had a girlfriend
that did that once.
- Because just
- [snores]
Just the image, is not real.
Okay.
Oh, I know it's not real.
The Reclining Buddha
is a symbol of Tuesday.
Is that right?
- Yes.
And Wednesday is
The meditation position.
And what about Monday?
Monday Monday
You don't know Monday?
See?
You can't just be
you can't be a monk
for a week
- A week.
- And then say, I've got it.
[snoring]
Next I was off to Bangkok's
Chinatown, which at night
transforms into one of
the world's biggest spots
for street food.
I'm here to experience
the culture in Bangkok,
and that means everything,
even if that includes
eating street food
that, well, frankly, scares me,
'cause that's what
travel hosts do.
Deep-fried scorpion.
[crunching]
Delicious.
♪
Thai street food
is notoriously spicy
crazy spicy.
What they do often is tone
it down for the tourists.
I said no, I can handle it.
Go all the way.
Give me your spiciest.
Is this it?
Not bad.
[suspenseful music]
[heartbeat thumping]
♪
[voice echoing]
Crazy spicy.
[maniacal laughing]
[voice echoing]
I said no. I can handle it.
Ee! Ee!
[sobbing]
Go all the way.
Shut up.
Give me your spiciest.
[car horns honking]
[soft string music]
[screaming]
[voice echoing]
Crazy spicy.
[voice distorted]
Crazy spicy.
Sassy!
[voice echoing]
I'm back.
[laughing maniacally]
[lively music]
Once the feeling finally
returned to my face,
I visited another fan.
At least I thought
she was a fan.
Nice to see you, Whitney.
Tell me a little bit
about yourself.
What do you do for fun?
I climb.
I do indoor rock climbing.
Have you tried?
- No.
The idea of going to a gym
and doing rock climbing
really frightens me.
No, it's really fun.
You should try.
Whitney, do you really think
I'd be a good rock climber, honestly?
No.
[laughter]
Well well, wait a minute.
Are you aware that
I'm a very old man?
I am aware.
You, like, 70s?
No, I'm not 70s!
I like Whitney.
That's terrible.
Is there anything you'd like to
say that's positive about me?
Well no.
[laughter]
All right.
Well, Whitney, I do hope
our paths cross one day
and you take care.
Hey.
- Hi.
Nice to see you.
How are you doing?
- I'm good.
- Oh, Whitney. How are you?
I'm good. I'm good.
Where are we?
Is this your apartment?
It's a gym, a climbing gym.
- This is a climbing gym.
- Yes.
Can I say, you are so strong?
- Thank you.
- Now, you try this.
Oh, that's good, too,
not bad.
You can lie a little.
How about a little
- I already did.
You already did.
[laughing]
Oh, this is good.
You're tethered to something.
- This is top rope.
- Okay.
So Barn there,
she's gonna belay me.
Okay, she's gonna belay you,
which that means she
My life is in her hands.
If you fell,
she would catch you.
- Yes.
- Okay.
You must stay focused.
I know it's a big deal
to you that I'm here
big deal.
She doesn't even
know who you are.
She's pretending to not who
know who I am,
to try and look cool.
Whitney, whenever
you're ready, go for it.
Okay.
Climbing.
[mysterious music]
♪
She's going up so quickly.
She's like Spider-Woman.
[speaking Thai]
Whitney, that's incredible.
Thank you.
I don't think I can do that.
You can do it.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Just try.
You just wanna see me fail.
Well, that's true.
[laughing]
So this leg here.
- And this one
- Small one too.
- This one for left.
And then this has to go
on either side of
- Yeah.
- Yes, the
What? The junk?
We don't say "junk."
What do you say?
Testicles.
The male reproductive system
has to be avoided
on both sides, yes?
What's that?
You already have kids,
so you should be okay.
Oh, just 'cause
I have children already,
I don't need a penis?
- Yes.
You're a you're
it's the Don Rickles
of Bangkok.
You're unbelievable.
So you just put your foot
on this part, right?
- Yeah.
- You ready?
[tense music]
Go, Conan. Go.
- Yeah.
- You can do it.
Yeah.
Move your hand high,
and move your right foot
to the right side.
Look at the right side.
We have the big one.
I'm doing it!
I'm bleeding a little bit.
Is that okay?
You are fine.
You're fine.
You're fine, yeah.
You're very good.
The big one on your left.
- Yeah.
You guys suck.
Yeah, big one on the right.
Why?
Why did I come to Bangkok?
Doing it.
- Nice.
- Yeah, almost top, Conan.
[grunting]
Go to the left.
Go to the left.
Two more.
Okay!
- Yes!
[both cheering]
I did it!
Take me down.
Just let go and lean back.
Nice job!
Be careful.
[laughs]
[panting]
Okay.
All the way, all the way.
Now put a sheet over me.
See? You did it.
You motivated me, Whitney.
By laughing at me,
you made me fly
over 8,000 miles, come here
- And you try.
And do something
I didn't think I could do.
Awesome.
How is the health care
in Bangkok?
- Terrible.
Okay.
I'm at Big Brain Studios
right now,
and I'm here because a lot of
animation is done in Thailand.
They do fantastic work here,
and I've been invited
to this studio by Thum.
Is that right?
- Thum, yes.
Thank you so much
for having me.
Here's what I've noticed.
When I watch television here
in Bangkok, lots of animation.
Right.
And even when
they're shooting somebody,
they have lots of things
happening all around them.
- Right. Yeah.
- You guys love animation.
Of course, yes.
Tell me what people
are working on.
I don't wanna bother anybody.
Who's this guy?
- He's Hey.
- This is Hey?
- Hey, the monitor lizard.
So this is a character that
you created here in studio?
- Yes.
- Hey!
[energetic jazz music]
♪
Isn't it possible that you've
done something very dangerous?
You've taken the monitor
lizard,
a known predator and danger
to all humans,
and made him cute and cuddly
to children.
Don't you believe that
maybe this is a mistake?
Ow! He bit me.
- No.
- Infected, oh.
Oh, no, no.
He tricked me.
He was so cute and cuddly.
We-oh, we-oh.
[imitating heart monitor
flatlining]
- No.
- Yes.
Conan's gone, Conan's gone.
Who's to blame? Thum.
[laughs]
No way.
What's amazing is,
I've been walking through
and talking to you,
and no one stopped working.
Because they're
afraid of you.
They're afraid of me?
How do you know
they're afraid and they
maybe it's just that
they don't care?
No, no, no, no, no.
They are polite because most
or some of them
cannot speak, but
- They can't
Here, this guy
can speak English.
I like how you just
you just shoved him around.
Like, you'll pay
attention to Conan.
Yes.
He can speak to you.
No, no.
What are you doing?
These are people.
These are not puppets.
These are human beings.
He like me to do,
like, things like that.
Okay, I'm sure.
Yeah, he seems to love it.
He loves yeah, yeah.
He loves your whole
Franklin Roosevelt bit.
Here, right over here.
There you go. Enjoy.
You can ask him
about animation.
Okay.
I could, or I could ask him
if he feels safe here.
If he feels he feels safe.
Do you feel safe working
here or does she scare you?
No, I I behind your back,
so he can see me.
Crazy woman.
Crazy right here.
Yes, I understand.
Thum, we asked you
and your creative team
here at Big Brain to make
an animated short
that commemorates
my visit to Thailand.
- Mm-hmm.
- You've done that?
It's a work in process,
but you can see
Can I see
what we have so far?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Here we go.
There I am, showing up.
Oh, look.
There I am on a motor scooter.
Oh, that's so great.
Getting a massage.
Got you
Oh, eating a scorpion.
What's going on
with my throat right here?
It looks to be swollen,
as if I have a glandular issue.
- It's Thai style.
- Thai style.
They believe that if you
have, like, a lot of this,
you get, like,
richer and richer.
Yeah, but here's the thing.
I live in Los Angeles,
and we would
have these lines removed.
But in animation
we believe that
you're gonna get
richer and richer.
Yes, but in real life in LA,
if you have wrinkles,
you get poorer and poorer.
- Oh.
- Okay.
I have a few things
that maybe we could add,
if it's not a problem, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
That are more accurate
to my trip here.
Right.
Can we include
a segment where
I'm not answering texts
from my wife?
Maybe the phone
could be going
[shrilly] Where are you?
Where are you?
And I'm just, you know,
not listening, okay?
Okay.
Maybe a little segment
where I'm having
way too much white wine
at night in the hotel bar.
Okay.
And then maybe my producer
pulling me away from the bar.
Yeah.
Oh, maybe a segment where,
because I watched your cartoon,
I think monitor lizards
are safe.
So I go to cuddle one
and it bites me,
and I get a terrible
blood infection.
And then you and I
are in court.
- Oh.
- Let's add that segment.
Yeah, yeah, you're in court,
and the judge is going,
"You're guilty."
And then I get
a whole bunch of money.
- Okay.
- Okay? Yeah.
And then the then the
monitor lizard and I high five
'cause we were
in cahoots the whole time.
- Okay.
- Thank you very much.
[both speaking Thai]
Good luck ever getting money
out of me for this.
[laughs]
[roaring]
There was another temple
to explore in Thailand.
Yes, I'm talking
about my body,
which I decided
to put to the test.
This is Chao.
Chao runs a school,
TC Muay Thai?
- Yes. Thai Boxing.
- This is Thai boxing.
Chen "Chao" Weichao
is a former
WBC Muay Thai world champion
and a master of one
of the most grueling
types of boxing in the world,
Thailand's own Muay Thai.
Thai boxing, of course,
we all know uses a lot of legs.
Yes.
[audience shouting]
Look at my legs, long.
Look, this leg is as long as
almost as you.
Comes up to
- Yes.
Oh, my God.
- Right.
I wanna ask Chao
a couple of questions.
Okay.
Chao, how long have you
been a boxer?
[both speaking Thai]
- Yeah, you need to tell me.
- Okay.
Do you understand
how translating works?
You get it, right?
- Yes.
He told you in Thai,
and you're like
Well, I'm glad you know now.
- 16 years.
- 16 years?
Yes.
Does he think I have
the physical attributes
one needs to be
a good Thai boxer?
- [speaking Thai]
- Yes.
- Agile. I move.
- Yes.
I move.
- Wow, wow.
- I'm here.
- Yeah.
- I'm over here.
Right? Right? Now I'm here.
Incredible, yes?
- Yeah.
Can I use Thai boxing
in a real fight?
Because sometimes
people come after me,
and I need to protect myself,
mostly family members.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Yeah. My wife not happy.
Wow.
Yeah. Okay, okay.
Yeah.
- My wife.
- Oh, your wife is here.
- Yes.
- Is she also a fighter?
- Yes.
Do you ever start
kicking each other?
Yes.
[speaking Thai]
Wha wha what?
This is your wife.
Your name is?
- Yui.
- Yui.
Is it true what he says,
that sometimes you
you guys are
kicking each other?
Yeah, just for fun.
Oh, for fun.
I love that if you two went
to a couples counselor,
all the discussion would be
methods of self-defense.
[laughs]
Forced laugh.
All right, show me
what I need to know.
- Hup, hup.
- Hup.
- Hup.
- Hup.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
One.
Uh-huh.
Two.
One.
Okay.
- Yeah.
This just broke.
This is all broken. Broken.
[both grunting]
- One, two!
One, two, three, four! Hup.
Hup, hup, hup, hup.
One, two, three, four!
[yelling]
Why are you yelling?
I'm the one
that's doing everything.
And then kick.
[yelling, grunting]
Okay.
I feel like
I'm ready to fight.
Yes.
I think in about
four minutes,
I have mastered Thai boxing.
- Yeah.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
- Are you afraid?
- Yeah.
- You should be afraid.
- Yeah.
- Call your family.
- Yes.
Tell them today
is the day you die.
I have daughter.
I have a son.
- I'm sorry.
You had daughter. You had son.
No one has survived
these legs, no one.
[dramatic traditional music]
♪
Here.
Oh, stairs.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
[exhales]
♪
[grunting]
[groans]
[panting]
♪
[bell dinging]
♪
[grunting]
[yelling]
[groaning]
- [laughing]
Yes! Yes!
[speaking Thai]
[laughing maniacally]
[intense music]
♪
[all groaning]
After putting eight men
in the hospital,
I knew it was time to race to
the airport and flee Thailand.
I'll never forget my visit
to this magical country,
my fans, Anna,
her mom, and Whitney,
and especially
the Thai people,
some of the warmest, funniest,
and, perhaps rarest of all,
happiest people I've ever met.
They made me feel so welcome,
and it was gratifying
to learn that my name
means a lot in their country.
But they also tested me,
putting me through some
of the most grueling physical
and mental challenges
I've ever had
to endure in my life,
experiences, and triumphs
I will never forget.
Thank you, Thailand.
[upbeat music]
[horn honks]
[chimes]
[snoring]
[phone buzzes]
[jazz music]
♪
[sighs]
♪
[siren wailing]
[laughing]
[gentle traditional music]
♪
This is deranged.