Conan O'Brien Must Go (2024) s01e03 Episode Script
Argentina
1
Earth, a cradle
for unimaginable beauty
and staggering wonder.
Incomprehensible,
overwhelming,
this planet mocks our
feeble power to describe it.
Yes, to truly appreciate
the astounding grandeur
of this planet,
sometimes, you must defile it.
Behold, the defiler.
[slow dramatic opera music]
His character is vile,
base, and depraved.
Once a proud talk show host,
he's been driven
by a changing ecosystem
to a drier
and harsher climate,
the weekly podcast.
Here, without the nourishment
of his studio audience,
this clown with dull,
tiny eyes,
the eyes
of a crudely painted doll,
is forced to feed
on that meagerest of morsels,
the random call-in fan.
Unhinged by the feral scent
of their mild enthusiasm,
he scavenges in distant lands,
uninvited,
fueled by a bottomless hunger
for recognition
and the occasional selfie.
[heroic orchestral music]
♪
This is madness.
This is lunacy.
This is chaos.
♪
This is
"Conan O'Brien Must Go."
♪
[suspenseful music]
♪
[tense musical echo]
Hi, Conan.
My name is Sebastian.
I'm calling
from Buenos Aires, Argentina.
Tell me a little bit
about yourself, Sebastian.
I'm an artist,
a painter, illustrator.
And these are my
some of my paintings.
Oh, my God.
You're really
you're really good.
- Amazing.
- Those are terrific.
I'm curious.
Would you ever paint me?
Oh, yeah.
You are very handsome.
- Oh, that's see?
- Thank you.
There you go.
And what have you
noticed about me
that stands out in a portrait?
You have, like, a chin
like a tomato soup chin,
you know?
- [laughs]
- Wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
I have a tomato soup can chin?
The Campbell
the Campbell soup, you know?
I don't care what
type of soup it is.
[laughter]
[gentle guitar music]
♪
[doorbell buzzes]
Wow.
Hey, hey, my friend.
How are you?
- What are you doing here, man?
- Nice to see you. How are you?
You're as handsome
in person as you are
You too, man.
You too, man.
- Eh, you like that chin?
- You are taller.
You are taller.
- Yeah, I'm much taller, yeah.
Nice to see you.
- This is Bruno, one of my
- Hey, Bruno.
How are you?
Bruno.
- Santiago.
- Santiago.
Santiago, Bruno,
nice to see you.
Um, and must embrace the way
people do in this country,
which is I'm supposed
to kiss you, right?
- Yeah.
- OK.
both: Mwah.
Now, I won't kiss boys.
That won't happen.
- Yeah.
And I won't get caught again.
That's not happening again.
- [laughs]
OK? [chuckles]
That's
- You already did that?
That's AI.
That's a fake tape.
[Sebastian laughs]
Um, listen,
just a joke, kids.
You like that kind
of joking around, don't you?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Isn't it funny?
Ha-ha-ha.
It's a funny area.
Your father is a great artist.
And I would like to see some
of your artwork in person.
- OK.
- Is that possible?
Yes.
The studio is upstairs.
I'm like "Ra-poon-zel."
- You're like what?
- "Ra-poon-zell."
- Rapunzel.
- Rapunzel.
You're in Argentina.
No, no, I'm sorry.
I don't care.
- Princess with the long hair.
- Uh, yes, yes.
Oh, I know who it is.
[groans] I know who it is.
[laughter]
It's Rapunzel, though.
We say Rapunzel.
We don't say
- He's not a princess.
No, uh OK, listen, you two.
I want you to go to bed.
Here's my studio.
This is tiny.
This is a very small space.
It's only one person studio.
Why don't you paint out here?
Here, it's very hot
with the sun.
- Yeah.
- The sun is like
Yeah, the sun is in the sky, yes.
It's not in the sky.
What's that?
It's not in the sky.
The sun is not in the sky?
It's in the space.
It's in space?
Do you ever throw him
off the building?
- I try.
- You can throw him?
- But he come back.
- OK.
Oh, this guy looks
like a lot of
there's a guy there
scowling at us.
You know who that is?
He keeps looking up at us.
- Yeah.
Hola! Cómo está?
OK. Look
- OK.
Now, you have a lot
of friends, right?
Of course.
Now, you, kind of loner.
- No.
- No. You're right?
Yes.
You're
keep to yourself, right?
Just you and your little
experiments, right?
You kill mice for fun?
- [chuckles]
- Right?
Does he does he
are there a lot
of dead animals in
the neighborhood,
and this guy is killing them?
- He has his friends.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I have a dog.
- Yeah, you have a dog.
Well, he's not
going to last long.
[laughter]
- With him? No.
Yeah. OK, listen, I'm just
giving you a hard time.
I'm kidding around with you.
- OK.
- OK?
- He wants to be famous.
You want to be famous?
I am famous right now.
Yeah, well, once the
body count gets up,
you'll be well-known.
[laughter]
You know,
you got to beat Bundy.
He had, like, 48.
You'll get there.
- [chuckles]
- God, look at him grinning.
Yeah.
He's like, "Mm, I'm at 44."
Hey, and cats don't count.
Don't jump off that thing.
You'll be killed.
What's wrong with you guys?
- Let me
What's that?
I'm going to push?
Oh, never tell people
about your crimes.
That's for later on when
they come and interview you
in the jail cell.
Um, you've done a terrible job.
- Thank you.
There are the worst children
I've ever talked to.
OK, I brought
Sebastian in here,
away from those devil children
'cause I want to pitch him
an idea.
Sebastian, you agreed
to do a painting of me.
I'm wondering maybe
I should be with two other
famous Argentinians.
Maybe if I'm with Messi
in the painting
and I'm with the Pope
- Oh, nice.
It's the three of us.
And I have my
OK, yeah.
Maybe I have
my arms around them.
And maybe we give it a title.
OK.
"The Sacred Sons
of Argentina."
You're one of them?
I have to say,
I'm very impressed.
It's been half an hour, tops.
And this is what Sebastian
has come up with.
That looks fantastic.
- Thank you.
You are very talented, seriously.
Thank you.
Could this be a mural?
Well
Where people can see it.
What if we do, like
I do a painting.
Mm-hmm.
And then inspiring
that painting, we do a mural.
Sure.
You have someone who can
help us make this a mural?
- Yes, one of the best.
- OK.
We are like the Avengers
of paintings.
Oh, yeah. Which one are you?
You Iron Man?
No, I'm, uh
uh, the girl.
Oh.
I don't know what the name.
Black Widow.
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know the Avengers.
[laughs]
So you reference
the Avengers, but you don't
- Yeah, but I don't know them.
- You don't know any of them.
Thor, Thor is Avenger.
Sure.
Yeah.
Superman, no.
No, you're crossing Marvel
and DC.
- Oh, sorry.
- That would get you
in America,
they would shoot you for that.
- Sorry.
- Fantastic.
This will be a mural.
- OK.
Whenever I visit
a new country,
I like to learn
the local customs,
so I can ignore them.
We are in downtown
Buenos Aires.
Is that right?
- Yes.
And this is Martina.
Martina has agreed to help me.
You're a translator.
- Yeah.
I want to make sure that
I understand all I need to know
about being in Argentina.
Well, people here
are super friendly.
Super friendly, that's good
because I'm friendly, too.
People generally
kiss each other, for example,
when they say hello.
You can just say hello like,
"Hello, Conan."
- Hello. Mwah.
OK, so be quick.
- And that's it.
I'm gonna show
you how quick it is.
Look, look.
- Like that.
- Mwah.
- Done.
OK.
So it's like a pretend kiss.
It's like a mmm.
Like
Yes, but you actually,
like, touch each other.
You can actually,
like, do like this.
[chuckles]
You're making it so weird.
But, yeah.
- That's what I do.
That's what you do.
That is my gift from God.
From God.
What are some insults that
I can use that are very, like
people can tell, "Oh,
he's really from Buenos Aires"?
- So we use a lot, boludo.
- Boludo.
Yes.
So it's like, "Qué boludo."
Qué boludo.
What does that mean?
You know, like,
such an idiot, you know, like
- Qué boludo.
- Qué boludo.
Pretend you're very mad
at me right now.
I was very late to meet you
for this coffee.
Hola.
Cómo está?
Conan.
So boludo.
[speaking Spanish]
Have you checked the time?
Uh, we must kiss first.
[chuckling] Oh, my God.
[Conan smooches]
OK.
It's OK.
Just stay there.
Stay here?
What is the attitude about
Americans here, in general?
It depends on the American.
So sometimes
not all of you,
but some of you are
very loud
- Abogado!
- [screams]
Taking a lot of, like,
space
This is tiny.
And, uh, being a bit rude.
- You've done a terrible job.
- Thank you.
These are the worst
children I've ever talked to.
We're not all that way.
I don't know
if this is for the show,
but we had the
worst dictatorships
because of the support
of the American government,
not the people.
That's true in many countries
too, also.
Mm-hmm, yes,
especially in Latin America.
Many Latin American
countries, that's true.
And you're right.
This won't make it
into the show.
But sorry. I will just
- No, no, no. No.
- Stop talking about politics.
No, not because it's not true
but because, you know,
we try to do
make things funny.
Yes, like, fun and
And I've always tried
to make it funny
that America's imperialist past
has ruined countless
[chuckling] Yeah.
Huge continents
all around it.
I mean, my God, our track
record is pretty abysmal.
But then again,
so are most superpowers.
I mean, look what England did.
But again, this isn't going
to make it into the show
because it's not light.
- Oh, yes.
You know,
it's not light and fun.
Uh-huh.
But America, England,
look what the Spanish did.
I mean, my God, Spain,
colonial Spain, just terrible.
I mean, what country
that achieved power
didn't then misuse it
and cause a lot of misery
around the world?
America is just one
in a long list.
Well, this is the kind
of comedy I'm doing now.
You can send
my Peabody Award
[soft dramatic music]
To 505 Wilshire Boulevard.
OK?
That's Los Angeles, California.
I was just
thinking other things
that are annoying
by the Americans
when you come here sometimes.
Oh, that's nice.
Let's hear more about that.
What a great date this is.
[chuckling] Yes, this is.
And what happens
when I leave?
Do we kiss goodbye?
- Oh, so we say ciao.
Ciao.
So you have to kiss everyone
when you leave a room.
- Wait.
- Even if you don't know them
Every time you leave a room,
you have to kiss everyone?
Even if you don't know them,
you kiss them.
What if you're dismissed
from a jury?
Do you get up, and you, like,
kiss everyone in the jury?
[laughs]
If you are good friends, yeah.
Juror number seven,
you're dismissed.
Well, I'm so sorry,
Your Honor.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Give me a minute. Yeah.
[indistinct]
- Really? That's crazy.
- It's insane.
Oh.
Ciao.
- Ciao.
- Ciao.
- That was so weird.
- Ciao.
Ciao.
Ciao!
onlookers: Ciao.
- Ciao.
[gentle guitar music]
Sorry.
[chuckles awkwardly]
[Conan smooches]
- Only one.
- Ciao.
[Conan smooches]
- [speaking Spanish]
- Oh, just one time.
- Right.
♪
[Coanan smooches]
[person chuckles]
No.
One time.
Did I get you all ready?
Yeah. [chuckles]
Mwah.
[Conan smooches]
I love you.
- Te amo. I love you.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, oh, kiss.
[chuckling] Oh.
[Coanan smooches]
♪
[Conan smooching]
♪
After making out
with all my new friends,
I decided to catch up
with an old one.
Of course, Argentina is famous
for meat and wine.
And I know someone
who claims to be
an expert on these matters,
so I brought him along.
Some of you may know him
as Jordan Schlansky.
Jordan.
- Yes.
Thank you for joining me.
- Thank you for having me.
- Yeah.
Jordan, you and I have traveled
to other countries together.
- Yes.
- We've been to Japan.
Sure.
Shinto is everywhere,
in us as well.
I think you're
full of Shinto.
The United States.
I take issue with the way
a lot of coffee bars
in the United States
prepare their espresso.
I would rather
watch this table spin
than listen to anything
you have to say.
Where else?
- Italy.
- Italy.
You want to be able to see
your finger through it.
Jordan,
see if you can see my finger.
But now we're here
in Argentina.
I asked
- Buenos Aires.
- Buenos Aires.
- Yeah.
You don't have to do that.
- Yes.
- Just say Buenos Aires.
I gesticulate sometimes
to punctuate
the word that I speak.
I gesticulate too, a lot more
when I was a teenager.
[indistinct chatter]
It's a masturbation joke.
I understand.
I think this is, uh, kind of
an Argentinian barbecue place.
Yes?
- You may call it barbecue.
It's a little bit ham-handed,
if you will.
But I call it asado.
I was trying to explain
to the viewer
that, OK,
this is like barbeque.
You can call it barbecue
if you like, sure.
No, I'm going to call
it the correct term.
This is asado.
- Yeah.
- We're having asado
- Yes.
- In Buenos Aires
- Yes.
[Spanish intonation]
With an asshole.
[normally]
Let's toast each other.
All right.
[glasses clink]
What were you doing
with your mouth?
You went
- I was tasting this wine.
And what do you think?
It's adequate for
this is perfectly suited
to this situation.
Hey, that's great.
Let's get the owner
of the restaurant over
and say, "Hey, thanks a lot.
This was adequate."
Should we do that?
You know, the magic
doesn't necessarily have to be
in the wine bottle.
The magic is between us,
two gauchos.
Oh, then we're fucked.
[Conan laughs]
Totally fucked.
Uh, mi nombre es Conan.
- Enrique.
- Enrique.
And Jor
- Yo soy Jordan.
Mucho gusto.
Tell us, uh
the meats, carnes, asada.
- Asada.
- Qué tipos
qué tipos de asada
tiene usted?
[speaking Spanish]
[Conan chuckles]
word that you just said.
Yeah.
Mm, very good.
Culturally
- Yeah.
How familiar are you
with the culture of Argentina?
- Well, I know
- We're here.
That regarding culture
of the Argentines,
I'm certainly no expert.
However, I will tell you
that I know that the passion
and intensity of tango is
flows through the blood
of the Argentine people.
It's on every street corner
that we encounter.
- Tango.
- "Tahn-go."
Tango.
It's pronounced "tahn-go."
Tango.
"Last Tango in Paris."
"Last 'Tahn-go' in Paris."
Or more accurately,
"Last 'Tahn-go' in 'Paree.'"
No one's ever said,
"I just saw that movie
that I don't understand.
"It's really freaking weird
with Marlon Brando
called
'Last 'Tahn-go' " in 'Paree.''"
No one's ever said that.
Not once.
But we just said it.
We just said it.
- Not once!
- No, once, right here.
We both said it.
That's twice.
What do you call "Jaws,"
"Ja-wuz"?
No, "Jaws."
That's an English word.
Yeah.
ET, "Eh-tuh."
Let's go watch "Star Wars."
[Conan grunts unintelligibly]
It's OK to say tango.
Well, the word is "tahn-go."
But you can say tango.
Now, you see,
this is a problem right here.
This is my biggest problem
with this place.
What?
This is purified water,
not spring water.
Do you know what
purified water is?
Who cares?
It's vapor-distilled,
which removes all
the dissolved solids, right?
So now it's
a completely pure water,
which one might think
is positive.
However, they realize this.
And after
they vapor-distilled this water
and removed
all dissolved solids,
they artificially
put minerals back in.
You know, things like
calcium and magnesium.
This is emulating spring water.
And my logic is
just get the spring water.
You know what?
You said exactly what
I was thinking.
God bless you.
I was thinking the same thing.
What's this?
No minerals?
No, it has minerals.
They're artificially added.
Uh, that's what I said.
Artificially-added minerals?
I don't get why you
can't follow this.
The minerals are removed
- That's what I said.
And they're put back in
artificially.
Remove them
and put them back in?
That's what I said.
Remove them, put them back in?
I just want spring water
that has the natural minerals.
- That's what I said.
- I'll accept from 150 TDS
I just want a spring water.
[mumbling] I don't want
it removed and put it back in.
I didn't want that.
- No.
That's what I said.
You just want the minerals
as they occur in nature.
I want the minerals
as they occur in nature.
Yeah.
Remove 'em
and put them back in?
Whether it's Evian
with 150 TDS
or Gerolsteiner
from Germany with 20
[heavy German accent]
It's Gerolsteiner!
No, it's Gerolsteiner.
[heavy German accent]
It's Gerolsteiner!
Gerolsteiner.
[Conan growls]
You know it's not
Frankenstein, right?
You know, it's
"Franken-schtein."
You know that, right?
[excitedly]
Look.
[voice echoing in glass]
Mmm.
[nasally]
Nice and cold.
Well, you see, you're dulling
the flavor of that wine
like you're trying to dull
your own childhood pain
with that meat.
I don't mind your shenanigans
with the asado.
But I really liked that.
And I don't want your
disgusting slobber on it.
I know I did talk a lot about
sharing in Argentine culture.
Yeah, but this is barbaric.
[pouting] I'm sorry.
And I just wanted
the entraña.
And I knew out of all
the five meats we have,
you have to pick that one up
and decide to be funny.
So you're admitting
this is funny?
[Conan laughs]
I win.
[growls]
[indistinct chatter]
Look, I'm Nixon.
[jowly growling]
No one knows that reference
anymore.
This is a real
Argentine parilla.
Now, you're talking
about coal
- Coal.
- And wood.
Why the angle, do you think,
Jordan?
Well, you have to understand
the principles
of thermodynamics.
Now, you understand
- I don't.
So let's just skip it.
OK.
[speaking Spanish badly]
You say tango or "tahn-go"?
Tango.
- Tango, right?
- Sí, tango.
- Tango?
- Tango, tango.
- Tango?
- Tango.
- Tango.
- Tango.
Tango! They don't say
"tahn-go," you idiot!
It's "tahn-go."
It's not "tahn-go"!
These people live here!
Anyhoo, we learned that
it's tango, not "tahn-go."
And that I know about meat
because I have
the ultimate respect
for what they do here.
[patriotic music playing]
[low-pitched jowly growling]
♪
Jordan might not
be a fan of mine,
but luckily, this guy is.
Hello, Conan.
This is Matías, and I'm
calling from Argentina.
Tell us a little bit
about yourself, Matías.
I've just started the 11th
season of our radio program.
Tell us about
your radio show.
That's exciting.
It's been going on 11 seasons?
Well, the problem is that
nobody listens to us.
But otherwise,
it's going great.
When you say nobody
[laughter]
when you say nobody listens,
give me an actual figure
of how many people listen
to the radio show.
About, uh, four.
- Oh.
- Maybe three.
Jesus Christ.
- [laughing] Oh.
- We might
Here's what
I can promise you, Matías,
is that you currently
have four listeners
that you're related to.
Yes.
I can improve
your listenership.
[gentle guitar music]
♪
Hola.
- Hola, Conan.
- Hey. [chuckles]
- What's up?
Matías.
- How are you?
- Cómo está? How are you?
You have a radio show.
And you only have
about four listeners?
Yes.
In a good day, five.
On this radio station,
what's the highest rated show?
How many people listen?
I think it's
Camino Emprendedor and 130.
- They have 130 people?
- Yeah.
So that's the show
we need to take down.
- Exactly.
- Who hosts that show?
I don't know.
Well,
you've done your research.
You don't know?
I don't know my enemy, no.
Well, I'm here to give you
some ambition, OK?
- OK.
- I want to get the numbers up.
And I want you to
believe in yourself.
Right.
First of all,
we'll start with your posture.
I mean, up straight, let's go.
Yes.
And do this occasionally.
Look around and say, "Hmm."
Hmm.
There are horizons
to conquer.
There are
horizons to conquer.
Yeah, this is the kind
of stuff you want to do.
Who's on the t-shirt?
Uh, this is Cosmo and Wanda
from "The Fairly OddParents."
OK.
You can't be wearing these.
You have a Powerpuff Girl
t-shirt?
Uh, actually, I kind of
have a plushy
of the Powerpuff Girls.
Yeah.
[laughter]
You you sick freak.
[laughs]
What are you doing
to these plushies?
No, no, they are decoration.
Well, they start
as decorations.
Then later on, you're
washing them twice a day.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Well, I'm sorry.
This has got to go.
- OK.
I want to see a new Matías.
Is this, like, going to
be like a makeover episode?
No, I don't know
how to do that.
No.
- Oh.
[crew laughing]
- I don't no, not really.
I mean, just lose the goddamn
t-shirt, and we're fine. OK?
[chuckling] OK.
Today I'm going to co-host
the show with you.
- Yes.
- Now, I am a businessman.
I didn't get where I am
just doing things for free.
Will I be paid?
Um
no.
[crew laughing]
The whole inflection
was there's more.
But then you said nothing more.
Well, um, so no.
Period.
[crew laughing]
It's funny.
I usually don't get nervous.
I'm nervous.
Eight, seven, six
oh, man, Argentina,
I hope you're ready.
Well, hello. Welcome
to Noticias Decafeinadas.
And as you can see,
I'm speaking
in English, which is unusual.
And that's because
we have a special guest here,
Conan O'Brien.
Hello.
Very nice to see you, Matías.
How are we making money here?
Uh,
we're actually losing money.
[Conan sighs]
[Mathías chuckles]
Historically,
we have always lost money.
Well, I think we should
start making money.
And do you have any ideas
about how to make money
with this?
Well, every now and then,
you can do a free ad.
And they hear it.
And they go,
"Wow, that's a good ad."
And then you say, "Well,
if you want another one,
you have to pay,"
and then they pay.
Um, well, we could, um,
sell maté, for example.
Yam, our operator,
has maté right now.
Well, who's the maker of
the maté that everyone likes?
- CBSé.
- CBSé?
I'm being brought some
right now.
I, Conan O'Brien,
am now going to have some maté,
but not just any maté!
CBSé.
And now for that delicious sip.
[slurping] Mmm.
[gulps] Delicious.
Now you say, "Conan,
what are you drinking?"
Conan, what what
are you drinking?
Try it again.
Come on.
Conan, what are you drinking?
You don't even
sound interested.
Say, "Hey, Conan.
What'cha drinking?"
Hey, Conan,
what's your thinking?
Ah.
OK, you're a disaster.
This is
Say, "Conan,
what's that you have there?"
Conan, what's that you
what's that you have there?
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my God.
Just say, hi
- Probably that part
- Just say just say this.
Say, "Hi, Conan."
- Hi, Conan.
Ah, I'm glad you asked me
what I'm drinking.
[laughter]
This is maté!
CBSé.
La gente de Argentina
uh
te amo, CBSé.
Mm.
- OK.
I have to stop you right now.
Why?
What's wrong?
This is getting very
perverted and crazy and weird.
Well, I'm just saying
you're going to play this
for the good people
at CBSé maté.
Yes
They're going to
lose their shit!
They're going to
go crazy for this.
It lasted, like,
five minutes.
So what?
Um, we're on a break
right now, are we?
- Yes.
- OK.
I just want to say no, you
there's no air conditioning
in here.
- No.
- OK.
It's very hot.
Yes.
Let me ask you quickly.
Who is that over there?
Is that the
the young woman?
- That's my sister, Carolina.
- OK.
- How are you?
- I'm very good.
It's hot in here.
So for our final segment,
let's jump into
an Argentinian song
from a great musician,
Gustavo Cerati.
- Oh, I love Gustavos.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, he's fantastic.
- Oh, wow.
He's he's absolutely awesome.
- Yeah, he's great.
I just listen to him non-stop.
So let's listen to
more Gustavo Cerati
with "Otra Piel" from my
favorite album, "Ahí Vamos."
Oh, I love this one.
This is good.
Ah, great.
There's a great song
on the side two.
- Yes.
- [speaking Spanish]
[chuckles]
[singing in Spanish]
You know that song, right?
- Ah, yes.
- And where are the vegetables?
We all ask that question.
Yeah.
- Can I say something?
- Yes.
Yesterday I asked my brother
if he was nervous about this.
He said to me,
"No, it's like talking
to a dear, old friend."
- Oh, that's nice.
- Yes, that was very nice.
And I hope I'm embarrassing
you right now.
That's good.
That's really sweet.
Well, it didn't work
because I was really nervous.
No, but we are friends.
We're friends.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- You're my amigo.
- Exactly.
And you're my amiga.
Yes.
See?
How I changed the
the gender there?
No trip to Buenos Aires
would be complete
without a lesson in
its native dance, the tango.
Cassandra,
the tango is Argentina, yes?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- [laughs]
- Yeah.
Some people say
the great thing about tango
is there's no speaking.
Mm, the body language.
The body does the language.
Exactly.
- This is Mario.
- Sí.
Mario is the owner
of this tango school.
Why don't the both of you
show me real tango?
I will watch.
La música, por favor!
[band playing tango music]
♪
Forward, right, left.
- Uh-huh.
- Feet together.
- I see.
- Left.
- Left.
- Open, close.
Yes.
- Yes. Sí.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I think I'll get that.
Back to the part
where people's bodies
are pushed up
against their bodies,
where bodies are touching.
That's the part
that fascinates me.
- Ah, sí.
- I mean, this, this, this.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- This.
[laughter]
[yawns] I want to see
I want to get in there!
- Oh, my God.
I want to get
this thing going.
You know what I mean?
I like when the legs are
all wrapped around.
I don't really care
if it's a guy or a girl
or a guy and a girl.
Doesn't matter to me.
So I don't look at you?
I just look into the camera?
[Cassandra and Mario chuckle]
Into the distance.
And I see the future
of our love.
- Oh, my God.
- Maybe a child.
[imitates baby crying]
- Oh, my God.
Wah, wah.
And then he grows up.
[mumbling]
[laughter]
Then I say, "Get out of here!
I'm doing the best I can!"
Sorry.
[Cassandra chuckles]
I do have a friend who says
he knows a lot about tango.
Jordan?
- Buenas tardes.
- Oh, hello. Buenas tardes.
Yeah. I want us to get
a little closer here,
even though I hate you.
- OK.
I have spent many nights in
the milongas of Buenos Aires,
surrounded by the passionate
Latin rhythms
of the Argentine "tahn-go."
Tango.
- "Tahn-go."
- Tell us.
How do you say it?
- "Tan-go."
- Tan ah
- That's what I just said.
That's not what
you're saying!
That is exactly what I said.
[Conan groans angrily]
I'm gonna to oh, man.
If they weren't cameras here,
I'd kill you.
And then kiss your corpse.
- Oh, my God.
OK.
That was I don't even
know what that was.
It's hot, it's humid.
I think, clearly,
there's some passion here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you in
[laughs] OK.
Sorry, but [laughs]
Sorry.
[Cassandra laughs]
[Mario chuckles]
Sorry. [chuckles]
Are you in any danger
of falling in love with me
during this dance?
Be honest.
Mm
yeah.
[chuckles]
[laughter]
[suspenseful drum roll]
[heels clacking]
[tango music playing]
♪
[applause]
[gentle guitar music]
Hey, Conan.
My name's Cammy.
I'm calling from Buenos Aires,
Argentina.
Hey, Cammy. I'm told
you need dating advice.
Are you dating?
I date men.
Only men, only older.
How much older than you
do these men have to be?
Oh, as much as they can
and it's not creepy.
What's creepy?
Is 60 seem creepy to you?
- A bit, yes.
- OK.
[laughter]
- You're exactly 60.
[groans angrily]
I'm exactly 60.
When you meet a guy, do you
tell him you're a fan of mine?
I I don't want to
I don't want to hurt your
feelings.
But they might not even
know who you are.
Lies!
And they don't
know Conan O'Brien.
They don't know the love
of my life, Larry David.
The love of your life!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
He's 76.
Yeah, but he's Larry David, dude.
[Sona laughs]
- Whoa!
Oh, oh,
so Conan O'Brien's a creep
because he just turned 60
- No.
And you see Larry David
as a potential lover?
[slow tango music]
[dog barking]
♪
Cammy, come here.
Cómo está?
Mwah.
Please have a seat.
I want to talk to you
for a little bit.
Cammy,
you're looking for someone
who's middle-aged, yes?
- Mm-hmm.
- Good sense of humor.
Now, I proposed,
as a hypothetical,
because, as we both know,
I'm married.
This is hypothetical.
What about someone like me?
And you said,
"No, Conan. You're too old."
But then you say Larry David.
He's
You're my idol,
he's my crush.
- OK.
- It's different.
Every man wants
to be a woman's crush.
That's what we all want.
And people go, "Mm,
I idolize him, but no crush."
No.
My crush is someone who's at
least 20 years older than him!
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
The winds tend to pick up
when I get angry.
Yeah.
And I got the
did you get also get
- Dust doesn't come near me.
- Dust in your face?
- I'm a celebrity.
- Oh, you're right.
My dream was to get
Larry David to come down here.
But, of course,
that's ridiculous.
He's not going to come
down here to Argentina.
But I got the next best thing.
His name is Pablo, and he's
a Larry David lookalike.
Bring him in here.
♪
Larry, good to see you.
Give me, uh give me,
"Pretty good, pretty good."
[Argentinean accent]
Pretty good.
Pretty, pretty good.
Try it again.
[imitates Larry David]
Pretty, pretty good.
[imitating Larry David]
Pretty, pretty good.
Yes.
She has a huge crush on you.
This is Larry.
And she's I got to admit.
I told you she was pretty.
She's pretty
Pretty good.
No, no.
Pretty
pretty good.
- Pretty good.
Twice in a row.
Pretty
Pretty.
Pret pretty
Pretty
- Pretty, pretty good.
- Pretty good.
- Pretty good.
- Pretty good.
Conan, let's just date.
Let's leave Larry David
out of this.
You were right
from the beginning.
Thank you.
["Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme]
♪
Spend a few days in Argentina,
and you'll soon learn
their number one passion
is football,
so I decided
to join a practice
with the Pope's favorite team,
San Lorenzo de Almagro.
I am standing with
some of the best soccer players
in the world.
These are incredible,
incredible athletes,
amazing football players
not soccer, football.
And you are the captain
of a team.
El capitan, sí? El jefe.
- Sí.
Now give me some drills
to do for the
[all clamoring in Spanish]
You can do
[Conan grunts]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[whistling]
[speaking Spanish]
Get on top of me.
[Conan grunting]
Yes! Yes!
- Amazing!
- Yes!
[panting] OK.
OK.
[laughs]
- OK, no.
- Yeah.
I'll get it. Trust me.
I'll get it.
[panting]
Oh, sorry.
[energetic music]
♪
♪
[all groan]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[speaking Spanish]
So show me.
How
Find the middle
and choose one side.
♪
all: Ah.
all: Oh!
[Conan panting]
- Yeah!
- Ah.
OK.
Perito, one of the keys
to winning a game
is being able to draw a foul.
It's take some acting, and I
want to see how you guys do it
'cause I think
we can improve it, OK?
Action!
[crowd cheering]
[crowd exclaiming]
Oh!
Oh, look, he's hurt!
No, no, no.
No lo toqué.
Let's I'm going to look
at the replay right now.
[laughter]
No, foul.
This is a
- Crazy!
- It's crazy!
- Ah!
- He's crazy.
- Crazy.
Should I try it?
I want to try.
[laughter]
players: Hey!
[Conan shouting]
[crowd clamoring]
[Conan sobs]
[speaks Spanish]
[cheers and applause]
Guys, what did you
think about what I did?
- Nice.
- Good.
It can be it can be better.
players: Hey!
Hey!
- Whoa!
- Hey!
Hey!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey.
No!
[sobs]
[Conan screaming]
Ah!
- Hey, hey.
[players clamoring]
[laughter]
- Hey.
- Conan!
Conan, no!
[all shouting]
- No.
- Conan.
Is he dead?
No!
[whistle blows]
[players speaking Spanish]
[cheers and applause]
[somber orchestral music]
♪
After fake-recovering
from my fake death,
I headed out to visit
real Argentinian cowboys,
known as gauchos.
[horse neighs]
Well, here I am,
out on Las Pampas.
Juan Pablo.
You are a gaucho.
Mucho. Yes.
I like to help here
on Las Pampas.
Perfecto.
Señor, have you been
a gaucho your entire life?
[speaking Spanish]
Sí.
'Cause I suspect you were
a telenovela actor
about two years ago.
And they hired you 'cause
they knew I was coming.
[speaking Spanish]
Mm-hmm.
They call you Chuckles,
don't they?
Yeah.
If I had an audience
filled with guys like you,
I'd have shot myself
a long time ago.
[speaking Spanish]
You don't have to
tell him everything.
[laughs]
I must become a gaucho.
It is my destiny
to be a gaucho.
[dramatic Western music]
♪
[horse snorts]
[speaking Spanish]
[whip cracks]
♪
[energetic Western music]
[whip cracks]
Soy el gaucho.
♪
Soy el gaucho!
♪
Eso!
[cows mooing]
♪
It's a great tradition
of the Pampas
for the gauchos,
after a hard day's work,
to gather around a campfire
and sing their tales of woe.
Usually it happens at night.
It's about 2:00
in the afternoon.
I want to do it now
'cause I got to get back
to Buenos Aires.
We're staying
in a killer hotel.
- Yeah.
- It has a spa.
[guitar playing]
[singing in Spanish]
And I had a dad, mi padre ♪
Es un scientist ♪
He went to work a lot ♪
I don't often think
he had work to do ♪
But there were
a lot of kids ♪
And my mother could
really be a handful ♪
So I think he went to work
to get away! ♪
But these are problems
every gaucho must deal with ♪
I'm getting kind of hungry ♪
And I want
to go to my hotel ♪
In Buenos Aires where
they have this crazy spa ♪
You can get a facial ♪
They use that
really good clay ♪
It cleans the pores ♪
And then you get a mimosa ♪
Oh!
Pero [chuckles]
well, you know the deal,
the way of Las Pampas.
Yes.
This man doesn't
understand who I am ♪
Or what the fuck
I'm talking about ♪
[guitar chord rings out]
I have an amigo, a friend,
who says he knows
all about gauchos.
- Hola, muchachos.
- [speaking Spanish]
Mucho gusto.
What does being a gaucho
mean to you, Jordan?
Well, today we're
joining a proud tradition
of Latin American horsemen.
Now, whether
it's an Argentine gaucho
or a Chilean huaso
or even a North American
vaquero,
where we get the
word "buckaroo,"
by the way, in English,
this is important because
this is a shared obstacle
that we are all
facing together.
What is it you're
talking about?
We're going to work the land,
la tierra.
Excuse me. I don't think
they live off la tierra.
He was at a Denny's
an hour ago.
He had
Pay no attention
to the modern representations
of our world.
In my mind, we are in maybe
the mid-1800s en Las Pampas.
And we're five men.
And we are going to bond
[laughs]
- What's your problem?
What is it?
What's wrong with
why are you laughing?
You've got a melted mushroom
on your head.
And you look like, uh,
Super Mario having
a nervous breakdown.
What's happening?
[Jordan laughs]
Are you OK?
Are you all right?
- Yes.
We're going to bond
[laughs]
Oh, my God. Look at his eyes.
Look at the eyebrows.
Los ojos.
Los ojos loco.
- Sí.
- Loco, see?
He's insane.
What I'm saying is
today we live
with the animals
[laughs]
Good God!
Pull yourself together, man.
You guys don't
live off the land.
You go to restaurantes, sí?
Restaurante?
- Sí.
Sí, all the time.
You go to McDonald's?
- Sí.
- He goes to McDonald's!
You liked "Barbie," right?
- Sí.
- Yeah, yeah, sí, yeah.
Never mind.
What I'm saying is we're going
to be amongst the animals.
We're going to be
[laughs]
- OK.
What is your problem,
you madman?
I'm enjoying myself because
here we're in a poetic moment.
I'm thinking about the, uh,
[laughing] Cows roaming free
on the plains.
They're called the pampas.
Pampas!
Yes, I know.
I'm speaking English.
- But do you understand?
- Yes. Yes, I understand.
You may assume I'm uninitiated
because, of course,
I'm a foreigner.
But in fact,
I've crossed great distances
of Patagonian steppe.
And I've witnessed the gauchos
on the land.
And, you know, a lot
of people think Ushuaia
is pronounced "Ush-wa-ya."
They think it's a Spanish word.
[dog barking]
But, of course, the Ushuaia
is actually a native word.
And it goes back, of course,
before the time
Good God.
That's a terrible dummy.
Anyway,
now it was time
to unveil my gift
to the people of Argentina.
[grand orchestral music]
♪
[softly]
Oh, my God.
♪
This is crazy.
- Maxi.
- Oh, Conan.
- This is insane.
- Nice to meet you.
Huh? We did it.
[laughter]
We did it!
[laughter]
We did it!
Yes!
♪
You look fat there.
- Yeah.
- You know, the
I'm noticing that.
They made me look fat.
- Yes.
[laughter]
[gentle guitar music]
After defacing
public property,
I knew it was time
to head home.
And I'll never forget my fans
Sebastian, Cammy, and Matías.
And I was honored to help
them soar to new heights.
[bell rings]
And to my many other amigos
in Argentina
Pretty good.
Pretty, pretty good.
["Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme]
Pretty, pretty good.
Pretty, pretty
♪
[upbeat accordion music]
♪
This is deranged.
Earth, a cradle
for unimaginable beauty
and staggering wonder.
Incomprehensible,
overwhelming,
this planet mocks our
feeble power to describe it.
Yes, to truly appreciate
the astounding grandeur
of this planet,
sometimes, you must defile it.
Behold, the defiler.
[slow dramatic opera music]
His character is vile,
base, and depraved.
Once a proud talk show host,
he's been driven
by a changing ecosystem
to a drier
and harsher climate,
the weekly podcast.
Here, without the nourishment
of his studio audience,
this clown with dull,
tiny eyes,
the eyes
of a crudely painted doll,
is forced to feed
on that meagerest of morsels,
the random call-in fan.
Unhinged by the feral scent
of their mild enthusiasm,
he scavenges in distant lands,
uninvited,
fueled by a bottomless hunger
for recognition
and the occasional selfie.
[heroic orchestral music]
♪
This is madness.
This is lunacy.
This is chaos.
♪
This is
"Conan O'Brien Must Go."
♪
[suspenseful music]
♪
[tense musical echo]
Hi, Conan.
My name is Sebastian.
I'm calling
from Buenos Aires, Argentina.
Tell me a little bit
about yourself, Sebastian.
I'm an artist,
a painter, illustrator.
And these are my
some of my paintings.
Oh, my God.
You're really
you're really good.
- Amazing.
- Those are terrific.
I'm curious.
Would you ever paint me?
Oh, yeah.
You are very handsome.
- Oh, that's see?
- Thank you.
There you go.
And what have you
noticed about me
that stands out in a portrait?
You have, like, a chin
like a tomato soup chin,
you know?
- [laughs]
- Wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
I have a tomato soup can chin?
The Campbell
the Campbell soup, you know?
I don't care what
type of soup it is.
[laughter]
[gentle guitar music]
♪
[doorbell buzzes]
Wow.
Hey, hey, my friend.
How are you?
- What are you doing here, man?
- Nice to see you. How are you?
You're as handsome
in person as you are
You too, man.
You too, man.
- Eh, you like that chin?
- You are taller.
You are taller.
- Yeah, I'm much taller, yeah.
Nice to see you.
- This is Bruno, one of my
- Hey, Bruno.
How are you?
Bruno.
- Santiago.
- Santiago.
Santiago, Bruno,
nice to see you.
Um, and must embrace the way
people do in this country,
which is I'm supposed
to kiss you, right?
- Yeah.
- OK.
both: Mwah.
Now, I won't kiss boys.
That won't happen.
- Yeah.
And I won't get caught again.
That's not happening again.
- [laughs]
OK? [chuckles]
That's
- You already did that?
That's AI.
That's a fake tape.
[Sebastian laughs]
Um, listen,
just a joke, kids.
You like that kind
of joking around, don't you?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Isn't it funny?
Ha-ha-ha.
It's a funny area.
Your father is a great artist.
And I would like to see some
of your artwork in person.
- OK.
- Is that possible?
Yes.
The studio is upstairs.
I'm like "Ra-poon-zel."
- You're like what?
- "Ra-poon-zell."
- Rapunzel.
- Rapunzel.
You're in Argentina.
No, no, I'm sorry.
I don't care.
- Princess with the long hair.
- Uh, yes, yes.
Oh, I know who it is.
[groans] I know who it is.
[laughter]
It's Rapunzel, though.
We say Rapunzel.
We don't say
- He's not a princess.
No, uh OK, listen, you two.
I want you to go to bed.
Here's my studio.
This is tiny.
This is a very small space.
It's only one person studio.
Why don't you paint out here?
Here, it's very hot
with the sun.
- Yeah.
- The sun is like
Yeah, the sun is in the sky, yes.
It's not in the sky.
What's that?
It's not in the sky.
The sun is not in the sky?
It's in the space.
It's in space?
Do you ever throw him
off the building?
- I try.
- You can throw him?
- But he come back.
- OK.
Oh, this guy looks
like a lot of
there's a guy there
scowling at us.
You know who that is?
He keeps looking up at us.
- Yeah.
Hola! Cómo está?
OK. Look
- OK.
Now, you have a lot
of friends, right?
Of course.
Now, you, kind of loner.
- No.
- No. You're right?
Yes.
You're
keep to yourself, right?
Just you and your little
experiments, right?
You kill mice for fun?
- [chuckles]
- Right?
Does he does he
are there a lot
of dead animals in
the neighborhood,
and this guy is killing them?
- He has his friends.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I have a dog.
- Yeah, you have a dog.
Well, he's not
going to last long.
[laughter]
- With him? No.
Yeah. OK, listen, I'm just
giving you a hard time.
I'm kidding around with you.
- OK.
- OK?
- He wants to be famous.
You want to be famous?
I am famous right now.
Yeah, well, once the
body count gets up,
you'll be well-known.
[laughter]
You know,
you got to beat Bundy.
He had, like, 48.
You'll get there.
- [chuckles]
- God, look at him grinning.
Yeah.
He's like, "Mm, I'm at 44."
Hey, and cats don't count.
Don't jump off that thing.
You'll be killed.
What's wrong with you guys?
- Let me
What's that?
I'm going to push?
Oh, never tell people
about your crimes.
That's for later on when
they come and interview you
in the jail cell.
Um, you've done a terrible job.
- Thank you.
There are the worst children
I've ever talked to.
OK, I brought
Sebastian in here,
away from those devil children
'cause I want to pitch him
an idea.
Sebastian, you agreed
to do a painting of me.
I'm wondering maybe
I should be with two other
famous Argentinians.
Maybe if I'm with Messi
in the painting
and I'm with the Pope
- Oh, nice.
It's the three of us.
And I have my
OK, yeah.
Maybe I have
my arms around them.
And maybe we give it a title.
OK.
"The Sacred Sons
of Argentina."
You're one of them?
I have to say,
I'm very impressed.
It's been half an hour, tops.
And this is what Sebastian
has come up with.
That looks fantastic.
- Thank you.
You are very talented, seriously.
Thank you.
Could this be a mural?
Well
Where people can see it.
What if we do, like
I do a painting.
Mm-hmm.
And then inspiring
that painting, we do a mural.
Sure.
You have someone who can
help us make this a mural?
- Yes, one of the best.
- OK.
We are like the Avengers
of paintings.
Oh, yeah. Which one are you?
You Iron Man?
No, I'm, uh
uh, the girl.
Oh.
I don't know what the name.
Black Widow.
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know the Avengers.
[laughs]
So you reference
the Avengers, but you don't
- Yeah, but I don't know them.
- You don't know any of them.
Thor, Thor is Avenger.
Sure.
Yeah.
Superman, no.
No, you're crossing Marvel
and DC.
- Oh, sorry.
- That would get you
in America,
they would shoot you for that.
- Sorry.
- Fantastic.
This will be a mural.
- OK.
Whenever I visit
a new country,
I like to learn
the local customs,
so I can ignore them.
We are in downtown
Buenos Aires.
Is that right?
- Yes.
And this is Martina.
Martina has agreed to help me.
You're a translator.
- Yeah.
I want to make sure that
I understand all I need to know
about being in Argentina.
Well, people here
are super friendly.
Super friendly, that's good
because I'm friendly, too.
People generally
kiss each other, for example,
when they say hello.
You can just say hello like,
"Hello, Conan."
- Hello. Mwah.
OK, so be quick.
- And that's it.
I'm gonna show
you how quick it is.
Look, look.
- Like that.
- Mwah.
- Done.
OK.
So it's like a pretend kiss.
It's like a mmm.
Like
Yes, but you actually,
like, touch each other.
You can actually,
like, do like this.
[chuckles]
You're making it so weird.
But, yeah.
- That's what I do.
That's what you do.
That is my gift from God.
From God.
What are some insults that
I can use that are very, like
people can tell, "Oh,
he's really from Buenos Aires"?
- So we use a lot, boludo.
- Boludo.
Yes.
So it's like, "Qué boludo."
Qué boludo.
What does that mean?
You know, like,
such an idiot, you know, like
- Qué boludo.
- Qué boludo.
Pretend you're very mad
at me right now.
I was very late to meet you
for this coffee.
Hola.
Cómo está?
Conan.
So boludo.
[speaking Spanish]
Have you checked the time?
Uh, we must kiss first.
[chuckling] Oh, my God.
[Conan smooches]
OK.
It's OK.
Just stay there.
Stay here?
What is the attitude about
Americans here, in general?
It depends on the American.
So sometimes
not all of you,
but some of you are
very loud
- Abogado!
- [screams]
Taking a lot of, like,
space
This is tiny.
And, uh, being a bit rude.
- You've done a terrible job.
- Thank you.
These are the worst
children I've ever talked to.
We're not all that way.
I don't know
if this is for the show,
but we had the
worst dictatorships
because of the support
of the American government,
not the people.
That's true in many countries
too, also.
Mm-hmm, yes,
especially in Latin America.
Many Latin American
countries, that's true.
And you're right.
This won't make it
into the show.
But sorry. I will just
- No, no, no. No.
- Stop talking about politics.
No, not because it's not true
but because, you know,
we try to do
make things funny.
Yes, like, fun and
And I've always tried
to make it funny
that America's imperialist past
has ruined countless
[chuckling] Yeah.
Huge continents
all around it.
I mean, my God, our track
record is pretty abysmal.
But then again,
so are most superpowers.
I mean, look what England did.
But again, this isn't going
to make it into the show
because it's not light.
- Oh, yes.
You know,
it's not light and fun.
Uh-huh.
But America, England,
look what the Spanish did.
I mean, my God, Spain,
colonial Spain, just terrible.
I mean, what country
that achieved power
didn't then misuse it
and cause a lot of misery
around the world?
America is just one
in a long list.
Well, this is the kind
of comedy I'm doing now.
You can send
my Peabody Award
[soft dramatic music]
To 505 Wilshire Boulevard.
OK?
That's Los Angeles, California.
I was just
thinking other things
that are annoying
by the Americans
when you come here sometimes.
Oh, that's nice.
Let's hear more about that.
What a great date this is.
[chuckling] Yes, this is.
And what happens
when I leave?
Do we kiss goodbye?
- Oh, so we say ciao.
Ciao.
So you have to kiss everyone
when you leave a room.
- Wait.
- Even if you don't know them
Every time you leave a room,
you have to kiss everyone?
Even if you don't know them,
you kiss them.
What if you're dismissed
from a jury?
Do you get up, and you, like,
kiss everyone in the jury?
[laughs]
If you are good friends, yeah.
Juror number seven,
you're dismissed.
Well, I'm so sorry,
Your Honor.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Give me a minute. Yeah.
[indistinct]
- Really? That's crazy.
- It's insane.
Oh.
Ciao.
- Ciao.
- Ciao.
- That was so weird.
- Ciao.
Ciao.
Ciao!
onlookers: Ciao.
- Ciao.
[gentle guitar music]
Sorry.
[chuckles awkwardly]
[Conan smooches]
- Only one.
- Ciao.
[Conan smooches]
- [speaking Spanish]
- Oh, just one time.
- Right.
♪
[Coanan smooches]
[person chuckles]
No.
One time.
Did I get you all ready?
Yeah. [chuckles]
Mwah.
[Conan smooches]
I love you.
- Te amo. I love you.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, oh, kiss.
[chuckling] Oh.
[Coanan smooches]
♪
[Conan smooching]
♪
After making out
with all my new friends,
I decided to catch up
with an old one.
Of course, Argentina is famous
for meat and wine.
And I know someone
who claims to be
an expert on these matters,
so I brought him along.
Some of you may know him
as Jordan Schlansky.
Jordan.
- Yes.
Thank you for joining me.
- Thank you for having me.
- Yeah.
Jordan, you and I have traveled
to other countries together.
- Yes.
- We've been to Japan.
Sure.
Shinto is everywhere,
in us as well.
I think you're
full of Shinto.
The United States.
I take issue with the way
a lot of coffee bars
in the United States
prepare their espresso.
I would rather
watch this table spin
than listen to anything
you have to say.
Where else?
- Italy.
- Italy.
You want to be able to see
your finger through it.
Jordan,
see if you can see my finger.
But now we're here
in Argentina.
I asked
- Buenos Aires.
- Buenos Aires.
- Yeah.
You don't have to do that.
- Yes.
- Just say Buenos Aires.
I gesticulate sometimes
to punctuate
the word that I speak.
I gesticulate too, a lot more
when I was a teenager.
[indistinct chatter]
It's a masturbation joke.
I understand.
I think this is, uh, kind of
an Argentinian barbecue place.
Yes?
- You may call it barbecue.
It's a little bit ham-handed,
if you will.
But I call it asado.
I was trying to explain
to the viewer
that, OK,
this is like barbeque.
You can call it barbecue
if you like, sure.
No, I'm going to call
it the correct term.
This is asado.
- Yeah.
- We're having asado
- Yes.
- In Buenos Aires
- Yes.
[Spanish intonation]
With an asshole.
[normally]
Let's toast each other.
All right.
[glasses clink]
What were you doing
with your mouth?
You went
- I was tasting this wine.
And what do you think?
It's adequate for
this is perfectly suited
to this situation.
Hey, that's great.
Let's get the owner
of the restaurant over
and say, "Hey, thanks a lot.
This was adequate."
Should we do that?
You know, the magic
doesn't necessarily have to be
in the wine bottle.
The magic is between us,
two gauchos.
Oh, then we're fucked.
[Conan laughs]
Totally fucked.
Uh, mi nombre es Conan.
- Enrique.
- Enrique.
And Jor
- Yo soy Jordan.
Mucho gusto.
Tell us, uh
the meats, carnes, asada.
- Asada.
- Qué tipos
qué tipos de asada
tiene usted?
[speaking Spanish]
[Conan chuckles]
word that you just said.
Yeah.
Mm, very good.
Culturally
- Yeah.
How familiar are you
with the culture of Argentina?
- Well, I know
- We're here.
That regarding culture
of the Argentines,
I'm certainly no expert.
However, I will tell you
that I know that the passion
and intensity of tango is
flows through the blood
of the Argentine people.
It's on every street corner
that we encounter.
- Tango.
- "Tahn-go."
Tango.
It's pronounced "tahn-go."
Tango.
"Last Tango in Paris."
"Last 'Tahn-go' in Paris."
Or more accurately,
"Last 'Tahn-go' in 'Paree.'"
No one's ever said,
"I just saw that movie
that I don't understand.
"It's really freaking weird
with Marlon Brando
called
'Last 'Tahn-go' " in 'Paree.''"
No one's ever said that.
Not once.
But we just said it.
We just said it.
- Not once!
- No, once, right here.
We both said it.
That's twice.
What do you call "Jaws,"
"Ja-wuz"?
No, "Jaws."
That's an English word.
Yeah.
ET, "Eh-tuh."
Let's go watch "Star Wars."
[Conan grunts unintelligibly]
It's OK to say tango.
Well, the word is "tahn-go."
But you can say tango.
Now, you see,
this is a problem right here.
This is my biggest problem
with this place.
What?
This is purified water,
not spring water.
Do you know what
purified water is?
Who cares?
It's vapor-distilled,
which removes all
the dissolved solids, right?
So now it's
a completely pure water,
which one might think
is positive.
However, they realize this.
And after
they vapor-distilled this water
and removed
all dissolved solids,
they artificially
put minerals back in.
You know, things like
calcium and magnesium.
This is emulating spring water.
And my logic is
just get the spring water.
You know what?
You said exactly what
I was thinking.
God bless you.
I was thinking the same thing.
What's this?
No minerals?
No, it has minerals.
They're artificially added.
Uh, that's what I said.
Artificially-added minerals?
I don't get why you
can't follow this.
The minerals are removed
- That's what I said.
And they're put back in
artificially.
Remove them
and put them back in?
That's what I said.
Remove them, put them back in?
I just want spring water
that has the natural minerals.
- That's what I said.
- I'll accept from 150 TDS
I just want a spring water.
[mumbling] I don't want
it removed and put it back in.
I didn't want that.
- No.
That's what I said.
You just want the minerals
as they occur in nature.
I want the minerals
as they occur in nature.
Yeah.
Remove 'em
and put them back in?
Whether it's Evian
with 150 TDS
or Gerolsteiner
from Germany with 20
[heavy German accent]
It's Gerolsteiner!
No, it's Gerolsteiner.
[heavy German accent]
It's Gerolsteiner!
Gerolsteiner.
[Conan growls]
You know it's not
Frankenstein, right?
You know, it's
"Franken-schtein."
You know that, right?
[excitedly]
Look.
[voice echoing in glass]
Mmm.
[nasally]
Nice and cold.
Well, you see, you're dulling
the flavor of that wine
like you're trying to dull
your own childhood pain
with that meat.
I don't mind your shenanigans
with the asado.
But I really liked that.
And I don't want your
disgusting slobber on it.
I know I did talk a lot about
sharing in Argentine culture.
Yeah, but this is barbaric.
[pouting] I'm sorry.
And I just wanted
the entraña.
And I knew out of all
the five meats we have,
you have to pick that one up
and decide to be funny.
So you're admitting
this is funny?
[Conan laughs]
I win.
[growls]
[indistinct chatter]
Look, I'm Nixon.
[jowly growling]
No one knows that reference
anymore.
This is a real
Argentine parilla.
Now, you're talking
about coal
- Coal.
- And wood.
Why the angle, do you think,
Jordan?
Well, you have to understand
the principles
of thermodynamics.
Now, you understand
- I don't.
So let's just skip it.
OK.
[speaking Spanish badly]
You say tango or "tahn-go"?
Tango.
- Tango, right?
- Sí, tango.
- Tango?
- Tango, tango.
- Tango?
- Tango.
- Tango.
- Tango.
Tango! They don't say
"tahn-go," you idiot!
It's "tahn-go."
It's not "tahn-go"!
These people live here!
Anyhoo, we learned that
it's tango, not "tahn-go."
And that I know about meat
because I have
the ultimate respect
for what they do here.
[patriotic music playing]
[low-pitched jowly growling]
♪
Jordan might not
be a fan of mine,
but luckily, this guy is.
Hello, Conan.
This is Matías, and I'm
calling from Argentina.
Tell us a little bit
about yourself, Matías.
I've just started the 11th
season of our radio program.
Tell us about
your radio show.
That's exciting.
It's been going on 11 seasons?
Well, the problem is that
nobody listens to us.
But otherwise,
it's going great.
When you say nobody
[laughter]
when you say nobody listens,
give me an actual figure
of how many people listen
to the radio show.
About, uh, four.
- Oh.
- Maybe three.
Jesus Christ.
- [laughing] Oh.
- We might
Here's what
I can promise you, Matías,
is that you currently
have four listeners
that you're related to.
Yes.
I can improve
your listenership.
[gentle guitar music]
♪
Hola.
- Hola, Conan.
- Hey. [chuckles]
- What's up?
Matías.
- How are you?
- Cómo está? How are you?
You have a radio show.
And you only have
about four listeners?
Yes.
In a good day, five.
On this radio station,
what's the highest rated show?
How many people listen?
I think it's
Camino Emprendedor and 130.
- They have 130 people?
- Yeah.
So that's the show
we need to take down.
- Exactly.
- Who hosts that show?
I don't know.
Well,
you've done your research.
You don't know?
I don't know my enemy, no.
Well, I'm here to give you
some ambition, OK?
- OK.
- I want to get the numbers up.
And I want you to
believe in yourself.
Right.
First of all,
we'll start with your posture.
I mean, up straight, let's go.
Yes.
And do this occasionally.
Look around and say, "Hmm."
Hmm.
There are horizons
to conquer.
There are
horizons to conquer.
Yeah, this is the kind
of stuff you want to do.
Who's on the t-shirt?
Uh, this is Cosmo and Wanda
from "The Fairly OddParents."
OK.
You can't be wearing these.
You have a Powerpuff Girl
t-shirt?
Uh, actually, I kind of
have a plushy
of the Powerpuff Girls.
Yeah.
[laughter]
You you sick freak.
[laughs]
What are you doing
to these plushies?
No, no, they are decoration.
Well, they start
as decorations.
Then later on, you're
washing them twice a day.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Well, I'm sorry.
This has got to go.
- OK.
I want to see a new Matías.
Is this, like, going to
be like a makeover episode?
No, I don't know
how to do that.
No.
- Oh.
[crew laughing]
- I don't no, not really.
I mean, just lose the goddamn
t-shirt, and we're fine. OK?
[chuckling] OK.
Today I'm going to co-host
the show with you.
- Yes.
- Now, I am a businessman.
I didn't get where I am
just doing things for free.
Will I be paid?
Um
no.
[crew laughing]
The whole inflection
was there's more.
But then you said nothing more.
Well, um, so no.
Period.
[crew laughing]
It's funny.
I usually don't get nervous.
I'm nervous.
Eight, seven, six
oh, man, Argentina,
I hope you're ready.
Well, hello. Welcome
to Noticias Decafeinadas.
And as you can see,
I'm speaking
in English, which is unusual.
And that's because
we have a special guest here,
Conan O'Brien.
Hello.
Very nice to see you, Matías.
How are we making money here?
Uh,
we're actually losing money.
[Conan sighs]
[Mathías chuckles]
Historically,
we have always lost money.
Well, I think we should
start making money.
And do you have any ideas
about how to make money
with this?
Well, every now and then,
you can do a free ad.
And they hear it.
And they go,
"Wow, that's a good ad."
And then you say, "Well,
if you want another one,
you have to pay,"
and then they pay.
Um, well, we could, um,
sell maté, for example.
Yam, our operator,
has maté right now.
Well, who's the maker of
the maté that everyone likes?
- CBSé.
- CBSé?
I'm being brought some
right now.
I, Conan O'Brien,
am now going to have some maté,
but not just any maté!
CBSé.
And now for that delicious sip.
[slurping] Mmm.
[gulps] Delicious.
Now you say, "Conan,
what are you drinking?"
Conan, what what
are you drinking?
Try it again.
Come on.
Conan, what are you drinking?
You don't even
sound interested.
Say, "Hey, Conan.
What'cha drinking?"
Hey, Conan,
what's your thinking?
Ah.
OK, you're a disaster.
This is
Say, "Conan,
what's that you have there?"
Conan, what's that you
what's that you have there?
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my God.
Just say, hi
- Probably that part
- Just say just say this.
Say, "Hi, Conan."
- Hi, Conan.
Ah, I'm glad you asked me
what I'm drinking.
[laughter]
This is maté!
CBSé.
La gente de Argentina
uh
te amo, CBSé.
Mm.
- OK.
I have to stop you right now.
Why?
What's wrong?
This is getting very
perverted and crazy and weird.
Well, I'm just saying
you're going to play this
for the good people
at CBSé maté.
Yes
They're going to
lose their shit!
They're going to
go crazy for this.
It lasted, like,
five minutes.
So what?
Um, we're on a break
right now, are we?
- Yes.
- OK.
I just want to say no, you
there's no air conditioning
in here.
- No.
- OK.
It's very hot.
Yes.
Let me ask you quickly.
Who is that over there?
Is that the
the young woman?
- That's my sister, Carolina.
- OK.
- How are you?
- I'm very good.
It's hot in here.
So for our final segment,
let's jump into
an Argentinian song
from a great musician,
Gustavo Cerati.
- Oh, I love Gustavos.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, he's fantastic.
- Oh, wow.
He's he's absolutely awesome.
- Yeah, he's great.
I just listen to him non-stop.
So let's listen to
more Gustavo Cerati
with "Otra Piel" from my
favorite album, "Ahí Vamos."
Oh, I love this one.
This is good.
Ah, great.
There's a great song
on the side two.
- Yes.
- [speaking Spanish]
[chuckles]
[singing in Spanish]
You know that song, right?
- Ah, yes.
- And where are the vegetables?
We all ask that question.
Yeah.
- Can I say something?
- Yes.
Yesterday I asked my brother
if he was nervous about this.
He said to me,
"No, it's like talking
to a dear, old friend."
- Oh, that's nice.
- Yes, that was very nice.
And I hope I'm embarrassing
you right now.
That's good.
That's really sweet.
Well, it didn't work
because I was really nervous.
No, but we are friends.
We're friends.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- You're my amigo.
- Exactly.
And you're my amiga.
Yes.
See?
How I changed the
the gender there?
No trip to Buenos Aires
would be complete
without a lesson in
its native dance, the tango.
Cassandra,
the tango is Argentina, yes?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- [laughs]
- Yeah.
Some people say
the great thing about tango
is there's no speaking.
Mm, the body language.
The body does the language.
Exactly.
- This is Mario.
- Sí.
Mario is the owner
of this tango school.
Why don't the both of you
show me real tango?
I will watch.
La música, por favor!
[band playing tango music]
♪
Forward, right, left.
- Uh-huh.
- Feet together.
- I see.
- Left.
- Left.
- Open, close.
Yes.
- Yes. Sí.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I think I'll get that.
Back to the part
where people's bodies
are pushed up
against their bodies,
where bodies are touching.
That's the part
that fascinates me.
- Ah, sí.
- I mean, this, this, this.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- This.
[laughter]
[yawns] I want to see
I want to get in there!
- Oh, my God.
I want to get
this thing going.
You know what I mean?
I like when the legs are
all wrapped around.
I don't really care
if it's a guy or a girl
or a guy and a girl.
Doesn't matter to me.
So I don't look at you?
I just look into the camera?
[Cassandra and Mario chuckle]
Into the distance.
And I see the future
of our love.
- Oh, my God.
- Maybe a child.
[imitates baby crying]
- Oh, my God.
Wah, wah.
And then he grows up.
[mumbling]
[laughter]
Then I say, "Get out of here!
I'm doing the best I can!"
Sorry.
[Cassandra chuckles]
I do have a friend who says
he knows a lot about tango.
Jordan?
- Buenas tardes.
- Oh, hello. Buenas tardes.
Yeah. I want us to get
a little closer here,
even though I hate you.
- OK.
I have spent many nights in
the milongas of Buenos Aires,
surrounded by the passionate
Latin rhythms
of the Argentine "tahn-go."
Tango.
- "Tahn-go."
- Tell us.
How do you say it?
- "Tan-go."
- Tan ah
- That's what I just said.
That's not what
you're saying!
That is exactly what I said.
[Conan groans angrily]
I'm gonna to oh, man.
If they weren't cameras here,
I'd kill you.
And then kiss your corpse.
- Oh, my God.
OK.
That was I don't even
know what that was.
It's hot, it's humid.
I think, clearly,
there's some passion here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you in
[laughs] OK.
Sorry, but [laughs]
Sorry.
[Cassandra laughs]
[Mario chuckles]
Sorry. [chuckles]
Are you in any danger
of falling in love with me
during this dance?
Be honest.
Mm
yeah.
[chuckles]
[laughter]
[suspenseful drum roll]
[heels clacking]
[tango music playing]
♪
[applause]
[gentle guitar music]
Hey, Conan.
My name's Cammy.
I'm calling from Buenos Aires,
Argentina.
Hey, Cammy. I'm told
you need dating advice.
Are you dating?
I date men.
Only men, only older.
How much older than you
do these men have to be?
Oh, as much as they can
and it's not creepy.
What's creepy?
Is 60 seem creepy to you?
- A bit, yes.
- OK.
[laughter]
- You're exactly 60.
[groans angrily]
I'm exactly 60.
When you meet a guy, do you
tell him you're a fan of mine?
I I don't want to
I don't want to hurt your
feelings.
But they might not even
know who you are.
Lies!
And they don't
know Conan O'Brien.
They don't know the love
of my life, Larry David.
The love of your life!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
He's 76.
Yeah, but he's Larry David, dude.
[Sona laughs]
- Whoa!
Oh, oh,
so Conan O'Brien's a creep
because he just turned 60
- No.
And you see Larry David
as a potential lover?
[slow tango music]
[dog barking]
♪
Cammy, come here.
Cómo está?
Mwah.
Please have a seat.
I want to talk to you
for a little bit.
Cammy,
you're looking for someone
who's middle-aged, yes?
- Mm-hmm.
- Good sense of humor.
Now, I proposed,
as a hypothetical,
because, as we both know,
I'm married.
This is hypothetical.
What about someone like me?
And you said,
"No, Conan. You're too old."
But then you say Larry David.
He's
You're my idol,
he's my crush.
- OK.
- It's different.
Every man wants
to be a woman's crush.
That's what we all want.
And people go, "Mm,
I idolize him, but no crush."
No.
My crush is someone who's at
least 20 years older than him!
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
The winds tend to pick up
when I get angry.
Yeah.
And I got the
did you get also get
- Dust doesn't come near me.
- Dust in your face?
- I'm a celebrity.
- Oh, you're right.
My dream was to get
Larry David to come down here.
But, of course,
that's ridiculous.
He's not going to come
down here to Argentina.
But I got the next best thing.
His name is Pablo, and he's
a Larry David lookalike.
Bring him in here.
♪
Larry, good to see you.
Give me, uh give me,
"Pretty good, pretty good."
[Argentinean accent]
Pretty good.
Pretty, pretty good.
Try it again.
[imitates Larry David]
Pretty, pretty good.
[imitating Larry David]
Pretty, pretty good.
Yes.
She has a huge crush on you.
This is Larry.
And she's I got to admit.
I told you she was pretty.
She's pretty
Pretty good.
No, no.
Pretty
pretty good.
- Pretty good.
Twice in a row.
Pretty
Pretty.
Pret pretty
Pretty
- Pretty, pretty good.
- Pretty good.
- Pretty good.
- Pretty good.
Conan, let's just date.
Let's leave Larry David
out of this.
You were right
from the beginning.
Thank you.
["Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme]
♪
Spend a few days in Argentina,
and you'll soon learn
their number one passion
is football,
so I decided
to join a practice
with the Pope's favorite team,
San Lorenzo de Almagro.
I am standing with
some of the best soccer players
in the world.
These are incredible,
incredible athletes,
amazing football players
not soccer, football.
And you are the captain
of a team.
El capitan, sí? El jefe.
- Sí.
Now give me some drills
to do for the
[all clamoring in Spanish]
You can do
[Conan grunts]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[whistling]
[speaking Spanish]
Get on top of me.
[Conan grunting]
Yes! Yes!
- Amazing!
- Yes!
[panting] OK.
OK.
[laughs]
- OK, no.
- Yeah.
I'll get it. Trust me.
I'll get it.
[panting]
Oh, sorry.
[energetic music]
♪
♪
[all groan]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[speaking Spanish]
So show me.
How
Find the middle
and choose one side.
♪
all: Ah.
all: Oh!
[Conan panting]
- Yeah!
- Ah.
OK.
Perito, one of the keys
to winning a game
is being able to draw a foul.
It's take some acting, and I
want to see how you guys do it
'cause I think
we can improve it, OK?
Action!
[crowd cheering]
[crowd exclaiming]
Oh!
Oh, look, he's hurt!
No, no, no.
No lo toqué.
Let's I'm going to look
at the replay right now.
[laughter]
No, foul.
This is a
- Crazy!
- It's crazy!
- Ah!
- He's crazy.
- Crazy.
Should I try it?
I want to try.
[laughter]
players: Hey!
[Conan shouting]
[crowd clamoring]
[Conan sobs]
[speaks Spanish]
[cheers and applause]
Guys, what did you
think about what I did?
- Nice.
- Good.
It can be it can be better.
players: Hey!
Hey!
- Whoa!
- Hey!
Hey!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey.
No!
[sobs]
[Conan screaming]
Ah!
- Hey, hey.
[players clamoring]
[laughter]
- Hey.
- Conan!
Conan, no!
[all shouting]
- No.
- Conan.
Is he dead?
No!
[whistle blows]
[players speaking Spanish]
[cheers and applause]
[somber orchestral music]
♪
After fake-recovering
from my fake death,
I headed out to visit
real Argentinian cowboys,
known as gauchos.
[horse neighs]
Well, here I am,
out on Las Pampas.
Juan Pablo.
You are a gaucho.
Mucho. Yes.
I like to help here
on Las Pampas.
Perfecto.
Señor, have you been
a gaucho your entire life?
[speaking Spanish]
Sí.
'Cause I suspect you were
a telenovela actor
about two years ago.
And they hired you 'cause
they knew I was coming.
[speaking Spanish]
Mm-hmm.
They call you Chuckles,
don't they?
Yeah.
If I had an audience
filled with guys like you,
I'd have shot myself
a long time ago.
[speaking Spanish]
You don't have to
tell him everything.
[laughs]
I must become a gaucho.
It is my destiny
to be a gaucho.
[dramatic Western music]
♪
[horse snorts]
[speaking Spanish]
[whip cracks]
♪
[energetic Western music]
[whip cracks]
Soy el gaucho.
♪
Soy el gaucho!
♪
Eso!
[cows mooing]
♪
It's a great tradition
of the Pampas
for the gauchos,
after a hard day's work,
to gather around a campfire
and sing their tales of woe.
Usually it happens at night.
It's about 2:00
in the afternoon.
I want to do it now
'cause I got to get back
to Buenos Aires.
We're staying
in a killer hotel.
- Yeah.
- It has a spa.
[guitar playing]
[singing in Spanish]
And I had a dad, mi padre ♪
Es un scientist ♪
He went to work a lot ♪
I don't often think
he had work to do ♪
But there were
a lot of kids ♪
And my mother could
really be a handful ♪
So I think he went to work
to get away! ♪
But these are problems
every gaucho must deal with ♪
I'm getting kind of hungry ♪
And I want
to go to my hotel ♪
In Buenos Aires where
they have this crazy spa ♪
You can get a facial ♪
They use that
really good clay ♪
It cleans the pores ♪
And then you get a mimosa ♪
Oh!
Pero [chuckles]
well, you know the deal,
the way of Las Pampas.
Yes.
This man doesn't
understand who I am ♪
Or what the fuck
I'm talking about ♪
[guitar chord rings out]
I have an amigo, a friend,
who says he knows
all about gauchos.
- Hola, muchachos.
- [speaking Spanish]
Mucho gusto.
What does being a gaucho
mean to you, Jordan?
Well, today we're
joining a proud tradition
of Latin American horsemen.
Now, whether
it's an Argentine gaucho
or a Chilean huaso
or even a North American
vaquero,
where we get the
word "buckaroo,"
by the way, in English,
this is important because
this is a shared obstacle
that we are all
facing together.
What is it you're
talking about?
We're going to work the land,
la tierra.
Excuse me. I don't think
they live off la tierra.
He was at a Denny's
an hour ago.
He had
Pay no attention
to the modern representations
of our world.
In my mind, we are in maybe
the mid-1800s en Las Pampas.
And we're five men.
And we are going to bond
[laughs]
- What's your problem?
What is it?
What's wrong with
why are you laughing?
You've got a melted mushroom
on your head.
And you look like, uh,
Super Mario having
a nervous breakdown.
What's happening?
[Jordan laughs]
Are you OK?
Are you all right?
- Yes.
We're going to bond
[laughs]
Oh, my God. Look at his eyes.
Look at the eyebrows.
Los ojos.
Los ojos loco.
- Sí.
- Loco, see?
He's insane.
What I'm saying is
today we live
with the animals
[laughs]
Good God!
Pull yourself together, man.
You guys don't
live off the land.
You go to restaurantes, sí?
Restaurante?
- Sí.
Sí, all the time.
You go to McDonald's?
- Sí.
- He goes to McDonald's!
You liked "Barbie," right?
- Sí.
- Yeah, yeah, sí, yeah.
Never mind.
What I'm saying is we're going
to be amongst the animals.
We're going to be
[laughs]
- OK.
What is your problem,
you madman?
I'm enjoying myself because
here we're in a poetic moment.
I'm thinking about the, uh,
[laughing] Cows roaming free
on the plains.
They're called the pampas.
Pampas!
Yes, I know.
I'm speaking English.
- But do you understand?
- Yes. Yes, I understand.
You may assume I'm uninitiated
because, of course,
I'm a foreigner.
But in fact,
I've crossed great distances
of Patagonian steppe.
And I've witnessed the gauchos
on the land.
And, you know, a lot
of people think Ushuaia
is pronounced "Ush-wa-ya."
They think it's a Spanish word.
[dog barking]
But, of course, the Ushuaia
is actually a native word.
And it goes back, of course,
before the time
Good God.
That's a terrible dummy.
Anyway,
now it was time
to unveil my gift
to the people of Argentina.
[grand orchestral music]
♪
[softly]
Oh, my God.
♪
This is crazy.
- Maxi.
- Oh, Conan.
- This is insane.
- Nice to meet you.
Huh? We did it.
[laughter]
We did it!
[laughter]
We did it!
Yes!
♪
You look fat there.
- Yeah.
- You know, the
I'm noticing that.
They made me look fat.
- Yes.
[laughter]
[gentle guitar music]
After defacing
public property,
I knew it was time
to head home.
And I'll never forget my fans
Sebastian, Cammy, and Matías.
And I was honored to help
them soar to new heights.
[bell rings]
And to my many other amigos
in Argentina
Pretty good.
Pretty, pretty good.
["Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme]
Pretty, pretty good.
Pretty, pretty
♪
[upbeat accordion music]
♪
This is deranged.