Cow and Chicken (1997) s02e08 Episode Script


We're going to the cometorium. ♪
We're going to the cometorium! ♪
Oh, isn't this exciting, Chicken?
Yeah, I'm tubed out of my shorts.
We're going to the cometorium. ♪
We're going to the cometorium ♪
We're basically here.
Kids, this is Mr. Ivan Pantsed,
noted Cosmetologist.
Hello, ladies! Ivan Pantsed, here.
But you won't hear me complain.
Walk this way.
Billions and billions of years ago,
a comet hit the earth,
flattening cavemen and women,
and dinosaurs, into pancakes!
This is kinda cool!
I just love pancakes!
Especially blueberry!
Mr. Pantsed?
A comet could not smash us
into pancakes again, could it?
Of course it could, Cow!
But we now have the technology
to know days in advance,
so we have plenty of time to panic!
This field trip bites wind.
This is it, dear!
Drive it home, Dad!
Stupid uncool field
"Dad's ball".
Dad's ball gives me an idea.
It's all right, ladies.
No comet's gonna smash us
flat any time soon.
And for the small nominal fee -
of fifteen bucks apiece -
you can all take a quick lookie-loo
through the telescope!
This oughta liven things up a little.
Uno momento, Ben,
While I focus this so you ladies
will get your money's worth.
Kinda looked like a comet.
It's gonna smash our butts!
I take that back. It's going away.
Danger's over.
It's coming again!
No, it's going away again.
It's coming again!
It's going! It's coming!
Going, coming!
Dammit! Make up your mind, comet!
Oh, Grandma!
We're all dead meat!
Now, that's a field trip!
Now, where did that evil golf ball go?
With only one day left before
"Dad's Ball Comet"
flattens us into pancakes,
people an over are doing things
they've always wanted to do.
Today, a man married himself.
I do!
And I've always wanted to do this!
Look at me! I'm wearin' a weenie suit!
Chicken saves the day!
What y'all makin', Chicken?
Is it not oblivious, Flem?
I am making Comet Protection Devices.
Five bucks. Each.
We are safe!
Dad's Ball Comet ain't gonna smash us
with these underwear on our heads!
I am gonna be rich.
Do those things really work, Big Brother?
Hey, don't be an idiot, Cow!
They're Mom and Dad's old underwears.
I do not want to be flat!
There, there, Cow.
I'll sell you one for half price.
Oh, Big Brother!
Oh, you are so good to me!
What ya doin', Cow?
This is for posterior!
I am making a time capsule,
so when we are extinct,
people will know there was once
a little cow who lived here.
Good-bye, Crabs, The Warthog Doll.
Good-bye, Piles, The Beaver Doll.
Adieu, Manure Bear.
Here is some milk for your trip
through eternity.
There ain't no comet!
I stuck one of Dad's golf balls
in front of the telescope!
Forgive me!
Shame on you, Chicken!
You'd better go remove that ball right now!
Or we'll tar and unfeather you!
Okay, okay.
Geez. What's the matter?
Can't you peoples take a little joke?
What's that, Mister Left Hand?
You hope that mean old comet is gone?
See? It was just a prank!
Another comet's coming!
It's coming toward us. Good-bye!
Hey, look, everybody!
Chicken caught the comet!
Why, you're not a big fat liar after all,
You're a big fat hero!
I know I should have saved one of those
Comet Protection Devices for me.
My ball!
Oh, Dad! That was so manly!
A chicken in one!
Manly, yes. But I like it, too!
You know,
sometimes I question their sanity.
Mom says you gotta play with me.
Wanna play mock kitty bath?
Mom? May I please kill Cow?
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
Oh, you're a great cook, Weasel.
What do you call the meat?
Greg. I call the meat Greg.
So, Mike, do you enjoy your work
as a cartoon executive?
Yeah. Most of the time.
But sometimes my tongue starts
to the new shows over and over again.
Looks like an occupational hazard.
A milk toast, Mike,
to your continued success.
Idiot Weasel.
Wild party noise wakes up
I.R. Baboon from beauty sleep.
Stupid pothole could injure I.R. Baboon!
Broking foot!
Helping me!
That sounds like my neighbor,
I.R. Baboon.
Oh, you mean that man
who parked his trailer on your property?
He can't help it. He's an idiot.
And he needs help.
Broking foot!
Mike, call an ambulance!
Baboon, I am a doctor.
Does this hurt?
Ambulance to I.M. Weasel's
on Mulhullond Drive.
Baboon down!
Does this hurt?
Broken foot!
The baboon says his foot is broken,
yet both feet are fine.
I know, I'll bet my butt
he's broken his Phantom Foot!
I.R. broken foot!
This is serious!
You'll need a specialist.
You've broken your Phantom Foot.
You see, we're all born
with phantom appendages.
That's why I invented these
Phantom Glasses.
With these, you can clearly see
one's phantom limbs.
Is Weasel seeing I.R.'s broking foot?
Something like that.
Here, see for yourself.
How come Weasel have bigger
Phantom Foot than I.R. Baboon?
Oh, so the poor baboon has broken
his Phantom Foot!
I'm Dr. Clearbottom, Phantom Doctor.
Well, let me fix you up!
Why do Phantom Foot hurting I.R. Baboon?
I'll tell ya Why!
The Phantom Foot, by Dr. Clearbottom.
Ladies, welcome to the wonderful world
of Phantom Feet.
When an individual loses an arm or a leg,
he can still feel that it is there.
In fact, it still is there!
But in Phantom form!
Excuse me, Mr. Pirate,
could you help me with
the "demonstracion"?
Through the miracle of Kirlian Photography,
we can see the Phantom Limbs
of this pirate.
Lovely, isn't he?
The End.
I.R. understanding now.
I'm writing you a Phantom Prescription
for a special Phantom Orthopedic Shoe.
Come on, Baboon, take it!
That'll be five hundred dollars
for my services.
Is anybody being here?
It's me, your Phantom
Orthopedic Shoe Salesman!
To the measuring room!
This won't hurt.
I have your size right here.
Oh, a lovely, lovely choice, ma'am.
That'll be one million bucks!
But I.R. broke.
No! This all Weasel's fault!
Well, you should sue this Weasel.
And I know a Phantom Lawyer
who can help you!
Red Clearbottom,
Phantom Lawyer at your service!
We're going to sue the pants off
of that Weasel!
Mr. Weasel?
The people at the next table want to see
if you know the answer
to the meaning of life?
Why, certainly, my good waiter.
The meaning of life is a number.
And that number is one.
I.R. Baboon must subpoena weasel
so I can sue his butt!
What's this, I.R. Baboon?
You're suing me?
You and your good Mr. Weasel.
You, Mr. Pothole!
I.R. seeing you in court!
Today's case against
everyone's favorite weasel
will have an impact on
Phantom Limb Cases throughout the land.
Hello, Judge!
I am going to prove that this Weasel
conspired to lure my client,
an ignorant baboon,
over to his house with the sole intent
of breaking I.R.'s Phantom Foot!
Judge, I have evidence
that Red Clearbottom
is actually the one to blame.
Exhibit A -- this Phantom Video Tape.
My closed circuit Phantom Camera,
that I invented,
captured these images
of the actual Phantom Pothole Digger!
I find Red Clearbottom guilty!
Pay this Baboon ten million dollars!
Guard, take him away!
I guess I.R. Baboon
should thanking Weasel.
What can I.R. do for repaying?
I.M. Weasel, Attorney at Law.
I.M. Weasel got me ten million.
Oh, tell me about it.
Gratuitous moral!
Crime doesn't pay.
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