Cow and Chicken (1997) s03e06 Episode Script

Where Am I?

All right Agent Double-Oh-Crabs.
If you do not hand over the secret formula,
I, Double-Agent-Gold-Udder,
will bury you alive!
Oh, so you won't talk, eh?
All righty! You asked for it!
Oh, my stomachs are grumbling.
Oh, it can mean only one thing
Time to go home!
Come on, Crabs!
Oh, it is Monday night,
which means my favorite meal
Cream of Pork Butts on a Stick!
Mama's little Cow ♪
does pork butts, pork butts. ♪
Hee-ya! Home, Crabs!
Oh, gosh, Crabs.
I think I forgot how to get home.
Oh, the sun sure done went down fast!
No, don't kill us!
I am so silly.
That's just a cute little old frog.
Gonna get ya! Gonna get ya!
Gonna get ya! Gonna get ya!
Now, get a hold of your udders,
Cow, old girl.
Those are just harmless
woodland creatures.
Nobody's going to get us.
Gonna get ya! Gonna get ya!
Gonna get ya! Gonna get ya!
Gonna get ya!
Gotta get
Oh, now I've gone and done it.
I went and got us lost in this dark,
hot, stinking jungle.
Then someday,
brave explorers will find our decayed,
worming carcasses!
Oh, the poor, baby Crabs, relies on me,
'cause I am his Mommy.
Hey, Crabs?
I know how to find our way home!
As you may well know,
I was a Gorilla Scout for a whole week.
And before I was kicked out,
I learned how to navigate
by using the stars!
Don't go away. I'll be back in a sec.
A handy, dandy, star finder, scope thingie.
And yes, Crabs,
we will be on our way home
just as soon as these stars
stanin' to talkin'.
We are doomed.
What have I done to deserve such a fate?
I wish this rain would stop!
Oh, I am so dry and thirsty.
Oh, my udders are turning into raisins.
Water. Wa
Oh, water!
Oh, baby! That hit the spot!
What a horrible nightmare!
Oh, jeepers, Crabs!
It's getting so cold out here!
Oh, so cold. Mustn't fall asleep.
All right, maggot!
Suck in that gut, soldier!
Now go to sleep and wake up!
Sir, yes, Sir!
We're thousands of miles from home
with no food or water.
We must now revert to
instinctive survival techniques.
It's eat or be eaten!
Just look at this fat, juicy, millipede.
So full of life-giving protein.
Oh, pardon me, Mr. Bug, sir?
I'm terribly sorry,
but as a higher life form on the food chain,
I am forced to eat you now.
Don't hand me that
food chain garbage, you cow!
You're bred for food,
that's all you're good for.
Why, I've got half a mind to eat you myself!
Oh, please, Mr. Bug! Spare me!
Oh, Crabs! It's true!
I am just a big, fat, hamburger
just waiting to be eaten
by some vicious beast!
I want my Mommy!
What? What was that?
It is probably a blood thirsty predator
stalking me!
Ready to pounce on me!
Ruin my soft underbelly.
I have no choice! It is eat or be eaten.
Eat or be eaten! Eat or be eaten!
It is a cute little bitty squirrel!
Oh, look Crabs!
A cute little bitty friend for us to play with!
He likes us!
Chicken, honey?
Go tell your sister to come in for dinner
before the Cream of Pork Butts
on a Stick gets cold.
Hey, Cow?
Mom says
it's time to come inside for supper.
Hey, don't eat that. You'll spoil your dinner.
You had better get
some psychiatric help fast, Cow!
You big-boned bovine!
Oh, Big Brother!
You have come to my rescue!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
And then I finally found my way home.
Well, I guess since your backyard
adventure was so harrowing,
we'll have to give you
your X-Mas present early this year!
For me?
My very own Professional Jungle Guide!
Oh, just what I always wanted!
You know, Mama?
You really ought to think of mowin'
that backyard sometime.
It's a jungle out there.
Hey, pardon me whilst I go and
get my butt lost in our jungle here.
Sometimes I get the feelin'
my family isn't not normal.
Hey, geez, Cow!
You gotta get out of my tree fort.
You're gonna break it!
One, it's for men only.
And B, you're a six-hundred-pound girl!
This is the happiest day of my life!
This is the flattest day of my life.
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
Will the Defendant please rise
for sentencing?
Once again,
you are the Defendant, Mr. Baboon.
I.R. Baboon, for the crime of
being furry in public on a Tuesday,
you have been found guilty!
By the power vested in me
by the great commonwealth of Kentucky,
I hereby sentence you
to ninety-nine years
in a correctional facility.
It's all right here, Your Majesty.
This mid-evil Kentucky Law states
that if the Defendant
has a big red butt
And the Judge is cute and fuzzy
with along bushy tail
the judge must serve the entire sentence
of ninety-nine years
with the convicted Defendant.
Preposterous, Mr. Rumpsteen!
Let me see.
" fuzzy tail"
with Defendant in correctional facility."
See? I told you so!
It appears you are correct,
Mr. Rump stein.
It is my job to uphold all laws.
Even patently stupid laws.
So, I hereby sentence myself
to ninety-nine years
to be served with Mr. Baboon
in a correctional facility.
Why on earth are you wearing
that horrible mouth device?
This is a correctional facility.
They're correcting my overbite.
Put it back on, man.
I wonder what correctional devices
the Warden plans for us?
This are fun!
We are not here to have fun.
Now, if you will excuse me,
I'd like to get some sleep.
As I'm sure we have
a day full of back-breaking labor
ahead of us tomorrow.
Goodnight, Bunk Buddy!
Sleep good!
Time to get up, Baboon.
Loose something?
Well, I
Say, aren't you the Defense Attorney
that put me here?
I'm the Warden here!
As I recall, there are suppose
to be two prisoners in this cell.
So where's your cell mate?
I am not that monkey's keeper.
I don't know where he went.
You didn't eat him, did you?
Eat baboon?
You savage!
But I
Eating your cell mate is an infraction.
Thirty days in the box!
Oh, you're in big trouble! Big trouble!
Thirty days in there? You can't be serious.
Oh, I'm dead serious, bucko.
I'll see ya in thirty days!
This'll teach you to eat your cell mate.
Well, I suppose
I should go back to my cell.
I certainly hope
I didn't eat that poor baboon.
Maybe this life of hard time
has finally gotten to me!
Hello cell mate!
Baboon! What happened to your ears?
These are correctional ear muffs.
Warden giving them to I.R.,
'cause I.R. is needin' corrected.
And this is correctional facility.
Typical knock-knees of a common criminal.
These correctional hot pants
will have you reformed in no time.
All done!
This correctional ball cap
should have you fixed in a jiffy!
Warden? I must speak with you
about these correctional devices.
Short, fuzzy, weasely eyes.
Classic criminal features.
You've got it all wrong!
This is supposed to be a place
to keep dangerous criminals like me
off the streets!
Questioning the Warden's authority
is an infraction!
Sixty days in the box!
Don't mess with
the Kentucky State Correctional system.
This place desperately needs my help.
I am Weasel!
These correctional devices are inhumane.
They have to go.
Good goat cheese!
Well, maybe this correctional device
ain't such a bad idea.
What an unlucky fellow.
Oh, you poor man.
Let's get that contraption off of you.
Merciful mayonnaise!
That certainly does need correcting!
A Fred Corrector?
Hello, Fred.
I certainly can't let that go uncorrected.
Still furry. Still has beady weasel eyes.
And still short.
Where is your correctional gear?
Well, it sounded like a stupid idea,
so I never put it on.
Failure to wear correctional gear
is an infraction!
Six years in the box!
If that Warden was right
about the other inmates,
and those stupid correctional devices,
maybe he's right about me, too.
Maybe I do need correcting.
And so you see, Baboon,
my efforts to correct this facility
were sadly misguided.
Why, now that I am no longer fuzzy,
and my eyes aren't so beady,
and I am not so short, I feel great!
Ninety-nine years in this joint might
not be so bad.
At least we not getting life.
I love happy endings.
Don't you agree, Warden?
Yes! Yes!
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