Cow and Chicken (1997) s04e23 Episode Script

Duck, Duck, Chicken

Mama had a chicken. ♪
Mama had a cow. ♪
Dad was proud, he didn't care how. ♪
Cow! ♪
Chicken! ♪
Cow and Chicken! ♪
Hi, boys and girls!
I'm Slappy, Ham of the Future!
Today is gonna be a special show.
Let's bring it down a notch
and get serious for a minute.
Today, we're gonna talk about
what it means to be happy
with who or what you are.
You might comb your hair differently.
You might wear a different dress.
You might be a ham tomorrow, like me.
But it doesn't change who you are.
I know who or what I am. I'm a pig!
You see, you can paint a bag of
chick peas all pretty and blue,
and it'll look nice,
but it's still a bag of chick peas.
You ever see a chick pea?
What is up with that?
Oh, beats the milk out of me.
Cow? Chicken? Dinner's ready!
Mom, hurry!
Ham strings! Batter up!
Oh, boy!
What can we do for you, fine Sir?
Watch this.
Door to door doctor house call!
A doctor?
We didn't call for no doctor.
Well, of course you didn't!
I am a doctor of surprise medicine.
Well, come on in!
Open your pie holes for Dr. Hiney.
Mom? Dad? Do we gotta?
He is a doctor.
Just look at his bag!
It says "Doctor" right on it!
How's that for proof?
Pork traps open.
Oh, this kid's got quite a tongue on him.
Nothing a little soap won't cure!
Right, Mom and Dad?
All right, here's the dirt, Mom and Dad.
Your moose is fine.
But there's something wrong
with your duck!
In fact, it is the ugliest duck
I've ever seen.
Hey! I am no duck!
There is nothing worse
than a duck in denial!
Lookie, Mom and Dad.
This is what a duck looks like.
Here we go!
'Duck': Flat bill, short legs and no wattle.
He's right, mama!
Chicken doesn't look anything like a duck!
Your son is in dire need
of an emergency wattle-ectomy, Mom?
Now, take off your clothes
and put on this revealing paper gown.
Our poor, poor duck!
Be strong, mama.
The pantless doctor is gonna help him.
I hope nobody
can see my naked buttocks.
Oh, don't worry, Big Brother.
No one can see your butt back here.
Surgery time!
Oh, I'm sorry. He's gone.
You mean
The lunch guy. He's gone.
Anyway, time for the wattle-ectomy.
Can I help, Dr. Hiney?
All righty! You can be my head nurse!
Take care of my head, nurse.
Man! I'm fearing the worst.
Not me.
I'm fearing what might happen to our son!
Five string banjo.
My head
Thank you!
Oh, Mom and Dad.
Take a look at your new son!
What have you done to my Big Brother?
Well, it's nothing, really.
Speak to me, Chicken!
What? Are you thirsty?
Oh, here!
Impressed, hm?
Now we have got to do something
about this moose of yours!
First, we are going to need
to get rid of these horns.
Wait a minute!
Are you really a doctor?
Not technically, no.
I'm a Rear Admiral. So, sue me.
So, they did!
Ladies and Germans,
these slides prove that Chicken is no duck.
Exhibit "A" Chicken as a baby egg.
Chicken one-day-old.
Chicken's first step.
Chicken's first word.
The day his wattle came in.
Now, do you still allege that
Chicken is a duck, Real Admiral Floyd?
Well if it looks like a duck,
walks like a duck
and quacks like a duck
Then it must be a duck, Your Highness.
Hey! You can't argue with that logic!
Case dismissed!
Eat your cereal, Chicken.
I want my Big Brother back!
Oh, don't be sad, Cow.
That's right! It's not like we lost a son.
We gained a duck.
Works every time!
Duck season!
See, kids? It's like I told you.
You can surgically alter a chicken
into a duck, but he's still the duck.
All right, kids, forget what I said
at the beginning of the show.
Sometimes a sack of manure
can be a duck.
Oh, that's not right. I don't know!
I am not a scientist! I am a pig!
Why are you listening to me?
I am bacon, for frying out loud!
The producers wish to apologize
for the previous Slappy The Pig insert.
It was a pathetic and desperate attempt
on the part of Slappy to prolong his life!
The producers wish to apologize
for the previous outburst
by the pantless actor
who no longer works for the show.
We are sorry.
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