Cow and Chicken (1997) s04e24 Episode Script

The Great Pantzini

We now interrupt the "Piles,
The Beaver Show,"
for this important commercial!
Hello, it's me! The Great Pantzini!
The circus is in town,
so come on down and kiss a clown!
Oh, boy! The circus!
Why don't you kids run off
and join the circus?
But we do not wish to do that.
Well, kids? Have a great time!
"The Great Pantzini Circus."
Hello! Runaway to join the circus, hmm?
Well, you've come to the right place!
Come with me, ladies!
What are you staring at?
Never seen a guy butt-walk before?
You know, we have been running
a little short on help these days,
ever since Mike, The Micro-Trunk Elephant
sat on the Chinese Acrobats
the other night.
Now referred to
as "The Chinese Pancakes."
You made Mike cry!
And, nothing.
What can I do with
a antelope and a turkey?
I know!
You can be the circus fat woman, and
you can be her turkey!
Oh, but I am a girl, not a woman.
Your secret's safe with me.
Hey, is this a real circus?
Just check out my one-trick-pony.
Hey, this aingt no trick pony.
It's a weenie dog
with a taped-down mane and tail.
That's his trick?
I got a lion! Come on, I'll let you tame it!
Oh, be careful! This one's a real killer!
Hey, hey, wait a minute. That's no killer.
That is a stupid little mouse!
Oh, he's adorable!
"Adorable", my butt! He's a man eater!
I'll show yas.
Hey, you want a piece of me, mouse?
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Hey! Somebody
get this monster away from me!
I told you he was a killer!
Get him off me!
My face! My face!
All right.
You're a tight rope girl.
Climb that ladder!
Climb! Climb! Climb like the wind!
A antelope on a tight rope!
I'm gonna be rich!
Think of the headlines!
"Great Pantzini teaches fat antelope"
Hey, what are you doing?
Did I do good, Mr. Great Pantzini?
Get off the tight rope right now!
I'm hurt.
Hello, Mr. Turkey!
You are going to be the circus fire eater!
Open your pork trap!
I don't want it.
But it's good for you!
It's got hot vitamins and crud like that in it.
Here, watch daddy eat some!
Vroom, vroom!
My tongue!
I burned my tongue!
What is wrong with you people?
The show opens tomorrow!
It could be worse.
At least I've got my clowns.
Hey, Pantzini! We quit!
All that kissing made my wife jealous!
I'm so excited!
Hey! Look, mama!
It's our kids! They're clowns!
Ladies and gerbils!
Introducing me, the Great Pantzini!
It's only me.
Everybody else either quit on me
or is a pancake.
For my first act,
I'm gonna juggle these three pots
of boiling oil!
Go, baby!
Drum roll, please!
Boiling oil! Boiling oil!
Don't look at me like this! I'm hideous!
I will now dive into this glass of water!
I missed.
They like me. They really like me.
That man is a fraud!
He's no clown! He's a doctor!
And he's needed in surgery right away!
Oh, no!
Is this true?
It's true!
Thank you.
Let's bring it down a notch
and get serious, eh, Carl?
This is a sad story about a young boy,
growing up wanting more than anything,
to be a clown like his ma-ma.
I tried on her shoes, ♪
But I was saddled with feet ♪
that were too small. ♪
And the mind of a genius, ♪
When all I wanted ♪
was to squirt seltzer water! ♪
I was forced
to be a brain surgery surgeon.
My mom was a clown.
Dad married a clown.
But I wasn't funny enough to be a clown.
Ma-ma and pa-pa
never forgave me for that!
You're not a licensed clown.
You're a licensed doctor.
You made all these
innocent people laugh illegally.
You gotta give them back
their laughter right now!
The doctor will see you now.
Thank you, handsome.
Hey, you know what?
He can keep my laughter.
Mine, too.
I have plenty more laughs
where those came from.
Would you like your laughter back, too?
It all started when I was nine.
Daddy took me hunting.
House hunting.
We ate shingles for a month!
I could never look at a house
the same way again!
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
It was just a day.
A day like any other day
when the sun's up and it's not night.
I was hard at work on a case
when the phone rang.
What? Hello?
Weasel and Baboon Detective Agency.
Weasel speaking.
Stop! No! Oh, my!
- Now, get a hold of your udder, Miss!
- Oh, no! Help!
What's all the stink about?
Oh, Mr. Weasel, Sir,
something is terribly wrong!
You have to come quick
before it is too late!
Help! Help! He's after me!
Tell that squirrel guy to hurry up already!
Here it comes!
Oh, mama! It's horrible!
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Dang. I don't like the sound of those
blood curdling screams.
This might mean trouble.
Hey, Baboon? Quick monkeying around.
We got a case.
Get your big red butt off me!
I sorry.
I traced the call to the residence
of a certain Mom and Dad.
All right! Nobody move!
I've got a loaded baboon
and I'm not afraid to use it!
Click, click.
Nobody's home. The place was deserted.
Just look at that desert on the table.
Somebody didn't finish their flan.
I.R. conduct investigating.
What is it?
It flan.
Hey, I.R. hearing something from upstairs!
It are still running.
Stand back.
We're wasting precious seconds!
Just as I thought. This seat is still warm.
Now we're getting someplace.
We gotta get moving
before that trail cools off.
You know what to do.
You gotting it, Chief!
Keep your peepers peeled for clues.
Clues at six o'clock.
But it's only five o'clock.
A mom's apron.
A dad's shoe.
Puddle o'milk.
And some smelly old chicken feathers.
What it mean?
Bad housekeepers.
I.R. finding gum!
Hey, I.R. not liking this chewing gum.
It are stale.
All right, cough it up!
That's no gum!
That was the pink eraser tip
from a Number Two Pencil.
It's almost as if they were erased
off the face of the Earth!
I.R. see.
Somebody has rubbed out
Cow and Chicken,
and we've got to catch them,
cause I.M. Weasel!
I.R. Baboon!
As we cruised along
in our big old-fashioned car,
I.R. and I began to assess the case.
Okay, my dull-witted companion,
let's get our facts straight.
Now, if you were a missing cow,
where would you go?
Lingerie department?
Milk bar!
Right! Who drinks milk?
Baby birds!
Baby childrens?
And where do baby childrens
hang out drinking milk?
In school!
Brilliant deduction, Baboon.
I.R. going to school right now!
I.R. being good detective! ♪
I.R. solving case! ♪
Oh, the old
"knock out the monkey" trick, eh?
We must be getting closer to the bad guy.
These aren't circles, they're holes!
Any more questions?
Yeah. I got some questions, Teacher.
Where are Cow and Chicken?
I, gee, I don't know?
Well, you see,
basically they never came in today.
And what happened to Flem and Earl?
And why are there tiny bits of pink,
stale chewing eraser everywheres?
Leave me alone!
I'm not half the woman I used to be!
So, you admit it!
He rubbed me the wrong way!
Just look at me! I'm hideous!
Harvey will never love me like this!
Come on, Baboon.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
It's funny
how this trail of eraser crumbs leads
right to the janitor's lounge.
Excuse me?
We're looking for the janitor responsible
for Cow and Chicken's room.
You want Mr. Bum B. Showing.
He's hiding in the broom closet.
Oh, look at trail of eraser bits
leading right to closet!
And maybe to the very person
who rubbed out Cow and Chicken!
All right, Bum B. Showing.
We know you're in there!
Come out with your bum
Where we can see it!
I can't come out!
Somebody snuck up from behind
and drew pants on me!
Not only does it look bad with my figure,
but watch!
How do people walk in these things?
- How could I be drawn this way?
- Come on, Baboon.
- He's not who we're looking for.
- It's a crime
against my bottom!
You talking to I.R.?
After I.R.'s brain surgery,
the ambulance boys dropped us off
at Flem's house.
Yep. This is the place.
Hello. Detective Weasel here.
Pleased to meet ya.
Lookie! Flem and Earl got
no color insiding of them!
Yes. They're only ink outlines
of their former selves.
I.R. can put paw right through Flem!
Hey, stop that!
Oh, I feel so violated!
We didn't do nothing to him
to deserve this!
Who? Who did this to you?
- Okay, we'll tell. It's it's
- It's
- It's it's it's
- Quick, Baboon! Jot this down!
Okay. "It's it's it's
Okay you two let's go downtown.
Good gravy, Baboon!
They've been reduced to piles
of eraser crumbs!
Hey, we'd better
So, it was you, Bum B. Showing!
You faked that whole pants scene
to throw us off the trail!
That's right, Weasel.
Now, get your hands up!
But why?
Why did you rub out Cow and Chicken
and Flem and Earl?
Why? Why?
Well'cause I wanted my own show.
But they wouldn't give it to me.
No. They said I didn't have any pants!
But now you know too much!
So, it's time for you to be erased!
Oh, Mom! Dad! Help!
Cow? Honey, are you all right?
What's wrong, dear?
Oh, I had the most horrible nightmare.
This bad man with no pants
was erasing everyone.
Oh, he even erased you guys!
You were only half there!
What a ridiculous dream!
Well, Cow? Look at the bright side.
At least we're normal.
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