Cow and Chicken (1997) s04e26 Episode Script

The Ballad of Cow and Chicken

Shut your pie holes,
ya room full of hairless lackeys!
Is this on?
Just what pan of "shut your pie hole"
didn't ya understand?
I'm gonna sing you dullards a song,
accompanied by
these two imbecile students of mine,
Flem and Earl.
Basically, I'm gonna sing a little ditty
about a fat Cow
and her dead brother, Chicken,
on the run from the law
like the little law breakers
that I always knew they was.
Hit it, boneheads!
Well, my story starts ♪
about a month ago now, ♪
When this G-Man guy ♪
saw Chicken and Cow. ♪
You there! Stop!
We are stopped!
I'm a G-Man. Mike Hiney.
So the handsome G-Man ♪
reached in his gabardine, ♪
had something for our friends, ♪
if you know what I mean. ♪
Quick! He's gonna shoot!
Run for it!
Cow made a getaway, fugitive on a trike. ♪
Come back!
Hiney yelled. ♪
His first name being Mike. ♪
And the G-Man chased them, ♪
a-walking on his butt. ♪
Faster, Cow!
Now, Chicken ♪
He's gaining on us!
What crime did they commit?
Why was the G-Man on their tail?
What in the heck is a G-Man, anyway?
A German Man?
Why are you asking me?
How would I know?
And anyway, who really cares?
They were being chased!
It's just the luck of the draw,
the turn of the key,
the way the balls fall,
the hoist in your petard
and crud like that.
So, on the road away ♪
they went a-running for their lives. ♪
And close behind, right on their tails, ♪
the G-Man with the hives. ♪
I don't have hives!
I'm naturally red all over.
Like a newspaper.
They stayed at hobo jungles ♪
eating mulligan stew. ♪
Hey, Mulligan? What stew is this? ♪
Cream of leather. ♪
Hey! Stop!
Through field and stream chased hiney,
over falls without a care.
Dashed to bits against the rocks,
the G-Man with no underwear.
Pick up the pace, boys!
They rode the rails at midnight, ♪
all Cow could do was moo. ♪
The G-Man kept a chasing ♪
but hit the wall like, goo. ♪
Ah-ooo! ♪
Ah-ooo! ♪
Just hit that wall like goo! ♪
Into the woods our pals did go, ♪
and met an old boxer, his name was Joe. ♪
Now, Joe was not quite right in the head, ♪
ever since that fight ♪
with a poodle named Fred. ♪
So Cow and Chicken, away they went, ♪
when in came Hiney, that handsome gent! ♪
That Poodle was paid off! ♪
Hiney did say. ♪
The fight was fixed, I was there that day! ♪
Never say "fixed" around a dog. ♪
He'd say. ♪
You're right there, Joe, ♪
I should'a said spayed. ♪
Cow and Chicken were on the lamb. ♪
The lamb was fast, his name was Sam. ♪
But something made them turn and see ♪
the G-Man with the bare hiney. ♪
So off they sped as fast as you please, ♪
when in came Mike ♪
Have you seen these?
The lamb did thrash the old Hiney guy, ♪
and left him hurt and asking ♪
So, I hear our hero moved on, ♪
ran forth with life. ♪
Wound up with the farmer ♪
and his big-boned wife. ♪
To hide from Mike, ♪
I tell ya here's the poop, ♪
Chicken waltzes in to a Chicken coop. ♪
Now, that was fine, except, you see, ♪
the rooster got mad, ♪
they were his hens, all three. ♪
Hey, Teacher?
I don't like this.
Is Chicken gonna be okay?
What is the matter with you?
You can't have story without conflict!
Now, shut your pork trap
and play that banjo,
you liver-lipped, four-eyed Mozart!
That's better.
Now, where was I before
I was so rudely interrupted?
Oh, yeah!
Hiney was closing in on Cow
hiding in the paddock.
Now Hiney was dense, ♪
he was dumb, you see. ♪
Couldn't tell the difference ♪
between a Cow and a hors-ie. ♪
Now, that's one ugly horse and fat, I say. ♪
No one talks about my funny ♪
looking horse that way! ♪
He sailed right out like a frying pan, ♪
and met the farmer's wife ♪
with the bone so big. ♪
Away they snooked, ♪
as quiet as a mouse. ♪
But the g-man, Hiney, ♪
chased them to a movie house. ♪
A trap he lay to catch the pair, ♪
but the trap he set was a trap for a bear. ♪
Is this your trap?
- To Hiney he called when he said ♪
- Yes.
Mike Hiney got mauled, ♪
into the gutter, ♪
thrown mangled and sore, ♪
Mike Hiney spied the kids ♪
sneaking out the back door. ♪
And chased them ♪
through at break-neck speed, ♪
was Cow and Chicken barely in the lead. ♪
Into an alley, was this pair trapped? ♪
But it's a dead end alley. ♪
Said the guy with no pants. ♪
Looks like the end of the line
for Cow and Chicken.
Does something bad happen to them?
'Cause they're our friends!
It's a song, you buck-tooth,
Chinless Geek!
Look what I'm dealing with!
Now, play so we can end this song already!
Hey! Why the heck is you following us?
'Cause Cow dropped her Crabs
on the sidewalk in front of your house.
I wanted to give it back.
But I have Crabs right here.
Then what do I got?
Well, I guess they can be my friends, then!
Oh, glory!
I finally have some friends!
Oh, pinch me.
Pinch me, I must be dreaming!
Well, do-si-do ♪
and I hope you weren't too sickened, ♪
that was the ballad of Cow and Chicken. ♪
Well, basically, that's it.
I hope you losers enjoyed it.
Yes! Oh, that performance was brilliant!
Oh, bravo!
Clap, my little crab friends!
Easy with the pinchers.
I did not have to bring you guys tonight!
Looks like The Red Guy
always gets it in the end!
I, Al Hiney,
will now teach you how to bowl.
I can't see!
All right. First, you need a ball.
Tippy tippy toe and tank
and roll your ball like so.
Oh, this ball I'm going to keep.
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
Hello, kids. I.M. Weasel here. The actor.
Today is a special episode
about the dangers of fire.
And to help me with the subject
is a famous fire spokesbear
you may know.
Hey, this is Manure The Bear!
I thought we had the famous Fire Bear?
You know, the six-foot kind of chunky bear
wearing overalls and a hat
and carrying a shovel?
I'm not working with Manure.
He draws flies.
What's this?
Oh, my contract.
It says I work with whoever
you say I work with.
I'll work with Manure.
Also, I'd like to introduce my fellow actor
I.R. Baboon.
Just read the cue card.
"Baboon sniff finger."
Baboon: "Hello, I Are Baboon."
Just roll the film.
I.R. salesmans!
I.R. on busy-ness trip.
Hello, lady of house!
I.R. Salesmans.
Can I interesting you in buying wildfire?
Every house needing fires
for cooking and crud like that.
"So, buying it and help keeping guys
like I off street, ma'am."
Can I interested you in fire extinguisher?
No. That's okay.
Suiting self.
That poor homeowner.
I must build that man a new home,
'cause I.M. Weasel!
Oh, Mr. Squirrel! It's beautiful!
Thank you!
You're welcome.
A gentle reminder:
Never open your door
to a strange monkey bearing fire.
Now, excuse me while
I stop this fire peddling simian.
Stop, I.R.!
A wildfire should never be sold.
It belongs in the wild.
It is wrong to hold captive
its wild and free spirit.
It is a thing of wonder and beauty
that needs freedom to roam in
its natural habitat.
It must be left alone to wander forth
and populate
- and have little baby fires.
- Mommy! Mommy!
As Mom Nature intended.
To live in peace
and harmony for generations to come.
Now do you understand, Mr. Monkey?
You're talking to I.R.?
Yes, gorilla?
Hello, fat Sir!
Care to buying wildfire?
Fire extinguisher?
Great mayonnaise on a stick!
I love you!
Marry me, you furry little Weasel!
Although I am flattered, Madame,
I must decline your offer.
That rogue orangutan must be stopped.
Oh, no more fire.
Phew. I'm glad that's over.
I was getting a little exhausted
rebuilding everyone's house.
Gotcha covered, ape!
Bet you didn't know
I was a gorilla scout when I was nine.
What's up with the pantsless gorilla scout?
You buy wildfire, goofy looking lady?
I'll buy anything you're selling,
you silly monkey.
Bye-bye, satisfied customer!
Fire extinguisher?
What a coincidence!
That's just what I need!
Well, I'll be.
I'm starting to grasp
the concept of their scam.
After Baboon sells raw fire
to innocent people,
that Pantsless guy shows up
and sells them an extinguisher.
Excuse me, sir?
Were you talking to me?
This fraud must end.
You can't sell wildfire door to door.
People already have controlled fire
in their homes.
Let me explain it to you.
A controlled fire's role in life
is to serve man, and woman, too.
Controlled fire
has a very important job to do.
Every day, in every town and city,
fire goes to work for us.
He jumps in to help mankind,
to light their stoves and cook their food.
Oh, man, that fire is hot!
That's right, Mr. Egg.
Controlled fire
is used to cook our weenies
and warm our houses.
So, you see,
wildfire was never meant to be sold.
In fact, selling wildfires is against the law.
You mean it's a crime?
We must rethink our strategy.
Earthquake man! Want to buy this?
Instant Earthquake in a can!
Just pop the top.
Here. Hold this. Enjoy.
Care to buying safety helmet?
We're going to be rich!
The moral of this story?
Never go into any business venture
with a Pantsless man.
I think the hamster's just jealous.
Just fade to black.
So, kids, I hope you
all learned a valuable lesson today.
Never play with fire, or earthquakes.
Manure! What are you doing here?
I was watching TV and I saw you!
I came right down
to the studio to pick you up,
you naughty bear!
Oh, I am so sorry, Mr. Hamster.
Manure's always running off like this.
Oh, you are always making
a mess of things,
you bad, bad Manure.
Oh, but Mommy still loves you.
All right, fade to black. For real this time.
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