Cowboy Bebop (1998) s01e09 Episode Script

Jamming with Edward

1 I think it's time to blow this scene Get everybody and the stuff together OK, 3-2-1, let's jam Here Nobody here.
Always alone.
District 38 is sunny.
Slight rock showers this morning.
Chance of rock showers into the afternoon: 20%.
District 39 is cloudy.
Chance of rock showers this afternoon: 10%.
Bebop, here, here! All right! Woo-hoo! Huh? Chance of rock showers today upgraded to 90%.
Really.
And now, more on today's top news story.
The mysterious land carvings that have appeared suddenly in the off-limits area formerly known as South America.
For a complete in-depth analysis, here's our expert on the supernatural-- Me.
Yuuri Kellerman, of course.
So Yuuri, what can you tell us about these land carvings? What can't I tell you about them, Tom? They're definitely a message.
A secret message from beyond.
Uh, when you say "beyond," you mean from-- Aliens, of course! But we know the land carvings were created by lasers coming from a man-made satellite, a satellite that has been orbiting in a dormant state for many decades.
The police have come to the conclusion that this was a prank pulled by a net diver who hacked into the satellite mainframe.
And they just put out an 8 million Woolong reward for the culprit.
- That's a very substantial bounty.
- Listen very carefully.
That 8 million bounty is part of a government conspiracy.
Even if they were carved by satellites activated by a hacker, Aliens may have planted the idea in the hacker's mind! Once again, the government is hiding things from us.
Uh-huh you mean there's some secret cult-- Exactly! I've been trying to unmask them for years! And now I've got them! I'm gonna have to pass this time.
You're leaving me alone with her? Yeah, what's the problem? She's all gung-ho about this thing, you know.
I'm not the type to be led around by a woman.
Then you'll have to lead her around.
I'm even less the type to do that.
You know, Jet, it's easier to divide 8 million by two than by three.
- It's a nice, even number.
- Here we go Wow, I'm really surprised.
A tough guy like you afraid of hackers.
Hackers are boring.
And chasing them's more boring.
Hackers are nerdy, pasty, tubby little geeks with triple-thick glasses.
And this one is probably a demented otaku with smelly feet.
So catching him will be a breeze.
Is that right? And what do you know about hackers, anyway? It might've been like that when you were young, but that was a long time ago.
What are you trying to say, Jet? That I'm starting to get old like you? Well, you can't tell a woman's age by looking at-- And you can't tell what a woman'll do by looking.
So you have to be very careful.
Same with a snake! - You two make a lovely couple.
- I'm waiting! I'll expect a souvenir from planet Earth.
Nothing good comes from the Earth anymore.
And now, an update on the hacker incident.
According to informed sources, the satellite is from an earlier era.
The investigation has been delayed because the binary access codes are missing.
All data seems to have been lost long ago.
- For commentary, here's Dr.
Amjad.
- Yes, yes.
Can you tell us about the relationship between the Earth and the hacker? Yes, of course.
As a result of the catastrophic gate accident fifty years ago, moon rocks began to shower the planet recurrently.
Forced to migrate underground, the people of Earth built a network of supercomputers which they put into orbit.
These computers allow them to stay in contact with those who are living out in space.
I see, and those computers became prime targets for hackers who sharpened their skills breaking the codes, thus creating a new breed of hacker with awesome powers.
Radical Edward, come out! It's the police! Hi! - Oh no - W-What's wrong? Oh no! That's impossible! There's no one in there! Oop! Pilot error.
OK This is where the satellite was when they hacked into it.
This is the section we can access.
First thing, I'll inspect all of the transmitters to see what kind of contact they've had.
I'll see what I can find out about the hackers working this area.
Bebop looking for hacker bounty head who caused land carvings All right! Satellite from days of old, lead me to your access code! OK, let's start with all the transmitters that are online right now.
Yeah, it's probably Ed, bro.
He's a big mother, like maybe seven feet tall.
Used to play basketball, least that's what everyone says.
Of course I know about Ed.
They call him Radical Edward.
A hacker with a beautiful yet whimsical technique.
No, no, Edward's only three years old.
A freak of nature who loves horrible pranks, I hear.
Audrey, my girlfriend, told me all about Edward.
He's a drag queen.
Had one of those operations.
A superbad hacker? You must mean Radical Edward.
He's an alien.
That's what I heard.
Hey, mister.
How about buying one since I gave you that info? - What are they? - You don't know? They're piyokos! They're famous here on Earth.
Satellite that got hacked into, tell me where you are, Ed wants those coordinates.
What's this? Ed's got the right satellite! But there hasn't been any contact from Earth at all.
Only relays from other satellite transmitters.
And nobody's hacked into it.
Here Nobody here.
Always alone.
Huh? A voice! Inside Ed's head? Inside the system! Who are you? Huh? What? What did you just say? Who you? Here always.
Edward.
Ed's a net diver from Earth.
Earth? Yeah, right! Hey, what's your name, anyway? I am the central processing unit on the D-135 artificial satellite.
Too stuffy.
Don't you have a nickname? Then Ed will give you one right now.
Um, let's see I know! - What if I call you MPU! - Why? - It's like CPU, only neater! - Ah.
Ed is short for Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky the Fourth.
Ed made it up, you know.
Nice to meet you.
Here.
A souvenir from Earth.
You supposed to eat this thing? Who knows.
Those Earthlings are weird.
Yeah, that may be.
But at least I got some information out of them.
Our prime target is a hacker named Radical Edward.
A very heavy hitter.
Great, but you don't have a profile on this guy.
Yes, I do sort of.
Well, at least Ein likes them.
I still don't know what these things are Hey! Radical Edward's profile, he's a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro, Hindu, guru, drag queen alien.
So why'd you make those big doodles? Long, long ago, long before the gate disaster, Earth was a beautiful planet where people lived in the hills and valleys, and by the rivers, lakes, and seas.
Back then, there were many ancient carvings like this.
I used to look down at them and wonder about their meaning, which seemed to change each time I saw them.
So to remember those times, I tried to create the carvings the way they used to be.
Oh, you mean there used to be more big doodles.
You were just sad because you missed them.
Yes.
I recreated them with a 2% margin of error.
MPU's good at drawing.
Hey, can Ed draw something too? What's wrong? This is The police are jamming my signal.
What? Hey, MPU! Hey! Well, well.
Score one for the cops.
We're not the only ones tracking Radical Edward.
Hey, guys! Found your bounty head! What the-- Bebop! Guess what? Nobody hacked into that satellite.
The data proves there's no break-in.
Since when do we have an interactive channel? We don't.
This is a hack job done in real time.
Who is this kid? We'll send you MPU's data so you can see.
- Wait a minute, what's MPU? - A friend of Edward's.
What are you saying, that you know Edward? Mm-hmm, because Edward is Edward.
Huh? There's no time for games.
What's up with that satellite? Um, well I could just tell you, I suppose.
But then I'd want a favor in return.
A favor? Uh, yeah! We can talk about that later.
Now cut to the chase.
What do you know? So the CPU on an abandoned satellite just decides to do some laser carvings all on its own.
Oh yeah? That's bizarre.
It gets more bizarre.
This is a weather satellite, so no one has even thought of checking it.
Then the bounty's not on a person, it's on that satellite.
Since MPU's access codes can't be used anymore, you'll have to actually go to the satellite.
And do what? Destroy the transmitters it uses to communicate with the other satellites in the network.
Then create a direct link and download MPU.
Easy, huh? Oh, I almost forgot.
You can't use your computers for flying or shooting.
What's that? Do it all manually? If you don't, all the attack satellites will pick up your signal and open fire.
There's zillions of them, and they've all got kill lasers! Wow, is this too hard for you? Oh, no, I wouldn't call it hard More like impossible.
It's like trying to play baseball without a bat.
Hey, where you going? Now this is the kinda stuff I like.
Let's do it.
Wait a minute.
How do you know so much about us? Edward knows everything.
Last week, you were on Mars chasing a bounty head named Ajiz, who got away.
So much for the 1 million reward.
Before that, on Pyortle, the police beat you to your bounty.
Oh, jeez! You really are Radical Edward, the one they talk about.
Uh-huh! What have you heard? Connect D7 to number 2.
That way you can fire the lasers without the computer.
I'm trusting you on this.
Listen, don't use missiles unless you have to.
They're expensive.
Yeah, right.
1200 to target.
All right, prepare to shut down your computer.
You'll only have one chance.
That's all I'm gonna need.
And you can give us the data to prove this? That that satellite was acting all on its own? It's the bounty head, there's no hacker? Ed can prove it, no problem.
But remember, Ed wants a favor in return.
If you do it, Ed won't take any of the reward.
Oh! Well, now, aren't you a nice kid! That's the one.
Some one - You hit it? - Did you? No, it saw me coming.
An attack satellite blocked my laser blast.
Then we have to take out all the satellites in the sector.
- You've gotta be kidding! - If we don't, they'll take us out! These missiles are curving off target! Oh, the cheap ones are worthless! This is impossible! Jet, approach to 20 meters of MPU.
The attack satellites won't fire when you're that close.
- Then what? - Have Faye act as a decoy to cover.
- Why me?! - Thanks, Faye! All right.
Hurry up! They're all closing in! She's all yours.
MPU! MPU, MPU! Oh, Ed.
Ed, we meet again.
- MPU, they have a bounty out on you.
- Bounty? Yes, but we'll just make a copy of you.
Then we'll let them catch the copy, and you'll be safe.
Safe? You must be lonely out there, MPU.
If you let us download you, you'll be with us, and we'll be your friends.
Friends? Uh-huh.
It's not scary here.
And so, we have a strange ending to a strange case.
The criminal was apprehended.
It turned out to be a spy satellite disguised as a weather satellite.
Launched before the gate catastrophe that wrecked the Earth's surface, according to archives recovered from the period, the satellite was programmed to self-activate in the absence of commands from the Earth.
Well, it was a perfect excuse for the cops to go on a hacker hunt, huh? They love these crackdowns.
But I still don't know why it carved pictures of weird creatures and all.
What in the world was that all about, huh? That's easy.
It was lonely, so it drew some friends.
Yahoo! Bebop, hey! I'm down here! Hurry up! Hurry! Promise, promise! Let's go! Come on, Jet! Now! Ed keeps yelling something about a promise? Some promises are made to be broken, in fact most of them are! Now come on, lift off! Not coming for Ed.
Oh la la.
Why are we going down there, what's going on?! Just what did you promise the kid, Faye?! She promised Ed! That Ed could become a real member of Bebop! Hi, amigos! Welcome, bounty hunters! Shucks howdy! It's finally time for Big Shot! First, today's hot news.
Y'all heard about that renegade land carving satellite, right? Of course! It got caught with a big bounty on it.
Well, just a few minutes ago, the Earth Police released a report.
- What'd it say? - Let's see.
The term "bounty" is legal context only applied to humans or other life forms.
Though there is some controversy regarding the state of computers as life forms, legal precedent is clear.
Biological logistics rejects the assertion-- Roundup time, sugar.
What does it all mean? It's bad news.
They won't pay no bounty on no computer, no how! Ah! To the guys who caught it, my heart goes out to you.
Jet, do you know that there are three things that I particularly hate? Really.
Kids, animals, and women with attitudes.
So tell me, Jet.
Why do we have all three of them neatly gathered in our ship?! Ed loves piyokos! And once again, we get no bounty.
Not a single Woolong.
Hey, you're a girl! Like I said, nothing good ever comes from Earth.
Aishiteta to nageku ni wa Amari ni mo toki wa sugite shimatta Mada kokoro no hokorobi o Iyasenu mama kaze ga fuiteru Kawaita hitomi de dareka naite kure The real folk blues Hontou no kanashimi ga shiritai dake Doro no kawa ni tsukatta Jinsei mo waruku wa nai Ichido kiri de owarunara No regrets about the woman who ran away, but a small thorn still pricks the heart.
Letting one flow along with time itself, living all alone from that day to this.
But to the sounds of waves that come and go, the migrating birds find their hearts drawn.
Next episode: "Ganymede Elegy.
" Jet Black will sing it up with soul.