Cowboy Bebop (1998) s01e22 Episode Script

Cowboy Funk

1 I think it's time to blow this scene Get everybody and the stuff together OK, 3-2-1, let's jam Think you forgot this.
But what would an old fart like me be doing with a stuffed toy? And I don't have any rugrats either.
But I didn't say it was yours, now did I? Yeah, it's a customer's.
A kid probably lost it.
Hey, listen, the evening's young, and I know a rockin' joint.
Care to join me and check it out? I hit the sack early.
I'm not a night person.
It's a first-rate hotel that offers free bodyguard service and meals.
The place has every amenity.
One could live there.
I'm sure they require reservations.
Nope, you don't need one for Hotel Prison Teddy Bomber.
Nice offer, but I'll pass, Spike Spiegel.
Oh, you know me? Anyone who has a price on his head knows who you are.
We dread getting caught by either you or Andy.
Andy? I'm finishing what I set out to do.
Sorry, pal.
No fireworks today.
'Cause I pulled the ignition pin out.
Three million, pal.
Those Woolongs are mine.
There's more than one bear.
You'll be killed too.
Well, nobody lives forever.
Why do you wanna blow everything up? Because, Spiegel, that's how I deliver a warning.
I'm sounding the alarm.
Alerting the masses.
You'd better listen up while you still can Hm? Andy! Andy? You can call me Wyatt Earp.
Reach for the sky, Teddy Bomber! Who, me? I figured that you'd plant an explosive here today.
It wasn't difficult after I studied your crime patterns, and profiled your criminal mind.
That's your serial bomber, there! Yeah, right, that old security guard.
But look at his face, Andy! Faces are too unreliable to count on, nowadays.
Then what do you rely on? Well, my gut instinct.
And inspiration.
Hey, come back here! Wa-hoo! You're all doomed! Ah, shit.
I told you that was Teddy Bomber, you idiot! Do you have any idea-- Let's ride! Phee-yew! That one was mighty close.
Hyah! Giddup! - Horse, you say? - Horse.
A horse, huh? I thought it sounded kind of fishy when you said you'd nab him while you were out foraging.
What do you mean? I mean you spent all our food money, didn't you? - I what? - What'd you blow it on? If I'm lying, then how the hell do you explain this on my back? OK, OK, chill.
- I totally buy the horse.
- You do? But you're lacking creativity in the cowboy character.
He's lame.
Yeah, maybe that's the problem.
Perhaps if he was a samurai instead.
Now that I wouldn't question! Here he is, Little Andy! He was registered as a member of the YMCA! - How about that? - He's a Christian? No, not that Y.
The Young Men's Cowboy Association.
I've never heard of that one before.
But he got kicked out shortly after he joined.
- The reason? - For being a nuisance to others! That figures.
Andy von de Oniyate He's the heir to the Oniyate Ranch! And he's pretty handsome.
Damage to private property: 123 counts.
Damage to public property: 89 counts, numerous injury victims.
He sure reminds me of someone.
- See? He exists! - All right, all right! Anything? No, not yet.
However We can't chance an explosion with all these people around.
He's only targeting the building.
Murder isn't part of his M.
You sure about that? His type is more concerned with aesthetics.
Well, he couldn't pick a better place to hide than a masquerade party.
There's a serial bomber coming tonight, you know.
Oh, really? I wasn't aware of that.
Oh, he'll be here.
My man! It's all about making love and peace in the world, sugar bear.
H-How did you know it was me? This baby showed us the way to papa.
Yeah, and the teddy bear suit wasn't a tip-off at all.
Jeez, you guys don't know when to quit, do you? Look who's talking.
What's with your bomb obsession, baby? You wanna know? I'm here to bring a warning to the world.
Listen, heed these words.
The root of all evil is-- A horse! A cowboy! I know that's you, Teddy Bomber! Who, me? - I told you.
- Or is it you? Are you brain-dead, or what?! We met each other yesterday! Hmm I don't recollect.
Why, you-- Excuse me, sir, horses aren't allowed in here.
And it's quite disturbing for our guests.
Ah-ha, but my Onyx is no ordinary steed.
She's a good compadre who eases my mind and plays a decent game of chess.
- Horses can't play chess! - Who cares? If it's one thing I hate, it's being ignored! What happened to aesthetics? Calm down! Calm down, folks! Remember peace and love! - My, what a lovely animal.
- You like horses, ma'am? How about a ride? Sure, my pleasure.
You-- I've never before in my entire life seen such a total lack of taste.
Prepare for a treat.
This is my own special recipe called Son of a Gun Stew.
Mmm, it'll sure blaze a trail.
So why would a man like you become a bounty hunter? Since you're so rich-- I mean, you have such a comfortable lifestyle.
That's true.
But why? I'd have to say because it suits me.
Uh-huh? And boy, what a rush! Like a cowboy cornering a bull! But seriously, such a dangerous line of work seems unnecessary.
Now I understand why no one goes after Teddy Bomber.
Nobody wants to get his butt blown off in some damn explosion.
Well, we can't worry about that.
Man I can't worry about that.
When my mind is set, well, I'm wearing blinders! Nothing else matters! The personality is way too familiar - Hm? - Oh, nothing! Now Why don't we drink to me and my reflection in your lovely eyes.
- Cheers.
- Yeah, cheers.
Brought you a souvenir.
Yee-haw! Souvenir! Souvenir! I'm not gonna eat this can of crap.
- But it's all we've got.
- I'd rather starve.
You'll be sorry.
Andy really pushes your buttons.
What is it about him that gets you so bent? I know why he hates the guy.
They're too much alike.
What part of me could be anything like that stupid ass?! The part that makes you so damn troublesome.
Hey, we're missing Big Shot.
It's already on.
Our final news item is on Ted Bower, the Teddy Bomber, a.
TB sent a letter to our station to read on our show.
What?! Are you kidding me?! Um here we go.
"A warning.
" "All of you who put me down and laughed at me," "the job I do next is your last chance.
" "This time, I will blow you up as well like fireworks!" Shucks howdy, that's a rather harsh tone! "Unless you can figure out what my next target will be.
Ha, ha, ha.
" "Lastly, I shall tell you my purpose for doing this.
" Oops! Well, Judy, it seems we've run out of time.
That's it for today! I'm sorry I couldn't read all of it, TB! Till next time, folks! Good luck! - He's gonna blow up City Hall.
- You know already? Targets have been by height, starting with the tallest building.
Really, it was something as simple as that? I'm out.
I don't want this one.
Yeah, I'm gonna pass too.
Spike, what about you? Like you have to ask! They're late! Damn them! Those fools are sadly mistaken if they think they'll get away with this! You alone? How dare you insult me by showing up late! Wait.
Damn, it's the wrong guy.
You know, it has never been my intention to murder anyone.
But in your case, I'll make an exception! - Bastards like you deserve to be-- - Shh.
He's here.
So you again.
Finally remembered me, huh? - You're always-- - You're always, always butting in! - Stay outta my way! - What? You're the one who's always in the way! Now that I have both of you gentlemen here together, I will explain my reason for blowing up things.
- The reason is-- - Let's settle this, once and for all! - Fellas? - Dammit, you stole my line! - Why won't you listen to me?! - Shut up! What do you want? Who are you? Why can't you take me seriously?! - Shit, we gotta catch him first! - Wait! Come on! You fellas have grossly underestimated me.
That elevator door is never going to open again.
Soon the car will start moving, and that will be the end! It won't stop until it arrives at the top floor.
There, my adorable little teddy bears are waiting to greet you.
And at the very moment the elevator reaches them? Boom! Let me leave you with a word of advice.
Enjoy the rest of your lives without regret.
Good luck.
Now, don't panic.
I'm one step ahead of old Teddy Bomber.
Rest assured, I know exactly how his mind works.
I knew that he would alter the secret emergency access code, so I reverted it this afternoon.
Yah! But I reverted it this afternoon! If I did, and you did That means it's back to what it was! Stop it, you moron! Wha-- What do we do?! Oh no! It's too tight! - Idiot! We're stuck! - Let me through! Get outta my way! Fond farewell.
Come to think of it, they were a pair of truly brave young men.
They're climbing up.
Like a couple of monkeys.
I guess they like to be up high.
Scary how similar they are.
- Can we leave now? - Yeah, all right.
I just have to drop this guy off first.
You don't even deserve to stand in the shadow of a cowboy.
You're one person who I could never forgive.
You win.
That was some punch! I see now that you're the real cowboy.
As of today, I retire from the job.
My hat's off to you, partner.
So what are you gonna do now? I have no doubt I'll find some new career.
See you space cowboy.
It was only a rich boy's hobby.
He was on a different level, or should I say, out of his league with me.
Hey, are you listening? Yeah, yeah Andy wasn't my adversary after all.
Of course, I never really had anything personal against the guy.
Yow-wee! Ya-haw! Ya-haw! Ya-hoo! - Hey, are you listening? - Yeah, yeah Well, anyway What were you trying to achieve by blowing everything up? I only wanted to send out a warning against the needless waste created by capitalism without philosophy.
The needless colonization of planets.
The needless circulation of slanted media.
And needlessly tall buildings that symbolize all of this! You see, by destroying these monoliths, I intended to remind the world what the pioneering spirit is truly about-- Wait, wait, wait! Andy! Call me Musashi! Go, Jiroumaru! But then it was all needless too, wasn't it.
Aishiteta to nageku ni wa Amari ni mo toki wa sugite shimatta Mada kokoro no hokorobi o Iyasenu mama kaze ga fuiteru Kawaita hitomi de dareka naite kure The real folk blues Hontou no kanashimi ga shiritai dake Doro no kawa ni tsukatta Jinsei mo waruku wa nai Ichido kiri de owarunara So did everyone catch me in action this past episode? Hey, wait a minute! Now about the next episode Why are you doing the preview? Once again, I, Andy, will be the man in action.
You had your turn already! Now that I've become a space samurai, I will slice up the cowboys one by one! I said, you're not coming back! Next time on Cowboy Bebop: "Andy's Counterattack!" That's not the right title!