Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s03e04 Episode Script

Josh's Ex-Girlfriend is Crazy

1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend I need to confront my ex-fiancé, who jilted me at the altar seconds before our wedding two weeks ago.
I want everyone to hear all of the terrible things he did to me and all the terrible things he made me do.
She admitted she moved here just to stalk me.
I'm telling you, Rebecca's crazy.
The only person who sounds crazy right now is you.
BRAH: Hey, Paula.
It's me, Father Brah.
We have an emergency.
- It's about Rebecca.
- Instead of prison, she was sentenced to a psychiatric hospital.
PAULA: Oh, my God.
It's like we never really knew her.
Yeah, you're screwed.
I feel things for you.
I got to get the hell out of town.
NATHANIEL: I'll take you wherever you want to go.
Thank you for saving me.
HEATHER: Rebecca, wait.
Paula called.
You cannot leave.
Uh, just, uh, run! Just go around her.
- It's fine.
Just go around her.
- What? Okay.
- Giddy-up! Giddy-up, horsey! - No, I'm serious.
- All right, she's in my way now.
- You cannot go.
Rebecca, wait.
We need to talk about this.
We know everything that happened.
About Robert, your arrest, your stay in the hospital.
Hos La, la, la Hospi La, la, la, la, la Just Nathaniel, it's fine.
Just ignore them.
Just-just-just barrel on through.
- Let's go to Roma.
Come on.
- PAULA: Look.
Obviously, there's something going on between you two.
I mean, you're doing an Officer and a Gentleman type of thing.
- But now is not the time.
- Okay, it's fine.
Nathaniel, buddy, trust me.
This is a lot more complicated than it seems.
Okay, Rebecca, I don't know what's going on.
It's What-what happened is they're they're-they're being histrionic because they found out something about my past, because, you know, you don't tell everyone everything about your past all the time, and now they they all just, like, hate me, and they're here to yell at me.
No, no, no.
Honey, no.
No one is gonna yell at you.
And-and we don't hate you.
I mean, not at all.
We we love you.
And now now that we know everything, there's-there's no need to hide.
I mean, we all came because we want to make sure that you're okay.
And Father Brah recommended a doctor, a good one, and I want to take you there.
What do you mean, "a doctor"? What is it? Is this some kind of intervention? What is this? PAULA: No, no, it is not.
It is not an intervention.
It's a, it's a convention of loved ones.
No, no, it's not, because-because I know that Josh gave you those papers.
Yes, well, he's worried about you.
He's not worried about me.
No, he's not worried about me.
I saw you.
Paula, I just saw you with him.
I-I listened to your messages, and I heard Father Brah's voice mail.
"Ooh, something's wrong with Rebecca.
Don't tell Rebecca.
" And so I went to the office and I saw you conspiring with Josh.
So (chuckles) God, what, are you, like, best friends with Josh now? - No.
- Is that it? He's, like, your bestie now? - He's worried about me? Is that it? - Honey, no, no, no, no.
No, I see what this is.
You guys aren't here to help me.
You're here to, like, put me away and get me out of your lives.
You want me to just shut up and calm down, and that I shouldn't think about Josh.
Well, you know what, I'm done.
No, I'm not falling for this fake intervention-convention.
I know my rights.
You can't put me away without my consent.
Nathaniel, pick me back up.
Pick me back up.
Come on.
- Rebecca, hang on.
- Pick me back up.
Rebecca, I don't really know what's going on right now.
You, too, Nathaniel? Huh.
No, I get it.
You've been, you've been texting with them this whole time, haven't you? You've been texting and plotting with everyone, right? You're a traitor, just like them.
You're all traitors, and that's what the whole "Run away with me to Rome" was, right? Okay.
Rebecca, Rebecca, you need to calm down.
- Don't tell me to calm down.
- VALENCIA: Rebecca.
We're not trying to hurt you, okay? What Paula told us is upsetting.
It's upsetting.
Hey, Valencia, you know what's upsetting? Um, forcing your dream wedding on someone else because no one wants to actually marry you.
Whoa, that's mean.
It's okay, Valencia.
She didn't mean it.
She's just projecting her feelings of insecurity and upset onto you 'cause she feels trapped.
Oh, words of wisdom from the community college student.
How unexpected.
Heather, um, you're pathetic.
You know that? Yeah.
You're pathetic.
'Cause you were so desperate to stay in school, they had to kick you out.
Who does that? You're just you're a fraud.
DARRYL: Excuse me.
Would it be inappropriate if I went to the bathroom right now? My stomach really hurts.
Darryl, what is wrong with you? Were you kicked in the head by a horse? Seriously, it is laughable that you're my boss.
Oh, God, I wish you hadn't said anything 'cause it's so easy to take you down.
Hmm? Honey bunny, Honey Bunches of Oats, your boyfriend does not want a baby with you.
Read the tea leaves, 'cause they're not tea leaves.
It's a big neon sign that says, "No baby.
" PAULA: Okay, honey, just take a breath.
You're not thinking straight.
(chuckles): Oh, I'm not thinking straight.
Why? 'Cause I'm crazy? - No.
- 'Cause I'm crazy, Paula? (laughs) You know what? I'm nothing compared to you, Paula.
Yeah, you guys know about your ringleader here? How out of her mind she is? Oh, you haven't told them? Hmm? Have you told them? Have you not told them about the hidden cameras and the tracking devices, fake car accident? Hmm? Yeah? You know what? If I'm crazy, you made me crazier, because you made me do terrible things because your life is broken and boring.
- Oh, come on, Cookie.
- And don't call me Cookie! I hate that name.
I hate it.
It's like you think I'm your daughter or something, but I'm not.
Stop treating me like I'm your daughter.
It is pathetic.
Why don't you go home to your real family for a change? So, yeah.
You know.
It's, like, before you tell me to help myself, maybe you should, like, help yourselves.
Bunch out! Hi, Josh.
It's me.
You know, Josh, you've done some crappy things, but handing over damaging personal information to my friends, I mean, that's low.
You know what? You're scum, Josh.
You're scum.
Anyway, call me.
It's Rebecca Bunch.
Straight to voice mail again, of course.
Yeah, hi, you know, I really need to talk to you.
'Cause here's the thing, you can't treat people like this.
Do you hear me? You can't treat people like this.
Have you no decency, sir? Again, it's Rebecca Bunch.
Call me.
- Pick up! Pick up for my face! - (line ringing) Pick up! Pick up! Pick up for my face! Look at my face, Josh.
Look at my face! Look at my face! Look at my face! Look at my face! Wow.
That was awful.
I mean, I knew she was gonna be upset, but that was just way worse than I thought.
I got to go find her.
Wait, Paula.
Look, I've been to a lot of interventions in my life How many times do I have to tell you it was not an intervention? You're right.
It wasn't.
It was kind of a giant, last-minute mess.
No offense.
Anyways, when you do an intervention, they always tell you, you don't chase after the person.
They have to want help.
Look, I don't know why you guys are so worked up.
You ganged up on her.
Of course she's upset.
She'll come back when she cools off.
And how do you know that? Hmm, I know her pretty well.
Okay? We did it.
One night, but two times that night.
Listen, I'm trying to say I know her better than all of you guys, okay? And yeah, she's zany, but in a cute way.
Dude, catch up.
You're behind.
Okay, I'm not just gonna stand here.
Okay? I-I've got to go find her before she hurts herself.
Or hurts someone else.
I mean, she did try to burn her ex's house down.
It says so in those papers.
- It says what? - DARRYL: Hurt someone? No! I mean, come on.
She's just going through a rough time.
It's still our Rebecca.
She's a sweet person.
She would never, ever hurt anyone.
(horror music sting plays) MAN (Danish accent): Excuse me.
Can I have my hunting knife back? Yes.
I saw it sticking out of your bag.
It's so sharp and scary I love it.
You know what they say, no one likes jagged reindeer meat.
(laughing) (chuckles) Yeah.
I am Jarl, from Denmark.
Miss, do you think the famous people might be staying here? I want to meet the stars of Hollywood Scarlett Johansson, Viggo Mortensen, Erika Christensen.
So you you came to a youth hostel in West Covina just to meet Danish-American movie stars? Ja.
Them and Pauly Shore.
(chuckles) That guy.
(chuckles) God, you know, I do love Erika Christensen though.
- Right? - Oh, my God, she's so good in the movie Swimfan.
- Ja.
- I just recently watched it, like, eight times.
And I saw the director's cut, with 20 minutes more swimming.
- What?! - It's amazing.
And Erika Christensen just kicks ass in that movie.
Oh, yes.
"His biggest fan just - became his worst nightmare.
" - "Just became his worst nightmare!" Yes! Yes.
Oh, my God.
Erika Christensen is so strong and brave in that movie.
I mean, I-I know she's technically the villain and a "murderer.
" But, you know what, she is treated so unfairly.
- Yes.
- Like, he-he tells her that he cares about her and then casts her aside, like she's garbage.
I mean, I totally get it.
It's how my ex is treating me right now.
Well, maybe you should drown him in the deep end.
(laughs): Oh.
Maybe I should, Jarl.
(both laughing) - Maybe I should, Jarl.
- (horror music sting plays) Jarl, Jarl, that's exactly what I should do! Oh, my God! That's what I've been needing to do this whole time.
Go full Christensen! God! Oh, my God.
You are so smart, man.
Oh, you get me.
You support me in a way no one else does.
Thank you.
- This feels fast.
- The truth is, I've been wanting to go after Josh for weeks now, but it was my friends Well, my former friends; you know, you're my only real friend, Jarl Who were holding me back with their (mocking voice): common sense and moral compass.
- Ugh.
- I mean, that's why I'm off the grid.
That's why I'm here, so they can't find me.
I'm not answering their calls either.
Ha-ha! Now they're out of the picture, and Rebecca Bunch is free to do whatever she wants.
And what I want is for Josh Chan to feel as hurt and as powerless and as vulnerable as I do.
And, Jarl, I will not stop (chuckles) until he gets on his knees, screams at the sky and wishes he'd never been born.
You have the anger of a much taller woman.
Oh, I am angry, Jarl.
I'm seven-feet-tall angry.
(echoing): And I have every right to be.
- (sultry, dramatic music playing) - - Scary, scary, sexy lady - Angry, scary, sexy lady - Angry like a witch - - But sexy like a sexy witch - - Scary, scary, sexy lady - Angry, angry, sexy, scary lady - Scorned like a lady - And angry like a lady scorned Wearing high heels And a short skirt made of murder - A trench coat made of pain - She's walking down an alleyway High heels made of daggers And eyes made of daggers, too She's here to chop your penis off.
(horror music sting plays) (horror music sting plays) LOURDES: Someone at church asked me about you suddenly coming back from the seminary, and I said, "Bridget Washburn, who are you to judge? - Your daughter is a whore.
" - Lourdes! It's not hyperbole.
She's an escort.
No shame in it.
She bought a condo and paid for Bridget's gastric bypass.
Josh, honey, I feel for you.
Coming home can't be easy.
You have lots of messes to clean up.
I mean, I guess so.
It's a shame.
I miss Rebecca.
I made a place in my heart for another daughter.
Did you two smooth things over? She was so in love with you.
She must be so disappointed, right? (clears throat) She's a-a bit disappointed.
- Um, she left a few.
couple messages.
- Oh.
But, um, I think we should, um, just give each other a little space right now.
Anyways, I don't really want to talk about it.
I just want to move on.
That's very wise.
No, I got to start making some more mature decisions.
Taking myself seriously.
This morning, I called Alex, asked him for my job back, he said okay, and when I get there, I'm gonna ask for that raise I deserve.
(scoffs) Disappear and ask for a raise.
- Seems like a good plan.
- Thanks, Dad.
I want to focus on my future right now.
All the good things ahead of me.
- (loud thump) - Oh, my God, what was that? Joseph! I've been telling you to get that jacaranda trimmed.
Slapping the window again.
Oh, God, I-I thought that was that was like out of a scary movie or something.
(chuckles) (Josh and Lourdes laugh) (mocking laugh) That's right.
Laugh it off, Channy Boy.
I'm coming for you.
VALENCIA: You know, Rebecca better watch out how she talks to me, because I don't even care, I will take out these hoop earrings and yank a pony.
Oh, come on, you can't take what she said personally.
She's not in her right mind.
Which is exactly why I'm here.
She's so lucky she cray.
Oh, come on.
I am so frustrated.
I mean, I tried to track her, but, you know, she turned off the location services on her phone, and she doesn't have her car that I put the GPS on, and the tracker I put in her shoulder - ran out of batteries months ago.
- What? Oh, it's just a little "boop.
" They don't even feel it.
You have one.
But don't worry, - it's dead, too.
- Wait, what? Oh, my God.
I-I'm sorry.
Look, when we became friends, I-I meant to tell you.
Before you and Josh broke up, Rebecca and I were on a full-on sabotage mission.
I tracked you, I hacked your stuff, I may have blackmailed some people in your life for information, but I am not proud of it.
- Paula! - I know, I know.
But I just wanted Rebecca's love story to to work out.
I'm sorry.
Do you forgive me? God, this sucks.
I mean I thought you guys were my friends, and you were manipulating me the whole time.
We were manipulating you, but then we were-n't.
(sighs) Okay, look, I am just as surprised as you are that you and I are friends.
I mean, you are literally the girl I hated in high school.
But I am your friend now, and I love you, and Rebecca is your friend and she loves you, and female friendships are very strange, and I just stop complaining.
Because we have to help Rebecca now, even if you think she deserves a yank on the pony.
Now let's go.
(sighs) (groans) (phone ringing) (ringing continues) Hello? Who is this? How did you get this number? This is a private line.
I got it on my 13th birth (swing creaking) Rebecca Rebecca! - Rebecca? - Rebecca Hey Thanks so much for coming out, you guys.
because this has been a hard night Yeah, this whole thing totally sounds like an intervention I went to five of those for my uncle.
Last one was actually an intervention because he couldn't stop watching Intervention on A&E.
I mean, it worked, but then he moved on to Hoarders.
Now he's got, like, 80 of those on his DVR.
And, you guessed it, he will not delete them.
They're just piling up.
You know what? Just realized I'm gonna have to intervene again.
I have crazy relatives, but all we do is talk about them when they leave, like a normal family.
It was a really tough conversation.
Rebecca was obviously very upset.
She started saying crazy things.
Like, out of the blue, she was like, "Oh, White Josh does not want to have a baby with you," which is crazy because well, one: how would she know that? And two: you said you would consider it, right? So she's way off.
You said you would consider it, right? - Yeah-huh.
- Yep.
Yeah, uh, I think I see Heather up there.
Might just run up, see how she's doing.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, Hector, you got to stay.
Ain't no search party like a Hector search party.
You're great at this.
In high school, you found that girl who drank all that Sambuca and passed out in her neighbor's yard, remember? Oh, yeah, Susie Reynolds.
You know she's a state senator now? No way, I thought she was an escort.
No, that's Angie Washburn.
Oh, right.
Joshua, if you're not really considering the baby and you're just humoring me Oh, boy.
Darryl I'm out.
Heather, wait up.
(quietly): Yeah I can't get over this.
I had no idea this was in her past.
It's a big blow.
I guess I'm partly to blame, 'cause I'm the one who told you to go for it with her.
I got too involved in your personal life.
I regret it.
Now can we go back to the restaurant? Because we are waiting for a lava cake.
Yeah, they said it would take 20 minutes, and we've been here for 30, so NATHANIEL: You know what? I'm sorry.
I feel terrible.
I interrupted your date, which you're paying for with the money I give you every week! You're right.
Let's stay.
I don't even really want lava cake.
I do.
I do, too.
(exhales) - Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Glad I saw you.
I had to get away from White Josh and Darryl.
Man Ugh.
Well, you can walk with me.
I'm not actually looking for Rebecca, because you can't fix people who don't want to be helped, - but - Hmm.
swinging a flashlight around is fun.
So Velma.
I'm totally a Shaggy.
(laughs): Oh, my God, you totally are, so (coyote howls) Oh.
I'm sorry.
No, I liked it.
Your arms are really smooth.
Do you depilate? I do not.
Just naturally silky.
Good for surfing.
I do shave the hair around my nipples.
I mean, who doesn't? (coyote howls) Okay, that actually kind of freaked me out, so hold me, Silky Arms.
(howling continues) (gasps) (panting) Rebecca! Rebecca! I know this is you! Stop it! Leave me alone! I'm not gonna let you get to me, you hear me? I'm not afraid of you.
(grunts) (laughing quietly) REBECCA: So I'm totally getting to him, and he's totally afraid of me It's great! Jarl.
Hey, hey, hey.
Wake up, Jarlsberg.
I'm trying to tell you something important.
I am tired.
You woke me up in the middle of the night.
I have to get up early to go to the Autry Museum of the American West.
What? Don't go there.
It's just a bunch of pictures of Roy Rogers.
You mean Gene Autry? Who cares? Anyway, Jarl.
You won't believe what's happening.
So I have decided to reenact every great revenge movie ever made, and it's ugh! It is so good to see Josh squirm.
But what happens after you do all these scary things to him? I-I don't know.
I-I feel better, I guess? No.
You die.
- (horror music sting plays) - Whoa, what? That's how every one of these movies ends.
Stabbing, shooting, drowning.
The monster has to be killed.
Once you start this, skagget I postkassen.
Huh? You have a beard in your mailbox.
That doesn't clarify anything.
It means you are about to be caught.
And when you are caught, you are killed.
(horror music sting plays) No.
That-that's No.
That's-that's not how my movie has to end.
No, no.
I am independently financed in my own mind.
Jarl, don't you see? This story is not just about blind evil revenge, this is, this is about retribution.
And redistribution of misery.
Making Josh feel like I've felt my whole life.
Wait, you were unhappy before you met him? Then how is this his fault? What? He exploited that unhappiness! He-he took his normal and rubbed it in my face.
So what I am hearing is, it's not really about Josh, per Se.
Josh is more a symbol of effortless normalcy from which you always felt excluded.
(horror music sting plays) No, it's about Josh.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
You're not making any sense.
Although your English is fantastic, so I mean, bravo, Danish school system.
(scoffs) (groans) So, we crapped out.
We can't find her.
Now what do we do? Guys, I'm telling you.
She's either gonna come back or she's not.
We just have to face that.
I mean, she probably just took an Uber to the outlets or something.
That's where I would go if I turned on all my friends.
- I'm a real outlet girl.
- I feel so terrible.
I mean, I failed as a best friend and matron of honor.
And a parent, I guess.
Wait, do you guys agree with Rebecca? Do you think I'm a bad mom? BOTH (high-pitched): Uh Oh, two-part harmony bad? - Really? - VALENCIA: Truth? You're not the most attentive parent.
Brendan's my weed guy.
He's starting a business? That's great! What? Not the right response? NATHANIEL: Hey, can you guys keep it down? (grunts) Penny and George are asleep.
They're so beat.
Who? What? Why are you in my house? Rebecca could come back here.
I have to wait for her.
I called the police, but apparently we can't report her missing for another 36 hours, because she's just a person who walked out of her own house.
(blows raspberry) Anyway, shh.
- Right.
- Okay.
Well, I guess I'll just keep trying to call her, and check the tracker, in case she slips up.
Speaking of which, I am gonna go see the doctor, get this tracker out of my shoulder.
- What? - PAULA: Suit yourself, but I just think you should get a new battery, 'cause if you get human trafficked, you'll be glad you have it.
Cool, cool.
That all sounds terrifying.
Anyways, I'm gonna go get breakfast with Hector to distract myself from the fact that Rebecca was right.
I am an aimless cynic who has no plans for my future.
Um, and I do have to do something about that at some point, in my life, like, for sure.
But right now, I'm just gonna go get breakfast burritos with Hector and his sweet, sweet ass.
Okay, bye.
Thank you so much for giving me my job back.
You know, while I was up in priest school - Preschool? - Priest school.
That makes sense.
So, I've really been thinking a lot lately, and I'm worth a lot more than Bro, I got to stop you.
First, I think you're about to ask for a raise after I graciously gave you your job back, so way to go on the cojones.
But, dude, I've got a problem.
I got an anonymous tip about you.
I didn't know there was a tip jar for the back office assistant managers.
People are so thoughtful.
Someone called with some information about you.
You want to explain why I found all this in your locker? Alex, come on.
I-I didn't do that.
Dude, I don't steal.
Wait, anonymous information tip? Bro, I-I know who it is.
I-I know who called you.
S-She's coming after me really hard right now.
She-she planted all that stuff in there.
I believe you.
- (sighs) - I don't know.
I still have to suspend you.
- Wait, what? No - Yeah.
Corporate is uptight.
They don't like stealing.
It's weird.
Sorry, bro.
Pack your flip-flops and go.
(groans) Oh, this is where I left my flip-flops.
Well, that's an upside.
REBECCA: Hi, Josh.
Where's your mom? You might want to check.
Hope Lourdes is okay.
Lourdes, it's so wonderful that we get to spend some time together.
I know! (chuckles) - Shall we? - My pleasure.
I think this will be a day that you'll never forget.
(chuckles) (both laugh) (Laughs) I used to come here every year with Josh and the girls.
They grew up and lost interest in carnivals, but I still love them.
Oh, me, too.
I'm never too old for a good carnival.
(carousel playing "I Give Good Parent") You know, Lourdes, one of the things I really regret about everything that's happened is I'll never get to be your daughter-in-law.
Oh, I know.
And I did think you would be a good influence on Joshy.
Oh, I tried, I really did, but sometimes you never know what people are capable of.
- Hmm.
- Hey.
- You want to ride the Death Drop? - Oh, it's my favorite! - Completely in the dark.
- Exactly.
Anything can happen on that ride.
- Mm.
- Hmm? You know what? Even though most of me is still worried about Rebecca, this is fun.
You guys are not too terrible.
I'm glad you're here with us, Paula.
Come on.
We're a hell of a lot better than Rebecca.
And she's a psycho.
I don't know why it took you guys so long to figure that out.
- Good boobs, though.
- Brendan, be respectful.
Beautiful breasts.
- Oh, my God.
- Mom, I'm almost a grown man.
No, no, no.
That's not it.
I just (Lourdes and Rebecca laughing) That looks like Like who? No, I-I just thought I saw Rebecca with Josh's mom, but I couldn't have seen that.
That's not possible.
Wow, I guess I still have Rebecca on the brain.
TOMMY: Yeah, you must.
Hey, since you seem kind of distracted, can I get a tattoo? Just a small blueprint of the local prison.
Yeah, okay.
Where is she?! (children's laughter echoing) Josh.
Dad told me you brought my mom here.
You seem upset, Josh.
What's wrong? You kidnapped my mother.
What? I did no such thing.
We're just having a little fun.
She doesn't know who you are.
What you're capable of.
I do.
You're completely unhinged.
I've had it with you, you hear me? This is enough.
You don't mess with my family.
Oh, but it's okay for you to mess with my life? Huh? You have still not apologized or explained about what happened between us.
I've called you 37 times, texted you 84 times, and nothing.
You couldn't even do me the common courtesy of getting back to me.
So you kidnap my mother? Do you understand how crazy that is? You're crazy! Where's my mother, Rebecca? Where?! REBECCA: What are you gonna do, Josh, huh? Are you gonna kill me? You gonna push me into this hole at this janky-ass carnival? Where is my mother?! Josh, just relax, okay? I've had it.
I'm sick and tired of you.
I want you out of my life! Oh, God.
(children's laughter echoing) - (woman screaming) - JARL: You die.
Oh! Whoa! (panting) Damn it, Rebecca! Lourdes is right there.
She's getting a caramel apple.
(panting) I'd never hurt your mother.
God, okay, look.
I'm sorry.
Okay? I'm sorry.
I know I got carried away, but I was just trying to get your attention.
I was just trying to get you to notice me.
So now that now that we're here, let's just have a conversation.
Okay? Let's just, let's Can we, can we please talk to each other like humans? I mean, God, we've been in each other's lives for so long, there's so much between us, you-you can't just throw it away like it means nothing.
If you ever, ever, get near me or anyone I care about ever again, I'm calling the police.
No, no.
You can't do this.
Because I-I I don't know who I am if you're not in my life anymore.
Leave me alone.
(knocking on door) (crying): Hi.
Um, I need you.
I need help.
Oh, honey, it's okay, it's okay.
I need my mom.
What? What's wrong? We shouldn't keep cake in there.
Oh, my God, I must've fallen asleep while I was studying.
I just had the most scary, vivid dream.
It's Rebecca.
She's in trouble, I just know it.
She's about to hit rock bottom.
I can feel it.
I have to do something.
(country music playing over speakers) What can I get you? Um Gin and tonic, and, um, extra strong.
Got it.
You know, I had a friend who used to come here.
He worked at a a different bar, but he would do his study drinking here.
(drink pouring) Whenever I was out of options, he was always there.
I remember that guy.
The one that was always talking about Emory.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's where he is.
- (laughs) I'm so lost, man.
It's like, I don't I don't know what story I'm in anymore, you know? (phone ringing, vibrating) Hmm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Look, look, look, look.
It's Emory.
- It-it's the guy.
He knew that I needed him! He just, he knew! On some primal level, deep down Greg, hi, hi.
Greg? Greg, I'm here.
Gregory? Oh, man.
Butt dial? (sighs) Greg, Greg? Hey.
Hey, Greg, can you hear me? I really need you right now.
It's Rebecca.
I-I hear you ordering a cheeseburger, Greg! Greg, pick up! Greg? (crying): Greg? (sobs softly) He doesn't want me.
Nobody wants me.
I've-I've officially alienated every person I know.
This can't be the way things end.
All of my time in West Covina, it can't just end with me sitting alone at this crappy bar.
I worked my whole life to own this place.
It's my dream.
Oh, my God.
That's-that's old Greg.
Uh, it's Greg's dad, Marco.
I got, I got I got to go say hello to him.
(clears throat) Hi.
- Oh, boy.
- No, don't get up.
Okay? I'm leaving soon.
I know you hate me.
Everyone does.
I I don't know, I just wanted to say hello.
I don't know why.
- Ah.
You been boozing, huh? - No.
I'm not really a boozer, unlike your drunky son who just butt-dialed me.
So, how, uh How is that guy, anyway? What, you haven't heard? What? He's drinking again? He flunked out? He's bald? He's sad? He's fat? He's fat and bald and sad? No, he's sober.
And he, uh, fell madly in love with a girl in his class.
(giggles) Um (clears throat) What? Yeah.
What's, um, what's her first and last name, and just in case it's common, what's her middle name? Oh, no, you don't.
No, no, no.
For the first time in his life, he's really doing great.
He's-he's really content.
He's happy.
(echoing): happy.
Cool, that's great.
Okay, so everyone just gets to be happy, except for me.
Got it.
Come on.
I'm not worried about you.
You know, you're a smart broad, you got a nice figure.
You'll be fine.
Really? 'Cause sometimes, I Sometimes, I really think I'm not gonna be fine.
You're gonna bounce right back from whatever it is you're going through.
Trust me.
Why are you being nice? I thought you hated me, and thought I was, like, crazy.
(chuckles) Aren't we all? (both grunting) Hello, Naomi? It's me, Paula.
Don't hang up.
Look, I know you don't like me, and I don't like you very much, and we're very different people, but we both love Rebecca.
And, you know, the thing is, I've-I've kind of been her surrogate mother for a while, but you're her actual mother, and she needs you.
She needs help.
(macaws chirping) (grunts) (whispers): No.
So this is the end of the movie Whoa, whoa, whoa But real life isn't a movie No, no, no You want things to be wrapped up neatly The way that stories do You're looking for answers But answers aren't - looking for you - Because life is a gradual series of revelations That occur over a period of time It's not some carefully crafted story It's a mess, and we're all gonna die If you saw a movie that was like real life You'd be like "What the hell was that movie about? It was really all over the place" Life doesn't make narrative sense Nuh-uh You don't want to have a baby, do you? No, I don't think so.
What are we gonna do? I don't know.
We tell ourselves that we're in a movie Whoa, whoa, whoa Each one of us thinks we got the starring role Role, role, role But the truth is sometimes you're the lead And sometimes you're an extra Just walking by in the background Like me, Josh Groban! Because life is a gradual series of revelations That occur over a period of time Some things might happen that seem connected But there's not always a reason or rhyme People aren't characters, they're complicated And their choices don't always make sense That being said, it's really messed up That you banged your ex-boyfriend's Dad Oh, oh Never bang your ex-boyfriend's Dad.
- Hi, Jarl.
- - You do not look great.
- - I slept with my ex-boyfriend's dad.
- - (gasps) - - That's not in any of the movies.
- - (sighs) I did it, Jarl.
- - I have officially ruined everything.
- I've burned my last bridge with every person I've met since I moved to West Covina.
- (ringtone playing, phone vibrating) - God, I wonder whose butt is calling me now.
(ringtone stops) Hi, Mom.
Yup, I hear you.
No, you're absolutely right.
I give up.
I'll come home.