Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s04e07 Episode Script

I Will Help You

1 - Dude.
- Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend I get it.
You love me.
But the way you show your love is so messed up.
We're not right for each other.
And we never will be.
I don't know why I can't have that closeness with anyone else.
Well, you could try being nicer to people.
NATHANIEL: You think I don't know that I'm a jerk? I don't want to be like that.
My mother told me who to be.
NAOMI: Nothing is going to ruin your future.
I sacrificed my dreams for you.
You want that promotion, don't you? REBECCA: And I went along with it all because I told myself they weren't my choices.
This guy can meet you at a bar in 20 minutes.
- Go for it.
- What are those? Oh, carpal tunnel.
REBECCA: In another context, you'd be great, but you're not a healthy choice.
Are you finally moving out of Hector's mom's house? No, she's awesome.
You got to move out of her house.
Enough.
Se acabó.
Basta.
I don't want to be a lawyer anymore.
I'm thinking of calling it Rebetzel's.
I would love to try and help you and any of the other women in here.
So, what do you guys think? Meet Rebecca She's the coolest girl in the world, wait Wrong Rebecca It's this one over here She's spunky, she's sweet, a generous friend Oh, but there she looks kind of mean - Hmm.
- Okay, she's snarky Sarcastic and a What? You know, we're not really seeing a common theme Meet Rebecca She's too hard to summarize So let's go back to Other Rebecca.
(barking) (lock buzzes in distance) So, I complete the work skills program by Friday, then I get my certificate, and then I can go ahead and file for sentence relief.
- Exactly.
- Okay, perfect.
And Nicky, I talked to your public defender, and you will be hearing about your parole in the next couple days or so.
Good.
Talked to my work.
They said they'd take me back.
Just kind of want to get back to my life, really.
Don't worry, you're getting out of here.
It's just a formality.
Um, oh, I won't be here next week, but my friend Paula's subbing in for me.
And she's not a lawyer yet but she will be, and she loves the law.
Hmm, should be a nice change of pace, then.
Yeah, sounds like a step up.
- Yep.
- So, where're you going? Oh, it's-it's boring.
My mom's being honored by this Jewish charity back east, and I haven't seen her since oh, I tried to kill myself, got a diagnosis, pushed a guy off the roof and went to jail, so she doesn't know the truth, and it's time to tell her all that.
Wait, so you're gonna tell her everything? Yeah.
I figure if I'm honest with her, maybe we'll finally have a better relationship.
Hmm.
Rebecca, I have a question.
So, last week you said you were going on the dating apps.
Did you meet someone, and did they think the whole jail thing was hot or weird? I'm asking for a friend.
- The friend is me.
- Okay.
You don't tell people on dating apps that you've been in jail.
Come on.
Well, old Rebecca might not have mentioned it, but, like I said, new Rebecca is honest.
Totally honest.
"Recovering from recent suicide attempt.
Have been known to stalk my exes.
" - Wow, that is an honest profile.
- Yep.
Look, lying is bad for me.
It's a slippery slope.
I tell one little lie, next thing you know, jail.
Okay.
I think it's okay to lie sometimes.
You know, on my profile I don't mention that I get gassy from gluten or that my back handspring needs work.
Hey, you know, maybe I can find you some people You've swiped for me, I'll swipe for you.
I've been out there a while, so I'm kind of an expert.
- (scoffs) Sure, knock yourself out.
- Right.
Well, here are some obvious nos.
Weird facial hair, iguana on shoulder, - thumb ring.
- So many thumb rings.
Oh, here's a good one.
Kind face, good smile.
Swiping yes.
(phone dings) Oh, a match.
Check it out.
Really? Oh, my God, that's Jason.
I've been on a date with this guy.
He had, um right, these greasy, smelly balls.
Uh, what? No, uh, stress balls for carpal tunnel, but he was fondling them all night.
You know, this guy, he never got a fair shake from me.
Mostly 'cause I was obsessed with you and stalking you and trying to ruin your life.
I'm just being honest.
- Mm-hmm.
- Huh.
I still have this guy's number.
Maybe I'll text him back.
Well, cool.
If he makes plans in advance, that means he likes you.
Oh, yeah.
Usually it's same-night hookups, and if someone is not into you, they cancel last minute.
Trust me, I know these things.
(chuckles) (sighs) It's brutal out there.
Thanks again so much for letting me stay here while you're out of town, Becks.
I'm not sure where to go now that I've moved out of Hector's mom's place.
Oh, yeah.
Congrats on that, by the way.
I was too embarrassed to go home, so I'm sleeping at the YMCA.
Don't listen to the song.
It's not fun to stay there.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
(sighs) Well, happy to have you here, and I'm sure you'll find your own place soon.
Yeah.
You know, it just occurred to me.
Have you ever lived on your own? Oh, yeah.
In New York.
I mean, I shared the apartment with my landlord's mom, but we had our own rooms.
Wait, didn't you and Hector's mom have your own rooms? Cool.
Okay, so, some things you need to know about the house.
Uh, Wi-Fi password is "525,600minutes.
" Trash goes out on Thursday.
- I left some frozen Rebetzels for you in the freezer.
- All right! Oh, and feed Estrella once a day.
The fish flakes are right there.
(clicks tongue) Right by the tank.
That's it.
Okay.
You know what, no matter what happens with my mother on this trip, I am so excited to see some fall foliage.
I really miss East Coast seasons.
We have seasons in L.
A.
T-shirt, sweatshirt, puffer and tank top.
- (chuckles) Okay.
All right.
- (chuckles) Have a good time.
Don't wreck the place.
(scoffs) Wreck the place? Me? No.
I'm the clean one.
Hector's mom was dirty.
Okay.
Bye.
- Bye.
- (door closes) So, what should we do first, Estrella? Can I call you Estrella? Cool.
I'm Josh.
Whee! Want a pretzel? Get you a pretzel.
BOTH: One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
Ready? No, ready, begin.
Hello there, Tim and Jim.
Want a doughnut? (clears throat) I told the man to put the most fattening ones in there.
They're free, and they're for you.
Ooh, don't do it.
It's a trick.
Oh, is this like the time I tried to make the elevator and you pressed the close button, yelling, "Take the stairs, lose a few"? Let me be honest.
I've been going through a lot lately.
Hideous breakup.
I spilled some ashes on myself and learned how to cry, so now I'm just I'm trying to be a nicer kinder, gentler guy.
Okay? So cruller? Take a bite! Come on.
(chuckles) - Mmm.
- Mmm.
Enjoy.
I'm telling you, he's up to something.
(sighs) PAULA: Maybe we should just take Nathaniel at his word.
Maybe he legitimately wants to be nice.
- Ugh.
- Oh.
Yep, something weird is definitely going on.
(whispering): Damn it.
Okay, I need to sneak out, and I do not want to deal with whatever psycho thing is going on with him right now.
Will you and Tim cover for me? (breathes deeply) Okay.
So, my eldest, he wants to play the tuba in orchestra, and I'm like, "Get an instrument that's gonna get you laid.
" I-I played the snare, and I lost my virginity to my high school band teacher.
(chuckles) No, no, no, no, no, not like that.
I was 26 at the time.
So, uh Is that, uh, too late? Too-too early? - (elevator bell dings) - (chuckles) It was right on time for me.
(squeals) - (shrieks) Hi! - Guys, I'm here.
Hi! You're here.
- (chuckles) Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey, welcome, hey.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah, come in, come in, come in.
Look.
Look at this place.
It's so tiny.
How much are you paying for this again? Eight grand a month.
You know, in New York, that's a steal.
And we have a guest bed.
No.
Oh, my God.
(laughs) Totally.
It's the coolest thing.
Wow.
So cozy.
I love it.
Oh, yay! (chuckles) Guys, thank you so, so much - for letting me stay with you, really.
- Yeah.
- Last time I stayed with my mom, she drugged me.
- Whoa.
- Oh, it's a long story.
I'll tell you sometime.
- (phone chimes) Oh, hey, sexy stranger.
Sorry, it's this guy Jason.
Uh, we matched online, and I guess we're gonna go on a date when I get back.
- Oh, great! - BETH: Yeah.
Huge relief.
You got to get laid.
Valencia says that all the time.
Oh, so you guys, uh, talk about my sex life? That is so sweet.
I love you both so much.
(groans) All right, I guess I should go see Naomi and tell her the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the Yeah.
Hey, V, are you busy today? Why? You need some moral support? (knock on door) I've been waiting for hours.
I'm only, like, ten minutes late.
Late is late.
Cool.
Great to see you, too, Mom, after, like, a year.
I brought my friend Valencia.
You might remember her.
You've got a nice figure.
What do you eat, and when do you eat it? Please write this down for me, 'cause I'm always looking for tips.
Now, this event, let's review the details.
Hey, before we do that, um, there are some things I think we should talk about.
Did I mention that Elayne Boosler is introducing me? Oh, uh, wow.
Who? Elayne Boosler.
It's Um One of the great Jewish female comediennes of all time.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
You got your Totie Fields, your Joan Rivers, your Fran Drescher, and then you got your Elayne Boosler who just so happens to be a close and personal friend of mine.
We're friends from Jewish summer camp.
We went to Camp Kavetcha.
You've heard of Camp Kavetcha, of course.
- Oh, yeah, yep.
Yep, yep, yep.
- Why would she have heard Rebecca, this event is massive.
Everyone who is anyone in the Northern Westchester Modern Reform Jewish community (choked up): is coming.
Including Elayne Boosler.
Right.
And that's very cool.
So hey, Mom, before we start talking about the event, um, there are some new things I would love to tell you about my life, and I would just love to get 'em out there.
Okay.
(clears throat) Is that why your friend is here? Moral support? And you want to talk about what? Your suicide attempt? Your mental health crisis? How you pushed some Harvard kid off the roof and then tried to plead guilty for some fakakta reason and went to jail?! What? You think I don't have a Google alert for "Rebecca Bunch"? You think that I am not reading the comments section of the Daily Covina? So you know about all this, then? None of this was a surprise.
I knew you weren't in great shape when we saw each other last, and I was worried.
But when I read you made an attempt using my pills, that is exactly what happened in college.
You just wanted attention.
And as for the Rooftop Killer, doing something drastic for the man you love is vintage Beckelah.
Oh, did she ever tell you that in college she lit her married boyfriend's house on fire? Not to mention the meshuggener Josh Chan shenanigans.
Or should I say "Chananigans.
" (chuckling): That's pretty good.
- (laughing) - (forced chuckle) Anyway that's all in the past.
It doesn't matter.
What matters is, despite all the schmegegge chazzerai, you still made partner.
You got your name, finally, on that door.
So somehow all that meshigas made your career even better.
Right? Rebecca nothing's really changed.
You haven't really changed.
You're still the same big-shot lawyer, right? Right? Right.
Okay, Estrella.
First, I'm hungry.
Spaghetti! Love spaghetti.
Hmm.
Yeah.
There it is.
Find the stuff.
(humming a tune) Break this up here.
Yeah! Now, put that there.
All right, in it goes.
Ah.
All right.
(beeping) Ah.
All right.
And we're off! Yeah! Yeah! Ye Oh, man.
Oh, come on.
(exhales) (sighs): Oh! Ugh.
It's wet.
(grunts) (straining) (groans) (grunts, groans) Stay.
Yeah.
Ow! Ow.
What are you ? (sighs) (panting) (machine whirring) (lock buzzes in distance) Okay, let's get up to speed.
I know a bit about your cases.
Rebecca talks about you a lot.
She kind of talks about you, too.
- Aw.
- Yeah.
I am so mad at Tanya.
Orange-vested bitch.
Let me know if you want me to do anything about that when I get out.
I had an ex-fiancé who cheated on me, and, well (quietly): I put cream cheese all over his car door handle.
Whoa.
Strong.
No, thank you.
Yeah.
Okay, this is for Nicky.
I thought we could have a party to celebrate her parole! Where is she? Well, they just took her to talk to the warden, so Seriously, just say the word, and Tanya's mailbox is filled with That's right cream cheese.
- (lock buzzes) - Okay.
HANIFA: Nicky.
Whoa, what happened to you? - Who's this? - Rebecca's friend.
Remember? The one who's not a lawyer? I need a lawyer right now.
(scoffs) When they were processing my parole, they found a warrant for unpaid parking tickets, because I failed to appear in court.
Of course I failed to appear in court; I was in here.
And now they gave me $5,000 worth of fines that I can't pay.
What am I gonna do? PAULA: No, no, no, this is ridiculous.
I have been on hold with the public defender's office for 30 minutes already! No, d (seething breath) (low growl) How was everyone's weekend? I went to a pumpkin patch with my mom.
She was a little surprised by the invite, but I have a cute photo.
Ask to see the photo.
- Uh, can we - Uh - can we see the photo? - May I please see - your photograph? - That'd be great.
What the hell's going on? (quietly): We don't know what's wrong with him.
Just play it cool.
Aw, no.
Screw this.
Uh, uh Here, check it out.
Mm.
So whimsical, right? (shudders): Yeah.
That's very whimsical.
Paula! Pumpkin photo! Paula, get in here right now, or else! Don't fire her! Please! I'm not firing anyone.
What is wrong with you guys? You said "or else"! Yeah, or else she's gonna miss out on all the fun.
Come on.
Why doesn't anyone believe that I'm nice now? I am.
Okay? I'm nice.
I just sent you all massage gift cards.
Check your phones.
Look at 'em.
Look at your phones! What is Paula doing, anyway? (groaning) (exhales) Morning.
Hi-eee.
(sighs) Oh I have a date with Jason when I get back.
Mmm.
I have an actual date.
Look at me.
I am.
Oh.
Okay.
(groans) All right.
I got to go Mm.
see Naomi.
Oh.
Mm.
I'm so glad that I'm staying here and not with her, you know? It's just it's just so much, uh, easier and more convenient.
Sorry.
You telling her the truth today? Yes.
Because honesty is important to me.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, also, could I borrow a dress? She will hate everything I brought.
NAOMI: Wow! You look great! You borrowed that dress - from that skinny friend of yours? - No.
Wait.
I'm honest now.
Yes.
Whoa, boy.
Well, if it isn't the Bunch girls.
Hello, Marilyn.
(sighs) - Audra.
- Rebecca, my dear, how are you? You haven't seen Audra in a while, have you? Well, here she is.
She's having triplets.
All boys.
She and David had to move into an even bigger Tribeca apartment.
Mother, I can speak for myself.
I'm having triplets.
All boys.
David and I had to move into an even bigger Tribeca apartment.
How are you, Rebecca? Oh, she's doing great.
She's a senior partner at her law firm.
Audra, you're still a junior partner, I believe.
Well Now, on to the planning committee meeting.
Ladies.
Well, the menu looks good.
Uh, so, do we know if Elayne Boosler has any dietary restrictions? Yeah, she never got back to us.
She e-mailed me.
She's allergic to dairy, of course.
(whispers): Jewish.
(chuckles) Oh.
(chuckles) Right? And, Naomi, have you found something to wear yet? I could lend you something.
Or there's a wonderful new consignment store in Rye.
Oh, Marilyn, don't you worry.
I found something gorgeous.
Size two.
You know, I think it's so wonderful that you can bring Rebecca.
Since neither of you have husbands.
- Well, Rebecca's had your husband.
- REBECCA: Okay, ladies, do we have to be - so catty all the time? - Who's being catty? I'm very happy for these two about their husbands.
Audra's husband has a small penis, and Marilyn's husband has droopy testicles.
(Naomi laughing) I'm not saying how I know this, but, uh I may also know that he likes having them tickled.
What? (sighs) Tim! Jim! Baseball is fun.
I like lemonade.
Do you? Guys, where's Paula? She's AWOL again.
I don't know.
She's not at the county jail doing pro Bono work for inmates while she's on the clock.
I-I said she's not.
This is why I don't tell you my secrets.
(knocking) - Oh.
Hey, Josh.
- Hey, Darryl.
I was just walking by with Hebby, and I thought maybe Rebecca might want to see her, (chuckles): since, well since she's never acknowledged or spent time with her genetic offspring.
Well, she's out of town.
Jiminy Christmas! What's happened here? Oh, Josh.
Oh, this is sopping wet! Yeah, yeah, it is.
Apparently, comforters take, like, a million dryer cycles.
Mm-hmm.
(scoffs) Darryl, I was so excited to be on my own, but I don't know how to do anything.
I'm just dumb-dumb-dummy Josh.
Josh, calm down.
It's okay.
This happened to me when I got divorced.
I'd never lived on my own without a woman either.
You can do it.
Really? Will you help me? - Of course! - Oh, my God, really? (chuckles) Yay! (chuckles) Right now? Sure! All right.
Okay.
Here we go.
Now, just follow my advice, and it'll be a breeze! Okay! All right! Now we're ready! Yeah! Okay, here we go! If you see something That's not where it belongs Just pick it up And put it where it belongs.
Okay? And just keep doing that until the whole room is clean.
What? Wait, I-I thought we were gonna do a whole thing, where you teach me how to clean up.
Josh, what am I, your maid? Just use your common sense.
See ya.
Darryl.
(door closes) (fish tank bubbling) (sighs) So, the public defender is a wee bit slow to respond.
You think? By the time that dude gets back to us, my sentence will be over.
Paula, what are we gonna do? Well, what we have to do is (lock buzzes) (quietly): Oh, crap.
Nathaniel, look, I'm sorry.
I should have told you I was here.
And, yes, I was skipping out on company time, but it was for a very good reason You must be Nicky.
Hello.
I'm Nathaniel Plimpton III.
I'd like to represent you.
You want to be my lawyer? Mm-hmm.
With that hair and that name and that suit? It would be my pleasure.
But first things first, who wants to see an adorable photo of me at a pumpkin patch? (chuckles) Oh.
Okay.
(door closes) God, Mom, those women, they're so mean.
Of course they're mean.
Do you think the world of nonprofit Jewish women's charities is a warm, cozy place? (laughs) Anyway, this week, it doesn't bother me, because I am being honored.
For one day, I'll be on top.
- (phone vibrates) - Ooh.
Got an e-mail.
You get notifications for e-mails? That's how e-mails work, Rebecca.
Oh, no.
These letters are so small.
(sighs) I can't read this.
What does it say? Right.
Wow, these letters are huge.
- Oh, just read it.
(sighs) - Okay.
So, it's from Elayne Boosler's assistant.
Uh-huh.
It says, "Elayne does not remember you.
Please stop inundating us with e-mails.
" Mom.
Oh, you said she was coming.
You told everyone.
- We hadn't exactly connected yet, - (quietly): Oh, God.
But I was sure that she would show up.
I mean, she's a Camp Kavetcha girl.
It's in the camp song.
We stick together.
(exhales) Yeah, well, clearly not this time.
Oh, my God.
(sighs) Okay, Mom, I have an idea.
I'll introduce you, hmm? Yeah.
I'll say the things.
I'll write a whole speech.
You're no Elayne Boosler.
No.
But I'm your daughter, and I'm proud of you.
You giving the speech.
Well you are a partner in your own law firm.
(inhales) Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, boy.
All right, now that you brought it up, uh, Mom, I was really hoping to tell you something when you were up here, but now you're more here.
But maybe that's good, because you and I can live in the reality of my life and your life.
Okay? Um, Mom I'm not a lawyer anymore.
You got disbarred? No.
No.
I quit.
It was always something you wanted for me.
It was never what I wanted for myself.
Ever.
And now I run a small, unprofitable pretzel stand.
And I'm happy.
(exhales): Okay.
So, let's just sit with that for a minute.
but it feels really good to tell you.
Because now I can be myself, and I don't have to put up a facade all night.
What do you mean? Well, now I don't have to lie to all your awful friends.
Wait, wait, wait.
You want to tell people the truth? At my event? (laughs) Absolutely no way.
Forget it.
You hear me? Forget it.
You're an ungrateful daughter, and you're throwing your life away.
(distorted): Do you hear me? You are throwing your life away.
So you want I should be known as the mother of a loser Loser, loser Meet my daughter, former lawyer Now a failure, please excuse her Excuse her, excuse her And you want that I should see the look upon the rabbi's face Rabbi's face, rabbi's face When she learns that Miss Ivy League Attorney's a disgrace Disgrace, disgrace Forget it, forget it, you can just forget it, forget it You can just forget it Forget it, forget it You can just forget it, forget it You can just forget it In your search for happiness, you never thought of me Forget it You haven't caused me so much pain since my episiotomy Forget it So you want that I should throw away My sterling reputation, forget it While you blab about your new bohemian vocation Vocation, vocation Forget it, forget it, you can just forget it, forget it You can just forget it Forget it, forget it, you can just forget it, forget it You can just forget it You want to throw your life away? Go ahead, sure Oy, what am I gonna tell Emilio At the frame store? Moms always worry about what semi-strangers gonna say And they're right, we think about it all day We judging you, we don't have our own lives You're more important than our own kids and our own wives God, I made Rebecca's graduation collage But I guess her success was just a mirage Damn, Naomi, thought you was a good mom I'm gonna mess up all your frames from now on Moms don't suffer tsuris and pain To have their daughters bring them shame Moms don't suffer tsuris and pain To have their daughters bring them shame Forget it Forget it Forget about it Everything's fine Forget it! But, Mom Forget it.
(sighs) NATHANIEL: Statute 88B limits the use of warrants in cases where the accused is unable to appear due to incarceration or illness.
We'd like to request that the county waive the additional penalties and cancel the warrant.
She will pay the original fine.
Yeah, I can't pay the fines.
- (whispers): It's okay.
I got it.
- All right, Ms.
Warner.
Your attorney makes a valid point.
It costs the state more to keep you incarcerated.
So pay the fine and you're free to go.
Yes.
(exhales) Yes.
Oh, my God.
What is this feeling I'm having? Did I just do a good thing? I think I did.
(chuckles): Wow! That feels great.
I feel all warm and Is this fuzzy? - Is this what fuzzy is? - Oh, please.
What you just did is white savior crap.
You can't just sweep in here and use your checkbook I'm actually fine with it.
Yeah, me, too.
I just felt like I should say it.
Nicky, you're free! Oh, I feel like I took a bath in honey.
(chuckles) I'm almost turned on.
- Yeah, they take cash and check.
- Right.
- So run downstairs and pay.
- Yes.
- Grab my notes.
- Yeah.
Run, run.
- Rebecca.
- What? Stick to the script, okay? Yeah, lie my face off.
I got it.
Always so dramatic.
Shalom! (phone ringing) Hey.
Is everything okay? Hey, Becks! Uh, was just wondering if you needed me to do anything before you came home.
Turns out I'm good at domestic stuff.
It's not that hard.
You just use Common's sense, and he's my favorite rapper.
(chuckles) I'm sorry.
This trip is a mess, and I just I got to find a way to get through it somehow.
I came here to tell the truth to one Jewish mother, and now I'm lying to a room full of them.
Oh.
Becks, I'm sorry.
No, I-it's fine.
Uh, I got to go.
See you soon.
Bye.
Okay.
Bye.
Josh, I'm so impressed.
It really does look nice in here.
Oh.
It was a lot of work.
Yeah.
Well, it turns out that's what being an adult is.
Lots of work.
She sounds so sad.
I really want to do something nice for her.
I mean, she let me stay here.
Well, you could get her some flowers or candy.
Well, I saw something on Quimblepop I think she'd really like.
Okay, she loves autumn, and they have these murals at the paint store.
It's really easy.
All I have to do is pre-trim the image, measure and etch guidelines onto the wall, apply the paste, double-cut the seams, put up the panels, trim the overage, remove the excess paste, and voilà! Josh, you just learned how to use tinfoil.
No, you're wrong, okay? I'm a new man.
I can do stuff.
Ask Estrella.
Oh.
On my way to the paint store, I'll stop by the pet store.
(sighs) Mm.
So sad about Elayne Boosler.
AUDRA: Oh.
You know, I personally never thought she was coming.
Well I have better than Boosler.
I have my daughter.
Big-shot lawyer.
- Oh.
- Sure.
Mm.
(chuckles) (applause) Uh, hello, everyone.
Welcome.
Shalom, shalom, shalom.
I am, uh, thrilled to be here at this event honoring my mother.
I would like to start out by telling you a little bit about myself and what a great influence my mother has had on my life and my, uh career.
(whispers): Is that ? Uh, ladies, I-I, uh I will be right back.
Please excuse me for one moment.
What? Elayne Boosler.
How did you ? I called, said if she didn't show up, you were gonna have to go out there and lie - and undo a lot of the work you've done on yourself.
- That's bull.
She promised me another gig her company is doing, a Radio City benefit for some Internet weenie.
The pay is great.
Wait, do you actually know my mother? Of course.
Naomi-Know-It-All.
Then why didn't you respond to her e-mails or phone calls? Have you met your mother? She's a pain in the kishkes.
Who wants to do a favor for that? That's a good point.
I owe you one.
Oh, sorry about that, ladies.
You know, I could stand here and talk to you all night, but wouldn't you rather hear from Elayne Boosler? She's here? Elayne is here! What? Hello, everybody.
Happy to be here.
Nothing I'd rather do than talk about my dear, sweet, close, personal friend Naomi.
Come on up, Naomi.
- (applause) - Oh! You know, when Naomi reached out and asked me to talk tonight, my answer was an automatic yes, because Camp Kavetcha girls are always there for each other.
Elayne, I'm so thrilled to see you.
- Thank you for coming.
- Of course.
- Are we gonna sing the song? - You bet your pupik we're gonna sing that damned song.
- Yes! You ready? - Mm-hmm.
If you ever need a favor in 50 years - Just call a Camp Kavetcha girl - (Rebecca chuckles) If you're crying off your makeup with all your tears Just call a Camp Kavetcha girl - No matter what the issue - She always has a tissue She keeps them in her Prada bag No matter if you wanna scream Or you need some wrinkle cream ELAYNE: She also keeps it in her Prada bag If you ever need a favor in 50 years Just call a Camp Kavetcha girl If you're ever paralyzed by your deepest fears Just call a Camp Kavetcha girl If you're honored for your mitzvahs Call a Camp Kavetcha sister If she's famous and she's distant Get in touch with her assistant - NAOMI: If you still can't find her - (chuckles) Have your daughter's goyish friend remind her That when you're in a pinch, we'll getcha 'Cause we're always there, you betcha I'm so glad I metcha Here at swanky Camp Kavetcha If you need me, I'll come running 'Cause our parents spent the money To make us all Camp Kavetcha girls - My dad's a banker - My dad's a dentist.
Wow, that song was dead-on to this situation.
And so, after the camp song, then you told everyone the truth? Nope.
Nuh-uh.
Mm-mm.
No one.
I thought about it, but then it hit me.
I don't need to tell everyone everything all the time.
I mean, really, using my mug shot as my dating profile pic? What's-what's that about? I mean, I don't need outside approval from others, and I certainly don't need outside judgment from people I frankly don't care about.
I know who I am now.
Finally.
- It's so freeing.
- (knock on door) I'll get it.
Mom? We showed everyone, huh? Huh? Oh, hello, Valencia.
And girlfriend.
Wow, are you cute.
Like your hair.
We're friends now.
Okay.
I Mom, what are you doing here? We need to talk about your career at the firm.
- What? I don't work at a firm.
- But you will.
I scheduled a conference call with them.
It's called Mountain something now.
Anyway, I reached a senior partner, Bert Buttenweiser.
Nice man.
Told me all about his seven dead sisters.
Wait, wait, Mom, what did you do? He said that he will take you back if that's what you wanted, that they could use you, and then I asked if you could be partner again, of course, - and he said absolu - Enough! Wow.
That's enough.
So, I took a look at Hanifa's case, and I have some thoughts on that, as well.
Okay.
Hold on.
Why are you doing this? This nice kick, is this just another scheme to get Rebecca back? (scoffs) Is that what you think? That's what the whole office thinks.
Hundo "P.
" Maybe it started that way.
When she and I split up for good, she said some tough things about me, and they were true.
She was right.
So I decided to try and be nicer, but, um, pumpkin photos don't cut it.
And now I know that there's stuff I can do.
And I like it.
Okay.
Okay.
I buy all that.
Also, it turns out there is a shocking amount of unfairness in the legal system.
Did you know that? No, I didn't.
No one did.
Thank God you figured it out.
Yeah.
Mom, it's over.
Excuse me? It's over.
The old Rebecca let you manipulate her, but not anymore.
I don't want your opinion anymore.
I don't want your opinion on my career, on my hair, on my clothes, on my love life.
Nothing.
They are my choices, and as of right now, they are off-limits to you.
Okay? So, look, we can chat, we can still gossip, we can kibitz, we can go out for a schmear, but that's it.
I wish we could hide in the other room, but there isn't one.
I am so proud of her.
I can't look 'cause I'm Waspy, but so proud.
Now, you respect me and my boundaries, or we will have no relationship at all.
Do I make myself clear? Crystal.
(breathes deeply) Hello.
I'm back from Jew Hell.
Which is nothing, 'cause Jews don't technically believe in Hell Oh, wow! Oh, look at that.
Josh.
Autumn.
Oh, my God, did you do that yourself? Uh, I-I want to say yes, but I know you're big on honesty, so the truth is someone else put it up after I glued my feet to the floor by accident.
Also, I killed Estrella, and I got a new one.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, don't worry about that.
That's, like, the fourth Estrella.
And hey, hey, Heather doesn't know, and she never will.
(chuckles softly) Yeah.
God.
Well, I-I should go.
Um, I have to get to the YMCA early - to get a room so - Hey, Josh.
Don't go to the Y.
Just stay here.
- Move in.
- Uh, really? (scoffs) Us? Roommates? I mean, do you think that's a good idea? I think most people in the world won't think that's a good idea.
Like no one.
True.
But you know what? I no longer care what other people think.
Screw 'em.
Okay, then.
I'd love to.
Then it's settled.
Okay.
Oh, I have a date to get ready for.
Let's see where the place is.
Oh, no.
Oh, man, Jason canceled.
I mean, okay, he says he's sick, but he canceled on super short notice, - so that means - Aw, sorry.
Yeah.
That's such a bummer.
I was really looking forward to having plans tonight.
But you do have plans.
What are you doing? (laughs) Mmm.
Oh, no.
It's too hot! (chuckles) Oh, this is so nice.
Thank you.
Sometimes I forget how nice you can be.
Yeah.
Sometimes I'm not too terrible.
(both laugh) Hmm.
PAULA: Rebecca? Rebecca? Did you hear what I said? I did not.
I'm sorry.
Paula, the weirdest thing happened last night.
So, Josh and I were in our kitchen Oh.
What? Josh is living with me, by the way, but that's not the weird thing.
- lt's not? - No.
So, I looked at him, and these images - just started flashing and - (elevator bell dings) Before my eyes, and it was Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to tell me later.
Nathaniel and I have a hearing in Hanifa's case.
What? Yeah, uh (whispering): Okay.
He didn't want me to tell you, but Nathaniel has come on to help out with some of your cases.
And I got to say, I've spent a lot of time with him the last couple of days, and he's like a different guy.
Yeah.
He's, like, a good person.
Just doing the right thing.
Really? Hey.
You okay? Oh, no, Paula.
I think we're in trouble.