Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s04e08 Episode Script

I'm Not the Person I Used to Be

1 Meet Rebecca She's the coolest girl in the world, wait Wrong Rebecca It's this one over here She's spunky, she's sweet, a generous friend Oh, but there she looks kind of mean - Hmm.
- Okay, she's snarky Sarcastic and a What? You know, we're not really seeing a common theme Meet Rebecca She's too hard to summarize So let's go back to Other Rebecca.
I miss the season one theme song.
- (yawns) - Hey.
- Good morning.
- (gasps) Is that matzah brei? For me? Thanks, roomie.
- I hope I got it right.
- Well Wait, this is actually perfect.
- Yes.
- Usually, matzah brei is either too crunchy or hella soggy.
But you nailed the perfect lumpy, gooey texture.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Ooh, wow.
What are you doing? I've been training.
Prepping and repping.
My ten-year high school reunion is coming up, and I'm stoked.
I may not have mentioned, but I was prom king.
Yeah, no, I think it's, uh, come up once or twice.
Wait, ten years? Didn't you graduate 12 years ago? (sighs) Yeah, okay.
What happened was the class president is supposed to plan it, and our class president is Hector.
Oh, say no more.
No, follow-through is not Hector's area.
Anyway, Hector is president, but I'm king.
(chuckles) I'm good at it, too.
(grunts) During my rule as prom king, I ruled.
I believe that.
Ugh, Josh, this is so good.
Mmm.
Uh-oh.
Dairy's tough on me, but you know what? This is worth it.
Oh, I got you covered.
Um, the Poo-Pourri and the Arts & Leisure section of The New York Times are waiting for you in the bathroom for later.
That is so sweet.
Thank you, and hey, I'm sorry I stunk up the toity yesterday.
Oh, no problem.
(chuckles) Made my eyes tear up, but, uh, I needed a good cry.
(both laugh) Oh, man, you're the best.
(chuckles) (romantic trill) - Stop it.
- (trilling stops) AJ, have you ever felt smitten by a man doing workouts, making you Jewish breakfast eggs and being okay with your poop? Yes, of course.
NATHANIEL: Hey, Leonard.
So how'd she do? Kylee had a big game - this weekend, right? - LEONARD: Scored three goals and they're in the county finals.
NATHANIEL: Oh, well, I'm not missing that.
- I'll bring the orange slices.
- All right.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Are you bringing orange slices to that guy's daughter's soccer game? The guy who I only heretofore knew as "that guy"? Nancy always brings the wedges room temp.
Everyone knows you got to slice them and ice them.
Plus, Leonard works super hard back there.
Wow.
You're being so, uh I think the word is "thoughtful.
" Dare I say generous.
(laughs softly) It's good to see you, Rebecca.
(romantic trill) - (trilling stops) - Ooh-ooh! - You like Nathaniel.
- No, I don't.
(laughs) Shut up.
God.
Nathaniel is over.
Josh is over.
I'm on my own now.
Mm.
PAULA: So, in Nix v.
Hedden, the Supreme Court ruled tomatoes are a vegetable.
(laughs) Can you believe it, Kamala Hare-iss? God, you're the perfect replacement for Brendan.
A great listener, and you didn't ruin my vagina.
(clicks tongue) (indistinct chatter) (music playing over speakers) (both squeal) Ah! You're here.
How long are you here for? For the rest of the series of holidays, I mean.
Thanksgiving, Christmas.
These decorations are great.
Oh, hey, is that the guest list? - Uh-huh.
- Ooh.
Sushi bar.
Huh.
Is this the guest list? And I-I love these streamers.
So that's the guest list, then? Babe, do you want to look at the guest list? - I'll check it out.
- Uh-huh.
What's wrong? What's that face? What face? There's no face.
There's def a face.
Huh.
Great job, Mr.
Class President.
This is everything I hoped my ten-year reunion would be 12 years later.
Thanks.
And now that this reunion is happening, I finally delivered on all the campaign promises I made.
Flip-Flop Fridays, T-shirt Tuesdays.
Never did get us those two-hour lunches.
- I was 17.
- Yeah.
I had no idea that the school board would bury me - in bureaucracy.
- Okay, okay.
Okay, you're drinking like you're on a Civil War operating table.
Seriously, what's up? (sighs) Nothing.
Oh, please.
Okay, based on your face when you were looking at the guest list, my guesses are we're dealing with a frenemy, a nemesis or an ex.
So it's an ex.
Wait, no.
But you dated Josh all through high school.
So (gasps) you cheated.
(gasps) Oh, you really cared about this person.
Oh, my God, you were in love.
(gasps) (whispers): And nobody knows.
Whoa.
This is so juicy.
Wait, wait, was it a girl? (gasps) Oh, it was the first girl.
Wait, is she here yet? Have you seen her? Oh, okay.
So she's not here yet, but she's on the list.
Okay, I am on it, I am gonna figure this all out.
You are the worst.
And this is the best.
JOSH: Hey! What up, guys? Hey, Brandon, Kyle, Jessica, Caitlin, Marisa, Carlos, Zack, oh, Parker, Roberto, Archer, Tran, oh, Danny, Lindsey, Kristin, Nestor, Amy, Kelsey, oh, Jax, Marcus.
You all look amazing.
You're all killing it.
Handstand! (whooping, applause) Yes! Handstand on the entry.
Sweet.
We'll be at the full floor routine within the hour.
(laughs) Hey, guys.
Don't know if you saw my handstand - Yeah - but the king is here.
(imitates trumpet) Ah.
Um, should I make my welcome speech now or wait for more people to show up? Or should I do it twice? You're not making the speech.
I'm making the speech.
I'm class president.
And Father Brah is vice president, so in the unlikely event that I'm unable to perform my duties, - he's giving the speech.
- That's a good point.
JOSH: Mm, don't you think people want to hear from me more than you? The whole class votes for prom king because everyone goes to prom, but barely anyone votes for president because the elections were during lunch, which was only 40 minutes long.
- Oh - If you make lunch longer, you're giving cafeteria workers a raise.
- That's not in the budget.
- (shushing) You're gonna have to let that go.
Okay, bud? Ha ha! She's here.
God, stop.
Why-why do you care? Because you have some reunion intrigue happening, and I am here for it.
I'm an old married lady.
The romantic intrigue part of my life is over forever.
You've been married for five minutes.
I know, and I'm so happy, but there's no drama, and I love drama.
REBECCA: Everyone, hi.
I made these pretzels for your reunion.
School colors, worked really hard on them.
- Oh, hey, guys.
- (tray clatters) Listen, I need to talk to somebody, and Paula's MIA for some reason Not that you guys are my second choice.
- Welcome back to town, by the way.
- VALENCIA: Great.
Yeah, enough about me.
Let's talk about you.
Ugh! Disaster.
I'm having feelings for both Nathaniel and Josh.
(gasps) What happened? Sex? Kissing? Jean jamming? No, nothing like that, I'm just, I'm having those romantic trills in my head and then I shake them off like this.
Anyway, am I I can't believe I'm saying this Am I meant to be with Nathaniel or Josh or both or neither? - Neither.
- Neither.
- Right, of course.
Because the idea of "meant to be" is a lie perpetuated by Western culture.
No.
You're meant to be with Greg.
Wait, you think that? I totally think that.
Everyone thinks that.
Duh.
Sorry, did you did you say Greg? Greg from two years ago? Who we all haven't seen and literally never talk about? That Greg? You guys, that's insane.
Lest you forget, I slept with his dad.
Guys, I'm not in touch with Greg.
Our relationship was terrible and toxic, we didn't get along, we fought all the time.
I don't even think he thought I was pretty.
I mean, he was mean to me most of the time and hated himself for caring about me, and also, Greg has a serious girlfriend now, and I know that because again, I slept with his dad.
- Right.
- But you're still on the Greg train.
Okay, look, the only way the only way The only way Greg would ever be my "meant to be" is if we were in some sort of sci-fi weird parallel alternate universe where he was just a completely different person.
- GREG: There you guys are.
- WHITE JOSH: Buddy.
- Hey, buddy.
- (Heather and Valencia gasp) HEATHER: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Greg is here? (indistinct chatter) Wait, where is Greg? I don't see him.
What? He's right there.
(laughter) That's not Greg, that's a completely different person.
Wh Right? Right? Serrano.
You made it.
I can't believe you're here.
Yeah, you flew all the way back from Atlanta for this? What happened, did you get kicked out of business school? GREG: No, I'm-I'm here on winter break.
I'm actually back for the whole rest of the series of holidays.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and the finale.
Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day.
I guess that is the logical end of our series of holidays.
REBECCA: Guys, that's not Greg.
Except for the part where it's Greg.
He doesn't seem totally different to you guys? No, but he's your ex-boyfriend.
You haven't seen him in a long time.
Of course he seems different to you.
What? GREG: Whoa, Rebecca's here? - At our high school reunion? - Yeah, she brought over pretzels from her store.
REBECCA: Oh, God, he saw me.
I guess I should go over there.
Whoo, boy, this is gonna be awkward.
Whoo, boy, this is gonna be awkward.
Hi Hi BOTH: Hello there.
WHITE JOSH: Hector, maybe we should go check out the sushi bar because it is so over there.
(clears throat) So, uh, how-how are you? How've you been? (laughing): God, I don't even know how to answer that.
Right.
It's a long story.
Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but Good sentence opener, always leads to something great.
That's funny.
You are Greg.
You're funny.
Um But you seem really different.
Like, really different, like - Well - Just, like, really, um Like, really, like, different? Yeah! Yeah, man, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know, a lot of time has passed since we've last seen each other.
I also have a long story.
Okay.
Okay.
That must be it.
Yeah.
You know, we should catch up sometime.
Okay, uh, well, I-I'm here through the holidays.
So through Valentine's Day? - Yes, through Valentine's Day.
- Okay.
Well, good, let's catch up and I can figure out why you're (laughs) so different, and you're good to catch up with me in, like, a casual no drama, no yelling at each other type way? Yeah, we can just figure each other out again.
(laughing): Oh, great.
Yeah.
Great, yeah.
Okay Greg.
Great.
I-I don't want to keep you.
This is your reunion, so reunite.
Yeah, okay.
Wow.
Okay, so that's Greg.
I see it now.
He says he's down to catch up with me in a casual, no drama type way, which means I don't think he knows about Marco, which means I got to tell him, right? And he's gonna hate me, but it's the right thing to do.
- That is gonna be tough.
- Mm-hmm.
I know.
Well, at least I have time to choose my words carefully, figure out what I'm gonna say.
High school reunion.
Let's do this.
JOSH: Hey, guys! Time for the king's speech.
(chuckles) Not the movie, but, uh, maybe I'll win an Oscar.
(laughter) Yeah, I'm gonna go.
Hey, so, uh, turns out I hate reunions.
You just want to catch up now? - Now? - Uh-huh.
JOSH: Okay, p-p-p-panthers, let's p-p-p-party! Yeah, let's go now.
Now's good.
JOSH: King's Speech? No one's seen it? Okay.
No one, no one saw it? Oh, it's really good! Okay, there is this king, he stutters, but he's got to give this speech.
So there's this other older guy, he helps him out, he's also British by the way, the king is British So he's like, (British accent): "Uh, I can't, I can't speak.
" (stammers) (normal voice): And the older guy's like, (British accent): "No, you could do it.
" So he gives the speech, and it k-k-kills.
(laughter) (overlapping chatter) WHITE JOSH: Oh, I get it now.
The stutter thing works when you have the context of the entire plot of the movie.
Whoa.
Might want to slow down there, bud.
I need to drink.
I'm so annoyed.
Josh is so annoying.
I'm president.
I was supposed to make the speech.
Okay.
Is it this one? - How about this one? - Stop it.
This one? Right here? Hmm How about this one? (gasps) Is it her right here? She fine.
Josh, could you do me a favor and, uh, chill out with all the "king" crap? (chuckles) What? Everyone loves it.
Everyone's having a good time.
I mean, we've been waiting for this moment for 12 years, but I didn't want to say anything, it should've been ten.
You don't want to say anything? Huh, right? - You just said it! - Okay, okay.
Let's take it down, everybody.
Uh, Hector, you're really doing this? You coming for the king? Oh, boy, here we go.
Don't push me, Chan.
That's King Chan to you.
Whoa, oh.
Oh, my God, you're not the prom king! And there it is.
(laughs) What? Yeah, I am.
I-I won.
No, you're not.
The president counts the votes for prom king.
White Josh won, but he didn't want it 'cause he thought it was corny, so we gave it to the runner-up, you.
WiJo, is this true? Uh I knew you would really enjoy it.
And, uh, you do such a good j-j-j-job.
Yeah, so, uh, this is my, uh, salty castle.
Rebetzel's.
Clever.
You really twisted those two words together, huh? (laughing) That's funny.
Um, will you excuse me? I just I'll be back.
Just Yeah, sure.
Yup.
Paula, Greg's here.
- (phone chimes) - In conclusion, ma'am (gasps) Sorry, sorry, Your Honor.
I believe the facts stand for themselves.
GREG: So you have to work at night? Wow, the pretzel game is intense.
Yeah.
We proof the dough, pre-braid the pretzels, and prepare the toppings for the next day.
And you're really not a lawyer anymore, that is not surprising.
You never did seem to like it and didn't ever do any work that I recall.
That's true, that's true.
So, um, this must be weird for you, being back in town after, - what, two years? - Actually, I got to confess, I've been back a few times.
You have? Yeah, uh, I just thought it would be best if you and I didn't see each other.
So you were back in town and no one told me? Well, I may have asked them not to.
I did.
Yeah, I did.
Look, I know that things ended pretty badly between us, but I didn't realize that you felt the need to hide from me.
Well, I wasn't hiding, per Se, although, now that I describe it, it bears many of the hallmarks of hiding.
Look, you and I had crappy stuff happen between us, a lot.
Yeah.
But when I saw you just now, I realized, we were close, you know, we used to like each other.
We were friends.
Yeah.
We were.
And I would love to have that again with you.
But I'm doing this thing where I'm taking responsibility for everything in my life, tying up loose ends, making things okay with people I used to have issues with.
And again, I-I really would love to be friends with you again so much, but there's something I got to tell you.
You know what? Let's not do that.
- (sighs) - Let's not tell each other difficult things.
So much time has gone by.
You said I seem totally different to you.
You do.
I'm still reeling from it, actually.
So let's move forward.
Fresh start.
Like, pretend we're meeting for the first time? Exactly.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- So clean slate? - Yeah, that's exactly what I want.
Okay.
Well, in that case Hello, nice to meet you You've been inside of me Hello Nice to meet you You broke my heart Oh.
BOTH: Pleased to make your acquaintance, stranger I've spent many years processing my anger Wouldn't know what to say to the person I knew But it's nice to meet you Oh.
Okay.
Oh, ma'am, your baguette.
It's funny, you remind me of this guy Whom I labeled as "toxic" Yeah.
In a certain light you look like this girl Who screwed my best friend - Oh, she sounds like a bitch.
- Yeah, she kind of was.
BOTH: We've met before But I really can't place it Oh, was it that time We ate pizza naked? Right.
That night was sick.
I ate sauce off your Yes, and that burned.
Ouch.
BOTH: It's nice to meet you Oh.
Oh.
Sure.
Excuse me, uh, can I just get a water, please? Sir? Sir? Hi, sir, could I get a Tequila Sunrise and a water.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- Cheers.
- Yeah, you, too.
- Hi, I'm - Hi.
- I - Oh.
This is me.
BOTH: I mean, is anyone we meet really that new to us? We're all the same species that grew in a uterus A kiss is a kiss But to be fair, it's not every day - Your doc asks, "How did sauce get in there?" - Ha.
Wee! Hello, nice to meet you You seem really cool Whoa! Hello, nice to meet you - I am indeed really cool - (laughs) BOTH: If you have a message for my doppelganger I'm happy to pass it along as a favor Tell her I have her scrunchie I still have his coat Tell her she kissed good Tell him I have notes - Ouch.
- Tell him it's sad That he had to hide Tell her arrabbiata is not for inside Tell him I'm sorry Tell her I am, too Now that that's settled It's nice to meet you It's nice to meet you In various meet cutes It's nice to meet you.
Okay, I'll tell you what happened.
(gasps) Because I brilliantly wore you down? (sighs) No, because I'm drunk and sad and I want you to stop pointing at women.
That's fair.
Okay, hit me.
I'm ready.
Hey, Bart, do we have popcorn or just these pretzels? Perf.
Okay, go.
Senior year, I started hating Josh because, you know, Josh.
Then, I was in chemistry class and got this super hot lab partner.
- (sighs) - Before you know it, we were full on sneaking around and making out, hooking up all over the school.
Oh, my God, you guys had chemistry.
Sorry, sorry, go on.
- Eventually, Lab Partner says, "I love you.
" - (gasps) "You need to choose.
Josh or me.
" Is anything hotter than an ultimatum? No.
So, what'd you do? On the last day of school I wrote a letter saying, "I choose you.
" - (gasps) - "Meet me under the bleachers so we can figure out the rest of our lives.
" Oh, my God, that's so intense.
I just got that tattooed on my ankle.
Bart, bring me a sherry.
(whoops) Yes, Bart.
Mmm.
Ew, that is gross.
That is so gross.
Never ordering that again.
So then what happened? I went to the lockers, tucked the letter in the pocket of their varsity jacket, and waited under the bleachers.
- (gasps) And? And? And? - And nothing.
They never showed up, we never spoke.
High school ended, we went our separate ways.
- (gasps) - To this day, we try to avoid each other.
Never more than a hello.
And this was the person I loved.
Oh, my God.
Wh-What do you think happened? Why didn't she show up? I don't know.
I've never known.
Well, what are you waiting for? I mean, you have to talk to her right this second.
Give that to me, I need it right now.
No.
What's the point? What's the point of anything anymore? (sighs) Oh, hey, um, you're that guy from Rebecca's office, right? Yep, it's George.
Also, we went to high school together.
We did? And are these your relatives? Are these my relatives? What kind of gene pool we ? No.
This is the school magic club.
The magic club? We didn't have a magic club.
But we did.
Meet the Abro-cadabras.
(clears throat) And one Abro-cadabwoman.
I mean, I love magic.
I-I did little tricks here and there in high school for my friends, but they gave me so much crap for it.
I had no idea there was a club.
Can I hang with you guys? Uh, I object.
We've all seen your handstands; you're popular.
Let us have our thing.
W-W-Wait.
Hang on a second, guys.
I know him; he's not a bad dude.
Can we please break the abracadabrules just this one time? - (sighs) Okay.
- Sure.
Okay.
You're in.
So, this is Alden, The Great Aldini.
This is Lily, Assistant to No One, and this is Magic Mike.
I had the name before the movie.
And I am, of course Raven.
Can I have a magic name? Why don't we see how this goes first, okay? Okay.
(sighs) Everything okay? Perfect.
Hey, so, I know we said no recrimination, but there's one thing from our past that I've been really angry about.
There has been? What? Yeah.
You once said that your favorite president was Rutherford B.
Hayes.
That has to be explained.
Right.
Oh.
What? So you like Lincoln or Washington, one of the obviosos? No.
Best president was James K.
Polk.
The only president who said he needed four years to complete his goals, did that, and then didn't run for reelection.
Huh.
Okay.
What were his goals? - No idea.
- (laughs) - Hopefully not racist.
- (Laughs) I don't think racist.
Look, the point is that the man had a goal and a super cool name.
Polk.
Is it "Poke" or "Polk"? It's well, it's kind of like "yolk.
" Figured, as a pretzel shop owner, you'd know that.
(laughs) Wow, we are really killing this friend thing.
Totally.
But, sadly, I actually have to run.
- Oh.
- I got to go see my dad.
Oh, your dad.
Yeah, my dad.
Marco.
Wait.
Do you know him? I can't remember.
Nah, I-I well, I can't recall.
No, you would definitely remember.
The guy is a total character.
Uh, he-he was also a really bad father, honestly, but, uh, no, he's getting his act together.
You think I've changed, the guy's a whole new ball game.
He's sober now, just going to meetings.
Just like me.
- Whoa.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Apparently we have more in common than I thought.
(laughs) That's more in common than you thought, that's funny.
- It is? - Ah, it's not.
No, it's not.
Go on.
Yeah, so now he's in this phase of recovery where he wants to unburden himself from all the bad stuff he did.
(laughing): Oh - Is that also funny? - No, I'm sorry.
It's, um a thing I've learned in therapy, laugh through the emotions.
So I'm moved.
I'm moved by it.
Oh.
It's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ah.
" Well, anyway, he said we need to have some kind of brutal conversation tonight where he, I don't know, tells me he murdered some people and buried them in our old yard or something.
Oh, I'm sure it's not that.
How I wish it were that.
Yeah, well, whatever it is, it's gonna suck because neither of us will be drunk for it.
(laughs) That's funny.
Anyway, um, we should catch up more later.
Yeah.
After you see your dad.
Yeah.
All right.
Bye, Rebetzel.
Bye.
Bye.
No.
Ugh.
Butterfingers.
Can you help me? (sighs) - Huh? - Check it out.
Oh, wow.
Look at those pretzel-adjacent things that will be sold tomorrow for a large discount.
Yeah.
You know, my girlfriend, well, my ex, actually, she loves to buy discount pastries.
I've actually eaten my share of stale doughnuts myself.
Sorry, you said your girlfriend or your e your ex, you were saying ? Oh, yeah.
I was dating this girl in Atlanta.
She was great.
Very, very cool person, but eventually I just realized that, you know, I didn't feel the way I should.
Oh.
The way I, um, have in the past.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, that makes sense.
Hey, have you ever considered the pretzel stick? - So much easier.
- (laughs) I mean, check this out.
It's done.
That's pretty that's pretty great.
(indistinct chatter) Is this your card? This one? This one? This one? The red one.
- This one.
- That one.
That one right there.
Yeah, I did it.
Oh.
I'm a natural.
Why am I dwelling on this person? - I don't know, but it's so romantic.
- Mm.
Okay, everybody, I was gonna give a speech, but someone did that.
But I do have something else that's kind of fun for you guys.
Two-hour lunches? (laughter) There are unions and they have rules.
I can send you links.
What I have is kind of a fun thing.
Uh, when we graduated, the custodian gave me the lost and found from the senior room, and it's been, well, it's been sitting in my trunk since then.
GARY: You've had our stuff for 12 years? - (crowd reacting) - WHITE JOSH: All right.
Okay, okay.
Let's take it easy on Hector.
Huh? So what if he's had our stuff in his trunk for 12 years? It's kind of fun.
It's like a, it's like a time capsule.
Huh? It's filled with sentimental keepsakes.
What you got in there, Hector? Thank you, WiJo.
Uh, let's see.
Oh, a dusty old retainer.
Ooh.
Ah, thanks a lot, Hector.
Uh, a hemp necklace toe socks.
Uh, a Zune.
Huh? I'll just put this stuff in the trash.
I wish I had never voted for you.
I should have voted for Susie Reynolds.
Oh, it's okay.
It drove me to get off meth and become a state senator.
Okay, everyone, focus.
Ooh, here's a goody.
All right.
A varsity jacket.
Varsity jacket? "Joseph.
" Father Brah, is this you? Yeah.
That's my jacket.
I thought I lost that on the last day of school.
(chuckles) - What? - WOMAN: What? It was Father Brah? Joseph.
He never got the letter.
My love letter was in his jacket in Hector's trunk for 12 years?! Bart! (exhales) He never got the letter.
He never knew.
He never knew how I felt.
I drove him into the arms of Jesus.
Well, I don't think that's how that works.
Also, using your sexual fluidity as a red herring? Baller move.
Uh, my pronouns tracked.
That was you; check your assumptions.
That's amazing.
I thought I I thought I'd never see this again.
I've got to get the letter, Heather.
He can't read it.
It will destroy everything.
It's taken me 12 years, and I'm barely over it.
I can't go back to that place.
I'm in love with Beth, and I can't ruin the career of the only non-creepy priest I've ever met.
Come on, let's get that letter.
Oh, my God, this night includes a heist? - Yeah.
- We're gonna Ocean's Eight this thing.
Oh, no, wait, we're doing 2006 vibes tonight.
We are gonna Da Vinci Code this thing.
Bart! Espresso.
- Your staff is amazing.
- I know.
Right? - Cinnamon.
- Mm-hmm.
No way.
What? (laughs) Oh, man, I can't believe I didn't know about this club in high school.
I love you guys, and, like, I could have been the Great Chantini earlier.
Where you guys been? You guys were, like, hiding.
We weren't hiding; you just didn't notice us because you were too busy doing this.
And then a little bit of this.
(grunting softly) And then a whole lot of this.
God, I missed so much in high school.
Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
(rhythmic drumbeat playing) We weren't cool back in high school But we partied, too, and it's time you knew What you missed while you were popular What you missed while you were popular Yeah, we weren't cool back in high school But we partied, too, and it's time you knew What you missed while you were popular What you missed while you were popular Check the morning news team With their sassy muttonchops They reported on a local embezzlement scandal - Till the principal made them stop - Hard-core Yeah, they weren't cool back in high school But they partied, too And it's time you knew What you missed while you were popular What you missed while you were popular Not all kids are athletes Some kids join band instead While you played all those gendered sports They all got very co-ed Sports are overrated They leave you red in the face While you were sliding into first The band kids rounded third base Bass! We weren't cool back in high school But we partied, too, and it's time you knew What you missed while you were popular What you missed while you were popular Right over here are the arty goths A real tight-knit pack While you were wearing tank tops We were wearing black While you were wearing cargo shorts We were wearing black While you were wearing flip-flops We were wearing black flip-flops The biggest thing you missed While you were having a good time Is experiencing shame, misery, and depression For the very first time Now, you might find it hard That adulthood gets so real While the nerdy kids from high school are like - I got this, no big deal - (music stops) Actually, my parents got divorced when I was 14, and it really destroyed me.
I just acted super confident to cover the unbearable flood of emotions I wasn't prepared to handle.
I'm sorry I made fun of your ska band.
Thank you so much, Zack.
Yeah.
No one's saying you weren't fly But did poetry night make you cry? We learned to cry while you were popular Grew emotionally while you were popular You were cool while we were not But our massage circles were super hot We massaged while you were popular And got massaged while you were popular.
Oh, that is nice.
And that's what you missed out on.
Huh.
Well, that's it.
Yep, nothing more to do here.
- Well, I should go.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Wait.
- Yeah? - (Muzak playing) You hear that? What? Do you hear that terrible, wonderful corporate music playing? Uh-huh.
Mm, so good.
(laughs) You know, I owe you a dance.
When we went to that wedding together, I acted like a horse's ass and wouldn't even dance with you.
Yeah.
No, that's true.
That's very true.
How about you give me a second chance? - To this? - Mm, to this.
(chuckling) GREG: It really is such terrible music.
(Rebecca laughs) (indistinct chatter) - I got the decoy.
- Okay, I just talked to the DJ.
He's gonna put "Like a Prayer" on the karaoke machine.
That's Father Brah's song.
I've seen him do it at parties.
He thinks it's funny for a priest to do it.
- He'll get right up.
- And while he's doing that, - I'll replace his jacket with this.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, we got to get a move on, because if we - Oh, shoot, we spent too much time planning.
- (gasps) Look.
Oh, dang.
(soft instrumental music playing) (whispering): Take me somewhere.
I'm not not gonna spy on that.
I, um I got your letter, finally.
- Hey, it took you long enough.
- (both chuckle) Uh, I read it, and-and it was like no time had gone by.
Like, I, um like I was right back in high school.
- VALENCIA: Really? - Yeah.
Like I was standing at my locker watching the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen kissing Josh.
Oh, but it was you.
I loved you.
BRAH: Yeah, I I know that now.
So where does this leave us A priest and a party planner? Well, um, I'm in a bit of a serious relationship right now.
As are you.
A-And you seem happy.
Very happy.
Good.
We missed our shot, V.
Yeah, I guess we did.
And that's okay because now we know that we felt the same way about each other, and we can finally have that moment back.
And what a moment it was.
(sighs) (whispering): That was everything I wanted.
(soft instrumental music playing) I had sex with your dad.
- What? - It was one time.
And you had just butt-dialed me.
Um, that has nothing to do with anything, and I was in a really low place, like, the lowest place I've ever been in my life, but that's not an excuse.
I am not excusing what happened.
- Uh, I'm gonna stop dancing.
- Yeah.
I think I need to sit down, or-or-or maybe I should stand, actually, or-or Do you have, like, a cot or, like, a hammock? We were in the same bar, and he said something nice to me, and the next thing I know, I was in his room, and there was an oxygen tank and the macaws.
And there was this woman Gladys, and she was snoring - in the next room because of her sleep apnea.
- No! No! No details.
Please.
Please.
- Why details? - Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- (both panting) - Just You can yell at me or you can punch a wall.
You can punch any wall in here.
Oh, God, you're not saying anything.
I I can't believe it.
I can't believe that happened.
Why did you do that? And I can't believe that you told me.
It needed to be me.
It was just the right thing to do.
Yeah.
Um That must have been hard.
It was kind of brave, actually.
And again, Greg, I-I I'm just really sorry.
You know what? You think I've changed.
Maybe we both have.
All right, Kamala, time for bed.
Oh, my God.
That's a lot of alerts.
And they're all from Rebecca.
Oh, God, you're having Josh and Nathaniel feels? Oh, Kamala.
And Greg's back? What? Tell him about Marco? No! No, no, no, no.
What do you mean, Greg seems different? Uh oh.
Oh, okay, you're not telling Marco.
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Start fresh.
Good idea.
Oh, wow.
And if Marco's gonna tell him, yeah, yeah, you got to tell him.
That's right.
You have no choice.
And, yeah, he has that girlfriend, so meant-to-be is not on the table! Nebber what? You're not telling Jim about your change of pans? Oh, my, you're dancing, and about to kibs kiss? Uh, oh, my God, what happened? Rebecca, what happened?! Kamala, this is insane.
(clears throat) Rebecca, comma, text me back right away, period.
If you don't, comma, I will have to get all the deets about your pans from Jim.
Period.
Wait.
Period.