Cuckoo (2012) s04e01 Episode Script

Lawyer of the Year

1 ALARM PLAYS MUSIC SHE SIGHS I've got a good feeling about today.
- Hiya.
- Hi, guys.
Hey, man! Oh, sorry.
Ooh, something's got a hold of me now It's a feeling Burnin' up like I'm on fire Hold me tight, babe Don't leave me by myself tonight Cos I don't think I can make it through the night I think I'm in love And my life's lookin' up I think I'm in love Cos I can't get enough No, no, no I think I'm in love It's got to be love.
HE YAWNS LOUDLY - Morning, Chief Ken! - KEN MUMBLES It's a beautiful day, isn't it? I'm sure.
Give me a minute.
No, no, no! It can't be! It can't be! Ah! - Woo-hoo! - What's going on? It's me! I've been nominated for Lawyer of the Year! Woo-hoo-hoo! Je suis the King! Yes! I think I'm in love Cos I can't get enough No, no, no I think I'm in love Tea for the King.
Why, thank you.
You little beauty! Just imagine, Chief Ken, Best Lawyer in the Country! Well, it's Lichfield.
- Lichfield Lawyer of the Year.
- Oh, got it.
So it's not half as big of a deal as I thought.
Well Still, Chief Ken, I'm excited for you to collect your prize, meagre though it may be.
Every year, we just get drunk and bored at that fancy black tie do.
- This will give it all meaning.
- Right.
Oi! It's our charity that runs that ceremony.
Me and Nina work very hard to get you drunk, Mum.
Or at least I do.
Nina networks.
Network Nina! OK, Mum.
Move your arse! Dylan, your father has been nominated for an award! Oh! Congratulations! Loser of the Year? It's great you're finally getting recognised.
Right.
You work in phone sales.
Your monthly wage couldn't buy a Mars Bar, and you're getting a lift to work with your mother.
Money's tight, but he's not scrimping on hair gel, is he? Well, I can't help being a baller, Rach.
God gave me balls, and I ball with them.
Do you think your balls might give me some rent some time? Do you think you might suck my balls? Dylan! You should have let me hit him when he was smaller.
I bloody should have done! - Mwah.
- Bye, love.
Chief Ken, could I accompany you to work? I just I have a small matter to discuss.
All right, OK, hop to it, then.
- You can take that.
- OK.
This award should really change things.
Jane has been totally undermining me since I got back from paternity leave.
It'll be nice to remind people about who is senior partner and who is NOT senior partner! You are senior partner, Chief Ken.
You know I am, right? Dale, are you all right? You don't seem to be your usual sickeningly cheerful self.
Me? Yeah, everything's fine.
I'm absolutely doodle dandy! - Right.
- OK.
Wait, Dale! Dale! What the hell is going on? And who's he? I'm sorry, Chief Ken, I have so many tummy butterflies, the words aren't coming out.
Right, well, get on with it.
- This is my workplace! - OK, OK.
Chief Ken, I have inhabited your home for several years now.
And I've recently been joined in romantic union with your daughter, as my father was before me.
Yeah, probably best to keep schtum about that one.
So I was wondering, Chief Ken Thompson, would you do me the honour of permitting me, Dale Ashbrick, to propose to your daughter? Is this why you're kneeling? I wanted to do it the traditional way.
Mate, you and Rachel are great together.
It's just should your focus be wedding rings when you haven't got a job and you're sharing my bathroom? Wow! Tough truths, Chief Ken.
I clearly did not think this one through.
That is super unlike me.
There's plenty of time to get married.
All right? You're so right, Chief Ken.
I'm going to get the best job that has ever existed, bar none.
Then propose to your daughter and live happily ever after in Lichfield, England.
OK.
I paid for the whole day follow me.
On the what?! Oh, Ken, there you are! Hi, guys.
I've just seen the new Meet the Team board out in the lobby.
Two things, one, why does my photo look like I'm drunk? And two, my motto makes zero sense.
It's the motto you wanted.
It says, "On the Whole!" - Why would I want that as my motto? - Let's see.
I asked for three words that sum up your approach.
Yes, your e-mail read, "On the whole, "I'd say the most important part of the job, yadda yadda.
" Obviously, I had to do an edit.
Oh, obviously! Also, you sent your photo in the wrong format, but Noel had a snap from the Christmas party.
Got your back, bro! Well, that is a shame because all of that's going to have to come down.
Is this some ego thing? No.
It's about putting our shiniest product in the shop window.
And that is me.
Because Well, I have been nominated for Lawyer of the Year.
Boo-ya! Wow, Ken! That's actually impressive.
Yes, it is, isn't it? Looks like old Ken is still quite the asset.
Oh, Ken, you know how valued you are.
Oh, look, snap! I've been nominated too.
What? Lawyer of the Year.
We're both up for it.
That IS great news! I love that news! All other news should be cancelled because that is that's the best news.
Oh! Three cheers for us.
Hip hip! Hip hip! ALL: Hooray! So your first job was as a cult member.
Mm-hm.
Then you spent six months working for The Triads, right.
They're an international criminal organisation specialising in drug smuggling and extortion.
These days, I'm a child minder.
Skills, black belt kung fu, torture technique, large repertoire of nursery rhymes.
It also says here, unspecified skill.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
It's this.
I mean, do you know what that's called? Maybe just put shoe whirly thing.
So what do you reckon? I was thinking maybe a train driver or something in high finance.
I can put you in the system.
But my advice would be go away and work on yourself.
Really quite a lot.
".
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Behaviour as to avoid followership, "this occurs when firms develop" ".
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All about establishing the fact of disciplines and processes" ".
.
If a business already has a genuinely differentiated offering, "it is wise to follow" ".
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Behaviour as to avoid followership" ".
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Injustice clear in business.
Most" What's all this? Such a good day! I started looking for a new job.
Oh! Unfortunately, I'm not maximalised for the job market due to the fact I possess zero education.
- Problem there.
- No problem there, though.
Because today I found out there are people who are wildly successful with no training or meaningful education.
They call themselves Americans, and today I read all their books.
All of these? Yeah.
Dale, that's amazing! Yeah, I only managed two this morning, but then I read one on speed-reading, and then things really took off.
Rachel, I have learnt the secrets of business.
I learnt the rules of power.
I learnt the power of Yes, and the rules of the power of Yes.
And the most important thing I learnt is I can do this! You can do what? This! Right here! Maybe I'm already doing it! I don't know! Dale! You don't need to rush into anything.
I'm working.
We've got all that nannying money saved up.
- Yeah.
- LORNA: Mum's home! KNOCK ON DOOR I picked up some champers so we can celebrate your dad's award.
All right, Dale? Good day? My day was wonderful, Lorna.
Thank you for asking.
Right.
There's something a bit different about you.
No magic to it, Lorn! Just eye contact and meticulously brushed teeth.
Rachel, that awards ceremony, you HAVE to get me into it.
It's invite-only.
Why do you want to go? Are you kidding me? The top business minds in all Lichfield will be there! It's the ideal spot for me to sell my skills.
Hiya, Ken! Chief Ken! I've self-actualised as a winner and business visionary! DOOR SLAMS SHU Ken? Jane's been nominated for the award too.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Once again, the universe takes a big shit on my face.
So what? And who says you won't still win? As if! Jane's a shoo-in.
She brings all the big business to the firm.
If I hadn't taken paternity leave, she wouldn't have even have been nominated, you mark my words.
Ken, you're a hero to me and to women everywhere.
Oh, yeah, they don't stop cheering! Oh, God, what's my life come to? Loads! I mean you have three wonderful children.
I have two children that I like.
And a best buddy that loves you.
Oh, God! Steve! The cavalry has arrived.
Ken's being a right old cranky pants.
Leave it to me, Lorna.
Black dog on your back, eh, Ken? Can't blame you.
I mean, look at you, worthless schmoo.
Dick Dunderhead who worked his life away for the Man and didn't even get a clock in return.
Is this supposed to be a pep talk? I'm knocking you down, Ken, to build you back up again because here's how we rebuild your mojo.
Little venture I'm starting.
Three words, directed weaponised cocktailology.
You're opening a bar? It's more than a bar, you fool! It's a high-class cocktail lounge for yuppies and babes.
And the name? Oh, this is going to be bad! All Steve's Pals.
Wow! Worse than I expected.
So I combine my passion for strong drink and my medical know-how.
Et voila! Bespoke cocktails laced with Steve Chance's own brand of legal high! I'll play the boogie-woogie piano.
I'll have to learn.
Fuck! I just need a few thousand.
Interested? No! Not interested.
Lichfield's sexy elite do not want to buy their liquor from an insane puffin.
Your loss, not mine.
Fuck you, Ken! So, what do you think, Nina? Um, sorry, you're asking if I can fix the Lawyer of the Year award - so that Ken wins? - Not fix.
- God, no, not fix! - OK.
Only you asked if I could make sure that Ken wins.
Sounds like fixing.
It's just a silly award.
The judges argued over it for days.
There was a secret ballot.
So no-one knows who won, do they? I mean, it might as well be Ken as anyone else, and you're always saying what a friend he is to you.
Yes, you're right.
We're best friends.
Nina, Ken's having a nightmare time at work at the moment.
Nightmare! This might be just the fillip he needs.
Ken needs a boost? Oh, why not? I'm loving this little female conspiracy.
Fear not, Lorna, Ken will not go home empty-handed.
- Ha! - Ooh! Handsome! Thank you, love.
I like to look nice before I'm ritually humiliated.
Oh, come on, glum boots! Who knows? You might still win.
Right.
- Where's Dale? - He ran out earlier.
Are you going to be all right with Sid? Yeah, piece of piss.
I'm letting him play on Faceswipe.
Kid's got good instincts.
PHONE BEEPS Oh! Uber's here.
Forward to public disgrace! - Bye, loves! - See ya.
No! Sid, don't swipe right for her! Ah, fair enough, she'll probably do stuff.
High five.
Yeah! Good man! Welcome, Messieurs, sit yourselves down.
Steve? What, you're an Uber driver now? I always drove a taxi at night, Ken, even when I was a doctor.
Sparkling water in the seat well.
Travel stove and eggs if you want to fix yourselves an omelette.
I think we're eating at the do, Steve.
Traditional Japanese Gyoku music.
So, Lorna, got a tasty business proposition for you.
Lichfield's premier cocktail bar, All Steve's Pals.
On one side of the bar, a sauna.
And on the other side, an ice-cream parlour.
Cold like my thinking, hot like my loins.
Yeah, this concept's changed quite a lot.
Ideas evolve, Ken.
So what do you say, Lorna? I'm talking drinks that will take your head off and girls which will blow your mind.
Sorry, Steve.
I'm out.
No star Uber rating for you, my friends.
HE TURNS MUSIC UP HE SINGS QUIETLY Mm! Mm! Rachel, top-up time! Do you know what? All this talking really looks like fun, but it's very hard work.
Single-handedly keeping the whole event ticking over, that's hard work too.
Oh, babes, one day, you will be the boss and you will really miss all this stress and admin.
OK, back to the coal face! Cos I am Network Nina! Golly! Nina could use some pointers on ground-level, integrational leadership.
Dale! You absolute nutter! What are you doing here? When you said there was no way into this party, I recalled a book I read called Don't Take No for An Answer.
You know what it's about? - Some kind of sci-fi saga? - No.
It's about not taking no for an answer.
So here I am! Look at this place, what a networking opportunity! Just as soon as I hit my stretch break and I'm allowed to move.
Newbie! No talking! So sorry, my bad! Bye, Rach.
HE CLEARS THROA HE TAPS GLASS A toast to our nominees.
Jane, you've been an inspiration these last few months.
Your leadership has helped us see that a better world is within reach of us all.
To Jane! ALL: To Jane! Thank you.
And also to Ken.
Oh, thank you, Noel.
Now Jane can enjoy the rest of the ceremony with a perfectly clean rectum.
Whoever wins, it will be a triumph for the firm.
TAPPING ON MIC Woo-hoo! Hello, everybody! Welcome! Well, what a night! I am having an absolute ball.
Let's hear it for the human statues.
Now, let's break it down.
Tonight is the night that Lichfield honours its heroes with awards like Best Chartered Surveyor, Foremost In-House Compliance Consultant and, of course, the biggie, Lawyer of the Year! Go, Jane! Go, Jane! But before all of that, let's take a short break.
Oi, newbie! It's your break.
You've got 15 minutes.
A top job in 15 minutes.
You've got this, Dale! Hi, everyone, my name's Dale.
Here's a business card.
Nice to meet you, sir.
He's suddenly so keen to get a job.
Where's he got that idea from? Nowhere.
Perfect! I mean, it probably just popped into his head.
Anyway, it's good for Dale.
Maybe something in high finance.
It's important to have a career.
Is it? I don't know if I'm just drunk, - but your attitude is refreshing.
- Thanks.
There is your salary.
Thank you, Ma'am.
YOU will not be disappointed.
This is the first step in a very exciting journ What happened? Did you paint yourself all over? Yeah, every last inch.
I wanted to be thorough.
His skin's asphyxiating! Dickhead's gone and done a Goldfinger! No, no, no, I'm OK.
I've got this.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Oh, no! His skin needs to breathe! I need to take his trousers off now! - Oh, God! - This might hurt, soldier.
DALE SCREAMS Relax, guys, the worst is over.
I'll drive him to the hospital.
Do you know what? We'll come with.
I don't need to be here.
Ken! The award! What about it? I've shown my face.
You've won, OK? - What? - You've won.
I might have had a word with Nina.
- I rigged it.
- You did what?! CHANTING: Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Oh, you sneaky, beautiful wonder! Can't believe you, Mum! Dale'll be fine! Go and face your public.
And don't say anything stupid.
CHANTING: Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! - Oh! - Thank you! Thank you! Well, my wife said not to say anything stupid, so I'll keep it brief.
LAUGHTER Folks, working at Herbert Redcliffe this past year has been a magical journey.
And beside me on that magical journey, my partners, ladies and gentlemen.
Some months ago, I went on paternity leave.
I happen to be a proud feminist.
Yes, why not? Thank you.
And while I was looking after my child and my wife was working, who should be politicking behind my back but Jane, the snake? Yes, Jane.
You have betrayed the sisterhood.
You shower of shithouses, it ends here! You can't do without me now because I I'm Lawyer of the Year.
That's right.
I, Ken Thompson, am the Lawyer of the Year! Read it for yourselves.
I am the Tallest MURMURING Nina, there's a little mistake there, I think, because I think that should just say Lawyer of the Year.
No, Tallest.
No, no, it's just Lawyer of the Year.
No, it's Tallest Lawyer of the Year.
It's an award I made up especially for you because we're such good friends and I know that you were feeling blue so What? Oh, come! Give me a hug, you big wombat! BOOING You're very welcome.
OK, so Oh, wasn't that fun? And, um, the next award is the Lichfield Lawyer of the Year.
So the winner of the Lawyer of the Year is my best friend, Jane Defreitas! It will blow over.
It'll be fine.
With these things, they always seem worse than they actually are, you know.
- Yeah! - Totally.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Welcome home! Welcome home! Wow! Someone's feeling better! The kid just needed his blood cleaning.
Nothing Uncle Steve couldn't do with a petrol siphon and a colander.
Yeah! Now, everyone has to have a drink.
The award-winner! Shut up.
Ooh, sad socks.
Did something go wrong? No, I'd just like to go to bed in my house without you here.
Well, no can do.
Even if you don't take any pleasure in your award, we still have something to toast.
Oh, yes! We still have Dale's new job to celebrate! Oh, yeah! Right, actually, um, update, I'm not taking that job any more.
What? How come? Well, let's just say a better offer came along.
Oh! Oh, no! Why do I feel scared? Yep! You are looking at the 49% owner of All Dale & Steve's Pals! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, fuck! We had a few cocktails when I was cleaning his blood.
This is Steve's.
I pitched Dale the idea, and he loved it.
Yes.
Dale, what about your actual job? Oh, that job means nothing.
I mean, 50K? What good is a K to me? This way, I get paid in good old British pounds! OK.
We should probably talk about this.
Oh, well, we're going to be talking about it a lot, my love! After all, it is where I invested my entire savings.
Steve's already got the lease.
Dale! We were supposed to be saving for a deposit, getting out of here! Yes, you were! Actually, I had the same concern at first, but then I talked to Steve and he said, actually, it's a sure and certain bet.
So peace of mind.
Peace of mind.
A drink to our success! Rachel? Yeah, I think I need one! - Lorna, Ken.
- Yep.
To All Dale & Steve's Pals! It's a bit wordy.
Right.
- To All - Steve's Pals? - Steve's Pals! - Yeah! Oh, God! Ooh! I think it needs another chilli.
It's burning all the way down! - Let the journey begin! - Yeah.