Cuckoo (2012) s04e02 Episode Script

The License

1 Unprofessional behaviour, damage to the reputation of the firm, using the public forum of the Lawyer of the Year Awards to call your colleagues "a shower of shithouses".
Innocent office banter.
And he stole my yoghurt from the office fridge.
I didn't touch your fucking yoghurt.
I move that we suspend Ken Thompson from the firm for a period of one month.
All in favour of suspension? - Three.
- All against? SNORING Er So, do I make that four! Oh, well, thanks, everyone.
I must say What's going on? What are you doing to my arm, Ken? Shit it! All right.
I'll go.
See you all in a month.
Oh, and, Adrian, I did steal your yoghurt.
A stole it, and I ate it, and I loved it.
HE SLAMS DOOR - Your morning coffee, Rachel.
- Oh.
Oh! Argh! HE SCREAMS I'm good.
- In a mug's fine.
- But I need the practice.
You have to know how to mix a cocktail when you're co-owner of a cocktail bar.
- Yeah, can we talk about the bar? - Yes.
And I know exactly what you're going to say.
And, I agree.
Opening this bar with Steve was a great idea.
Not what I was going to say.
- Oh - Dale, it's a terrible idea.
It's the worst idea anyone in this house has ever had, and I'm including Dylan.
Oh, excuse me, what terrible ideas have I ever had? Uh, hello, hand job at a funeral? Fair enough.
I know what will put your mind at rest.
- Calling Steve? - No.
- Getting your money back? - Mm-mm.
Going back in time and not investing your savings - into a Lichfield cocktail bar? - No.
I'm going to take you by the site, show you the magic.
Once you see All Steve's Pals, you'll get it.
Lorna, any reason why our son is dressed as a girl? It's what he wanted to wear.
I know, but, come on, look at him.
Ken, you are such a dinosaur.
Children's clothes, their toys, they're all gender-neutral now.
I know, and that's broadly great, but, I mean, come on, Dylan, you're with me on this, right? Actually, Dad, society's moved on since the Dark Ages.
This thing called political correctness happened.
You might want to look it up, you big fat bender.
Right.
OK, I haven't got time for this.
If you would.
Do not forget, the interview for the nursery's at one.
Do I have to come? Yes, Ken.
This nursery is the dog's doodah of nurseries.
There's a waiting list to get on the waiting list.
They bake bread every day, Ken.
They learn French, don't they, sweetheart? French, Ken! Good, because I've been worried sick about Sid's conversational vocab.
If Jane doesn't let you out for this It's fine.
I can get out.
It'll be fine.
Everything at work is fine.
Stop with all the questions, Lorna, will you? I'm late enough as it is! I think you look lovely, sweetheart.
Fuck.
Eh Bye.
Go in.
There's nothing interesting to see.
- You're going to love it.
- Uh-huh.
Yep.
You really have to pass a lot of heroin addicts to get here.
I know, right? It's crazy.
People in this neighbourhood seem to really love heroin.
I don't know why.
So, what do you think? - What am I looking at? - That.
All Steve's Pals.
Don't worry, it's a lot nicer inside.
Ta-da! Go on, get out.
Go on, shoo, shoo.
There's no heroin in here.
Go on, out.
Honestly - Howdy, business partner.
- Hey.
Howdy, girlfriend slash stepmum of business partner.
- OK.
- Glad you're here, Rachel.
I need a woman's insight.
If you were a cocktail waitress, would you rather be topless or wrestling? I think I'd rather be suing.
Right, before the licensing meeting, who fancies the latest cocktail from the production line? I've been trying out recipes.
Here's a sexy USP - the cocktails are all All Steve's Pals, and are named after high-profile glamorous figures from the Midlands.
- Great idea, right? - Sure, it's Yeah, but - Yeah.
- This one is the Dion Dublin.
OK.
Urgh, oh, the taste of being absolutely shitfaced in the morning.
- How strong is that? - 75% proof.
You don't get 183 career goals without having a kick.
Yeah! Now, this one is a potent mix of gin, vodka, absinthe, coffee and Ribena.
I call this the Julie Walters.
Tuck in.
Oh, no, I quite like my stomach lining, thanks.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't before the licensing meeting.
Don't want to screw that up.
Can you imagine? All of a sudden, no licence, no bar, all of our money back.
Actually, um, thinking about it, if you're going to run a bar, you need to know the drinks.
- Go on.
- Right, but I don't drink.
CHANTING: Dale! Dale! Dale! BOTH: Dale! Dale! Oh, come on! You know I can't resist a chant.
BOTH: Dale! Dale! Yeah! Oh Tastes like my tongue's been attacked.
That's Dame Julie for you.
More, more, more, more! More, more, more Yeah! Woo! We offer three meals a day.
Great.
Won't even have to bother whopping a sausage and mash on for him! All the food here is strictly vegan and ethically sourced.
Oh, Sid's a vegan.
We all are.
I make a mean vegan sausage and mash with vegan sausages and vegan potatoes.
I'm so sorry my husband's late.
I'll just get the forms.
Where the hell have you been? Why have you got popcorn all over your suit? It's a lawyer thing.
You wouldn't understand.
Um Can we maybe get all that crap off him? Leave him, he's happy in it.
Sorry I'm late.
Hope you're not going to put me on the naughty step.
We prefer to not use negative labels here.
We prefer to use positive reinforcement.
Oh, my bad.
Please don't use the B-word.
Bet she's fun at parties.
OK, so we'll move on to the next question.
Will there be alcohol sales at the aforementioned premises? HE LAUGHS Yes! Obviously! This thing is going to be huge, let me tell you.
Everybody's going to be like, "Hey, have you been to All Steve's Pals?" And they'll be like, "What's All Steve's Pals?" And they'll be like, "Oh, jeez, only the best damn cocktail bar in all Lichfield, duh!" - Dale.
- Yeah? You're coming across as drunk.
I'll field that question.
There will be alcohol.
Would you like a sneak preview? I've got a fresh bottle of Adrian Chiles.
No, thank you.
You freaking get it.
This, right here, this is what it's all about.
Man, you You get it, Frank.
OK, listen, can I be frank, Frank? "Frank, Frank"! That's hilarious.
See, this is why you get it.
Exactly.
Everybody else in this council, they don't get it, but, you you get it, yeah, yeah.
It says on the application that the premises will be an indoor beach bar.
Correcto, Franco.
All Steve's Pals will be the ultimate in Miami-style high-class beach bars.
Have you seen the video Club Tropicana? It's basically going to be that, but with topless dancers.
So there will be entertainment on-site? All Steve's Pals is all about entertainment.
Dancers, swing ball, duelling - it's the lot.
URINATES Dale! Psst Yeah, yeah, carry on.
Carry on.
I'm listening.
I just really needed to go.
OK, I think we're done here.
Thank you.
All right, sorry, I'm back.
So, when do we get the licence? Also, do you know what colour the licence is? And do you want to get a kebab? I'm so hungry.
The licence has not been granted.
Bad move, Mr Suit and Tie.
The council has made a powerful enemy today.
There must be something we can do, anything, please.
Like, we just we really need this licence.
Perhaps if it was worth my while.
There are ways to grease the wheel.
This could go easier if I got my slice of the pie.
Seriously.
Here's my card.
I'm just going to write a few random letters on the back.
B-R-I-B-E.
Frank! HE LAUGHS Sorry, I just remembered the whole "Frank, Frank" thing from earlier.
Great times.
Right, um, if you don't mind, I'm just, I'm going to have to go vomit, but it was really nice meeting you.
I'll be honest with you, I'd love to find Sid a place here Oh, that's great! We've never had a transgender child before.
Sorry? I know, strictly speaking, there aren't any places available, but between you and me, I've been holding back a space for a non-cis child for the last three years.
OK, I think there's been a bit of a mistake That's great, Frances.
It's great to find a place where Sid can be who Sid wants to be.
My daughter goes here, and I think she'd really get along with Sid.
They're such similar spirits.
Sid's having a birthday party tomorrow.
Just bring her along! I'd love to.
Number's on the back of the card.
OK, Lorna, can I have a word, please, in private? OK, we are not pretending that Sid is transgender.
- We don't know he isn't.
- We're pretty sure, actually.
It's a really good nursery, Ken.
But is it this good, Lorna? I'll see you tomorrow.
Can everyone just hold on a minute here? Ken! Shut this down and you will never ever have sexual intercourse again in your adult life.
Right.
See you tomorrow.
Bye.
Bye.
OK, Sidney.
Where are you? Oh! I wasn't sure what birthday cake really says gender fluid, so I just went for plain sponge.
It's got no icing.
Maybe I should text Frances, see what she says.
No.
She'll think we are amateurs.
Mental, mental amateurs.
Oh, I bumped into Noel from your office when I was there.
What? You know he lies, don't you? He can't be trusted.
It's pathological.
He told me he invented the smartphone.
He's a lunatic.
It was weird.
He asked me to say hi to you.
That is weird.
Ah, probably best not to dwell on it.
I told him to bring Alfie over, to the party tomorrow.
Why would you do that? Him and Sid get on.
They're toddlers, Lorna, of course they get on.
Sid gets on with the madwoman with the cats at number 14.
Should we invite her, too? Oh, look what I got for Sid.
The belle of the ball.
OK, this is going too far, Lorna.
Yeah, I know.
Maybe it doesn't matter about what nursery you go to.
I mean, Dylan didn't go to a good nursery and he turned out fine.
How was your day, love? Um, amazing! I never realised they still have to pay you when you're using the toilet.
It's like, every time I'm sat on that toilet, they're actually paying me to do it.
I mean, I need to go for one now, but there is no chance I am wasting a dump at home when someone will literally pay me to shit.
Ha! The daft twats! Yeah, as you were, Lorn.
Yeah.
DOOR CLOSES - Everything OK? - No, bad news, guys.
The alcohol licence fell through.
- No cocktail bar.
- Oh That's a shame.
And the council guy, he was saying some pretty weird things.
Something about making it worth his while and having a slice of pie.
- Like, what does that even mean? - I don't know.
It means he wants to bribe you, dickhead.
Just bung him some money, you'll get your licence.
You're saying if I bribe him, the bar is back on? - No! - Yes! What?! Yes! That is the best news ever! Oh, gosh, not in the stomach, Rach.
I've got a lot packed in there right now.
Eurgh! This is so exciting.
My final five grand.
Wait, this whole bribe thing, it's all above board, right? No, it's a bribe.
Right, yeah.
This is how things get done in the dirty world of entertainments licensing.
We are like the Kray twins.
We don't take shit from any Oh, come on.
You are literally taking shit from someone.
I'm very disappointed in you.
I'm sorry.
Have a lovely day.
Stop being nice to people.
You're taking the whole fun out of this bribing trip.
Prick! Bye.
I've managed to get Sid into the dress.
He says he wants to be Spider-Man.
Good work.
Lorn, is it wrong that we're doing this? It feels massively wrong.
Maybe Maybe, actually, by doing this, we're being great parents.
By helping him to overcome prejudice.
Yeah.
That's bollocks, though, isn't it? DOORBELL CHIMES - Noel, hi! - Lorna, - how's it going?! - Hello, Noel.
Lorna, could you check on Sid? I think he was playing with scissors in the bedroom.
- What? - Yeah.
How are you holding up, big guy? The office isn't the same without you.
- Come on, then.
- Yeah Yeah, can we have a moratorium on work talk? Today's really about the kids, isn't it? Yeah, it's awful what they've done.
I'm dead against the suspension, Ken, I want you to know that, and I want Lorna to know the same.
Right, OK, well, we don't need to tell her.
It'll only upset her, OK? I should have tried harder to stop this.
- Stop what? - Private conversation! That's actually quite rude, thank you, Lorna.
In you go, Noel.
Have a nice time.
DOORBELL CHIMES - Oh! Oh! You made it! - Hello.
Hello.
This is Jessie.
Hello.
Hello, Jessie.
Now, you go and play with Sid, OK? Aw, what a darling dress.
Yes, yes, it's his favourite.
I can't get it off him.
- Not that I'd want to.
- No.
- It's great.
Come in.
- Aw.
Oh, this is for Sid.
It matches his dress.
Oh! This is it, the licence officer's house.
Time to make him an offer he can't refuse.
Although, technically, of course, he can.
HE EXHALES I don't think he's in.
Steve? Just post the bribe and let's get out of here.
- OK.
- That's it, we're done.
We are bribers now.
Yeah! Wait, should we still have the money? What have you posted? Yep.
I posted the dog poo.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Dale We'd already had a boy and a girl, which is so binary.
Then Sid came along.
Yeah! - Mini-burger? - Mm-hm.
Wow.
And these are vegan? Lorna, they're sublime.
Yeah, vegan.
Vegan beef.
- You'll have to give me the recipe.
- Uh-huh.
So, Lorna, just to say, I know you're angry about it Game time, everyone! Musical statues.
Everyone! And the adults.
And you, Noel.
It's a party.
Come on.
And everybody's dancing! Wave your hands Are you dancing? Come on, hold my hand.
MUSIC STOPS So, yeah, as I was saying Er, no talking in the game, thank you, Noel.
In fact, you can leave the game.
You're out.
Away from Lorna.
Over there, please.
That's it.
Off we go.
Back in the fucking game, Lorna, please.
Still in.
Off we go dancing! Everyone.
That's it.
I can't reach it.
There's an open skylight on the roof.
There's only one thing for it.
I'll parkour up the side of the house, flip up onto the roof and ease my way in.
Let's do this! Huh! Oh! Good news is, I got the bag.
Bad news poop's still in the house.
There's a window open.
Give me a leg up.
I can get in here.
Are you sure? Dale, I'm effectively special ops.
They call me The Eel.
I can glide into any space.
Come on.
Give me a leg up.
Oh HE GRUNTS OK.
Flip me over.
Flip me over.
Flip.
That's it.
Now push.
Keep pushing.
Keep pushing.
COINS CLATTER Whoa, you carry a lot of change.
I like arcades.
Keep pushing.
Argh! HE CRASHES Are you OK? It's all right, the ground broke my fall.
DISHES CLATTER Just going to black out for a bit.
I'm in a lot of pain.
In a lot of pain.
Boo! You did a poo-poo? - Hi, Ken.
- Hi.
I couldn't help noticing that you only gave a prize to the winner of musical statues.
Yeah, because they won.
Hm.
Just worried that the others might associate themselves with failure.
Negative reinforcement.
Good point.
I'll get some medals made up for all of them.
Great.
Thanks, Ken.
Ken, is there somewhere I can change him? Oh, yeah, just use that room at the end of the corridor.
Cheers, thanks.
Rachel, where's your mum? Oh, she's in my room, changing Sid.
WESTERN MUSIC Are going to do it now? - Yeah.
- Why not stay here for a bit? Because my son needs changing.
What are you doing, Ken? Why don't I change him for you? What? Well, no, I'd really, really like to, and it is my house, so I'll change my own son, thanks.
No, no, I insist.
Come on, little fella.
Phwoar, Jesus, what's he been eating, the fish heads? Can you let go of his hand, please? What is this? Is it a nanny state? Can't a man change another man's son's nappy? - Hey - No, he can't.
- What's going on? - Ken's being weird.
I just offered to change his son.
Nothing weird.
You're being weird, Ken.
Look at you.
I know you're under a lot of pressure at work, but come on, if you need to change anyone, change your own son.
What sort of pressure at work? I think you should leave, actually, Noel.
You can't say that.
Thinking I should change my son just because he's wearing a dress.
- That's not what I meant! - It's not the Dark Ages.
I think you should go right now.
Without speaking to Lorna.
Personally, I think it is inspirational the way Ken and Lorna have decided to raise Sid.
Thank you.
I'm not having a go at the dress.
He can wear what he wants.
Daddy made me wear it for nursery.
Is that true? I can't believe you would fake a child's gender identity just to get into a good nursery.
We've done a lot worse.
Come on, Jessie.
Thank you for coming.
Um Don't forget your party bags.
CHILDREN CRY Two bunches, please.
And can the message say, "Sorry we tried to trick you into thinking our child "was transgender to gain a nursery place.
" Yeah, maybe just, "Sorry.
" Yeah, just, "Sorry.
" As soon as possible, please.
We can smooth this over.
Uh-huh.
HE GASPS How are we doing out there, Dale? One knock for fine, two knocks for someone's coming.
HE KNOCKS ONCE Three knocks for Connie called you and she wants me back.
Come on, three.
Ah I'll get some bog roll to wrap this up.
No, Dale, no more Mr Nice Guy, you're a briber now.
Oh, just as I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
Hi, ma'am, I'm Dale.
Do you need some help? Wow, you have a lot of shopping.
So many bags for just two people.
Oh, you've been such a good girl today.
PHONE BEEPS Oh, Mummy's got a message.
What's that, then? Hmm SHE GASPS Hi.
Steve Chance.
Don't worry about that, a dog did that.
Oh Delivery for you.
Take care.